I’m trying to decide whether this can be considered an example of kiwi ingenuity.

When most people select an ice block they are after the following qualities:

1)    Ability to quench thirst

2)    Pleasant taste

3)    Recognisable and interesting packaging e.g. a rock band comprised of ice blocks

4)    Easy to open with plenty of access to the edible portion and some kind of failsafe to prevent your tongue and gums being blistered to bits

For the last couple of years I have treated my body pretty damn poorly by regularly purchasing an ice block which fails on three, perhaps four, of these qualities. I know of only one retailer which stocks these insipid treats. If you walk into the Bishopdale Dairy on Farrington Ave, Christchurch, walk to the slant top freezer and look right beside the Juicies. Available in three flavours (cola, raspberry (I think) and blue) are poorly designed ice effigies of koalas. I can't remember the exact name. There is definitely some kind of pun linking the words cool and koala but I can't quite recall it.

The form of this ice block is intriguing. From top to bottom you can see a lot of love (but little thought) has gone into creating this product. Not happy with the simple corrugated or phallic shape that many ice blocks take the form of - this thing is in the shape of an anatomically correct koala foetus. Due to poor choice of colours, and the problem of you having to squeeze and chew it like a sonofabitch to get the ice out, you don't really notice how painstaking the embossed details of the koala really are without thorough examination.

To actually eat this thing you have to cut off a plastic knob mounted on top the koalas head. Don't even think about chewing it off. Trust me; you're going to need that teeth power later. The main problem with sucking a koala's worth of bad tasting syrup out of a grenade sized packing is, due to science, your tongue gets sucked against the tube and you end up with annoying sores in your mouth. This is really if you eat amounts in excess of the one a month that a doctor would still advise against. I ate five in the last week and my tongue hurts like nothing else. There is a visible wound that looks like a small lamprey has made a meal of my tongue.

I don't know how much these things cost. Like toilet paper and condoms before them, ice koalas join the dubious ranks of things you will only buy with something else. I would wager a guess that they cost an unnecessarily exact amount, like 85c. More likely, they probably don't have a RRP and the shopkeeper makes a decision on the spot based on how many you are buying and how badly they think you want them. Next time I'm there I'm going to find out. If I've been paying more for these things than Juicies cost I'm going to feel like a right dullard.  

Don't buy ice koalas. They're not that good at all.

Today at work something amazing happened. Somehow, through a series of what seemed to be coincidences, I was reduced from my normal height (in the higher ends of 5 foot 10) to the noticeably smaller 4 inches.

At first I used this new power to my own advantage by eating ginger nuts that were as big as flying saucers. They were actually only normal sized ones. I was a lot smaller so they seemed bigger. Then I got rich by finding a 20 cent coin the size of a tractor tyre. I used a kitchen sink as a hydro slide. I squeezed under doors and spied from actual high places.

By late morning I was getting over being small and realised I was in big trouble if I couldn't get myself back to my regular size. I tried to get the attention of co-workers but most brushed me aside thinking I was a novelty that somebody had brought in to work. A few tried to swat me with a rolled up newspaper mistaking me for vermin.

I then realised, in my present condition, I was the world's most amazing man and set about a masterful plan. I got into somebody's computer by standing next to the CPU fan and letting myself get sucked into the mainframe. I then held two wires at once which caused my face to appear on somebody's screen. It pretty much looked exactly like me, except my features were made of tiny zeros and ones. My nose was a cleverly placed upper case four (I managed to reach my arm out of the floppy drive to tap the Caps Lock key). From this vantage point I gave straight forward instructions on how to return me to my correct, genetically (excluding environmental factors) determined height.

At lunch I had a good laugh with others about my adventure and also rang my parents about it. My body is pretty much the same except for my body hair. It is the same length but much of it (particularly around the navel, thighs and pelvis) is noticeably thinner. It's a bit gross having mousy wispy hair around your secret region but I think I can live with it.

What is most important is that I have no regrets about my miniature adventure.