So.. our last year of softball. Makes me sad, in some ways makes me feel like all hours and hours of watching my daughter win, lose, playing amazing and play less then steller is very quickly coming to an end.  At times that scares me to death.  I’ve been a softball mom for....10+ years and all I can think of is now what?  She leaves for college, and I’m ... no longer who I was... and I worry about who I’ll become. 

I guess what I’m going to do is just enjoy... this year above all others I’m going to sit back and just watch her doing what she loves....and just be proud, supportive and remember what is was like when she was this silly kid in a ponytail trying to outplay, out catch, out last everyone else. 

We won tonight.  11-0... she had some amazing hits...4 at bats, 3 hits and took a ball to the ass for the team.  Go Amanda.  Great job... just play and enjoy this year.  I love you!!

Ok... well it's almost Christmas.. and I'm so excited.. funny huh? Some old hag 38 year old lady can't wait for Christmas.  This year is gonna be odd... everyone knows what they are getting.. I took my daughter  shopping because if you buy her anything without her already seeing it... you know it's going back.  My son... lord help us.  He's going on a booty call the day after Christmas.  We helped arrange airfair and a hotel and helped to pay for it.  Soooo he's all set..   You know the worst thing about being Mom and Dad.. is you get to have the sex talks with your son.  Trust me.. that was something I would rather have left to Brian.. except for I'm sure both the men would have wanted to run to thier repsective bedrooms and pulled the covers over their heads and pray they never saw each other again.   Brian knows what he's getting.. the only suprises in the house will be.. me!!  Unless I can find his damn hiding place!!!!  Trust me.. I've looked...hard. 

Now.. The next interesting thing is.. ok.. well there in ever anything interesting in here.. but.. =)  next thing is... some odd teenager walked into our house on Tuesday.. there I was rounding the corner coming out of my living room.. and poof... some freakin' kid is walking through my back door.... Ummm WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?    I was.. more then a little wigged out.   So.. fun followed when the police showed up.. and the questions started flying... I swear if I ever see that little beastagain I'm gonna sit my fat butt on him until he turns blue and his little eyes pop out of his head!!  

I don't know.. not much else I can think of right now =)  Hugs all.. and since I don't write very often.. have a Very Merry Christmas =)

I keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my love pure as gold.

I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my sweet love

And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too.

Sometimes.... things go wrong....and you wonder if maybe you've allowed someone to be to close.  The little coats of paint I've lost just maybe.. should never have been washed away... maybe just maybe they should have been kept right where they were.  The hurts wouldn't hurt so badly.. the sadness ...you wouldn't see.  The trust would never have been given.... I'm not even sure I can repaint and look normal.... I'm not sure I have the energy or the courage to even try.  Right now I wish with all my heart that my little paintbrush.. would cover me up and hide me away. 

Oh brother.. just when you think life is good.. that big old sick bug bites your ass hard.  Now don't get me wrong.. there are times when a well placed, well timed bite feels pretty good...but lord.... the sick bug bite is nasty.  So far I've got a middle ear infection.. which.....well given my true nature doesn't really effect me all that much since I'm always a bit dizzy... and a sinus infection... and now.. the back of my throat looks like a science project on how to grow fur... I guess if you look in the bright side.. I've been catching up on my sleep.. my work mates stay as far away from me as possible.. and I've turned into a whining little baby.... so.. nobody bugs me, and people are waiting on me hand and foot...... I feel a bit guilty about that..  I'm sure my time will come when everyone else in the house is sick and I'm the one doing all the running..  =)   guess I can deal with that..

Hope everyone elses week is going great.. and I'll talk to you guys soon.  Hugs

It's an odd day.. one that makes me think and wonder... like looking at someones my space and seeing how.. things that were once there are no longer there.  At times it makes you wonder if while they delete things.. they are changing too.  You loose friends.. and at times feel sad about it.. but know that if they were that easy to loose they were not real friends anyway.  Feelings change.. and you find yourself sitting around asking what to do about it.  And in the end.. do nothing because it's easier that way.  I hate change.. don't do real well with it.... I miss the people I thought were friends....and given the way my life runs.. I find that there are very few people I would give my whole heart to anyway.  People drop into your life and they mess things up..or make things better.. and I often don't know which is which.  I think tonight.. I need a hug, a kiss.. put to bed and just showed that there is still a lot of love and happiness in the world.

hmmm think today I'm lonely and sad.. and really don't understand why..

Well...

I turned 38, my daughter turned 16, I dropped my son off at college, we put our ferret to sleep....it's been a crappy few weeks...I'm feeling old, tired, kinda sad....having surgery on my foot today... ummm can I have some good new/luck for a change? 

I suppose 38 isn't to bad.. hell it's just a number right?  Nothing good or bad about that I guess.  The kid turning 16..... well we took her to get her permit and she passed the test first time.. drove once..and now has shown no intrest.  The other kid at college... he's doing well.. we talk over email every night.  I mean really talk.. he had the chance to come home this weekend for his birthday and decided to stay there.. so I guess he's comfy which is a very good thing.  The ferret thing... sucked.... I know it's just a rat with hair on it's tail... but he was my rat.. and after a rocky start.. *he bit me twice, but he was new and scared*  he adored his new little home.  And loved us back.  Its funny we have ..had 6 of them.. but loosing one really kinda puts an empty spot in our life.  Odd.... I have a feeling there is no replacing that one.  Silly rotten little creature that he was. 

Anyway.. have a great weekend everyone.. don't laugh if you see me limping around on some silly ass shoe with my foot wrapped like a mummy. Cuz right now.. I might have to hit ya if I see you laughing.... but it might make me feel better =)....

Somedays you feel like you have found your place in the world.. life is going great and then you get hit on the head.   I've always had a very hard time trusting people..and I've gotten past that for the most part... until the past few days.. when I find out things are all fucked up in my little life because I've either trusted the wrong people or said things in joking that have caused me to hurt someone else because the person I was talking to decided to twist things around to make what I've said sound pretty terrible.  So to this point.... I just want to say.. to the people I care about.... I talk because I worry.. and don't know how to even begin helping simpley because I'm not allowed close... To the people I joke with.. shut up unless you know what your saying.  People who know me, truly honestly know me,  know I rarely demand anything....ever, I take what I get because that is what I deserve.  I think the last thing I demanded was my son pick up his clothing from his floor.  And trust me.. I was really hard pressed to stick to that demand.  

For now.. the wall begining to build again and trust hits another all time low.

Well soon it's off to the amazingly beautiful beach.. lots of sun surf sand and yelling.  Vacation with the kids is always an adventure .. even when they are old enough to know better.   I guess this is the time they get in trouble the most. 

Over the last few weeks, I've totaled a car, bought a new one.. wanted to kill a used care sales men or two.. wait maybe just one.  But in the end I'm driving a pretty nice car.. that needs a little TLC to become a great car.  I found some cute stuff to make it a adorable little dork mobile. 

Softball season for the most part is over... we've got a few tourneys to play this year.. as long as Ed the Shik coach gets over the fact he thinks his shik girls are better then my Selinsgrove girl.

Mmmm other then that life is pretty well normal.... one ferret is sick.. I somehow added another cat to our collection.. and got my ass grabbed while going out with Brian for his birthday.. all the norm in the life of a dork girl!!