I love my baby.

he still gives me butterflies

big seth bat butterflies!

I am haunted by you.

In my head I've buried you an endless number of times.

I've tried to rid myself of your being. and have succeeded.
but still your ghost I cannot shed.

Alone my mind drifts I think of all the things I want and desire but yet your unruly spirit darkens these thoughts and crowds in upon all crevices of my mind.

Why should I remember you?
you don't remember me.

I have new things to hold on to and be proud of.

yesterday I began to understand.

I used to be happy and cheerful.
never truly dark and brooding.

if you look in my eyes you'll see whats really there. a girl; me. a peaceful and optimistic happy girl. darkened by an oppressive foreboding shadow.
that ghost takes every smile and twists it. she burns every happy thought.
she's the reason my mind drifts and everyone seems distant.
she's what makes me fear all of you.

I'll forgive her for what she did. but she won't forgive me for letting her.
I've buried you so many times before. but you rise up from the graves I make and follow me to the deepest darkest corners of my being.



the only question I ever hear anymore is are you ok?
         no.
I'm haunted.


I miss you so very much.
and you're never coming back.
ever.
I'll never know you again as I knew you once.


I have people to hold on to.
one I'd like to hold on to forever.  but in realistically I want to hold on to him for as long as I possibly can.

my mind can only house one ghost.

your name I shall never reveal again.
only one knows that you exist.

thats the way it will stay.


you I never wanted to give up on you. but you gave up on me first.
I'm sorry.

I tried to be there.
I did.


we grew apart. I have lost many people. loved many people. and in part forgotten them all. but you.
you made sure I'd never forget you.


we were suppose to grow old together. now I'll grow old and you'll stay the same red vivid memory.
a ghost.

I just ask you not take the ones that I have now away. don't let me lose them cause I know that you could.

let me keep him. let me keep all of them.

you owe me one thing. let them be that one thing.



___________________________________________________________________





these may sound like the ravings of a lunatic but they are sincere and in an effort to let go. thank you for your patience.

I hate this day.

I am angry.

so much good. . .clouded by so much bad.

nobody sees it. no one's happy.


you kill me.

how can  one man's life be in the palm of some fools hand.
that son of a bitch is brave and getting braver.

bob dylan


hmm anyways the latter applies

I'm getting braver.


today hurt a lot.

not for the reasons I know at least one person will think.

yeah that. I actually didn't feel at all.       at all.


however the other thing hurt me so much and I don't know why it did.


death doesn't usually effect me that hard.

but lately death is bothering me.


I started missing someone the other day that died when I was nine years old. I cried really hard over him.
     seth was there for me. spectacularly too.

my baby squirrel cabby died today.
it hurts me a lot
       a lot.
this is weird. it shouldn't effect me like this. should it?

will be one amazing nigth.   I'm soooo freakin excited!

seth and I (and whomever else we can hopefully get to go) will be sharing in a once in a life time experience (for us anyways). We will be seeing the amazing incomparable outstanding wonderful blows your mind they are just so awesome KISS live in concert!


I am freakin excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!


seriously if you want to come then please do

we want nay NEED company.

we will rock it!

I hate facing facts and realizing how things are really gonna be.


it hurts me too much.

I'm sorry I never notice the little things.


I'm sorry I fail to be there for you like I know I should.


I'm sorry for so much.

when night falls I look into the darkness.
I see no light where your eyes once liked to shine
when I lay my head down I fear everything
I dream of all that lurks in the dark corners of my heart
I turn to the silence of the ever pressing blackness
and listen

I listen

the wind whispers
the trees shake
no sound does your heart make

the beating of the once pounding force has been silenced
you turned it off to me and left me in darkness
to fear dreams in my head
to leave me restless and in pain

I fear you more than I fear that darkness

                                                                                               

. . . .my drive home tonight inspired me


it's lame I know. I didn't say it inspired anything good it just inspired me

good night

I remember the first time I saw a shooting star. . .
you were there


it was beautiful

I remember what I wished for.

it was beautiful.

you were beautiful that night.

I just remembered that suddenly.


I wanna go swimming.