In loving memory of those no longer present.
 
Tears for those who've gone before,
Tears for those come after.
Tears for those who've loved and lost,
Tears shine through the laughter.
Some shed for memories, those said and done.
Some shed for the lack thereof.
Some for joy, some for shame,
Some fot hate, some for love.
Flowing down a tearstained cheek,
Rivers flow and wells run dry.
All not lost, not all forgotten,
A tear falls from my eye.
Whispered thoughts inside my head, Sweet and gentle say,
"Cry no more. For what you've lost,
 Will come again someday."

Ya know, we women are quite funny. We try sooo hard to be different from every other woman, so that our man will want to be with us instead of them, and really, who are we fooling? Probably only ourselves. I don't think we can help certain things that are just built into our "relationship" selves. Such as.. I really don't put much into all the gifts an.. that a lot of women want or expect from their men. Really, I can live without most of it. Give me your time vs a gift most any day. Key word in previous sentence. MOST. LOL I can't help in that way down deep inside where I desperatly try to keep it hidden, there's a tiny part of me that wants the same courting that every other women in the world wants too. Face it. We LOVE it when a guy gives us his complete attention and makes us the star of his world. That includes all the romantic surprises he can cook up. And I really like surprises. Then, my practical side takes over. *sigh* Thankfully, my practical side is much stronger than my dreamy side. I completly realize that men aren't made of money, therfore, I prefer the time over the gift. I also realize that there are more important things in the world than me. (Much to my dismay- KIDDING!) Still I love it when he gives me that look that says there is no where he wants to be other than with me in that moment. THAT makes me feel like a queen. Anyway. Queen or not, I keep my wishy dreamy romantical side quiet so that when it happens I can bask quite contentedly in the glow. For example. We have have a date this Sunday. Yay! It's been a long time since we had one. So I am determined to enjoy this with every once of my womanly self and afterwards return to my practical non needy self.  Did I ever mention that he is definitly the man of my dreams? Literally. I used to dream about a brown eyed, dark haird guy. He didn't have a face, or a name in my dreams. Now he does. Ok, shutting up now.... here's to my date!

hmm, somehow my title doesn't sound as romantic as the original movie title. LOL oh well. It another night of lying here twiddling my thumbs. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It been a really long time since I have slept straight through a night. Either I have to get up and pee multiple times, or I'm letting the dogs out. I think they sleep better at night than I do! I'm really light sleeper so that doesn't help. Hey, ever had the back of your knees sunburned? Well it's a very unique feeling lemme tell ya. I went to the beach with Lacie on Sunday, and we were there for 3 hours. Most of that time it was cloudy and of course when it is cloudy, you think that you aren't getting any sun. WRONG! We had a great time though. I should apologize now for all the grammatical errors in the last blog and this one. Hey, you try typing them out on your phone at 3:30 am! See how good you do! Oh, I got my new car! I am very happy. It's a 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. Matt could tell you a whole bunch of other car stuff about it, but I hear Greek when he trys to explain. I'm just happy it's a good car with decent milage. It's pretty too! Silver! I moved out onto the floor at work into my new position. So far so good. Alfredo is a good teacher and I love learning new stuff. Knowledge is power ya know... Levi went back home this past Tuesday. I missed him immediatly! He stared school today I think, so I'll have to call and see how it's going because it's his first year of High School...I can't believe that in 4 years he will graduate. Well, I'm going to try sleeping..again...

It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, so as usal I am lying here thinking about life, and like most women I tend to over analyze and worry about things that really do not require any more thought than has already been given. Right....so as I lay here going over the same issue for the hundreth time, I figure I could just put this into words and maybe get some sleep. Ok, 1st issue. I am way WAY to worried about whether people like me or not. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be an individual and not give a flip and all that jazz, but there are certain people I really don't want to get on the bad side of and I'm conststly second guessing myself and my decisions, worrying that what I did or said will impact their opinion of me. Eeeek! I rather like myself, except for the occasional day where I would really rather not exist, and since I can't poof in and out, I'd settle for staying in bed, but I survive those days. Second issue, money. I think EVERYONE is having that problem lately. I am desperatly hoping not to end up in the hole for the week, but I think I'm being slighly optimistic there.. On a more positive money note, I did get a raise at work and Imm happy with it, but greedy me would like lots of overtime to go with it. Time and a half makes me purr. Of course during those long 10 hours it's more like hiss and spit...Here's another good thing in my life at the moment. I got approved for up to 4500 for a "new" car. So I get to go car shopping. And of course the love life is sailing right along on cloud nine. I'm not sure how he puts up with me to be honest, but he does. You know, this year im Dec will make 5 years that I have lived here. It's amazing how some of the biggest mistakes of your life turn into the best situations. It only shows me that God has watched over me every step and will guide me through anything. I don't talk much about my faith to others, and I suppose to some that would make me a bad believer, but I guess growing up having it shoved down my throat has made me the quiet one when it comes to talking about it. Besides I have a rather odd way of thinking when it comes to spiritual matters and people like to argue, and I don't. One of my ex's called me tonight. He and his girlfriend are expecting a baby and he was looking for some advice on the emotional end from her point of view. You know, guys gets so confused about us in the first place that I'm sure pregnancy makes it worse. It's sweet though what husbands/boyfriends do for their women when they are in love. I am looking forward to having children someday. It's been a long time since I've been responsible for a baby. "mine" (levi) is 14 now, but I still remember his little face when I would take him out to the big swing and rock and sing to him. He loved that. He is still such a sweet boy and so good. I love him more than I could ever express. Well maybe I've blabbed enough to put myself to sleep. Probably not, but I guess I'll go count sheep, or cows or something...

So here are some random thoughts, that are well, random!

Unhappy people like making others miserable. Unfortunatly for them, the other people bounce back.

Sex is like drugs, it's addicting. The better the quality, the worse the addiction.

Kids sometimes know more than adults. Grown ups think to much.

I'm in love and I'm terrified. Go figure. I don't want to be terrified, I want to embrace it and go with it.

I'm actually very fragile on the inside. I just have a lot of people fooled into thinking otherwise.

My boyfriend is the best I've ever had and I don't think I deserve it.

My brother is down visiting for the summer and it makes me wish he could just move on down.

Somedays I look around and my friends or acquaintences and I realize how young we really are. It seems crazy that we are all around 24 and are parents. I think about my parents having me at about that age and I wonder how the heck they did it. Funny how your views change as you reach an older age.

I'm incredibly stubborn and sometimes I should just give in!

I can't breathe

my mind is blank

my heart is racing.

 

Say it again,

just one more time

I'm not sure I heard it right.

 

I feel the same

but I couldn't get the words out

so I froze in time.

I'm sorry...

 

I can't wait

just fifteen minutes

to say it back.

 

I love you too.

I'm trying not to think so hard but my mind just keeps on spining my thoughts escape like butterflies it's a battle I'm not winning It's funny how even small decisions loom disturbinly in my kitchen jumping out from my tired thoughts leaving me worn, tired, wishin. To smell again a familiar scent hear a worded thought to gain back my innocence to late, now it's lost I'd rather forget all that was said and done I wish you'd been there for me I could pretend it never happened instead I cover up by laughing Everyone thinks I'm just always happy No one knows how much I hide How I try not to think to much cause then, well, I cry... -To those that should protect the innocent, the children and failed. We remember who was and wasn't there when we needed someone the most. You are not forgiven....

(This may not be the final version) The gentle sway of my hips that you follow with your eyes and I feel you watching me A drop of sweat rolls down your neck that I would follow with my tongue Concentration broken as our glances meet. Tingles rise up from my center. Imagination takes over where reality leaves off. What we would say, touch, do. Sensual game, a daring dance, wondering how, when, soon? Lick of lips brings subtle smiles following a downward glance. A brushing touch, a whispered wish, leaves a promise of more. Watching your fingers flying as you work imagining them dancing on my skin. Sighing and closing my eyes your smell overtaking my senses I could lose myseelf in you

I've had a good day! Granted, there are some hours left in which it could go south, but I'm staying positive here. I hung out with my friend Matt today at a car show, an antique car show at that, and I actually enjoyed it alot. Plus, I got a ride home in an old one which was a first. I also managed to replace my shower rod and curtain. wooooo... lol