Every album has a name, also called a title. When read without a picture to influence its meaning it's the language that presses the first impression. I am stuck here looking for the words to desrcibe this story:

I imagined I was a tree at the center of a meadow. Seasons passed, the horizon changed but the sky remained constant at night. Rooted, I dreamed of being a star. Trapped to the ground I resigned myself to a life of giving shade and shelter. After a long, dry summer there was a wicked and fierce storm where I was struck by lightning with such a force that I was uprooted and shot into space like a rocket. I took my place amoung the stars and from the sky I could see my meadow looking back at me.

All together, the twelve songs of my new album tell this story. Tell me, if you know, what is the name of this story?

axo

My oh my I have to laugh to see where my chi comes to a stop and becomes Qi. In seven days I have experienced the symptoms of a flu and lost my voice as I have done several times in the past; my left shoulder gripes about the torn rotator cuff one year repaired and I have teenage memories of the water on my left knee. Is this how it works? I have no complaints about how I feel - I feel fine, alive, well, capable and believing I am strolling down some path. Is this more grief? Is this what Alice Miller says is the body remembering? Hm. Fascinating to be a human being. axo

Lately I have felt very tired and I attribute it to the emotional work I have been doing - it is exhausting feeling my feelings. It is tiring to break out of my isolation and interact with people honestly. It is challenging to keep moving forward. There is a saboteur within that tells me to stop trying to recover and resign myself to meloncholia.

I will not.

"Traditional Chinese medicine, acupuncture and Chinese medicinal herbs, is the oldest medicine in existence today." And it's part of my recovery now, too. It would have been funny when the therapist asked me if I was stoned during the intake interview if I hadn't already felt like crap. So instead, I take it as a good sign that we agree that I do not look healthy when by western standards I am absolutely healthy. It is true to me that my chi is stuck. We will proceed with 6 sessions of acupuncture along with prescriptions of chinese herbs.

My first acu session was a short. My hands and arms were numb and my body felt hot. Afterwards I physically felt a little better and emotionally I felt more optimistic. My herbs are brewing on the stove. I don't expect them to taste great.

I'll let you know my experience.

Please tell me yours : )

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I go into my safe cave but it doesn't seem cozy any more: it's a cage. I look out the keyhole to see sunlight and it looks inviting but I'm too afraid. My future-self reassures me that I'm safe and hands me the key. Outside is sand and water and for the first time I see the jungle behind me. 'Future-self' invites me to walk into the cool green where I am met by a tiger. The tiger says "I am you" and I understand something about not needing to be afraid.

Good massage.

like oranges
not leaves
like grapes
not dreams
like like
can seem
like
everything
like sweet
not sting
like nest
not wing
like like
can bring
like
everything
like youth
not past
like hope
not cast
like like
can sing
like
everything

This evening after I started the bbq the propane tank suddenly burst into flames. In 30 seconds there was a wall of fire. Hm, I thought, that's a fire. FIRE! I called out and ran into the house. I wondered: what happens to propane tanks when they are on fire? Do they explode? What happens to wooden decks that have recently been painted a fetching purple and green? In the kitchen, as I tried to find the sweet spot where my cordless phone doesn't cut out I remembered how I need to replace my phone and spoke to the 911 operator who told me I was cutting out. Address given and advice received. The boy and the tenant stayed away from the windows. I tried to undo the front garden hose to connect the back but Murphy said the connection wouldn't budge. I considered taking the tenant's kitty litter trash to smother the flames but handfuls of scat and litter didn't seem scientifical. So the boy and I waited on the front porch identifying non siren sounds: bird, dog, car, ahhhh siren driving the wrong way on a one way. That's authority with a capital A. Big truck. Three firefighters. Fire down to a bic flame quickly doused by a fireproof glove. Cracked hose explained the adventure. Nice guys. Good laugh. All safe. I think I'll try charcoal next. The whole thing took 25 minutes.

Check your fire extinguisher now.

axo

So yesterday I decided that rather than tell my shrink I'm cured, I talked about how difficult it can be to sometimes do the next step in making my new record. Being totally independent including being responsible for the production (no Blair this time around) seems to paralyze me. This is when my shrink told me that I'd have to eat a frog everyday: that it's a fact of life that I have to eat a frog daily so I might as well eat it first thing in the morning. Make a list of what I need to do, find the frog, eat it and move on. On days when there are two frogs eat the ugly one first.

axo

and I was a passenger along with others. We were fleeing some situation and relieved to be getting clear of the past. The subway was a train and it ran above ground and outside the windows was beautiful greenery in full summer. It's really nice up here, I thought. The driver was only a few seats ahead of me and I could see that we were reaching the end of the line. The mood changed as we slowed to the end of the track. There was a mountain wall. The driver was concerned and said "This isn't good" and I knew he was thinking we were going to have to turn back. He stepped out, closed the door and when he walked on the gravel I looked to the ground and could see a severed head, a finger, and other fleshy bits that were probably body parts. The driver pushed a hand aside using a long stick and then looked up alarmed - he heard something threatening approaching but the train started rolling backward. He looked at me panic'd and I went to the drivers seat to stop the train but there was no brake. Faster and faster we went backwards abandonning the driver to some horror, the train going so fast we were surely going to crash. I pulled up on the steering and the brakes engaged. The train screeched to a stop and fell over. I could hear the other passengers screaming and while I knew everyone was okay now, we were going to have to leave the train and face whatever horrible predator awaited us outside.

Not quite the refreshing dream I was hoping for-

My shrink walks me through her new house, which looks a lot my new house with white floors and walls and staircase in the middle. We open a door and see her sitting in a sparsely furnished room. She is sitting on the floor meditating beside a mirror. Her guitar, an orange Gretsch acoustic, sits in the corner. Her bed is on the floor. I note that she is standing beside me and sitting in her room at the same time. She smiles at my observation.

She shows me the next room, which is a boy's room. It has sculptures and the colours are blue and green. The rooms share a wall.

We walk to a third room where I sit on a large cushion on the floor. The cushion is red with golden vines. A black cat climbs on to my lap and despite the fact that I am allergic to cats - and say so in my dream - I can't resist its affection. The cat purrs as I rub its head and coo. I'm happy to see that the cat doesn't shed and I am in no way allergic. It looks at me with squishy kitty eyes and is clearly happy. I notice it's wearing a dashing three-piece pin striped suit - complete with red kerchief in the breast pocket. I'm so happy to have this cat - a truly unique being.

I woke having had nearly a full night's sleep.