Being a professional novelologist is a weird gig, gang.  It’s not because I get paid to make up stories, although that is a bit odd if you think about it.  Yet no odder than getting paid a million dollars to swing a bat at a ball or drive a car really, really fast.  And it’s not because people look up to me for my accomplishments, meager as they are in a sociological or cosmic sense.

It’s because, as a modern writer, I’m not allowed to be quiet.  Simply put, I’m expected to be something of a celebrity, a personality.

Welcome to the internet age.

Out of all the surprises that were awaiting me on the other side of published author, this is perhaps the strangest.  Because writers are not interesting.  And writers are not cool.  And writers are not charismatic by nature.  We’re just people who write, and writing, by its nature, is a solitary activity.  Especially novels, where the bulk of my creative work is done sitting in front of a computer and typing.  It’s not much different than an office job, except that I do it at home, alone, sometimes late at night, sometimes while only wearing pajamas.  And only a few decades ago, that would’ve been enough.  Write the book, get the book published, collect your check, and repeat.

It’s not quite the same anymore.

I have a blog.  I contribute to the Orbit Books website.  I am probably very soon to contribute to the Piper Books website (my always lovely German publisher).  And then, there’s the personal appearances.  Not a lot of them, mind you, as not many people really care enough to invite me anywhere.  But this year, I had more conventions and speaking engagements than last year, and I expect that I’ll have even more next year.  I will if things go as they should anyway.

It’s a bit confusing.  Given my druthers, I’d probably just avoid the public eye all together.  It’s not that I mind public speaking or that I dislike being surrounded by adoring fans, lively aspiring writers, and fellow professional writers.  To tell the truth, it can be a hell of a lot of fun.  (So if you want to send any invites my way, feel free to do so because that’s my job and I am a very cool guy to meet in person.  Really, I am.)

At the last meeting of the DFW Writer’s Workshop, someone remarked that I was the charismatic guy, the helpful dude who talks to all the visitors, tries to make the new members feel batter, and just generally makes a good impression.  It’s who I am now.  It’s just how this job has changed me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out a topic for my Orbit Books contribution this week.  Then I have to check my Facebook and Twitter.  Then I gotta squeeze in some World of Warcraft.  And, if there’s time, I guess I’ll do a little writing too.

Busy, busy, busy.

I'm speaking at a mystery writer's group this Saturday.  I've said it before, but speaking at these kind of events is always a strange experience.  The people are always nice.  The events are almost always fun, but I still can't get over that I'm an invited speaker.

I imagine that one day I'll get used to the idea, but I'm not there yet.  In my head, I'm still just a guy who writers stories.  The only difference now is that I get paid for it, and this gives me an aura of authority because, hey, I'm a professional, right?  I must know what I'm talking about.

I'm among the prominent members of my writer's workshop.  I forget this sometimes too.  That's only a problem when newer members take my comments as gospel.  Because I'm published, aren't I?  I must know what I'm talking about.

It doesn't work like that.  As far as I can tell, being a professional writer is 90 percent luck, 9 percent hard work, and 1 percent talent.  Truthfully, I might be overestimating the talent part.

I'm not being modest.  I'm a good writer, but Stephanie Meyer made millions writing a fairly standard vampire teen love story.  Not passing judgment, but it's true, gang.  What hits and what misses is anybody's guess.  In hindsight, it's easy to say Harry Potter was a surefire hit, but it's just as easy to imagine an alternate universe where Harry never made much more than a small splash in a highly competative field.

Like most everyone, I am unimpressed by the great majority of published fiction, including many well-established, very popular writers.  I also have favorite writers who I find absolutely wonderful who languish in obscurity.  I'm fairly sure that there are plenty of people out there who think my writing is sub par at best.  They're probably not bothering to visit this site and read this blog, but just because I don't see them doesn't mean they don't exist.

I'm happy to give advice, offer my point of view.  But, no matter how successful I might get, I'm still just guessing, still shooting in the dark, still hoping that if I write a story about robot detectives and Cthulhu's less obnoxious cousin that there are enough people out there willing to pay to read it.  But I can never really know until after the fact.

I lament the overwhelming dominance of series fiction in my field and the lack of originality in science fiction / fantasy in general, but I also know that this is a necessary evil.  Nobody (and I do mean nobody) knows what will strike a chord with an audience, and once something does, for whatever reason, it isn't easy to give that up, to risk starting over.  I know because every time one of my new novels comes out, I get a bit nervous, even if I play it cool.

The one thing I do give myself credit (and fault myself for too at the same time) is my willingness to experiment, to try different stuff.  It's allowed me to explore and grow as a writer in a way most writers can't, but it's also given my career a few ups and downs.  I do think that if I wrote sequels or a series, my publishing career would be stronger.  But I also know that by writing different ideas, I was able to get multiple movie options which really, really add a beautiful heft to my paychecks.  So while not writing sequels has (probably) hindered my publishing career, it's also helped it.  And if even one of those movies takes off, I'll get a level of exposure that will vault me into the public eye in a way every writer dreams.

If a movie gets made, I'm golden.

But this was never my plan, and I never would've predicted that my novels about redneck vampires, robot detectives, and reluctant immortals would find any interest in Hollywood.  My success is random, part of a gamble I never even intended.  And it could go away tomorrow.  Yeah, it's a tough biz.

So I can give advice on writing technique.  I can relate my own personal publishing experience.  I can tell you what I like (Godzilla), what I dislike (Frank Miller), my biggest influences (Ducktales), what trends I find disenheartening (zombies), and what trends I find overrated (vampires in high school), and what trends I love (the current boom of wonderful animated films).  And you can take it for what it's worth.

Which, if I may be honest, probably isn't much.  Then again, I'm not sure anyone's is.

But at the very least, I'll endeavor to offer what insight I can, and I'll try to be engaging while doing so.  And if you're looking for a slime monster reference or a robot joke along the way, you could do a lot worse.

Book me at your next event today.  I'm an adequate juggler, and I can make balloon dogs.  I can also talk about Batman for hours and discuss the various plot holes in the Terminator movies.

Let's see a party clown do that.

It's all too easy for me to bemoan the choices of the modern comic book publishers, but sometimes, it's easy to find something to recommend.  Something so original, so interesting, so well executed that it deserves every bit of exposure it can get.  And since I'm a semi-public figure with a modicum of cultural influence, I'd like to go ahead and do what I can.

BEASTS OF BURDEN by DARKHORSE COMICS is a fantastic mini-series that is something like a cross between Benji and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  This alone should be enough to intrigue anyone looking for something different.  But I'll go ahead and share a little more because this isn't an easily defined comic book.

The first issue of Beasts of Burden starts, in many ways, in typical "secret world of animals" conceit.  Then the rain of frogs falls, and the frogs start eating each other.  It only gets weirder from there.  Before you know it, our heroes are tracking down a demon in the woods and . . .well, it'd be a crime to give anything else away.

Beasts of Burden is a difficult book to peg down.  The art is beautiful, but realistic.  Even the expressions of the animals are rarely exaggerated.  Instead, the art usually expresses our heroes emotions via their expected body language.  There might be a hint of a smile or a glint in the eye, but for the most part, this is a very natural looking book.  You might even mistake it for a "Homeward Bound" type story if it wasn't for the weirdness.

But there is weirdness, and it can be surprisingly graphic.  Nothing too shocking (especially in today's modern comics) but there can be blood.  And the second issue features a very dark story.  Things are always tasteful, but that just confuses the issue more.  Is this a horror comic?  A fun animal adventures comic?

Actually, it's both, and while that might be a delicate balancing act, so far the comic has managed to pull it off beautifully.

What is most intriguing about Beasts of Burden though is the way the story is told.  Rather than starting at the very beginning, it seems as if we're thrown in the middle.  One of the dogs has been bitten by a werewolf, we're told.  Another has begun magical training.  Both are important story points.  I'm not sure if I've missed a previous mini-series with these characters or if the writer has just elected to skip the obligatory origin story.  Either way, the backstory is handled well, and it's nice to just get on with it.

It's about dogs and a cat who encounter supernatural weirdness.  It's surprisingly sincere, and it never apologizes.  So Beasts of Burden is a must buy as far as I'm concerned.  So go ahead and run down to your local comic book store and give it a shot because anything this unique deserves all the support it can get.

Hey, do you want to be a scientist, but have no real scientific training?  Do you like spending your nights sitting in dark rooms, asking questions, and looking for cold spots?  Do you want to make a difference in the world but don’t feel like becoming a cop or a social worker?  Good news, everyone!

You can be a ghost hunter!

Ghost hunting is a fun and exciting hobby!  All you need is to read a book with sciencey sounding words, a camera, a willingness to believe in any crackpot “hypothesis” thrown your way, and a near complete lack of common sense.

Ghost hunting is like science!  Except you don’t actually have to know any genuine science.  All you need to know is the ghost hunter basics:

EMF:  Electromagnetic fields are all over the place in today’s modern world.  But in the world of ghost hunting, EMFs get to become portals of wonder.  Why bother with the boring ol’ understanding of sub-atomic particles when you can see the terror of the undead in every jump of the needle?

EVP:  Electronic Voice Phenomena (or EVP as ghost hunters like to call it because A) initials are cool and B) it sounds more sciencetastic) is the capturing of ghostly voices on tape.  If you can listen to hours and hours of tape and still be excited to hear a vaguely recognizable sound then ghost hunting just might be for you.

COLD SPOTS:  Ghosts use energy.  Don’t ask us how we know that.  We just do.  Do you feel that drafty areas are voids of sinister malevolence?  Welcome to ghost hunting.

SHADOWS:  Remember when you were a child, and you’d huddle in your bed, seeing sinister figures in the strange shadows cast on your walls?  Turns out that you were right.  The disembodied dead love to manifest as shadows.  Or lens flares.  Or blurry mists.  Why don’t ghosts become something recognizable?  Because if they did that, anyone could hunt them.  And ghosts like to keep you guessing.

The point is that anything can be a ghost, which makes the ghost hunter’s job all the more challenging and rewarding. 

PSYCHICS:  Not every ghost hunter uses psychics.  The more sciencey teams avoid mediums in hopes of being taken more seriously.  But let’s be honest.  They’re just wasting their time.

Mediums and psychics are a great resource for any ghost hunting team.  Not only do they provide an appropriately spooky feeling, but they also save a lot of time.  Why bother waiting for phenomena when you can just have a psychic announce they have a “bad feeling” or a “weird vibration”?

Don’t know a psychic?  Not a problem.  You might be a psychic yourself.  (Everybody is, according to some reliable sources.)  Here’s a good test.  Think of a color.  Is it blue?  If so, then you’re probably psychic.  If not, don’t worry.  You’re probably psychic too and just having a bad day.

DISCLAIMER:  Ghost hunting is not for everyone.  To be a truly successful ghost hunter, one must be able to assign intelligent agency to any and all events that happen around them, no matter how small or improbable.  This is harder than it sounds.  Until you have proper training, it’s too easy to miss the fantastic supernatural phenomena all around you.  So here’s a simple test to determine if you have the aptitude to hunt ghosts. 

Question 1:  Did your flashlight batteries just die?  Do you think a ghost could be responsible?

Question 2:  Did you feel something cold / hot / itchy on the back of your neck?  Do you think ghosts are responsible?

Question 3:  Do you experience unsettling feelings in dark and spooky locations?

Question 4:  You hear an unexplained noise.  Can you quickly and arbitrarily decide that it is supernatural in origin?

Question 5:  Do you enjoy using the word “energy” a lot?

Question 6:  If someone tells you they’re being menaced by demons, is your first response to hold an exorcism?

Question 7:  Do you just assume that ouija boards can open doorways for evil supernatural “energies”?

Question 8:  Do you really, really like using the word “energy”?  I mean, really, really a hell of a whole lot?

Question 9:  The team psychic tells you they are sensing a spirit named Gary.  Some research confirms that a person named Gary lived in the same neighborhood about a hundred years ago.  Do you find this compelling proof that your psychic is in contact with the other side?

Question 10:  Really.  “Energy”?  Do you like the word?  Do you think you can use it, even when you’re not really sure what it means?  I’m not kidding around here.  If you can’t get behind this word, you aren’t going to make it in the ghost hunter world.  I’m just going to be honest here.

If you answer yes to all of the above questions, you have what it takes to be a ghost hunter.  Please send $5 to your local ghost hunter’s union.  Due to high demand, you’ll have to wait 5 to 12 months for your basic cable television show.  We apologize for the delay.

And let me be the first to wish you good hunting!

Another comic book related post?  Why not?  I'll do my best to keep this short.

I don't buy many comics these days.  But once in a while I stumble upon a treasure, and more often than not, those treasures are found in the all-ages section.  Yesterday, I found three, and here's a brief review of each.

BATMAN: THE BRAVE & THE BOLD #8

"Batman--stop!  Because if you fight the yeti--you fight The Great Ten!"

This is right there on the front covoer of this issue, and this is just a taste of how great this comic is.  Based on the animated Batman: Brave / Bold series with a beautifully retro feel, the premise is all about Batman teaming up with various heroes.  This is not Frank Miller's psychotic killer Batman.  This is closer to Adam West's version.  Except where the Adam West Batman was campy and corny, this is unabashadly surreal.

So in this issue, Batman teams up with three Chinese superheroes to capture a rogue yeti.  And it's brilliant.  Since this is a complete story from start-to-finish, there's not a wasted word or panel here. The dialogue is fantastic.  Here's just one exchange:

BATMAN:  Ah, you're fellow super heroes.

ACCOMPLISHED PERFECT PHYSICIAN:  We prefer the humbler term "functionaries" over "heroes".  We serve our government and protect our country.  That is our duty.  I am known as Accomplished Perfect Physician.

BATMAN:  Did you just say . . . humble?

But all you really need to know is that Batman and some cool Chinese "functionaries" fight some yetis.  And it's swell.

BATMAN: THE BRAVE & THE BOLD #9

Another B&B comic?  Y'betcha.

In this issue Batman teams up with Catman to bust the criminals in Gotham.  There's a twist here that isn't really a twist if you're at all familiar with Catman.  Or even if you're not because this isn't a complicated comic.  But it's fun, and that is the first rule of superheroes as far as I'm concerned.

This one starts with Batman fighting Space Cthulhu, too.  So the whole thing could suck, and it would still be cool.  But it doesn't suck, so that's even better.

MARVEL ADVENTURES SPIDER-MAN #55

This comic is less absurd than the previous Batman comics, but it's still an excellent story with some damn fine art.  I particularly like the interplay between Captain America and Spidey, and this is a fast-paced, well-written, thoroughly enjoyable read.

So there you go.  Some brief reviews.  Hope you enjoyed 'em.

Tonight, a visitor to the DFWWW said she'd found my blog about Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs inspirational.  And can I just say how cool that is?  It's great that something that inspired me lead me to write something that inspired someone else.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I still can't get over the position I find myself in.  People care what I have to say.  My thoughts and opinions, for better or worse, can have an effect on others.  I've been quoted, gang.  In a modern age where anyone with a computer and a blog likes to pretend that everyone in the world hangs on their every word, I have at least a few examples where some random thing I wrote in the middle of the night (like I'm doing right now) got someone's attention.  Hopefully in a good way.

The irony is right now I'm blogging about blogging.  And you're reading my blog about blogging.  Maybe for an extra level of weirdness, you could blog about my blog about blogging someday.

Is there a point to this thing beyond that?  I don't know.  I guess it's more of an observation about the strangeness of my position.  For lack of a better term, I am a (very) minor celebrity, a role-model to some, a devil-may-care rogue to others, a friend to children everywhere (or is that Gamera, the jet powered giant turtle?  I get us confused sometime), a curmudgeon with a heart of gold, a clown with a poet's soul, a dinobot trapped in a human's body, an outlaw hunting outlaws, a dude who could seriously write all the above and expect that more than a few people will actually read it.

Weird.

Stay in school, kids!

Every once in a while a game comes along that challenges everything that game before it.  Simply put:  Scribblenauts is one of those games.  So original, so unusual, so never-done-before that even if it was lousy, it'd still deserve a permanent place in video game history.  But Scribblenauts does not suck.  In fact, it's a damn fine game.

Scribblenauts is for Nintendo DS, and it shows that once again, the most innovative gaming system on the market isn't found in your living room, but in your pocket.  Really, the DS continues to shine.  So much so that I just don't see the point in buying any other system myself.  The DS proves that it's not the hardware that makes a great game (although it is a well-designed system), but the software behind it.  And nowhere is that more obvious than in Scribblenauts.

Okay, okay.  "Get on with it," you're probably saying.  What is it about Scribblenauts that makes it so cool?  And that's where it gets tricky because Scribblenauts is not a game easily categorized because it is its own category.

The basic premise of the game is that you're collecting special starites.  You do this by solving puzzles or navigating simple levels.  This isn't what makes the game cool.  What makes it cool is that you achieve this goal by creating a variety of objects on the fly.  "What kind of objects?" you ask.

Pretty much anything you can imagine.  All you have to do is write down a word, and POOF it appears.  The vocabulary of the game is absolutely immense.  If you can think of it, the odds are that it is in the game.  Using this nearly unlimited tool of your imagination, you can achieve your goal in almost any way.

An example might be clearer.  In one level, a cat is atop a house.  Your goal is to get the cat down to the waiting girl.  Here are just some of the solutions I've employed.

1) Write LADDER.  Use it to climb up and pick up the cat.
2) Write FISH.  Give the fish to the girl.  Cat jumps down.
3) Write MOUSE.  Put the mouse on the ground.  Cat jumps down.
4) Write FIRE.  Set house ablaze.  Cat jumps down.
5) Write BAZOOKA.  Blow up house.  Cat jumps down.
6) Write TRAMPOLINE.  Jump up and pick up cat.
7) Write PEGASUS.  Ride winged horse up to pick up cat.

...and these are just a few of the solutions possible.  I'm sure there are many more.  The only way to "master" a level on advanced mode is to complete it 3 different ways, using different objects every time.

Lest you think all the solutions are this easy, I'm still working on figuring out many of the levels.  Although a game like this isn't about difficulty, but imagination and novelty.  The title screen acts as a sandbox-style default where you can just throw all sorts of ideas together.  The fun at first is seeing if you can outsmart the game by thinking of something it isn't ready for.  While it's possible to end up with something a little different than you expected, it is really unusual to draw a complete blank.  And often, the game will surprise you with its attention to detail.  This is a game that knows there's a difference between a T-rex and an allosaurus.  And if you're wondering if there's a big difference between a regular devil and the fabled Jersey Devil, this game will assure you that indeed there is.

Chupacabra, Cthulhu, Tank, Flamethrower, Forest, Machinegun, Yeti, Bigfoot, Ghost, Wraith, Zombie, Ghoul, Sword, Castle, Apartments, Mall, Skyscraper, Kracken, Skateboard, Butler, Fairy.  This is just a small sampling of random words that I've created either to solve a level or just for fun.  And here's where I draw the strangest comparison in any game I've ever played.

Scribblenauts reminds me of Colorforms.  Am I the only one who remembers these things?  You get a simple background and apply reusable sticky images to create scenes.  I had a big Smurf Coloforms set when I was a kid, and I loved it.  I even did my own Do-It-Yourself Colorform with paper, scissors, dinosaurs, and double-sided tape.  And now, my Colorform joy is back in this handy little game.

Maybe I'll craft my own little city.  Or I'll design my own dinosaur park.  Or maybe I'll just pit Cthulhu against wave after wave of werewolves.  Whatever strikes my fancy.  This alone would probably make the game worthwhile, but there is actually a challenging game here as well.

Will you love Scribblenauts?  I can't guarantee that.  It's too bizarre, too unusual for easy comparisons.  But this is a game that almost deserves to be bought just because it is so fascinating and unique.  Or not.  Ultimately, if the idea sounds interesting to you, then it's probably worth checking out.

Saw Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs today.  Damn good movie.  Really.  Fun.  Exciting.  Funny as heck, with multilayered writing and a terrific energy.  I really, really enjoyed it.  I think Cloudy just might be my favorite disaster movie.

Every time an animated movie like this comes out, I reflect on my own goals as a writer.  Because, when you get right down to it, this is the stuff that I love.  This is the stuff that I aspire to write.  I've admitted it before (and I'm sure I'll admit it again in the future), but this is what I want to create with my own work.

While other writers might aspire to achieve the fame of Hemmingway, the skill of Steinbeck, the paycheck of Rowling, I want to write the next Kung Fu Panda.  In novel form, of course.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about my own pretentions is that I aspire to have fun.  But I don't think fun is automatically mindless or that dull is automatically mature.  Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is an incredibly fun movie, full of life and joy, and it manages to be both absurd and touching at the same time.  Yes, I said it.  I cared about these characters and their personal struggles.  And, yes, these characters do indeed have a surprising amount of depth and personality.  Even the monkey.

So damn it, I am going to just accept this.  I am going to embrace it.  If this is the writer I am, then I see no shame in that.  Fun, thoughtful, absurd, fantastic adventure is my genre.  It's who I am.

Your average comic book fan might go on and on about Watchmen or Killing Joke.  I'll stick with Walt Simonson's Mighty Thor and Red 5's Atomic Robo.  Film scholars will discuss the subtleties of Chinatown and Schindler's List, but I can pass half-an-hour easy explaining just how awesome The Incredibles and Monsters, Inc. are (although that should be obvious to anyone with a lick of sense).  And I'll take the Godzilla saga over the Godfather saga anyday.

I'd feel awkward about it, but I'm making a pretty good living doing this.  So if these are my influences then they've done me good.  A humble novelelogist couldn't ask for anything more.