So last week we decide to do a Thanksgiving Food Day at my office.  Everyone's going to bring a dish, we're going to make a real T-Day feast.... and I volunteered to bring pies.  Anne?  Pies?  Yes, I swear.  I agreed to do it.  And not go to the store and BUY pies.... actually MAKE them.

I got an email back from one of the girls at work saying, "You know that means you have to turn the oven on, right?"  So what's that?  An insinuation that I can't cook?  I'll have you know... ALL of you... that I CAN cook, I simply choose not to. ;-)

So, last night, I rush to the grocery store to pick up my ingredients.  I am making TWO pies... a pecan pie and an apple pie.  I hurriedly make it to the gym in time to work out for an hour and then zoom home to start my pie-baking adventure.  Slicing, peeling, coring apples, roasting pecans, mixing filling… Rolling out dough, covered from head-to-toe in flour humming a little diddy, enjoying my kitchen and feeling quite domestic.  I was up until 2 AM completing this task...

When I went to bed, I had two glorious pies... A golden brown apple pie and a dark, rich-looking pecan pie.  I was sated – I had proven that I could indeed bake, and as it appeared, bake well.  The house smelled warm and inviting, familial… I felt content knowing that I could keep up with the more "domestic" ladies out there, baking pies and whipping up dinners to satisfy their men.  There's a lot I can do in that arena, but I don't think anyone will ever say they dated me for my cooking skills...

I woke up this morning tired from just a few hours of sleep.  I hurriedly dressed, readying myself for the day, anticipatory of the morning, excited to walk in to work with my two beautiful pies, smile proudly with them.  Feel like the champion I know I am....

I pulled on my shoes, dashed down the stairs and entered the kitchen to find….

Shattered glass all over the kitchen floor.  I wondered, what could that be?  What broke?  I looked to the cooling rack where I left my magnificent apple pie (as it was so late when I took it out of the oven and I didn't want to place it immediately in the refrigerator).  I saw plastic wrap, but no pie….. that pie wasn't anywhere in the kitchen in fact.

There was, however, a shattered pie dish and two very guilty looking dogs staring back at me while licking their lips.

I do have a homemade pecan pie, but I had to stop at the bakery this morning for an apple….

And I brought pictures of the destruction for all the doubters... (just so you know?  It must have been delicious... as there isn't even a piece of crust left....)

 

It's interesting.  I've determined that life is just a series of lessons.  And maybe, the whole "game" is that once you've learned all you're supposed to, it's over?  I don't know, that sounds morbid.  But, of course I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, and it's like everything has been laid out to teach me something.  Everyone that has come into (and left) my life in the past several months is teaching me something.  I needed to learn that life would go on after my marriage and there was a possibility of loving someone again.  And I needed to learn how to set my own boundaries and say no.  And I needed to learn that how I view myself isn't always how the rest of the world sees me.  And I needed to learn how to just live and let live instead of controlling everything.  And I needed to learn that it's okay to feel things... like, really feel things.  And I needed to learn that the one thing I want is to be with someone who simply wants to be with me.  Someone who accepts me for who I am... someone who likes me and isnt afraid of it... someone who wants to be with me and doesn't need to set rules and limits on it... someone who respects me, respects who I am and respects how I feel, even if it is asinine sometimes.  And I've learned all of these things from several different people in the last several months.  So, at least you've all got that - you taught me something and served some "purpose".

 

It's funny; I've always been the hopeless romantic... the girl who dreamed big about finding that "one true love"... the "soul mate"... that one person that completes your existence.  I don't know, but I'm not sure I buy it anymore.  It's kind of sad, actually.  I sort of feel like one would feel when they find out that the Easter Bunny isn't really a 6' rabbit that delivers treats.  Like, this thing that I've always believed in isn't really real.  And I've just really come to this conclusion in the past several days.  Why, you ask?  I don't know.  It's not like anything has happened to make me think that way.  It's almost like I just grew up and out of that idealistic place.

 

I do believe in love... I always will... but I don't think I'm convinced that there's one person out there for you, anymore.  I just don't think it's that simple.  And unfortunately, I blame the rest of us.  It's like it's impossible for people to be honest.  Honest about how they feel, honest about what they want. 

 

How simple would life be if, instead of games, we all just laid it on the table? 

 

"I like you."

"I like you, too."

"Okay, let's run with that."

"Okay."

 

But instead, we get...

 

"I like you."

"Uh huh... I like you, too, but this is a weird time in my life" (what in the fuck does that mean?  Isn't life ALWAYS weird?)

"Okay."

"I mean, I LIKE you, but I don't want to be in a serious relationship..." (then pack your bags and get off the playing field, buddy, because that's what the rest of us are looking for and you know what?  All you're saying is that you don't want to be in a serious relationship with ME, which is fine, but be forthcoming with the shit.)

 

See what I mean?

 

Is this what "jaded" sounds like?  Damn it, life was prettier with the rose-colored shades.

1. Who was your first prom date:
Mark Mehringer - one of two freshman girls to go to prom that year.

2. Who was your first roommate:
Margo Froley, freshman year at Cate.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink:
Wine or beer probably? First time I got real, real drunk - Vodka with Sprite chasers.

4. What was your first job:
Wrapping packages at my mom's store at Christmas time.

5. What was your first car?
My OWN car? A Jeep Liberty... Car I drove? A 1978 Red Suburban, complete with rust holes. Oh yeah, I was hot.

6. What did you name your first car:
The Liberty is Lula Belle


7. What was your first broken bone:
Aside from a toe, I've never had one - knock on wood.

8. Who was your first grade teacher:
Ms. Sanders. Couldn't STAND her.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane:
That I remember? Anchorage, Alaska age four.... by myself.


10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with:
Lord, who knows... chances are it was with Z off to do something totally inappropriate, I'm sure!

11. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them:
Z.... and yes, we're still friends, although we're not very good at staying in touch.


12. Where was your first sleepover:
I don't remember! I think probably Z's house... or Bentley's?

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day:
Depends on the type of bad day... one of my parents, most likely.


14. Whose wedding were you in the first time:
A flower girl in a woman named Doris' wedding. Cutest dress....

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning:
Hit snooze.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to:
Willie Nelson!


17. First tattoo or piercing:
Well, my ears of course. And then my tattoo when I was 21.


18. First celebrity crush:
There were so many - I think I was a little boy crazy - but probably Mark Paul Gosslar (Saved by the Bell rocked!)


19. Age of first real kiss and with who:
13, drama school in London, Paul, from Germany.


20. First crush:
That I recall? Unrequited? Aaron McDaniel

21. First TRUE love:
Don't know that I've had it yet... but I sure did love Patrick Boyles in eighth grade... and Brett Rogowski in eleventh grade...

familiarity Pronunciation Key (f-mlyr-t, -ml-r-)
n. pl. familiarities

1. Considerable acquaintance with.
2. Established friendship; intimacy.

1. An excessively familiar or informal act; an impropriety.
2. A sexual advance.

1. The quality or condition of being familiar.

Familiarity like an old sweater you haven't worn since last fall... like the chords of a song you haven't played since highschool... like the smell of a meal you used to eat as a child... like the voice of an old friend you haven't spoken to in years...

Like the sight of your husband, the man whose future you laid awake at night dreaming of, standing in your living room... with a cup of coffee in his hand, a hat on his head, his dogs at his feet, rambling on about some thing inconsequential...

Like watching him walk out the door, without a smile, and a box in his hands.

Do I miss him? No.

But I miss that familiarity.

So the lyrics in the previous blog are to a song that I've adored for years. It used to be my anthem about 8 years ago, and then I stopped listening to it. It's made a revival on my car stereo... and my home stereo... and my work stereo. It's an amazing song. And the lyrics, just so pertinent it's shocking. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself in the past several months, "I've never been so alone - and I've never been so alive." It's just so true.

Alone... interesting word. I am alone, in pretty much all definitions of the word. I live alone, I work alone, I come home alone, I take care of life alone... it's just me, fending off the wild beasts. And I love it... that's where the "alive" part comes in to play. It's like this fire, or something. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, someone from the "past," whatever the hell that means, and I was describing myself like this:

It's like I'm a rubber band... and for years, I've been stretching and moving forward, ready to go, but I've been locked on to someone's finger. And suddenly, it's like that finger let go and now I'm just propelling myself through the world.

Interesting analogy. Very fitting, in my eyes.

YES, I understand that the rubberband has to fall at some point. But I'm enjoying the flight!

(So, I have this other friend who's training in some martial arts stuff... and he kind of got me hooked on it... So I kicked some ass tonight at the gym with my trainer. I punched the hell out of this bag, and, while sweating and panting my way through it, I looked up at her (Jamie) and she was smiling at me, and I said, "this is so fucking satisfying..." She laughed... but I knew that I had found my new addiction.)

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, ah ha, there was this burning. aye yie yie

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

--Third Eye Blind

So this week in Anne's life has been relatively uneventful compared to the last several! I consider that a VERY good thing! Currently, there is a strange man on my roof. Why, you ask? Because he's tearing down my chimney... why, you ask again? Because it's eroded. Why, I ask, was he up there at 7:00 AM on a Saturday without warning? I don't know. Scared the living daylights out of me, though. So currently, here I sit, staring out my office window at my front porch that's no longer there... the front steps which aren't there, either. (How, you ask, does she get IN to her house? Good question... very, very carefully...) My front lawn is a mud pit, there's a dumpster out there, too.... but it's all very exciting.

Other than that, I threw a little staff get-together on Wednesday and proceeded to drink myself silly and sing a lot of karaoke. Never a good idea, but it sure was fun! I have a love/hate relationship with Red Bull. I love it, but I hate it the next day. You would think one would learn from such mistakes, but we all know that it takes a while for me to catch on!

I think I'm going to go see Clerks II today. I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan, but I'm wary of the more commercialized stuff he's done. For example, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was not terribly impressive in my eyes. But, Chasing Amy is my favorite flick of all times. Maybe I'll watch that, too.

Interesting conversation with my mom yesterday (just bare with me here in this stream of consciousness blog post. I like to ramble sometimes... surprising, isn't it?) Anyway, she was talking about me, which seems to be everyone's favorite topic these days... And she was curious about why I made such a shift in my state-of-mind. I commented that for the first time, I feel like I'm worth fighting for. Not for someone ELSE to fight for, mind you, but worth my fighting for myself. Does that make any sense? Anyway, she asked what caused that. I wasn't sure about the answer and that was little disconcerting. Usually changes in my psyche are precipitated by a moment of great enlightenment and this wasn't... it just, well, happened. Not that I'm not grateful for it, but I do wonder, like she does, what caused it? Maybe I just grew up a little bit? Maybe I got the sense from someone else in my life that I deserved it? Not sure. I'll continue to ponder it, though.

Okay, so that's enough silliness for me today.

Happy Saturday!

Well, through a period of indecision, indescretion, invisibility, I made it back. And it's good to be back.

Have you ever had a moment in time, an instance, a second, a look, a conversation, a thought, and suddenly you KNEW your life would never be the same? The enlightenment that comes with that is indescribable.

It's been a tough several years.... so tough I'm amazed I'm still standing. But I am. I'm probably going to lose some more along the way, but just know.... life belongs to the person living it and their decisions, their choices, are theirs alone.

Love to you all....

I remember when I was little, my sister who is 9 years older than I am, had a friend that lived across the street and up a few houses. They were inseperable, ALWAYS together. On their graduation night, a mudslide tore through the Nott's house and the girls had to get read at our house.

I remember the prom dresses they wore, I remember it all.

And several years ago, when I moved back to Vail, I'd see Sue out in town. She had the sweetest, most friendly voice. She always said hi... hi to "annie," Marlo's sister... she'd ask out my sister was doing - every time.

And now, Sue Nott and a fellow climber are lost and have most likely sucumbed to the hazards of climbing in Alaska.

Susan - you made a difference and I'm so very sad to know that the world won't be graced with your presence anymore. All my love, Annie

So, my mom came 10 days ago to help set up the house. Any of you that know my mom and know her design sense know that I'm very, very lucky to have her help. So, she got here last Friday, and starting Saturday morning we cleaned... and cleaned... and cleaned... and sorted... and threw away, for five days we did this. Seriously. And THEN, we went and bought furniture. Beautiful furniture. I'm a lucky girl. It was such a nice week with my mom. And she just left, and I sit here writing this wiping the snot from m nose becuse I'm crying so hard.

This past week has been like getting my life back together. I actually feel like a real human being again. My home is clean and beautiful, my dogs are actually acting like pets and not barbarians... it's been a VERY, VERY good experience for me.

I have some VERY big things to sort out. I have some very big decisions to make. Don't be surprised to see a much mor profound update coming from me very soon.

But today, I'm going to cry while it's still rainy, and then I'm going to pick myself up by my bootstraps and go to the gym and work out... and then I'm going to come home and get dressed and go see "The BreakUp" with Jennifer Aniston. I find it highly relevant for my day.

Much love to all of you...

Anne