The Cracks, with their old school and unapologetic sound and presence, Disorder33's late 80's skate rock feel (to me anyway), and then of course Off With Their Heads (OWTH), a polished street punk sound that was just all fun. Watching Ryan, the singer, spitting on Bob of the Cracks' back as his shirt got tangled on his guitar was a fun highlight, me winning 3 games in a row of 301 darts, winning a CD instead of beer, was another.

But what a night to remember. Thursday April 2nd is one of the shows that will go into memory as one of the best nights of my life. 11/17 played a show basically opening for OWTH, but the entire night was full of friends and constant smiles. This show I was not nervous before, an absolute first. Most of my friends that are in bands were either playing that show or were in attendance, old school and new friends alike. Watching the small bar and the relatively small crowd come unglued during the OWTH set.

Watching the guys from The Cracks, Ryan of Disorder33, Brian of my band and also in Nard Voris, and Tyler of Nard Voris, all who truly love that band, so full of excited joy and full of energetic support makes for an incredible night because you can not help but feel the really positive energy that had exploded all over the place. All going ape shit happy. That reminded me of the 20+ people, including myself, singing with Sick of it All at a show at the Cattle Club. I am sure their happiness mirrored every bit of ours then. It truly was a great night to observe and especially, because in a small way I was a part of it, playing earlier in the night. Tyler and Brian thank you for putting us on that bill, and more so thank you for a night that will stick with me for a very long time. What a great fucking night.


Three Nights I will always remember:
1994- Sacramento, Ca.: The Sick of it All show previously mentioned
2002- Roseville, Ca.: 11/17 opening for Agression, a band I got turned on to when I lived in Camarillo, Ca. in 1986.
2009- Peoria, Il.: The entire night of the show with Off With Their Heads

I can now say, I am really happy 11/17 is back together again. New members, but now now, with new memories! Thanks to everyone there and to everyone involved.

It has been a while since I have done a show review, not because of the lack of shows, though that is somewhat of a contribution, it's that no shows have really stood out to make me want to review them. Plus I have been really lazy.

The show was at IBC in Bloomington Illinois 2.21.09, and in my opinion, not the best place to see a band. There are stages that are set up for everyone to see the band without distraction and then there is, what IBC has, a mezzanine in which people have to look up at the bands. Also the sound there really sucks! I think they have the vocals coming out of the monitors so that the band can hear, but as far as utilizing the PA so people can hear the vocals, close to nil. My advice to IBC, get a new sound person and put the bands down where people aren't looking up at them like they are dictators giving speeches.

The first band on the bill, from the South Side of Chicago, the band Number nine (www.myspace.com/number9rocks). I really liked them. Its been a while since I heard a band that made me homesick for a time frame of my life. When they first started I was taken with the old Nard Core sound (80's hardcore out of Southern California/Oxnard, Ca. area , old bands like Agression, Stalag 13, Ill Repute, etc.). And in talking to them, have been around just as long as in the Chicago area (I probably should emphasize again, the South Side of Chicago or they would kick my ass). And they actually were a nice bunch of guys with a history and a story or two to tell. If you like old school punk, you will really like Number 9. I know I did. But I am an old man and it's that the nostalgic sound made me a happy kid again.

The second band from Michigan or somewhere in the Northern Midwest, I forgot the name. They tried to capture that feel of the Irish American street punk band, but failed. Honestly, was not to impressed. The music was alright but from what I could hear of the vocalist, he was battling to obtain a sound he could not grasp. Maybe he had an off night or had pneumonia.

The third band, I didn't get the name of and I missed their entire set. I am sure they were great (look at me kiss ass).

The final band, and in my opinion, the most uncomfortable show I have seen, Bloody Mess and the New Disease (www.myspace.com/bloodymessandthenewdisease ). Bloody started off the set by jumping up on the guard rail, and by just holding onto the sprinkler system over head, he proceed to spin, jump around, and hang out over the floor 15+ feet below with the grace of a drunken gymnast. Though drunken, Bloody is NOT a gymnast, so I had that sinking feeling of “this is NOT gonna end well”. I had similar bouts all through their set as he kept jumping on the monitors and hanging out over the guard rail. Awaiting Bloody's impending doom aside, the band played really well (even with the minimal glitches like the bass guitar chord coming unplugged and the overall shitty work of the IBC sound person).

So, for the nostalgic sound, I really dug Number 9 and out of fear of watching someone about to die, I enjoyed, albeit uncomfortably, Bloody Mess and the New Disease. I am thankful, this is only a review and not the description of Bloody's last minutes on this plane of existence. And finally, let me take a moment to address the powers that be at IBC; get a new fucking sound person and put the bands down on the floor!

When 2007 was coming to a close, I vowed to develop a new and better attitude towards myself and my surroundings as the clock hit midnight 2008... And 2008 eventually became one of the better years that I have had so far walking on this planet. 2009, started a bit bumpy, being unemployed and watching the economy of this country going down the shitter, I have to confess, my attitude was starting to mirror what was 2007 for me. Seeing some of my friends and family having shit happen early on this year helped me keep a less than positive attitude towards the new year...

Then I remembered... January 20th... Tomorrow!!! Possibly bigger than any New Years ever. I mean, not only are we watching the ousting of a HORRIBLE political leader and his henchmen and the incoming of a new administration... The past 8 years are done! And to add more positivity to the mix, the end of an American hidden agenda of racism... A Nation is waking up... Moving forward. An entirely new America is being formed tomorrow. Maybe there will be politics as usual, but the fact that a black man is being sworn in to the highest office in this country, it is truly a new start... I see that there is hope not just for the middle class or well-to-do, but for Everyone. Boundaries have been broken.

Today, the United States recognized MLK with a legal holiday and tomorrow, the country... The World... will see his speech... his dream realized... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character"

That, is bigger than any New Year celebration...

This is a New Era Celebration...

And I, for one, am going to go into it with hope, with goals, and my own dreams... They may not be as big as one man's dreams, but they are mine... And as for hopes... Yes, I am hopeful things will not only improve personally, and improve for those in my personal network... But also for a nation, who is taking one of the largest leaps forward... And politically, the biggest step forward ever... And ino the eyes of a World... who now will be looking back at us with hope instead of turning their backs on us because of that guy who is now no longer leading (and in his eyes, ruling) this country...

Yes, tonight is New Era's eve... Tomorrow brings something more than a new day... It brings a new start for America... For us all...

Yes, I am that hopeful...

Happy New Era!!!!

Aside from being Mr. Cranky Britches the first couple days of the New Year, if the first day or two, or three bear any resemblance of how the year is to go, it will be a busy year. And that makes this one a happy person. I will also say, if that is the case, I will be in good company, all of which may be as busy or busier.

2009 will also allow the concept of my old band 11/17 to come to light in Peoria, possibly, if it continues after the 3 mutually planned shows, 11/17 will also be changing its sound and lyrics. The sound, because I will be relinquishing the control of music and just focus on lyrics... And the latter I am probably the most excited about. They will still be personal, but hopefully less "woe is me" as the old songs tended to be. After the first show at Champs on January 31st, I already know that will be the last night of Poetry Jam. Next on the Chopping block will be Love Lays... Two songs I said I would never stop doing, are the 1st on my axe list. Love Lays will stay on til the last of the 3 shows, but then... Will be laid to rest if we continue.

The last week of December, so I say it still falls into this new year, I have started online schooling. Now I am not completely sold that this is a reliable form of schooling... Still seems sort of Shady, but with my current profession (well once I get another job) it will be more conducive to the warehousing hours where 12+ hour days are not unheard of. I have decided to go back to pursuing an old passion, psychology. In the past couple of months I had found in myself what many go to years of therapy to do, so if I can start my own personal mending, why not help others do the same... Right? So that is what is on the education tip...

Personally, I just plan on keeping much of the same mindset I had the previous year. Sticking around Peoria is still on the list. But this year, I intend to practice the art of patience. Not a new Years resolution per se... Because those are tossed out after a week... My New Years resolution was to be less of a smart ass, I lasted exactly 54 minutes... So those who keep their resolutions better than a week, you are better than me. No, patience and keeping on and increasing my vegetarianism, to include more raw and vegan practice.... Oh and learning to cook said meals... (on that part I know the best person to help, so I am confident it can be done).

So the best to you and yours in 2009 and beyond... I hope this year will be as good to you as I think this year will potentially be for me...

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: LEENDAH VON FLUFFYBUTT
Date: Dec 11, 2008 1:04 PM


What is your most honest view on Prop 8? I am writing a paper for my class on the topic, and I need to do a study on the aspect of love and hate. So your feedback is welcome, and needed.

Rant away!
Thanx, Leendah

My response:
From a natural end, homosexuality IS normal. It happens in the animal kingdom, from bottom of the food chain on up... That said, from a Christian stand point, if Christians are going to use the bible as source, then they have to use all of it... In Leviticus, where they quote the anti-gay rhetoric, there are many many other things that are worthy of a death sentence aside from homosexuality... So therefore to just pick out homosexuality is hypocritical.
Marriage, first and foremost, is a ceremony of love. Love has no genitalia. So if someone loves man/woman, man/man, woman/woman... It is love none the less, and I can think of no greater gift in all of existence than to love and be loved in return.
Prop 8 passing is a sad mark on the rights of humans and its dictating of that which is most divine, LOVE.
I can not comfortably sit and think God, or gods (however you chose), would sit there and say that the creation of an emotion so pure and intense has to have rules and regulations. Homosexuality IS natural. It IS normal... And I would think that homosexuality is NOT a mistake by a divine power... To assume so, then would make the hypocrites also blasphemers as well, would it not?

excerpts from journal entries from an old 'zine I did called "Through Excess and Sorrow", this was the section called "Bullshit from a Jackass". What a lot of bullshit from this jackass indeed... Have a read, and cringe, as I just did when I read it...

________________________________________________________________________


Two days after the show, body sore, throat sore, voice gone… Incredible- that feeling of bottling shit up for 7 years… Then Release… I miss this shit, I am ready… Give me the stage, give me the mic… I will give you all I am, then I will watch as you all turn your backs, walk away, and go home and fuck one another…

One month came and went… Not much has happened while everything was happening… To tired or disinterested… Either way, it makes not much difference, life has went on… Whether I was in Woodland or San Francisco, life has kept on going, and I find that I wanted back inside these walls of my apartment to reflect… But time has not allowed that. I need to get back on the stage… Fear and security, love and hate, memories of memories all in that 25-minute set- then exhaustion… Kind Of Blue playing in the old CD player (a friend of mine turned me on to that- thanks Jeff)…it is really hitting … Right now I am writing for writing's sake… Trying not to think about this purgatory I am in… One side of me says "I am lonely" and the other side says, "this will pass", as it usually does… I do want someone to hang out with, someone to hold, someone to bounce ideas and opinions off of, someone to roll in the sack with, all things relationships are minus the relationship bull shit…More-so my jealousy…Man, I have got issues… I miss the smell, the feel, and the tenderness of the idea of a woman- the way it is in that first 10 minutes of reuniting with each other after being apart during that "honeymoon phase" of the relationship… Then it is all down hill from there…


One time in the bar, like every time in the bar:
Staring at the mirror for what seemed like a split second… Memories of her… Repeated images… Her face, more so her eyes… I am lost in that moment… That split second between awkwardness and bliss- that split second where your mind stops thinking from "I hope I am doing all the right things" to I hope I did all the right things"… Time stops, there is locking of the eyes… Nothing moves, not even thought… Then BAM!!!

The mind starts working over time… Man that one split second… I once had that with you… Now it's just this mirror, this cigarette …

The crowd and noise begins interrupting my concentration… The last thought that I get before being lost in the crowd is that I have lost you again…


Women that I have had semi-lengthy relationships have been pushed so far away that even their memory has all but eluded me. Right now I think you could hold up a picture of them and I would probably argue about how that is not them… In my head, their face is remembered solely by emotion.


I haven't had much to write about lately… I have been too lazy… It seems I am always tired except when it is time to go to bed (such is the case right now)… I had band practice tonight, I didn't really want to be there… Seems I don't want to do anything anymore… Wish I could blame it on depression, except I am not bummed out, not in the slightest… Just tired… I do have the energy enough to know I am very comfortable now with no one… I am coming to realize I will always be alone… And right now, truthfully, that is fucking awesome… I know my loneliness stems from primal urges… 2-3 minutes in the bathroom, having an intimate encounter with myself, and loneliness goes right down the drain… And I am good for another day… Well it is almost 11 pm and I gotta be up by 5 am… Hey big day tomorrow, work- work- sleep-work… I need to be a machine… Tired… So tired…


People really got under my skin tonight. My mind is yelling "FUCK" at very high decibels… Yet I have to maintain complete composure… Fuck man, I really hate people. I love solitude. I love these four walls. I realize I would go nuts completely isolated, but I am one who is far better left to himself…


Depression has really locked on today, that plus 2 hours of sleep- still angry about last night… But what can I do… In some ways, I am grateful seeing how people can stab you in the back… It separates me more from them. It gives good reason to separate myself from themselves… Miles Davis playing helps me get inside myself like a cocoon. The more I am around people, the more I like it inside my head… And this depression actually feels good… I miss it sometimes… I am more myself then… I can get lost in my head for hours… It feels like 3 in the morning but the sun is up… I feel like being very alone today… I don't want phone calls. I want to be very isolated from the world today…


I thought about you all day yesterday (or was it Friday, the week end blurs dates when you go in early Friday, go in at another job until the early morning hours… all and all Fridays are like 15 hour work days give or take an hour or two) – anyways- I thought about you… It has been 5 years now... I know I fucked that one up big time… The sun was just starting to break up the darkness of the night's wear and tear. I was looking out at a pond at a friend's house and I somewhat wish you were there with me… I still think about you, but this day more so… I miss you… I wonder how you are, hoping you are doing very well… And all the while knowing you are doing very well in the fact you will never have to deal with the likes of me and my bullshit ever again. I am glad you never have to look at my dumb ass again. I was… Am pathetic… But I miss you…

They say time heals wounds… But these wounds left deep scars, so when I see them I am forced to remember… My scars have made my skin tougher… My skin is my wall… I won't let anyone get that close again… My wall… It is this that makes me glad no one stops by. My phone seldom rings… My loneliness is a total mess… Because I choose to not let anyone else come in… Come near… Stay very far away… Your life is awesome because I am not in it anymore… Sometimes I am jealous of that… Sometimes I get in my way… Stay very far away… I miss you…


Exhaustion finally took over… It seemed like blinking, but that was 3 hours ago… Broken only by the sounds of the beautiful princesses upstairs and the Frat boys next door… Sure they may be cool, I guess. I just keep to myself… It's times like these when I feel not only that I alienate myself from others, but in kindness they alienate me from themselves. I have flashing recollections of a spoken word piece from Steven Jesse Bernstein… I still remember some guy in Yuba City giving me an advanced copy of "Prison" on the Sub Pop label. It was pretty good, and then I heard that old Stevie B. blew his brains out… Fuck man… He took himself way too seriously… He was keeping it real… But I digress, today just reminded me of one of his pieces, basically listening to his neighbors fuck, their lives going on, them being alive, while he, in his reclusive and introspective nature, walled himself in his apartment… I have to get another copy. I haven't heard it in10 years… He was probably one of the first spoken word artists I ever heard besides Jello Biafra… And definitely the first of his kind… To the guy in the Underground in Yuba City… Thanks man…

I have a lot of shit on my mind today… I have been writing in this notebook all day… My phone rang a couple of times, but I didn't want to answer it… There isn't anyone I want to talk to today except this notebook…


I don't understand women, never have, and doubt I ever will… I can't handle relationships, so I just observe them as the beautiful works of art that they are. There are some women that are more beautiful and artistically admirable, just because they exist… I know a few of them, and this scares me, they scare me, because I will never understand them…


Well I stepped out of my shell I call my apartment… I went to the park across the street… But just about every nook to hide away in to stare at the stars, reflect, and relax were people and couple doing couple things… I still don't want to be around people… One homeless guy I walked by made sure he kept the park bench between us… I wanted to say, "hey man do you know where everyone else isn't" and assure him I was a lost dog and in no way wishing to harm anyone or anything… But I refrained, as he had found his place where people weren't and I came along and fucked it all up… So I kept walking… Time to go to bed, gotta go to work… Time to polish up the old mask and get ready for another week… Tomorrow has just got to be better than today doesn't it? I really hope so…


I just got off the phone with my sister Sara… She isn't really my sister, but I have known her for a billion years, since I was like 15 or 16 or something of that nature… She rocks very much… She motivates me and is a total inspiration… I don't really know many people as tough as she is. Fuck all these hard as nails rock and roll girls with their industry hard edge stage persona created by record execs to sell Barbie dolls… Here is a girl nearing 30 years old, married now divorced and 2 children which she raises with an absolute minimum of assistance from the children's fathers… She is putting herself through college and living on her own… And to top it off she continually pushes to improve her life and the life of her children. This also impacts those around her by forcing others to improve themselves by just coming in contact with her… I am an example of this (albeit not a great one, but one none the less). She always has a great outlook on life. When people are dealt with blows in life much less than those dealt her, they react very negatively. They learn to hate a lot better (I know, I am a card carrying member)… She is truly a force, and not one to be dealt with lightly… She will eat you alive and all the while maintaining a smile, you won't even know what hit you… She is definitely a true individual… An absolute one of a kind… And one tough bitch… She is awesome… She is mountain made flesh… She is my sister Sara…


I just got home from the bar. Working then, drinking now. The night spent watching couples interact. It was one of the other bouncer guys' birthday. The Big 25… Did that shit 6 years ago no time to look back on that mess… His girlfriend and his friends all surprised him with a cake… All his friends around him laughing… I see other large groups of people clustered in couples or with groups of friends and potential lovers…It amazes me to see people so well adjusted, so "normal"… I do feel like I am not from this world, sent to observe these humans interact with one another… I make attempts to mirror them usually resulting in high statistical failure. I feel something lacking in my life, it might be that, friends or being one-half of a couple… But fuck it man, it looks as if this path is barely wide enough for one… So each day, I go to bed and wake up alone… Probably for a very good reason… And seeing how I interact with people, especially in relationships… It is probably good I am doing this life solo… I mean for fuck's sake, I can't handle my own bullshit, let alone someone else having to deal with it… Too much weight, too much effort, too much baggage… I can barely handle the load. I won't bring anyone else in… I am the master of my own destiny and of my own fate, right? As this path narrows, I need to do it on my own… Loneliness and depression must remain allies of mine. Because the second they become an enemy, they will devour me and shit out my remains…


I know the sun will be coming up in the next couple of hours. The sun rising has always depressed me. The sun shines too much light. It exposes every fault. Listening to an 80's music program. When the love songs come on, as shitty as they are, I get a feeling of loss. Man, who ever said, "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved before" is a fucking idiot. It is like saying, "it is better to have fucked and had your dick cut off, then to have never fucked before". Fuck that man, if you had never felt it, you wouldn't know what you are missing. You would wonder what the big fucking deal was about it for all of about 5 seconds then move on. But, if you have loved and lost, you spend the rest of your existence wondering what the fuck happened. How you are going to move on. People fucking kill themselves over failed relationships. People KILL over failed relationships. It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved before, try telling that to the guy about to jump off that high rise… Oooops, too late.


I just got back from band practice, it didn't go all that well. Everyone was tight, we hit everything… You could just tell nobody wanted to be there… Including myself. Then depression… Getting into my truck, driving down the road… Depression, she greets me with open arms. I don't want to be here at home, I don't know where I want to be, but here I don't want to be… Maybe my camping trip worked all too well… I want to be there… It felt good to be without responsibility, Went to bed when I felt, woke up when I wanted… No work… For a couple of days it was relaxing…

Now home… Work… Work doesn't bother me. I like being there… I like being home, except right now… Something is missing… Ahhh, this is not depression, this is loneliness. This sucks so I am going to bed. I hate loneliness. Depression I can handle. Shit, now the definition in my mind is blurred. I cannot distinguish between the two. I either need someone here or I need to go to bed. Well, I guess it is time to say goodnight.


It has been almost 1 month since my last entry. Nothing much to talk about. Sleep, work, masturbation, sleep, work, work, sleep, band practice, sleep, work… I met an interesting girl who a friend of mine really likes… Both of us are attracted to her… We talk, we hit it off, and he takes her home… Man, I have been down that road too many times. You would think that street would be named after me by now. But she is cool… Too cool for the likes of me. Besides I really don't have the time nor the energy to put towards someone else, Right? Right…Yes, I may be a bit selfish, but there is far less pain this way. The loneliness I feel now is tolerable. Sure it gets bothersome at times, but the depression that it carries hurts, a little too much for me… So fuck it. I will stick with dinner for one, and breakfast for one. It makes things far more simple, and a hell of a lot easier to deal with.


Sitting on the stoop in front of my apartment trying three different Oktoberfest beers. Taking a break from reading to write. To listen. Listen to the scattered sounds of jazz behind me, women talking above me, kids practicing fall baseball in front of me, and the sound of traffic all around me. The sky is gray. It rained today with thunder and lightning making an appearance. Very rare here in California. Makes me miss Peoria, IL. But the gray sky, the rain, and all the sounds bring me to this stoop… It is cooling down now too.

Autumn is here. I love the fall. Today I am not depressed… Today is a good day to be alone and enjoy everything going on around me. Huh, I am happy… What a trip… Go figure…


Today I worked, jerked off, and read. I did that yesterday, the day before that, and so on… I am a creature of habit to its fullest. I don't really care for what I do or what I have become… But I do it out of habit. Hey, guess what I will be doing tomorrow…


My mind races with so many things I want to tell you- it is so hard to hold one thought. So much has not really happened, and I want to tell you all about it. I want to fill your ears with the random thoughts that roll around in my head. All the contemplation of every thing that makes me nothing.


Getting ready for bed, but depression is really hanging in there. I feel no motivation to feed the depression. I want to read about it, listen to songs under the influence of it. I am lost in it. It is nights like these where I wish someone was with me. But here I am and someone else isn't. Shitty weekends of boredom and depression mirroring the week end before, and knowing what to look forward to next weekend… I wish I could look forward to my job to break up this rut… But I hate that mother fucker too.


Everyday I find a new reason to get through each day. Each night I hate myself for lying.


Tomorrow starts a new work week, if it is anything like last week, I will speed up the job hunting process... I realized I may just need to seek a new profession. Highlights were few and far between... I think only 1 really, and that was talking to a friend whom I met from one of my spoken word shows. Thanksgiving I did nothing, body was all about "fuck you"... Woke up in a panic attack thinking I was late for work, took me about 5 minutes to convince myself I had the day off... I had the day off today as well, and fuck me if it didn't happen again... At least I was able to stay in bed instead of freaking the fuck out and running on a dead sprint to the shower before I realized I didn't have to work... I have also noticed I am starting to grind my teeth now while I am asleep... My teeth are sore and jaw hurts... Yea, this is the life I signed up for... The only release is the band... I need to keep telling myself that... I also worked like 3 hours as a bouncer at the bar last night, 2 bands, the first band sounded ok until they did cover after cover of Led Zeppelin tunes... And I will be the first to say that Led Zeppelin were a great band... BUT I AM FUCKING SICK OF LISTENING TO THE MOTHER FUCKERS!!! I mean the radio stations are inundated with that crap... That or my other choice is listening to the modern "alternative" bands that sound exactly like every other band... Korn...

I am so sick of music... I am forced to listen to Jazz... Where was I? Oh yea... The second band was fun with the mere exception of the bass player, she was very hot and she knew she was very hot and so like almost every girl who is hot and knows she is hot was an absolute spotlighted Bitch... Hey ladies here is a tip, if you are attractive and if you know you are... Then lighten the fuck up because for us ugly mother fuckers we don't get all that nice positive reinforcement that life just hands you and you know we just have to work a little harder to get a minuscule fraction of the attention you have people throwing at you... So be hot and shut the fuck up... And if I don't say hi, it is not because your beauty intimidates me, it is because I fucking hate you.... Now don't get me wrong, there are some very beautiful women who are humble and know life can be brutal... And they understand how things tick... I know a few of them... And you know they kick so much ass... But again I also have met a few of you out there, and well…

Try to imagine everyone avoiding you and not talking to you and that you have no friends try that for one day... Bet it will bum you out. You may even have some real depressed thoughts... Man do I lose myself sometimes… I was just going to point out that a lot of hours worked and no down time wears me out and makes me depressed... But the thoughts that have come into my head before that single line could be written filled me full of rage... Fuck all... Guess I do need to start writing more I can not hold a single thought...


Got home an hour ago, had a 4 hour band practice. We worked on 2 new songs, went to the bar afterward to have a coke and talk to the owner about a show there. Looks like January 31st. As the night progressed I got that old sinking feeling. The one where I no longer want to be around people. People and I don't mix well in times like these. It always seems like the people I want to be around are not the people I want to be with, nor does the person I want to be with even exist, or if she does she is unobtainable. I came home, had dinner, flipped around the TV channels stopping on Showtime soft core. At first I think "ALRIGHT!!! Beautiful naked women… this should snap me out of it". But only felt more bummed to see what I can not have… Not that I want that girl on TV… But I do want someone. Someone to hold intimately, hell just to hear breathe right next to me. The cold feels a hell of a lot colder when you are alone and the nights are more alienating. Sometimes I know I am better off alone, but right now, my place feels so empty, I don't even want anyone around except her, and I don't even know who she is. And it's time like these that I need her to hold me, to help close this hollow empty feeling in my heart and guts. I really know I need her right now and I really know she doesn't exist.


Today was a long day at the job. I could not wake up. For nearly 10 hours I was feeling that if I even blinked I would fall asleep. Came home before the bouncer job and took a nap. That helped a little. I am tired now, but thinking a lot. Mostly about where I am in my head. Today was another day I really could not deal with people, It is hard to make eye contact as I really wished I was either at home around no one or that everyone would disappear. Neither happened, so I had to just take a deep breath and deal with it… But the endurance of faking it paid off… I am home, and no one got hurt in the process. Today wasn't bad, but I am glad it is over and I can put the put the punctuation at the end of this sentence and go the fuck to bed…