I am thinking of writing a song. The idea lately has appealed to me thus far. And while I don't know much about songwriting I thought I'd give it a shot. Of course this is coming form me at 7am, outside on the foyer, smoking a cigarette.

And while a cop drives by I am thinking I need to quit smoking. Seriously. I am also thinking about going back to having vocal lessons. It is something i never kept up with and want to.

I guess what made me come to this realization was pawning Donny at Guitar Hero. Mic in hand I can hold a note.

And while I am not  bad singer I am not the mecca of perfection either.

I don't know it is like one of those far off fantasies of mine to perform.  Let's just hope I stick with this. I mean I am free to do what I want right now. And as the impending doom of jobdom comes crashes down on me faster than the economy taking I hope to stick to one goal. And this seems realistic.

I am not usually one to sit here, whittle my depressive thoughts, I am more of an angry and sarcastic blogger. I don't usually mind a turn or two at people who would never worth more then a piece of dirt. Like Maribeth Wells, Justine Alejandro, and Brandon Stewart. But who needs to waste time on them. I have blogged about them more then they are even deserved to be recognized.

This is about me. My suffocation and my entrapment in something I have been prying in my mind ever since my birthday last year. What am I doing?

Disclaimer: Now those of you reading this because your in love with me (mentioned above, cause I know you still read this...) I am not turning a new leaf and humbling myself. That's what cowards do, especially when humbling them self to people below them isn't humble it's more like an act of charity.

I am talking about what am I doing with my life. I being the fucking bitch I am take names and kick ass. But deep down I am all ready to help people who deserve it. Whether it be hours driving people to work, buying numerous dvds for a kid who doesn't understand the concept of money, to helping a girl pick out her first pack of pads, I like helping people. I go out of my way to help people. Whether it hurts others or not I do it, wheater it hurts me, or in some cases my pocket.

This over the years has left me callous, souless, and in some instances wanting. Wanting more. Wanting to travel, wanting to live more, not wanting to be my mother.

Well, in aspect I am not turing out like my mother, I don't think I was ever on the track to do so. Sure I have some of her tenaciousness about being right. But in the end I haven't lived as much as she has. By the time she was my age she had traveled abroad, lived on her own, had friends, had a life.

Something I always thought I would inheirt from her. But I didn't I sit alone online every night living in wanting of other peoples lives. How much everyone has lived. Become someone.

I sit here a hollow shell tring to travel through images, through there travels, trying to reach out and fill my shell with faint memories of other people something to hold onto.

Wishing I could go back and rechoose my university, restart that time of ambition. I had so many plans. And I know life is what happens when your busy making other plans. But I have no life. My life is centered around making Will's life better that I have nothing in return.

I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to change this I get lost.

You area a coward if you can say yes to the following:

Do you have other people fight your battles for you?

Do you pretend to not know anything when you and the person asking know you do to stay out of the confrontation of information?

Do you hide behind people you have more authority than you?
i.e. Are you the Peter Pettigrew to their Voldemort?

Are you constantly making excuses?

Do you never confront others because your afraid of the truth?

Are you afriad of the truth about yourself?

If you answered yes to more then 2 of these you are a coward. But don't be sad. Everyone sees through your cowardliness and sympathizes. Sorry you're an epic fail.

I have had a lot of time to think lately as being I am spending a lot of time at home. Which is fine, I cook a lot more, like meatloaf, stroganoff, and tomorrow I am doing something with a large pork loin.

I also have to give Amber a ride to work.

Wait... I meant today not tomorrow I have stayed up all night cause my clock is off and so is my uterus, but that's for another time.

And above all I have realized I am not happy. Dallas is shitty. A majority of the people are shitty. And it is utterly boring. The only good thing I got going on is someone who worships the ground I walk on.

No not Will. Mitsy. I have found love with a dog. And no not sexy love. But a love that I can't take a crap without her not being right there staring at me and trying to hop in my lap.

I want to clone her and make an army out of her. Cause I don't need to clone her for posterity sake cause she is never going to die. I commanded her not to.

So basically, I have had a lot of time to find my path again, I am preparing for a new road, a new college start and new enlightenment. I have strayed for a while but with so much going on in my life I am going to stray right back on course for the better.

I just need to clean my room. >_>

Hire Puerto Rican or some shit to do that. Fly Johi out here to clean my room.

But the good thing is I am going to be more firm in my decisions. And well I would like to say be honest and forthcoming, but we all know I am alreeady that way.

That is basically why I have no hours at my job right now. People don't like the truth, when it is the truth that can set you free. Unless you are someone who can't let things go even though you are years older then myself.

Ugh. But bright and vibrant things are coming.

Like Will becoming a firefighter. Which would be hot, yet dangerous, cause one fire and he'll probably catch on fire because of his body being covered in hair.

LOLZ! Nap time!

I am not much for words. Oh am i? It seems without meaning to and without mentioning names, places or even anything pertaining to anyone, I hurt someones feelings, as badly as if someone called me fat.

Great, now that we understand it is enough of something to get over easily why don't we go ahead and understand something else.

This thing is manipulation. And usually I give props to those who can carry it out genuinely for themselves without stepping on others int he process.

I guess I am just too sharp witted and well, whats the word, blunt or truthful to call someone out. I have to give props to those who manipulate so well that even after I point out their wrong doings to others no course of action is taken against them.

But I will never apologize for being right, or truthful. I will never apologize for something trivial that wouldn't even hurt a 5 yr old's feelings.

And I won't apologize even if it compromises my own means. To me that is as fake as a conformist and as yellow cowardly as a manipulator.

I find it disconcerting when someone is swayed away from thier morals by someone else for reasons in which become clearer everyday through actions, words, and lack of motivation.


So I guess this is to say, no, you will never get an apology, because you don't deserve one. You don't deserve the satisfaction and you don't deserve the sense of self worth. Congratulations, you have succeeded in being not worth my time anymore.

Posts from here on out are friends only. For the fact my freedom of speech is greatly frowned upon.

And that the truth hurts. I'm sorry I'm not a liar.

The question on my mind when I think about having to get a new job. And the misconceptions they have about who I am. And what I am capable of.

Whatever you do vote anything and everything Democratic you can. If there is no democrat running in a district either vote for something that isn't republican or do not vote for that at all.

It is us verses the morons of America. Brainwashed and stupid overly religious or elderly people who have been blinded by stupidity in this world. McCain is fucking old, hypocritical and big oil funded. Palin is just mentally retarded. How she is still alive and not a fucking vegetable is beyond me.

Fuckum both don't vote for ANY republicans.

No wonder I couldn't think of the Biden's name, I dislike them so much I was calling Palin, Biden. HAHA! I corrected the last blog. That is the last time I talk to John about Smooshy while typing a blog.

I still have crammmpppsss :(

Okay so I have been working at 2 different stores this past few weeks. And I have barely had time to have a good day off let alone a pain free menstrual cycle. Yeah, my uterus is hurting like a bitch right now.

So I haven't updated in a while. Hopefully though, I can start updating more often. I am also going to try to update my pics as well, so we shall see.

Lately politics has been the main concern on everyones shoulders. And frankly it comes closer and closer to me not voting.

But to help anyone make a good decision I come to you with advice if you are like me and feel we are voting between a douche and a turd sandwich,

Think about this. Why would you vote for McCain or Obama. Now I know that black people are stupid and just want some 'brotha' in the white house so this question goes out to none of them. I also know many middle aged white men with no sense of what is attractive want McCain in it cause he has a 'hot VP Palin, but not only is she fucking retarded, clinically so, but also not that fucking hot. I mean on SNL Tina Fey makes her look good compared to her actual looks.

Ok so now that you know who I am directing this to, here is my advice. Vote on who you like as VP.

Frankly McCain is fucking old. He is going to die in a year or two after this if not from a heartattack right after winning, so Palin would be our president.

And Obama is some type of black somerother mutt, and he will mostly be assassinated by the KKK which leaves that guy from Delaware. Yeah I don't care so much i don't even fucking know his name.

Now we have who we are really voting for. Palin or that DE guy.

Okay so Palin is basically clincally brain dead and is only able to do anything a 5 yr ola can do and that is barely speak the english language and not even in complete sentences.

And that other guy is basically a puppet too. But he is fasted on the beliefs of Obama's policies. So I guess that is a plus for him, and he can basically answer a question with a proper sentence that doesn't have to do with soccer games and hockey moms.

So we have our winner, that guy from DE, great soo vote for Obama. Cause either way you look at it. Obama and his wierd albino puppet would be better then Palin and her corpse.

I mean seriously what is wrong with America. I frankly hope they all die and somehow Hilary gets it through a loophole and a prayer. Sure she has tesicles, and saggy old lady titties, but that is good. That means she isn't an actual woman and doesn't have a period and can't mess things up.

Or compromises politics with her religion.


Oh GWB, it is almost here, the day you are no longer a threat to everyone in the world.

On a GWB note, I want to go see that movie W. It looks funny and I like laughing at that monkey faced prick.

Sure a few years ago Johi and I tried bringing it back.. and no it wasn't sexy we were bringing it back, because despite Justin Timberlake's song it never went anywhere.

We tried bringing back the Fanny Pack.

Yes I know. Why would we do something so stylishly stupid. Well, of course it didn't work. It didn't even work back in the 90's. Now even today people are wear unattractive Fanny packs.

And usually with those fanny packs goes the rest of their style. They wear old out of date shorts the waist line well above their waist, an old tourist shirt or (for thier body shape) an unattractive workout top, even though they have no intention of working out.

Sure Prada, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton made some trying to 'bring it back' but like I said sometimes it either hasn't gone anywhere or no one wants it back.

So i say to you sir in the oulet mall walking around like its 1992, please take it off, put your belongings in a man purse or your pocket, burn the pack, and let its ashes blow into the wind. Cause it makes you look like an idiot.

...In between, they're just there.

So my main topic for this blog is a whirlwind of topics really. i think I'll just start typing and see where I go from there.

Let's start with...Smooshy.

Yes lets start there. She is a cat. And most of the time she hates attention. She also hates getting picked up. She is a cottonball of hair surrounding a skeleton of a cat body. And sometimes like fucking right now she wants fucking attention and Will is ignoring her... and me. But that's all I had at the moment I forgot what I was going to write about.

I know it had something to do with society going to hell in a hand basket. But what was it specifically? Was it about my paranoia of me gaining a few pounds since i have gone on an all hostess cupcake diet? no. that can't be it. I still fit in my pants, we can muse about that another day.

Also if you eat those cupcakes I find the most fun way to eat it is like an oreo, only you cant really sandwich it back together. But you break it in half, lick out the creme, and then eat that fucker. It's delicious.

But enough about my mass produced cupcake obsession. Let's think.

I am pretty sure it was somehow racial. Something to do with blacks and hispanics, specifically mexicans... but what?

Ugh. All I know is black people should not be given three things... licenses, cell phones and less then a 3 mile radius of another black person.

One. They can't fucking drive, it is either too fast or too slow and it is reckless and retarded and you (even three blocks away) feel like you are going to die.

Two. Cell phones and the one thing young to middle aged black people dote on. And frankly who are they calling that they need everyone to hear, not only their shitty rap or slow jam ring tone, but also their whole conversation. Most of the time it is something that makes you were farther away from them besides their annoying voice, could be the herpes, of how they are not able to find something they really wanted (Name something and think of the ghetto version, yeah thats probably the item they are talking about) or something to do with a guy or church. Now that last one is usually one or the other. Cause either she's a ho, or a virgin.

Three. When they get in packs, they are unstoppable forces that only make your headache go away with a special pill, its called a bullet.

Also they like to go in store and buy shit, then return it the next day, which unbeknown to them fucks the store over in their numbers. Now they aren't returning it cause they found something else but because they need the money for bills or something like buying our product was some sort of money lay-a-way program.

Mexicans are worse cause they think this is mexico and in mexico they still have the barter system. That is all.


But besides that I really can't think of the topic I was going to discuss. Sure it may seem like my over-racially small minded jabber above was it, but it wasn't.

On the record again, I don't hate black people, I just dislike the ghetto too proud to be black it makes white people everywhere puke black people.


I guess what I want to talk about now is morons. This topic spans all people of race, religion, and gender.

So when I say you're dumb and you are not white. No I am not being racist. If you're a guy I'm not being sexist, If you are a devout anything, no I am not being a blasphemer. Because even if you somehow changed any of those things you would still be fucking mentally handicapped and I would still think you are fucking dumb.

So pat yourself on the back, attach a sticker to your shirt, and walk away cause most of the time I have too many thing to do then deal with dumbing things down for you more then the mind capacity of a fifth grader.



I guess that is it. I am going to start blogging from work and my adventures of such... Hopefully I can hack into the adidas intranet. yes i-n-t-r-a-n-e-t. the closed internet circuit specifically for adidas run computers. And maybe, just maybe I can show you my wonderful job or retailing athletic equipment to overweight people of the world.

I know I love him but lately I feel like I don't know how MUCH I love him and frankly it scares me. Is this where I want to be. Is my life come to a complete stop?

I don't know we talked about how I felt and he looked like he was going to cry, sometimes I feel like I pity him more then I love him. Cause I don't want to see him cry. I feel like the man in the relationship.

Why should I feel that way?

I don't know. He would be lost without me, and frankly I am kindof getting tired of being his Mom and his girlfriend. (metaphorically of course!)

i feel like he is wonderful and someone I should be with, but at the same time...

I feel like I am 30 already and should have a kid.

I don't want him to love me forever and instead of going out there and finding who I really want to be and have a chance to go back to school, to just live comfortably with his undying devotion to me.

As nice as that is, if I wanted a fan club I would have achieved my childhood dream of being a singer.

And frankly I feel like I am just bored of this situation. Living in Texas, the same old thing happening everyday.

I have no friends out here. I have no life, my best friend is a dog and John. I mean, what am I supposed to do.

I miss my friends, hanging out, the spontaneity, the independence, and the overall freedom. Dallas is boring. I wanna live somewhere where there is more open all nite then McDonald's and Burger King.

If he comes with me I don't know that could be good and bad.

I am all up for life experiences. But damn it, texas is proving to be a dud.

All I do is work and come home to him leeching the lifeforce out of me, with is taking everything that could be special in our relationship out of it.

We are past the puppy love stage and he still acts like we started going out yesterday.

I don't know. Am I being too nice? Ugh. I am in such a pickle.