What a long, lovely, glorious weekend.  The only problem was that I didn't have a watch for most of it, and really had no idea what time or day of the week it was. 

Friday - headed over to Ditch Fridays at the Palms.  I would have thought that being bundled up at a meat market with a book (appropriatedly titled "A Confederacy of Dunces", hehehehe) would have been enough to ensure being left alone.  Not really.  An adorable 22 year old sauntered over to me and kept me company for much of the afternoon.    He just graduated from college at UC-Boulder and was celebrating with some classmates.  He was in line with some of my friends, and they hooked them up with the VIP wristbands we usually acquire.  Oh my, I wish I'd been 10 years younger.  He wanted to know where I worked and when I told him, he thought I was a student.  Bless his beautiful heart.  Anyway, I forgot to eat lunch and developed a severe headache, which meant I scrapped the rest of the evening's plans and headed home, leaving beautiful Boulder boy to go find someone his own age.    I made a quick dinner, puttered around the house, and was bored by 7pm.  Wound up staying awake much longer than expected, but twas well worth it.

Saturday - got up early and headed over to L's hotel to caravan over to Lake Mead.  I arrived and then received a text that they were on their way.  Wow - guess those guys stayed out all night, so I am glad I bailed early Friday.  Snuck into the breakfast buffet and happily read USA Today and munched on a Belgian waffle.  We finally got all 5 of us together and started the long commute to Lake Mead.  Of course we had to stop at McDonald's for the boys' breakfast, and CC made a quick run to an adult store to pick up some porn mags.    Made for entertaining conversation on the way up, I'll admit that much.  One of the funniest jabs wasn't even porn related.  One of the girls these guys hang with is named Sarah.  I think they were all getting on each other's nerves, so CC began singing the song "Sarah".  She would answer "What?" and he would sing in reply "Sucks!". 

Got to the dock, unpacked our stuff, and waited for what seemed like an eternity for the boat to show up.  It eventually did, and just as we began loading our relatively small bags, a group of 5 began throwing our stuff out saying that they'd been there since 9am.  Okay then.  These people had so much crap that I swear it looked like they were going to be there for a week.  The boat would just have to make another trip for us.  Mercifully, L's friend Steve showed up with his boat.  We piled in.  Let me say how careful I was with packing my gear (sleeping bag, camera, phones, sheets, etc.) in tightly sealed plastic bags to prevent anything from getting wet.  Exactly 4 seconds after I finally settled in Steve's boat, an asshat backed his boat into the lake and turned the propeller on - without making sure that the water was actually covering the dang thing.  So a huge tidal wave of filthy, oily, slick lake water poured quite comically onto me, my sleeping bag, my backpack, and several other passengers.    Only after we yelled for about 15 seconds did the man realize what he was doing.  He shouted "Sorry" and then floored his truck, trailer, and boat and hightailed it out of there.  The water soaked through 3 bags to get to my camera.  L took the batteries out and you could see a stream of water flowing out.  That's how soaked we were.  [Camera dried out for several days and is fully operational again, but that meant I didn't get to take any photos all weekend).

Now quite grumpy, I don't think I made a very good impression on L's friends.  CC's friends are douchbags anyway, so I don't care what they thought.  We got to the "beach" and it was jam packed with people.  CC's friends had staked out our territory at 3am so I'll give them credit for shanghai-ing the best of the beach (which is still crappy).  Lake Mead is a real blemish on the US's public parks and recreational areas.  It's just dirt and water.  There was one lone outhouse (not a brick one) that was a long walk from the shore, and looked too scary to come within 30 feet of it.  It still would have been a fun weekend, even though the water was choppy, but the guys had hired 2 DJs for the party.  This meant that for about 18 hours, all of the innocent people who just wanted a relaxing day on the lake were blasted with haus and techno music non-stop.  The sound traveled mercilessly on the lake, and the guys wouldn't turn the music down when people asked.  They'd checked and there was no noise ordinance out there, but apparently these guys have no moral compass for other people.    I was actually kind of embarrassed to be part of the group.

Now I did have fun at times, and I especially enjoyed taking an evening hike to watch the sun set.  After the hike, a large houseboat docked near us to hang out.  They were very nice and gave me a boat tour, and let me use their bathroom for the rest of the night.  God bless you people!  I also had fun going off of their slide; juvenile, but fun.  They also had a very friendly mutt named Rufus, and so of course I was happy.   I was the only stone sober one out of the group.  I don't think anyone was truly drunk, but they were all buzzed enough to do the silly things that alcohol makes people do.  The houseboat people began hating us around 11pm when the music got louder.  They finally leaned on their horn at midnight for about a minute, in what I assume was a plea for us to shut the f*ck up.  The DJs responded by turning up the music.  They finally turned it off at 1:30am, but decided to turn the grill back on.  Instead of falling asleep, I had to listen to "Who wants a f*cking hot dog?  Why the f*ck don't we have mustard?".

The wind was blowing sand everywhere, but it was so hot we had to keep the tent doors and windows down to avoid the sauna syndrome.  Oddly enough, we woke up around 4am freezing cold and had to snuggle like baby animals to stay warm.  I tried to sleep but people cranked the music back on around 6:30am.  I finally got up for good when Rufus came over to say hi.    And now I will stop with the smiley faces.

Sunday - 25 people + 500 pounds of crap + one boat = bad idea.  We hitched a ride back with Steve and got back to L's hotel around 9am, just in time to crash the breakfast buffet again.  I got home around 10:30am, read the paper, destroyed my sleeping bag in the washer, and took a quick nap.  Met up with L again for a "Star Trek" matinee.  I left the movie feeling excited, and an hour later thought the movie totally sucked.  Casting was awesome, special efforts were excellent but not overdone, and it was refreshing to see a franchise rejuvenated.  However, I disagree with their efforts to reinvent the franchise.  They didn't just reinvent it - they deleted it and started over.  Anything with time travel really fraks with my mind, whether it's season 5 of "Lost", Harry Potter #3, whatever.  I also didn't like their portrayal of Lt. Uhura (guessing they only cast Zoe Saldana because she's stunningly gorgeous; wasn't her fault that they bastardized her role).  Uhura was classy and ladylike in TS:TOS; in this film, she's whiny and demanding.  Anyway, I won't put out any spoilers, but suffice it to say, I think JJ Abrams owes me $8 and 2 hours of my time back.

But the evening was redeemed with the Beach Boys.  I had 4 comp tickets to a Beach Boys concert at the Mandalay Bay pool.  Let me just say this: if you have a chance to see the Beach Boys, GO.  Get thee to a concert!  Only Mike Love and Bruce Johnston perform under this name, but since several of the Wilson brothers are already deceased, you don't have too much time to see the remaining band members.  Interesting: John Stamos (of Uncle Jesse fame) performs with them, playing drums, guitar, and occasionally singing.  The guy is maddeningly handsome and seemed to be having a jolly good time.  Not bad for a guy whose claim to fame was a crappy sitcom.  Anyway, the music just makes you happy for an hour and 45 minutes, allowing you to forget about your troubles and be taken back to a time where you could still bring liquids on an airplane.  I was afraid I'd missed my 3 favorite songs, and by gum, they played them all in the last 20 minutes.  Sloop John B, Good Vibrations, and Help Me Rhonda.  It was awesome dancing to Wouldn't It Be Nice and God Only Knows with L.  FYI, we were standing in the pool with our pants legs rolled up.  The crowd was huge and sitting on the fake beach at Mandalay Bay, but only a few people were in the pool.  It was very shallow and got us smack in front of the stage, which is set up in the pool.  So there the 4 of us were, just a few feet from musical legends.  The crowd had pretty good harmony singing along with Little Deuce Coupe and Kokomo.  All in all, a lovely evening.

Monday - slept in, cleaned the apartment, and attempted to repair my sleeping bag (without success).  Spent the rest of the day hanging out with BB.  We celebrated Memorial Day with a beer and a Bay Breeze at Town Square.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but a Bay Breeze is vodka, cranberry, and pineapple juice.  So how come I keep getting them with coconut rum?  Not that I'm complaining; the rum was delicious, but either I'm wrong or 50% of the bartenders I've encountered in the last 8 years since I went to bartending school are wrong.

Inspired by recent entries on Cracked and DenOfGeek, I have decided to grace the internets with my very own list of movies and books that traumatize children.  These movies may be scary, sad, too complex for wee ones, or just creepy as hell.  I was surprised to see that most of the movies listed on the articles and their comments were similar to my list.  The twist with my list is that I am watching these films again to see if my fears have been conquered.  Note – I missed out on many films because we lived in Europe for my formative years.  My parents occasionally rented videos, but English-dubbed titles were hard to find, thus we wound up with lots of anime.  Kids also weren’t allowed in the video store, so my sister and I had to sit on the doorstep while our parents desperately searched for something appropriate.

Part One: Movies that did not traumatize me, but should be viewed with caution:

Watership Down – oh look, it’s happy fluffy bunnies.  Not quite.  This is about a warren of rabbits surviving in the eponymous Watership Down.  I read the book years ago and was disappointed that the book was not about a sinking boat.  (Did anyone else get that part screwed up?).  Once my initial dismay wore off, I found it to be a moderately enjoyable tale and liked the character Silver enough to name my own pet rabbit after him.  The bunnies battle with other bunnies for control of the field, all while praying to a mysterious rabbit spirit.  I suppose the book was intended to mirror human experiences, though it seemed to be mildly pro-Communist.  I didn’t see the movie until I was 26.  The movie, however, is plagued by shoddy animation and has a disturbing fight scene between a bad bunny general and one of the book’s heroes.  Blood, froth, and soft bunny fur fly in fury.  It’s violent and horrible enough that even my dad paused from whatever he was doing to look at the screen and say “That’s a mean ole rabbit”.  Granted, I was much older than most when viewing this film, but had I seen it as a little tyke I am sure I would have been quite disturbed.  Not recommended for small children.

The Fox and the Hound – again, I had an easier time with this one because I “read” the book before seeing the movie.  It was a sing-along storybook and tape set based on the film.  An elderly woman raises an abandoned baby fox as her own pet, and he befriends the puppy next door.  Neither fox nor puppy are aware they were born to be enemies.  This becomes problematic as they mature, and gets into the horrific practice of fox hunting.  Note: fox hunters, there is a very special place in hell for you.  God does not like people who starve dogs to the point of insanity and then allow them to terrorize (and destroy) a little red fox.  There is climatic chase scene in which an elderly hunting dog named Chief, who is sort of a mentor to the puppy, gets injured.  I remember the sounds from the audio tape of a dog howling in pain.  That was horrible because I was unsure whether Chief had survived or not until I was prompted to turn the page.  The scene in the movie is not as disturbing, but that was likely because I already knew the outcome.  Bad bonus: the film is also incredibly boring.  Not recommended for small children, especially if they like animals.  Unless a cautious parent fast-forwards through the chase scene and avoids the “Mommy, what’s a fox hunt?” question.

The Watcher in the Woods – it took years for me to figure out what film this was. Our Disney movies often had a montage at the end in which they rapidly flipped through dozens of films.  One clip that simultaneously frightened and intrigued me was one of a blonde teenage girl wearing a blindfold, and then a series of mirrors cracking and reflecting the poor girl.  That mirror clip gave me nightmares, but I always wanted to find out why she was blindfolded and see if she was okay.  Eventually, I learned that the film was “The Watcher in the Woods”.  Basically, a family moves into a house in the woods (creative!) and has a very creepy old lady neighbor.  They gradually befriend her when they learn that her daughter, Karen, mysteriously disappeared years ago.  The woods also appear to be haunted and a young girl occasionally seems possessed by an alien spirit.  So…maybe someone is watching them…from the woods.  Overall, the mirror scene was not as frightening in its entire context.  The film is spooky, but mostly just a bad movie.  Recommended for intelligent children (pointless for me to write that because everyone seems to think their precious wittle snowflake is a bloody genius, but oh well).

All Dogs Go to Heaven – the theme song used to make me cry inexpicably in 5^th grade.  “You can’t keep a good dog down” etc.  Anyhoo, a stray dog dies and goes to doggy hell.  [Why do they show a dog going to hell in the first 5 minutes if the freaking title of the movie tells you that dogs don’t go to hell?}  He gets a second chance and returns to the world to save a little orphan girl named Annemarie.  The story get darker and boring from there.  The problem is not that it’s scary, but rather that the characters just are not cute as animated heroes should be.  The dog and the girl get assistance from some weird sewer monster, who takes them on a ride through the sewers while singing some song about making music together.  It’s just plain gross.  Not recommended because doggy hell is a bad idea and sewers are not hygienic.

Darby O’Gill and the Little People – I remember thinking that this was a James Bond movie because Sean Connery plays one of the leads.  Oops.  It’s about a cranky old Irishman who believes in leprechauns, his lovely daughter Katie, and a plucky gardener who may also be a horny (but totally awesome) English spy.  The film is entertaining and harmless for the most part, plus it has a cheery ditty about “My Pretty Irish Girl”.  The horrific part is when Katie falls ill and a banshee comes for her.  A blue zombie-ish woman wails and shrieks while floating toward the terrified Darby.  In turn, he runs screaming “Banshee! Banshee!”.  I had no idea what it meant and thought he was shouting “bansheedy”.  I also though the “bansheedy” was evil and planning to kill Katie, so I watched this part with my eyes closed and ears plugged.  Banshees aren’t really evil, but tend to wail only when someone is about to die, so they are never exactly welcome.  Recommended, but distract a child when the “bansheedy” comes on screen.

Bambi – I really hate to put this one on here because it didn’t traumatize me in the slightest.  In fact, my parents were concerned that taking me to the theater to see this would be a bad idea.  I was only 3 and too young to figure out what was happening aside from cuddly animals and pretty flowers.  They said that Bambi’s mother’s death went right over my head.  I suspect they were nervous because that part traumatized my father when he saw the movie at age 5.  I guess being just a bit older and less dumb made more of an impact.  Watching it now, it’s still a heartbreaking scene as poor Bambi gets more and more dejected (notice how his head droops and his wobbly legs start to drag) as he realizes that his mother is gone.  However, it is brief and the rest of the movie is good.  Recommended for very young children, or older ones as long as they have fair warning of what’s about to happen.

Special bonus: Movie that is so awesome that I still watch it with joy to this day, and if your kid is scared by it, you should really consider getting it a pass for the short bus

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – I can’t for the life of me figure out why some forum comments included this classic.  They mentioned they were scared by the Childcatcher, a long nosed, rather comically dreadful man in a tacky suit who runs around a village kidnapping children (the local queen doesn’t like them).  With a huge net.  The film is about 2 hours long and the Childcatcher comprises maybe 3 minutes of screen time.  Even as a little tyke, I found the Childcatcher hilarious because he was so obviously evil that I was surprised any kids were tricked by his “free candy” guise.  The kids in the movie, Jemina and Jeremy, were shockingly stupid – maybe a bit retarded.  On the other hand, you have Dick van Dyke as the eccentric inventor Mr. Potts, the beautiful Truly Scrumptious, and a flying car.  I love the “Me Old Bamboo” song, the breakfast-making machine, “Posh Posh Traveling Life” (my theme song each time I moved), and the romantic doll/music box scene where even a little child can realize that Potts and Truly have finally fallen in love.  I think Potts may have been my first movie crush around age 7.  Even if you don’t like family films or musicals, consider that it was written by Sir Ian Fleming of 007 fame.  Recommended for everyone.  If you don’t like it, well then fark you, and I hope the Childcatcher comes for you.

- The Awesomeness of Bacon: seriously, we have this discussion several times a week.  One of my coworkers will walk into the office to share a clever bacon recipe or anecdote. I procured a water dispenser for our department, but now they keep pestering me for a bacon dispenser.  We even coined the phrase “bacon worthy” in response to a fellow I met a few weeks ago, who told me he gave up pork products to grow closer to his North African girlfriend.  The consensus was that you must really, really love someone to give up bacon.

- “Lost” Discussions – while new episodes air on Wednesdays, I must wait to have this conversation until Friday mornings, after my coworker watches it on DV-R.  We discuss the merits and annoyances of the show, primarily our fear that the writers will just explain everything from killer smoke to 4 legged statues with the ol’ “it was aliens” cop-out.  While we agree on “John Locke = Awesome”, I cannot yet convince him that “Sawyer = FAIL”.

- Lunch at Pepe’s: we were seated at two tables to accommodate our group.  My table was having an intellectual discussion, in which our Graduate Assistant was recommending some cool places for me to visit in India.  I leaned over to the other table to check in and heard:

“Dude, you look tired.”

“Yeah, my friend with benefits came over last night.”

- Purple Yam Cookies: my coworker and I went to lunch at Jollibee a few weeks ago, and while the food was awful, the experience was hilarious.  Her “Chicken Joy” meal did not hand out sparkling packets of tastebud cheer, but made for multiple tongue-in-cheek jokes.  We then wandered around Seafood City, getting scared at the fish market, wondering if the eggs contained duck fetuses, and smelling baby cologne (“In case you don’t like the way your baby smells”, according to my coworker”).  To show my love and affection for everyone, I
bought a tin of Purple Yam Cookies to share. They taste like a cross between cardboard and a stale fortune cookie, and we now reserve them for punishment.

- Military Anecdotes: several of my coworkers are also veterans, so every now and then we start reminiscing about the good ole days in the Air Force, though sometimes we let our Navy veteran coworker join in.  Honestly, I don’t recall what we talk about, but it drives the rest of the office crazy.

There are more of course, but I’ll just save those for a future blog entry when I can’t think of anything else to write.  I was going to post a list of tips for making macaroni and cheese.

1. I am currently trying to grow my philodendron into the shape of the Vulcan “live long and prosper” salute.
2. I am scared of doctors and hospitals, except for my dear friend Eddie.
3. Tuesday night, I decided that I’d really like to have a t-shirt with an abacus
   design imprinted on the front.
4. In my opinion, the most heartbreaking song in the history of the world is Hank Williams’ “You Win Again”.
5. In college, I wrote a paper on the awesomeness of The Phantom.  And got an “A”.
6. Most of you know that I love to cook. But did you know that when I was little, I’d fall asleep curled up not with a stuffed animal, but with my favorite cake decorating magazine?
7. Never have I ever, and nor do I intend to ever, own a computer, mp3 player, or PDA. 
8. I like to read the phone book and my dictionary.
9. Last week, I saw Gene Simmons’ and Carrot Top’s bare backsides.
10. My sister and I look so unlike that people sometimes don’t believe we are
    related.
11. Throughout middle school, I was convinced I was adopted (see #10).
12. I can recite the prologue to The Canterbury Tales in Olde English upon request.
13. I have seven piercings.
14. One of my favorite snacks is a handful of raw Quaker oats.
15. I secretly prefer rolls to cornbread, but you won’t see me admit this when I’m back in the South.
16. Pretty much everyone knows this already, but I’m going to say it again just
    because it’s fun: I absolutely, completely, detest cupcakes.