So um..., I am sick which sucks! But thats life I guess...did you ever notice that when you have a fever everthing gets sorta shcewd  I dont really know how to explain it I guess its like being drunk on air...your brain just kinda glides over life every thing is I dont know just different?! Even the air feels different thicker and more like a slow liqiud but that may just be just me. Meep!  And you have the strangest dreams.

Last night I was a servant girl in a large estate like place on the the ocean the trees where thin and had long skiny roots. The ground was a mix of sand and a dry dirt packed hard and a grey color. The plants where a mix of trees, ferns, grasses, and herbs. I remember sleeping in the main house and caring for a group of children I mostly watched the children until a series of events which I was given another job in different part of the property.  But I slept in a cabin down by the shore which many others also shared they also served at the many various tasks about the place we all wore the same brownish course clothing. The strange part of the dream was the ocean which changed throughout the many scenes of the night.  The shore was curved and had two great arms that reached deep into the sea pulling at the sky making the sky appear more like a bowl then as it normally appears.  The water making a quite tinkling sound and bathing the shore in a light silkly foam sicky shining irodeslently in the light. One of the nights of the dream the was a storm which turned the sky a bright orange and the sea a pale green the winds blow a spicy scent warm and burnt leaving a metal tang within the mouth. Lightening struck the sea many times each time their came a kneening from the ocean a eerie sound that made my ears hurt and my skin crawl, reeling with power strong enough to bring one to there knees.  I stand on the shorter of the two arms and fly with the energy of the storm trying to devine the message hidden within the music.  It is at this part the I am no longer the person on the beach but rather something else more like being of energy I suppose it would be somethin like that, anyways I race through the storm following traces of the message Im looking for...I follow the lightening into the churning sea and ride a whale-like creature (Whale shape; furry, light colors that changed moment to moment, and was telepathic) to a liquidy cave made out of mulit-colored mysasma.  I remember watching it for so long it remind me of another dream long time ago...oh ill write more of the dream later it was long and I add more aslong I as dont forget more of it.

Ah look at the pretty bubbles their so shiny...!

Time its slipping slipping away,

I cant stop it, its to fickle almost brittle,

so many tears,

screams of rage echo against its tide but they to drown in its waves,

 like sands in a hourglass to quick to count,

but if you know how you can it turn back,

start again,

pick up the pieces,

it stands like a prism never forward or behind,

how do you look at it fasits,

do you ponder,

want,

desire to play the game,

but we all play,

do you know the rules,

or do you want to,

if you know them you must play by them,

is it better to be ignorant,

or prehaps to break the rules without constraint

to guard,

 or to use,

but it doesnt matter the sands are spent and so they keep on flowing,

can you catch them in your hand,

silver theads fallen before you,

can you pick up the pieces of the mirror,

or will you cumble to dust along with it.

    So Im enrolled in 16 credit hours this semester and one of my classes is Japanesse culture. Its a fun class with lots of reading and different thoughts and views. I like to read ahead and thats just the type of person I am. Well while doing that I read the book OUT author: Natsuo Kirino Good Book dont get me wrong but it a little out of the oridenary...to say the least. Its a crime fiction novel with many elements that end up reminding me of Hanibel Lector...dont get me wrong I have always had a happy place in my heart for Mr. Lector his charactor lived free and was full of interesting insights...lol! It gives a new insight into contemporary society, it shows how ordinary people can be drawn into committing brutal crimes and it makes one think about how much of our behavior is learned and how much pain and anger play a large part in life. Though it focuses on the darker side of Japanesse life I believe that the same can circumstances and events can and do happen in any other devolped country.

Here are some of the more disturbing snip-it's of the novel....which might not be approperite for young readers...

One of the most important pieces of background for the Charactor Satake is his first murder and how it would haunt him ....and lead him in a cycle of self-distruction and desire thoughout the novel falling deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of his mind.

"The woman had gasped beneath his heavy body. He rubbed against her, lubricated by the warm, sticky liquid, but as her body radually grew cold, he felt as though they'd been glued together. she seemed to be see-sawing between agony and ecstasy, but finally Satakepressed his lips over hers to quiet the groans--of pain or pleasure--that were leaking from her mouth. He found the hole that he had made in her side and worked his finger deep into the opening . blood was pumping from the wound staining their sex a gruesome crimson. He wanted to get further inside, to melt into her. As he was about to come, he pulled his lips from hers and she whispered in his ear: "I'm finished...finished" "I know," he'd said, and he could still hear the exact sound of his own voice.

I bit creepy I have to say but this is what drive his life forward he spends 7 years in prison for the crime and when his gets out has two clubs one a prositution gentlemens club and the other one is for gambling: baccarat. He shuts down his emtions and sexual drive after this and trys to forget the woman. But he feels that he was truely born on that day and that it was his form of love and thoughout the book he is looking for that same feeling.

Another important charactor is Yayoi a devoted house wife and mother who appears to be the model person but when a careful look is taken we see that her marriage has been failing for a while and the her job is unable to support her family without her husband's income (Kenji). Kenji has been spending all his paycheck on a woman name Anna who is Satake pet "Top Girl" at Miki A club owned by Satake. To recoop losses he takes to playing Baccarat and loses alot of money and so uses all the familys saving. When the stress got to him he started beating his wife. But one night he went to far and the poor semissive houeswife lost it and...

At that moment, her patience snapped. With lightning speed she slipped off her belt and wrapped it around his neck. Kenji made choking sounds, trying to look around at her, but Yayoi pulled up and back, tightening the belt in one motion. Gasping, he tried to get his fingers around the belt, but it had already dug into his neck. Yayoi watched intently as he scratched at the leather, and then yanked even harder. His neck bent back at an odd angle, and his fingers twitched meaninglessly in the air.

The problem is when she relizes what she has done and needs to get rid of the body so she calls a friend from her job at the lunch box factory.

Masako is a strong woman with a husband who lives in his own world and a son who wont speak. Deeply unhappy and restless with her homelife she is are true main charactor though she shares that spot with Satake.

They were quite a tio: a son who had given up both education and conversation, a husband in the grips of a depression, and Masako who had opted for the night shift after being down sized from her own company. Just as they had decided to sleep in separate bedrooms, they seemed to have chosen to shoulder their own separate burdens and inhabit their own solitary realities.

To help her friend Yayoi Masako get rid of the body she gets her work friends to help cut the body up to dispose of it from Yayoi. The women each are brought into the task differently but mostly because they need money badly.

The body: She use her knife to cut around the hip joints. Watching the blade slip throught the layers of yellow fat, when she reached bone, she braed her foot on top of Kenji's leg and began sawing the femur in just the same way as one would cut through a log.

Kazuo the poor 1/2 braizalain 1/2 japanesee man who came here to get money and to expereince the land of his father. Has a crush for Masako and wants her forgiveness.

Yoshie: the skipper, Has two girls, one grandchild and a ailling mothering law how is bed-ridden and cannot move one side of her body. She is a widow and is very poor, she joins the group so that she can move and have more income.

Kuniko: shop-a-holic, has tons of loans and no way to pay them. Is tacky rude, and is out for herself. The girls blackmail her and offer her money to pay the interest on her loans.

Jumonji: Loan shark, low grade mob man: kuniko blackmails Kuniko into telling the girls securt. Used to work with Masako and later offers her a interesting propersition.....

In this strange tell of woe, suffering, and self-discovery the reader is force to self examine the circumstances in life that make us what we are today. I think its a good read but Im not sure what to think about it......

To all those who knew Hermes he was a wonderful friend and noble feline. To those who didn't you would have loved him. A large black Cat with a questionible temper. He could catch a mouse to save his life. He was 4 years old and was rescued from a cold hard life outside. Very intellegent and understood most english words, could open doors and played games like: touch my belly, and can you find me. Though he was a active cat he loved to lay on paper...a lot. but one day we came home and he wasnt feeling well and the next day he had left this world. He was wonder friend and we do not want another cat but I m tried of everyone asking so I wrote this in the hopes that those how dont know wont ask where he is and those peeps who want to give us a cat will stop asking.

We believe that he died of Feline lucima which can be contracted at anytime in a cat's life. WE miss him so much...! 

Hello

So I when to see my Dad and Grandparents I thought it would be a easy couple of days with no worrys and lots of fun. Little did I know this must be crazy week in the universe...I knew I should have checked my calendar..."sigh" It was a pretty uneventful until I got to Tennessee...and that when it began. The trip was good but Ryan was a handful at home and drove me to distraction and worry. The first circumtance...Ryan was in the library at E.K.U. when he had to use the restroom when he went to the bathroom are paychecks were stolen out of his backpack. Though luck was with us when he was coming back toward the library after reporting the checks as stolen so that a stop could be placed on the checks he heard laughing. Upon coming closer he heard the theives "two white male about 5'10'' both wearing ball caps and tee shirts" laughing and joking about stealing the checks waving them about. LESSON OF THE DAY: IF YOUR STEALING A CHECK DONT BRAG LOUDLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A AMPATHEATER.....Duh!!! So he when located the theives he ran down and full forced head-budded the first spinning him about like a top, then started hitting the other though was hit once in the face he took back our pay-checks with out much problem. I hate theives if your one then drink some bleach...lol! So he kicked their ass's and got the checks back, but that was just the beginning. After paying some bills the boys: Logan, Claston, DJ, and John all went to get some booze...all was going well or so they thought. Upon relizing they had forgot chaser they stopped off at a gas station to fix the problem but when leaving Claston closed his door which Ryans hand had been sitting on with out relizing it was there which accidently broke Ryan's thumb.... =( LThe blood was everywhere and the nail with dangaling they put super glue on the injury to keep it in place. I was not pleased. When returning home Ryan found that he had  locked his keys in the house and had to rip out the sceen "after he broke his thumb" and brake into the window to enter the house to open the door so that the others can get in... "sigh" Then the next night Ryan invited some friends over but most canceled and only John was the only one to show up well that was no problem, John passed out... Before Areil showed up Ryan had dissappeared and John had just woke up. After them not being able to find him John and Areil called me in a panic. They checked to the Jail, Hospital, and the streets but no Ryan...and I stay up all night worrying about him. He returned later after his stumbley wombbly adventures: to the strip club with some japanesse guys "random events" then to the bar...got to hang with the boncer which was kind enough to take him home at close. Sigh I only left for 2 days and he gets in so much trouble!!! But Ryan is ok and he went to the clinic today they give him some anibodics....I know I cant spell. So this so end the hardships of the weekend. But I did have a good time at Dad's....

Stop your monkeying around....?! lol!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=sshbHTDSwCk

I have a small question for those "normal" peeps that might frequent my blogs as few and far between as they might be. 

Why do humans think that they their lives are more important than that of another creature?

 I have had a bad habit since my childhood I have never valued human live the way others do. Death never bothered me I fact you might even say that I have a since when it come to death. I have always been able to find bones and know when someone is close to passing. Maybe it is this that has dulled my "feelings for humans and their fear of death".  Humans deaths are no more important then that of a bug or a blade of grass for all were alive and had its own objectives. Its not that I want people to think less of themselves but to release that their not that important to the great scheme of things. If one human dies or a hundred thousand it doesn't matter. I only matters on the individual level not to the survival of the species.

Humans have little or no good for the ecosystems we have very little purpose except for increasing are own numbers.  Now I release that I just stepped on some toes but I must say if you can prove me wrong go ahead I m listening with both ears open but its doubt-full that you can. Must likely that most will use the will of god excuse again but if deity made it so that all animals and plants are part of cycle then why would go with common sense that we too would follow this system. But alas we do not have prededors nor is sickness a real problem for us any more so are numbers sore without any check. This wouldnt be so bad but we don't control are breeding or are eating. We are quickly out growing the Earth. If we had something to fear and prededors we would settle back into the cycle but until then we will only be a detrement on the enviroment. And sadly humans are merely concerned with their own welfare not that of others wither they be animal,  humans, or the Earth as a whole.

So to the point; why do you think youself so important? If I died tomorrow would you care, would the world stop turning, would time stop....no of course not, and yet we feel that each human life is so important. If you die it doesn't matter but to those family and friends that are around you. Humans are the most selfish and destortive force on Earth.

As my boyfriend Ryan put I would care more about the death of a cat (any animal really) then that of fellow human or that of a stranger. What can I say animals have a purpose and humans are just there killing themselves and others...

Humans have talents like manifestation and their faith...the blind belief in a purpose or idea allows them to accomplish more then "humanly possible" under normal constraints which is a interesting some call this prayer and others magic it doesnt make the destroction worth it. Think what you will of me, but do you ever wish ill on another? You cause pain to your friends, family, and peers without thought or greif. If you think that I am being harsh then think back to your own quick judgements and cruelitys. Are you aware that humans are the ones responsible for their own pain. We living off of emotions and creating situations that we can feed off the pains or joys that we grow accustom to. Have you ever noticed that some people just keep getting themselves into that same abusive relationship or bad workplace? It because they begin to get used to it and start relying of the feelings that they experience. Now I do not care if you believe me you will come to this realization sooner or later on your own.

I hope that one day soon we can reliese our fault and except that we feed off the weak and use them as prey for are emotions. There are many studys going on now on this subjuct if you are interested then just google the topic and see what you find yourself never trust another to do it for you because they have their own motives in telling it to you. The first step to change is to look for it....

Slowly we recover from our ordeal with the battlefield complaining for acks and pains. In was hard to get going back once we did it was like a stone rolling
down hill. But prehaps I should start at the begin of the story. It begins not early into the morning but late the evening before where there was a flurry of activity cutting gluing and pack of swords. In a place where duck tape rained from the sky and spary dap misted the air with a hazy dream like apathy and foam was as grass upon the ground as if it had sprang up from the Earth itself. After organizing the first years into fixing there waywhere weapons (Not that it was enough, but thats later within my story) I reworked my pommal with the care so that it was thin and comfrotible without being comparmized in strengh. Then I set to work on the blade it was just to thick and weighed to much for myself. It problemly took me about two or three hours to finsh it up to my specialfacations and when I finshed I was proud for not only could I lift it comfortibly but it sang
within the air I could feel its want to drink the blood of my foes. The boys and I worked long into the night and Ryan and I enjoyed a little "pick me up".  Ryan and I later worked the rest of the night on giving the house a real good clean because theres nothing like coming home to a nice clean house when you have been rolling in the muck for four days. And it was because of that I bearly could raise when the alarm cut my dreams apart and left them in a bloodly heap on the floor. I dragged my zombiefied self to the shower. I was bearly able to stand and stumbled for the first hour or so to get ready for the days to
come.

I still had to go to class on Thursday but I got to skip my Friday class altogether. When I returned home the boys had been sitting idle Ryan didnt' even feel the need to bestir himself till two and had packed nothing into the car so I had to start by hitting the ground running so to speak. I finally convense Chad he
has no choice wither he is going or not! I might be evil =D ,but you are all mine! We finally leave listening to rowdy pirate and fair songs to lighten our pending death.....down a dusty worn road to meet the fate that are destiny has prepared for us. We travel for a mere 4 hours and arrive around dark and stumble around trying to find our cabin (lol no real camping anymore just cabins) filled with some riff raff and have to chase them out of our space.....they didnt take to that well they stole the light bulb in the cabin and tried to kill chads car but chads car has more wit then the lot of them....^_^

We party and party and party and dawn comes to early! We pick up our swords and go to weapons check. Marks weapon fails and suddenly burst into flames....so much for that weapon...huh "shrugs" Neither did Ryans or Chad weapon pass the first time...mine did but without my compodras I didnt feel very atheletic so I went with them down to the cabin to fix the weapons. Marks had to be rebuild so I focused on helping him because Ryan and Chad knew the way to make the weapons sound and mark didnt. We have lots of fun smoking, drinking, and making weapons and pass most of the day this way. The grilled food was so good......yummy! We had lots of meat, fresh veggys, and corn on the cob.....YAY! I love to grill out it tastes so much better then food cooked the regular way.

The next day Ryan wakes me up at dawn dodging thrown objects and vile looks and drags me to the lake to watch the sun rise. It was a fifth aniversary and we went on this trip to celebrate it. In montgumary bell state park its a plythra of wildlife. The fish where leaping out of the waters of the lake to show us the colors of their bellys. A great white crane saranaded us with his worbbling and a family of geese and their goslings greeted us with welcome. It was as if the lake itself was greeting the new day waking around us on the dock. The woods where teeming with wild life and we watched it all with open hearts and bathed in its glory. We sat there for a long time how long I couldnt tell you but it was the best part of our adventure to see the beauty that is abundent in nature on daily basis was wonderful.

We fought hard that day and I had many good deaths. I have either gotten a lot better or I am a good weapon maker because this year I got what I have got in all the past years put together. Chad and I and Chad and Ryan just kept getting simos and it was very annoying. I battled with many opponts but I think the toughest was the guy called sleeper because he had a sword that was almost twice my height ......../cry scary!

Feast was a blast though it didnt taste very good...I battled some goblins and tolls to breach the door with the mob. Many good allys were killed trying to seige the windows but with some time and lots of whining and  battle we where able to break down the door and flood in to the food chamber. The horde wasnt pleased even though we were nice and let them live if they "served us" they were sirly and through our food and it was covered in green slimy goo....and that was when all hell broke loose and food became aniamated and flew about the room with such speed. And a food fight began and then it was just bad to be there....^^

I had a great time and so did all who went if you want to go next time just email me!