You are full of questions about life, people, and your own potential. You spend more time than others imagining the possibilities for your life — and you're open to things others are too afraid to consider.

You have an almost physical need to know and do more. It's only through new experiences that you feel a greater understanding of yourself and the world. You also have a rebellious streak that shows up when you feel unable to truly influence the world or circumstances around you. Your appetite for novel experiences also shows an openness others don't have, but wish they did.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

 

So Audrey is a huge fan of American Idol. We rooted for Taylor Hicks last year after Chris Daughtry was voted off, but Taylor was always our number 2 from day one. We were glad when he won. Tonight he played the House of Blues in Hollywood. So we went and got dinner, the waiter gave some of the best service I have had in a long time. Then we went to the concert, thinking there would be little hope of getting Audrey to a spot that she could see, despite my skills at working my way to the front of a crowd. We made it to the front side. The only spot kids could see do to the beracades nearly 4 1/2 - 5 feet tall. Security was cool and let Audrey and some other kid past them to sit down, as there were benches on the other side of the beracades. The show was not my thing but the guy can sing, I will give him that. The sound engineer was crappy, I can only hope he was a house engineer and not a touring one. The bass player was passionate as all hell, amazing. The guitarist kept making eye contact with me to the point of being uncomfortable. He also looked like he needed a nap or serious coffee but he was good. The rest were just there. Taylor Hicks however is a great showman. Before the encore, he did a silly dance and scooted off the stage. He then saw Audrey and her sign and the other little girl she was with and grabbed their hands and mine as well as the other kid's mother's hand. I thought that was sweet. I must say that man has the softest hands of anyone that I have felt in forever. He seriously must use gallons of the best lotion known to man. He was so cool. He gave another kid his harmonica, who was on the other side of the stage. Audrey had a cool make-shift sign saying "I love Taylor", made out of a menu, and it was noticed by Taylor a few times, as well as others in the crowd. After the show many people asked if she was the little girl with the sign, and took pictures of her, it was adorable. LOL I preffered if Audrey's sign said "I love hicks", as I thought it would be funny. But no, so it is ok. It was a good show, a lot of energy. A lot of older middle aged women, one annoying drunk one in particular bumping into me. But it was fun. I am glad I went. I was suppose to work, but I asked for the night off. To me things like this are more important, especially when they are all about creating childhood memories for my daughter. Those are the few times I will call off work, when there are very important things going on concerning my daughter or my mother. So the show was good, the experience was good. The house of lues food was ok. The service was great. All around fun. The valet took forever though, not cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo46GTIZMKw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDh5eoiRJlk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkkzNa2nlZI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0

This is my tribute to the troops. Just a collection of videos I found. I vow to somehow make it up in some way. For all they do. I do not agree with the war at all, I do not agree with our polotics, but as I have said, I do support the troops. I want them all home, but right now they just can not come home. Until the fight is over I will have all of them in my thoughts, I will think of all the wives, children, parents, friends, family and how they are alone and missing their soldiers. I will think of the great sacrifices we all have to endure as Americans with loved ones off fighting, as well as the brave men and women who fight. I just wish there was some way all of this would end forever. War is terriable for everyone, and the casualties are far more vast then a body count. The souls shattered, the hearts broken, the lives left on hold just waiting for a sign that this will all end. I suppose war has happened since the begining of time, but I would love for just once there to be peace everywhere. Even if for a short while. So thank you to all of you troops. You mean a lot to me, and to my personal favorite, Jhon, David, Daniel I really respect you guys. David I especially love you, without you I would have been lost long ago, thank you for always loving me.

I am doing a happy dance. My bestest best friend, who I compare almost all people and friendships to, sorry it is true, is home!! He is not home long at all, but any time is ok with me. Nothing in the world makes me happier aside from Audrey then seeing David. I am thrilled, so I am patiently waiting until I can get hugs, and see mister wonderful, my loyal ally. YAY Ok sorry that was lame, but YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY Words can not describe my excitement, and happiness. I truelly love my best friend, as he is the one person who I know I can always rely on, who will always be there for me, and he is noble, imagine that, a guy with a heart and some balls. Kick ass. So I am happy.

I had two dreams, because I woke up and went back to sleep then had another dream. But the dream I remember was so  vivid, it was odd. Vivid mostly in emotional impact and color.

It started with a middle aged woman who was a little chinky with a mild mid western or southern accent. She has somewhat curly hair that was a light brownish red. Her home was being gutted and remodeled. It was shown from an aireal view and in a bluprint style. Shown as a computer generated model of the basic layout to start with and then the completion. I can not recall the basic layout, but all I recall is that it was plain and boring. It was a large square shaped 2 story home. The home was turned into a victorian themed home. The woman was complaining about the location of a couch and how it blocked something, I think a window, it was at the front og the home near the front door and facing the rear of the home. The staircase also went from the front door to the rear of the home and was in the center of the home, the top of the staircase hit the center of the top floor perfectly. There seemed to be 4 large rooms at least on the top flor. But the woman was really complaining about the staircase and where it should be in the house. In the dream the CGI turned theblueprint of the stairs to the right so as you entered the home, you turned right to go up stairs and the stiarcase was in the very front of the home. Still not creating a hallway that the woman wanted. Then She spoke of really likeing the cabinets along the wall paralleling the staircase. They were in a cascade pattern along the staircase and in a mutted olive green. Made out of what looked like ome planked type of wood with iron handles. As you looked to the trim of the walls and staris there was a floral wallpaper boarder and a gold metal boarder. Almost like moulding but it was more like a banister, much like the legs to the grill on the gate to my fireplace at home. Like little golden metal legs, they were not flush with the wall. Then from that the dream jumped to focus on a little bird. This is where the emotion part gets intense...

There was this bird, it was dark blue, like a bluejay. It had brown feathers, that almost looked like really long strips of leather but were like eyelashes, all around the birds etes, which were like small black beads. The bird was small like a sparrow and had a beak much like them but a little thinner and longer. The bird was able to communicate, but not typical of any bird. It was emotionally able to communicate, almost as if it could talk, it was very bonded to me. I really loved this bird and it really loved me, but much like the love between family or a parent and child, deep lasting love. I was talking to the bird, or some form of communication and commented that the bird needed a bath as it looked dusty. It looked really dirty. The impression was the this was the only bird of it's kind and was a few hundred years old. But the bird had been awoken somehow, so it was the last of it's kind who vanished a few hundred years prior. So I remeber asking this bird, who by the way had a cage but was not in it, if it wanted a bath, some water on it's feathers. And it did not want to do that. It seemed afraid of the water or something. So it then flew out the window to a patch of small delicate pink flowers across an alleyway. A concrete alley with phone poles and such. But was drawn towards the random flowers. I remember feeling scared that the bird was gone forever, that it would not come back. Then it flew back to my finger, but was smouldering, a spark somehow hit it, and the tip of it's wings were smouldering. I tried to touch then and put it out, but nothing then I blew on then and touched them again and nothing. I looked into the birds face again, and got the feeling of deep love. Then it started to burn away like a cigarette. I saw the tobacco like brown fiber, as it's body burned like a pile of twigs. I tried frantically to save it, then it just buned away until I was left rubbing the cigarette like fiber and ashed between my thumb and forefinger of my left hand. Devestated. Then Andy and Audrey came ouside to the alley way area, which had turned into an area with a few cars parked, like a carport, with a grassy feilded area infront of it, much like a large lawn. Then all sorts of birds, mainly parrot looklig ones, some deep green, some black, some gray, all flew onto the grass and started to eat it, there was something there they really wanted, some seed. I specifically remember they were after some seed. I asked Andy where the blue bird had come from and he said the desert. But somewhere by his brother near Utah, but upon looking at a map in my mind it was on the nevada/california boarder in the dessert, yet I remember somehow large pine trees and hills being there. I remember looking through all these exotic birds to find any that were like the bird that turned to ashes, but there were none, and they were all ordinary typical birds, none like the special bird that died. I remember thinking t was remeniscant of the book the little prince. The phrase there is only one like it in all the world, was what struck home and hit the closest to my heart. And I remembered the loving look in the birds eyes and how I just wanted to wash it and the leathery looking strips that were like eyelashes. It was very odd. So that was my dream last night.

 

I am sure the idea has been tossed around a bit over the years. But I would love a reunion with some of the bands I use to like. Alleycat scratch, Big Bang Babies, Spiders & Snakes (rip Leigh Lawson), Candycane Lane, Heart Throb Mob, Foxy Roxx, Hanky Panky, Queeny Blast Pop, The Fizzy Bangers, etc.

I would love this idea preferably at the Roxy, as there were many good memories there. I am curious if I can get some of those bands to preform and try to get all original members or as close to it as possible. Is anyone in with me to try to make this happen?

I am willing to put a lot of time and effort into such a thing. But I would need to know that people would be interested in something like this. I would say perhaps a year down the road to solidify any plans, including contacting bands, advertising, and letting people plan on coming out here for a show like this.

If anyone has any ideas please give me your opinion or ideas. I would love to see some old faces.

"I want to swim away, but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean. Let the waves up take me down. Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah. Let the rain of what I feel right now come down, let the rain come down."  - OK Had to have a quote for randomness, that was a quote from "Into the Ocean" by Blue October. It is on my other page.

So onto baby Jesus...

So I was out yesterday shopping for decorations and such. I found some cool wreaths, and got one with cool berries, pinecones and twigs, that look like dead branches. Got a very victorian looking Christmas tree topper, woo hoo and she is blue, kick ass.

So wandering all over town and looking for holiday decoartions. I realised they were all sold out of garlands and basic decorations, on Dec. 3rd? Very odd, but seeing Christmas decorations are sold immediately after Halloween it makes sense. But I really need to get on the ball I guess to not be left out by December 3rd. LOL

Now we all know Christmas is now more about a cooprorate money machine then it is about the holdiay itself. So there are tons of Santa products. But not a singel nativity set. Now I am not talking a huge tacky decoration for a massive front yard. I am speaking of the basic table top nativity set with the 3 wise men, Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus. But nooo nothing. I found a flag, one damn ugly flag. So no thanks.

Now if you know me, you know I am very open on my beleifs of religion and people and culture. I can get into how the Christmas tree was a pagen thing, and how decorating trees came about and so on.  Relatively speaking the idea of all of the Christmas stuff as it is now is about a little over 100 years old in it's current traditional state. But I see it changing.

No baby Jesus, but lots of Santa Claus. Now Santa, Satan, hmm close huh lol. In a red suit, flying hooved animals as transportation,  lies to kids etc, lol. Amusing observation. So isn't Christmas suppose to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, according to Christian beleif, the savior of Christina people? How is it a fat man in a red suit overrides the holiday meant to be for a savior of the Christian people? Very strange. It is as if the original meaning is lost. Now I preffer Yule, by far much more grandure and passion, but I also am cool with the Christian beleifs of the holiday. So no baby Jesus stuff. Am I the only one to notice this? Where did Jesus go, and when did he get removed from the Christmas tradition? I suppose it can be time for some change, but hell why not some holiday incorporating, Yule, Christmas, Haunnika(spelling check please), and Kwanza (whatever the hell that is), and possibly any other random thing we can think of that fits in this time of year. I will be fine with that too. My daughter even asked to celebrate Haunikka too as her good friend is Jewish. I would let her if her but I have no idea of the customs and figure it might be sort of blasphemous and inappropriate. But seeing I belive in teaching her about all people and cultures and make a point of her knowing the importance of all of these things to many people and for many different reasons, it seems fitting to some degree if she chose to want to celebrate that holiday or any for that matter.

So where can I get a nativity set?

Also am I the only one to notice people get aggressive and mean during the holidays. From duking it out for the right gift, to road rage and parking lot disasters, to long lines, and bratty children screaming. Really that whole rat race drives me nuts, but it is fun to some degree. Now it is well known in Southern California that it never snows, in the city of Los Angeles, we drive to the hills for the snow and a lot of the time it is man made, strange concept for many I am sure. Well I love the weather here, but it does take a bit away from the holiday feel. My best winter times were spent in Prescott, Arizona and San Fransisco. The bridges and buildings and water look so pretty decorated, the fog adds mystery and a nice feel, in San Fransisco. Granted it can get chilly and unplesant but I like it there. As for Prescott, it was awesome. Snowed on New Years morning. For me it was like wow what a way to wake up. I ran outside immediately and I am sure people thought I was insane, but I am not use to snow so I was thrilled to see it falling and go play in it. It was not aweful snow either, just a dusting, seeing small patches on the side of the road added a lot to the holiday season for me. I recall fond memories of that place. I even had a count Dracula as my Christmas tree angel lol. Funny.

I like the festive winter season but living in it would kill me. I recall Utah and being there last thanksgiving, and how I loved the cold. It was much different then the cold in Los Angeles, where the weather can change in temperature quite a bit from daytime to nightime. Remember it is a desert, just with a lot of irrigation. I loved the dark star lite skies, and flocks of deer running through the ward, burning wood in the fireplace, my fireplace is gas, no wood for me, lol. There is something about solitary creepy environments that you can just relax in, even in the freezing cold. Utah is a beautiful but creepy place with all the rocks. But it truelly is something out of a postcard. I loved it. The rocks and so on freak me out, lets not mention I am deathly afraid of heights and totally paranoid of freak accidents like getting attacked by wild animals like mountian lions and falling off cliffs.

In yosemite I had to worry when I was chased by raccoons, I thought it was a bear and scared to death, I had never been so scared of dying by freak radom animal attack.

So that is my rant. Ahh Also Arizona is cheap, I could probably save money by flying there shopping and bringing it all home, if I choose to do some massive shopping, I suppose one day I will do that. Well Prescott that is. So I am done with my rant, I think. I typed something similar yesterday but was unable to post it.

Mainly this is about holiday stuff.
People getting crazy and mean.
Where is the world is Baby Jesus?
Why is Santa so popular?
What is Kwanza, anyhow?
Favorite places to enjoy Christmas.
So now I want to go snowboarding and throw snowballs. Anyone up for the challange of me kicking your butt with smow balls?

"Hey these may be the final words
We may ever get to say
So let's not worry about small regrets
It's too late for that anyway

Hey you eternal optimist
Have you still not had enough?
No place left to hang your trust
Shattered illusions fade to dust

If you could show me a true sign
That shining light that leads me down
A path I'd been in search of former life
I never saw but should have known

Hey you melancholy clown
Tell me how the story ends
Will it become another tragic tale
or nothing left here to retent

An ironic twist of fate
A scary view so far away
Yet I search the gray tomorrow
And wonder where you've gone
Some doors are better left unopened
Some things are better left unseen
Once you set it all in motion
Things will never be the same

Never be the same"

 

This is one of my favorite songs.

So I had a kid want to add me and we exchanges a few emails. He said he was 19 but looked 12, upon further inspection he was 15, and lived in some butt fucked place in Arizona I belive. Here are the emails to show the idoicy of some people...

 

This was in comment to the pic posted on my page with Dani Filth in the comment section. His first comment was "wow that guy really looks like Dani Filth" my thought "well no duh, because it is you moron" his email to me said this...

"to be honest.

i know he fixes his vocals when recording.

becuz while live.


they sound horrible.

anyways..

yeahh.. im young. "

My response....

"Many artists when recording add effects and alter their voices as well as instruments, this is common in all styles of music."

Kids email to me...

"im bored listening to the same bands over and over.
panzer-ag.
combichrist.
icon of coil.
<3 andy.

psyclon nine.
god module.
zeromancer
wumpscut
i need some new techno bands..."

Me:

uhm honey those are not at all techno bands. I can give advice on some techno but that is not techno at all. As for Andy he is great, very talented indeed. But I know what you are saying. hmm try www.myspace.com/fortification 55 they are great, and amazing guys. Give me a genere. I like Code 64 and Colony 5, they are great bands, also Rotersand are good as well. They all have myspace accounts.

Kid:

Then he sends some email about how he feels like I am making him feel stupid.

My response:

"Hun I am not trying to make you feel stupid, not at all. But there is nothing at all techno about those bands. It is industrial. Electronica possibly because of the instruments used but not really as that is usually quite different, but for lack of a better term you can use electronica, but that usually means strictly electronic, no vocals, different beats. Industrial has many sub-genres but it is what it is Industrial. The bands I suggested you listen to are Ebm/Industrial.


panzer-ag. (Industrial)
combichrist. (Industrial)
icon of coil. (Industrial/EBM)
<3 andy. (multi-talented man into several styles)

psyclon nine. (Industrial)
god module. (Industrial)
zeromancer (haha music, Rock/ poser Industrial)
wumpscut (Industrial) "

Kid:

"hon.
ur confused on ur genres.
although
ur a little older than me.

and im not sure if u r a lady or a man...

ur pro says man.

if u r man.
WOW.

if u r a lady.
wooo

haha.


industrial
is like Rammstein.
Crossbreed.
NIN
Manson.

bands that use synths in thier music
but also alot of heavy guitar

those bands have no guitars "

Me:

"haha you are funny. I am not at all confussed on my genres. Manson is a poser, shock rock. I know music well it is my passion, it has been my passion for years and I completely am aware of what I am speaking of. My pro says man as it is a joke, I am not a man nor am I from Tajikistan. It says that to see if people read this and to discourage random annoyances, such as yourself. My pro also says I am a 1'9" black muslim man who is a body builder. This I am not. 

Haha Industrial can be rammstein but oh darling that is much more rock, it is not hard core industrial, it only falls into the category of industrial haha if you have no other option, but trust me that is a very fine line. But that is like saying Manson is goth, and oh dear god, that can not be farther from the truth, he is so ungoth it is unreal. Crossbreed, whoever that is, NIN is industrial yes, but Skinny Puppy is more old school and hard core, KMFDM those types. Manson haha is not INDUSTRIAL or GOTH, he is rock, like shock rock, like Alice Cooper, ever hear of him? He himself never claimed to be goth, or industrial, as a matter of fact there is nothing industrial about manson, nothing at all, and goth well he is not that either. Again I highly encourage you to view my page for bands/people and ask them personally about their musical taste, styles, influences, etc, and most of all what they consider their musical genre. Haha also hun you need to get to a show a real show and see a live concert and know the bands, I have yet haha to find any real industrial band with guitars, mainly all use electronic stuff, very few use guitars, skinny puppy, kmfdm, and oh about no others lol. Very very few use guitars, as amatter of fact the running joke in the scene is anything with guitars is metal, or poser music. Now I am not a fool and know some bands have guitar but very few, and i mean very very few. No what other illogical stuff do you want to throw my way? How about Henry Rollins being the original Black Flag singer. Yeah test me, I know exactly what I am speaking of. I am sorry you run into many foolish posers in myspace and all over the world, but I am not one of them.

Kid's response:

"WHY DO U WRITE SO MUCH!!

christfuck!!!

haha "

My final response to hin:

"I write because I speak truthfully, and with education and knowledge behind it. As for the Christfuck comments that is so lame. I almost forgot to laugh. Well run along and for the sake of humanity please do not bother me. I tried to be cool to you. But you are some super stupid poser kid, who I am sure is generally interested in the music and so on, but to confuse a poser with a person who is not was sadly your downfall. Research your info before you speak out of your butt again, thanks. "

 

 

Sorry this was long but it was well worth the rant, so can all stupid kids please be taught correctly or do not speak to me as if I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. Geee Lame retarded posers drive me nuts.  If you are equally as dumb as this kid please do us all a favor and do not procreate, and please please please go back to your Britney Spear and Insane Clown Possie albums, and leave me the hell alone.

Born from silence, silence full of it
A perfect concert my best friend
So much to live for, so much to die for
If only my heart had a home

Sing what you can't say
Forget what you can't play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody

Never sigh for better world
It's already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night

Wrote for the eclipse, wrote for the virgin
Died for the beauty the one in the garden
Created a kingdom, reached for the wisdom
Failed in becoming a god

Never sigh for better world
It's already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night

"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry the one without tears
For I've given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother's lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"

"Teach me passion for I fear it's gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I'm sorry
Time will tell [this bitter farewell]
I live no more to shame nor me nor you

And you... I wish I didn't feel for you anymore..."

A lonely soul... An ocean soul...

Musically the things I like

I was into glam rock as a kid, if you want to go way back to a small kid, I sadly have to admit I liked New Kids on the Block, go ahead make fun of me now. I was about 10. But at 10 I was also into The Cure and George Micheal as well as all the kiddy junk like Debbie Gibson, yet still into the glam rock of the 80's. Like poison. Then 11 years old and on I ditched the pop junk like NKOTB and so on, and focussed more on the glam rock and what was then called Alternative, which now has a completely different meaning, not to be confussed with anything labeled as Alternative after Nirvana hit.

Do not get me wrong Nirvana was a good band, but killed Glam rock, to some of you this is great news, but for me it was not. Over night I saw the glam scene die, well in about 3 months, from massive to nothing, so sad.

Then about 14 I got way more into the gothic stuff, thanks to an unber goth boyfriend. So about 14-17 I was into both Glam and Goth, though spent more time in the glam scene, around those bands and such and had blonde hair, red hair, etc. Then after 17, I was raped and tried to avoid the scene that I was in at the time, since the scumbag hung out in that scene, much to my dismay he also hung out in the goth scene but on a much rarer frequency. So that is when I sort of ditched that scene or started to. I still went to shows and so on, but after my friend Leigh died when I was about 21-22 I left completely. There were few band I really cared much to see, and those I did and still would not mind to see, seemed to get in the way of other things. Lets not mention my social anxiety and how going and being anywhere alone would really suck, not knowing anyone is just totaly crappy. So I am still into going to that if I knew people and there was a band I would like to see or one that I would like to find out about, assuming they do not suck.

So now I mainly socialise with the industrial/ebm/goth groups. But I feel the need to associate with all.

Like my metal friends, hello all of you, I have not forgotten about you. I need to regroup with them, ala a trip to the rainbow, some shows perhaps etc. Even a visit with my longtime ex Tom, the metal head with waist-length blonde hair, the one who is good friends with my brother now. We actually get along well now, 5 years after the break up, how odd the way things like that work. We make great friends but lousy partners, 2 years of ups and downs, with a long departure, but a good friendship. I have ben meaning to hang out with him, but we seem to have disaggreances on what platonic means, so until that is solved our meetings will have to be in very public locations, like a concert.

So to those friend not in the old circles I use to associate with, I am trying to make time to see all of you, where it will come from I do not know, but I am thinking of you guys. To friends like Sandi and Tony and Timmy, who are out of state, I love you guys, my glam rock buddies. I just get too busy and digging through this friends list takes forever, but I promise to find you guys and say hi and maybe someday plan a meeting. Tony and Sandi, email me, I want to talk to you guys. Timmy, call me or I will have to drag your girlfriend and me on planes to come kick your butt.

Posted By:If there's an upside to freefalling...

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

www.myspace.com/blueoctober   This band is great. The band name took me a while to get, but the song is great. A rock band from Texas, with a powerful, aggressive, and emotional edge. I was moved by the passion in this song.

 

This video is a little off in sync but it great, enjoy...

 

http://www.allmusicvideocodes.com">

Music Video Codes

Those who I love dearly...

Kyle Parkinson -

Thoughsometimes I question your love and devotion. I know deep inside that you love me and would do anything for me, you have proven it many times. This does not discount the many times I feel like strangleing you, but all around I should give you more credit then I do. Oh yeah and I do love you for more then your uhm yeah "little friend".  You are a good guy with a good heart, just different then me and sometimes that is hard to understand. But I do love you deeply, my adorable red head. *kiss* 

Jan  Kruse  -

Well Jan you are by far one of my most favorite people. I wish I could spend every moment with you, and anyone who knows me knows while I have moments of desireing lots of time with a person, for the most part that gets old, and I do not like to spend copious amounts of time with anyone, besides my daughter. So Jan, I love you for your heart and soul. You make me laugh and smile all the time. I can never seem to get you out of my head and heart. You are a perfect angel and I adore you. *menno*

Benn Ra  -

Though we do not speak often. I truelly value your friendship. You have always been there for me and been completely unconditional in your friendship. Lets not mention how much you make me laugh. I forever will treasure your friendship.

Xavier  - 

Well Xavi you are my little munchkin, so kind and sweet. You are family to me, truelly a gem. Someone I will forever know. So adorable and beautiful, you are innocent and refreshing. You have such a pure heart and soul, and that I adore about you, and well you are the only person aside from family that I let call me Mandy. It is cute when you say it, everyone else must die, and Mandy is fighting words basically. So I adore you for being such a pure soul.

David Mayer  -

You will likely never read this, but I love you for so many reasons, you are my very best friend. You put up with a lot of crap from me, I was very mean, yet you put up with it. You taught me a lot about myself and how to treat people, friendships, love, life, etc. You have been a great teacher and a loyal ally. Though sometimes I am annoyed by you and your military career, I know that you truelly love me and will forever be there for me. Even if war and the army keeps you physically far from me, you never will leave my side. I only wish you stayed a civilian, but had you done that I likely would still have been mean to you and never learned the things that I have, as well as known how wonderful you and your love truelly are.

Laura

You have always been so kind. When things were very shitty in my life, you went way out of your way to make sure I was ok. You have such an amazing kindness and genuine concern, I am so greatful for you.

Dani  (east LA)

I am greatful for your kindness upon my return from San Diego and time in Long Beach for one month. I am greatful to you and your mom for all of your help and support, without you guys I would never have gotten as far as I have since then. I still have a lot of work to do, but that was a very low point in my life when I really needed a friend and support and you and your mom and family were there for me. I forever will treasure and value that deeply.

Keith

You have always been supportive, and generous, and kind. You give so much more then you get back from people. You are a kind and amazing person. I am so greatful to know you. There are so many things that are great about you that I could be here forever. But I have the flu so I want to make this quick.

Gina

Oh how I miss you, one of my best female friends. You my dear are fun, beautiful and sweet. I miss you so much and want you back in Cali. You and I have shared a lot of similar things that very few people could ever relate to. You make me feel like it is ok to be me, and that you too have been through many of the things I have. We share a very similar life experience and soul. Though we live our experiences 3,000 miles apart from one another now. You have always been a great friend, and I love you dearly, you truelly are my sister from a different family. Besides we are both serious Europhiles. (for those who do not know, do not confuse this with any other Phile issue. It is Euro-Phile. We have an unusually strong and sick fascination with Europeans, they are amazing, gorgeous and their accents ahhh are wonderful.

My sons adoptive parents

I shall not say your name. I am not sure if you read these, but if you ever find this, know that I love you and respect you both so much. More then anyone I have ever met. You are perfect parents for my son, and more then I ever could have dreamed of. I am so greatful and look foward to the day that we can again share conversations and hugs and so on. When that time comes though the roles will be reversed, I will be the one who was once in your shoes as adoptive parents. We share an amazing bond, and expereince, one I never hoped to face. But I did and only with your support and love was I able to make the best descision in my entire life. Only with people like you have I seen things for what they are and dreamed things I never imagined were possible. You truelly are a miricle to me, and to our wonderful son. Keep him well and love him a little more just for me.

Many others are out there, but I have a terriable cold and should get rest so I can try to work tomorrow. But This will be added to. I posted this in hopes that the people included in here know how I feel. And so others may too express how they feel and why. It is very important that you express everything in your heart mind and soul, let people know exactly how you feel, all the time, as you may never get that chance again.

To those who have passed into a differnet realm

Leigh, Tony, Vadim, Jesse, etc, you all mean a lot to me. Jesse was a good friend, got consumed by drugs and turned into someone I hated at the time of her death, but looking back, her and I had fun, and she was a smart and cool person. 

Vadim   Oh you my dear I will never get over. You loved me more then I have ever been loved. But I doubted you as well as so much. Distance killed us, but that is part of life. I am so greatful for knowing you and learning so much. I never will feel alone because people like you, Bart Skwarczynski, Neal Larson, Tim Burke, etc existed at one point in my life. The people we spoke of who forever change your outlook on life and better you as a person. You taught me so much and brought me closer to so many people. I forever will think of you and love and miss you. Even in all the bad, I am still so very very greatful for knowing you. Thank you so much for being so real and true, there will never be anyone like you.

Tony   My first close friend to die, I was so young, we both were. But you showed me a relationship with your mother that I admired. You showed me a lot of things about family bonds and being a good person. I was 14 when you died, so there was not much time that we had. But being so young, in a club scene you always looked out for me, I felt you really did care about me as a person, I miss you and have never forgotten about you. I play your image over and over again in my mind, and still have magazine atricles about you, tucked in a box. The paper is crumpleing, yellow and fading, but you will never fade from my heart and mind.

Leigh    Ahh Leigh was one like David who fought for my attention and I likely would not have been the aggressor. Leigh was always the perfect gentleman, always kind and generous to the ladies, but not a womaniser. Leigh was funny and dedicated. Someone who woul drop everything to go help any friend in need. He was talented, a hard worker, a great guy. He brought Nina and Chris togeather, who are still togeather after so many years. Leigh was amazing, and a protector. I have a very treasured photo of me and Leigh, when I was about 18 or 19. He was pretty strong and had large arms, and he hugged me in this photo and it looked as it he were craddleing a delicate flower, something so precious. He was my protector, in so many ways. That photo was just an example of it. Leigh shared a lot with me, and was so excited about so many things. He had a lot of love and wisdom. I forever will love and miss Leigh as he taught me the value of perseverance, dedication, loyalty and hard work.

There are many more to leave mention to, but again I am tired and have a bad cold, and so on. But this is just to note those who mean a lot to me. If you are not on here it does not mean I do not care or care less, it just means I have not gotten around to you, or hmm perhaps do not know what to say. But if you think you should be here, you likely should. If not then, it just means you do not mean a lot to me. It does not mean I do not care or hate you, it just means I am indifferent or have not figured out your importance in my life and so on.

I find some more peace this morning, while getting ready for work. I change my desktop daily. I found a great pic of Vadim and Marianna, I will use that as my motivation today. I hope she is ok, as things seem hard for her. But I know Vadim is our strength and inspiration.

I am a little more content, I know he is gone but his loved ones fail to let his memory die. He was so amazing. I someday will find friends like him, if not I will remember the love he gave me. I will remember the gifts of joy and love he shared with me. I remember our conversations and time togeather, and despite it all how much fun we had, and the bond we shared. I will live life in a manner that I know Vadim would be proud of. His thoughts and views are not dead, they live on through everyone who loved him.

I miss him dearly, but I know this is how it is meant to be. I have peace knowing he is not suffering, and not faceing some of the trial he faced in life. I forever will miss him, but as the days go by it gets a little easier. Though there is so much I wish I said and did, I really wish life went down a different road. But I am glad we made our peace. I am glad we served large purposes in eachothers lives and realised it while we were both able to express it. Vadim really helped me through a lot and listened when I felt nobody else did. I remember countless hours talking about my deepest fears, and most passionate loves. Vadim gave me the same hope and inspration I gave him. He went against the rules, and did what was true to his heart. Including time spent with me. I am greatful, I just wish we had more time, I wish I said so many things that I never had the chance to say. But I loved, and that is the best thing. I loved and was loved. I had an amazing friendship and for that I am greatful. If I never meet anyone close to him, and never a friend that close to me who truelly understands me, I will be fine ith that, knowing that I once had that and know that someone once was there, who really knew so much. So I am at more peace. I am greatful for what I had, no hard feelings. Just like a bee sting, it hurts, but I will fight on. I want to thank Vadim for the many ways he impacted my life for the better. I love you and miss you my precious friend. You really were one of the best people I ever knew, thank you. RIP Vadim