Now, if at any time you ladies think I’m being too lenient on men… they’ll get their turn in the hot seat next week.
Ladies, has a guy ever made you sick by burping out loud, still wearing the same t-shirt you met him in five years ago, or using generic soap instead of the real shampoo you got him? Does a male's inability to verbally communicate messages other than “uh huh” send you into a conniption fit that would nullify Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick? Does the movie Red Dawn make no sense to you? If you have answered “yes” to any of these then this article is for you!!
They say it’s the little things that make a person happy. Concurrently, it’s the little things us guys do, or don’t do (like forgetting to put the toilet seat down) that drive women insane and provide virtually all source material for Desperate Housewives. The funny thing is that we guys, typically, are not doing these things to be malicious. Sure we get a good chuckle immediately following the easily distinguishable “splosh” in the bathroom, but then we quickly realize it was our fault because we had forgotten a vital step during our last session of bodily relief. Out of penance, we instinctively begin to make our bed on the couch.
The problem is not that we guys are pigs… ok, we ARE pigs, but we are simply misunderstood pigs. Like our foreign policy makers, you women try to understand us through your own eyes and can’t quite figure out what our obsession is with muscle cars and universal remotes. This is ironic since many women’s magazines are devoted to telling young women how much we men are pigs, but then below the headline on the cover is another featured article titled “His Idea of Girlfriend Material, (February issue of Cosmopolitan).” It’s a love/hate relationship that has been the source of a lot of confusion and miscommunications between the two.
For this confusion, above all, I bring to you the comprehensive list of what we guys think you ladies should know about us in an effort to deter the high encounter rates of what we call “the look.”
1: One of the most important things to a guy is the need of self-actualization or a position of importance in society. Despite the historical trend that males have been the dominant gender in power, or so all you Lady Macbeths have skillfully led us to believe, we need to feel important and, above all, necessary. With so much competition for power and recognition, we struggle to find our place out of the fear of being forgotten if we fail to leave behind a lasting legacy. This is why many males prefer to have sons than daughters, that and we remember what we put all the girl’s dads through in high school. It’s misogynistic, but it is also understandable. So ladies, if you want to solidify your relationship with a guy, let them know that they are important to you because us guys do not hear it enough just like how guys do not genuinely compliment how a woman looks enough.
2: Just because we’re male, doesn’t mean we’re all about sexual intimacy. Our society places many bizarre standards on males and one of these that a male must copulate as much as possible less he be considered impotent, or something else, by other men. To be impotent is to be worthless. Truth be told males, biologically, are no more sexually driven then women are (and my biology professor thought I never paid attention), we are just susceptible to society’s gender roles, peer pressure, and alcohol. Not to mention it is the loud mouths and drunken males that attract negative attention and not the sober one sitting in the corner. Very few, if any, great guys can be found at a bar or drunken party.
3: If you want our opinion on something, ASK, but be ready for a blunt answer. I’ve noticed that women are more verbal and often times imply something else other then what they just said. Meanwhile, we guys communicate with simply linguistics such as grunting and show our interests by the advertisements we wear on our clothing such as Quaker State (racing), Bass Pro Shop (outdoors), or in my case, the Seattle Mariners (baseball and delusional). Men are typically very cut and dry when it comes to communication and will NOT pick up on subtle messages or implications, which I’ve noticed infuriates all you ladies out there. My solution is simple, avoid metamessages and be up front and honest. Most guys respect honesty and openness but cannot stand mixed messages. Work with us ladies; we’re worth it… most of the time.
4: The possibility of rejection and letting a woman down scares us more than death. My step-Dad was a member of Air Force Pararescue, a group dedicated to nothing more than specialized rescue in any environment including combat and, despite having the experience of being shot at, nothing scared him more than asking my Mom out all those decades ago. Perhaps women are the same way, but men are typically scared to death of rejection since it reveals to us that we are inadequate. This may not be the case but, to us, rejection means our own worth was not sufficient to warrant your affection or even a chance to attain it. Believe it, or not, but males can be sensitive on issues other than the Minnesota Vikings and rejection is biggest of them all.
If a male is asking you out and seems genuinely nervous about it then it is probably sincere. It’s the overly confident ones you should be worried about anyway. If a guy asks you out confidently and you’re curious about his sincerity, walk away and watch his response when he think you’re out of sight. If you see him take a big sigh of relief, wipe sweat off his brow, or faint, then it’s a good chance he is sincere.
5: Lastly, and I know you’ve all heard this message a million (+1) times but here it is. If you don’t want guys to stare, don’t dress like that unless it’s summer! When you’re showing more cleavage than a plumber, how am I supposed to focus on the more refined aspects of a woman like her eyes and that “personality” thingy that everyone keeps talking about? I know, us guys should rise… errr, overcome such shallowness, but like billboards on the highway, they’re right there and as big as life. Also, like the billboard, what is displayed tells the consumer what the product is all about. How you dress tells us males what you want us to know about you and if cleavage is it, then what conclusions do you want us to reach? You could be trying to show that you are proud of your body but that’s not something a guy gets on a first impression. That’s not misogynistic, that’s advertising. If its summer and it is hot out, then you have a genuine reason to be upset.
In conclusion ladies, understand that us guys have a dog brain. We see things in overly simplistic terms and often fail to see what is written or spoken between the lines. Not to mention we are not perfect and will occasionally get into the garbage but we are still well meaning. Be up front and honest with males and do not get disturbed if they seem nervous around you. You ladies are a lot more intimidating than you think. Also, do not think that we males do not try to understand you. We males have periods too ya know? We have three in any given day; they’re 20 minutes long and begin with the drop of a puck.