Right now I am watching the Equality Ride West Bus slide show. Every time I watch that slide show I think of the awesome and wonderful privilige we were granted. Makes me think why me? Why us? Why were we chosen? The oppourtunity we were granted by a Higher Power is nothing short of a miracle. Something divine allowed us to put up our guard and be momentarily blinded to the possible danger and hostility we could face. None of that seemed to matter when we knew that there are students who face that danger daily at their campus. Uh mah gah.... I would do it again in a heartbeat to help students at those campuses. I would even listen to Travis sing...willingly listen to him. I feel honored to know that something we did changed so many lives. And the song simply reminds me of a divine moment in time.... a moment when we all put aside our differences and willingly traveled for two months in a smelly, cramped bus with a stinky bathroom. Or the time we willingly traveled overnight from Billings to Ellendale and parked by a truck of cows...or pigs? i think they were cows. But you know what? In the middle of Montana... or wherever we were.... the stars have never been so beautiful. I never felt closer to God than at that moment. I cry every time I think how blessed we are. Many people never get the opportunity to help a single person. We got the opportunity to help many. Many people never travel outside their home state. We saw mountains with snow...mountains next to ocean... stars in the middle of the wilderness.... Yes thats what we were.... travelers guided on our journey by stars in the midlle of the wilderness.

Read this on someone's profile. Sooo beautiful.

VOLVER (To Return) 1935 Tango lyrics by Alfredo Lepera and music by Carlos Gardel

I imagine the flickering

of the lights that in the distance

will be marking my return.

They're the same that lit,

with their pale reflections,

deep hours of pain

And even though I didn't want to come back,

you always return to your first love,

The tranquil street where the echo said

yours is her/his life, yours is her/his love,

under the mocking gaze of the stars

that, with indifference, today see me return.



To return,

with withered face,

have whitened my temples.

To feel...that life is a puff of wind,

that twenty years is nothing,

that the feversih look,

wandering in the shadow,

looks for you and names you.

To live...

with the soul clutched

to a sweet memory

that I cry once again



I am afraid of the encounter

with the past that returns

to confront my life

I am afraid of the nights

that, filled with memories,

shackle my dreams.

But the traveler that flees

sooner or later stops his walking

And although forgetfulness, which destroys all,

has killed my old dream,

I keep concealed a humble hope

that is my heart's whole fortune.



To live...with the soul clutched

to a sweet memory

that I cry once again

Are anticpation and worry always completely different? Sometimes I wonder if they are one in the same. I am excited about starting life, getting a job, being near best friends. I am worried at the same time. Worried because I have disappointed myself in the past. Worried because my expectations were so far from reality that the corrective paradigm shift required to bring me back to the present was always painful. Perhaps I am just dealing with the past ten years or so of pain, etc. However worried that seems, I am also anticipatory toward the prospects of the future. Job? Love? Stability? Partner? Children? I feel like these are steps in life that I highly anticipate. But I anticipate them so much that I worry I will never acheive them. Funny how that works. I love part of a quote my bff always uses... "We are not fearful that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure." How true! I have been trying to live by this statement lately. To claim for my life the things I deserve. And although the process is slow, and at times painful, it is ever so rewarding in the end to know I am doing things for me... for Jonathan.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

I have always had a strained relationship with my family, especially my mother. My mother and I have differed in our beliefs on religion, homosexuality, and what is moral. She is Southern Baptist, sent me to ex-gay counseling, and said very hateful things to me when I came out. Not that she was the only one in my family, but it hurt coming from my mother. Nevertheless, as many of you know, I am embarking on the Equality Ride in just a couple of weeks. Thus far, I have been devouring the Bible.... constantly reading it and praying for God's direction in my life. The Equality Ride has brought me closer to God than I have been in a long time. I thought God hated me for being gay, but it never made complete sense that God would hate any of her children. Now I finally feel like God is right there beside me, and she is telling me that everything will be ok. I am almost at the point where I think I can forgive my mother and father for the hurt and anguish they caused me. God's grace is wonderful... I never thought she would use something like the Equality Ride to bring me closer to her again. I guess she works in mysterious ways. Cliche, but her grace is all encompassing, and it is the most amazing feeling to be wrapped inside of that kind of love.

 For those of you who may not know, I am part of Equality Ride 2007. We will be on a bus for two months travelling to school that have policies that are discriminatory and hurtful toward gay and lesbian students. Many of these schools expel students who are openly gay or "advocate the homosexual lifestyle". Recently, we were having a discussion about the effects of the ex-gay ministry on the gay community. The dialogue arose out of discussion of an ex-gay student Chad Thompson. Please visit his website to realize what we are up against. And please read this blof to ascertain my view on the issue itself and my view on Chad's position.

My name is Jonathan Hilbrands. My parents put me in Exodus International, a Christian ministry that attempts to bring gay people out of homosexuality. They took my car keys away from me, buried them in a pickle jar in the backyard, and wouldn't tell me where they were until i attended an Exodus meeting.

According to the exodus website, www.exodus.to, the organization can best be described by the following words on their own website:

"Mission Statement Mobilizing the body of Christ to minister grace and truth to a world impacted by homosexuality. Doctrinal Statement We believe the Scriptures of the Old and New Testament are the inspired Word Of God, the final authority for doctrine, reproof, correction, and instruction for right living. We believe in one God, existing eternally in three Persons:Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We believe in the deity of our Lord Jesus Christ, fully man and fully God, only begotten Son of the Father. he was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, and lived a sinless life. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, buried and rose physically from the dead. He ascended to the right hand of the Father and will come again in power and glory.      We believe that faith alone in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord frees us from the mastery of sin, and its consequences of death and eternal damnation. He assumed the penalty of death Himself, and enables us to live out of His resurrected life unto eternity. We believe the Holy Spirit carries out this work of renewal in our lives, empowering us to grow in loving union with our Heavenly Father and to walk in obedience to His will. We believe that the Church of Jesus Christ is formed of all those who know Him as their Savior and Lord, regardless of denominational beliefs. Policy on Homosexuality            EXODUS is a Christian organization dedicated to equipping and uniting agencies and individuals to effectively communicate the message of liberation from homosexuality, as well as how to effectively convey support and understanding to individuals facing the reality of a homosexual loved one.      EXODUS upholds heterosexuality as God's creative intent for humanity, and subsequently views homosexual expression as outside of God's will. EXODUS cites homosexual tendencies as one of many disorders that beset fallen humanity. Choosing to resolve these tendencies through homosexual behavior, taking on a homosexual identity, and involvement in the homosexual lifestyle is considered destructive, as it distorts God's intent for the individual and is thus sinful.      Instead, Christ offers a healing alternative to those with homosexual tendencies. EXODUS upholds redemption for the homosexual person as the process whereby sin's power is broken, and the individual is freed to know and experience true identity as discovered in Christ and His Church. That process entails the freedom to grow into heterosexuality.      Central to this redemption is EXODUS' desire to unite and equip the church to carry out this healing process. EXODUS bridges the gap between Christians who respond to homosexual men and women with ignorance and fear, and those who uphold homosexuality as a valid, Christ-centered lifestyle. To EXODUS, both extremes fail to convey to the homosexual the fullness of redemption found in Christ--He who embodies grace and truth, and invites us to partake of Him.      Exodus affirms reorientation of same sex attraction is possible. This is a process, which begins with motivation to, and self-determination to change based upon a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We facilitate resources for this process through our member ministries, other established networks and the Church. The key outcome of this is measured by a growing capacity to turn away from temptations, a reconciling of ones identity with Jesus Christ, being transformed into His image. This enables growth towards Godly heterosexuality. Exodus recognizes that a lifelong and healthy marriage as well as a Godly single life are good indicators of this transformation.      Passing hate crimes legislation skews reality and enforces hatred.  It will only serve to empower gay activists to abuse people of faith and encroach on the free expression of religion. (Randy Thomas, Exodus International)"      Folks we have to be careful here. These organizations and messages are extremely dangerous. We must not believe that they are humanizing gay, lesbian, bisexual,transgender, queer, or questioning individuals. They are not. However, they believe their intentions are well grounded. So, as peaceful messengers the gay community as a whole must engage in a non-violent and educated conversation with the ex-gay movement as to why these credos and beliefs exist in the first place. We must listen, but we must also explain that we believe we are fully human by virtue of being born. GLBTQQ individuals can be right with God without homosexuality even being a factor in the God/individual relationship.

Whewww.... however, it sometimes seems as if the ex-gay movement, in their attempt to humanize the GLBT community, almost serves to give the  fundamental movement more reason to believe that they are justifiably speaking on behalf of all Christians. I am still working through my own thoughts about it. However, I do believe that regardless of what their motivation in humanizing the GLBT community is, it gives us a MUCH better opportunity to open up a peaceful dialogue with them.

    It's just like the Equality Riders talked about in Austin. We have to realize that regardless of what points we disagree on, whether it be with the ex-gay proponents, students/administrators on campuses, or the Christian fundamental movement at large, that we are all coming from a place of best intention. It is incredibly encouraging to me that Chad Thompson makes a point of humanizing the GLBT community. It is saddening to me that this "humanization" still comes from a misguided mentality that my sexual orientation makes me less worthy in God's eyes. It is something very important that often lacks in the fundamental community. However, our identities and sexual orientations are not something that need an organized attempt to humanize them. We should be humanized, whoever we are, and whatever we identify as, simply because we were born. By virtue of being born into this universe we each have dignity and worth as individuals. That dignity and worth should come automatically, not from the ex-gay movement's attempt to humanize us.

    That being said, I agree with  my friend Brandon when he said, "He's [Chad Thompson] asking them to not ostracize us, which implies inclusion, how wonderful! Do not be angry; do not fear. Love is on our side; truth is on our side.For those of us who believe in a higher good, this isn't our battle, it's a battle between right and wrong, we are merely the current symbol of oppression. As hard as it may be to understand, these ex-gay acts aren't personal. And if we act with compassion, and resist violent, angry, and resentful remarks, then we have already solved the issue in our hearts. Love works in powerful ways, if you are to take on these ex-gay chats, do it with love and without expectation, be there, be present and trust that God will lead the way."

    This is so true. While we may not understand why the ex-gay movement employs the methods that it does, we must remain resoulte in our knowledge that we are valued by God from the moment we are born. The fact that Chad Thompson was attempting to humanize our community should give us hope that there is at the very least room for more dialogue than ever before (regardless of whether or not his attempts at humanization are legitimate).God affirms us without reservation, as Jake Reitan said in the promo video for the Equality Ride documentary. So, taking all of these things into account, I must say that Brandon summed it up quite nicely by reminding us that the actions of the ex-gay movement are simply coming from the best place they know. Whether ill-intentioned or well-intentioned, our simple resonsibility is to act with love, non-violence, and compassion. The issue is in our hearts as Brandon said. His entire last paragraph sums it up perfectly.

I shall end with my favorite quote. It is by Margaret Meade and says: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has."

    While we must come from a peaceful place, and realize that everyone is as well intentioned at the moment as they are conceivably able to be, we must realize what we are up against. Here are some further quotes from Chad Thompson's review of Brokeback Mountain.

1) The scenery portrayed in Brokeback Mountain—the rock formations, the sunrise, the skies, the rivers—they all testify to the existence of God and to the greatness of God. Yet the characters in the film acted in exactly the manner that one would expect someone to act who didn't believe in God.

2)But if God really is who he says he is—if God really can heal the sick, turn water into wine, and even bring the dead to life—then overcoming homosexuality wouldn't seem so difficult, would it?

3) I once heard someone say that it's time for those who struggle with really big things like homosexuality to stop telling God how big their "mountain" is, and start telling their mountain how big God is. Today, it seems, Brokeback is the mountain that needs to be told how big God is.

Everyone... this is not humanization. Chad is not attempting to humanize us. His words and actions appear to humanize, but in reality serve to give Christians a reason to justify the "love the sinner, hate the sin" mantra. If this opens up dialogue, wonderful. If it is a true willingness to humanize, great. But remember, we don't need to be humanized. We are ALREADY fully human. That's it. If we waiver on whether we believe we are fully human we have done a grave diservice to ourselves. Whether or not this "humanization" is legitimate, albeit unnecessary (by legitimate I mean well-intentioned on the part of the ex-gay movement) , it does provide a road for dialogue that may have not existed before. Nevertheless, if we travel too far down that road without a resoulte knowledge that we in no way, shape, or form need to be humanized, then we are travelling down a very slippery slope.  We essentially have to take a step back and have a discussion about why the ex-gay movement believes that the situation needs to be humanized in the first place.

And Kudos to everyone on Equality Ridef or their responses. I honestly have never been around a group of people that has challenged me to think so deeply about myself and my place in this world. We are all beautiful and I love you all.

Namaste,

Jonathan