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Todd Justice



Last Updated: 5/14/2009

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Status: Single
City: Fort Worth
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/15/2005

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Sunday, June 07, 2009 


http://www.dailycomedy.com/joke/18193



PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — What could be the world's longest lobster roll turned out to be even longer than expected.

Just once, I'd like someone to say that about me.


7:26 PM 
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Sunday, June 07, 2009 


http://www.dailycomedy.com/joke/18191



NEW YORK (AP) — Swimmers are being kept out of the water at ConeyIsland out of concerns about a sewageoverflow from a nearby treatment plant.

22 other beaches nearby were left open because apparently they face a different ocean.


7:16 PM 
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Tuesday, June 02, 2009 
Ok, I'm so excited to finally be on Twitter. If you want to be friends with me on Twitter too, click here:

http://twitter.com/toddjustice




5:27 AM 
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Saturday, May 30, 2009 
My doctor, or rather his nurse from somewhere in the middle east, called me two days ago to let me know that my triglycerides were high and I needed to start taking Omega-3. I don't even know what a triglyceride is. I also don't know what Omega-3 does. Let me repeat ... I am taking medicine I've never heard of, for a condition I know nothing about. Well, at least that's clear. And what's worse really is that this was just the most recent layer added to my ailment cake.

It all started, I think, with snoring a little too loudly for some roommates I had a couple years ago. Well, excuse me! Forgive a person for getting a good nights' rest. I let it go, but recently started noticing that I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime in seconds. No kidding. So I called the doctor. They said I probably have sleep apnea, and since it IS DEADLY, they set up an appointment. I thanked them for the courtesy. We're on a roll...

Last year, I went tubing down the Guadalupe River. On the first set of rapids I slid off of my tube and slammed, butt first, onto a rock just under the surface. No problem, I had a tube to sit on the rest of the day, right? The next day I was in horrendous pain. Did I mention I had to sleep on an air mattress that night? A year later, I still cannot sit for over twenty minutes without my ass bone aching. I hate my 40's, allow me to continue...

I have noticed that for the last three months, the frequency of my heartburn has increased to the point that I get it only when I breathe. Sounds fun, huh? I take twice the recommended dosage of heartburn pills because the recommended dosage should be prescribed for a pidgeon. I've also tried Prilosec and it works once it kicks in, which is approximately 4 days after ingestion. For more immediate relief, Tums is great if you like pink teeth. I'm in hell, moving on...

I opened my desk drawer yesterday, and felt an ache in my heart. Not the emotional kind, but an actual ache. I have felt it before, so I tried to ignore it. Then it happened again as I opened the stall door at Dennys. And once again getting into my car door this morning. Apparently, I'm getting chest pains from things that lock. Not even done...

Sorry about that, I forgot to mention a symptom of the sleep apnea. Since technically I can't breathe when I go to bed, I end up sleeping every night with my mouth ... you guessed it ... wide open. Just snoring away. I wake up daily with what feels like a fresh coat of varnish on the inside of my chomper. End up brushing my teeth for about a half hour. I can't believe my hair loss ever bothered me at all. It seems so long ago.

And now for the topper, the coup de gras, my closer ...

This past wednesday night, I decided to take a shower before I went out to eat. When I got undressed and stood in front of the mirror, I noticed something else. One was on the inside of my left leg and two were under my right arm pit. Wanna guess what they were? Skin tags! Are you kidding me? Well, I've had them before and I had burned them off with a matchstick. Don't ask, my mom showed me the trick years ago. Anyway, the last time I did that was easy. I figured this time would be no different. I was wrong. The two under my arm came off, but the one on my leg was a little bigger than I thought and apparently had roots. I burned and burned and burned, and it wouldn't come off. BUT, the next morning I noticed it did turn black ... like a tick. Now I had a dead black tick-looking skin tag that was still on my leg. Fortunately, I had thoroughly deadened the nerve endings, so I was able to cut half of it off with what else? Nailclippers.

Til next time, keep 'em laffin'....




4:09 AM 
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Friday, May 08, 2009 

http://www.dailycomedy.com/joke/17701


According to the USA Today, an increase in unemployment has prompted an increase in pregnancies nationwide. Apparently, women seem to want a lot more sex these days. These women do not live in my complex.


6:45 AM 
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Saturday, April 04, 2009 

Current mood:  excited

If you don't yet have a copy of my comedy CD, "And Justice For Y'all", it's available on iTunes. You can order the whole CD, or just your favorite tracks. Get yours now by clicking here!

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.wo/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=151304842



3:21 AM 
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Friday, April 03, 2009 



http://www.dailycomedy.com/joke/17065


MONTPELIER, Vt. — Vermont's House of Representatives gave preliminary approval Thursday night to a historic same-sex marriage bill, sending a clear message to the entire state.

"If we can marry our sister, we can marry our brother!"






1:14 PM 
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Friday, April 03, 2009 

http://www.dailycomedy.com/joke/17051


British websites today are mostly shrugging off Michelle Obama's"extraordinary" breach of protocol with Queen Elizabeth yesterday.Obama correctly curtsied, but then put her arm around the Queen, who returned the gesture and added the Iron Claw.






12:38 AM 
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Thursday, April 02, 2009 

All my rowdy friends in Oklahoma are invited!

April 8-12
TULSA LOONY BIN
6808 S. MEMORIAL DRIVE STE 234
TULSA, OK 74133
Reservations: 918-392-5653

See ya there!!!



11:50 PM 
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Thursday, April 02, 2009 

I met a couple today, and during the conversation the subject turned to drinking alcohol. The wife said, "We don't drink, we're Christians." I told her I drink and I'm Catholic (which I believe is also Christian, if I'm not mistaken). This bothered me for the rest of the day.
Admittedly, the conversation more or less ended shortly thereafter and I'm honestly not sure how she meant what she said. So, I'd like to play the devils' advocate to the possibilities ...

A. She was joking - if so, her delivery was all wrong. If you are trying to be funny with such a delicate issue, you end the statement with a huge smile and a small laugh to make it clear you meant no insinuation with the comment even if the statement happens to be true (which I believe it was).

B. Along with being a Christian, she has also made the personal decision not to drink - Ok, fair enough. With that I have no problem. Perhaps she felt the need for a qualifier as to why she made that decision.

C. Proper Christians do not drink - I'm personal proof this is a horribly wrong conclusion. Not to mention that from a comedic perspective, Jesus turned water into wine. He could have just cleaned it.

Now that I've gotten that off of my mind, I feel better. Which begs the question ...

Leave it alone, or make it worse? :-)





10:32 PM 
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