Just a few things I learned from hanging out with my friends anGd just a few thigns a picked up they are in no particular order enjoy <3

1.Who knew the location of the pork burger stand was such valuable information? (BBQ Festival)

2. Cheesecake on a stick ='s fucking delicious (BBQ Fest)

3.How does she do it again? (watching kill bill)

4.I believe she does it by being Uma Thurman(Watching Kill Bill)

5. Kill Billy can not stay serious for more then 30 seconds then the wheeee whoo siren songs comes on and annoys Ronni xDDD(WAtching Kill Bill)

6.Everytimes it's sams turn in Apples to Apples someone must always put GRASS SKIRT down *I think thats right correct me if im wrong* (Jessica after semester Party)

7.I fail at playing the wii...I fail horridly u_u;;;(Jessica's After semester party)

8."....Did someone say Dryhump....??"(he's just not that into movie night)

9. Apprently I fail because that bitch Brittney spears stole my concert virginity XD(Jessica's after semester party)

10.Homemade buttercream fudge is damn yummy :D (random cake backing night with sara)

11."It's an.....Ice planet?" *Naaaah thats just Antartica* (Stargate marathon)

12."I'm not lucy"(stargate marathon)

13.According to jake "grawburg is a douce-face" (stargate Marathon)


If i missed anything let me know :D <3

Make up for the stupid things i've done in the past? when no one refuses to let it go
how can I forget them and learn from them if they keep holding it over my head seriously im getting sick of this shit ok story time kids
my Sociology professor has canceled class at least 3 times I now don't have class on friday (due to good friday) So i thought i would give mom the heads up and she says
"well then I want to see the email"  he didnt send an email he annoucned it in class and then she goes "well ...then i'll just ask devon then"
all i know is she better give me a godamn apology when devon tells her the exact same fucking thing i did but i doubt that will make up for how bad she hurt my feelings doing that tonight I litereally walked away crying...I stopped myself from saying anything to get me in trouble but so much did i want to scream at her I thought she trusted me and then BAM i get my car back and she automatically doesnt trust me anymore
I KNOW IVE MADE MISTAKES IN MY PAST but the more she holds it over my head the worse i feel and the more i feel like giving up she doesnt seem to think of how it affects me somtimes I want her to trust me but when she doesnt all i think it "what is the point?" or "why bother doinjg this if she isnt going to trust me and has to check with someone else "
its just fucking stupid people make mistakes i got a little fucked up for awhile but im better now but i wont be all the way better until she begins to trust me a little mor e
I hate what i've done and i regret it so stop with the shit already mom please!! I;m begging it hurts when you do that...and to make it worst she had to do it when i started to open up to her again......
 
i dont know what to do or how to calm down im just tired of it....

Apparently I have a mean strike I've been letting out....I wont lie I probably have been showing my mean-side a little more then I ussually do but for some reason Right now (since December) I've been feeling a little fragile, and used and many other unpleasant thing so I guess something inside me finally fucking snapped and as a defence of sorts I just became kinda cold and mean......and now that I think back on it I havent really been myself since christmas...I..the person I am now is cold,uncaring,rude,distant , Really does'nt want to give anyone (old or new) a chance before I jump on then and tear them to pieces......Mom is worried about me and has gone to drastic measures to fix it (taking my car inssuance away) which sucks and pisses me off further and makes me want to lash out more....but I can see her reasoning...or at least the little part of me left that still see's reason.....right now...i've been hating alot of things that inculding myself more then anything else i hate myself....for hurting those who have been around me the past few months....something is bugging me....eating me away on the inside and little by little destroying what little happiness I once felt...nothing feels as good as it should or has these are things ive kept held in and havent mentioned (or if i have ive been rather vaugue and dropped hints )
I guess after  getting hurt for the final time I finally got tired of being taking advantage of ,used.thrown away ,getting hurt that I just gave up and became mean as a way to keep from getting hurt anymore ....now that I have stopped crying from the talk me and mom had and can think clearly I can see these things I have been a little mean to those around me but ......I'm just so tired of getting hurt all the time by people....all my fucking life there has always been some dick-weed to hurt me
mom's first husband wayne, then her second , and her third , and then the dick-head I chose (chris) ....there are other incidents I can think back on but i guess what chris was the last straw to what little I was already struggling to hold onto...The past to years have been like ...hell losing yet another father figure cause he was selfish and choose his own happiness (alchohol) over his family who loved him.....some of you may know well what I am talking about (jessica and sara) cause im not sure if you remember but you were there when I got that phone call from mom when we went to wendy's saying he went drinking again and to look out and be safe....but yeah but from ther things never really got better only worse I litereally saw my mother fall apart....the woman who was always strong ....for once...fell apart....two days....she laid in bed crying.....I had never seen my mother so weak before.......it tore me apart and I always thought "why doesnt Darrell see?! why can't he see what he is doing...how it's affecting us too? how his son is scared ? and mom.....pretty much non-exsistant??"
yeah...he never saw....but unlike the others I think I held everything in like a moron.....and never fully let out what I felt......In a way I tried to be strong for mom and john....but not in the good way.....and now....a year after all that mess....Im not who I used to be 
Now like i stated I blame chris for being the ACTUAL last straw (sorry I got a little off track) cause well.....I was already barely hanging on to begin with and after what he did.....I can say now I just fucking snapped at first it wasnt to noticeable....but it's getting harder and harder to "play" nice  (acting to be nice) and for some reason I just want everyone else to be angry too!!! to feel like I do ....which just isnt right...now its not always like that...sometimes...I just shut myself away....but now that im thinking....I do want to be like this anymore!
I dont want to be this person anymore....I want to be who i was a few years back before everything went to shit!! I want to feel happy again ..I know that means I have to start trusting everyone again..but im scared....scared of being hurt.......betrayed again.....used..for everyones amusement then thrown aside again until found again....
I dont know if any of this is making sense to whoever reads this ...if not im sorry im trying my hardest to make it easy to understand....but I think this is one of those things that arent easy to understand unless you've gone through it...I dont know if my friends have noticed a difference in me cause you havent seen me for awhile....and im sorry for that...but that's partly cause I just dont want any of you all to see me the way i am now....and i know it may be a shock cause i seem happy alot of the time (until recently that is) but it's all just a bit of an act I guess...I seem it but in fact I AM NOT! im farthest from it..... those who see me almost daily have really noticed......hell...im mean as hell to jason sometimes....and how he can continue to put up with my bullshit is beyond me.....but i'm thankful he stays...and hopefully soon I will snap out of this.....and be who I was before this all happend be happy and trusting loving kind....and not use some cheap act...I know i need some form of help...but as to what kind...I dont know...
anyway..I just had to get this off my chest..... and the reason for the title...of this entry.(dont know I just feel like explaining) for some reason thats how I feel...it's a song I really like but the chorus is what I love most :
"I hope we never meet again!"

"So that you know what it's like
To be in Hell
So that you know what it's like
To scream for redemption
So I'm just going to come back
With a burning gaze
I take the last match
And burn your beautiful perfect world"

The song by the way is called "Das Letzte Streichholz" or "The Last Match" so you can make more sense of it
I'm hoping that you all can see where im going with that if not then i guess I can explain...That pharse is how I feel because of all the shit I have gone through and the people who have inflicted that suffering (william,wayne,Chris,Darrell,Justin,Andrea)....yeah I pretty much want revenge on them...thus I hope we dont meet again cause I will find a way to make them suffer....and yeah I think you get it now
a little info I had to translate that song..(it's german) and when I translated it....I couldnt help but smirk when I saw the chorus...cause thats how i felt
anyway .....yeah I think I'm gonna end this........I'm tired I got dragged out of bed just to be told I have no car insurance (so now I cant drive) less my "attitude" changes which lead to crying a fight, a long talk and now im tired...and feel like shit... not the best feeling in the world...and I feel like crying again..I can feel the tears forming again....and I just want to fucking scream and hit something....or just dissappear...make it all go away...but it wont ..
~Brittany~

 

Y know ts been 3 months since that faggot up in california lied to me and pretty much left me for dead for some bitch that everyone but me knew about.... and i can say now that.hahahaha......what a fucking loser!
him..not me xD I can now think back on that bullshit and laugh but i dont wish him well .....that will never happen someone as heartless as him does not deserve anything good to come of him...
anyway yeah just thought i would let that out there ever since i met jason i have been doing alot better...words cannot describe how happy he makes me xP sure we have our fights but dont most couples? we find ways over that he is just...amazing he is so kind and caring  i honestly have no way to put into words how happy this man makes me it's just sad that i had to get my heart ripped to shreds before i found him lmao!!! but whenever i see him i cant help but smile and i get this tingliness all over when im sad he ussually is right there (via phone or in person,email ) to make me feel better ive never ..known any man to be so kind (if you are reading this jason dont you dare make fun of me!!!!! cause if you do you know i will get you back >D) lol  but yeah just staying here with him the past few days have a realized how much i truely love Jason
 
anyway yeah other then that things are going pretty good I got that job at the hostpital I applied for so im uber happy about that :D i go in for a drug screening and a TB skin test  soooo yeah as nice as culvers is its just not cutting it i cant work 1 day a week for 5 hours its sad when you live with your mother and can barely pay for the rather simpliest of things =/ and basically what tyler is doing is not fair ....i have been there since the place opened and the ones who have only worked there for only a few months or since summer are getting more hours then me which as mom and papaw has stated (mom is taking bussiness classes and such)  and pawpaw has just been around the block says its really not far that thats been done those who have worked thier the longest should be getting more hours not the ones that have only been there for a couple of months 
 
now that my rant on that is done lol !  i guess thats pretty much it for now i really cant think of anything else to write about other then i cant wait till classes are over  and summer break comes around :D classes are fun and all this semester but shit they are kinda wearing me out D: anyway yeah
 
love you guys...and whoever reads this <3
 

as most of you may have known by now im having a hard time with my mom with our fights and how nothing i do ever seems to be good enough and how in the end i always feel like a great dissapointment and the such a horrible person well just a few min ago i finally broke down crying and told her (not in person since im away from home right now)
that im sorry that for once i am ACTUALLY happy (she was mad cause im not coming home till tuesday morning) and i specifically told her friday when she called to check on me i would not be home till tues and im sure jason will back me up cause he was there and she didnt say anything!!!! and now she is bitching at me about it i love her back godamnit !!! she has a way of me just wanting to fucking end it all cause she always makes me feel like the bad guy ... im still crying right now actually cause i know after what i said shes gonna be pissed and i dont want to think about what else she might do

but holding in all that emotion was killing me i never told her how she made me feel cause i ididnt want to be mean or whatever reason i had

dont get me wrong i love my mom but maybe me and her are to close and maybe thats my fault for saying that i thought of her as a best friend on her birthday i dont know maybe im just trying to find a place to lay the blame maybe in the end it really is all my fault i am a big dissapointment though i know some of you may dissagree but its just imbedded in my head i still have held alot of emotion of what i feel around my mom and how she makes me feel.... back and i know thats not good but i just dont know how to break it all to her.... im scared, i feel like shit, so many ways i feel i know im not the best daughter out there but i am trying to grow up a little bit and it feels like she is tightneing the string more now that ive met jason and am trying to well....spread my wings a little bit or maybe its all in my head im so fucking confused about it all the time it goes back and forth in my mind all the time that i get to the point of screaming

right now i feel like it's a bad thing i love jason and want to spend my weekends with him but when im at home....i feel a kinda emptiness...and i get uber depressed though I do not show it ive gotten good at hiding my emotions in the past year or so .... i dont know and i think im gonna cut this short i dont know what else to say other then i feel bad , confused, and like the worlds biggest bitch... someone help me please?

lately since the damn ice bullshit around here things seem to leep going downhill from getting really sick to just going nuts from to much family time.... but thats not what this blog is about tonight......
last wedsday i received the news about my grandfather....who passed away many of you know i have been worrying over it cause he had cancer and didnt have long to last.....and im finding it hard to beleive hes actually gone....i keep thinking that when i go up there he will still be there ......i had hoped to be able to see him one more time....i loved  grandpa chuck with all my heart he was an amazing grandfather one of a kind....funny ....gifted...always a great time when i you were with him like many in my family he was young at heart ....so..im kinda heart broken now that hes gone...dont get me wrong...at least hes in a better place and is no longer suffering from the pain the cancer brought....but it still....something inside me feels like its missing.....to make it worse i wasnt able to attened the showing of the funeral due to distance and the weather......when i got the text (from jason my step mom had to mail him since phones wouldnt work) i literally i had to re-read the message ...cause i couldnt beleive what was in the the message......and it took me a bit to register it.....and then it hit me hard.....i didnt do anything at first......i was doped up on the medicene for my stomach........but i broke down finally on saturday night at jasons......i dont know why it took  so long but it did..
today was the funeral......and ive kinda spent the whole day going in and out of a daze...i kept going into a daze perhaps cause mamaw kept talking about how since he went in his sleep and so on....
anyway yeah.... grandpa chuck i love you and i hope that wherever you are now your happy .....i miss you like crazy.....and i wont be able to watch beetle juice without thinking about you ( i remember how you dressed like him one time or at leasst i remember the picture :) 
 
 

Alot is going through my mind as I write this...i think idont know im too upset to think straight....but once again me and mom got into another huge fight....my fault really always is....seems i can never keep her happy nor be the perfect daughter for her.....i knwo its my fault...I lost track of time while cleaning my room and didnt get to the dishes and her bathroom  like i said and even when i say sorry
it doesnt matter....she has to go on this huge rampage......and end up making me feel like the world's worst person....which probably isnt a lie ....like i said i know its my fault i shouldnt have lost track of time ....i should have done the shit....
and as if that wasnt bad enough she thought the only reason i was cleaning was for my boyfriend ....ugh she always has to make it seem like there is a reason i d something no i was cleaning my room cause it was pretty messsy and nasty and pissing me off.....so hey~! i thought i would clean it....maybe it would help make me feel better about myself i ahve noticed when my room is clean i feel a little happier.....weird i know but true but nooooo mom has to go and think im cleaning it for jason "well im glad you want to be a good house keeper for jason" that kinda pissed me off....
but after the fight.....she didnt see the worse half ...i began to panic to much and was having trouble breathing....and of course being to stubborn person i am i sat there for a few min trying to calm down.and now my body is completely worn out.......im not trying to whine and bitch ....but damnit!!! i have so much built up right now i need to let it out somehow
 
but right now im fairly fucking depressed (sorry jason i know i said i wouldnt be but ....)  and it didnt help that while i was cleaning i began thinking about all the times i have let mom down ....and ...wow....i really am a horrible person....
 
I try to be a good person...but im lazy....moody....sometimes a bit selfish ....very forgetful....absent minded...
 
not to mention when i lose my temper.....im pretty much a monster.....once i realiazed that i burst out crying...but thats how i feel....ad thats how mom made me feel tonight as well.....like im a horrible person wether its true or not i dont know
there are so many things id love to tell mom but everytime i try to voice my opinoion on something or even defend myself....she doesnt allow it...i love my mom i really do ...but there is so much i can take......and im so scared of her most of the time  ( a little fact i keep hidden) but yes....I do fear my mother.....
i know alot of the times i say shes like my best friend but thats cause at times she almost seems like it then there are times when she seems like she couldnt care at all
 
im sorry mother i lost track of time......and didnt do the dishes or clean your bathroom ....i know you work hard for 8 hours 5 days a week not to mention classes mon-wed but ......and i know you get frustrated and tired ....but sometimes it feels like you take it out on me....i know me not doing some housework doesnt help....but sometimes...you overeact just a bit much.....and honestly it hurts me .....and im sorry im such a dissapointment to you....
 
i love you mom...but im not the only one that needs to change....

mmmm.....just been thinking alot about things and how much things have changed since christmas...lol good changes :3 im alot happier now a days thank god <3 i was litereally thinking i was on the verge of losing it....everytime i turned around some other bullshit was falling apart..but now that ive let go and pretty much let it all out things are looking up.........and its  a great feeling to continue  being happy =^-^=
im glad to finally be over that mother fucker chris :3 everyone was right.......he dont deserve me...he had his chance .and once again fucked it up xD hahahaha
amazing how someone can fuck the same thing up over and over and over 
 
anyway enough about him... hmm im in the mood to draw D: but idk what to draw =.=;; and im in the mood to write.......a story...i actually have a pretty good idea....im playing with it a little bit in my head :D not to gonna mention anything from it right now >;D muhahahaha
i guess thats is =/ i want  to write more but i have drawn a blank xD
 
 

,meeeeeh its a boring after noon so why not annoy you people with another post XD
got my text books today X_______X;; that was a major pain in the ass but im looking foward to this fresh new start :3 hopefully i wont let all the shit get me down...again x.x; but yeah :3 i think itll be ok this semester cause i have awsome people standing by me the whole way 
 
anyway yeah x.x tough schedule though lets see
 
on Mondays && Wensdays
Into to sociololgy from 10:00am-10:50am 
then a big 7 hour break and i go to
English 101 from 5:30pm-6:45pm then that switches to the writing workshop from 6:55pm-7:45pm 
O.o; wow.... lol long ass classes eh? just wait
Tuesdays && Thursdays
Reading for Collage Classroom (Reading 030)
3:30pm-4:45 pm  --note that this class in at the downtown campus--
so after this class i have to run my ass to my car and rush to the main campus for
(insert drum roll here)
Intro to Music 
from 5:30pm-8:15pm   again talk about your long  classes?  but im not complaining i can handle the longer classes better things are so fucking crammed in so quick and i have a better time of keeping up :3 but i do wonder what the hell we are going to accomplish in a 3 hour music class? o.o;; though the book did come with a cd.......which had a short version of firebird on it <.< >.> that made me laugh lol anyway yeah 
other then the class update i think thats about it nothing else is really going on
although on saturday im heading to jasons....which i cant wait but i am nervous cause im meeting his sister i beleive ._.;; curse my shy nature lol anyway yeah
hmmm.....i did another good drawing last night ill try to sacn that in as soon as i can x.x i really need to update my DA account >w<;; i havent put anything on it since october xDDD anyway yeah
i guess thats about it today :3

Ok first off this is a story i wrote the inspiration was from a song i was listening to  "the tears i cry" by krypteria  its a sad song but still very pretty

 

no im not going to do anything crazy like the person in my story though it is based off how i feel when chris has treated my so shitty and left me for dead but im not gonna do anything stupid so no worries im done fucking around with him when he is ready to stop dicking around with my emotions ill be here :3 anyway on with the story tell me what you think (be nice please) no rude comments on how much my stories suck and i know my grammer and puncuation suck get ovrer it ...

 

She stood staring out her balcony window with a blank expression, The same one she had been wearing for days now, Clutched tightly in her hands was a letter, "his" letter , the last one he had sent the one with all his lies

A tear escaped her eye and slid ever so slowly down her pale cheek, She felt numb, forgotten, Unwanted and used, A gentle breeze came and blew back a few strands of her dark hair

She was trapped in her mind thinking of the past.. "Their past" was is all a lie then to? All the sweet things he had told her...all the things he had done to gain her trust. and her heart ? Was it all just a cruel joke in the end? even after so many years was it? another tear fell down her cheek

Her heart began to beat harder as she imagined him with ...that other woman, In her mind she had know the truth but her heart.. had refused to let her see what was so plainly in front of her eyes

Images began to flash through her mind , her memories with him Mixed with cruel images her mind made

"Lies.....: she managed to whisper softly, as her grip tightend on the letter, a odd smile spread across her lips as she began to walk towards the very edge of the balcony , her heart beat quicking more and more with each step she too, once at the edge she climbed the rail the only thing that kept her there,

As if to stop her the wind picked up more nearly pushing her back, but only managing to blow her dark hair back from her face revealing the insane glow in her eyes. while her long skirt flew gently behind her,

Stretching out her arms She let out a loud cry,as all the tears she had held back came free, and with one last sob she pushed herself foward falling,

" I ....really did...love you ...more..then you will..even know now..." she said softly as she released his letter and watched as it blew off in the wind and then everything went dark.... she was safe from heartbreak now.....