I hope everyone understands why my last blog was so angry. So much has gone on in my life in the last 2 months, and I feel like few have been here to help me through it. This is a big reason why I feel so abandoned. I gave so many of you shelter so many nights. I gave you booze. I gave you _ _ _ _. I gave you massages. I hugged you, and accepted you. I loved you, when other friends wouldn't. I welcomed you into my home, when your families wouldn't. I ignored your faults, when others couldn't.
I have spent most of my time alone in Bella Vista. I know that I don't drive, and that doesn't help. But I didn't drive before, and you still found ways to come hang out with me in Redding. I'm only 5 minutes away from Shasta College. The only change is that I'm just not partying anymore, and I'm not living in a party house. And that's why I'm alone, it feels.
I really am sorry if I hurt anybody's feelings. It wasn't my intention at all. I was very upset, and I hope everyone can understand that. Plus, I've failed to mention to all of you why life has been so tough because few have been around to talk to. I'm not in the happiest of places mentally right now.
Please know that I will never shun you. I know you used me. I'm aware you walked all over me, and I was conscious of that the the entire time. But regardless, I can never stop loving each and everyone of you, and that's why I allowed it. I do only wish for your happiness - though, my own emotions tend to get in the way at times like these.
I hope one day, you can love me as I've loved you. I hope you can feel the same joy that I do when we spend time together. I hope your lives are filled with things more important than intoxicants one day. And if not, I'm sorry that you are missing out.
Things will get better; they always do.

Thanks to everyone who has made such a big effort to stay in contact since I've moved. It's nice to know that the majority of my friends in Redding were just bitches who were obviously using me for my house. Even if that's not the case, the nonexistant effort you've all made to stay in contact is oh - so - appreciated.
And I like how I stop hearing from the others when I decide to quit partying. I'm glad we had such a deep bond - as deep as the vodka bottle/loaded bowl goes, hm?
I always thought people appreciated me. I hosted parties because I loved being with my friends all of the time. And I was repaid by having a torn up house void of all of the previous night's guests the next morning. And now, you've showed how much you cared by pretty much ceasing contact. I feel just awesome. Thanks, guys.
I hope you realize how great of a friend I was to all of you while I was in Redding. And I hope I can find real friends now. People that will enjoy hanging out with me because I'm energetic about the little things in life. Because I love humans. Because I'm a crazy artist and motivated future-traveler. Because I have more compassion for our species than most of you combined. Take your sad excuse of a friendship elsewhere. I want people in my life who know how to love their friends, and actually make an effort to be there for others.
 
This, of course, is not meant everyone. I hope you know who you are.

An update.

I'm thankful- for this move. Now I know who wants to hang out with Bobbi for the company of Bobbi, and not for her house!
I'm sick - and I either have strep throat or mono. Take your Vitamin C, children!
I'm sexy - hell yeah!
I'm sober - from all smokables! Whee!
I'm motivated - to travel, because of this illness. My physical body could break down at any time. So, I need to take advantage of my youthful blessing, and get out there to see the world while I still can! Maybe I mean it this time.

I'm in love - with the human species.
<3

A lot has gone on.
I find myself slipping deeper and deeper.
But everytime I wake up a little bit more.
And see what I'm doing to myself.

I was a happy baby. I was happy in highschool. I can't lose that happiness. So I have got to switch things up.

Read more.
Research more.
Walk more.
Focus more on what I need to get done.
Breath, and think it over.
Dance more.
Smile more.

I must find something to do. I have to keep searching. And I'll find what I'm looking for in myself.

And so it's known, I still love hugs. So, so much.

In February. =)

There may or may not be some slight changes in the schedule, but for now, it's pretty set.

I'll be gone for around a month, starting early February. Not as long as expected, but I'll definately have some great stories, awesome souveniers, and perhaps I'll learn a ton more about myself! I expect to, because if I can, I'll be meeting up with some relatives that I've never met from my father's side of the family. We'll see very soon.

I'm super excited. I've wanted this for [hella days] a long time, and though I've had to make some compromises due to monetary issues, I'm positive I'll have a blast and meet some awesome people.


So, what does this mean?
Let's hang out before I go! =)
Call me if you're up for it.

<3

Bobbi rolled out of bed one night. She hopped on her brother's computer, and decided to give her buddies, and future past-reflecting self, an idea of what's going on in her life. Here it is.

Sorry for kind of disappearing off of the planet. My Redding friends know what I'm talking about. But, I didn't have time to call everyone and fill them in. My apologies! I'll be back in Redding this weekend.

I've been working [me? working? omfgapocolypse!] to save up for traveling! And guess what - I've saved up enough to actually move. And get out of here. But, not yet. I'm going to work on saving up a bit more, so I can travel a little more comfortably.

Actually.. I'm super proud of myself right now. It's about time I have a drive to DO something with my life, and huzzah for stepping up and saying "No Babs, don't spend this paycheck." And I'm thankful for awesome, amazing people who have greatly impacted my life, and totally changed the course of life for Bobbi Ashworth forever! If you keep positive, positive things seem to come and find you if you're patient enough. I've been very patient with myself and my lack of motivation, and very fortunate.

So, where should I travel next year? Any suggestions?

A place with a totally different culture. Outside of the USA. Where people come in abundance, and a smile on their faces. =)

Oh yes, please, please, please.

I have been taking it easy. I came to the Bay Area on Saturday morning [my birfday - 19!] with Jared and Cory of Greyhound. We arrived in San Francisco at about 2:30. We walked around, saw some neat things, met up with Brie, Kyle, and Nick. And saw the Faint and the Warfield with all of the above, alone with Robert - my brother, Candace - who met us in SF after taking Bart, and Heather who got a ride to the bay with her mom. =D
It was an awesome concert! The pianist was awesome to watch. He rocked out on his keyboard, and moved his body in strange ways. It was kind of sexy. And the lead singer looked like Neil Patrick Harris - Doogie Howser, with goggles. The light show was awesome, and the music was pretty good.
Since then, I've been hanging out at Brie's and Kyle's in Concord.

Life in Redding is good. I've been making some new friends, and getting closer to some others.

And, if anybody wants to party, let me know. I'd like to have two birthday parties, maybe three, so I can party with EVERYONE, and see all of you lovely kids. I miss everyone so much. I've gotta make more friends, and hopefully, if you're reading this, you want to chill with me too. So call me, anytime! And if I don't pick up, leave a message.
But if you don't party, and if you still want to hang out, get coffee, sing, draw, dance, watch movies, listen to music, or just enjoy the silence of each others' company, let me know, anytime. I'm here for your happiness. =)

And I still love you! <333


Your friend,
Bobbi

Without partying, I would draw more,
I'd lift my spirits without hard liqueur,
Conversation would become incredibly hard,
Or maybe that's just the voice of my scars,
Seducing me thoughts to make me believe,
I'm somehow better after a shot or three,

There was once a part of me that no one had heard,
Without singing, I'd be more reserved,
But no longer in a sober state,
Can I sing so freely and not hesitate,
A shyness comes with lack of consumption,
But I feel it will lead to a mental corruption.

I know no poem will change me actions,
But maybe I should set up some fractions,
2/7 nights out of the week,
Will be reserved for some partying,
And all the rest won't ever be lame,
I'll be with me girlfriend, Mary Jane.

Dear friend,

 

It's been awhile since I've done this,

told you how I'm feeling,

'Cause I've been ignoring electricity,

it's no longer appealing.

I've picked up expressing,

myself in a book,

It has more life, it has more art,

everytime I look.

My life's been getting crazy,

New things always show up,

I've completed more of my to-do list,

I'm starting to grow up! =]

I've figured out some set goals,

to strive for the next year,

And hopefully I'll succeed,

if I keep distractions clear.

I've found myself around,

only a few of my beloved friends,

But I hope to see everyone more,

As this year comes to an end.

I've been facing some sadness,

every once in a while,

But I've been doing fine, I promise,

I wake up with a smile.

And if you ever find yourself,

in the need for some love,

You've got a friend, around the bend,

With a sign that says "FREE HUGS."

 

Love,

Bobbi <3

Flustered, a little nervous, with increasing anticipation every hour, and the need for a vehicle.

And yet, I don't plan on driving. Ever.

So, yeah. I'm an emotional little panda, but for the most parts, they're positive emotions. So woohoo!

Aside from that, I love my friends. Even the ones I hardly get to talk to anymore. I think about each and every person that I've come across in this lifetime, and I appreciate all. Thanks for sticking around with me, guys [and ladies]. You rock!

It's mama's birthday!!!!! So, barbeque tonight at my house. You're welcome to come, if you can pitch in a 2-liter soda or a bag of chips. :) Or a card, atleast. Call me after 4 or 5 for details.

I'm getting better at Halo! Yesterday, I made first 5, then 7 kills, in two seperate rounds of Team Slayer. That's way better than my measley 0 or 1 kill per round before.

And... I really can't wait for October and November. I'll be 19, and then heat will be gone!! =D Woot!