The other day, Marcus said that everything about me was weird, and at first, I didn't know how to take it.  He said I smell weird... what the fuck does that mean???  I take twenty-minute showers, dammit!!  I love being in warm water, that's where I do a lot of my thinking.

I have a lot to blog about, like, well, my dad's sister's husband's (uncle by marriage) funeral, that I was told about a week ago, with no certainty of when the funeral was actually to occur... 

I want to blog about friends who don't just tell me whatever it is the fuck they want to tell me.  That's so annoying, but I'm not going to give it anymore attention.  I just kinda don't care anymore.

It's time for me to give more attention to me, rather than to all these other people who I ultimately allow to suck the life out of me.  I'm OVER it.  LoL.

I wrote a song... I'm about to go practice it.  Thank God for "wake 'n bakes."

Latas

I keep staring at the empty white box where I'm supposed to input the text, thinking, but not typing. 

Anyway, as much as I loved being away, I'm happy to be home again in my own space and environment.  Thanksgiving was... well, I wouldn't know, I was out of here no more than three hours after I finished cooking, probably less.  Marcus and I had a Sunset to catch, and people/obstacles kept popping up. 

It's always a race to the Coast, the Malibu Coast, to get an unobstructed view of the Sunset.  We went flying down the Santa Monica Freeway, racing the birds that were gliding in the wind.  Just when we reached the beginning of the ending of the freeway, the birds parted, as if like the Red Sea, or as if to open the doors to my "Long and Winding Road," the ending of the freeway, but the beginning of our dance, and the part when my hips get to "Sway."  Baht Baht Baht Baaahh Dah Dah...

We made it in time for the parade of Set.  The Earth swallowed up the Sun, but as the Sun slipped between the clouds, it did not just fade away in darkness, but rather, graciously accepted defeat by leaving its lush warm colors of orange and of the softest fuchsia pink, like that of the evening primrose, written across the lightest of the dark blue sky.

We stopped for a moment to stretch our legs, then we made our way up the 23.  ;-)  I definitely felt like a cowgirl riding a steel horse.  There were so many twists and turns, and the were lit only by the single light of the bike.  I like Marcus just likes how I roll my hips.  LoL. 

I thought of something the other day, he's the only one in my Memoirs that I actually acknowledge by his own name.  I guess it means something.  I understand why a woman is supposed to marry a man similar to her father... Marcus and my dad are, well, sometimes I think they like each other more than they like me.  LoL.

Anyway, Marcus took me to a hockey game, the L.A. Kings were playing, the won in after an over time and a shootout against the BlackHawks...  I think that's the name of the other team.  We're supposed to go to another game next month.  It was cool, literally and figuratively, we had seats high above the rink.

The best part about the hockey game was the shooting star we saw on the way there.  It felt close enough for me to reach out and grab, and just as I pointed it out to him, the meteorite burned itself into non-existence right before our eyes.  Don't worry about it, it's "Magical," I've already written the music for it.  ;-)

Anyway, now I'm back home and my dad is re-creating music... BLAH.  Not that I dislike the recreation part, I'm just tired of hearing "I love youuu... over and over again...  I think there's a new song every week, all week, and he does every single instrument in the song, plus background vocals... all of them.  LoL.  I'm supposed to help, but I'll only help if he helps me with some of my new creations.

Actually, he played a song that he did, I think I was fourteen or something, and I was announcing "attention all passengers, flight two forty-seven is now boarding," or something of the sort.  Then he started playing stuff from a couple of years ago, that I came up with on the spot (who doesn't like messing around with recording themselves?), and that he added instumental tracks to.  LoL.  It didn't sound half bad.  I even suprised myself, sometimes I just feel like I don't have it in me, I'm glad that my dad knows that I really do.

Okay, so now I'm tired of typing.  I haven't been sleeping much and I'm bleeding from both ends, never a good thing.  If I could somehow just get people to donate blood...

Latas.

Oh my God, fighting off depression seems to be the most difficult thing, especially when I'm off the Prozac.  Sometimes I feel so restless, like I'm never accomplishing anything, or as if I'm moving so slowly, that I'm not moving at all.  I don't even leave the house on most days, and I know that's a HUGE part of it.

My life is not totally a waste...  I'm just a thinker.  My mind is overly productive, the problem is getting the people I need to help me with the practical part.  I am starting my own business, even helped a friend start her own.  She can start a business immediately, it doesn't cost that much.  I, on the other hand, feel like my whole business journal needs to be filled before I start anything, even though, I really want to start the business right this second.  I get a ton of magazines so I write in the journal as often as I can, even if it's only one phrase or idea.  I even write down things I want to research... I've come to realize that writing it down will be the most instrumental element because now my ideas are not lost to me. 

I take notes... it's easy.  I remember this past summer taking that eight am Math class, and I recall the instructor looking specifically at me one day and saying that I was going to run my own business, so pay attention, or something to that affect.  I remember thinking to myself that I didn't want to run a business because I don't even like business, that's why I don't have a job.  LoL.  How much have I changed since this summer?? 

I honestly questioned why his statement was directed at me, but if I'm allowed to toot my own horn, I'll tell you.  I sat up front (not first seat, maybe second or third), I isolated myself from distraction when it was time to take the test, and I took good notes... in pen.  I'm finally learning about myself.  I knew that I was never going to pass that class if I didn't take better notes than I had the previous times I'd taken it.  Instead of just writing numbers and symbols, I actually wrote down (in my own words) the steps I needed to take to get the desired answer.  By the last two days of class, other people were using my notes.  The last part of the test was me being able to teach someone else how to solve the problems.  I did that...

I'm okay, I smoked a bowl, it really is how I deal with my depression.  And before I go, I have to say that the two people who got busted for growing marijuana in the kid's room should not be a negative reflection on the marijuana, but rather, on the ignorant people that society has spawned... what are the odds that their child will be ignorant too?  I'm just saying...  Don't be misinformed.

Anyway, writing it out has made me feel better, I guess, given me patience for a few more days, but only a few.  I've already said that I was going to have to accept that I move slower than I want to.  BLAH.

I'm out.

Sometimes I worry.  I'm not sure why, I think the thing that I keep forgetting about me is that I'm not in competition with anyone except for me.  As a Gemini, I want things to move so quickly, but things are exactly the opposite.  I blame the Cancer.  I move sooo slowly, all of the time, but I think I'm finally starting to embrace that.  I don't have to go out for things, they just come to me, it's as if all I have to do is write it in a blog or a song, or draw it even, and they just come to me.  If only... right???  I LOVE my life.  LoL.

I don't have a lot of patience, although, I'm a very patient person.  Often times, everything about me is a complete contradiction of itself.  The torture.  I don't get excited by much, that could be a problem.  Sometimes I just feel like what's the point?

Anyway, I initially wanted to write to say that a friend that I haven't seen in a decade, or so, found me on FaceBook.  How happy am I about that?  Very!  We had good times, she was the one who got me into hair... we were definitely two peas in a pod.  LoL.  We were talking about how we enrolled her into a different high school without anyone knowing.  She used to make me say something, I can't remember, whenever someone would say my name.  She was the new girl that nobody liked because she had a grown woman body in the eleventh grade, but I think that's the standard now.

In the summers we would swim in the apartment pool until the sun went down.  We all had glass patio doors, instead of wooden doors, as the entrances into our Coronado spaces.  We got into so much trouble, I won't say what, just that none of it got us arrested.  :-)  Although, there was this one time when the cops came, it was Senior Ditch Day... we burned some popcorn and played some loud music.

I remember when I moved, and she somehow ended up living with me, we would have grammar lessons, but only because she was from the South and she got tired of Californians asking her where she was from.  "Put the oil in the foil and boil it.  And the best part, when life comes full circle, was her telling me how someone teased one of her sons for saying "foil," with his accent, and she thought of me and shared my lesson.

Sometimes I think people are lost to me, and this is one of the friends that I always kick myself for forgetting.  I was telling her all of my drama, and she said the kindest words, she said "you have always been the kind of person who really takes care of your friends, when they're your friends."  That made me feel all warm inside.  LoL.  She is definitely someone that I'm happy to have back in my life...

I'm just counting up my people... that's all.

I feel like there are some things that I need to get off of my chest, my back really.  I'm always trying to take care of somebody, more than I take care of me.  If my time is free, I'm supposed to lend it to someone who is busy, and likely, if my money is free, I'm supposed to lend it to someone who has none. 

Anyway, I don't want to weep for the world today, I'll do it when I put my face on so I can remember to not cry...

The BF bought me a new leather riding jacket... I sleep with it in my bed.  LoL.  It's soft, and pink, of course, with lots of pockets for me to stash things, but I still carry my purse.  When I tried it on in the store, I had no intention whatsoever of taking it off, in fact, the sales guy had to cut the tags from my wrists.  "What makes you think you fly enough to take my man?" belted Mariah Carey as I exited the store with eyes glowing.

I would give more specific information about the jacket, but all of the tags were left in his backpack... with him.  I know it's a FirstGear, that's on the label, it has vents, shoulder pads that can be removed...  He took the pads out and I had to put them back in, I felt like I was suiting up for something. 

I can see the jacket adorned with my company logo... free advertising for when I'm on the back of the bike with the BF, sailing through the sea of sad faces and flashing red lights.  Maybe they should listen to Beyonce, I like the part when she says "tell me somethin', where yo' boss at? Where all my Divas who like to talk back... what she say?  Not to me!  She ain't no Diva!"  LoL. 

Since my laptop crashed, I have nooooooo music, my Zune died out just before I moved here, I need new music!  I like getting my music from Ashlie, she always seems to know what I like listening to, people don't know that "The High Killer" is a complete opera... but that's between you and I.  ;-)

The new year is fast approaching, I don't really make resolutions, I just start putting time limits on everything because the point is to start anew.  This year I decided that the part of my journey to find out who my friends are, would be over when the new year gets here, but really I think deep down, I know who my friends are, I don't have to put time limits for them to prove themselves to me... time has already done that.

The way I see it is, when it comes time for those who know the real me, to stand up for me, they will.  Tanesha's dumbass even called me by my middle name the other day.  I'm learning that my real friends are not the people who know my name, but rather, the people who know my character.

Uh huh... I'm out.

PEACERS

...my life wasn't the Cosby's... I don't know anyone whose life was even remotely similar to the Cosby's.  I'm just saying, I wanted to go to college...  It's a show that stands out from the '80s.  I can barely even remember the '80s.  I keep telling myself that I blocked it out for a reason.

Honestly, I still remember a dream that I used to have.  There was complete darkness, and I was lost.  I would see monsters all around me, and then I would pray to Jesus, and he would save me.

Now, I'm not sure when it switched from Jesus to fairies, but thinking of myself as a descendant of Scottish Colliers gives the feeling of having some sort of sense of myself... does that make sense?  I don't feel so far out there.

I've decided that I am not going to go crazy with the research because I would never get any sleep.  I'm trying to think of obscure questions to follow, but at the moment, I can't think of any.  I like reading the mythologies that parallel the time periods, because usually, the story lives on by turning it into a myth.

I'm still on my crusade, this isn't new, sometimes I just have to give myself a break.  I think, I think too much and if I don't remind myself to stop thinking, I won't.  Some may wonder why one would want to stop thinking.  I, personally, lose sleep behind thinking too much.  Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode, and on top of that, people get upset because I don't remember names, but really, it is only because there is no room in my head for them.  I feel like I'm in a constant daze and everyone is moving slowly around me, the words that come out of their mouths sound like "blah, blah, blah," and I look for someone who speaks my language, but... there is no one.

That sounds like the same dream, except now it isn't a dream, it's a feeling.  I'm always interested in seeing what happens next, I believe that my eyes are wide open and I'm seeing the world again for the first time.

I think my brain wants to rest.

Peacers

...I'm blogging.  I have really been on a mission for the last couple of days.  After I gave more thought to the Fort Hood incident the other night, I felt like I had way too many unanswered questions.  For starters, why do I not know who I am?  What is up with that?  I could blame it on my parents, who could blame it on their parents, and so on, however, a better way of resolving it for me is to wonder why they stopped telling us who we are.

Anyway, when my mother brought up the Fort Hood incident, I asked her how it made her feel.  Her response agitated the hell out of me... she said that she did not feel anything.  "WHAT?!  Are you kidding me?"  I roused.  How could she not feel anything?  Is it just her, or have we all somehow become anesthetized, to the madness in the World?  I really don't get it.

I cannot quite remember the question I asked my father when he mentioned that our last name has anglo-saxon roots.  "WHAT?!"  I exclaimed as I looked at him with inquisition.  I was just curious to know why I have just assumed for all of this time that I herald from Africa?  Is it because I'm "African American?" 

Okay. :-/  I am a "research it" kind of girl, so at my first opportunity, I searched the origin of my last name.  I am truly amazed at all of my findings.  Every time I discover something, another question, like a bubble, bursts into my head.  I find that I am the decendant of Scottish Colliers.  "Wait, what, for real?" I contemplated, as I began to read a few of the stories of people in history who share my father's last name.  First, let me say Scotland, on a map, in nowhere near Africa, they are not even on the same continent. 

I read the story of a man named Thomas describing how his family unbeknowingly became indentured servants.   Endentured servitude=slavery.  The story goes that he and his family, and his family before him, and so on, worked in coal mines.  This was in the mid to late seventeen hundreds.  From what I can decipher, the Colliers were of a lesser class than the Aristocrats, but of higher class than the Peasants.  But as I further researched, I also discovered that as the middle class, the Colliers could be as wealthy as, or even wealthier, than the Aristocrats, or as poor as, or even poorer than, the Peasants.

The story of his family is that they began as "free" coaliers, meaning that they (he and his fathers before him), primarily mined coal for one master.  Their Master told them to come to his house once a year to help him celebrate his birthday, and when the economy was unfortunate, they could work wherever they needed, to best feed their families.  That was the agreement.  

Over time, the economy changed and the Colliers would have to leave their Master's place to find work elsewhere, if they wanted to survive.  When the economy dropped so low, Thomas and his family moved to a community with other coaliers in like situations.  The community was not as nice as they were once accustomed to, being described as dingy.  They made their clother from trees.  :-D

The slavery part of it began when the coaliers were offered payment in advance for one year's worth of service.  This was some sort of new agreement with employers other than the one who was the original agreed upon master.  The only problem for the coaliers is that the economy had never seemed to improve, and they found themselves borrowing more money, in advance, from their new employers, all while, the employers began to treat the coaliers less, and less fair.

The coaliers decided that they were not going to stand for being treated like less than their worth, especially when they were doing all of the work.  They formed unions to help protect each other from the new masters.

Eventually, the old master came back to commission work from his "servants," and heard that they had been treated badly.  The old master was displeased upon hearing this, and so presented his documentation of ownership when the new masters attempted to sue the coaliers for diligence in court.  The coaliers won their freedom because the original master had kept sufficient enough documentation stating that the coaliers were still his servants, he had not released them, and therefore, the coaliers were bound to him, making the new agreement void. 


There was mention of something that appeared to be a forged signature, and a wedding... raised my eyebrow.  It was truly inspiring to read the story of one of my ancestors.  I found out that there's a family crest.  The thought of it makes me smile, now I don't feel so alone... I'm still pondering it.  There were/are two family crests... one heralding from the English and the other from the German.  I haven't figured out how Scotland fits in quite yet, but I guess I'll have to go further back in time.  The fact that there are two crests, and that shotgun wedding (is what I like to call it), suggests that there was some type of feud that caused a division... something went wrong with the documentation of the wedding, so there was something that was being hidden.  It's an interesting story, I'm not done with it yet.

I feel like not enough of us know our history, and not enough of us know how to read.  This society is just dumb enough for domintation.  It is up to us (the people) to take it back before it is too late. 

I hear so many people complain about the ecomony, but when I look at the statistics of Disney's financial growth and see that they are banking one hundred percent of the oncosts plus some, I wonder how bad the economy is really.  I mean, they set little Miley up to make some money, plus some, but they use her to deliver their message.  She doesn't even know it... adults want to be sixteen?  We are saturated with all of the teenagery BS because... why?  Because she's just the imagry needed to satisfy the whole family... wholesomeness. 

That's all great and all, but should the emphasis not be placed more upon the parenting, like with "the Cosby's?"  Was that not a wholesome show?  This is about television instilling in our children, for us, because we are either too busy working to pay off debt or other, to be the emphasis on what is important. 

As a mother, I hope for my child to be able to take care of himself when he is away from me.  I hope that he can make his own decisions and decipher between what is correct and what is incorrect.  I'm finding that his generation is in for it, they can't even read enough to know what is happening to them, but it isn't their fault, some of us forgot to not rely on television to raise our children and now the emphasis is on text messaging... a new breed of illiterate, the new race of slaves, and I'll be damned, if I let my child become a slave... he is far too good for that.

I don't have anything against Africans, but my people didn't come from Africa, that's just what we were told, so that is what we believe... still. 

Anyway, my mission is to affect the world, even if only one person at a time. 

There's more, but I haven't been sleeping, soo...

PEACERS

I had such a long day today, really, it started yesterday.  I woke up especially early so that I could hang out with my BF.  He said he was going to pick me up around noon or one, but I should have known better, he always has a plan.

I spent the morning getting ready.  I washed my hair, shaved my legs, etc., so that we could try to experience sensuality, it's different than sexuality.  After I got ready, I tried to stay as calm as I possibly could... I don't like waiting, and I don't like to be late.  He had business to take care of, so I tried to not kill the battery on his phone by calling him to tell him how annoyed I was, rather, I just was assured in knowing that he has a plan.  That makes me comfortable. 

Anyway, by the time he got here, it was almost sunset.  YaY!!  We went for a ride on the bike, in traffic.  I have a playlist that I listen to, I love it!  I never really paid much attention to Kanye West, I just kinda listen to him, but when I'm in traffic, I listen.  The lights of the candy-striped road flickered as we sky-rocketed our way through, and I was so entranced that I almost forgot to look at the sky.  The sky was a warm, not too flashy, not too mute, pink, that matched the color of my choice, low-cut hiking boots. 

I don't want to give all of it away, but it all was just for me.  I like when traffic is slow and then Beyonce comes on singing "Green Light," and then suddenly traffic clears the way for us to "Go! Go! Go!"  My "Moto" playlist helps program, or rather, re-program, the way I think.

I had a great night, but when I awoke this morning, life had changed a little more, and things felt a little more personal.  I happened to see the news today of all days to watch, and there's a massacre at Ft. Hood.  I don't know why after I've written my words about not being afraid or scared, there has to be a massacre in a place that would shout its name out to me.  I'm not here for play, it's on me to change the world... Kanye, "Stronger."  Sounds like they're calling me out.  I felt emotional.  I felt overwhelmed with anger, despair, sorrow, and fear for what's to come.  People are not prepared, not mentally, not phyiscally. 

I have to do something.  "I'm doing a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY,"  sings Ludacris.  If I'm going to be the one who leads the revolt, then I have to be strong, and fearless.  I can't worry about what people will say of me, I've already deduced that that will kill me the fastest.  I have a mission to re-write, or add-on, to the new  "Revisionist History." --Aaron Joseph Hopson.  If we want the world to know what our time is like right now, then we have to document it right now.  Am I the only one who gets that?  Everyone needs to get it through their think ass skulls that the fight is not over.  The saying goes "it's always darkest before dawn," we have yet to see the dark, why do we think we're entitled to dawn?  And anyway, the book is not going to write itself.  ;-)

If I've ever had anything I have always had a plan... now it's time to work on execution.  I got this.  This is the biggest challenge yet... I'm so up for it.

I'm out for now, I haven't slept.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I wake up tomorrow, if I even wake up at all.  I don't know where my head is right now, I feel manic, but I know for sure that I'm ready to disappear.  "Poof." and I'm out. 

I swear I have dreams of living where no person can find me, except for my son.  I just want my own private utopia.  I don't like people.  LoL.  I would like for instead of my place without people being in my head, I would like it to be in my reality.  I just need some place that I can go to, to escape the World.   

I have to keep telling myself to take deep breaths.  I get so caught up in it that I forget to breathe.  I don't worry... it makes my hair fall out and my nose bleed.  I'm tired of that.  I want to go to my private sanctuary where no person causes me stress.  Stress will kill me. 

On an unrelated note, I can feel my brain functioning.  I don't really care if people think I'm crazy, opinions don't matter to me anymore.  People are pissed off.  LoL.  SAY WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOTTA SAY!!!  ...say it loud, and to my face...  It's really that simple, if it isn't important enough for you to discuss with me, then it isn't important enough for me to discuss with you.  I'm not going to allow myself to get caught up on the emotional bullshit anymore. 

ONE muthafuckin' person out of many asked me about my health, we haven't spoken in six years or so.  I was touched, because when I'm at the hospital, half of the time, nobody even knows.  I don't tell anybody usually.  I don't want attachments... I want people who know me enough, to know that I can take care of myself, but will call every hospital to find me, when they haven't heard from me.

I'm not insincere, wish some people could look at it from my perspective, but I'm okay with the person that I am... whoever has a problem with it, has the problem, not me.  If I've tried to give you an apology, but you won't even speak to me to accept it, then well, I'm supposed to do... what? 

I'm getting so sick of people thinking that I don't care because I don't ask how they're doing, or how they're kids are doing... if you want me to know, JUST FUCKING TELL ME... don't wait for me to ask.  When I want you to know what's going on with me, I tell you... I blog about it, I call you up, respond to a photo, leave a comment, send an email, write you a song, YouTube a video about it, if I had a car I'd probably show up at your door.... just because I'm not talking about what you want to hear right now, doesn't mean that I won't ever. 

I bounce back and forth, it's confusing to me.  I was in the place that I write about in my blogs, between the Sun and the Moon... so fuck everybody who has a problem with me.  Take me or leave me the fuck alone, it's really that simple.  A good portion of my alters don't care.  LoL.  WE DON'T CARE!!  I find myself trying to edit them sometimes. 

I was between the Sun and the Moon, bouncing back and forth between them, one a place of extreme warmth and the other cold, and not in my mind or manner, in my reality.  That was HUGE to me.  It was truly breathtaking, I was happy that I had my BF, and Jill Scott singing "Breathe," reminding that I actually had forgotten to breathe... I really do forget to breathe sometimes... that will kill you too, they call that one "cardio arrest... heart attack."

I could have been travelling through time for all anybody knows...  LoL.  The pictures that I took of me, with myself, in a mirror, are lost on a non-working hard drive, and now I'm living in the picture that once hung on my bedroom wall.  I'm starting to feel like since my dreams are becoming reality, working in my sleep is the right idea.  I don't know how long this will last, but I fully intend on enjoying every moment, if people around me don't want to figure out how to enjoy it with me... then, BYE!!!  LoL.  Seriously.

I don't think I will be holding my breath anymore... other people shouldn't either.  Either enjoy it for what it is, or don't enjoy it at all... it's a choice.  I had such a good weekend, that I have to ease myself back into communication.  LoL. 

I'm out.

I'm in a good place.  People keep getting mad at me because I keep trying to tell them that Heaven is on Earth.  I was losing a friend because she thought I was getting too preachy.   Yes, I get that sometimes, but I can't care about that.  Many people close to me are getting too caught up in the way the message is delivered, rather than just listening to the message.

I had it out with Trina, but we're both glad we had it out... that's how we know we're good friends.  We talk about what's bothering us about the relationship we have.  She is the most thoughtful person, she wrote down a list of things that was bothering her about the friendship.  That let me know that she cares about it too, makes me feel like she's in my corner, because she knows I'm in hers. 

It was dramatic, but I don't mind... we just cleared the way for us to have an even longer friendship.  I'm happy that we're growing together, rather than growing apart.  I'm happy about that.  She called me out.  I'm happy that she's keeping it real with me, and allowing me to keep it real with her.  We're "Road Dawgs," my son calls her "Aunt."

Anyway, I hadn't intended on blogging today, but since I am, I'll give you further proof of Heaven being on Earth.  My parents think that I'm crazy because I tell them that the birds communicate with me.  Well, yesterday after I finished blogging, I went outside and sat on the deck, eating a bowl of cereal, and a white dove flew overhead.

Now, I had started painting an image for my company last week, and I had left the background yellow.  I leave the paintings outside... some finches perched themselves on the railing to show me their orange feathers, as if to suggest that's the color missing from the picture.  I had been waiting on the BF to take me to get an unobstructed view of the Sunset, before I painted in the orange. 

I need to see color... the birds somehow know that.  I just think that even the birds are in my corner, and that feels like Heaven.

I'm enjoying my life, and I'm not going to worry about the rest.  For once, I am worried about seeing myself succeed, and not focusing as much attention on whether or not other people succeed.  This feels good to me.  We can all work together or we don't have to...  "I reach for the Stars, not for just what is right in front of me."  Quote me.

Latas.

What did I do for Halloween... wouldn't everyone like to know??  Not really?  Well, I didn't take pictures, and I didn't dress up... well, mostly, I was normal.  I went out for a ride on the bike with my BF, and we had a good time.  I'm glad he discouraged the wings this year.  I think this was the best Halloween ever.  LoL.  I don't need anything extra to remember the occasion.  And besides, the wings are already tattooed on my back.  ;-)

I feel like a fairy who's finally getting the opportunity to fly.  Y'all don't understand that this is what I was born to do, take "this" as whatever you want, but specifically, "flying." 

I mean, besides being on the back of the bike, zooming down the highway... which is in itself exhilarating, we had an aviation, "Fly Like A Bird" filled weekend.  On Saturday, we went to the model airplane park.  Seriously, the guy flying this one helicopter was ridiculous.  These were not like miniature model planes that you get from Radio Shack... just YouTube, or google or something...  STILL a girl and was only interested in it for about five minutes, but seeing it Live was definitely better than watching it on the internet.

We rode the curves between the Sun and the Moon.  I kept trying to see them both in the sky together, without having to look to either my left or my right.  It was as if the colors of day and night shared the same canvas, but not really at the same time, an optical illusion of sort... and I was in the middle.  I felt like we were on a mission, chasing the Sunset... I'm content with not catching it for a while.

By the end of the day, I was soooo exhausted that I thought to myself that I would probably benefit myself if I start doing Yoga on the Wii again.  My body was in so much pain.  I think I was asleep by ten thirty.

The next day, which I hadn't planned on, was just as great.  I went on one of my impulsive shopping sprees at Wal-Mart, but at least now I know that Kimora Lee Simmons does affordable.  She should pay me for that... and Wal-Mart too...

Anyway, we went to Santa Paula to an Airplane Museum.  I can see myself flying a plane.  LoL.  Amelia Earhart did...  My BF/tour guide was trying to tell me all of the intersting facts about the airplanes, but that part is difficult for me to grasp, I enjoy them for different reasons.  I don't have anything to relate the facts to, so they kinda go in one ear and out the other, however, I think I'm suppose to remember about the Piper.  :-) 

After the museum, we drove on a rode where I saw the Easth rise above the Sky, and they met right above the water.  It was the most beautiful thing ever.  I didn't take any pictures, so you'll just have to take my word for it.  ;-) 

Then we drove down the coast of Malibu, making our way back to my house.  We watched Zombieland online, but I somehow think he'd already seen it without me.  It's cool though, I was falling asleep.  It reminded me too much of my dream about the Valley of the Dead, even thought I heard a little bit of "Random Monday" in there, but it could just be my imagination...  I write this shit in my sleep, so I've decided to change the what on my to do list from writer, because I'm alredy that, to publiser... props to Stephanie Hicks, she has the right idea. 

I know who I am... I'm a businesswoman, I mean, if Miley Cyrus can do it...

Anyway, I'm tired... and bleeding, soooo...  I think I'm going to put on some movies and sleep for the rest of the day.  I can work in my sleep... I'm kick ass like that. 

Today I had an interesting conversation with one of my closest friends.  I was slightly disappointed to find out that she has no ambition whatsoever.  When I think about my future, I try to figure out how she'll fit in, maybe she won't.  This isn't one of my "friends," she's more like a family member, my son calls her "aunt."  I understand the Valley of the Dead now.  I love when my dreams become more clear to me.

I tried to be social today, my comp wasn't having it... sometimes I still don't know how I've come to be the Hermit, and coming out of it is ever so challenging.  I have no clue as to what to say to anybody anymore.  I live at home, and I barely even speak to the people that live here.  I'm just always in my head, and mostly I don't care for small talk.

I'm trying to reconnect with people, and I'm finding that I have to be the one who makes all of the effort.  I'm a little upset by that because no one goes out of their way to check on me.  Relationships take two people, yet I always seem to be carrying the weight.  Every time I relocate, I make new friends, sometimes I even bring along one or two of the old friends, but this time I'm thinking to myself that I should probably just let it all go.  I cry because I feel like I'm reaching out to people to help me figure out who I am, but really it just feels like I'm reaching into air.

I spend my days alone, even more so than I did when I lived in Long Beach.  I think I'm getting used to it, I complain less, I write in my business journal whenever I get new ideas, and since I'm not giving them away to other people...

I just keep telling myself that this is a phase, it has to be, because it's all new to me.  I'm content with thinking of all the possibilities life has to offer me, this isn't new, but I suppose it's been dormant in me for a while.  At this point, my dreams are so grandiose that they keep me awake at night.  I'm really just not sure how the people that I know, and am trying to reconnect with, fit in... maybe this is one I have to go alone.  I'm okay with that... most of the time.

I just feel extremely conflicted right now.  At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision about what I want.  I know what I don't want... I don't want to chase people around trying to get them to be on my team.  THAT AIN'T GON' HAPPEN.  I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone's negative energy, and I don't want to always have to be the first one to reach out.  I really think forgiveness is lost... seems like I'm the only one who knows what it means.  I know that can't be true, but it feels that way.

This situation that I'm in makes me miss P.  He truly cared about my well-being.  I could always count on him with his old-man wisdom for advice that would help me along with my sanity, even when he was giving me advice about my feelings for him.  LoL.  He just always made sure that I was okay, that's what I loved about him.  Sometimes I wish I could go back into time...

Anyway, I feel like I'm wallowing.  I'm always on some emotional roller coaster, it's actually called a biorhythm, but some times I feel like I linger at the bottom for a little longer than what is called for. 

All I need is me, and the belief that I can do anything... which I can, so I'm not going to waste much more time trying to figure out who's going to be a part of my life, the future will let me know when it gets here.

Latas.

Because I'm attempting to get my son's mind college bound and oriented for business, I have to make my mind the same way, because I lead by example.

I've had such a long run at LBCC, beginning from the time my son was ten months old, he's going to be sixteen next month.  We used to call him the community baby because all of my friends would watch him while I went to class, taking Business Law and Human Sexuality... remember that Christina???  Trina too.  LoL.  Trina and I would stay on the bus and head straight to the mall on some days.

Going to school and raising a child at the same time has been difficult, but I've managed.  Mostly, he's a good kid, he canread... so I'm proud of that, but I want him to leave his name on the world in a positive way, so that others may read about him even when he is gone.  Going to school, getting an education, and being intelligent are all things that are important to me... okay well, I don't really like school, but having paper means making paper.

I have a plan, it just gets modified a lot.  Let's just say it like this:  Which one of our favorite American composer's was a D average student?  And I'm not even that, although, that's the only grade I could ever seem to get in musicianship.  LoL.

Anyway, I'm still in the process, it's sloooooooooooowwwwww... it's been sixteen years in the making, and I still have more to do.  BUT I only have one more semester at LBCC!!  Yes, I will be complete... for real, for real, and moving on.  I'm SOOOOOOOO happy!  LoL.  I wonder if I can walk again??????

I will be one year into University life by the time my son gets there... that's all the time I need to make it look fun.  LoL.  Plus I need to go network.  ;-)

The point of this whole thing was because I was viewing my "unofficial transcripts," and it thought about how my grades mirrored my life.  Starting with young mother, when P left, and until now.  There's one more chapter.  I want EVERYONE to know about me, so here are my stats (with commentary... this goes out to my LBCC lifers.  ;-} ):



Unofficial Transcript
 
 
Long Beach City College
 
4901 East Carson Street
 
Long Beach, CA 90808
 
United States
 
Name      :  Shalena Hood
 
Student ID: 
 
Birthdate :  1976-06-21
 
Print Date   :  2009-10-26
 
                  - - - - -   Academic Program History   - - - - -
 
Program     :  Undergraduate
 
               1984-01-01 : Undecided Plan Concentration  (What?)
 

 
              - - - - -   Beginning of Undergraduate Record   - - - - -
 
                                      1994 Fall
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                         0.00 W (writing the new history)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
INDIS      10       Human Sexuality                   3.00     0.00 F (can you believe it??)
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
LAW        18A      Business Law                               0.00 W (this would've been useful)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000 (didn't try hard enough)
 

 
                                     1996 Spring
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                3.00     0.00 F (I guess I still didn't like it)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 (still not trying hard enough)
 

 
                                      1996 Fall
 
ENGL        1       Read & Composition                         0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH      110       1St Course Algebra                         0.00 W
 
PSYCH       1       Intro To Psychology               3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 ("Just raise the baby." Decided to go to cosmetology school)
 
                    Progress Probation 1
 

 
                                      2002 Fall
 
MUSIC       7AB     Elementary Voice                  2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      51A      Beginning Piano 1                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      84AD     Commercial Songwrit               2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      97AD     Tools Music Trade                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      8.50     8.50         34.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.957      CUM  TOTALS :     11.50     8.50         34.000 (and voila! I have work to do)
 
                    Progress Probation 2
 

 
                                     2003 Spring
 
COUNS       1       ORIENT FOR COLL SUC                        0.50 CR
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
HIST       10       HIST/EARLY AMERICA                3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (lazy, slacker... just some keywords)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G1
 
HLED        2       INTRO TO HEALTH ED                2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
MUSIC       1       MUSIC THEORY                      3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     MUSICIANSHIP 1                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000 Musicianshit.
 
MUSIC       8AD     ADVANCED VOICE                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC VIKING CHORALE               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      17AD     APPLIED MUSIC                     1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
MUSIC      51B      BEGINNING PIANO 2                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     DANCE AEROBICS                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     3.212      TERM TOTALS :     16.50    17.00         53.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.107      CUM  TOTALS :     28.00    25.50         87.000 (Look at my GPA now!!! LoL.)
 

 
                                     2003 Summer
 
PSYCH      10       HUMAN SEXUALITY                   3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted) (I even repeat classes in the summer. :-/)
 
SP         10       ELEM/PUBLIC SPEAKIN               3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A1
 
SP         60       ARGUMENT & DEBATE                 3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (one slacker class per semester)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : X2
 
         TERM GPA :     2.667      TERM TOTALS :      9.00     9.00         24.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.000      CUM  TOTALS :     37.00    34.50        111.000
 

 
                                      2003 Fall
 
LEARN      11       College Learnig Skill Workshop             2.00 CR
 
MUSIC       2       Music Theory                      3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
MUSIC       8AD     Advanced Voice                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
POLSC       1       Introduction to Government        3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G2
 
PSYCH       1       Introduction to Psychology        3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.833      TERM TOTALS :     18.00    20.00         51.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.945      CUM  TOTALS :     55.00    54.50        162.000 (WHO??? takes NINE classes in one semester????)
 

 
                                     2004 Spring
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra                      0.00 W (I had to slow it down)
 
MUSIC       4       Music Theory 3                    3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     Musicianship                      2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
SPAN        1       Elementary Spanish                5.00     5.00 A       20.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
         TERM GPA :     3.857      TERM TOTALS :     14.00    14.00         54.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.130      CUM  TOTALS :     69.00    68.50        216.000
 
                    Dean's Distinction (...it was ALL worth it. :-))
 

 
                                     2004 Summer
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra             4.00     4.00 B       12.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
         TERM GPA :     3.000      TERM TOTALS :      6.00     6.00         18.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.120      CUM  TOTALS :     75.00    74.50        234.000
 

 
                                      2004 Fall
 
ENGL      105       Fundamentals of Writing           4.00     4.00 A       16.000
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra                       0.00 W (I REALLY don't like math...)
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30A      Music Hist Antiquty to 1800       3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      40       Appreciation of Music             3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
SOCIO       1       Introduction to Sociology         3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D0
 
         TERM GPA :     3.235      TERM TOTALS :     17.00    17.00         55.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.141      CUM  TOTALS :     92.00    91.50        289.000
 

 
                                     2005 Spring
 
ANTHR      10       Magic, Witchcraft and Religion    3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D1
 
BIO        41       Contemprary Biology               3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B2
 
BIO        41L      Contemporary Biology Lab          1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B3
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition                      0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30B      Music History and  Literature     3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 C        2.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000 (ELEVEN COURSES!!! My ass is psycho...  LoL)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.800      TERM TOTALS :     15.00    15.00         42.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.093      CUM  TOTALS :    107.00   106.50        331.000 (Oh yeah... I graduated)
 

 
                                     2005 Summer
 
CBIS      206A      Navigating the Internet           1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.102      CUM  TOTALS :    108.00   107.50        335.000
 

 
                                      2005 Fall
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra              4.00     4.00 C        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     0.00 A
 
     Repeated     : 03 Illegal Repeat (Grade/Units Denied)
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      21AD     LBCC Viking Women's Choir         1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     2.727      TERM TOTALS :     11.00    11.00         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    119.00   118.50        365.000
 

 
                                     2006 Spring
 
ASTR        1       Elementary Astronomy                       0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B1
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition             3.00     3.00 D        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                            0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                             0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     1.750      TERM TOTALS :      4.00     5.00          7.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.024      CUM  TOTALS :    123.00   123.50        372.000 (I think this was when P left)
 

 
                                     2006 Summer
 
ART        35AD     Jewelry/Metalsmithing 1                    0.00 W
 
ART        15       Beginning Drawing                 3.00     0.00 F
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.952      CUM  TOTALS :    126.00   123.50        372.000
 

 
                                      2006 Fall
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.961      CUM  TOTALS :    127.00   124.50        376.000
 

 
                                     2007 Spring
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      2.00     3.00          8.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.977      CUM  TOTALS :    129.00   127.50        384.000
 

 
                                     2009 Spring
 
ART        23       Beginning Painting                3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
ENGL       26       Creative Writing 1                         3.00 CR <--why I didn't have to do as much work as everyone else. ;-)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
MUSIC      50AD     Perform Showcase Ensemb Wrksh     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
TART        1       Acting 1-Intro to Acting          3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
TART       51AD     Theatre Forum                     0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      7.50    10.50         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.033      CUM  TOTALS :    136.50   138.00        414.000 (after all is said and done, I'm STILL weighing in with a B average.)
 

 
                                     2009 Summer
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   4.00     4.00 A       16.000 (AND I passed math WITH an A!!)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
MUSIC      80AD     City Jazz Big Band                1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      5.00     5.00         20.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
Undergraduate Career Totals
 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
                    - - - - -   Non-Course Milestones   - - - - -
 
Certificate of Accomplishment - Applied Music Instructor <--The paper says I can do it... so bite me.
 
    Milestone Status: Not Completed <---This is why I'm STILL there... that's all.
 
            12/2004
Unofficial Transcript


I'm proud of myself after reviewing this.  Not that I didn't already know what I'm capable of, seeing it in writing puts it into perspective.

Anyway, I'm tired... gonna go try to make some red velvet cupcakes.  Yum.

Latas, hatas...

The two games that I need to be playing right now are Bejeweled Blitz and Mobsters.  Perhaps YoVille as well, since I'm trying to connect/reconnect.  Bejeweled Blitz gets my brain into sorting/organizing and think fast mode, I try to make sure I'm at or above the $150,00 per week.  Mobsters gives me that "ride or die" attitude... something that I need right now.  My class on Mobster is "Mogul," that's about right, my income is $3,000,000 per hour, and I up until about ten minutes ago, I had under a hundred mob members.  My stats are pretty impressive for the size of my mob... all that let's me know is that I can do it all by myself.

Anyway, since I've laid my foundation, now it's time to start building my empire.  I've never been more serious about anything in my life.  I'm taking into consideration who people are to me.  I want everyone to come to terms with who they think I am right now, because I refuse to carry around anybody's negative baggage.  It's not going to happen.  If you don't like me... STEP!  Everyone is fooled... thinking that I'm desperate for friends.  I'm not, I'm figuring out who I'm taking with me on my journey and which people I will cut loose.  Some of the cuts will be hurtful, but I'll get over it,  I'm not the one severing the ties.  I need to find out who I can trust, who's gonna be down for me... as I have been for them, and who would put a knife in my back at the first moment they received.

I'm not tolerating anyone not mentally strong enough to handle the whispers, because where I'm going, they don't whisper.  That's why I'm here, in L.A., to regain my strength, while maintaining my dignity. 

I just remembered... I have no respect for the weak (Mobsters mentality).  Long Beach refined my rough edge, but I let myself get too soft.  I have so much to get off of my chest.  BLAH.  I see things clearly, I know where I'm going.  I don't want to find myself surrounded by disbelievers when I get there, those people turn into, if they aren't already, haters... backstabbers.  I need to know how to sort and organize the people in my life, everyone needs to go into a category, and I need to find out where people belong in my life, if at all.  I'm usually looking for people to fit into the family category, but half of the time, I don't even want family in the family category.  LoL.  I have friends, I think, but I'm finding that out right now.  I need to know, because when it comes down to it, I've already given people what I have to offer... my love and support, and some get it far beyond the scope of what others are given. 

I think I just lost another one.  The friend that I stayed with for two months, whose daughter I helped heal when she was sick, whose food I would buy just because she's a single mother with two children... oh, it's emotional, don't misunderstand, but it doesn't make or break me.  Clearly, I've ever only been her hairstylist, not her friend... sooooo.  LoL.  Yeah, it's emotional because, I've only ever served my purpose, and then when I learn that I've served my purpose for someone who doesn't even appreciate it, well I just kinda feel let down.  I guess that part that I did wasn't good enough. 

This reminds me of the other friend who let me down a couple of months ago at her daughter's party.  Same thing, me serving my purpose, helping her with food her children, spent $1,000 on her now 5yr old daughter's baby shower, other things that need not be mentioned... she didn't need my help with anything financial, she has a big family who support one another.  She turned on me too.  Whatever.  These are people that I met in Long Beach, not that that has everything to do with it, but I can't discount the Long Beach part.

This is why I always say I don't have any friends.  Did I go far off topic???  I can't tell anymore.  My mentality has changed... I LOVE those!!  Right now, all I can think about is my mogul status.  I'm not really looking for fame, that'll come by default... that's why all of the alias.  I do a lot for people, some who don't even know my real name, but that's how you know.  "Ain't nobody raised no fool up ova here."

It isn't just me and the people that I want/don't want in my life that are being tested, the whole world is being tested.  No, I don't believe that the world is coming to an end, but the world as we know it, is ending.  The way to get into the new society is by charitable works... and not for show, or for the belief that you'll end up in a better place in the next life, but because you end up in a better place in this life, within yourself.  I think I say this all the time, but no one listens.  I lose my voice when no one listens, it's all good though, I'm not going to lose me.  This stuff is in the Bible, there are just tons of people misinterpreting it.  It's really pretty basic, but as I've been finding out lately, people are dumb.

Anyway, I've cried and now I'm letting it go.  I have no time to worry about people, I'm now trying to concern myself with making my money.  This gonna be so much fun.

I'm out SLITCHES!!

Sometimes I just get so fed up with all these negative people surrounding me.  I can't grocery shop in peace for people spewing their negativity at me.  I'm like, "really, how old do have to be before you get a clue??"  My grandmother has been here since she was nine years old, she's seventy-five now, and I'm not sure if she gets it yet, so I don't know...

I can feel the negativity seeping its way into me.  At first I would never say anything to people who talked shit to me, and I'd still carry it with me, but now, I have words of my own.  I just feel like I'm turning into one of them... someone who is negative, someone who is so unhappy with herself that she resorts to trying to make other people unhappy as well.  I'm actually good at talking shit... too good.  It isn't fun to me anymore, but I'm not going to hold my tongue anymore either.

Anyway, this is too much energy given to it, but I had to get it out of my system.

Latas.