And im not talking about the damn economy.  The great depression is inside my entire fucking body, but mostly, i think, it likes to hang out inside my thoracic cage.  But the damn thing that fucks me up the most is that shits actually going pretty damn good these days, comparatively speaking.  But it stays with me, follows me around wherever i go.  Nausea of the heart.  Seasickness of the mind.  Am i dreaming again?  I cant remember.  This shits still blurry even when i wear my glasses.  Am i living underwater?  Or is this just what air really feels like?  Have i been hallucinating, or can i really sometimes see the sound waves dancing all around me?  Why cant i pay attention to the very things going on right in front of my face?
    Ever since i saw my grandma in her casket, looking beautiful and asleep, but stiff as i had ever felt...  I dreamt of her death the night before it happened.  Someone had come to warn me, but everyone tells us that dreams arent real.  I cannot pretend to believe in the things that i have been taught anymore.  Because my soul tells me otherwise.  And who can i really trust besides myself?
    But i need to change the entire world in order to feel comfortable.  Just in order to breathe.  Because everywhere i look, i see how they are killing us.  There's fucking chlorine and fluoride in the fucking tapwater for christ's sake!  There are millions of radiowaves and god-knows-what whirring straight through my head and my brain feels like scrambled eggs.  Microwaves for radioactive food!  And for some strange reason all the shitty, processed, and thoroughly fucked-with food is way cheaper than plain, natural food.  Why the fuck is that?  How does it cost LESS money to do MORE things to a food product?  And the list goes on.  I cant go for five seconds without seeing my slow, inevitable death coming straight towards me.
    But how do you make a complete break from all this shit?  I dont want to be a hermit, i need my friends.  But i want to live like a hermit, in the forest, with a black creek running through my front yard, growing mosses that look like aliens.  If all goes well, i will graduate after the summer semester.  But i am way past being sick of school.  It is completely useless to me.  Im afraid of having a complete mental breakdown before i get done with this shit....  And until then i have almost no free time because i am constantly having to do shit in order to prove to someone that i have learned something specific, something that i will probably never even fucking use.
    I wish i could just hang out with Seed all day every day.  But i dont mean just sitting around and getting drunk, which is all that seems to go on most of the time when people hang out.  I want to really DO something.  But, oh yeah, i HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME.  Sometimes it seems like the only time i even get to see him is when we fall asleep together.
    But i cant wake up.  My mind is immersed in toxic swamp water.
    I dont want tv shows, police security, fast food, convenience stores, or all the comforts of the modern world.  I want the comforts of the earth.  I want dirt in my toes and grass in my hair and bruises on my shins from falling in the mud.  I want to meet up with some bigfoots and have a fucking drink.  Yeah, that would be nice....
    Until then, i'm gonna see if i can get some Prozac.  :)

    Man, i cannot wait to take on the fucking world.  Some shits about to go down, i can feel it!  The armageddon, maybe, but not the end of the world.  Because the world will never end.  But humans might end.  And maybe they should!  Anyway, i need to practice my nunchucks and eat raw eggs and shit.  Plus get a fucking tank.  Cuz i aint goin down without throwing a goddamn wild ruckus.  Put on your war paint, bitchez, and join my fucking army!!!!

    On a lighter not, i have finally convinced that awesome lad that he is in love with me.  Jolly jolly we is!!!!!!!!!

    I feel like building a new religion and starting a revolution.  But the religion is not new at all, many people already believe it.  I also want to start an army.  I want a cowboy revolver and nunchucks.  But we will only fight people who deserve it.

    We believe in everything and nothing.

    Or maybe i am just having a schizophrenic episode...  Nevertheless, if you want to join, let me know why you are worthy.

    GOD. DAMN. IT.

    So tell me that i haven't fucked it all up.  That good men are a dime a dozen.  That crazy people are okay when they're all alone...  Tell me that i am fucking awesome, wonderful, and a damn hot bitch!

    [Oh, and get me drunk too.]

    I dont believe in love at first sight.  I believe that boys keep drugs inside their eyes, and guess what happens when you drink their irises?  You get fucked up.  I dont know if these feelings are fact or fiction, and i dont know how to tell the difference.  I feel like ive been bewitched, but how and by what or whom?  All i can do is rely on my friends, and the advice has been unanimous.  I know now what i must do, but the thought of actually having to do it makes my insides ache.

    So i have been sick for the past few days and this could be the reason.  Sometimes i feel okay, but sometimes i feel dizzy and tired and cant keep my eyelids up.  But the point being that i am seeing things with my eyes that i have never noticed before.  My neurons are firing in different directions.  At first it was hectic and chaos, but now i see the intricate organization in what i just previously thought was chaos.  There is nothing random.  Everything can be explained with a mathematical equation, we just might not be smart enough to see the ones that are too complex.
    I am full of love and hate all at once and dont have the correct human in which to pass off either of those emotions on to.  There is no one worth loving, but there is also no one worth hating...  For the moment, anyhow...  I shall just have to love and hate myself...

What happens when your dreams start seeping into reality?
When you cover your eyes with the lies
that make you feel so good inside?
Then everything blurs and you cant see the line
that used to divide up space and time

What happens when the air becomes liquid
and you have to grow gills just to breathe in this place?
Its like drowning in nothing
with marijuana puffing
What happens when you lose your face?
When you decide to give up on the rat race?

I am the dragon queen -
Breathing fire through cigarettes.
Got flaming tongues
Slipping through my lungs.
The burning fiend with no regrets.

I've got hot ash swirling through my throat
To kill me quick before i fuck up my life.
The swirling grey
Ensures my decay.
So either give me a smoke or give me a knife.

-----------------------------------------

This emptyness is causing nauciousness
Tell those fuckers to eat my piss
The human catchers, the suspect sketchers
Who do you think the judge would miss?
Cuz i will go and steal her soul
And make them let my darling go.

    So fuck you all.

    The insanity has been creeping into my brain for as long as i can remember.  Now the dam has broke and that shit is gushing in like there's no tomorrow.  But that's okay.  There is a fine line between genius and insanity, and luckily i know what the fucking difference is.  However, staying on one side of that line is easier said than done.  Can i handle it?  Hell yes.  I can handle anything, motherfuckers.  So bring it.

    I'ma gonna paint until my face falls off...  And then try to play drums.

For stupid girls to dress like sluts.

    List of bullshit that i have encountered in the past few weeks...

1. Dripping ceiling right above my bed.
2. Bathtub faucet that wouldn't turn off.
3. Flat bike tire.
4. Lost my keys to my car and apt, and had to have my parents mail me their copy.
5. Had to pay $250 just to get my car to shift out of PARK.
6. Random wigger walking in my apt, WHEN I WAS HOME AND ALL THE FUCKING LIGHTS WERE ON, and stole my weed and my new keys.
7. Had to call a locksmith to get new fucking car keys once more.

    Yeah, i guess that's pretty much all.

    The air is changing all around us.  Can you feel it?  Do you feel ALIVE??

    I've got the fear and loathing once more.