To the idiot women who work behind the counter of one of the delis on 28th Street between Park and Madison Avenues (I'm sure they read my blog because, well, who doesn't? ):

I understand that midtown delis can be crowded at lunchtime. And I commend you for wanting to do your job efficiently and striving to keep the checkout line moving as quickly as possible.

But no matter how many times you proceed to yell, "Next!" and no matter how many decibels the volume increases, as long as the person in front of me is doing something like putting away their money or wallet, or preparing their coat or jacket for the cold weather outside, I am NOT going to run them over so I can pay you.

Take your "next … Next … NEXT!!!!!!" and shove it up your "ass … Ass … ASS!!!!!!"

Now, if the person is doing something like answering their cell phone or showing someone a picture of their niece, then it's on. This is New York, I'm in a hurry, and I WILL run your ass over.

But as long as the person in front of me is doing something reasonable, I will take my fucking time and let them take their fucking time.

Deal with it.

I like 6th Avenue Electronics. I bought my TV from them, and I've always found their selection to be ample, their salespeople to be helpful and their prices to be reasonable.

But someone in their marketing department needs to go.

While listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio earlier today, I heard an ad for the most useless promotional stunt ever.

In an effort to herd potential customers through its doors like sheep, 6th Avenue Electronics is running a contest with the grand prize of a free HDTV and a party for the winner and 19 friends (or is it enemies?) to watch the mighty New York Jets (1-7 as I type this) take on the powerful Miami Dolphins (0-8).

Are you shitting me? I'd rather watch naked mole rats fuck on Animal Planet than watch this game.

Even better: The 20 victims get to suffer with a New York Jets alumnus (unnamed). This has all kinds of potential. Can Joe Namath come to their house, throw back half a bottle of scotch and fondle a poster of Suzy Kolber? How about inviting Freeman McNeil over and seeing how many times you can poke him in the side until you break one of his ribs? Or having Al Toon and Wayne Chrebet race to the winner's house and see which one completely forgets where he's going first. Or let's see how long it takes the basset hound to sack Ken O'Brien.

And, in the grand finale, if the "winner" manages not to drop dead from all of the excitement, he/she receives four tickets to see the Jets take on the dynasty-like Cleveland Browns. In fairness, Cleveland is playing some decent football, but, seriously, are you shitting me?

So, if you're trying to make sure all of the 6th Avenue Electronics stores are customer-free so you can take inventory, this promotion rocks. But if you're really trying to get people in there to shop, might I suggest calling an actual professional team? Or did P.C. Richards beat you guys to the Giants?

I have found Heaven, and its name is Zeke's Roadhouse.

I was in Miami last weekend with a few friends, visiting two good friends of mine from college and attending the Cowboys-Dolphins game (Cowboys 37, Dolphins 20, HOLLA!). Paradise is located on Lincoln Road in Miami, near South Beach.

Zeke's Roadhouse has several refrigerators stocked with bottles of hard-to-find microbrewed and imported beer, with every single bottle selling for the princely sum of $3.

Plus, if you're fortunate enough to secure an outdoor table, the people-watching on Lincoln Road is just unbelievable.

I don't even know how to start describing all the beautiful women who walked by during the two hours or so that we spent there. Between the Amazon-like six footers who were sizzling hot, the mothers who looked like they started doing one-armed pushups seconds after childbirth and the good, old-fashioned, just plain beautiful women – I mean, wow!

If I lived in the Miami area, Zeke's Roadhouse would be on my agenda a minimum of twice every week. Period. I wish one would open in Hoboken, instead of another bank, nail salon or Chinese restaurant.

I set a personal record Monday in the category of urinating in the most states during a 24-hour period: four.

And I'm very proud of myself!

At the conclusion of a fantastic trip to Miami (more on that in another blog, if I can get to it today), urinal No. 1 was in the airport in Fort Lauderdale. A friend who files for Continental was nice enough to secure buddy passes for my buddy and I, so we flew dirt-cheap, but we flew standby (definitely worth the savings). However, the Fort Lauderdale-Newark pipeline was a crowded one that day, and we were scrambling to get home, which brings us to urinal No. 2.

Urinal No. 2 was in the airport in Cleveland. With the help of some very informative folks behind the Continental counter in Fort Lauderdale, it was determined that we'd have a better shot of getting home by taking a less-crowded flight to Cleveland, then getting on an equally less-crowded flight to Newark. So during our momentous 45-minute stay at the Cleveland airport, when in Cleveland, do as the Clevelanders do.

Urinal No. 3 was at Newark Liberty International Airport, just prior to scrambling for a taxi to get back to Hoboken and near the completion of our journey.

And urinal No. 4 was at Madison Square Garden, during the intermission of a damn good show by Rush, which was the primary reason for all of the scrambling that took place earlier in the day. Other than having a very unfortunate seat location – the view of the stage was great, but we were in the first row above an entrance, so there was no leg room whatsoever – it was a great concert, and I'm stunned that we made it.

And for the record, I have no intentions of trying to break this four-state pee record anytime soon.

I already wrote one blog venting about how bad the subway service has been getting home from Yankee Stadium, but last Wednesday night's experience was stupid enough to merit its own entry.

Once again, the D train ran local down Eighth Avenue. As much as I hate the entire idea, I've grown used to it.

(In game-show-host voice) But that's not all, folks!

The D pulled out of the 59th St. station and, with nothing resembling an announcement, proceeded to continue down the Eighth Avenue line, rather than cutting crosstown toward Sixth Avenue, which is the route it's supposed to take. No one on the train realized it until we pulled into 50th St. and Eighth Avenue, instead of the Seventh Avenue (53rd St.) station.

Making matters even more pathetic, as the D train and its confused passengers were sitting in the 50th St. station, wondering why the hell we were there, the conductor and the motorman held an animated discussion, which everyone could hear, basically admitting that neither one of them knew where the train was going.

"Yo, partner … where we going?" Nice work, fellas.

Long story short, I ended up having to walk from Eighth Avenue and 34th St. to the PATH station on Sixth Avenue and 32nd St. and, naturally, just missed the PATH, resulting in another 25-minute wait.

Great job, MTA, as always. Useless motherfuckers.

I'm recovering from a fantasy-football auction held last night in a very loud outdoor area of a very loud bar. I suggest downtown Kabul if we want more peace and quiet next year.

In any event, I present, my 2007 gridiron warriors: Joba the Heat!

QB Alex Smith, SF, $7 (keeper from last season): I really like the way he came on at the end of the year, and everyone seems to be forecasting good things for the 49ers, so keeping him was a no-brainer.

QB Phillip Rivers, SD, $32: This will mark the fourth year that Rivers has been part of my squad. I had him as insurance for Drew Brees for two seasons, then he was one my starters last year, but I ended up trading him when I fell out of the race. I just like the guy, period. He's efficient, and he keeps the mistakes to a minimum. And when I went over the $30 mark for him, there were no other quarterbacks left that I had any interest in.

QB Tarvaris Jackson, MIN, $1: My backup-QB choice (we start two each week) basically came down to a choice of Jackson or Joey Harrington. I've seen what Harrington can do. I'm not impressed. I don't know what Jackson can do. Maybe he'll surprise me. But at least it's a more interesting pick than Harrington.

RB Willie Parker, PIT, $10 (keeper from last season): Another no-brainer. When you have a legitimate starting running back at a price this low, you hold onto him. And Parker boosted his touchdown total last year, after Jerome Bettis parked his bus in the garage.

RB Marshawn Lynch, BUF, $36: I desperately wanted to come out of last night's auction with either him or the Vikings' rookie RB, Adrian Peterson. I actually think Peterson is the better player, but I think Lynch will do better this season because Buffalo's offense is in a better state than Minnesota's. I think this guy can be a beast, although it will likely take him some time.

RB Marion Barber, DAL, $6 (keeper from last season): Low price, tons of touchdowns last season and a new coaching staff that may not be as in love with Julius Jones as the previous bunch -- yet another no-brainer.

RB Reuben Droughns, NYG, $5: A former 1,000-yard rusher backing up an unproven starter at a low price.

WR Terrell Owens, DAL, $32: This was my most difficult pick. Words cannot explain how much I hate this guy. But I got a top-five WR at a relatively low price and I couldn't pass it up. If there's one pick that could absolutely torpedo my season, it's this one. And it's so hard to root for this guy (I say this as a Dallas fan). Fantasy football is about gambles. Let's see how this one plays out. I feel like I sold my soul to the devil, though. Just call me Joe Hardy.

WR Santana Moss, WAS, $14: A little risky depending on an unproven QB in Jason Campbell, but this guy's a game-breaker and worth the price.

WR Reggie Brown, PHI, $2 (keeper from last year): One more addition to the no-brainer department -- a solid No. 1 receiver on a solid team for $2.

WR Darrell Jackson, SF, $9: He's a little banged up right now, but I'm hoping for the Alex Smith-Darrell Jackson connection to heat up.

TE Todd Heap, BAL, $8: I outsmarted myself with this pick. I was actually hoping to drive up the price for Heap, then grab Antonio Gates later in the auction, but when I bid $8, the silence in the room was deafening. It's not like Heap isn't a solid pick, but I was one of the few people who had the money for Gates and I blew this one.

TE L.J. Smith, PHI, $1: A very solid backup at the cheapest possible price.

K Josh Scobee, JAX, $1: I don't get excited about kickers, but the Jaguars are a solid team who will probably move the ball. But can David Garrard get them into the end zone? If he does, I'll rack up the extra points. If not, bring on the field-goal unit.

K Ryan Longwell, MIN, $1: Solid kicker playing his home games indoors.

D San Diego, $8: Sacks, sacks, sacks, sacks, sacks and more sacks.

D Jacksonville, $3: I will probably only use them on the Chargers' bye week, but a solid defense.