So I'm sitting here watching some stupid talent show

they have this red neck guy come on

and he sang this song my dad used to sing to me

when he'd drive me home from his place in fremont.

it was the last song he ever sang to me

and i just cried... and cried... and cried.

fucking hell.

seriously i can't stop crying

this is disturbing me.




Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
Shes lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

(chorus)

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
cause Ive lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where theres no second chance to tell her how I feel

*chorus*

So tell that someone that you love
Just what youre thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am.  An old stalker of mine (Mark, if you recall from about two years back) came into my work today and had them relay a message to me that I need to call him, he's moving to Georgia.  How often does a stalker say 'hey yeah so, I'm leaving town so you don't have to cringe every time you see a skinny bald head guy walking down the street at night'?  I suppose I am thankful?  As a side note obviously I am not calling, I don't care. 

I've had a weird couple of weeks.  I've had stress from many directions.  As much as I try not to let it really effect me it wears at me slowly stripping me nearly to the bone.  I feel weak and sinewy when I try to get out of bed and my soul just cringes at the thought of the next complication looming somewhere around the corner.  Paranoia set in by lack of sleep, exhaustion and over all tiredness.  For as busy as I've been I feel almost stagnate and I don't understand.  I have no extra energy.

Even though I agree with my inner self that I am deserving of the feeling of tiredness I am constantly paranoid I am taking it out on others.  My aggravation is easily triggered, my lips fall quiet, my mind wanders to strange thoughts.  I begin feeling like I did long ago when I'd be awake for a week at a time in my bedroom drawing and writing.  When my fingers bled and painted my drawings simply from the blisters.  I just feel strung too thin like a ball of string thrown across the floor.  You start with a large mass, momentum carrying it forward unyielding but as the string is layed behind it's path the ball grows smaller until it is simply a long strand a string.  No momentum, no driving force. 

It'll get better, I know.  Once things even out especially my work schedule I will feel back to 'normal'.  It's just the wait that really bothers me...  And the realization that my weakness effects others.  For this I apologize.  I am only as strong as I can pretend to be and I am not one to play pretend.

It's beyond the time of coaxing myself into a sleep like state.  Turning off the lights and tossing and turning.  Forcing my mind to wander and controlling my breathing until it reaches a slow steady rate.  I need to set up a sleepy time play list on my computer something soothing and entrancing...  That'd probably help.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.  Good night morning.

meh, i just can't sleep.  when i do it's not enough
when i need to i just cant

I make you feel like a human by treating you as an animal.

You make me feel like an animal, as I indulge myself in you.

I treat you as an animal, but who is the animal here?

Is a human a trained, intelligent animal, caged in his or her own intellect?

Can we fully be true to ourselves by indulging in only our intellect?

Will our animal inside us claw until we are weak and bleeding from our hearts?

-unknown

from a blog

PepsiCo announced Wednesday morning a multi-year distribution deal with the makers of the energy drink Rockstar. Rockstar was co-created by Dr. Michael Weiner who, despite his wang-centric last name, is better known as conservative radio host Michael Savage. You may remember Savage from such classics as “Get AIDS and die, you filthy sodomite!” or “autistic kids are brats who haven’t been told to cut the act out.”

The hate runs in the family since his equally conservative wife, Janet, serves as the company’s CFO, while his son Russell is the cofounder of the Paul Revere Society, which campaigns for the deportation of all illegal immigrants -- serves as the CEO. They’re dog, Adolph, has lobbied for the term “doggy style” to be removed from the vernacular since it is associated with homos and, in his words, gives dogs a bad name.

Because of this I have written a letter to PepsiCo informing them of my disappointment, hurt and outrage, and that I am enacting and fully supporting a boycott of all Pepsi products. I suggest you do the same:

county fair this week.  i will be there.  oddly i love going there and buying up all the good jewlery and jewlery parts and petting animals!!!  corn dogs here i come!!!

I am currently filling my laptops memory full of music.  Pretty much getting full albums and weeding out the bullshit.

So far I have...

O, Brothere Where Art Thou Soundtrack 6 tacks

Kill Bill Soundtrack  2 tracks

Natural Born Killer Soundtrack 14 tracks

Lost Highway Sountrack 4 tracks

Garbage 24 tracks 
     albums Bleed Like Me, Garbage

The Lonley Island  19 tracks
      album Incredibad

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds 183 tracks
      albums Abittoir Blues, B Sides and Rarities Volume I and II, The Boatmans Call, Dig!! Lazerous Dig!!, The Firstborn is Dead, From Her to Eternity, The Good Son, Henry's Dream, Let Love In, The Lyre of Orpheus, Murder Ballads, No More Shall We Part, Nocturama, Tender Prey

Nine Inch Nails 48 tracks
       albums Broken, The Fragile, The Downward Spiral, With Teeth, Year Zero

The Plain White T's 1 track

Rise Against  14 tracks
     albums Siren Songs Of The Counter Culture, The Unraveling, Revolutions Per Minute

The Toy Dolls  30 tracks
     albums  Covered In Toy Dolls, Iddle Gossip, One More Megabyte, Our Last Album, Singels 83-84, Orcastrated, Ten Years Of Toys

Ween  10 tracks
      album 12 Golden Country Greats

V.A.S.T. 100 tracks
      albums V.A.S.T., Music For The People, April, Nude, Turqoise and Crimson, A Complete Demonstration, various demos

VNV Nation 43 tracks
      albums  Futureperfekt, Praise The Fallen, Dark Angel


...So... What am I missing.  Suggestions for music anyone?
 

I recall clearly the sterile smell of the small room.  My tiny frame dwarfed by the large couch they made me sit upon.  She sat and stared at me, waiting for me to speak.  I sat staring at the folds and crevices in the aged flesh that was her neck.  Her hair wrapped in a haphazard bun atop her head and silver rimmed glasses like a librarian.  I never liked librarians.  I absolutly didn't like my state appointed 'psychiatrist'.

"So three of your friends have died this month you mother tells me?"  She inquired while peering over her glasses at me. 

I was staring at the wall making pictures out of the wood grain when her impatient foot tapping caught my attention.

"So...  Three of your friends have died this month your mother tells me..."  She repeated.  "How does this make you feel?"

I shrugged and stared her in the eye straight through her God fearing soul.

"If I recall a few months back you lost three friends in a car accident, another friend was murdered and someone committed suicide."  She added, her eyebrow raised waiting for some sort of viable reaction.

I nodded my head slightly.  I was pre-occupied watching the gardener outside the window raking leaves as the sun went down.  I hated the fact I had no choice in my psychiatrist.  I felt if it was 'mandatory' I should have to go for being the survivor of violent crime then perhaps I should get my pick instead of being ridiculed by this bitch.

I could see her eyeing me up and down.  Sizing up my appearance which by her standards was shocking and a cry for help.  Perhaps emaciated, pale, wearing black, still didn't quite get the concept of how to wear makeup without looking like I applied it with a melted crayon.  A goth, a Satanist, a witch, a self mutilating cat killing drug addict.  Judging by her religious conviction I'm sure I am not too far off on her presumptions.

"Do you feel you cause all this death around you?  That you bring this upon people?" she asked as she glared at my chipped black and red nail polish.

A smile crossed my lips and my laughter filled the room.  The sound shocked her as I had not spoken once since I sat on that couch. 

"Don't you think if I thought I could kill people simply by being around them I'd have an ego?" I asked.

She scoffed at me and scribbled her evil little notes in the book that she would try to use to commit me.  The book that contained all the evidence in the world that I was a threat to others.  If she was any sort of good psychiatrist she'd have realized I was always more a threat to myself.

depressed sleep deprived ramblings...




I sit here quietly in the dark
My music playing through the room
The song I played when she left this world
It brings tears to my eyes

A love song written by a man for his angel
But it always made me think of her
As if it was penned for my sweet Lilly

As we pass through this illusion
This wall of water of sand
People they come
But I always see them go

Building a repitore of loss
So many I loved drifted away
Lost between the grains of sand in the hour glass
Never to be seen again

-K



Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
"Into My Arms"


I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candlew burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

Down in the willow garden, me and my love did meet
And as we sat a-courting, my love fell off to sleep
I had a bottle of burgundy wine; my love, she did not know
And so I poisoned that dear little girl along the banks below
Along the banks below


I drew my saber through her; it was a bloody night
I threw her in the river, which was a dreadful sight
My father often told me that money would set me free
And so I murdered that dear little girl whose name was Rose Connelly
Whose name was Rose Connelly


My father sits at his cabin door wiping his tear-dimmed eyes
His only son soon should walk to yonder scaffold high
My race is run beneath the sun; the scaffold now waits for me
For I did murder that dear little girl whose name was Rose Connelly
Whose name was Rose Connelly
Whose name was Rose Connelly

nick cave and the bad seeds

one of my favorites.