I just had this great revelation, that so many good people love me, and have loved me, even though I fuck up sometimes.
Y'all, I am in awe with gratitude.

By way of announcement:
On May 30, I will be heading of to Minneapolis for the majority of the summer.

There are so many changes happening.
I feel, in some ways, unrooted and insecure.
I want to know what's coming...
but I can't.

In other news, I think that that boy is about to leave me for good.
...and as long as this is to the good, I can cope.
But it stings, a little.
Something about me and the way I am seems to scare the snot out of boys.
I know I'm messy, and a little too emotionally involved in my life, but am I really so weird?  I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find someone again who will want to stay with me for more than a week or two.  Once the novelty wears off, is there anything left?

god, help me.

j

To all who sent me their birthday love, my gratitude.
I should have said something sooner, but I've been... um... distracted.
There's this guy.

..right now, I'm a very happy monkey.
Y'all take care of yourselves;

j

I have died and been reborn
a hundred times
and every time, it gets a little harder

one of these days, i will fall
and i will not stand up again.

one of these days, i will cease to be
a thing of heavy clay flesh
and brittle bone

i was born to be a song
a song of triumph, of joy
a song of love and truth and justice

the song has been silenced.

    I found the microphone.
It's not what you would call a high end microphone, but between it and audacity, I got some writing done.  If you would like a sample of what I have been making, please, send mail to joii@sbcglobal dot net with an email address I can mail a megabyte to.

ja ne;

jo

love; wish to god i didn't
but i forgot that i don't believe
in the god who is nothing more than
a surveillance camera.

We must be our own officers of good
the law is in our hands.

it's in the water, baby; it's between you and me.

Yours is the ghost of a shoulder I sleep on
when sleep is too far out and crazy to find
yours are the eyes that I see when I close them
I am yours; you're not mine, but I'm fine.


needs something, still.
For the record, I love somebody.
A lot of somebodys, actually.
One of them might be you.

take a big bite
of the cakes
for the queen
of heaven

Here's to the hope
that you're not just a fool,
a puppet dancing
to somebody's tune
here's to the joy
that lives in my heart
and the hope, ever deepened,
that things that have started
won't fail;

How to help wondering;
how can I know?
How can I dream
when a dream isn't so?
How do I miss you
when I barely know
what the kisses you give me
are for; goes to show

that no one knows much at all
and me less than most
i don't know the father,
the son or the ghost
i don't know the answers;
i don't know the way
but i know that love lives;
that's all I can say
so...

so I move through time and space
at a maddened, at a spinning, at a breakneck pace
I am moving, I am breathing, I am living, I am whole
I am the answer, I am the way, I am the soul...

i survived.

...i wish that i hadn't.
that is all.

I've been thinking of getting tattoos around my nipples.
I've been thinking this for quite some time, actually.
*contemplate*

So, there's this sculpture, on my campus?
I can't find a picture of it, but it's essentially a standing mobius strip, in a formation that looks eerily like this:



Well, not really.  but topologically speaking, it's the same.
So I've got this evil plot, which I may or may not perpetrate..
to print WWED on some clear contact paper and postmodernize that sucker.

maybe.

we'll see.

j

School is done until the 21st; got my grades... carrying a 3.5 for the semester, which brings my lifetime average to a 2.4; I may get into a school after all!
It's starting to look like NIU is my best bet; if I move to Urbana, I'll be 5 hours from all but one of my people, and that would be sad.
To be determined, that.
I also just was gifted, by the maternal grace, with a new flute!
Well, it's not new, but it's new to me.  conservatory gemeinhardt, color me excited.  I'm not very good; I haven't played in about 3 years on a regular basis.  this is going to change.
what else, what else... the midi drivers for my soundcard are being whores, and, it being a laptop, it's not capable of getting a new card.  I think I might be able to get it to behave with the desktop; we'll see.
I have plans to rout out and rearrange my room such that the desktop can live in here.  I think that will be nice.
there is lots to do, but i'm only going to do a little of it, today.

also, I need to stop objectifying women; i've been on a very 'ooh, wanna grab those' kinda mood.  If anyone out there needs their tits grabbed (and rubbed and licked and nuzzled) do let me know.

j

now, don't go dying in surprise.

Yes, I'm actually posting something on the space blog.

I am sad.
I couldn't tell you why; I'd like to try.

First:
Kemp.  Has this girlfriend, who apparently spends a fair amount of her time making him miserable.  Totally wants to sleep with me, but won't, nor would I let him, due to his agreement with said girl.  This *bothers* me.

Second:
Andrew.   Is an idiot.  Made me fucking cry when I was about to go to bed.  Snapped at me, then refused to follow through the conversation.
Thanks, man.  That was really the thing that I needed.

I didn't put words in your mouth; those are my words, my feelings, my vision.


Third:
Everything else.  I am being attacked by this fear, that nothing I do will be enough, will be good enough, meaningful enough, strong enough to make any kind of difference.

I hate being depressed.  I hope it stops soon.

that's all for right now.

if you love me, remember why, and help me to remember, too...

To those who didn't know;
I had surgery this morning, and i totally lived.
yay.

that's so weird; someone unfriended and I can't figure out who.
or why.
but that's life.

live in peace,
die at peace.

j