It’s day 5 of my supposed swine flu. I’ve been alone in the house for 3 days. Today I am feeling a little better – but as always when I’m alone for more than 5 minutes – I access that part of me which rarely seems to see daylight when others are around me.
For years it’s felt that that bit is the real me. The quiet, thoughtful person trapped in a body that has never quite yet fulfilled its promise – who likes to read and think and is shy and doesn’t like making small talk because he feels its a waste of his time. It’s interesting that I slip into the third person when I say that.
I love that we all have multiple facets to our characters – sometimes I feel though that the authentic bit of me that is me today – has been buried under years of ‘learned’ behaviours – behaviours that have made me popular and funny and busy socially and more attractive to women and all those things that shy skinny boys long for (I imagine). I’ve learned to laugh loudly and be sarcastic and silly and aggressive and all those other things that I felt I needed to survive – particularly in London. And I suppose I did need those things, I still do.
But ultimately the brilliant paradox that I need to resolve if I’m going to look back in 40 years and be proud of making authentic honest music is – (my god I write long sentences sorry)….let’s start this again
In 40 years I need to look back and have made something authentic. And the ‘learned’ adam, the popular adam, the dynamic adam – that’s me now – part of it always has been I suppose – but it’s not the middle bit. The soft centre.
The soft centre is where the real gold comes out of a creative person. My most personal songs are the best ones I’ve written. My best live performances have been those songs – my best recordings – the easiest ones to make.
In essence I don’t need to reconcile the two sides to Adam in order to become a better artist. I just need to know which bits of me I need to use at which times.
And trust the stuff that comes out of the bit I keep to myself. Perhaps I would have more satisfying personal relationships if I let that part of me out to the right people. So many of the people I know, only know the fun entertaining part of me.
I can’t be the class clown all the time – it’s not real and I’ve seen the look of disappointment in people’s when that guy isn’t there.
I wrote this while listening to I am not lefthanded. Do yourself a favour and do the same: http://www.iamnotlefthanded.com/
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