been a while since i posted on this dealie, hmm, even in a good mood it seems...oh well heres whats up for those who care....

done with school for the semester whoo!!! i gotta enjoy my summer cause once fall hits its back to being busy as hell...

still working at unos, picking up a lot of shifts, making the big bucks haha, well maybe not really...

my flavor of the week has seemed to have stuck around longer then i thought and it has been one of the most pleasant surpises ive had...well aside from the ball breaking... but yeah its nice to finally have someone i can be myself around and (dare i say it) trust?...hehe i still have my insecurities but dont we all??

after 7 years i FINALLY got a lead role in a show... the fall opera haha... so lets see...my true passion and talents lie in musical theatre, yet my only leads have been in a straight play and an opera...wow, wtf? oh well... i had a lot of performing this semester, i got to dothe womens choir concert, had an amazing cabaret at my old high school....can't forget my record of singing in front of 2600 people (and NOT peeing my pants YEAH!) at the UN grand assembly hall, and this weekend, possibly a dream come true, performing Mozarts Requiem at Carnegie Hall... ha, my second time singing there.....yeah i guess i am pretty lucky with that stuff i dont know... i guess to me it alll sounds impressive but really isnt, but i guess its just me....

so thats been about it in my life, ive got a year until graduation, ive got a pretty decent job, my upcoming opera debut, and dare i say it, the love of my life (no i REALLY mean it this time) all and all things seem pretty good, but i still feel like i should be doing bigger better things... but then i never am satisfied..maybe i should listen to more pep talks...:)

so i guess thats it for now, working 3 doubles this week, then its rehearsals and my performance, then some well deserved time with my baby

ciao

xoxoxoxoxoxxo

UltraViolet417: i have work, then i have tog et my nails done cause the owner is going on vacation, then i have to go to the gym and work on my literature review, then lauren needs to talk to me about some shit
UltraViolet417: i need to make a list for lorraine cauae shesgoing to shop rite friday
UltraViolet417: fix the candy do the baskets
whitefolks82: what do you want me to cook for sunday?
UltraViolet417: i dont know
UltraViolet417: whatever you want to deatr
UltraViolet417: then after all that the house is still am ess
UltraViolet417: monday i have to dub a recording of the mikado cause i want to audition in may
UltraViolet417: i need to email my teachers about some shit, call the counseling place
UltraViolet417: gop through my clothes see what im getting rid of
UltraViolet417: try to figure out when the hell i an help with
SAI stuff, sarah wants me to take the 6th off to go to a concert with her
UltraViolet417: and i have the womens choir too
UltraViolet417: i need to start working mnore once sxchool ends so i can get money for the convention and london and whatever it is were doing this summer...,
UltraViolet417: then i still need to get my ish together so i can finish my dental work, and see the ey doctor so i can get another pair of glasses
UltraViolet417: and i need to see my doctor cause im supposed to have a follow up blood test
UltraViolet417: then on top of that, still maintianing my relationships with all of my friends and you
UltraViolet417: oh yeah, the dog needs a bath and she needs to see the vet too
UltraViolet417: i think thats about everything
UltraViolet417: oh wait i mentioned finishing my exporiments, my lit review and the final paper for my senoir class, and the test on tuesdsy and the research project due next wednesday...

i dont know how the hell im getting through this... god i cant wait till the middle of may when all this nightmarte will be mostly over... or maybe itll never end, but this is life i suppose...

(i was inspired to do this when i was on the path and saw 2 of those yuppie hoboken douches (you know who i mean) and they were totally dressed the same with their jeans and blazers and the same spectrum of safety blue shirt...the hell man?)

"ya know whats tragic? blazers and blue jeans. quite the sexy look, even promoted by me at express, but as good as it looks, its just so fucking viciously played out like the striped polos. what the fuck they all dress the same as if of some yuppie army...WTF people?!? independence, preach it, fucking loud and proud bitch! if when guy friends dress alike its just fucking gay dude suck it up live the now! and girls too, all blonde tan robots wtf? all carbon copied, so fucking ignorant, do you think youre cool? youre fucking pathetic. this is my vision, deluded but cleaner than the lives theyll ever see. cloudy eyes, the windows to the soul...your windows are fogged, how the fuck will you EVER see? you wont, youll put up decorative curtains and believe that is your world. delusioned and you dont even realize, yet that is precisely your problem."

(now this one i wrote on the cab ride home... when i thought of its fun to be free and be bad... but there are nights when it would be nice to have someone to go home to)

"i feel almost like an alley cat. out in the night for a good time, but theres  no one who loves me that i can call my own to truly go home to. this alley cat belongs to no one but the night. and many want to take her home but shell never go home except to the one that she belongs to."

yeah i did this survey as a bulletin, but i enjoyed it so much i thought id make it a blog... so if you ever wanted to know me in high school lol... read on or if  you were there with me, check it out :)

(i basically havent changed since then... my metaphorical balls just got bigger lol...and no i dont have physical ones either.. hehe, jerkass)

(yeah i stole this... what?)

Take this survey about your High School memories. If you're still in HS, answer for the present.
1) Where did you graduate from and what year?Saint Dominic Academy - 2000 (fuck im old)

2) Did you have school pride? lol not really no, but anyone talk shit about the glee club and i was ready to kick some ASS!

3) Was your prom a night to remember? not really, i mean i lookd fabulous...but my date was well... lol lets just say i didnt get any...(but dont worry ive made up for it... i never did get my second chance prom though...)

4) Do you own all 4 Yearbooks? lol, no... lucky i got the one senior year...

5) What was the worst trouble you ever got into ? nothing ever that huge... but i was in the vice principals office an awful lot... yeah by senior year we were pretty tight, hehe

6)What kind of people did you hang out with? everyone man... the gleebers, the freaks, oh wait...maybe that was it... fuck it...hey i wasnt popular, but everyone knew who i was :-D

7) What was your number 1 choice of College in HS? Pace University, or Seton Hall... (LONG fucking story there...)

8) What radio station did you jam out to in highschool? 92.3 K-Rock kid

!9) Were you involved in any organizations or clubs? D-damn, glee club, dominoes, gardening club, all those prep musicals, theatre club...and even JV soccer my freshman year (to which i SUCKEDDDDDD)

10)What were your favorite classes in High School? lol uh.... i actually like social conflict, and um, drama was okay, and that history course, sr jean was awesome!

11) Who was your big crush in Highschool? Mr Hawthorne... oh sweet mother is he gorgeous.....

12) Would you say you've changed a lot since highschool? definitely....lol actually not that much, i just stand up alot more... and i think i got a lot hotter, lol i definitely can get more guys...(and not have them STOLEN heh)

13) What do you miss the most about it? LOL the notebook ;-), reading SJs south park sda stories, living on orange soda and famous amos cookies... being done with the day at like 230 and hanging with my hudson friends...

14) Your worst memory of HS? having no date for the millenium dance... that sucked... oh and our junior class DESTROYING remember me this way at the ring ceremony...ugh what a travesty...yeah all those times when i got made fun of and i never have the balls or the esteem to say "hey bitch, shut your fucking face..."

15) Did you have a car? nope and i still dont... got nice gams from all that walkin though lol

16) What were your school colors? blue and white?

17) Who were your fav. teachers? hmmm, mr napoli lol, mrs iglesias, mrs criaris, mr hawthorne mmm

18) Did you own a cell phone in highschool? lol no, the hell did i need one for?

19) Did you leave campus for lunch? lol a few times, but no one ever knew hehe....

20) If so, where was your fav. place to go eat? lol that ghetto chicken place on bergen ave across from husdon (lol you where im talkin about) oh and our hero, still the best sandwhiches ever!!

21) Were you always late to class? LOL AHAHAHAHAHA... ( to those that know me this is a funny question!) yes i was always late, i used to get the detention slips put them in a pen and wear them in my hair... yeah thats pride!

22) Did you ever have to stay for Saturday School ? once or twice usually for being late so many damn times... wait does saturday sectionals count? HA!!

23) Did you ever ditch? lol...yeah... ah yes, my mornings at Mc donalds...followed by bewitched marathons...

24) When it comes time for the reunion will you be there? lol oh fuck yeah! i cant wait.... :: evil diabolical (but gorgeous) grin::

25) Do you wish you were still in high school? i wish more than anything to be there exactly as i am now... it would be so much better knowing what i know now....lol basically consisting of telling off people who have it coming and hooking up with high school boys... sigh what a life that would be...

ahhh sweet bejesus.....

i dont know, i dont know, i dont know..

(oh wait, ill need to translate this for those not inside my head...)

so yes, my wednesday date (i never like to name names...) was so much friggin fun, we did kareoke even though i only got to do one song..which sucks, he seemed to be impressed which is always good... after we left there we impulsively went to the city where we had drinking and smoking and good times... and also an insane amount in common... but anyway...

saw him again friday..through sunday lol... i didnt even get to see my saturday... and i LOVE my saturdays...(well not literally love, you know what i mean) lol so yeah still need to reconcile with him...

the weekend was just wonderful, got to meet his friends, seemed like they already knew me which was weird...(but he told them about me, so that an aww) went to two of his gigs...it was aweosme to see him in his element....and hes really good too (thank god, someone i wont have to lie to about that lol...not that i ever would im too mean to do that)

but anyway... yes, totally hit it off with the conversing and the canoodling..(i think i spelt that wrong...)

ps- were going out on valentines day YAY!

but heres where it goes weird...at least according to my friggin paranoia...he was supposed to come over today, i was all excited till i get the text message that he cant come..( i swear my little heart just about dropped in the middle of target)

so yeah i guess he had some ish to do... but now im wondering if he was really busy or did i get blown off? past ish has just made me so damn insecure and afraid......

and usually i dont care about this kind of thing... but i do care now... cause im starting to care for him... so of course once i get real feelings for someone i automatically think that theyre not going to like me...god, do i have paranoia or what? but i mean, we just click so well that i know i said i didnt want one.....y know the r-thing... but i think i would with him...but who knows if thats even what hes looking for? if my past experiences have shown me anything.....girlfriends arent exactly on the list for many of these guys i talk to...but who knows stranger things have happened...

but i suppose ill just go on with what ive been doing then cross the bridges when i get to them.....

as for the rest of my life... yes there is more to my life than the Cosmo dating diary (i just find that more interesting to write about)

still working at unos, its still good so far... i really want to start training to be a server i really need to start making more money especially with all the things id like to do...

class is also not as bad as i thought it would be, my senior seminar is going to be a bitch and a half... i still need to figure out a project... but anyway... ive also been putting more thought into what i want to do with my masters/doctorate, etc... it would be cool to have my own practice but for starters im debating between a high school counselor (the useful kind) and a social worker, because especially with whats been going on since that little girl died, i know that the ACS will be hiring a lot more of them... but could i put up with the high demand? who knows... i suppose i could always try a co-op in different areas and see how it goes..... i still need to do the research i guess...but any psych people that may know of something i dont, drop me a message....

i guess thats it for now... ive ranted enough...

oh yeah i also hate my landlord and this damn house...

okay now i think im done ranting....

lol i hope this blog was inspiring and worth reading lol and as always comments, advice, and encouragement are always appreciated.

xoxo

"do you want me

like i want you?

or am i standing still

beneath the darkened sky?

or am i standing still

with the scenery flying by?

or am i standing still?

out of the corner of my eye,

was that you

passing me by?"-Jewel

so yes, first day of school, hmm lol...

no it was lovely... yoga was okay, finally got to go to the gym today, got to see a couple of my friends, and meet someone new lol... uh, didnt go to my second class...lol yes kids only me would cut class on the first day...lol but i had a pretty good reason...and thats all ill say...

thats about it for now... had a date the other day, i had fun, ate sushi till i burst...he was nice too, not my soul mate or anything, but a new friend at least..have a date tomorrow so im pretty optimistic about that....then of course i have my saturday.....kinda like my mel bushman hehe....still no v-day date yet... but i suppose after this week ill be able to make my bids and figure out who i want to ask...and if theyll even say yes.. oy...

but heres my latest rant.... okay, so i dont really want a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing right now....(aka: my ex fucked with my heart and my head to possible irreversable damage leaving me terrified to trust anyone with my heart again...) and here i am meeting pretty good guys you know one or two have been fourtunate to catch my immediate fancy.... but then i get almost the exact same speech which i can almost recite like a simpsons episode ive seen a kerjillion times..... im great, things are great, my personality rocks and im a total hottie blah blah blah, but im just not looking for a girlfriend or a relationship...

so okay, yes, neither am i... but for some reason it still stings ya know? and im not sure why...like i know its just a current life decision thing, but i cant help taking it personally.... almost like, okay, so im good enough for a fuck and to watch cartoons with say, but im not quite good enough to be someones girlfriend? the hell? lol when did i stop being girlfriend material? not that i want to be though...but i guess its the thought that no one wants me to be....

its like, im tired of guys seeing me as just like, someone to screw and leave alone you know? i dont want a serious relationship, but im getting tired of being someone's fuck buddy.....isnt there some happy medium where i dont have to be tied down, and yet not have to feel cheap either.... im better than that i know i am, sigh i just dont get it... it goes back to my past post the "theres 2 types of girls, the kind you fuck and the kind you marry" im sick of being seen as the girl you fuck.... and i know, yes then stop acting like such a whore lol

but i dont exactly want to be the girl you marry either, i mean usually theyre the ones that get cheated on with the girls you fuck... ive always wanted to be both i guess... like the one you love, but can also tell everything too, lol even the lewd open stuff....

i just dont know how to really feel about this, maybe im just being touchy i dont know... but id just like to be seen for me, yeah im sexy sure, but theres so much more to me...

lol i might be good at the lovin physically, but emotionally im just as great... and i love music, and art, and poetry... im actually more sensitive and in touch then i would lead myself to be.....and im getting tired of people who want to look more up my skirt than in my eyes....

or something to that effect.

got sick in the middleof the week, finally feeling better... but ugh i feel like ive been shut in all week... and even though ive had friends staying with me, i cant help but feel so damn lonely...then again, when do i not? maybe itll go away once i start getting busy with class and work....

ive been talking to a few guys, some of them look promising so i guess ill see what goes from there..and valentines day coming up in a month... meh... times to start rounding me up a date...haha this oughta be fun...sigh...

maybe itll be fun to go back to school again, i know there are a few people looking forward to seeing me again so it should be okay....  sigh, i just wish i knew what was going to happen to me... but then i guess it wouldnt be life now would it... but im starting to lose sight of my plans... i mean things arent  the same as they were...well what i thought they were going to be a few years ago... so now it like i have to start over and refigure almost everything......i just hope that eventually everything will fall into place and that life will get better than this and all this struggling that im dealing with will soon turn around and will all be a distant memory and i will finally be where im meant to be and ill be happy.... like... it just has to....

because if its not, then why the fuck am i bothering? then i think of that movie you know? what if this is as good as it gets? fucking unsure future and no one to really share it with.... well at least not right now....

damn being shut in has made me really depressed....

the more i look through guys, i realize that the one for me is just not out there... lol i mean with the searching ive been doing if he was out there, i wouldve found him.....

i find that im not the hopeless romantic i used to be... when it comes to love im becoming quite emotionally dead to it....the closest i have come lately is "hmm, this is okay, but...."  i dont know what the hell happened to me...okay this is a lie i know exactly what the hell happend to me...

i just found that whenever i gave my heart to someone it always turned out to be not such a good idea... and in some cases that is a complete fucking understatement....

of all the guys in florida... i did like a few i guess, but it was far from anything with love... and there was that week-long affair with the england guy, who i did really adore actually...but sadly, we havent spoken in a long time...so there went that i guess...

then NC......well..... no, yes, him... i care about him a lot i really, really do.. so much...but then it seems like he can go either way with or without me...

 and the true love is when you cant possibly picture your life without that other person and you need them and its passionate and romantic you know? thats what i want... ive been so fucking romance deprived its absolutley insane... then again any romance i did happen to be a part of mightve gotten looked over on account of my lack of emotions toward them... hmm so this is what it feels like to be a guy...lol.... 

and passion, drive, fucking spontinaeity..... the hell happened to these things? have i become so undeserving of them? what if my vicous fantasies of what i thought was love is the closest that ill ever get to any of it...

ill spend the rest of my life conving the ones that love me that they really dont and the ones that dont love me that they really do....the fuck was that a curse? bastard.....

perhaps who im looking for is simply not where im looking....i always felt like i didnt really belong in this place... but im stuck here till i graduate but maybe after that ill travel like ive wanted to... hmm ill have a lot of saving to do lol.... either way i feel that the person currently in my heart may just be my last, and if giving my heart to him turns out to be yet another stupid mistake then i do believe im done.... to ressurect it then would truly be a miricle....

in addition to these thoughts..

in my own experience and through the stories of others i have realized before finding the one, there will be two other types you will encounter... and you will question them being the one, but the truth will always come to light.....

the first is something like the one that you WANT to be the one, they seem absolutely perfect, and its all great romance, and unfourtunatley you will fall hard for them, and you will always love them somewhere in your heart...they may also seem like the one that got away, but in time you will be glad they did... the only example of this is can think of is say Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca..... or Hubble and Katie in The way were... i cant think of any present day examples, but i know my friends have encountered these guys but for their privacy i cant use them as a reference, but if youre reading this, you know who i mean....(and if you can think of a good example, please comment with it)

now the second is the one that you almost wish could be the one, or just so damn close its crazy... the one thing missing, you just dont love them..... prfect example of this is Carrie and Aidan in Sex and the City....this guy/girl knows everything about you is otherwise your best friend on papr really had it all and would otherwise give you the world...only thing.....you just dont love them, or rather, youre not in love with them.... (in some cases its because youre ususally into the first person listed above....) and for most part, you blame yourself... , and hell you may even TRY to love them... or maybe some people might even say "hell if the only thing wrong are my feelings then screw it", and decide to be with them anyway...and hey if you can live with the lie than more power to you..... (again anyone knows more examples of this youre welcome to share....)

and hell im not even sure if there will only be one of each type... some people may have had like 2 of type #1and 3 of type #2

but for me the common link of these is that, the person seems otherwise perfect.... which leads me to believe that the "one" is not perfect... i mean where we would see the 2 types as perfect, we would see this other person had flaws but we wold simply love them anyway.... we know were not perfect, so if our mate was, the kind of pressure and expectations that go with that are ridiculous....

wow what a revelation, lol...now if only i knew what the hell to do with it...

but if the one i think might be the one turns out not to be the one, then fuck, i might just have to regroup.....

id appreciate any comments opinions on this blog, i know i never get comments on these ever...but for this one, id really like to know if im onto something here....

thanks for reading kids

love you all

Razz

so far so good this new year... ive been working on my new years resolutions already

went to the gym today saw natasha and greg (oh ps, her ring is gorgeous! ) and greg looks pretty hot too lol....

New Years eve was fun, went to a huge party with Lara, made some new friends...Definitely got trashed...it was an awesome time!

other than that, still training at unos, by thursday ill pass my tests and finally be a hostess...huzzah!

cant wait for school to start though...ive been bored out of my mind.. besides lara ive had no one to really go out with...so when shes working or school, or having couple time lol i have like nothing to do...

my object at school will be to find lots of people that i can go out and hang out with...like in florida, i had like tons of friends that i could go out with and go to the parks and meet for drinks or go dancing....

i miss going out to baside tavern on friday nights...and what happened to henrietta hudsons, hmmm???

so i guess thats all i have for now... hmm, i might be getting a visit from a special someone this friday if they can make it in, and i REEAAALLLYY hope they can...  

ciao kitties....

lol yea.... its a metaphor guys... you wanna know just ask... :)

in other news i finally got a job at uno's in downtown jersey city so yay for that... just finished my second day there... the people are nice so far, so so far so good...

i finally got plans for new years... rocking party with boys in bands, oh my! hehe...hopefully thatll do me some good...

still talking to the oreo (codename, ha.) so things are good with that, but i still dont think he loves me....damn....so easy to seduce but so hard to hard to get them to love you lol if only the heart anf the oohoo could trade spots...

but anyway,

my house has gotten a lot cleaner, still not anything great though, i have a lot of work left to do...sigh, but at least my aunts talking to me again, so i dont feel like such a monster....

christmas was pretty great, i got a digital camera (hence the new pics :) ) and it was great spending the time with my brothers, lol it amazes me how alike we are without really having spent much time with each other.. lol well i guess thats the DNA for ya...

but they make me feel old sometimes lol, for the love of god, they didnt know who capitan CAVEMAN was! ::cry::

itll be nice to go back to school, i miss my friends man... sitting in the lounge and such, even though i dont have any music classes this semester...ah well screw it...

also added a new place to the list of places i have to go before i die, Disneysea in Tokyo... its SO friggin cool, they have like a total ariel LAND!! mermaid lagoon look it up, then the hotel is supposed to be like classic italian...ooh, i want to go SOOO bad!!  im sure ill get there someday... sigh, i need to get some of that money stuff lol....

thats it for now kitties, happy new year!!!

MUAH!!

"And will we ever

end up together?

No, i think not.

It's never to become,

for i am not

the one....." Nightmare Before Christmas-Sally's Song