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Fat Girl

Emily Cohen


Last Updated: 4/11/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 26
Sign: Pisces

City: CLEARWATER
State: Florida
Country: US
Signup Date: 9/27/2007

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Sunday, January 04, 2009 
Well, it's been a while. Life has handed me a few lemons and it was a bit difficult to squeeze out that lemonade. For a long time, writing these blogs kept me afloat, but at some point I needed to face my life and figure shit out....and that's what I finally did.

So, here's the deal...I've moved on from my marriage and I am happier than I've ever been. I played the single card for a bit, and then fell in love again with my best friend from high school. It's interesting how life brings you right back around to the beginning...or perhaps where it should have always been. While we've always been best friends, we've never realized how amazing life together could be. And so I am head over heels for a handsome, fluffy man who makes me feel like the Diva I was always meant to be.

I'm ready to write again, so please keep an eye out in the next week or so for another adventure. I promise I won't disappoint.

4:31 AM 
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Wednesday, April 30, 2008 

Yes, I know, it's been a while. Let's just say that Fat Girl hasn't quite been herself. First of all, Fat Girl has dropped 20 LBs. I know what you're thinking, and i promise I'm eating enough twinkies. I was having some health problems and lo and behold, a measly 20LBs has helped tremendously. Now if only losing weight could cure stupidity....

The people I come across...I wonder if perhaps a screw is not only loose, but rusted through entirely. Some of you may know that I have been job hopping since September. Granted I have met some great people, but there have been a few crazies....

My first stint was at a plus size retail store. I figured it couldn't be all that bad, i spent most of my time shopping there anyway. Now I can get paid to look at my favorite clothes. Ya, not so much. For the most part, I dealt with wonderful plus size women. I am very bubbly and personable, so i get along great with customers. And, I have a degree from the University of my Mind in fashion. So of course, I have taste and style (you bet your ass). But there is always that one woman....you know the one....she's wandering around the mall in a pair of hoochie shorts, a popped collared boy bitch on her arm. She glances into the store, sees a halter on a mannequin, and drags her man candy behind her for a better look. At first I think, she's just lost. There is no way she actually thinks she can buy anything here. Then I think, well maybe she is shopping for a gift for someone....until she holds up a camisole and says "Do you have this dress in a smaller size?". At this point, I glance around the store to make sure I'm still in the right place. It SAYS Lane Bryant on the plate glass, but I could be wrong. Then I realize, it's a Saturday afternoon and the store is FULL of fat women....HOW COULD SHE MISS US??? So I ask her if she's looking for a friend, she giggles and yanks on dog boy's arm. Then I ask her what size she is looking for. :pause: "ummmm, I don't know how your sizes run but I'm anywhere from a 2-4 depending on the time of the month". I'm tempted to ask what time that would be, but I fear she may giggle hard enough to lose a couple more pounds. "I'm sorry, this is a plus size store"...then she says..."um, plus what?". The gum smacking, the spray tan boyfriend, the jean shorts that just covered her ass cheeks, it was more than I could bare.....I leaned in slightly and whispered "this store is for fat people". She reacted exactly as I thought she would.....she giggled. For the love of god, the bitch giggled. "Is there anything else I can get you today".....she asked me "do you know where I could get a dress like that in my size?". SHE STILL THINKS IT'S A DRESS!!!! "Sure" I said "Why don't you try the food court. There is a place there called Mrs. Fields. I would order the special...and then come back another time".

2:37 AM 
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Saturday, February 02, 2008 

10 weird things...Tag you're it

The Rules:
Once you have been tagged, write a blog with ten strange/ random facts or habits about you. When you are done, pick ten people to be tagged. List their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they are tagged and to read your latest blog....

Random/Strange Facts about me

1. I am the author of the greatest blog in the world, The Adventures of Fat Girl. Basically just my life experiences as a Plus Size woman.

2. I am a social butterfly; I love to go to parties and events. I LOVE meeting new people. I have no fear of going up to someone and just saying "hi, you're hot, can I buy you a drink?"

3. If someone is my friend (like, truly my friend) I will do anything in front of them. I have no shame. Just ask Jen.

4. One day in High School, Robin and I skipped school and went down to Hillsboro Beach. There were signs in almost every shop window that said "Stop Truancy". So we made up this story that we were visiting our aunt and we were from New York. So if anyone asked us, that's what we would say. And with every person we talked to, the story got better. That was the day I perfected my New York accent.

5. Secretly, Titanic is my favorite move. Sad I know, but I have my reasons...

6. I used to be a cast member in the South Florida Renaissance Festival (5 years, baby!!). My favorite character was Penelope Peril, Damsel in Distress. I had a sign that said Damsel in Distress, Looking for a Good Knight. I had a blast with that character.

7. My first car was a 1986 Pontiac Bonneville. It was white and huge. My friends used to call it The Bible Mobile or The Jesus Machine because I had religious bumper stickers plastered across the back to hold the bumper on!

8. I hate being clothed. I would much rather just walk around nekid. My friend Cecelia and I used to say there was a reason God didn't give us bodies like V. Secret models. We'd just go out in tank tops and panties. Even in the frozen food section….

9. I have a stage name. If I ever get discovered and end up as a famous DJ/Singer, you'll know me as Miss Avalon. I spend a lot of time playing with beats and producing shit on my computer. It can take FOREVER for me to finish a song because I'm too damn meticulous. But someday, you will hear the name Miss Avalon and you'll say "hey, I knew that chick. She was on myspace…"

10. Years ago, D and I went to Universal Studios for Rock The Universe. It started raining and we thought it would be fun if we got different guys to propose to us in the rain. So we managed to get like 10 different guys to fake a proposal and we took pictures. It was fantastic.

People I tag and why...

1. Crystal –  Cuz I don't think I'll EVER know everything about her...lol...so complex :)

2. Chris – I garuntee you I'm part of most of his crazy memories, lol

3. Casio – I'm expecting funny, witty, and suprisingly true

4. Mellie - Cuz I've already heard so much about her, it's time to get it from the horse's mouth, so to speak ;)

5. DJ Candee - HMMM, Cuz she's hot (good reason) and I already know she's a kick ass DJ

6. "Fat is the New Sexy" – Hm, I don't even know her "real" name, but she was my first friend when i started this page and I'd like to learn more about her.

7. Plump Princess – OMG, cuz she's HOT

8. Lou – I also want learn more about Lou and her family

9. Tamzen – It's been a long time and I'm sure she has some new quirks and stories to tell!!

10. Jeremy - L because I miss him terribly
2:43 PM 
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Monday, January 14, 2008 
7:43 PM 
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Tuesday, January 01, 2008 
Fat Love


This one is a long time comin. I mean, fat people need love too...and we all know that more cushion, means better pushin!!!! I am not sexualy shy. I've never tried to hide my body from my hubby and I know he loves it!!! And we have never been shy about trying new things. The thing is, we are both pretty fat. And one thing I have learned in the past 5 years of being with hubby...there are some things fat people cannot do in bed.

Now, I'm going to throw in this disclaimer for anyone who might be feeling a bit uncomfy right about now...this is gonna be an unabashed, completely honest view of fat sex. If you are disturbed by fleshy overflow, stop reading now. If you are at work, you may want to stop reading now. I'm just warning you all, this is about to become a sexy party.

So the first thing I need to touch on is the fabulous world of foreplay. There are many things out there to rock your partner's world. Toys and tasties and positions and shit. One thing i do NOT recommend for 2 fat people is 69. Without going into too much detail, suffocation is a real issue. I found this out quickly. The other problem is balance...unless you've had experience with the tight rope, you're probably gonna have to practice not falling over.

Next problem with fat sex....is fat sex positions. Now that hubby and I are trying to procreate, we've been trying all kinds of weird ass positions, thanks to the many message boards out there that explain in detail what works the best. What they do not mention is the possible bodily harm that comes from being fat and trying these positions. For example...legs in the air, not a feasible position unless you want your spleen in you lungs. The funniest thing I have ever said during sex??? "Honey, I can't effing breathe...".

The biggest problem is the immense amount of heat that is generated by the friction of 2 fat people. I end up putting the air on 60 just so we can go at. And keep a glass of water near by...remember, only you can prevent forest fires


The most important piece of advice I can give about fat sex....don't be ashamed of your body. If you are with someone you truly care about, they will find you as sexy as you feel...so let your hair down, and feel good about yourself...and always remember your protective head gear.
12:45 AM 
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Sunday, November 18, 2007 
Dieting...I'd rather be fat

We've all tried them. The pills, potions, products and promises..."The best diet pill in the WORLD" "The magic cream that melts away fat" "Introducing, the all in one belly buster" and my favorite "1-800-Jenny-20"

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not here to bash a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and normal exercise is something we should all partake in, fat or not. We want to be around to harass future generations, don't we? But ladies, fitting some standard mold is not what our candy maker had in mind for us.

I can say that I have tried nearly every method out there. And if I haven't, I know someone who has. They all promise results that are "not typical". What??? Why are you advertising results that are not typical? Why get some poor fat girl all excited that she can look like Jessica Simpson by the end of the month? Or worse, Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest in peace). I don't know about you, but the last thing I want is to be parading around showing off my bat wings because I lost 150lbs in 3 months.

So come with me on a dieting journey...we'll start at the beginning.

The first thing I tried was Weight Watchers. Now, again, I'm not bashing (I have a very good friend who has WW to thank for her banging ass!!). But let it be known that you have to be a very dedicated person to follow WW. I successfully lost 25lbs, but promptly gained it back the day I decided to have 2 Rum and Cokes. Yeah, those points went right out the window.

The amazing Atkins Diet. Eat all the meat you can cram in your mouth...Bacon, Burgers, Ribs...anything with a face. It can be dripping with cheese, grease and every fat known to man. But god help you if so much as look at a potato chip. Yeah, that lasted all of a week.

The South Beach Diet. Like the Adkins Diet, but with a little more leeway. You could have a potato chip...but just 1.

And this is where I tried my first Diet pill. Zantrax...it came in a big blue bottle and made me buzz like I had just snorted a line off someone's ass. I did lose weight, but I didn't eat. So when i finally flushed them (after being up for almost 24 hours playing Zelda and not eating so much as a raisin) I had the munchies for about a week. And here comes the fat....

Lets see, I think it was the Windsor Pilates DVD that came next. Can I just say, the cute little girl who does the workouts in the video, I really want to buy her a sandwich. Roast beef, rare...on white bread...AHHHHHHHHH. What I really know is who has the room to lay out on the floor and try to watch the TV while holding their leg behind their head? I mean unless it's Carmen Electra's "Strip To Fit" Dvd...I'd watch that from any position!!

Then ya have your portion control diets. I'm sorry Kirstie, but that little chicken alfredo you claim to love...I've tried it...it wouldn't nourish my big toe.


Look girls, here's the real deal. Balance your diet. You can have your pizza and your cake and your home made lasagna. But throw in a nice big salad, or some cut up cantaloupe. And replace 2 sodas a day with a nice big cup of water or herbal tea.

Working out is great, but don't kill yourself trying to go 2 hours on the treadmill. 30-45 minutes 3 days a week is a great start. And you don't have to be running. Take a brisk walk around the neighborhood, or chase your kids around the park. Besides, for most of us fat girls, it's not the exercise, but what we put in our mouth. What was it my grandma used to say..."A moment on the lips, forever on the hips". Well, she also said he wouldn't buy the cow if he got the milk for free, and look how that turned out
11:04 PM 
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007 

The Adventures of Fat Girl Volume III

So my darling husband became the perfect subject of study for this blog.  Thank you dear for always filling my mind with ideas, and extream pants pissing laughter.  I love you.

Have you ever been to an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet??  Of course you have, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this blog.  The concept is fantastic.  1 low price gets you a night of decent food and great conversation.  AYCE buffets were first intorduced to me as a pre-teen.  Whenever my best friend and I would bring home good grades, it was off to the Sizzler with our moms.  I loved it at a  young age, and I love it even more now that I'm a responsible adult with no money and not a lot of time to cook. 

I tend to notice what goes on around me.  I alsways survey a room before i sit down.  It's a friday night and my husband and I are out at CeCe's all you can eat pizza.  Best place in town.  As we walk in, i notice that the place is PACKED.  Not just full but packed.  There is barely enough room to get between tables.  I wonder how this works because more than half the people in this place have their own gravitaional pull.  My husband, bless his heart, is in heaven.  THIS is his kind of place.  Darling that he is, he tells me to get my food first while he holds the only booth left in the place.

I survey the spread....

6 different kinds of pizza...cheese, italian sausage, pepperoni, hawaiian...
all different styles of pasta (I pick the curly kind!!!) and sauce (alfredo is my friend)
A HUGE bowl of ceaser salad (a little lettuce won't hurt)
Balance everything out with a huge pan of brownies, cinimon and sugar pizza and lemon squares

Hungry yet???  I went slowly.  This is, after all, an all you can eat buffet.

I walked back to the booth with my 2 slices of pizza, salad and small scoop of curly pasta and sauce.  I decided to go back for dessert later.

Now it's my hubby's turn.  I see his eyes glaze over as he sprints for the front of the buffet line.  I laugh a little and go back to my feast.  He'll be back....

15 minutes later (i'm practically done at this point) he comes back with 3 PLATES OF FOOD.  He has 6 slices of pizza, a bowl of salad, 2 different types of pasta and sauce and brownies.  This is when I started writing this blog.  Because I looked at him and practically screamed IT'S AN ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET!!!!!  Aparently though, i missed something when I did my initial survey.  EVERYONE'S trays look like this.  You're kidding me...Is there some kind of rule that says if the food is there, take as much as you can in one shot?  Like you're never going to eat again.  I just don't get it.  You can go back as many times as you want.  You don't have to sample everything on the menu in one round.  And he's standing there, grinning like a kid on christmas morning...so proud of his find.  His glasses are slightly crooked (which i know is from hitting them on the sneeze guard covering the pizza).  His big blue eyes are shinning....

I started laughing hysterically.  I kept writing in my head.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

He finished his Mt O' Food and went back for more (so did I, of course...they don't call me fat girl for nuthin').  All in all it was a great night.  Well, until we got home...then it was a fight for the big bathroom...
3:57 PM 
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Saturday, November 10, 2007 
The Adventures of Fat Girl Volume II
Trendy? I think not…

Perhaps I am a little out of my element with this one. I mean, if there is anything I am NOT, it's a trendsetter. My typical rule of thumb is if it's comfortable, you're good to go. If I'm feeling particularly fierce, I might wear a snazzy belt or a pair of heels. The majority of the time, I'm a little behind. Since I usually buy on sale, the styles are on their way out by the time they make it to my closet.

That being said, I have started to notice many fashion DON'Ts in the plus size world. Perhaps the natural beauties of this world don't realize that other people have, well, eyes…and can see these fatal mistakes. I, being the fat girl that I am, have taken it upon myself to point them out.

Lets start with the muffin tops. What is this you might ask? Well, I'll be happy to explain. Imagine the hottest pair of jeans you can squeeze your ass into. Yes, that's right. Those stonewashed, slightly distressed low riders on that manequin over there. Paired with just the right sexy tank, they would make any diva rock with style…unless that diva is a size 20…and the jeans are a size 12. You've all seen it, the "flow" of the hips and belly as they make their way over the waistband of these jeans. Yes ladies, this is the muffin top. All at once, it looks like something is baking out of your pants. To make matters worse, that frilly tank you picked out is much to small…nowhere near big enough to contain the "girls" let alone your culinary masterpiece. For the love of god, wear a pair of pants that fit.

Speaking of the girls, have you ever had trouble looking another woman in the eye because her cleavage is actually SPEAKING to you?? Now, I'm probably the last person who should be commenting on this. I am a huge fan of low cut tops and sexy wraps…however, there is a fine line between sexy, and stripper. Yes, you know who you are. If your breasts have managed to merge with the underside of your arms, you need a new bra…and possibly a bigger shirt.

Lets take a trip down south, shall we?? To the island of "Thunder Thighs". Yes ma'am, I have 'em. They are large and in charge and have very many functions. One of them is NOT coming out to say hello on a breezy afternoon. JUST SAY NO to shorts where your thighs enter the room before you do. I think we can apply this rule to any situation involving shorts…if, by the time you get from your car door to your gas tank, you are chaffing, you probably need more material. Just a word to the wise, chaffing is not fun. And the fancy powder-gel they advertise on the size 2 model…it doesn't work. Just buy longer shorts.

It's clubbin' time ladies. And that means pulling every hot piece of clothing you have out of the closet for your own personal fashion show. Lets take a look, shall we?? Why what do we have here…is that…why it couldn't be…it's a CATSUIT. Lord have mercy, the curves are a flowin' tonight. I have never witnessed anything more hideous in my life. Let me tell you a little story. I was planning to go party with some of my friends recently and needed something cute to wear. A young lady I work with is roughly my size (by roughly I mean BIGGER), so I thought I'd ask to raid her closet. As soon as a mention I am heading downtown to club hop, she pulls out this brown and gold 1 piece pantsuit. I should probably mention here that it is actually a TUBE pantsuit. So the batwings aren't even covered. The twins barley make it into the top before she is tying some sparkling accent belt around my waist. Now, she had mentioned that the pants part of all this were a gaucho style, so I was hoping we at least had something good going. No such luck. The only flare I saw was at my knee. I waddled into the bathroom to take a look and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I looked like sausage stuffed into a brown and gold casing. I tried very hard not to cry. Not for me of course, I'd never be caught dead in the thing. No, my tears came when I thought of miss thang over there shakin it to Ciara whilst trying to keep her gazoongas from killing some poor innocent bystander. Not to mention the fact that my ass was suddenly assigned it's own area code. Needless to say, the outfit went back into her closet and I walked away empty handed…but not without a new appreciation for muffin tops.
3:08 PM 
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Thursday, September 27, 2007 
The Adventures of Fat Girl Volume I

Flying Fat

So my most recent musings were inspired by a 3.5 hour flight from Boston to West Palm. Although the thought of seriously drugging myself came to mind, I was able to resist the urge and write instead.

So I came up with an idea for us pleasantly plump travellers. The idea came as i sat down in the very last row on the plane and tried to lower the armrest. WHAT THE FUCK?? 3 days ago when I flew TO Boston my ass fit just fine. Now I can't even get the damn armrest down all the way. My hips are spilling out. This is sick.....anyway, this idea comes to me. How about an airline specifically for the fat people of this world!!!

First order of business, love seats instead of these tiny little plane seats. I don't know what size ass they are expecting to fit in these seats. My 8 yr old brother has a hard time sitting straight. But nice, big, cushy love seats would be perfect for a bottom like mine!! Each loveseat comes equipped with it's own (full) mini fridge. STFU, you know you didn't get that fat by ordering club soda and refusing that bag of honey roasted peanuts. So yeah, stocked mini fridge with tons of free alcoholic beverages and chocolate chip cookies....mmmmm...ahem

The aisles are a serious problem. I'm noticing this as the rhino in row 22 tries to get her carryon luggage in the overhead compartment. She barely fits sideways. I pitty the poor people who are actually sitting in the seats that her ass is about to occupy as she turns to walk back to her seat. All I could think was "godDANM is that woman large"....wait, no that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking that this plane could use a 3 lane highway for an aisle with a moving sidewalk. Yeah, again, don't knock it. You're just as lazy as I am.

I don't even want to go into the bathroom situation. A fucking walking stick would have a hard time squeezing their ass into that thing. And for the love of god can someone please tell me how it is even possible to wipe your ass when your knees are hitting the door?? As I'm trying to pull up my pants I've got a handicapped bar gouging into my side....I think this calls for an extra large bathroom, complete with jacuzzi tub and bidet...

My last qualm has nothing to do with being fat and flying...but everything to do with the state of our flight attendants these days. I say shorten the skirts and buy them big boobies. Cuz if i'm gonna pay half my monthly salary to fly 3 states away, I at least want a lap dance out of the deal....
2:23 PM 
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