Wow, so label me a nerd, but I just got done watching over an hour of the most recent Linden Council meeting on public TV.  I was quite excited and interested as to why immediately you can see even from the narrow angles of the video camera view how the room was PACKED.  Didn’t take too long to realize it was because of the debate happening over the coal plant they are looking to building in Linden…mere blocks from my apartment building.  The same plant that to my knowledge, more than half of city residents know nothing of, particular those in the immediate area affected.  Not to mention, the fact that they had (again to my knowledge) only one public hearing about it as a church regarding the issue, and had I not watched the channel news, I would not have known about that meeting either.

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Room was pretty much divided.  Union members and environmentalists—from both sides of the debate.  And you know what?  It’s freaking great to feel the gravity of the situation from my couch, and rekindle the old political fires that forever burn within me yet rarely get to be discussed anymore.

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I am disgusted.  I am disheartened. I am angered.  Yet, I am not surprised.  Both sides were filled with obvious rhetoric (something I seem to know too much about these days after studying it so thoroughly for class).  And I am appalled.  Far too many people are blatantly ignorant.  It needs to stop.

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I have never in my life seen so many people at a Linden council meeting speak up about environmental issues.  Then again, even with my short time involved in the politics of it all where I was actually quite active, we didn’t really have any “Big” issues around here to discuss. I remember quite a few years back the incinerator creating quite a buzz about it not being built here.  Looking back, I still remember being just as against it then, even though I was not as educated about the topic like now.

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So much talk about experts. Even from the pompous Mayor himself.  The same one that I admit to voting for even in this fraudulent capitalist b.s. system.  Figured he’d be better than the money-hungry piece of crap we had previously.  To some extent he has been, but with this…I’m not quite sure.  He repeatedly said in his speech about how people shouldn’t jump to conclusions or make statements about topics that they are not expert on.  Somebody please tell me who or what exactly an “expert” is.  The term was even flung around a lot by the union members.  (Quite a conundrum for me to be caught in when I support union members for the labor position, yet feeling myself pull against them for what they called “Greenpeace” reasons.  Shame too, I’ve had my day standing on the strike lines with them, unafraid to put a scab directly in his place.)

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With today’s expanding learning capabilities, techniques, and ever-changing forms of technology, understanding, etc.  How is it possible to truly be an expert?  The term itself bugs me to no extent simply because it implies a seriously well-educated person at its core.  One who more than likely had plenty of money, or now does.  One who could afford the education they got.  One who was afforded the opportunity for education.  (Dare I say, typically WHITE and MALE!!)?  Is it even necessary then for me to touch upon the fact that even experts mean absolutely nothing, simply because at the root of the person is a mere human being, one capable of prejudice and belief systems just as every other man hailing from an educated background or not?    I guess that then, was just an attempt at a scapegoat.   Throw around the fact that most people in the room were not experts, and therefore couldn’t know any better regardless of their life’s work, personal studying, or experience in general.  (Word of day should have been: Distraction tactics.) Ironic also, that the very ones claiming the greenpeacers were not experts, but rather “zealots” were the same ones speaking as if they were.  You know; if you can’t say anything educated to backup your side as you mumble nervously from the microphone, start name-calling.  (Even more ironic I guess that blue-collared union workers would insist on environmental activists from all backgrounds (even a lawyer and rector!) couldn’t possibly be “expert” because of the particular degree they were assumed to not have, yet expertise in blue-collared fields is also one that’s expertise commanding from experience in the field, not necessarily degrees…so conflicting statement much?)

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Well here’s an idea.  First of all, more than half that room has no idea the meaning of expert, much less the definition of zealot.  Secondly, though I understand their concerns as far as the possibility of jobs that the coal plant can introduce to our community (in as little as 3 years…if we’re lucky! SARCASM) …Where’s the concerns for all that’s grossly wrong with a coal plant in the first place?! 

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The answer that ties it all together for me… MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY.

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NJ.com says the city voted against it, which actually I’m ecstatic about. http://www.nj.com/news/local/index.ssf/2009/10/linden_council_nixes_deal_with.html

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However, that changes nothing cause as we all know, its not like it will go away.  Especially when you’re talking about a site where DUPONT (one of the worst industrial companies in the world!) wants to turn things over/into Purgen. And it’s a damn shame they try to pit the union workers against the environmentalists, using money as the trick.

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Are we all economically in the shit?  Yes.  I can sit here and debate and argue about the fault of it being capitalism.  After all, a top down system like capitalism truly could never support all people…that’s how it goes.  The rich are rich…and stay that way so long as they always have someone else to exploit using false dreams to fill the heads of the exploited.  Yet we middle and lower class people allow ourselves to get distracted with the argument that it all is the fault of the immigrant!  You know what though? Arguing that does not begin to help because too many people are too far brain-washed into believing that money is the only thing worth having, and sometimes even at the “RISK” (important word people…read the definition in the dictionary before you mistake the word…RISK is all about POSSIBILITY) of lives. 

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I say RISK because I mean just that.  The union side and the pro-coal plant side throw around a whole lot about jobs.  Jobs translate to money.  Money to take care of families.  I get that.  However, what the hell good does that money do when you still can’t keep a roof over your head, or feed your children, and have to depend on a welfare system that doesn’t help, and is going broke as well.  How is that money good cash flow for you when its only pumped into higher expenses that further enrich someone else’s wallet through costs of living/education/health (insurance companies rings loudly in my head especially given the argument about that now)?  And let’s say there is an accident.  Then what?  That money gets you nowhere, and may have sickened if not someone you immediately know, but maybe a neighbor’s or friend’s or community member’s friend or family?  “Sorry” doesn’t work then, for its too late.  There are no take-backs with death.  So then what? 

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We already can’t eat large amounts of food sources available to us because of contamination that we have contributed to, and worsened because of our greed of natural resources and complete lack of understanding and/or care of our lifestyle’s impact on the natural world (i.e. overconsumption). 

They also suggested that they were going to have a pipeline lead 70 miles out into the ocean to release any carbon dioxide they need to.  Well guess what.  Last time I checked, there’s still marine life out there.  Water still follows current patterns.  Eventually, just as anything liquid…it all gets mixed and mixed and washes back onto shore via waves.  I don’t care if the pipeline’s 250 miles out to sea.  Its almost as though people believe that if the pipe goes X amount of miles out, then whatever comes out of that pipe can’t affect them…it just disappears!  And hell, who cares about the oceanic eco-system…shit, they’ll just be able to swim in shark-free waters right?  Or who cares about the people in other countries who depend on filtered ocean water as their main source of water?  Or the fact there’s an overwhelming shortage of clean usable water for the world as it is? 

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So, maybe I sound a bit like a zealot.  Or alarmist.  And you know what I’m damn proud.   I would like to make one correction though.  I’m NOT a Greenpeacer.  I have every right to be concerned because it’s not just my air, water and food…but my daughter’s as well.  And given the fact that I’m nestled in the middle of the Infineum refinery as well as the Rahway garbage incinerator, not to mention the toxic dump at the DuPont site that they still refuse to clean, as well as mere blocks from a landfill that’s going to be surveyed for methane levels…I think I have every right to be concerned.  I just consider myself more of a Sea-Shepherd girl.  So I’m sorry…screw your job.  Screw your capitalist system.  Burst your bubbles and wake up from your pseudo-realities.  Better yet, GO FUCKING HUG A TREE! Maybe then you won’t be so angry all the time and hell bent for a stupid dollar.  While you’re at it…shove the ratables up the nearest politician’s ass.

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So I saw baby daddy today.  And his father.  Mixed feelings, honestly. I’m not going to get into it, hurts too much. There was a quick instant things felt as they should as far as family and love. Notice I said QUICK. There was a lot of mistrust, worry and concern.  And for even just that split second, that feeling of family and wholeness was really quite pleasant.  It didn’t take long though for the hurt and disappointment of the reality of the situation to take hold. I came to work okay--then the thoughts started and hurt felt, shortly followed by the tears. 

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I can be a bitch. I can be one cold hearted evil-spirited bitch that just doesn’t give a royal fuck about things when warranted.  In this situation though, I’m really not. In my heart of hearts and all that is my existence I really feel like I’m only doing what is best for Kylie. I love her too much to do anything that may be a detriment to her, and there’s no way I would ever allow it even if it required sacrifice of myself.  There is nothing in this world I’d stop at to give her everything she needs.  I could never live with myself doing it any other way.....

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I know I come on here and curse him to the heavens (if they exist).  I come on here smashing him to pieces and ripping him apart.  I don’t take back anything said.  I mean what I say to the fullest extent possible, if not more, and that’s with both the good and/or bad things.   But truth is, for all the negative and horrible things he is, has done, or has said…I loved him, with every cell that makes up my being.  There are no words that will ever begin to show that, just as there are no words to express my pain over it.....

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Its funny in a not so laughable way that when I ask if he’s okay, he responds with “I’m as good as someone in my position can be.”  Really?  I guess that’s so easily said.  Do I think its easy in his position?  NO.  But it’s a selfish thing to say too, even though it may be an honest statement.  But I digress, cause I’m really not feeling like blasting out repetitive negative drama.  ....

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So…....

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Kylie is well.  Really well.  She’s started her speech development therapy yesterday.  One clear thing noticed—she’s not just a friendly social child (she went right up to the teacher like she knew her for years), but she mimics physical actions a lot quicker than she even tries to mimic verbal actions.  So at least I know where to try to start.  The teacher was very sweet, and offered up a ton of suggestions ranging from baby sign language to how to overexaggerate simple things (such as facial expressions).  I thought I was doing all of that but whatever I can learn from it, the better off both Kylie and I are.....

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I start school in October.  Still waiting to hear back from financial aid, but that always takes forever.  I’m excited, especially since the classes can be taken mostly online, and that’s going to fit me perfectly.  I loved going to UCC when I was there but it was hard having to find and pay an extra babysitter and still miss time away from Kylie for class, to then have to study, etc when I was home and she was asleep. ....

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Overall, I’m doing okay.  I still long for more of a social life but its so funny to me how on Facebook, just about every other day I get another friend request from someone that remembers me, that I haven’t seen in literally years, if not a decade.  It’s a good feeling to know I’m remembered, but its even better that thanks to FB, I’ve been in touch with several friends I’ve lost contact with, including one from high school who was sweet enough to come to my dad’s funeral even though I haven’t seen him since h.s.  Or, my good “friend” from Virginia that I haven’t seen in roughly 9 years who I’ve very rarely kept contact with through AIM over this time.  But we’ve been talking every day now!  Even going to see him in a few months, and SUPER excited about that.....

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So in some ways, the social thing has kicked up.  At the same time, its still rough cause at night I’m still at home with a sleeping baby with little more to do than clean or bills.  That’s get lame and old, and QUICK.....

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