Have you ever told a lie? 

I am not talking about a little white lie you tell your friend when her favorite outfit no longer fits but you say it still looks great.  And not the lies you tell your boss when asked how things are going on the big project that is due in two days, the one you haven’t started yet.  No.  Not those kinds of lies.

I’m talking about the big lies.  I’m talking the kind of lies that involve elaborate stories and usually some sort of accomplice.  We’re talking the kind of lie where someone gets hurt in the end.  The Big Lie.

My senior year of high school, I told what goes down as probably one of the largest lies I have ever told.  I wanted to go see my boyfriend at his final Marching Band show (please stop the snickering.  I know we were dorks), however, my mother wouldn’t let me because it was over an hour away.  So instead of doing what every normal teenager does by yelling at their parents, I decided to go anyways.  I had my best friend at the time, and her mother, help me lie to my mom by saying I was going to the school dance being held the same night.  No, I drove up to watch the marching band show, surprising my boyfriend.  It was a good night.  Until my mom found out that I lied to her.

While I don’t regret going and surprising my boyfriend at the time, I do regret what happened afterwards.  I said some things to my mom that I will always feel sorry for, regardless of their veracity.  When you lie, the truth always comes to light eventually.

Are big lies ever okay?  Should you lie to save yourself?  Does motivation matter when you lie?  I doubt it does at all to the person being lied to.  I can’t recall a time when I have been lied to, knowing the offending parties reason, that it hurt any less.  There might be understanding, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  Outside of lying to save either yourself or someone else from actual physical harm, how can big lies ever be okay?

They say the worst kinds of lies are the ones you tell yourself.   I used to wonder how someone could tell a big lie to themselves. Anyone with even the smallest bit of self-awareness will know if they are lying.  Some small part of you will know those jeans are too tight as you look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good.  And you know when you’re cheating on your spouse that it is wrong, even if you love the other person.  No, you know when you lie to yourself.

However, when you tell a lie enough to others, eventually you will start to believe it yourself.  The lines between the world you’re creating for others and the real world that you know will blur.  Soon, you too are a victim to your own lie.  The lie becomes the truth. 

Until it isn’t anymore.

What if you don’t realize that you are lying?  Can a lie be as natural as breathing?  It comes out of your mouth without thought.  The lie, in that moment, isn’t a lie.  No, it’s what you believe to be true.  It isn’t until later, when you feel the guilt that accompanies lies, that you realize that you lied.  That moment you feel the loss of the lie.  And you would give anything for the lie to be truth.  You’d promise God anything.  You’d sell your soul.  Anything to retreat into the safety that is the lie.

There is no pain like betrayal.  Even greater is the pain of knowing that the part of Brutus is played by you.  The pain of the truth goes past emotional into almost physical.  When it’s someone else that has lied to you, it is easy to lay the blame at their feet.  But how do you live with blaming yourself?  Realizing that you are to blame for your predicament, how do you fix that? 

You’ll try justifying lying to yourself, you’ll try to rationalize, because your motivation was pure.  But the fact will remain that there is no one to blame but yourself for your pain.  When you lie to others, you can make amends, but there is no way to make amends to yourself.  They say that the truth sets you free, but even that is a lie.  The truth does not set you free.  The truth frees others but not you.

Eventually, you’ll slip back into the warm comfort of the lie.  The lie will be like going home after being away for weeks.  It’s self preservation to protect your self from being in pain.  And the easiest way to stop the pain is to pick up where you left off.  You’ll repeat the lie over and over again like a mantra.  Others may not even notice the momentary affair you had with the truth.  Soon, the lie becomes the truth again.

Except this time, you’ll always know the truth.  While we can lie to ourselves for brief moments, once we know the truth, you will always know the truth.  The truth will always be lurking just below the surface.  No one else will be able to see it, but you will know it’s there. 

What truths are you ignoring?

I know it's only been one week. 

I know that every day will not be like this.

But I am so freaking happy in this new job it's insane!  Every day I find out something new that makes me so thankful that I got this opportunity. Let me fill you in.

Monday I got into work a little early because you should be early for your first day.  So they made me sit one of the the cafeterias.  Yes.  That is plural.  And they all look like this.  Imagine a room with natural colors, dark wood chairs around round wood tables.  In this room are two large stainless steel refrigerators, both clean and devoid of anything growing in them.  You'll find the standard microwaves (also clean), the wheel of death and pop machines.  But, in with the vending machines is another machine with bottles that look like small wine bottles.  Obviously its not wine, instead it's gormet iced tea!!!  Also energy drinks, bottles of milk.  And the snack machine has special "green" foods too.  At this point I think I'm going to like it here.

Then, as training starts, I am slightly nervous when I learn that training is only one week long.  How am I possibly going to learn everything I need to know in one week!!!!  Then, I find out that the job I was hired to do has changed.  "Uh oh" I think to myself, for this is never good.  "They have decided to cut out the Persistance part the job and you'll actually deal with the students for less than one session before you pass them on to the Academic Advisors." 

So let me get this  straight.  Now I don't have to do any sort of retention and will actually have to do less work?  My pay is the same right?  Yes.  Yes it is!!!  It's not even lunch time yet and I know I'm going to like working here.

The trainer takes me on a convoluted tour (seriously, this place is a maze.  Thank goodness I have a great sense of direction or I'm going to get lost.) and shows me to my desk.  My mouth drops open.  This seriously can't be my desk.  It's huge.  It's a corner desk with two sets of drawers and an overhead  compartment.  Also a desk light.  With this amazing (yet weird looking chair).  Coming later will be my computer with two monitors and my own phone line.  I see people sitting at folding tables underneath the window right by my desk.  They have been here longer than I.  Surely there has been some mistake and this desk should be theirs.  Nope.  It is mine.  I'm pretty sure I have died and gone to work heaven.

The trainer tells me that my supervisor will be up later in the week to talk to me about expectations because right now it's the busy time, the start of a new quarter.  I look about expecting to see people looking frusterated and unhappy.  Maybe I need to go back to the eye doctor because around me are smiling faces and a lightness in the air.  What the hell is this place like during the down time if this is the "busy" time? 

"I know I'm gonna like it here
Used to room in a tomb
Where i'd sit and freeze
Get me now, holy cow
Could someone pinch me please"

The rest of the week went like this.  The training went by relatively fast.  The job is quite simple in theory so I think I'm going to do really well.  They are really flexible about everything except the dress code.  My calls aren't monitored, there are no scripts.  There is no one standing over my shoulder all day and if I want to surf the internet I can (but apparently there is enough work I won't have time).  If I happen to be late, that's ok, I just make up the time.  My lunch is shorter than what I'm used to.  But hey, if I want to take an hour lunch, ok cool.  Just make that up as well.  People mostly work through their lunches anyway and they are HAPPY about it.  I'm pretty sure there is some sort of drug in the Kool-Aid here.  And I'm ok with it.  I'm drinking the Kool-Aid too.

Most Universities will give a discount to employees if they want to go to school.  How about free for me?  That's right.  If I wanted to take classes, I can do so for free.  I only have to pay for books.  Oh darn.

I feel like I'm going to wake up and I'll be back at Insight because all of this cannot be happening.  This company treats people like adults.  I can take breaks whenever I want with no limitations as to how long or how many.  I can go to lunch when I feel like it.  I just have to make 25 calls a day or talk for 90 minutes.  I almost fell at of my chair on that one.  Only 90 minutes!!!!!!   What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my day!?! 

I've left work every day with a smile on my face.  Even when I had to walk four blocks in the rain and got splashed by a car and was soaked I couldn't shake the smile that is perpetually stuck.  I am even happy about getting up at six a.m.!!!!  Me.  Wide awake at 6 a.m. and ok with it.  I had even had to figure out this week how to cut hours from my shift so I didn't go overtime.  I got to leave work at 4pm on Friday!!!!  Sorry Lisa for that taunting phone call.  Couldn't help myself.

So far the only downsides to this job is the building is cold as the "ghetto" back at Insight and they are going to force me to take my vacation every year.  But hey.  I don't have to schedule my personal time in advance and it can't be denied.  Because it's just that.  Personal time!!!  Guess I'll survive taking a vacation.

I'm so happy here.  I am so completely blessed that I am here.  I thank God every day for this.  But I miss my friends back in Ohio.  I miss everyone so much.  Not so much that I'm going to come back.  I'm not crazy.  But everyday I can't wait to call Heather and tell her how my day went.  And when I find out some other super fantastic way this new job beats the old one the first one I want to tell is Lisa.  I miss coming into work every day and stopping by Kelly's desk to make sure her day is going well and if not, try and cheer her up.  I miss talking to Tanja and telling her my crazy stories, being picked on by John and having crazy conversations with Rick.  Having all my friends here is the only thing that would make this job absolutely perfect.

They are still hiring come apply.  Trust me guys, you'll love it!  Come drink the Kool-Aid with me.

Whenever I leave Penn State after a terrific weekend, I am usually sad.  I long for the time I can get back.  I always feel like I am leaving a part of myself behind.  Home is always in Pennsylvania.

However, as I said goodbye to my friends this past weekend, there was no feeling of longing.  There were no pieces of me missing as I drove west on I-80, heading back towards Ohio.  For I knew I was coming home in one short week.

Any time I have moved in the past, or started new jobs, I have always felt anxious and scared.  Would I make friends?  Would I be successful?  I would almost make myself sick with the worry.

Three and a half years ago was no different.  When I ran away from everything I knew and loved, it wasn't because I wanted to leave.  I ran because I knew if I ever wanted to move past what had happened I had to run.  Leaving home was the most difficult and yet easiest decision I had ever made.  I fled to Ohio in hopes of saving myself.

Never did I dream about finding myself.

If you had asked me then what my goals were for moving to Ohio, I simply would have said survive.  And I did survive.  Not only did I survive, but I thrived here.  In running away, I somehow found my way back home.

I know I make fun of this crazy state and the even crazier Buckeyes a lot.  And that will never stop.  But there are so many things I'm going to miss about this place:

**I will miss being able to buy liquor/beer in grocery stores and gas stations.
**I will miss the amazing weather and the four seasons.
**I will miss my free cable.
**I wll miss the amazing freeway system that is out here (but I won't miss the drivers).

But, with everything I will miss, my friends and pseudo families I will miss most of all.  Each and every one of you have played a part in saving me.  I will always think of you has my life jackets and will forever be thankful. 

Most jobs you come to work, do your job, and you go home each day.  However at Insight, and this will sound extremely corny, but it's true, it was not only a job, but a family.  Yes, I am leaving because the job itself sucked.  But the people are the only reason I stayed as long as I did.  Sure, there is the catty bullshit that you find everywhere, but truly we cared about each other.  And the people there have changed my life.

Kym made me believe in myself and my abilities.  She is probably the main reason why I am so confident in the fact that I will do so well at my next endeavor. 

Diane, oh Di.  The chocolating frosting to the inside out Oreo.  My mentor.  My friend.  The stepping stone to all my success.  I'll miss her and all the crazy nights out up the Alumni Club.

My big brother John.  I will miss sitting next to his annoying ass everyday.  I will forever be thankful to him for introducing me to the world of the Urban Dictionary and of course..."I need to lock the door!!!!!!"

Rick and Cathy.  Yea, so, I only work with Rick.  But his super awesome wife is included in this because she cooked for me so many times.  I am forever thankful that they introduced me to new foods, new conversations, and just crazy fun.  I am gonna miss the hotdogs!

Tanja and Candy.  My mothers.  Enough said.

Tibi.  I blame her for my leaving.  If she wouldn't have started me in the mentoring program, I never would have realized my love of advising, training, and helping, therefore, I would have been content in my blissfully ignorant world of customer service.  Ok.  I would have figured it out sooner or later, but still. 

There are so many more people that have touched my life at Insight, Linda, Mike, Jason, Calvin and Matt G...I could go on and on.  And this is really getting too long as it is.  I hope everyone knows just how amazing I think they are and they deserve so much better than what Insight gives them.

Before I leave town, I have some people I need to thank.  The next couple of blogs will be dedicated to them.

In the meantime.  Columbus will always be my Second Home.

"Surprise, Surprise, I traveled here.
Four hundred miles from where I'm known.
My friends are here.
A couple years I've spent, I found I have a second home."