Coming home is weird.

 This is my house. My key still fits in the lock. The familiar sound of the dryer greeted me. My pictures are still displayed, right where I left them. Lots of things are right where I left them...

But the calander hasn't been changed since the day I left. It still says August 13. A few of my things are missing, moved, waiting for a new permanent spot I can call home. The air smells different in here.

Right away I plop my things on the kitchen table and carry on like I had never left. But I take my keys with me to keep them safe. What the hell is going on here!? How can a place so comfortable be so foreign? I feel like I can't breathe. This place was mine and it was taken away from me. But I can still reach for something and its there. ugh.

I looked at an apartment today and the crushing reality of moving on hit me. It was so small there. I have a huge house with a yard, and now I must edit my life to fit in a tiny little room. Makes my head hurt.

This is so wrong, but it can't be another way.

I guess in the end you start to think about the begining.

I don't even know what I have to get out now, but there is something there and it hurts so much I don't even want it anymore. I was thinking a lot in the car as I was driving down here. I was thinking about how hard I imagine it would be for him to forget about me. I am all over the house and his body (yes I paid for almost of one of your tattoos). I was thining about all these stupid special monments in our lives that will be meaningless soon. maybe they are already.

We changed. not as two individuals, but as a whole. Its not a circle anymore but more of a lumpy kidney bean or something stupid, doesnt' matter. I want to much to be like we were but I don't think we were ever really happy. I knowI was never the perfect woman and certainly not the perfect woman for him.  Not even decent. I feel like he always wanted me to be different from what I was but I guess you really can't change whats deep down. And that makes me wonder if this marriage is worth saving at all then!

But then I think...... I don't want to    I don't know.... I feel like there is nothing out there that will be good for me. I'm so scared to change what I have. I don't really want to. Today I started to realize that maybe I could get through this and leave and be strong. Then I see one stupid little note from years ago that says

<3 always

in his handwriting and I think that's what you were supposed to do! always. is what you promised and thats what I expected, unfuckingconditional.

i had a thought before too, that they say love isn't supposed to hurt. But to feel pain is to really know you're alive. Maybe it should then.

I just want it to stop. I do think crazy things sometimes...... but I want to be responsible for my own self and everything I have.I don't want to make anyome clean up my messes. (I'm trying so hard to become better, I hope you can see that) It seem slike so many people are ready to help me and take me in, but its hard to not feel like a jerk for sitting in the coffee shop for an hour while they're closed just cause you have nowhere to go. I just want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home....

i don't think of Anthony like he is now really. I suppose I should everyone is saying I have to think about myself and do whats best for me. That would be to leave right, cause this is getting so ugly now. ITs so sad. But like I said before I keep thinking about the begining. And how he would see me whenI was sick, but thenI have friends that say he really didn't do that much for me and my journals are full of terrible thoughts and leavingdating back to,   years ago.

UGH! he fucking bends my heart! I know you know it too. But then again I don't believe its malice, as cruel as you are. You can't pull away either. I think he needs me as much as I need him (or more) but could never admit it.

I don't think I can go anywhere else with this. please leave comments, advice and SUPPORT cause I still need it.

I do live him still......

In my spare time I'm an amatuer Mullet Hunter. I emailed pictures to mulletsgalore.com, but I never see them up! So I've put my pictures together here to show off my trophies.

*Sometimes updated!*

This one is a little older, as you can see. I called it the Hooter Mullet. This guy cruises around North Adams bars trying to pick up chicks in his tuffy-tee, but I don't think they're interested.

I found this one on our trip to Florida. This is flagrant child abuse! His parents should be put in jail!

Also from out trip to Florida. Its not a great picture, but you get the idea. Comes with a matching moustache. 

I took this one last week. Look how the grease in his hair shines! I'm sure he must have just used the jheri-curl activation spray. Side burns neatly trimmed.. I'm sure he put a lot of time in to his hair. But how else could you make it look that good? (side note- he has giant ears)

I guess this is a woman......?!!!

I don't even know what to say about this one. I called the WTF Mullet.

This guy was at the Red Herring not too long ago. He was totally rockin the rumpled striped button-down, skinny tie and acid-washed jeans. CLASSIC!!!

I would also like to thank Brad for making this all posible!

How could I let these slip by me? I guess I have so many pictures I forget where I keep them all.

Well, this is your basic, average NASCARMullet:

I get double points for this one cause its a perfect profile and I did't have a decoy. Oh yes, this was a very dangerous situation because I hear the NASCARMullets are pretty aggressive; and if caught I would get an earfull of hilly-billy gibberish before getting whacked in the face with that pool stick.

 Aaaahhhh Poodle-Mullet. Fluffy-puffy and sensitive?

Don't let this whimsical sense of romance mislead you here. Mullets don't take no shit from no one!! This was the only picture I got because I got caught and had to flee for my life. This guy seriously wanted to kill me.

Dog the Burger Hunter

Now I did not encounter this guy personally, but I hear he was a pretty friendly in a punchasize-you-face-for-free kinda way. Accept his loving kindness! Also note how the mullet seems to be creeping around to his face. Watch your McChicken!!

Thanks to Ant for this guy!

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, North Adams, you never dissappoint me. This is a nice day off with the kids. The sun-kissed tresses of the flowing mullet and the happiness of the children's faces make this day seem all too perfect!

Never trust a mullet. There is always something sinister lying beneath the surface. And never never trust your children to them!

THANK YOU ALI!!

I have nothing to blog about!

The pictures aren't that great, but you get the idea!

I think I'm gonne take 50 pictures of myself looking up at the camera and post them on MySpace. That was everyone will know I'm dark and intense, in a sexy-kinda way. Pretty awesome, huh.

Moxy is sick. She's really skinny and throwing up. We have to take her to the vet tomorrow. Poor baby! She's doesn't even want to drink her water. I'm sad and I hope she gets better quick.
oops, she's better

...got a new dog... she's sweet... old dog is fat and wants to play.... new dog is nervous and must resort to whipping old dog's ass.... old dog thinks this means new dog wants to play... ... ... no blood yet... old dog is in stupid puppy mode... ugh please stop... please ... STOP!!! ... thank you... all is quiet... add four year old kid... screaming... squeaking... growling... when will this end?

The dogs are the best of friends now!!!