- "Forcefill My Mouth With Cock" (sorry, too many teeth - too many risk)
- "Up for giving head?$$" (Daddy can't look Mommy in the eye at the dinner table, but the t-bone was a nice surprise)
- "are you horny? just want a nsa suck and milk?"
- "Chubby guy looking to suck your cock"
- "Asian Male Powerhouse - No Mindgames here"
- "Any Asian boys want there ass filled?"
- "You Can Park Your Cock In My Mouth for Awhile"
- "I will be very honest here, I have NOT had any form of sex, since my divorce 6 years ago, and I'M F**KIN' HORNY!!!!!"
- "I'm looking for an androgynous, but highly feminine woman"
- "need to unload today" ... "I love to have my cock and balls worked over... please be real and ready to work them over"
- "not sure how this is usually done but it's been a fantasy of mine to jerk a guy off in a public bathroom stall... Eaton
Centre maybe?" (hmm... it's been a fantasy of MINE to kick the living shit out of someone having sex in a public place
meant for urinating, defecating, menstrual maintenance, vomiting, nose blowing, personal hygiene, and often used by
children...)
- "pregnant and alone?" ... "penetration not expected"
- "successful and bored" (unsuccessful people get bored, too, probably with greater frequency)
- "Hello, I'm looking for a submissive woman to be a cum receptacle. The sluttier the better."
- "a different approach to drowning" ... "those with the literary taste to read between each line will be most graciously
responded to in kind"
- "come over and use my holes, fucking horny as can be! house to myself!"
- "my cock, your ass" (would be a great action movie title... Willis and Van Damme!)
- "speculum play" ... "Do you see the erotic potential of playing with medical instruments? I'm not a doctor but I have
some experience with gentle, safe but intense speculum play. I find the preparation and process very exciting and I'm
not looking for any other activity." (I wonder if this person has more than a passing resemblance to Jeremy Irons)
- "bi sexual femme big sweaty boobs" ... "I am just back from laundry! It was hot in the place, so they're naturally sweaty!"
- "Total Loser seeks Hideous Dork for Hopscotch, Nookie" ... "Me: I am not quite as hairy as Seth Rogan. I can assure
you of that. I have no money, but a great record collection. Witness the awesome seductive power of my bachelor
apartment. I am brilliant but I languish in obscurity. I am hopeless at Milton Bradley's battery-operated game of physical
skill, Operations, but I will crush you at Wii Tennis. You: You smell terrible, but know all the words to Wu Tang's "Triumph".
You had potential once, but now old friends can read in your eyes the pestilent decay of your soul. Your liberal arts
degree was a horrible mistake. You used to pretend to like your boyfriends' bands; now, you can't be bothered. You bring
the granny pants; I'll bring the astigmatism."
(fuck damn... I wish I'd written that one!)
QUESTION: When did having your face force-filled with cock... when did becoming the cum receptacle for a stranger...
become a "casual encounter"? Inane elevator greetings and banter about the weather; that's a casual encounter.
Replying to a Craigslist schlong and arranging to have that thing prod your entrails later that day, no matter the lack of
emotional strings attached, seems to me an "intimate encounter"... but it's just my opinion and maybe I have more than
a casual relationship with my dignity. Maybe dignity has nothing to do with any of this. We are big-brained and lost in
the cosmic puzzle. We dress up every aspect of our lives to push back the icy cold fear that knows no epidermal or
national or religious boundary. I'm going to die. I'm not in any way certain about what awaits my soul after the host
body runs out of heartbeats. My mind is a tumultuous sea of unanswerable questions. No one God model captures
my belief or calms my restless need to comprehend the infinitesimal role I play in this grand theater of madness, but
attending Oakville's spanking party and having a big bear of a man redden my buttocks holds no appeal whatsoever
for me. Answers no question, but creates some new ones.
How did I become so traditional? (One partner, monogamous, romantic, protective.)
Why didn't I feel a need to explore my sexuality-options? (Hetero, never screwed a farm animal or corpse, or both)
How did I grow this open mind about the sexual proclivities of others, (pedophiles DIE!, though) without experimenting?
Why don't I feel regret? (I'll die without being peed or shat upon, with a cherry a-hole, without taking a paid for beating)
Why does porn make me laugh? Or, if I'm not laughing, why does it make me feel sad for our species that we are so
involved in our parts and the variety of ways we can use them for stimulative escape? It leads to, opens doorways to,
a flurry of cascading questions that involve our addiction to pleasure at all cost. A substance, a physical act, a reward
for the brain's pleasure center. How do I reconcile the fact that I gladly acknowledge the right of a neglected housewife
to climb in bed with a hot and horny young couple on a tedious Tuesday afternoon... or a well-loved wife who just needs
more spice in her pussy... or whatever scenario you choose by way of example (pedophiles DIE!, though), with the sure
knowledge that it would pierce my heart if the woman I love was an undercover Craigslister-sister?
Why the importance placed upon monogamy, faithfulness, the feeling that even fantasizing or skimming the surface of
fantasy with another partner (or a room filled with sex starved bikini models) is wrongful? Did this built-in monogamy
security device start with my Dad's old school one-love one-woman ethic? How am I to know that I didn't get those
new Puma soccer shoes I asked for on my fourteenth birthday because Dad was blowing part of his paycheck on
prostitutes in Barrie or Collingwood when he was working out of town?
Are there prostitutes in Barrie or Collingwood, even?
Of all the questions, that may be the most troubling one.
Before I go, it occurs to me that nothing I could type up in a bid for humor or Craigslist casual encounters satire
would stand in contrast to the assorted oddities already posted there one daily avalanche at a time. There are so
many holes to be filled out there. So many swollen rods in need of attention, and like the seemingly continuous
loop of laundry or dish washing cycles, SO many gallons of sperm being manufactured in perpetuity so that life
itself may cycle... gallons wasted on and in assorted receiving surfaces and portals, but perhaps NOT wasted.
There are over six billion humans here. Have you taken a hard look at the world lately?
- "watch me vomit KFC tonight! Cameras and touching welcomed"
- "long filthy toenails need to be sucked and clipped"
- "looking to have rectum glued shut; have funnel and contractor grade adhesive at home!"
- "seeking discreet taser teaser - no cops"
- "I wanna moonwalk on your spunk"
- "stop me from committing suicide this afternoon - swallowers only"
- "up and cumming chef wants to stir fry your jizzle"
- "let me make fun of your genitals - verbal or tactile!"
- "corn-hole me while I blog!"
- "feed me your juicy swollen kudo"
(those are my suggestions... are they any worse than the actual ads?)
Okay, that'll do.
Here it is... hungry and ready, perfectly timed for your complete satisfaction:
THE END.