The God concept is by no means a novel one. Mix one part fear, with one part hope, with one part crazy and you have God! At least, that's how I've interpreted that throughout the ages.

But in reality, the concept of God today has been bastardized time and time again by humanity. The original reasons we surrendered ourselves to these seemingly mythical beings are such a far cry from where we began - why we created them is no longer a question, but what do we do with them is...

How could different civilizations all worship the same concept, but interpret that concept in such various ways? I don't completely know the answer to this question, nor will I pretend to know, but I can always offer my input on the subject matter.

To offer my conclusion(s) first, I'll say that, in regards to the many people that worship 'God' - there is either A. No God, or B. Billions of Gods.

Now those are both two very radical ideas, and not ideas that anyone would want to digest easily, so I'll elaborate on what I'm getting at.

Take Amy for example
Amy goes to church every Sunday, Amy feels sorry for the heathens that don't attend church with her. She fears for their souls and prays for them. In her eyes, these people will burn in the flames of hell if they don't attend church with her and repent for their sinful ways - as will gays, jews, and fans of N'Sync. But Amy will go to heaven...so she thinks.

Now Take Jeffrey
Jeffrey goes to the same school as Amy. Jeffrey is in a punk rock band. Jeffrey plays with his band every Saturday and notices that Amy is never at any social events. He's worried about her condescending nature, and is afraid that Amy herself is in danger of burning in hell because of it. Jeffrey believes that Republicans, Prop 8 supporters, and regular viewers of Bill O'Reilly will fade into the blackness. Jeffrey is also a strong believer in God, but his method of worship is a bit different from Amy's.

Now we have a predicament of sorts. Ultimately, the main individual who decides who gets to enjoy the spoils of heaven is God...but how can two people hold such different views of who the being is and what it believes? One could argue that they are worshipping two separate Gods. But wait, we cannot have two Gods! So if we cannot have two Gods, then there must be none. Or maybe we can stroll with the third explanation for this phenomena, and simply conclude that neither of these individuals is actually worshipping a God as much as they are worshipping their own ideals, morals, and beliefs.

No one has met God, no one has had dinner or tea with this force, and more than likely, no one will ever be able to claim that they have ever lived through that experience.

This leaves us with one option, an option that many are hesitant to take in terms of worship and belief systems - and that is to stop. Stop worshipping our own ideals, our own concepts of what we think is real, and open our hearts to the possibility that God may be anything and everything. It we are truly open to worshipping a God that we do not know, then we must also be open to love all of the people that that God has created. Who knows, he, she, or it, could be the same as any one of us here.

So, judgements aside, the most important thing I would want someone to take away from this is to simply love, and allow yourself to be loved by others in return, because if you're looking for a sure ticket into the golden gates- it's going to be because your God can see that you love it for what it is, and that you can truly handle a heightened sense of being.

I can't help but feel a little bad when certain people expect something from me that I either 1. can't deliver, or 2. simply won't do.

So to make life easier, I made a list for myself of what I can and can't be expected to do.

1. Don't expect me to remember your birthday. I probably know more than 365 people, and it's someone's birthday every day. If I have trouble remembering the birthday's of the closest family members, I will most likely remember only a handful of them.

2. Do expect me to be honest. I can lie about stuff, but I'd rather not. If you ask me about something, ask me because you want to hear the truth, no matter what it may be. I can't stand to look someone in the eyes and lie about something big.

3. Don't expect me to care about you when you won't care for yourself. Don't tell me about how much you hate your boyfriend, then go back and kiss him after you're done telling me this. I can't help you if you won't help yourself.

4. Do expect me to be a good friend. I can be an awesome friend, but more than likely I'll need some time to get to know people. Unless I'm in a classroom full of people, don't expect me to be very talkative for at least the first day.

I'll add more here when I think of them, but for now, this is my list of expectations for myself and others.

It's been brought to my attention that there is a battle going on. A battle between people who think gay marriage is fundamentally wrong, and a battle between people who believe that the right to marriage should stay extended to gay couples. In this battle, there has been a whole lot of words said back and forth, points argued to death, and people who have spoken out for and against gay marriage. May I just say, this entire ordeal is the biggest waste of time I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

"Gay marriage is a direct attack on family values, foundations, and structure"

- made up quote that similarly reflects the vast majority of what is being said by proponents of Prop 8 -

I've got to disagree.

Gay marriage is viewed as a threat to family values, foundations, and structure. Let me be the first to say that there are MANY MORE threats out there than gays getting married. First, the mortgage crisis. Some families are literally being torn apart by the mortgage crisis. Children are having to live with their family members who are better off, parents are having to sacrifice their family lives in order to work more hours, and in the process, risk alienating their significant others and children. This can create a HUGE strain on any family and deeply impact their futures.

Another threat that currently looms over the heads of many American families is the failing economy/job crisis. Mothers and fathers are being displaced from their jobs as the economy worsens, and as a result, are unable to support themselves and their children. Adding to the threat of company layoffs (which I hear are all the rage nowadays) are paycuts for those willing to stay in their positions, benefit stripping, and retirement plans discontinued (although this is a practice that I assume is going to end soon).

The final threat that I can think of right now is that of terrorism - both international and domestic. I can say right now that the U.S. has put itself in a position of grave danger in terms of foreign policy and global standing. We have less respect for other countries, and in turn, they now have less respect for us. We have abused our power in the U.N., grossly exaggerated the dangers abroad, and put ourselves in a position that has PRODUCED *new* - validated powers (hezbollah) that can hurt us.

Overall, I guess I'm just disappointed in the far right. I'll go on to say that I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT REPUBLICANS ARE BAD PEOPLE. I don't believe they are in any need of 'enlightenment', or that their worldviews are any less valid than those carried by the left. What this situation boils down to is priorities. There are far greater 'dangers' to families than gay marriage, and I'm disappointed in the far right for absolutely failing to realize this. The vast amounts of money raised for/in opposition to prop 8 could have been better utilized to help families in need who are suffering as a result of the mortgage crisis and job losses. What is embarrassing is just how much has been raised for both sides - an estimated 42 million - predicted to grow to 50 million by the November 4th election. (too lazy to cite, just check here: http://www.montereyherald.com/ci_10686564)

So, after all of this, is the real 'threat' gay marriage, or is it human stupidity and stubbornness? And is fifty million dollars worth the right to say "I'm right!, you're wrong, people agreed with me, and now we have a proposition (or lack thereof) in place to validate that"?

It was an odd headline: World's Oldest Person Turns 115 - "I never damaged my body with liquor"

link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14458548/

We'd had discussions about this in various classes of mine. It was living life, and the quality of that life. I don't have a problem with the man, or his age for that matter, but I feel a bit sad for him if anything. There's many joys to be had in life, some of those joys come in natural forms, some of those don't. For those that don't: heroin, cocaine, marijuana, acid, alcohol, etc.

While I don't personally condone the use of any of these things (ignorance is bliss in my opinion), nor do I actually do them, I do acknowledge the fact that each one of these chemicals offers a different experience. One of the more widely accepted drugs is alcohol. A majority of people will get drunk in their lives, but it's an experience nonetheless. Sometimes it can be a good experience, other times, not so much. Alcohol offers an interesting, albeit consequential high that if fostered in the right environment, can offer very pleasant feelings throughout the duration of time it is used. The same goes with smoking cigarettes, which I myself did for about a year up until I decided to quit (taste was unbearable).

So, the discussion in my English class centered around living. Who should we pity, if anyone? A man who has lived 20 years and has had several lifetimes worth of pleasurable experiences through drug use, or the man who has had 115 years of living but has never once dared alter his state of mind in constant fear of the 'risks'.

Whatever the answer is, the debate is an interesting one. To add my own two cents in, I know the risks of drug use and alcohol, and that's why I don't do the former. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore because it began to sink into the category of being a negative experience, but I wouldn't pass up a drink or two if offered because the number of 'bad experiences' I've had with alcohol have been very few and far between. I would never do heroin, or cocaine, or any of the other big drugs - hell - I still won't touch marijuana even though I have nothing against the drug (I like my memory though).

So what really is a life worth living? Is longevity worth deprivation?

In reading this blog, know that it will most likely NOT enrich your life in any sort of way, shape, or form. Now that that's out of the way, big anxiety for a lot of big projects.

1. College. I'm still waiting on acceptance letters from certain universities to come in, and until they do, I'm a nervous wreck. This sucks...hard.

2. Book. I'm still working on an awesome book which I'm actually really proud of. It's the scariest thing I've written in a while and it doesn't even have that much blood, gore, or violence. Go figure.

3. Keeping Healthy. I'm trying my best to STAY in shape and improve my current build. I hate having to keep at it, but I know it's something I gotta do. I don't want to get fat...again.

4. Trying to Stay Sane in All of This. Sucks. It really does and I just can't wait to see what the future holds in store for me...unless it's homelessness...if it's that then forget it.

"I strongly disagree with Reverend McClurkin's views and will continue to fight for these rights as president of the United States to ensure that America is a country that spreads tolerance instead of division."

-B. Obama in a reference to the LBGT community and McClurkin's viewpoints.

Spreading tolerance. Now, for those of you who noticed the Obama quote, just a fair warning, I'm not trying to pick on or single out Obama, as a matter of fact, I personally think he's a really solid candidate, but this isn't about Obama.

This is about tolerance.

I don't want to be 'tolerated'.

I want to be accepted.

When someone says that they'll tolerate something or someone, it's usually something they don't like, or someone who has done something wrong. I don't believe I have done anything wrong, so why should I be tolerated? Is it really that easy to hate me that instead of being asked to accept me people are asked to tolerate me? And not just me, but the entire LBGT community?

Whenever someone speaks of toleration, I get a little peeved because that's exactly what the word implies. Someone doesn't have to like you, they can pretend all they want, but for as long as you're around, they'll tolerate you.

I'm not sure how we ever got around to this, but if someone can't accept me, then I don't want to simply be tolerated. Even though they're everything wrong with this world, I do have a certain respect for the Phelps family. They're blunt, they're honest, and they don't tolerate. Through all of this, they've never killed anyone (at least to my knowledge), and are open with their hateful ways and viewpoints. Many have the same viewpoints as the Phelps, the only difference is, they keep their viewpoints and hatred hidden within themselves. They'll tolerate others who are maintain different perspectives and lifestyles other than them, but that's all they do, tolerate. I would rather have a hate-spewing loudmouthed bastard than a quite, cowardly hypocrite.

Ah the thought of marriage. Such a wonderful occasion that says 'eternity'. Such a symbolic act that requires dedication, commitment, and love that knows no bounds...but for who?

My personal view on marriage? I never want to get married, ever. Some people might interpret this as a fear of commitment, me being an asshole, or me just being a player/whore. I would like to say, its none of those things.

There was a time when I did want to get married, but around a year ago, an article that I read from the Associated Press made me think. While I can't remember the name of the article, it spoke about the Chancellor of Germany wanting to put a bill in effect that would make marriage last for seven years instead of 'A Lifetime'. Now then, the whole idea of this was that marriages were lasting on average five to seven years, and in order to cut back on messy divorces and divorce rates, the measure would make happily married couples seek a license renewal ever seven years, and if they didn't want to be married, then they simply part their separate ways. On paper, this is an awesome idea, but traditionalists (read: both liberal and conservatives) thought the idea was horrible...but might I add...what is so horrible about the reaffirmation of love? And then the idea struck me - maybe people don't want to reaffirm their love, maybe they're too lazy, maybe they've given up after a certain point because, well, they're married and they don't feel the need to.

And that's when my ideas started flowing. I don't ever want love to become an obligation. Not now, not ever. I still entertain the idea that I will spend the rest of my life with one person, but I don't entertain the idea of marriage. Why? Because I don't need a ceremony and a piece of paper to tell me what I already know: that I love this person and I want to spend as much of our lives together as possible. Knowing this, marriage creates more problems than it ever solves. There's 1. feeling trapped, 2. the need sometimes to 'walk away', 3. The issue of prenups/possible divorces, 4. the forever portion of marriage automatically assumes that we are able to predict the future.

I know that every year I live, I change...sometimes in small increments, other times, drastically. Who is to say that you'll have married the same person, who is to say that you'll be the same person after you're married? Either way, marriage is simply a terrible idea, and for those who say "well, think of the example you're setting for kids!", well I can safely say that most married couples already do a good job of setting terrible examples for their children than many other single mothers and fathers.

As for my viewpoints on marriage and gay marriage, do I think gay marriage should be legal? Absolutely. There is no reason why everyone shouldn't be allowed to make the same mistakes.

-JJ

It was fun for a few minutes...





But seriously now...

Self made costume, I was misery for Halloween. I can't say how many times I heard the "misery loves company" line that night...it was quite annoying.



And here's the shirt...



And finally, here's me wearing it all -



Finally, done with the stress of it all!

I'll start taking your preorders...now.

Hey all. I was just wanting to update everyone on what's happening with me now. I used this guy's myspace to finally release all of my blogs. At first, I used a small notepad, then I used to put them on a website, then I just deleted them all because the reality of the situation was just too much. It's been six whole years since I wrote the blogs, and what a trip it has been.

To fill you in a little:

I ended up running away from home about two weeks after Seth committed suicide. The pain was just so much that I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I ended up running away to San Francisco for a bit just to find some time alone and be lost for a while. I really needed it. While I was there, I ended up being homeless for around three weeks WITH a job. I ended up working for a small cafe in SF, and when my manager found out I was homeless, he ended up offering up his place for me to stay in - as long as I wasn't a homophobe...he's gay, but it really wasn't a big deal.

I had a whole lot of alone time to reflect on things that had happened back at home. Working and trying to make a life for myself really helped me deal with everything that had happened. I stayed with my manager for around two years, then I met one of his nice friends. Her name was Tammy and she was so nice when I met her. She came over a whole lot because she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and needed someone to talk to. We ended up keeping in touch for over a year, then we decided that we were going to give this whole 'relationship' thing a try. We ended up moving into an apartment together in the neighborhood, and she's helping me get my life back on track in terms of going back to school and getting a degree.

I barely went back home last year, and my parents were ecstatic to see me. They welcomed me with open arms, and they met Tammy. It was actually Tammy who convinced me to go back and visit them; without her, I don't think I would have been able to go back. I also talked to Seth's parents when I went down there. They've been proactive in raising awareness for various causes associated with suicide and depression. They say that they still cry for Seth; I can't even imagine the pain they're still in.

Besides all of this, Sheena is still in prison, and she's writing a book. Her case was so high-profile that she already has several offers on the table for her when she's ready to commit to one deal. My brother and sisters are also doing pretty well. They were mad at me when I first came down for the week, but they were quick to forgive as I talked to them more and more about what I had done and for what reason I did it.

Tammy is now six months pregnant. We're doing pretty well financially right now, but I still worry about what a baby could mean. Either way, I'm really excited to become a Daddy. Its a really exciting time for me right now, but I still held on to all of that baggage from the past. Tammy told me to find someone to put it on myspace for me. If I did that, that would prove that I could at least let people in on what happened in the past, and finally let some old wounds heal. She was right. I feel so much better now, and I want to thank everyone who took the time to read what I had to say so many years ago. By the way, Tammy, if you're reading this, its a boy!

I'm numb right now. Every part of my body is…numb…

Seth called me over last Tuesday to because he was sick. He said since he couldn't come over to my house, maybe I could go over there and hang with him. I told him I'd be right there, then, I got a call. It was from my Mom who wanted me to make sure the house was clean before she arrived with her friends. I cleaned for around an hour, then, I ended up heading over to Seth's house. When I got there around an hour and thirty minutes late, I knocked on the door, and his Dad answered it. "Is Seth home?" I asked. His Dad replied with a yes, and let me inside. I climbed up the stairs to get to Seth's room, and not two seconds after I answered the door, he looked at me straight in the eye. With no emotion in his face at all, he grabbed the shotgun he had in his left hand, put it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.

I remember the sound…it was so loud.

I stood there not knowing what had just happened. My mind was drawing a complete blank. Tears fell from my eyes without me even noticing them. My knees felt really weak, and I fell on the floor. I started to get light-headed, then, I heard the door open from behind me. It was Seth's Dad. I didn't see him, I just knew from his voice. My face was still looking towards the floor, watching the tears come down from my face and hit the white carpet. I looked at my arms; they had Seth's blood all over them. I got really disgusted and felt like throwing up, but instead, my arms just decided to give out too. There I was, on the floor crying my eyes out; not making a single sound to acknowledge the tears coming down from my eyes.

It seemed like only minutes had passed when the paramedics came. They helped me off of the floor, and had to carry me out of the house. I could barely stand, so it was a little difficult for them. Before I knew it, I was back at my house that night from the lift I'd been given from the cops. I took off my clothes when I got in my room, and just slid under the covers on my bed. My body still, numb, I was still wondering how Seth was doing, even though I already knew.

So, I'm back home now, and I'm happier than ever to be here, it's just that my brother is gone, so life is still a little painful. Regardless of this, I'm trying to make the best of it. Sheena has been writing me for a long time now, but I'm a little worried about her. Seth told me that she was in the news because of how badly she was beaten up in prison. According to him, she was beaten up because of the fact that the man she killed was mutilated.

I'm starting to turn to T.V. a little bit. T.V. is kind of a distraction for me for everything else that's going on. I think its turning into an addiction of sorts. Every time I don't watch T.V., I end up thinking about my dead brother, or about Sheena. Seth has been around a whole lot more than he used to be. I think its because my Mom has been asking him to be, but I don't know. Its nice having a friend around all the time, but I also do like my private time. Seth has also been spending the night every chance that he's gotten. I mean, at first it was weird for me, but I've gotten so used to it now that I just kind of don't care anymore.

I'm going to tell Seth that I know he's coming over here just because my Mom told him to. I'm also going to tell him that I'm okay, and thanks anyway for being a good friend, but I don't need him to be around all the time. It'll probably be a little awkward for a bit, but I think he'll get the message loud and clear.

Besides all of this, my sister Kat (who we barely found out was an alcoholic), just started her own program of sorts. She said that she needed to stop drinking, and she's going to not drink for three months straight. Her whole goal for this is to be able to moderate her drinking to one or two beers, or mixed drinks, but nothing over that. What prompted this was the fact that she was hanging out with two guy friends of hers, then blacked out. When she awoke, she found herself in an alley, naked and bruised up. She's pretty sure that she wasn't raped, but we still forced her to get checked. She's staying with my Mom and Dad now, living with us until she gets better. She said that she doesn't believe in groups like A.A. because they set people up to fail in the end. "There is no such thing as going dry your whole life, in some settings, you're required to drink because of the situation like a business meeting, or a social event." With the way she's talking now, I'm still a little worried, but I am happy that she's taking control of her life.

That's all for now, I'll probably have more to talk about later.

This has been a long...and depressing week. Sheena is in jail now. The whole session in court just made me so mad. Her lawyer dug into my personal life, and was pointing out the fact that I may have liked Sheena at one time or another. He was saying that since she never expressed interest in going out with me, that I wanted her to go to jail, I had a motive in wanting her to go to prison. I don't think she should actually go to prison, I'd much rather prefer her in a psychiatric ward. She needs help, and I don't think prison is going to give it to her. Regardless, the judge said that his allegations had nothing to do with the actual trial, and ended up suspending the lawyer for misconduct.

When I went to visit Sheena, she told me that she was depressed. She said the she didn't remember killing the man, and that she had blacked out as everything happened. She said she woke up next to the dead man with her clothes off. The last thing she remembered was going to meet someone who could give her a job and set her up with a place...needless to say, that never happened. It was awkward talking to her, but I saw her and how much pain she was in. She told me that she was sorry if she killed him, and we parted ways.

It's interesting how these things just happen somtimes. With Sheena in jail, I think it was more weird for me to think about how I even got to this point. I'm expecting to go home tonight for the first time in three weeks, and yet, still, I don't feel like this is over yet. I don't feel like Sheena really did it. Now, I'm no detective, but just the way she talked about it was really heartfelt and sincere. She even apologized to the family...which is not the best way to avoid a slap in the face which she ended up getting. I'm just really worried about her in prison. With a huge life sentence ahead of her, I wonder how she's going to adjust.

Greg's Blog (Blog 4)

I'm in San Francisco right now…and I'm not quite sure of what I'm exactly doing right now. It's been a few weeks since my brother Wes died…and it still stings a lot, but we're all trying to take it one day at a time. I'm down in San Francisco, because of Sheena. Seth is here with me too. He's been trying to help me with this whole thing. This 'thing' is what Sheena did.

Sheena had this weird tattoo that she used to draw on herself. It was kind of like a cross with a ball for a center, and four dots surrounding it. Either way, I saw her drawing it a lot on paper when she would come over, and she told me that she came up with the symbol herself. She said it was good luck for her or something like that. Well, the problem is, I know for a fact that Sheena went to San Francisco…and now…there's a body of a man that washed up in the bay with Sheena's symbol carved onto the lower part of his abdomen. Sheena's been emailing me ever since she left. She asked if she could come over to my house, and possibly stay for a few weeks until school starts up again. I told her that she could.

So to make a long story short, we told her to wait at a hotel which we wired her money to stay at since she was having "difficulties with housing". Her hair is in the guy's wound; it's really horrible to think that I was friends with someone that could do something like this. I'm just wondering how this whole thing is going to turn out…I'm nervous…and scared…and absolutely terrified. Sheena was never like this…she had to have had a reason for what she did; I'm just afraid to find out what it is.

Kai is ok now. He's out of the hospital...which is a good thing I guess...Wes isn't okay though.

Oh man, so many things have happened. To make a long story short: Wes committed suicide. It turns out that my brother got involved in some gambling scheme, he ended up playing Russian Roulette...with the infamous loaded gun. When the police were called by neighbors who heard the shot, they found my brother, and two other guys. I think my brother was in debt...but he didn't want to ask my parents for help. I always knew that he had a problem with gambling, but this one just...it just sucks.

When Wes arrived at the hospital, they didn't know who he was, his face was so messy. When they did find out though, they had his kidneys rushed over to our hospital, which was around sixty miles away. I was happy when I saw that Kai was getting a second chance at life...but I didn't know who had croaked in order to give it to him. I thought at the time "well, tough shit, at least we have a donor now", but I didn't know at what expense.

My father called Wes' girlfriend to come over, because he wanted to break the news to her in person. He had her sit down, and when he told her, she sat there for an entire minute without moving. Her whole face turned red, and she stared emotionless at my father with tears rolling down her cheeks. She asked him what he meant by "Wes is dead." She left after ten minutes of my father trying to explain to her what had happened. I'm not sure why things like this have to happen...Wes was awesome...and it's just stupid that he's gone...

Remember Sheena? Well, she turned out to be crazy...batshit crazy. She started going on about how the stars were actually talking to her about the upcoming 'battle'. The sad fact is, I know she's crazy, but I still want to be her friend. That's all I've ever wanted to be. I know now that I can't take care of her though. I can't help her with her problems, I can't be the solution to every equation in her life, and I just can't deal with it right now. She ended up running away from home, and Seth wasn't all too heartbroken over the situation. He said the I changed whenever she was around, and he was happy at least to have his old boy back. Still, I wonder what could have happened if only...

Well, it's late, and I'm all out of it for now.