I remember the first time I saw a shooting star. . .
you were there


it was beautiful

I remember what I wished for.

it was beautiful.

you were beautiful that night.

I just remembered that suddenly.


I wanna go swimming.

you just fit me


you just do

tomorrow seems so far away.

WE finally present scenes for the grad's

such a wonderful group of people.



I bought a very pretty new dress, kinda sexy, I'm excited.


"She will always be the only thing
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean "


this song is stuck in my head, actually not this song, just this little stanza

can't get it out, stuck on repeat.

hah it's a cute song

yep it's exactly as I figured


I had plans tonight, and it's now 10:19
they stood me up
yes, i feel remarkably pathetic. . .especially because I knew this would happen.

I'm alone

no tv

just the internet and only one season of scrubs, literally the only film I have with me




I have nothing to do and no one to talk to


I'm kind eh right this minute

yep



thank god summers about to be here

A woman inspired me today.

actually a whole six people.


it's funny, I barely had time to get to know these people, not even six months hell barely even four and I'm so sad to lose them.


Wonderful people they are.

                                                                                           




Everyone has something (or many things in most peoples case) in their life that haunts them

something that you can either let destroy you or lead you.

I have mine, I have a few.

I have been in practice of letting them go.

I can't.

How can I?

How can anyone?




She's right.

you can't.


understand that . . . you can't


things happen to you, you can't let them go if you let them go they might as well have never happened.

At times I think I'd be better off without my demons but that's just not true.

My mother once told me "katherine, you're not a victim, so don't let yourself be."
     those words shook me, when she said that I was so angry and I didn't understand. I thought my mother my own mother how can she reject me like that.      She wasn't though. She was helping me.   I understand those words now.  The world does not hold the power to destroy you, the actions others take against you do not hold the power to destroy you. That power lies within yourself. Nothing that can or will ever happen destroy you short of killing you. Ourselves are our secret weapon. you hold more power within you than you realize.   she said "how can I not be negative. . ." how could she not, how can I not?    I am a happy person. I love to smile and be happy. I adore it, and I'm happy more often than not.   However sometimes when I'm alone in my room and sometimes in the silence between words spoken  in a conversation, sometimes the ghosts catch up with me. THey do their little dances all around my head, and I fight them, but they leave me negative. I can put on a smile, because I do have reason to. But they are there, each time they tear away a little bit of me. more and more. and at first as I see the little bits of me going away I can't see what's really happening.   but now I do.
                underneath this stained human cage is the person I was being molded to be.
mother's right, I can't let myself be a victim.
      what's happened has happened, but I can't forget. I have to always remember, my demons are my friends, they remind me that I can be strong and out live every bad thing that happens. Every hurt and every tear I have ever had. was not wasted.
  I can forgive those that hurt me and they have hurt me. But look at me and listen to me, life goes on. You have to go with it, and bring everything along, don't wear it, it's not a robe or a cloak to wear and say look what I have done. It a locked suitcase. . .one that you have the key to, no one else. You can open it and look inside and see that that happened. its for you and for you only.

    who gives a shit if you were raped, abused, a drug addict, lost your loved ones, lost love, lost yourself.   of course it does matter, but nothing should keep you from going on.      nothing.

The world is a place; it's full of untold wonders, don't waste it on the bad things.  They change you that's for sure, but don't let it be for the bad.

Let it be for the good.

Find something that inspires you.
let it move you, and remind you that only you have control, will power is the most beautiful tool we have, if you can find the inspiration than use it. Take your suitcase and carry it with you, hold it close to your heart, and no that no one and no thing can beat you.

God gave us will and heart and love. those are enough to move you.


my mother I love her. . .you can say what you want about her, I know she's crazy and dizzy and sometimes annoying as hell. But she is an inspiration in herself. I love her more than words.
             my mother has been there for me, she knows my deepest darkest secrets. She is the most wonderful woman ever.




my baby

my prince, you were my inspiration to keep on.


so when you think you aren't wonderful. . .I want you to remember that your love changed me and helped heal me.

It gave me reason to be the amazing girl that you say I am.

so when you say I  am amazing remember that.


You're love has inspired me and will forever be what helps me go on.



I love you all dearly.


please listen to what I have said those of you that do  read this.


don't ever say you can't do something, don't ever say you won't do something.

DOn't be ruled by any one or anything other than yourself.

peace,
Katherine

all in all it will be morbid as usual

but tonight this pours from my soul, raw, harsh, and deserving. . .


perhaps anyways.

it is what my heart tells me.

                                                                                                                            

Pain. That is what I felt. I can hear my breathing slow and steady. I don't deserve that breath. Yet as it pulls into my lungs the poison of the air causes them to collapse. Your kiss did this to me. I taste it on my lips, how sweet; the taste of iron flowing out the corners of my mouth and wrapping around my tongue. The images that dance in my head delight me.
Yes I killed you, I did kill you. You lie on the ground your body swolen, cold, and lifeless. I still taste your lies on your perfecct lips. You were perfect. Somehow even in death you are still perfect, maybe even somewhat angelic. You are the devil though, I knew that soon after our era began. What devil would not feign to love a wrotten soul such as me. Perhaps that is why I loved you so, you were the sin the sinner craved. I abandon my pretenses and give way to what I have done. I have killed the devil, the maker of sin, the embodiment of evil, and I take you as my conquered. You foolish devil, you thought you would be my victor, you thought you could take my life, yet here I stand having taken more than life from you. Your wounds wrot, the blood coagulating, your skin stone. I eat your flesh like you ate my heart. I take your bones and skin and veins within my hands and pull at them ripping them from your chest, and there it lies with a few beats still in it, those beats which my heart sacrificed and gave to you so you might still feel this pain even in your death. I can feel the fear your unreleased soul clings so desperately to. I remove it from you; the popping of veins and wires connecting it to the rest of you sounds out like the angry lightening within my own soul. I look at your lifeless eyes and partly opened mouth, remembering every unloving word and unkind lie you ever spoke and remembering every falseness of those words. I squeeze with all my might, the heart bursting within my palm, I slam it down. I have destroyed that thing I so longed for. I, a woman scorned should now have my vengeance made complete. Is this not so? No, my head screams. I should not still feel this, I in anger claw at you digging for your soul knowing that it is still there, living within that cage, that boned and wired cage, laughing at me, mocking me. A love I dreamed of from you you still throw in my face and laugh at me, you diminish me to the lowest again. I have taken from you, but still you have taken more from me. I understand that I will never have the piece of mind. What I have now done to you, you managed to do to my soul and my body. I ripped out my own heart and gave it to  you, you crushed it within your hands. You broke every bone within in my body with you words like daggers. I wail to the night, I scream for a life I lost long ago. What can be done now? I only wanted you here, but you would feign to listen to me, feign to love. Now wishing that I had not commited this act of love, I kiss your wrotten lips again, breathing into me the poison of your wrotten mouth. and the devil you are, rise and kiss me full, wrap me in your arms and say "my angel, you have not trusted me? I promised you my heart, and here you took it, as I gave it unto you, as did I my life, you have been foul unto my soul, but I know your love like I know your lips, like a sweet licorice to consume lustfully. I cannot abandon you; love dark and pure, shall never be denied."


we kiss.


my prince has returned.

This is how it was too be, you cannot love with a heart nor with a soul, and nor with the mind.  Love is a being itself, it consumes you, once removed it is the life within you. No longer can you deny, it is a dance that cannot be done by one alone, and I am dancing, so you must be as well. Let the thoughts of lust and desire consume you, you may fall prey to that of pretty women and their pink lips and kiss those lips and taste the sweetness of their soul, but it will die as will they. They will grow old and ugly and fade always, you will turn from them. Yet those black lace lips of your angel will forever haunt you, they will wait in the shadows til you return in the night, the dawning of your day. We have given ourselves to love. What shall we do but be its victim. The devil of the night and the angel of the dark, shall love forever. Never dying, never resting. So kiss all the pretty women, they cannot give you all that I can, they cannot taste the same as the devils bride, they are not the sin you crave. So kiss them inside and out, for they are mortal and we my love are above this. We are love itself.


                                                                                                                               

I haven't heard from Seth since one pm

He said he was going home, and I tried multiple ways to get up with him to no avail


I suppose he is sleeping

(oh well I guess?)


I'm lonely, tired, sick and just unnerved




(I need him)

I want a blanket and some ice cream with my baby

(he's not here)



I'm not that sad I guess.

however every time I turn, there's a picture of him reminding me I haven't spoken to him in a few hours.


he's been so busy lately he hasn't been able to take time to talk to me.

(why do you hate me when I show  you nothing but love, and who's going to tell my mom, and what am I going to do with one thousand John Dorian chief resident business cards)

 
I am ready for summer. . .I know he misses me

( he must. . )


thank goodness for scrubs

(labradoodle)


mmhmm


oh well, I need some medicine

like really


     I wish I had a puppy to hold
or my baby. . .
              preferably my baby


did you knwo he's amazing?
    he is, he really is.

like have you ever heard him play and sing ?
              he's amazing at it, I love hearing him play, he used to sing to me like almost every night. . .I miss that. I do'nt think he realizes, that would be the best thing ever if he sang me to sleep every night, even if it was only on the phone.  I love hearing him sing and play it makes me happy.
   
did you know that he can draw?
       he can, he's drawn a couple of things for me, there pretty they hang on my wall!


            also did you know that he's super pretty?
   he is so handsome!  really handsome!    to me he is the most gorgeous boy I've ever laid eyes on him.  and I'm not lying! I'm really not!  I think he's the most person ever!

andhe's funny and quirky?
      I love it everything about him.


I'm lucky that I even have him.

 
     he's not gonna believe me I bet, he doesn't usually.

he should though, I mean it.

      He won't say anything to this. . . .he never does, silly boy

but he certainly is amazing


        I miss him, I know he misses me too.

I can't wait til I get to show him how much I love him


           he's my baby


i'm sure I over do it
           however I don't care


this is how I feel. . .I really feel for him


my heart is his forever!


I love baby
I do

I want to hear your voice


but fricking

everything has to go on at once



there's not even five seconds for that.




and I'd simply kill to hear it.


oh well I'll just put on my big girl pants I suppose and try and forget about all that is bothering me right this second




I wish I could hear your voice more


don't be upset over this


it's not your fault. I just wish is all.


but two more weeks and I'm done and home.

Temptation come before me like some wanted thing
dance around and poison my ears with your wicked tongue
touch the flesh and burn the eyes
scenes that bless my troubled mind
you kiss away that hardened being I could be
you feign to be something so much better I can see
I see through all your clever designs
and in your heart your lusts I find

when I am found wanton
I find you dancing about me


but the songs of the heart are strong
stronger than the forked tongue
I find I know what to do
when i hear the sounds echo

I close my eyes

my love I will not part

In forests green and fields fair
she created destroyed and she roamed
but a rover of the sea
in her heart she wished to be
she mothered the waves
of the rolling monster
she loved with a fury
her ill tempered child
so she set a float her back int the water
and married herself to her salty lover