Last night I did what is known as "primping".  I put a volcano clay mask on my face, I put chocolate brown hair glaze on my hair so it would be beautiful, and I put some hair corroding agent on my legs.  All in all, I would say that was a really bad idea. 

Have you seen those Veet Hair Removal With Rasera Bladeless Razor commercials?  There's two I can remember, one is this young hip looking woman in a really amazing bathroom turning up the volume on some rockin' song, I think it might be The Mooney Suzuki, and she's wearing a "wife beater" and boy panties and she's dancin' and singin' around with this toxic cream on her legs and then she wipes the razorless thing on her leg in a cool zigzag pattern.    The second commercial I remember is this woman answers her door and Super Cute Boy is there and she freaks out and screams because she looks ugly which means she has hairy legs, hair tied back and glasses - this is upsetting because this is my usual state of existence - but in any case, the voice says "No time? Then this use toxic chemical shit on your legs" and she does and when she comes out of the bathroom to meet her boyfriend her hair is down, her legs are smooth and she doesn't have her geekatronic glasses on and she strikes a seductive pose but the really interesting part is that she's wearing the same tragic outfit which is a super short tennis/cheerleader type pink terry clothe skirt and a matching zip up hoodie.  I am of the opinion that people are really going to be ashamed of themselves for buying and or wearing in public these velour track suits that are popular.  Anyway, the commerical ends with her getting fucked but not climaxing and her boyfriend just watching football and the voice says again "If only all feelings would last this long" meaning, if only her orgasm had lasted as long as her legs will remain hairless.  If only.

Anyway, this is the product that I used on my legs.  I wasn't swayed by the commercials, in fact, I find the commercials to be insipid and insulting and it makes the product look completely useless.  But just like the gaucho pants, my aunt bought it for me because it was clearanced.  So I thought I would try it.  At first, I tried to get Darren to let me test it out on him, because if you read the back of the bottle it says you have to test a patch on you and wait 24 hours before you do it on a large area, but I think I seemed too excited about it and he decided against it.  So I tried it on myself, which was fine, it worked well enough and I was kind of looking forward to it. If it worked I wouldn't have to ever buy razors again and this was an exciting thought. Anyway, 24 hours had passed and my hairless patch was just fine so I tried it on my legs.  The bottle says to wait 3 minutes, test an area, if the hair doesn't come off wait another minute, and then another but DO NOT EXCEED 6 MINUTES.  After about 3 minutes, which isn't long enough for my thick ethnic hair to be chemically burned off, my legs started to itch and tingle so I decided I would wash this shit off as quickly as possible and just shave my legs normally.  Which I did and it took exactly 1/4 the amount of time and effort it took to wait around with something burning me that didn't even work.  I think that if I had some guy I was fucking show up at my doorstep and I had hairy legs and needed to get the job done quick I'd be in the bathroom for 6 minutes waiting for my hair to be burned off, and I wouldn't be fucking anyone who would only have sex for 6 minutes anyway, so you can see how this product really wasn't made for a person like me.  And I especially, ESPECIALLY would not fuck anyone at all who watched football afterwards.  Never. 

Instead of the time and money saving adventure I hoped this Veet shit would be, I ended up sitting on my shower floor and filling up the bathtub with the shower running for about two hours praying that the water would wash away the burning chemicals from my skin, which it did not.  At a quarter till midnight I emerged from the shower with tighter poors, browner hair, itchy smooth reddish legs and pruny fingers.  But at what price did all this come, my friends, at what price?  In any case, I had to use a lot of The Right Kind Of Lotion on my legs because they were sooooo uncomfortable.  I don't know if any of you ladies experienced this before, but it kind of felt like when I first began shaving my legs and had no idea what I was doing.  It kind of felt like terrible razor burn all over.  A burn that no water would quench.  Maybe I should have poored milk on myself to nuetralize the acid?

In any case while I was in the shower for 2 hours I had a lot of time to think and naturally I was thinking about beauty products, advertising and feminism and how all of these things directly related to my life at that very moment and I felt very encouraged that I was right about a lot of things afterall, and I also felt very sad because I know that it's too late for me because I knew very well that putting a cream that says it's a "hair removal" system on your body is a bad idea indeed but I did it anyway because I wanted to be pretty. You know, I didn't know what a bikini wax was for a long time because I honestly refused to believe that people actually in fact put hot wax on their pubic hair and pulled it out.  I mean, that's what everything I had seen or heard had immplied that bikini waxes meant a stranger poored hot wax on your bajingo and then put those clothe strip things and then pulled ripped them off, I mean, I have gotten my eyebrows waxed before but how could women do this to their vaginas? I would think "I must be missing something" but I wasn't, indeed, that's exactly what a bikini wax is.Your pubic hair being ripped from your vagina. Here's an article about it all: http://www.azcentral.com/style/articles/0805bikiniwax.html  The woman who writes it makes it sound really, really terrible, but completely endorses it at the same time!  "why do I submit myself to this torture" she wonders on the table and then "but maybe you'll become a convert like me" and "every bit of pain is worth having a bump free binkini line!"  I suppose this doesn't apply to me since I wear shorts at all bathing suit/swimming events.  But still... Maybe those of you who get bikini waxes can enlighten me with your comments.

Did you know that really the FDA doesn't do much to regulate what you put on your face?  Here, look:

If fragrance is added to a product to mask or cover up the odor of other ingredients, it is not required to be put on the label. Many companies do list masking fragrances on the label, but it is not required. "Unscented" or "fragrance free" on the label is no guarantee that the product does not contain fragrance chemicals. Since "unscented" and "fragrance free" have no legal definition, these words can be used any way the company chooses. It is up to the consumer to be informed. Buying unscented products may not provide protection from fragrance chemicals that cause adverse reactions.

It is often thought that the FDA regulates what can go into a perfume. The FDA specifically bans about ten chemicals from use in cosmetics and fragrances. Legally, any other chemical can be used in making a fragrance. There are thousands of chemicals available for use in the production of fragrances and perfumes - many which are quite toxic.

I suppose it doesn't make much difference since I've never actually heard of face cancer.  Or maybe it's just "skin cancer"?  If skin cancer was caused by make up it wouldn't matter, we wouldn't stop wearing it.  We'd wear those ribbons, though. And have t shirts and designers would make cute scarfs to remind us to care about cancer.   What color would the ribbons be I wonder? Breast implants make people sick and cause cancer but people keep on stuffing their chests. Ah well, all in the name of beauty, right? RIGHT?  No pain, no gain, RIGHT?  It's women's work, RIGHT?  This is essentially a moot point, the fight on this particular issue has been lost and if you happen to be a feminist and are privy to the things feminists say in feminist company you'll know that feminists get very, very upset when you bring up the topic of cosmetics.  This isn't because we hate them so, on the contrary!  Apparently, most feminists feel that there's nothing wrong with a society that makes women think they have to look a certain way and then lies to them through advertising and beauty products on how they may look that way.  Let's think about this, let us consider what we all do on a weekly basis to look our best.  I'll go first, since I can promise you I probably do the least.

- I try to not wash my hair more than twice a week because, according to various beauty magazines, the worst thing you can do for your Curly Hair is wash it every day! Curls need moisture!

- I do however rinse my hair every day and condition it and I also use John Frida's Brilliant Brunnett hair glaze and a leave in conditioner and a curl styling milk and a detangler since if you have curly hair you can also not brush it once it's dry.

- I also use a silkening agent during the week, it's some shit that has like, silicone or "silk protiens" to make my hair soft and good smelling.  I use that frequently, or whenever my hair is frizzy. 

- Of course, I shave things and pluck things and that is a never ending battle and eyebrow maintaince is near daily.

- I use a face mask every other day, I regularly moisturize because if you aren't using a moisterizer on your face you're make up will look blotchy!

- the make up I use is a water based, but I also have expensive make up for special occassions, however, it's very light on me because I got it in the winter and I have tanned a little so it doesn't match up just right but it's okay, I have a foundation that's too dark for me and I make the two with a little moisterizer and waaahlaaah!  I finish with a cheek and lip stain, bronzer, loose rice powder to soften and blend the cheek stain and bronzer, and sometimes mascara but never eye liner or eye shadow because I don't know what I'm doing in that sense. Then lip gloss. Oh, and concealer.

While Darren, on the other hand, shaves his face maybe once a week, showers daily, and gets a hair cut once every 5 months.  However, I was just interrupted because he walked into the computer lab and felt hot and stinky and sweaty and I said "oh, hold on , I have something for you!" and I reached into my make up case and pulled out a travel tube of this stuff called "ALL EVEN - A DRY SHOWER" which is a lotion like substance that makes you fresh and dry and cool.  And he went into the restroom to use it and came back out and  said "okay, that's awesome. If I buy you a big bottle will you carry it everywhere with you?" And it's 27 dollars. And let me tell you, it has a nice herbashish smell.

I have another point to bring up.  Last night we were watching the news or Inside Edition (which is essentially the same thing) and they were talking about the new trend in plastic surgery which is: VAGINA RECONSTRUCTION!  This means that these women go get a surgical operation so their vaginas will be smaller and to also "become a virgin" again. There's a place in san antiono that does it. The doctor who does it, or as I like to call her, Dr. Evil Traitor To Womankind, said that women do it for all kinds of reasons, like as a father's day gift or an anniversary gift or as a valentine's day gift for their husbands so their husbands can take their virginity and have a tight pussy to bang. It's called Vaginoplasty.  Here's a great website: http://www.labiaplastysurgeon.com/vaginoplasty.html  they also have before and after photos, if you can imagine.  And you probably can.  And also, here's the opening line from an article about vaginoplasty, or, Vaginal Rejuvination: Youve heard of people requesting Sharon Stones nose and Pam Andersons breasts? Well, now many women are now taking copies of Playboy to their plastic surgeons, saying: I want one like that.

Well, first, I'm sorry I've been Bloggy McBloggerton, I'm really bored.   It'll end this friday, I swear.

But I'd like to thank Ms. Katrina for her link to an interview with Patrick Stewart.  Here's some of my favorite parts and more reasons why I totally, totally love him. It is sort of a lengthy read but it's really funny. Please remember to do your best to  imagine his voice when you are reading his responses, it makes the whole thing a lot better.

You may or may not be aware of this, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, are absolutely convinced you're gay.

So I'm told! This has come to my ears only fairly recently and here in New York. And, of course, I wondered if this could be in any way connected with my work in Jeffrey. Maybe there is something that is observable, that I am unaware of, that people are reacting to. If there is, I can only say that I feel very good about it.

From an evolutionary point of view, the acceptance and embracingof aspects of one's personality is wonderful: To feel areas of vulnerability that I have not in the past associated with being a man. To also be able to admit, as I have been able to in recent years, to deep love and affection - sometimes verging on passion - for some of my male friends and male colleagues. It is wonderful to feel at ease and comfortable with their arms around me and mine around them. To have a kind of delight in that. All this is avery recent experience,

Do you have any discomfort over the realization that some people believe you yourself are gay?

Well, so far as I'm aware, I'm conventionally a heterosexual male. And yet I find something quite flattering in these suggestions of others that I'm something else.

When you were walking around NewYork arm in arm with another man,were you frightened of being name-called or harassed?

No. Until you just raised that question I realize that was never, ever in my mind. I was not at all uneasy about being identified as Patrick Stewart. I'll tell you what I was frightened of. I was uneasy about being identified as Jean-Luc Picard! And I can't think why. You can meditate on that.

You've told an interviewer you felt "much discomfort" about The Next Generation's treatment of women.

I felt that the writers and producers could not escape from their own essential rigidity in their attitudes to women. They were continually featured as sexual objects, as softer,weaker, and therefore - it always seemed to mesecond-class individuals. And because I believed and still do that the show represents what our underlying philosophies are, it doubly irritated me that in that area I thought we were failing.

There is a kind of boys' club about Star Trek, do you understand? It's in the air all around the show, in the producers, in the front office, in the writers' building. Oura ctresses were not finding sympathetic ears for the things they had to say, and I think at times they simply got exhausted by the battle.

Some people have thought Q was gay.

I did. Again, I would say this was an impression given you entirely by the quality of the performances rather than by anything that was deliberately placed in the script.[Laughs] John [de Lancey], whose work was brilliant on the show, had a kind of boldness about him, a way of looking at Picard that was provocative. And yes, there was the scene in the bed - although we didn't make that up. That was written, so we've got to commend the writers for that.

Then, of course, there's the theory, which I always found interesting, that Q is simply the other aspect of Picard. That notion was always very attractive to me.

If Q is the freed nature of Picard, and Q might be gay, is there some possibility Picard is repressing homoerotic parts of himself?

It is certainly possible. Picard's had plenty of affairs and relationships.

But he got laid only twice in seven years of the show, you said in an interview.

[Counting] It's pathetic that I have to count on my fingers how many times he got laid over seven years,isn't it! Well, I imagine he and [his occasional love interest] Vash probably did it more than once. And there was the alien woman who lured Jean-Luc down to her crashed spacecraft. The actress was marvelous, and things got pretty romantic between them. Until we discover she is not a beautiful alien woman but a rather conventionallooking alien man.

I've always assumed that the android Data was at least theoretically bisexual. I mean, if he knows 379 ways of pleasuring and has no prejudices against homosexuality...

Yes, I'm sure you're right. But I think that's a question best addressed to Brent Spiner [the actor who plays Data].

You and the other cast members frequently make up alternate, campy versions of your scenes. And you've said your favorite is one where Picard is "an ass-paralyzing coward who at the slightest mention of trouble wil lleap into Number One's arms and howl that he doesn't want to die."Was there a suggestion of homoeroticism in that?

Not so much a homoerotic fantasy as to show that Picard is essentially a frightened child.

 weltschmerz

Pronunciation: 'velt-"shmerts

Function: noun

Usage: often capitalized

Etymology: German, from Welt world + Schmerz pain

1 : mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state ; Sadness over the evils of the world, especially as an expression of romantic pessimism.

2 : a mood of sentimental sadness

Darren and I were watching some TV tonight and a Girls Gone Wild commercial came on.  He got really excited and said "Oh! I forgot, RIGHT after you went to bed last night I saw a commercial for 'Guys Gone Wild'." 

Yes, that's right, Guys Gone Wild.  It exists, it's real.  www.guysgonewild.com  Go ahead and treat yourself to the excluse previews of "The Big Easy", "Dude, Where's My Pants?" and "Heat Stroke"

Fuck you, Wonka.  You've broken my heart for the last time.

Everytime I pass by the purple Wonka Cakes at the grocery store I really want to eat them.  I know they look gross and probably taste gross, they're purple and orange for gods sake.  But there's something about the name "wonka cakes" that does something to me everytime.  This happens everytime I see Wonka Bars, too.  I've had a Wonka Bar, and they're gross.  They don't have the same delicious magical rich, chewy chocolate taste I always imagine when I see them.  They just taste like crappy nestle crunch bars.   But when I saw a commercial for Wonka Donuts I went nuts.  Each little chocolate donut is packaged in a purple wrapper and covered in chocolate and rainbow sprinkles.  How does that NOT sound amazing?  Everytime I see the commerical I whisper to Darren "I really want one..." and he says "Gross." 

I finally bought one.   I just saw them, I wasn't looking for them.  I opened up the package and pulled it out and bit into it.  It was FILTHY! It wasn't even a donut!  It was just chocolate in a donut shape. Ugh.

Everyday my desire to not ever have children or get married grows stronger.  Just this weekend I walked into a wal-mart bathroom and got a face full of green baby shit.  Come on, when I go to the bathroom  I go into a private stall and close the door because nobody wants to see me taking a shit and wiping it away and I don't want anybody to see it either - so why can't people have the same common sense when it comes to babies?  I don't want to see your baby's shit.  Why can't you change a dirty diaper in the restroom stall? I don't get it.    Is it because it's a woman's bathroom and all women must love babies?  WELL I DONT LOVE BABIES.   God, why can't people just use the handicapped bathroom?  Nobody ever uses it.  Has anyone ever seen a handicapped person using or coming out of a handicapped restroom stall?  Besides, women who have babies are pretty much handicapped anyway.  I don't mean that in a mean way but I think if you have to take care of a living thing that can in no way do anything for itself you should be granted status of  "handicapped". If I had a 20 pound growth on the side of my hip that needed to be fed,  put to bed and have it's shit wiped away for it, I'm sure I'd be granted "handicapped" status.  I'm sure babied women would agree with me. 

PIRATES!  You will find three themes in the following post: 

1 - the world is insane

2 -  I love Darren

3 - Darren loves pirates

Today, while I was getting dressed I overheard Katie Courac say something about a cruiseliner getting attacked by pirates and that they had cannons and machine guns.Of course, the stupid bitch was wrong about the cannons, like she's wrong about everything else, they actually only had Bazookas.  Darren overheard this too, howevever, and instead of going about the morn' he sat right down on the bed with his jaw wide open and stared at the TV.  "Did they say pirates?" he asked  He had some good questions, like, were they caught, and were they in a wooden boat but I didn't have the answers.  So what follows is an article I found while researching pirates for him, because I love him and he loves pirates. I have highlighted the best parts. It's really funny.

'Frightening' pirate attack recounted

Cruise ship's passengers dodged grenade blasts as speedboats chased their luxury liner

By BISHR EL-TOUNI
Associated Press

MAHE, SEYCHELLES - A cruise liner that was attacked by pirates over the weekend docked safely on this Indian Ocean archipelago Monday after changing course to escape.

Passengers described their horror as pirates in speedboats chased their luxury cruise liner at sea, firing rocket-propelled grenades and machine guns.

The ship escaped by shifting to high speed and changing course, and the cruise line said Monday the crew also used a sonic weapon to ward off the attack, blasting earsplitting noise at the pirates.

"I tell you, it was a very frightening experience," Charles Supple, of Fiddletown, Calif., said by phone.

The retired physician and World War II veteran said he started to take a photograph of a pirate craft, and "the man with the bazooka aimed it right at me and I saw a big flash. Needless to say, I dropped the camera and dived. The grenade struck two decks above," he said.

"I could tell the guy firing the bazooka was smiling," he added.

The Seabourn Spirit had been bound for Kenya when it was attacked Saturday about 100 miles off Somalia's coast.

The sonic device that helped ward off the attack was developed for the military after the 2000 attack on the USS Cole in Yemen as a way to keep operators of small boats from approaching U.S. warships. (perhaps more informative than funny.)

The gunmen never got close enough to board the cruise ship, but one member of the 161-person crew was injured by shrapnel, according to the Miami-based Seabourn Cruise Line, a subsidiary of Carnival Corp.

The pirates likely were from the same group that hijacked a U.N.-chartered aid ship in June and held its crew hostage for 100 days, said Andrew Mwangura of the Kenyan chapter of the Seafarers Assistance Program. That gang is one of three well-organized pirate groups on the 1,880-mile coast of Somalia.

Prime minister Ali Mohamed Gedi has long urged neighboring countries to send warships to patrol Somalia's coast, which lies along shipping lanes linking the Mediterranean with the Persian Gulf and Indian Ocean

So, I like telling this story at parties.  A persons reaction to this story determines how I feel about them and if I would mind being friends with this person.  You better be dumbfounded, shocked, confused and joyful all at the same time.

Everyone pretty much knows that I do not have cable and this means I watch a lot of PBS.  I even watch zoom. Okay, so, I was watching Mr. Rogers only a month ago or so and I caught it just as Trolley was entering The Land Of Make Believe.  Um... so, one of the humans was talking to King Friday about how Prince Tuesday was getting a new bike.  King Friday decided he needed to send a message over to Prince Tuesday about his new bike which had arrived.  Cut to a school house where Prince Tuesday, Daniel the cat and that really pussy duck are learning from another puppet about toys.  A human by the name of Mr. Eggers is there also explaining about toys.  They are having this long drawn out discussion... what's your favorite toy, why?  and Tuesday begins rambling about his bike when Mr. Eggers excuses himself for a moment.  Tuesday is rambling and this Elephant shows up saying he has a message for Tuesday and is looking for Mr. Eggers.  They say "Oh, he just stepped out but will be right back, why don't you wait a while?"  He says sure! I have a message for Tuesday from Friday anyway.  The message is "Life is Good."  This is confusing and cryptic even in the Land Of Make Believe and they discuss at length what this could mean - is it about this fabled bike Tuesday is getting?  Perhaps.   But as they are talking Daniel notices what looks like the top of a human head and says "What's that?"  The teacher deduces that it's Mr. Eggers head and in fact, it is and Mr. Eggers emerges from underneath some kind of table.   Everyone asks, "what are you doing down there Mr. Eggers?"  And Mr. Eggers replies "I was making Elephant talk." Elephant is the puppet who brought news for Tuesday and WAS LOOKING FOR MR. EGGERS, remember?  Tuesday, Daniel, and the Duck become very confused - what the fuck does he mean making elephant talk? "What do you mean Mr. Eggers?" they ask.  "Well, " Mr. Eggers says, "Elephant is a toy like the ones we were talking about.  He's a puppet and I was making him talk."  There's a confused silence for a few moments until Daniel, the cat, kind of "looks" around and then asks "Well, does that mean I'm a toy, too?"  The response was simply "Maybe you are.  It's something to think about."