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Salathia scott


Last Updated: 7/20/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 27
Sign: Capricorn

City: Plano
State: Texas
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/18/2005

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[22 Apr 2009 | Wednesday] 11:49 PM

thank you, to my dear sass. talk to you tomorrow.

 
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[23 Feb 2009 | Monday] 10:26 AM

Current mood:  contemplative
true colors, true colors. now, if y'all remember that song, it was quite positive ... so i guess i shouldn't have made that reference in the subject of this blog.
over the past eh, 2 yrs or so ... i've had a few people show me their true colors. funny enough, they've actually done it silently.
let's make this easy for anyone else ... here are some guidelines. read them & find out if you need to eliminate yourself from my life!
if you:
have a problem with my pride in being a Black person*
have a problem with my thinking Barack Obama is awesome*
have a problem with my calling out injustices*
have a problem with my no-nonsense attitude*
have a problem with my mission to make REAL African/African American history known*
have a problem with my love for my people (AND everyone else)*
have a problem with my being a nonconformist*
have a problem with my being a Christian*
have a problem with me, in general*
[* = "and can't be a real friend to me because you can't accept that i am an INDIVIDUAL & will not conform because it's the 'right thing to do' in someone ELSE's eyes]
then:
remove my name, number, & address from your address book, pda, and/or phone.
remove both of my pages from your myspace friends list.
remove any other page of mine in a social network from your friends list.
remove my yahoo & aim names from your buddy lists.
think of me as simply a memory & a good friend that you lost.
[[[this is not directed to any one person. i was just thinking about the people who just randomly stopped speaking to me. i'm talking about people i grew up with. i already removed those people from my list, so they won't see this ... but i wanted to go ahead and make sure i don't have any fakes left in the bunch. you know what i'm sayin? save a little time.
it's really sad, y'all. i spent the majority of my life around some of these people ... you'd think they would know who i am - and if they had any confusion, that they'd come to me and ASK. y'all know me, though ... "oh the hell well!" let em be ignorant!]]]
peace.
 
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[17 Jan 2009 | Saturday] 2:23 AM
{{NOTE: to HEAR this spoken, go to my profile - it will play automatically}}
there was this man ...
and the way he made me feel? ooh, the way he made me feel.
like a woman. like his rib. like jill scott in "love rain". (and wasn't even technically my man)
he was amazin. i was wakin up, thinkin of him.
i was wakin up to conTRACtions. damn.
givin birth early in the mornin to passion ... and he didn't even know it.
he was so cold, that he read my mind.
i would silently say "i love you" a million times, and like he was perched outside my heart's door, eavesdroppin to learn all my secrets ... he surprised me with a reply: "i love you".
he was passionate ... he was PASSION. the only person in the world to share mine & make mine grow.
he reached out to me, so, that when he would show emotions - love, anger, sorrow ... I felt them.
he made me feel beautiful. he was attracted to ME. my mind, my heart, my natural self. i didn't have to fake & burn my hair straight. i didn't need to lighten my skin. no. he made my curls tighter. he would heat up the melanin in my skin & make my beautiful brown deeper. he would kiss me from miles away & my lips would become more full.
free spirited & open minded ... something we all want, but his degree was too high for me. i reached and reached, and i touched - but i couldn't hold on.
i broke my own heart by lettin that amazin man get to me. but i couldn't help it. regardless of the words he whispered, it all came out as the most convincing "trust me" you'll ever hear. and i did. and i loved.
i thought i'd never find someone to touch me way beyond the physical like he did - you know, way deep down in my soul.
but God told me i would. what? yeah ... God said i'd get MORE. serious? oh yeah.
so i let the bitterness go - which was really just me missin him.
and now, i thank him. i thank him for the prelude to my amazing life with some miraculously God-made man who will make space between my feet & the ground.
i thank him for being my friend. being my confidant & letting me cry, scream, and laugh whenever i needed.
even though i thank him ... and i let him go - i will never forget him. never. the first man ever to show me how to be me ... and what it was like to be loved JUST for being me.
he was ...
 
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[12 Jan 2009 | Monday] 6:29 AM

We (Christians), as a people, are often questioned about how we can believe in something with no tangible evidence … and how we DON’T believe in something that DOES have tangible evidence.
I just watched a show on The History Channel. It highlights information about the Mayan culture & their knowledge of space & time. Supposedly, the Mayans believed that the end of the world would come on December 21 (or was it 12th?), 2012.
Now, how did people TODAY come to this conclusion, when the Mayans wrote in their own special glyphs?
Well, during the time that the Spanish Conquistadors invaded what is now Mexico, ALL but FOUR pieces of Mayan “literature” (I don’t know what else to call it … it’s Mayan glyphs written on the inside of fig bark) were destroyed.
Now, as far as the interpretation of this “literature” … who did it? Well, you would think that a Mayan from WAY back when would have, right? After all, it’s their way of communication & only they know it.
But no … Mayans did not interpret their writings for others. That means that *BINGO*, some random people looked @ the writings and basically said “wow, well this drawing MUST mean this”.
rrrrrrrrrrrright. *straight face*
The next show? It talks about how Nostradamus predicted 9/11. Here is a piece of the prophecy: “In the year 1999 7 months, a great kind of terror will come from the sky. He will resurrect Genghis Khan, the King of the Mongols. Before and after Mars rules happily.”
One of the “smart guys” comes on and says “could it be that 1-9-9-9 is actually 9-1-1-1, September month?”
My reaction? “Are you FORREAL?!”
This is your tangible evidence of something that has, will, or did happen? REALLY?
Ya know … I don’t criticize people for what they believe. I may think that what they believe is silly … I may TOTALLY disagree with what they believe, but I don’t disrespect them.
Let me tell you what bugs me though … people who try to prove me or other Christians wrong because of what we believe, by saying we don’t have any tangible evidence to support what we believe.
1) The reason we don’t NEED tangible evidence (a Polaroid of Jesus on the way to Golgotha, followed by another Polaroid of Him giving a thumbs up on the Cross), is because we have FAITH. Point blank, bottom line. If you don’t know what faith REALLY is (spiritual knowledge, not school book), then you wouldn’t understand. And that’s OK! BUT don’t criticize me for having beautiful knowledge of God’s love and not having to SEE SOMETHING RIGHT IN MY FACE for proof.
2) The things I mentioned earlier? Those are just two random examples among the millions. If THAT is your evidence, then … dang. You just might want to rethink some things.
Like I said, y’all … believe what you want to believe. But don’t try to put me down for my faith in the Lord. Don’t try to give me false evidence of things to try to change my mind about what I believe in.
*shrug* I gotta give it to those people (who make up that “evidence”) … DEFINITELY got the creative genes!
 
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[12 Jan 2009 | Monday] 5:08 AM

i became upset. screaming inaudibly, because i just didn’t want to fight. speaking to The Counselor, i had a change of heart. repentance to God, accepted. apology to human, eh … kinda? my feelings were hurt, and i cried out of confusion.
wise words put me back on track, and then, i took a deep breath and forgave.
i’ve done my part & it’s out of my hands.
released.
 
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[07 Dec 2008 | Sunday] 3:06 PM

Current mood:  nostalgic

sanity:  black maybe ' syreeta

never thought i'd say this, but i need to watch tv more. i mean, the only time i watch is when i get home & check my recordings on my DVR (best invention EVER). grey's anatomy, private practice, law & order: svu, and heroes. bam, that's it, for me.

i hate the news, because half (or more) of the time, it's bias. [let's not get started on fox, again].
today, i realized that i REALLY need to be watching the news.
i made an important decision a few years ago to change what i could change ... speak for people who couldn't ... and make noise when it was too freaking quiet. but today, my mom mentioned the RECENT dragging death of a young (24 yrs old) man in paris, tx.

i had NO clue. and why? because i don't watch tv. i used to pick up the NY Times @ starbucks, but i don't even do that anymore.
i'm only one person, and i realize that i can't do something ALL BY MYSELF ... but this young man's family was being done wrong, and i could have written/called/drove my tail down to paris, tx to make my voice heard & to show that family that they had some support.

if you haven't heard anything about this, click this link:  http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/10/24/national/main4544985.shtml?source=RSSattr=U.S._4544985
God bless him & his family ...
______________________________________________________

i contacted a friend that i haven't spoken to in a very long time, today. i left him a voicemail ... so hopefully he gets it & i get to speak with him soon.

i wrote about him in my blog a while back - maybe over a year ago ... maybe even 2.
his name's billy. i think he's probably one of the absolute best friends i've ever had. as time went on, we both grew up & he got married & has beautiful children. for some reason, i never thought his wife [who i've known longer than i've known him] was really comfortable with our friendship ... so i stopped communicating. i'd randomly see him on my trips back to oklahoma & he'd give me an updated number - and i'd call, maybe once ... but i'd always hear discomfort in his wife's voice when i called.

i could care less about someone making ME uncomfortable, but when you really do care about a friend, you'll do anything to make sure THEY aren't uncomfortable. do you feel me? the last thing i want to do is disrupt his happy life because i'm contacting him and his wife doesn't want me to.

true enough, i don't know her ACTUAL feelings about it ... it's just a 'vibe'. but whatever.
your question: "so, then why'd you contact him today?"
my answer: "well ... regina (my cousin) & i had a lovely 2 hr conversation last night & we talked about people we haven't seen or talked to in years. we were both close to billy & both want to see him. i realized i freaking miss my friend. i never had a male friend who was that awesome."

we'll see what happens. i had a dream that his wife asked me to add her on myself. weird, because i've searched & didn't find one for her.

i d'no ... did i make a mistake?
________________________________________________________

i'm starting school again! just as soon as that freaking income tax check gets here, lol.

you know, i LOVE school online. i don't think it's any easier, in reference to the work - so i don't feel like i'm being cheated of real education for the sake of convenience.

i started a couple of years ago ... everything was going great. my grades were awesome (duh!) ... but, the company i was working for sent me on a business trip. a 6 day business trip.
i didn't have a laptop ... back then, u of phoenix didn't have classes via explorer - it was through outlook, so even if i went to the business center @ the hotel, it wouldn't have mattered ... needless to say, i didn't get anything done, so that placed me at the horrid point of being about 3 weeks behind (technically 2, but the time it would have taken me to finish the work from the previous week & the current week would have taken me into the NEXT week).
i became overwhelmed & i gave up - well, took an EXTREMELY long hiatus.

needless to say, i am very pro-further-education ... but my main priority (especially since i travel so much)? ... getting a freaking laptop.
it's the first thing i'll be getting with that income tax check.

excited about starting school again :)
bonus? i work @ t-mobile as a pda/blackberry tech rep, so the discount for my wireless card is BANGIN! lol $10/month for unlimited access ... and the device itself is like 40% off. that's what im TALKIN about!

okay ... i'm about to retreat, because i'm sleepy and you know how that goes: "babble, blah blah blah".

peace!

Currently listening:
Syreeta/Stevie Wonder Presents Syreeta
By Syreeta
Release date: 2006-11-13
 
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[06 Nov 2008 | Thursday] 2:57 AM
it's amazing how some people are just damn negative. if you don't truly support, then don't show FAKE support.


President Obama won ... and he won fair. if you don't agree with his policies & beliefts, then okay - fine. just watch him work.


i have faith in this man ... and not just because he's Black ... not just because he's an awesome speaker. he makes SENSE. i believe he'll do what he says he'll do. he hasn't given me ONE reason to doubt him.


i realize that many people are saying that the reason Black people voted for our new president is simply because he's Black.

well, shame on you for trying to fit us into such a simple, confining box.

don't mince my words ... there may be people who did not get into the politics of it all & DID vote because Barack Obama is a Black man ... an AFRICAN man. but understand, there are PLENTY of people who voted for John McCain SIMPLY ... because he is a White man.


for those who try to fit us (Black people) into that small box, understand this: if we didn't have REAL faith in Barack Obama ... if he was exposed as a true asshole & a liar ... if we did not think that he could run this country, run it well, and fix the mess that George Bush made ... we would have not voted for him. while you're accusing us of making a poor decision, realize that we've been greatly effected by Dubya's incompetence just as you have. we're hurting, just like you are. what i mean by saying that is - i wouldn't (and many wouldn't) vote for someone who couldn't or WOULDN'T help us with our problems.

so before you go and disrespect our new President, you need to respect our VOTE.


now ... don't get it twisted ... i AM excited about Barack Obama being the first Black president. that is AMAZING.

my mother and i sat in front of the tv and cried. it was the most wonderful feeling ... and it was the 2nd time in life i've felt patriotic. (that's a LOT coming from me) i laughed, cried, yelled, cried more, sat in awe, thought deeply, and cried some more. lol my cousin sarita and i sat up on the phone til sometime past 5am talking, because we were too elated to sleep.

i wish that all of the people - leaders and just regular people - who fought the good fight, physically & spiritually, were able to see this. i wish my grandparents were able to watch that amazing speech last night.

years of whips, blood, sweat, tears, pain, fear, sleepless night, prayers, beautiful hope and faith finally positively manifested last night here on Earth, in the United States of America, on November 4, 2008.


to those who didn't support Barack Obama through the campaign ... the campaign is over. so don't put your hope in him failing ... let's make the next EIGHT years amazing. let's support the President of the United States of America and help him to build up our economy, repair & build up our education system, get our healthcare on track, get this war taken care of, and make America PLEASANT again.
(amongst other things)

last note: i think it's amazing that President Obama's mother named him after his father. Why? because it makes a statement. the first Black president has an ethnic/African name ... it's powerful. very powerful.


President Obama ... we're covering you with prayers and pray for nothing but blessings and success. hopefully, i'll be at the inauguration to witness part 2.

American history & Black American history has jumped in leaps and bounds ... how exciting.


now, every person of color ... remember - we're not supporting just because President Obama is black ... BUT - go let your sons and daughters, nieces & nephews of color know ... you can be ANYTHING ..................... including the President of the United States of America.


Change gon come ... Change has come.

Yes we can ... YES WE DID!
 
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[15 Apr 2008 | Tuesday] 7:45 AM

sanity: stressed out ' a tribe called quest

so ... anyone who knows anything about me & my love for poetry know that my favorite poet is none other than oveous maximus.

he finally came to my part of tx & you know i MADE a way to get to that damn reading. everyone who read did a very good job. ove was amazing. absolutely inspiring. real passion regarding his work and the subjects in his poetry ... how important!
hm ... will i be able to perform my pieces like that, one day?

well ... anyway ... ove happens to be a very nice, down to earth guy. and don't let him fool you - he's hilarious. (lmao @ you and those damned the lemon seeds, ove.)

anyway ... i'd never been to the college where the reading was held, but everyone was really cool. i performed "deadly silence", and it was awesome to have so many people come up to me to let me know they really liked my piece or that they understood or it touched them in some way. it made me a little nervous to speak my poem in front of ove - but, like i said ... even though he was celebrity status to me, he didn't act like it.

i got such a great feeling when i read that ... i decided to follow Jay Clipp's advice & do my thing @ the prophet bar. i was going to go this wednesday, but since i left work early to go to the reading, i have to make up some time on wednesday. next wednesday, though ... next wednesday.

so afterward ... about 13 or 14 of us went to iHOP. i hadn't eaten all day [dumb move?] ... and pretty much everybody was in need of some nourishment. there was a mix between very important, serious conversations ... and then there were the absolutely hilarious ones.  i had a really good time. made some new acquaintances and got to eat with my fav poet. i'd say my night was the shit ... wouldn't you? yeah. it was definitely worth the hour drive :)

peace ... and y'all, check out myspace.com/oveous

ps: my site is ALMOST DONE! afrochique.net

 
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[26 Mar 2008 | Wednesday] 8:23 AM

(part 1 - the dream. [my Godmother])
the other night was so real. i’m not quite sure why. maybe it was because it was like ... like a meeting. i knew i was dreaming. it was a meeting. and it was beautiful. i think this is the first time we spent time together since ... before.

you actually looked directly at me and spoke: "Ya know, i am really going to bless you..."
you looked at me with such honesty & love. it was amazing. i was so peaceful. i didn’t feel sad - and i think that’s because you were REALLY there.

since september, i don’t remember feeling that much at peace. i could breathe. i could smile. and it wasn’t one of those blind-bliss moments where you’re in a dream world, completely oblivious to what reality awaits you after you land from the flight of slumber.
i knew i was dreaming ... i knew you were gone, and HAD been for months. but you were there. looking directly at me. talking to me. you WERE there.

ya know, i’m not 100%, yet. i am not OK without you, and i may never be. but the peace i felt is indescribable. a weight that has drug me down to the ground and through the dirt (which became mud, courtesy my tears) was just ... lifted.

i’m so happy. i miss her more than ever, but i think i’m ready to take charge of my own life, again. i think i can really do this.

(part 2 [the remnants of "him"])
in other news? i wrote a letter to someone who i haven’t spoken to in a few months. i don’t really think of him often, but at times, he does cross my mind. and i think that may be because i honestly had unfinished business with him. i’d known him for a year as a friend, and then after that, we became more ... and we had the most weird ups and downs, but strangely, i think i’m the only one who noticed it. anyhow ... we had a problem around the time my Godmother passed and i just wanted him to leave me alone. i was so mad & hurt by him for deserting me ... and on top of that, mad and hurt that my Godmother was gone, that i just dropped everything.

i never got to tell him about how disappointed i was, and how sad it made me to think about when we used to be friends - because we made great friends.

have you ever been a friend with someone who is just ... beautiful - and i don’t mean PHYSICALLY ... we’re talking about as a PERSON - their personality - their mind & spirit.
well ... that’s how i felt about him. i felt like he was such a beautiful human being. we had pretty much everything in common. the best conversation on earth. but it turned into more. i was charmed ... and in being charmed, i began to trust him & in the end, i was heart broken. why things went that way? i don’t really know ... what i do know is that i am so upset that we became more than friends and shared a love that is a "more than friends love". if we had just stayed friends ... things would be absolutely perfect, right now.

it’s sad. it’s sad that it’s so ruined that we will never be able to call each other "friend" again.

so ... i wrote him and expressed how i felt. i needed to get that off of my chest and i needed for him to read it. even if he doesn’t, though ... i do feel better. i don’t feel like i’m holding anything in about that situation, anymore.

i know this isn’t as awesome as my previous blogs, but .. AH WELL! lol it’s late (3:40a) and i’m about to go to bed.

payce, y’all.

 
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[31 Dec 2007 | Monday] 10:09 PM
so ... it's the new year ... i hope you all have a happy one. so have you all made resolutions? declarations? any of that stuff? i usually don't, but i had a dream last night that was pretty ... strange ... and i can only think that it was trying to tell me "go ahead, girl ... make some resolutions". ? so ... the dream. it was quite painful. i sort of relived the moment when my mom told me that my Godmother passed. it didn't happen in the dream, it was like i was thinking about it in the dream. the crying, the screaming, not being able to catch my breath ... the whole shebang. so ... after i remembered that, my ex-best-friend appeared. i don't remember even talking to him, much ... but i do remember him saying he was going to the store with some people. someone runs to me, not long after, and says there was a shooting at the store ... and that a person in a blue shirt (him) got shot and died. now, keep in mind, this person tore our friendship apart for no good reason ... forget no GOOD reason - just for no reason at all. he was absolutely mean even more than being hurt, i was shocked. [i knew he had shady tendencies, but he crossed that shaded line by 30 yards] but still, when they told me he'd been shot ... my world just CRUMBLED. i screamed ... and i cried ... and i couldn't catch my breath. i was reliving the feeling i got when my Godmother transitioned on over to Glory. so why was i flipping out? was it because, even though we weren't friends, he is a person and his soul wasn't saved? or ... how about because i hadn't forgiven him? ...i think it may have been the latter. ? so there - in that dream were two resolutions. 1) make an active attempt to move on without my Godmother. i can't afford any more breakdowns - and i'm sure i'll have a few more, but i need to trust in God to heal my heart and open myself up to that healing. i HAVE to go on with my life. ? 2) forgive all of the people i am holding something against.?these aren't just people who aren't in my life anymore ... these are also people who i speak to or see everyday and have a good relationship with. now ... the people who aren't in my life anymore ... i don't want them back. but in addition to not wanting them back, i don't that limestone around my neck anylonger. it's heavy and drowning isn't so nice. [refer to the Bible if you're confused about the limestone and drowning] [[cherokee and jay ... i forgive you. i don't want you in my life again, ever, but i forgive you]] ? now, when i came to work today, i was influenced by a co-worker for some other resolutions. my co-worker/good friend veronica is bolivian ... she said that they go to a river and throw a stone behind them to say "this is what i'm leaving behind". she said they?also toss a stone in front of them for the forthcoming year but ... the "this is what i'm leaving behind" made my eyes sparkle. ? this year has been HARD, y'all. i've experienced racism - which honestly isn't something NEW - i get that all of the time ... but it was on my job and i LOST that job. i spent a "vacation" in less than desirable conditions (but that was more interesting than hard, but still stressful). y'all, i lost my Godmother. a person who is like my 2nd mother. she was everything to me, and i thought i was going absolutely crazy. there've been other things throughout the year that i'll just not mention, that have just worn me down. i have to leave it all behind. i've got about a million stones, a few boulders, and some pebbles that i'll be tossing behind me ... look out, wouldn't want them to smack you in the head. ? what else? take care of myself and have fun. i haven't really done that in 2007. psht ... i haven't done that at all. i've had moments of fun but ... that's just about it ... no fun that LASTED. [except for having sleepovers at fe's and watching alias and grey's boxed sets for 2+ days in a row. ... fe, we've GOTTA do that, again!!!] ? the biggest resolution? be back in good standing with God. i've not given Him my full attention. i have before, and man even when i had bad times, they didn't seem so big. and being in good standing with the Lord feels SO good. it's wonderful. so i want to be back in good standing with God. i NEED to be there. my heart is kicking my tail because i need to be there. i need to REALLY put everything?i am and all of my trust in God. God and i talk, daily ... but i know He wants me?closer. hm - is that why i've been wanting to?watch TBN so much? lol e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y i've been watching TBN - the movies. they're all about the rapture, except for the one about the Apostle John when he was imprisoned on Patmos and i watched the 10 commandments last night (updated version lol not charleston heston) ... wow, i'm rambling. ? ANYWAY ... i can't totally diss 2007. i got the most beautiful niece?in the world [SOPHIAAAAAAAA] on april 20. and for the first time in eehhhhh - 6 yrs? somethin like that - i felt like my Godsister really cared about me. even if she never speaks to me again in her whole life?... that one time can last a lifetime. ? so that's it. that's my new year. happy new year to you all. GOD BLESS! and don't forget ... you've only got a few more days until my bday. *wink* ? peace.
 
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[10 Oct 2007 | Wednesday] 4:08 AM

today was the first time in a minute that i've been able to write.

my Godmother transitioned to Glory on september 16 & since, i've felt like i was on the way to the nuthouse.
i still feel half crazy, but since i've WRITTEN - i feel more and more like i won't be in a strate jacket any time soon.

before i even post the piece i wrote today, i want to thank God. God blessed us all with someone SO special. life without her seems unreal ... seriously. i even feel sad for my future children, because they won't have her.

and also ... thank you, Lord, for blessing me with "writing". i don't even NEED to go into detail for that one.

anyway ... here it is:

heartbreaking insanity
in every blind sighted moment
your presence is felt
open eyes are accompanied by a sullen void
disappointment to the umpteenth power
because i happen to not be a spiritual medium
i can't see you ...
insane notions of bribing God for a glimpse ...
a smile
a moment
a hug
even manifesting the notions through screams & tears
ending up feeling ripped off
because i wasn't compensated for what i paid ...
breathing has taken on a new meaning
it's no longer synonymous with living
more so "just existing"
instructions to an intelligent person to
simply move on ... acclimate ... and remember the good times
are complex & incomprehensible
logic written on my heart seems to be a foreign language
the letters blurred & jumbled by my soul's blood
simple skills of listening, talking, and focusing
are something to be learned, again
because none of it is easy, anymore
there's a fine line between
heartbreak & insanity ...
each of my feet are deeply planted in either side ...

peace & God bless ... ls

 
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[18 Sep 2007 | Tuesday] 3:09 AM

i am so broken. my heart can't find my mind, and my mind is screaming for my heart ... trying to tell my heart "it's okayyyy! you'll see her again in Glory! i PROMISE!"

but my heart ... my poor heart just can't comprehend the logic that my mind is speaking: a language incomprehensible.

when i say she wouldn't do this to me ... i say that because i KNOW she wouldn't. she knows i need her. she knows we ALL need her.

i can't imagine her not being alive. i finally accepted that it's real ... yet, at the same time ... it seems that what has happened is absolutely, physically and spiritually IMPOSSIBLE.
this is why i know saturday is going to be ridiculous. i'll have to look at the person i consider my 2nd mom, WITHOUT her saying "hey baby". she won't speak to me. she won't hug me. or kiss me. the first time in 25 yrs it's never happened ...

in the greater scope of things, i know it has NOTHING to do with me. yet & still, though, i am taking personal offense. i trust God with EVERYTHING that i am ... but, like i've been saying: my heart is lost. my heart is nowhere close to being aligned with my spirit & mind [which are definitely seeing eye to eye with God, right now. understanding the greater good of the situation & what a physical death really is.]
so, in my taking offense ... i've been asking, for almost 24 hours [i found out at 11something pm last night] ... "WHY did you take her from me?"

every freaking thing makes me think - which, in turn, makes me cry. EVERYTHING.
i speak ... i hear my voice being hoarse & almost gone. and i remember WHY my voice is almost gone. i remember my mom saying to me, last night, "it's Rose". and i screamed. i screamed so loud, because deep down i was praying that the louder i screamed, the more God would understand that i needed her here & He'd let her come back.
so ... yes. when i hear my own voice ... i cry.

when things are too quiet ... random memories ransack my brain. good memories, no less ... but they ARE memories. and then i start thinking about the future ... ugh it just ... hurts.

i know i said it before, but to everyone who has come to me with their love & prayers ... THANK you. prayer is the only thing that can mend what's been torn.

megan ... you are such a special person & still my best of the best friends. thank you for letting me know you're here. i may not get to see you this weekend, like i'd planned earlier in the week ... (unless you're in chandler sunday?) - but we'll see each other, soon enough. love u.

lanaye ... girlie ... you're wonderful. no one's been able to say something in regards to her transition to glory that has made me feel any different; but what you said soothed my soul. thank you & i love you.

gina ... you are just ... YOU. i know that last night, hearing me crying & going through what i was going through, made you relive last year ... but you STILL let me know you were here for me. you're amazing, and i don't think you know it. i love you.

mom ... i don't know what i would do without you. if you hadn't been here to hold my hand & rub my head ... i would have definitely gone insane. you didn't even have to say anything ... you gave off the strongest vibes of love and care - i felt it. i really did. and i love you so much.

jellie & mika ... jellie, you prayed for me. i could have called anyone, but i needed YOU - and you were there. so thank you - and i love you. and mika ... boo, you called to make sure your auntie was ok ... that was saying "i love you", in itself. love you boo.

i haven't necessarily forgotten anyone - but i'm just ... "not all there".

i'll post a bulletin tomorrow with the service information/details.

 
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[01 Sep 2007 | Saturday] 2:11 AM

[sanity: madlib ' beat konducta vol 3-4: india]
[insanity: a little bit of everything ' tough decisions ' runaway]

starting off on a positive note: the newest madlib joint is so crucial. tons of indian samples [obviously]; to those who haven't ever paid attention: indian music is very beautiful and ... different (in a good way). the indian music paired with madlib's genius? yeah ... go buy the album.

alright ... on to the "other things".
you know ... i recently fell out with a [now former] friend. and really, the things he's said to me didn't hurt my feelings. they DID, however, confuse me.
i didn't do anything to him ... and i'm not saying that to save face or make myself look better. i'm being 100% honest. we were arguing about something that didn't have anything to do with him.
it was an opinion based argument. "if a man wants his woman/female friend to do something she's uncomfortable with ... should she have to do it?"
my answer: "hell no. if she's uncomfortable, she's uncomfortable ... and that's the end of it."
his answer: "hell yes."

i saw it is insensitive and piggish. it wouldn't have been an argument, but he decided to scream & yell at me.
if his screaming/yelling/not letting me get a word in edge-wise wasn't enough to piss me off, i was already upset about something else.
and when salathia gets THAT mad [& you add frustration into the equation]... she cries. *shrug*
after i saw that the conversation was going nowhere & that i STILL, after minutes, couldn't get a word in ... i hung up. why should i sit there and be BADGERED/DISRESPECTED!?
only a few seconds later ... he calls back. i said i didn't want to talk about it. he asked if i hung up on him. i told him yes. he then said some very obscene things that involved "f*<% you".
not hurt, just astonished.

do you know this fool is talking badly about ME to people? he even involved a mutual friend of ours in the bs, by leaving her a message to pass on to me. [she happens to have sense & let him know he shouldn't put her in the middle.]

he is acting like i did him an injustice. on top of that, he keeps saying things about my mom, my niece, and my great-niece. calls them whores, calls the baby ugly ... wtf?

this boy is almost 27 yrs old.
there were a few times when i got a twinge of "ooh, i'm mad", but it quickly went away. asked God to handle it ... and He will. over it.

the reason i'm talking about this situation is because it's absolutely STUPID. you know - kids do that kind of thing. talk about you & your family to try to get a rise out of you. get mad at you for absolutely no reason. pass messages through mutual acquaintances.

if you read this & you think, "what a DUMBass" ... & then realized that you've done something along the lines of this - whether this extreme or not ... reflect on how stupid it is & don't do it again.

new subject:
if you are in a relationship with someone who happens to be absolutely nuts ... leave. and i'm not talking about nuts as in "we argue all the time". i'm talkin about knock you upside the head with a baseball bat, scratch you up, and stab you ... that type of nuts.

it puts your family at an inconvenience. your family feels torn ... because while you are STUPID  for staying with the person ... we can't help but feel pissed off that your significant other actually got close to taking your life.

get a grip. get a clue. get out of the situation.
and then go on with life.

again, a new subject:
i'm thinking about sitting still for a couple of years. THINKING about it ... you know how much i hate texas & how hard it will be for me to stay here.
but i have a nice opportunity that i would like to hold on to for a little while. and this will give me a minute to get some things in order.
we'll see how that works.

oh ... and i'm about to start school again. for the 50th time lol ... yay!

that's about it ... i'll be posting pictures of sophi, soon ... she got her ears pierced! the most beautiful girl in the world! love that baby!!!

wait, wait! a couple of shouts:
my sister CLAWZ ... i'm SO happy for you & can't wait to come visit the new place. GO HEAAAD MAMA! and you are doing so well [emotionally ... you know what i'm talkin about] ... i am proud of you, sis.

and to my pseudo-bro DRES FROM THE BAY. i want DETAILS! lol HAVE FUN IN B-MORE!!!

alright ... i'm done.
good closing song? paved paradise - joni mitchell (don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? ...)
it applies to so many things & i could sing it to so many people ...
joni mitchell neva lies ...

 
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[22 Aug 2007 | Wednesday] 1:04 AM

it's about that time. i realized that i need to go ahead and make some cuts, again. so ... please do not ask who will not be making it into the next season of my life. and please don't ask me if it's you. don't assume, either. just let it be. and respect my decision. don't come to me with "oh, so it's like that now?" ... don't even want to hear that shit.

if i cut a person from my life, it doesn't mean i don't care for the former friend of mine. it just means you are not making enough of a positive impact on my life, for whatever reason. there could definitely be [and there probably are] other reasons - but that is generally the BIG reason. negative outweighing positive is not a pretty sight.

let me reiterate: do not ask me shit about this. i don't care if you think "oh that's my girl, she'll tell me". actually, i won't.

payce.


oh - other than that. there are a few people that i miss dearly - and ironically, i talk to most of them quite often. i just miss them today. those peeps would be: "my him" - cherokee. my sister, officer clawz ga[muthafuckin]law. my brother, terry. and my bud - the asshole, jay.
i miss you guys. lol i talked to some of you today, but i still miss you guys.

 
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[01 Aug 2007 | Wednesday] 6:03 AM

sitting here ... talking to my sis ebony. out of nowhere, i expressed something and realized how ... serious it is.

i miss somebody. it's only been a few days since hearing his voice last but ... i miss him.

damn ... damn.

 
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