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My Name is Nikki



Last Updated: 7/7/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 30
Sign: Sagittarius

City: LAS VEGAS
State: NEVADA
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/6/2005

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30 Apr 09 Thursday 

Current mood:determined to get better
Category: School, College, Greek
boy, has april been an intereting month.
in fact, give me a moment...









...momemt, sort of complete...

man, i'm so tired right now.  i'm tired of saying i'm tired.  i don't ever want to start another blog saying i'm tired.  let's face it, sometimes in life, i'm not honest with myself.  most people aren't (sorry, deflecting), but i'm definatly not.

have you ever had one of those moments when it all it's you and you're like, 'that's it, i can't take it anymore, THIS is exactly what's wrong with my life!"-- and it's not a job, or a car, or the fact that you can't get those new shoes or go on vacation to guam or mexico (not now, anyway)... it's something more profound... then that moment hits full on in the face... usually in the mist of some impending crisis-- and if it's usually good & helpful, you partly, if not wholy brought it upon yourself?

well, that's what happen to me today.  after about a year's break from near contant anxiety (thanks doc), i went into a swelter of an anxiety attack that lasted for 3 days near straight.  it was bound to come sooner or later.  i was trying to prepare to divert, or avoid, but it hit me square the fuck in the face, and there i was shaking, nerves all tied up, and just nuerotically paranoid.  the only difference between the last three days, and five years ago, is that i had some perspective.

you see, has you're hitting this life wall, and things start to mountk, with perspective, somehow you're able to think something objective about it... and you take it in. 

okay, story goes... i took the hardest class i've taken in my life thus far...  cause there was no way to bulshit around it with my charm.  there was a paper every week, and not just, bulshit, bulshit, bulshit... i had to do research, cause i didn't know SHIT.  every line was quoted, cause i didn't know shit.  i go around a lot saying i don't know shit, in the hopes that that'll end the conversation so no one will expect anything from me, but this time, i litterlly couldn't know shit-- it scared me, and has usually.  i ran from it, avoiding anything that might possible chanllange my intellegence, or even worst, make me work beyond the realms of intellegence that i'd grown acustom to.  i know, rolling in late to work, i know sleep walking through bulshit papers, i know intellectulizing the new beck cd.  i don't know jack shit about networking.

did you know i just went back to school to agrandazie my ego?  i knew that teachers seemed more impressed with a turn of a word then employers do-- i wanted to feel, "special" and "loved".  that don't happen at U of P.  they aren't chastising 19 year olds who are escaping thier parents... they are dealing with tired ass old people who want job security or a raise.  not toddlers. 

beyond the papers, and the team project, where, instead of working with my normal drill sargent, i got to work with a team that i was so SURE would procrastinate even more then i did so that i could pass the buck partially to them for the paper sucking... yup, i have an entire fucked up scheme for the way i currently cope with life.

in addition to this, i got a larger account at work to collect money from, and instead of doing it (cause, at this point in time, i honestly don't give a shit about collecting E's money) i instead pawned it off has some other dude's sorta fault, cause he's no more seemingly reliable then i am to my bosses, so why not pass the buck there too (but, be sure not to truly suggest buck passage-- just act all sad about thier damn money, and like, 'uh, i tried, i, uh'-- wasn't even that good a liar bout it)

all these twisted fucked up schemes to keep me from a) taking responsibly for what i want, b) taking responsiblity for what i don't want, and c) all and all, avoiding the inevitable conflict that comes from both.

the days leading up to the current revelation that i got tonight, around maybe 6 o'clock were interesting... day time relevant dreams, every movie i saw pointed to it. some things people said... i can look back and see where i was going to lead to-- today.  the ralization that i a) can't procrastinate anymore, b) have to accept that no matter what fear happens no matter what i do-- there's never a day when i will try something different that it will be SOOO PERFECT that it won't hurt my stomach and starts the voices of paranoia.  c) that i have to try, and d) that i'll never have a life that I can be PROUD of if i ignore these feelings.

there's so much to say, but i don't have the room, i was about to say energy, but i don't no what else to say in this space.
Currently listening:
Make Yourself
By Incubus
Release date: 1999-10-26
6:12 AM 
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10 Apr 09 Friday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jVgNr5hT8Y

back together again! yup, go ahead, use you're limited spanish, like i did... but my boys are back in a movie together and it's coming out in the US (w/subtitles--THANK GOD) on may 8th!

5:57 AM 
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08 Apr 09 Wednesday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWJPa0bvWnM

for those who STILL (you know who i'm talking to) seen Donnie Darko... this is the sequence... beyond everything else... this is the moment of sheer genius in this movie. yea, watched american idol and that emo boy did an AWESOME version of "Mad World"-- the song @ the film's finale. so, had to post this.

4:19 AM 
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07 Apr 09 Tuesday 

Current mood:ah shucks
Category: Life
I don't know where that comes from... just thought of it while watching the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's video.

I just got back from my "stay-cation" and i'm feeling extremely rested and fairly cool about everything. earlier tonight, i finally answered an email from a high school friend, and she said in her email, "not living the life of my dreams"... and, you know, i've been thinking about that. thinking about the whole, "life of our dreams" shit.

you know, i picked up my first Vanity Fair in MONTHS... i'm an avid magazine reader, no shame in my game. i find publishing to be, beyond film, one of the best immersions of commerce and art out there. i feel that to ignore our fascination with consumerism is "elitist", so, i don't... so i love film and magazines, there...

anywho, picked up the copy of the magazine, and one of the articles is about the american dream, and what that means, and what it's suppose to mean, etc, etc. does it mean fat plasma screens and t.v.s in the backseat of your car? does it mean living like you're on cribs when you're living in the projects? what does the american dream mean? have we all been "cheated", etc, etc.

my answer is, "i don't know." (uh, sorry). i really don't. i don't think i've been cheated, i don't even think i aimed too high. right now, i'm back in school... and probably the luckiest thing for me is the fact that i ALWAYS have the option to choose again. this dream ain't working out, choose another, this fantasy seems a little to fanciful, move on, this doesn't seem "you", then be you. i don't know if that comes off has low self esteem, or acceptance, or whatever... but all i know is that everyday, we americans, go off dreaming of bigger cars, bigger houses, bigger bank accounts... people who've never taken a economics class are trading on etrade, thinking their going to find the magic number... and the odd thing is, there's nothing wrong with that... cause, i guess, at the end of the day the dream is the dream itself... or has ayn rand might put it, or sorta does, if she'd chill out sorta, "the means are the ends."

the dream, the hope is more valid then the actual achievement.

i mean, whether you've accomplished every possible goal you've ever imagined, or decided to try at none, either way, you're at a point where you no longer hope to dream further... and whether you're rich or poor, spiritual or atheist, etc or etc... it still adds up to not reaching for something more... i mean, shit, past eating and shiting, what else is there but to dream?

nothing, right. so, uh, i guess keep on dreaming and loving the dream, and love yourself desperately in your pursuit of self or happiness or whatever you wanna call it.

Currently listening:
THE E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies)
By Black Eyed Peas
Release date: 2009-06-09
7:43 AM 
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05 Apr 09 Sunday 

Current mood:awed and inspired
Category: Life
Because movie is life...

okay, so, first point... you MUST see "adventureland"... i don't wanna be an asshole. because i am a twilight mom/girl (w/out the child for convenient excuse). and i wasn't necessarily going to see adventureland... cause that chick is so SERIOUS for, like, 18... but, she's a fucking revelation in this film. i've not seen a girl actress in a role THIS substantial since ione skye in "say anything"... there were so many varied layers in this portrayal... and i mean, since "say anything", cause even kate hudson in "almost famous" is an EXTREMELY PALE comparison to BOTH ROLES, and defiantly kristen stewart in "adventureland".

second, you MUST see it in a drive in... why, cause, if there were ever a movie more perfect for drive in viewing, well, can't think of one right now... and of ALL the movies to have has a second feature, preferably, watch it with "i owe you man"... a good enough film... cute, defiantly falling into the new bromance trend.

third, you should go with someone you love... best bud, awesome people that you feel comfortable swilling beer or getting high with. even a significant other.

also, just in general... return to the drive in. right now is such an AWESOME time to go. it's, like a double feature for cheap, you can get comfortable in your own wheels. you can watch the world around you, and watch the movie... it's pretty awesome... FIND YOUR DRIVE IN TODAY!!!


Currently listening:
Transformer
By Lou Reed
Release date: 2002-10-22
6:55 AM 
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02 Apr 09 Thursday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAfFD5luRRs

I don't know if I've put this up before... but this is one of my FAVORITE songs. I love the movie too... handsome, upstanding Sidney Portier (sp), made sexually impotent (once again) in a moving, "stand & deliver" type movie.

6:06 PM 
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02 Apr 09 Thursday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdLCEwEFCMU

things lazy people put on thier site when they don't want to blog... cause there's nothing to talk about... other people's vlogs... but these are funny so. i'm on VACATION biatch!!!

7:26 AM 
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29 Mar 09 Sunday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysFxrPNjvNA

NIN is coming... and look @ me w/out a ticket... but i'm off this ENTIRE week, so i will have more chances to listen to the radio to win some (not like work was going to stop me). i've said this before... this is a bit of theme song for me. JOB WISE, THAT IS... although, out of work is the same, @ least it's more enjoyable.

7:09 AM 
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22 Mar 09 Sunday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8MkVIe9xGc

Had to go back in the day for this... I was going to put on Sugababes "Round Round", but that's like, LITERALLY the WORST music videos ever (and not in the post modernist ironic way either).

10:00 PM 
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21 Mar 09 Saturday 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ynjdDukPxw

hey, saw this movie last night... it was pretty awesome. nice, small, "indie", quiet... speaks to quiet desperation and all that.

6:23 PM 
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