What passion God has given me. I know God still has some suprises for me. I don't know what they are but I know God is getting me ready for something big. Perhaps another change in my life. My heart is excited about the deliverance of the past and a renewal of dreams given.

As friends get married and have children there is hope for an unknown future. My heart is excited for the changes to come. I don't know yet what they are, but God suprises me everyday.

I was asked today by a friend if I were to be in a relationship with a young man, what would I think I have to offer? I stumbled over the question because I act out my feelings and actions not always by words. But if I were to put them into words; love, compassion, mercy, I am a hopeless romantic, I love God with all my heart, and vulnerbility. I have great listening skill, I am a working in progress just as anyone else, and I accept myself through God's eyes. I have lived my life vicarously and have learned that no one is an island unto him/herself. We need each other. Relationship is very important for our growth and maturity. Living with my mother has helped me understand that even when life throws punches we stick together and fight. Paul says we run th race, we fight the good fight. I wonder what fight are we fighting these days? Is it for money, material gain, or for ourselves? Or are we now willing to fight the good fight for others when they don't even know it. Everyday I look at my mother and I see changes in her. Everyday I recognize God is working in her life. I see changes in the attitudes of my younger sister and in my own dad. Can you believe God is bring my family back from the dead? While we were still yet sinners Christ died for us. There is a revival beginning to occure and  want to share it with you all. There is an air of excitement and I do not dare to hold it back.

I am no longer in control of my own life. I have tried in the past to control it, but I can't it isn't mine to control. God is in control!

As time has passed by I have recognized that I haven't really lived. I have cared much for others. I find myself crying myself to sleep more these days. Not because I live with my mother. I find I am not where I want to be in life. I ask how it is that I have become so discontent with my surroundings? How is it that I have become so self absorbed, selfish, and self reliant? This isn't me.
My passion has always been for God. To worship, praise, and give him glory for all the things he has done in my life. Yet, I am discontent. I desire so many things in life, yet I feel I will never obtain them. They seem so unobtainable these days. I keep asking myself have I lost hope and faith? Have I become so pittiful that I have lost even the measure of faith God had given me through prayer? I use to love praying; communing with God was my passion. I could hear him once telling me "Your a women after my own heart Angela" only I am not sure that I am anymore. Did I miss what he called me to do? Have I become numb to his presence? I sleep a lot these days, I can't stand the quite anymore, and I am scared that I have angered him so. I clean my mothers house every day, I look for jobs, and I speak with friends. Yet I never tell of my own pain. The pain of knowing that I do all these things for my mother because.
I have pushed myself out of people's lives. I spend most of my time in regret. I am desperate to hear God again. Yet, I am stuck in a circle of the same things happening over and over. I struggle with my discontentment only hoping God will hear my prayers and forgive me for everything I have ever tried to do on my own. I struggle day and night with my consciences. I find no relief in the pain I feel. I cry everyday now, sometimes I am not even sure I know why I cry, other days I know just why. This isn't an emotional or mental matter, this is spiritual in every possible way. I struggle night and day just to find peace with God.
No one knows my heart better than God. No one knows the torment I feel inside. I battle not with myself but with something far worse. I battle with grief and uncertianty. I don't even know how to describe that war, but the battle is tormenting my soul greatly. I have been praying but not like I should or even the way I want to. I seem to fight so hard and yet nothing comes of it.
I will not apologize for my depressing thoughts. I speak the truth. I fight something unseen everyday. My dreams haunt me, not for anything I have done, but the things that are going on around us all. No, this isn't some self-righteous or supper spiritual wording. This is what I fight with everyday. It seems unexplainable in words, yet I know no one else understands it. I know scripture well, I know how to pray, and I know not to let anything get to me. Yet everyday I battle against something unseen. I am beginning to wonder if something is about to transpire. I haven't had to fight this hard before, yet its like I don't fight at all.
This is not meant to be a riddle. I am talking about spiritual battles. Things that are unseen and to some unheard of. My dreams have become darkend by the enemy. He has played this one on me before. Yet I feel this time I am living in my dreams. Everyday not doing a thing except looking for jobs, cleaning my mothers house, taking care of everyone's dogs, and cleaning houses. Nothing good has come of all of this. I found a church I like, but I find I am being kept from being there all the time. I would rather be there than here most days. I find solitude in God's sancturary, yet his presence is distant from me. I have sought his favor and I believe I found it. I have sought anointing and have recieved it, yet I know not what I am to use it for. I know God isn't hiding it from me. Yet I find I must have overlooked it in some ways.
Yet there is a question that remains in my heart. Am I destined to live my life in solitude? Am I to be alone all the rest of my life? I have no job, no drivers license, and no precievable life. I am trying very hard but with no results. Is this to be my life?

Yesterday I finally got it! I finally realized what has been bugging me for the past three years. My mind was so set on education and fears that I would never make it. I had lost my passion and the fire in my belly that has in the past led me to do what God wanted me to do.
I had reconciled to myself that I was never going to understand what it was that caused my angry and displeased disposition. However, God had a plan. What in the world are you talking about? I am talking about lossing sight of the plans God originally had for me. See I thought because I left Teen Challenge that I would never be able to minister to others again. I thought I had disobeyed God. I didn't. God had me there for a season. Maybe that is what caused me great displeasure. The fact that I thought I would be there for at least two or three seasons before he placed me in another place.
Well, God has brought me to a place of expectancy. A place of birthing what spiritual gifts he has prepared me to use in another ministry. I don't know the result or the future, but I know my past and I have gone back in my mind to remember all the encounters I have had with God. Each one with its own special piece of the puzzle. It seems I am going to be singing again. I have been invited to sing at church. I felt humbled by the invitation, however, I believe it will lead to other things. This is a destination I have longed for in my walk with Christ.
Yesterday, I spent a great deal of my time thinking about purpose. Later I ended up in discussion with my mother about something I just didn't recognize before. I couldn't believe how important it was to her that I came home. I know I had been a big help. I just didn't know that she prays these thanksgiving prayers about me. However, I know her desire is to have her family back. This touched my heart greatly, since I have been praying for such things to occur for the past fifteen or so years. Though I haven't prayed them in the past three because I lost faith in what God could do. Woe to me, because I know that without faith I can not possibly please God. God brought me back to intercession just a few days ago. I have confessed my unbelief to God and to all of you.  can't even believe how I got so far away from God in this matter. I got so sidetracked by the difficulties of all other situations that I left my first love; GOD. I lost sight of all the things God had shown me through faith. He brought me back and showed me again to be faithful in the small things, to come back to a simple life yet again. I am excited again. I have smilled more these days than I have in many years. I have joy again. I can cry without feeling guilty. I can praise God with my whole heart and trust that he will guied my life where he choses. I don't ever want to go back to the way it was before.  

There is a movie I saw some time ago that brought my attention to the devistation of my flesh. The movie is called Defeating the Giants. The movie is based on a high school Football coach who continues to have a losing season. However, during the school year he and his wife are challenged by lack of good transportation, a house that smells, and they can't concieve a child.
There is a portion in this movie where the Coach prays to God. You can call this prayer desperation, however, I believe it has a grain of truth. He says, "I will love you even if ......." You can fill in the blanks of this prayer where you are at in life. I began to pray this prayer soon after I heard it. The prayer I prayed was God I will love you even if I never get married, have children, or be where my heart truly is. I didn't pray it in desperation. I prayed it with my heart.
It doesn't matter where I've come from, but it matters what lessons I've learned. It doesn't matter what situations I've come through, but it matters that God has brought me through it teaching me his faithfullness even in times that I didn't even think he was present. It doesn't even matter If I live a life without the things everyone seems to want. But what does matter is that I am sold out to Christ Jesus. I will always love God no matter what happends.
All these things in life rather we struggle with materialism, sexual promiscuity, idoltery, persecution, gossip, ect..... God is present and wanting us to come back to him. He will always love you, but expects us to do our part of the work.
If we truely what relationships to work, it starts with our relationship with God.

I am sure all of us remember this wonderful song:

Your love is amazing, steady and unchange, your love surrounds me Hallejuha, Hallejuha! Your Love Makes me sing.

In our many circumstances we see ourselves struggling to make ends meet. We look away from the provider who gives us much in the means of love, hope, grace, and compassion. God is calling us back. The Psalmist David reaches out to God in praise and then in worship. How Awsome! If we would apply this to our daily lives we would see victory, we would see the works of God's hands everyday and every moment in our lives.

There is another song that comes to mind by Mary Mary:

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance. I just want to praise you, I just want to praise you. I will praise in my circumstance.....

You all know the full song I am sure. Its funny we knaw on these words for so long and it becomes embeded in our hearts and our minds. When we really are dealing with some major situations that lead to consequense of our actions or maybe the consequences of another persons actions who are in our daily lives.

God is always there. He walks through every situation with us even when we don't feel like he does. Praise him always! Never allow the enemy to tell you your being a hypocrite because you simply don't feel like praising God through your circumstances. This is the lesson I am learning in my life.

We must always remain moldable and teachable no matter the circumstance. Sometimes we look at the circumstance and not at the Author and Finisher of our faith. This just leads to more trouble. Focus your whole self to the one who nitted you in your mothers womb, who gave his son for you so that you may have ever lasting life. Walk side by side with him, set yourself at his feet in humility, and learn all that you can in relationship with him. Life is difficult its not going to get easier. If your married love one another, care for one another, pray with one another, worship together, praise God no matter what issues you may have, always apologize when you know you've wronged him or her, and love your children as God loves you as his child. These are the lessons I have picked up from all of you my friends.

I have one prayer request. At one time I once told several of you that I was content with being single. This is still true, however, my heart does long for a husband. However, I have felt that this is something that is greatly impossible for me. I have put it before God, but I believe that I should be honest with everyone. My greatest fear is failure in relationships and in all that God has for me. So I hide and I have found myself realizing I can't hide anymore.

The new year is coming. Every year I pray for movement in my own life. Yes, there has been some movement in the way of reconcilation with my family. However, there is another movement I have hoped for since I was eightteen years of age. I hope for a relationship with a young man. As I tell all my friends I hope to call all of you to tell you of this miricale. All God's miricales are precious and I hold everyone very dear. However, this is something that is a very big deal to me. I don't take relationships with the opposite sex lightly. Marriage is so very beautiful that it should remain in the sight of God before two persons; male and female. I don't believe in Divorce. I have already seen the painful underpinnings of what it can do to children and extended family. Yes, I realize that sometimes marriage doesn't work. However, I was given what I call some great advice; you never know the person your married to, it is in trusting God that you realize each day you must learn together, grow together, and never allow yourself to believe the lie that it doesn't just take love. It does take love. Christ is the epidemy of love. You have to first learn that he loves you before you can show that love to anyone else and that takes everyday of your lives to learn such a value. Take in the moments, learn of God in everything, and never say you can't do it. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

I love each of you. I know all of you know I don't say these words to just anyone and not mean it. Love is a precious gift and there is such a profoundness in the measure of such a love that only can come from God, because he is the ultimate creator of it. Not us.

Love always,

Loretta Angela Boutwell

My dear friends,

I write this in hopes to bless each of you. This is my Thanksgiving offering to God before all of you. As Christmas draws near we find ourselves thinking about one hope. This hope is God who came in the form of man Jesus, his son. Each of us have accepted him into our lives. We each call him our savior, master, friend, and first love.

Today, there has been a transitioning in my faith. I guess you can call it a paradime shift. I use to complain about my life circumstances, but would you believe God had to lead me all the way to North Carolina to see him clearly? Yes, I have seen the errors of my ways. I am determined to seek after God's ways once again. To have him teach me his will once more.

No, it didn't come suddenly, it didn't come in a burning bush, a song, a portion of scripture, or even in a dream. It was truly a still small voice of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we don't recognize our condition when others try to tell us. Some people even try their hardest to encourage us and show God's character to us. It doesn't mean that the past things that done aren't vaild. God does thing in our lives for the greater good; for his glory!

So today I give God the glory over every past issue. I have learned that God allows us to go through circumstances, trials, and heartache in order to teach us that he is the Author and Finisher of our faith. I most certainly wouldn't not describe my past circumstances like Job. But I did lose my family, which God is restoring Praise God! I was homeless, but God found me a home, Praise God!, he has even restored my faith in many different areas, Praise God! So today is a new day with new understanding and amazing Grace!

Loretta Angela Boutwell

I find myself in a greatly humbeling situation these days. For the first time in my life I had to file for unemployment benifits to see me through until I find a position in the work force. I admit when my mother first suggested it I allowed my pride to get the best of me. I have never had to file for unemployment, however, I know God will direct me to what he would have me do.

Yesterday, I finally told my mother of an incident that I have forever blamed myself for. Something I have never told anyone. I struggled for several years with this particular area for so long. However, God opened my heart to understanding, that what happened wasn't my fault. I had spent most of my teenage years acting as a parent and I had to make an extremely difficult decision that I thought runined my brothers life. I finally told my mother the whole story. Yes, we cried together and now she understands why I needed this for both of us. We had been both praying the same prayers for reconcilation and restoration for the past fifteen years. How awsome is our God! That he would place such a prayer in both our hearts?

I don't know the results for the future, but I do know who has the results. For right now I am contented to remain in God's arms as he shows me how to be a daughter to a mother who is broken but being restored. My heart feels a great deal of humility and greatfulness. I have so longed for this to happen and to be honest it is almost like it happend over night.

Though things may look derry for a day, God reveals blessings. Sometimes we look with our eyes forgetting that we shouldn't see thing with physical sight, but by faith. Yesterday, as I was reading Romans 7:15 my eyes glanced at a this particular scripture and it touched my heart. It is about our hope being unseen and how when it comes to pass we no longer need to believe it will happen because it has already happend and therefore we hope for new things unseen. Paul truly knew how to argue and place scripture into perspective. I just hope we all remember to be thankful for our hope that is renewed everyday. Don't take life for granted or the blessings God has given each one of us.

I am thankful to everyone who ever took the time to love me, teach me, and befriend me even when I never felt I deserved it. I now know each one of you are the blessings God has given me. I pray that I may be just as much a blessing to each of you. If I haven't please forgive me for my selfishness and self-centered behavior. Sometimes we don't recognize those who truly are a blessing in our lives and it is easy to take advantage of it. I apologize for my behaviors.

I have to go for now.

Loretta Angela Boutwell

I don't know how many of you struggle with authority. I know I do. I have for a very long time. I can blame it on my ADD, or on my distrust of elders. However, if I were to really look at it, it is really my flesh. It is a struggle that I hate in my own life. I do believe strongly in scripture, but application in this particular area has never been that easy for me to apply.

I don't know if anyone ever reads my blogs anymore. It wouldn't supprise me if I have alienated everyone. Or perhaps, my words have been to strong. I really don't know anymore. Time has taken its toll. I do still struggle with my singlehood, but find a blessing everyday. I know sometimes that seems confussing, but it is the truth.

My mind is in a condundrum. It doesn't seem to want to push anymore. I have grown tired but not unwilling to change. I have found myself wondering in a wilderness of self-doubt. I trouble myself to serve when I am suppose to be still. I seem to not grasp as many concepts only because I am still struggling with the one issue that has kept me bound. Acceptance of myself.

I know who I am. I know the past very well and have learned a great deal from its lessons. Only God could have seen me through all of it. Placing people in my life and helping me learn a valuable lesson about relationships. This stills seems to push me over the edge, only because I desire so greatly for fellowship. I hunger to be around other Christians, to be apart of something bigger than myself.

I think that this is about all I have to say for now. I am sure my heart will pour out more thoughts and feelings about the matters of life and struggle. If I didn't struggle I would question my own salvation. Scary thought for anyone dealing with these same issues. Just remember that we push on to fight the good fight, to run the race, leading to the arms of God."

Love,

Loretta Angela

What shall I proclaim in the name of the Lord? What shall I do for the glory of the Lord? What can I do in the presence of the Lord that would please him so?Tired of technical questions. Tired of mediocrity. I am tired of being displaced. I have travled so much in these past few years. I have wondered am I running from something, or am I running towords something? I wonder what missteps have I made? But these questions I ponder have left me with little light?

Direction is something I need everyday. Direction from the Holy Spirit. Is there something I'm missing? Did I lose track of God's plan? I am struggling everyday, trying to keep my heart in God's hands. I am dedicated, I am in Love with God more than life itself. Why do I struggle so much? A pastor once offered a noble response, "that when we struggle we are fighting against the enemy, without that stuggle the enemy doesn't bother with us because are no danger to him." I am not so arrogant to believe that we are the one's fighting. No, it is the Holy Spirit that fights for us. Do we struggle yes, does it come from the enemy in the form of the flesh yes? These are all scripture based. But do not fight on our own.

I know I made the right decision to leave Texas. The world really was crashing down on all of us. I know to many people would say that I was running from issues. Truth is I was running toward some issues. I am living in North Carolina with my mother. I can't say how much of a struggle it is to hold back what I have been told to speak. But I know that it just isn't the time yet. I know what I was told. What was spoken over me. To be honest I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to stay in Texas and fight to get my drivers license, to help my family, and even make a go at finding a better job. I was obeying God when he spoke stay with Sylvan, I hold to that everyday. However, I do now understand why. God was preparing a way that was beyond anyone's understanding. It took me through a loop. I admit change isn't that hard for me, it is just new environments that I find difficult to accept.

I have recognized that these are tough times. It isn't going to get easier. With the G 20 summit comming up, with world leaders are beginning to discuss in greater detail about a one world currancy. Or enconomy is wavering, our beliefs becoming irratic, and the world as we know it will come to an end. We all knew this was going to happen, yet no one knows the time or date at which such things will occur. Honestly, I had hoped it would have come earlier. I miss home, my Father God. So much is happening and it is difficult to keep up. I find myself staring at the t.v hoping God would answer my plea.

Father God,

Let us come back to you. Help us to see the truth and let it set us free. Call to our hearts once again to cry out for the lost and dying world. Though some may take it as religion rather than a disciplship. Father hear our cries. I may never see the day I marry, but Father God you are my first love. I will hold that in my heart forever.

Cry out once more, cry out for God to heal our land, to set the captives free once more. Cry out for deliverance, for redemption, and salvation. There is a world crying out for a savior and yet are being lead astray. Cry out as though your life depended on it. Cry out! Forgive us of our sins, ingnite the fire that has so turned to a hot amber. Inginte our passion to serve only you and not ourselves Father God. We turn back, we plead for your mercy and grace. Hear our hearts. THE CHURCH NEEDS TO GET WITH IT! LEAVE THE WAYS OF THE WORLD ALONE AND GET BACK TO THE TRUTH. IT WILL SET YOU FREE.

Loretta Angela

Times have changed derasticly. With the economy going topsy turby, the job market being as it is we are having to fight hard. Though this blog really isn't about either. My concern is with our walk with Christ Jesus. Have we really turned our backs on him? I would say that say that the world has and it is a dangerous venture.

For some this may come out being judgmental and harsh. However, I have never been known not to speak my heart. These are some serious times we are living in my friends. We find ourselves almost at our wits end trying to make ends meet and then in turn we blame God for our problems. We created these issues not God. We must take the ultimate responsibility for our own actions. There has been an outcry for some time and God is about to answer. I don't pretend to know God's will. I just know that he wants to reconcile his children back to himself.

What can we do about this? Nothing! God will send a messenger as he has done for centuries. Jesus Christ is the only way to God. Seek him out and know that he has his purposes for the things which have occured over the years. Wait on him for direction, he will give you the words to say.