You haven't seen me, talked to me, or heard from me in weeks. But I still think about you. I know you didn't expect me to cut you out of my life so suddenly. I've always been so forgiving, it must have been hard for you to receive anything but forgiveness ... but sometimes it's too late to apologize. I hope I can forgive you someday soon, because I miss you.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red
Now it's turning blue, and you say
"Sorry," like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

And now for something completely different.

So, life. I work, I come home, I relax, I go to sleep. That's my life right now. But that's okay, because it's supposedly getting me money and experience and it's all building toward something really cool and monumental in my life. I'm still kind of envious of some other people though.

Like Sean. Or Colin, as he calls himself now. The guy's my best friend, a kindred spirit, and one of the most talented people I've ever known. My new profile song is by the band he's in, called "We Are Robot" and it ROCKS. I never envisioned him making music like that, but that group seems to do it really well, and his personal touch is integrated so well with the sound of it that it just blows me away.

That being said, I'm pretty happy with my life right now. There are always speed bumps and skid marks and road rash scrapes you get along the way, I'm dealing with those just about every day. But things are heading in a good direction, and I'm discovering a lot of things about myself that I've been able to use to help other people immensely. I do hope one day to be able to perform professionally again, I miss the shows and the escape that they brought me (and the money, I won't lie.) I am so alive when I have the opportunity to perform.

There are a lot of people I miss right now, too - people I didn't think I'd miss, people I didn't want to miss, and people who don't really deserve to be missed. To all of them and all of you who are reading this, I really hope your life is going well and that you're happy. I don't wish for anything less, for you or your families. Thanks for being a part of my life, whether or not you still are or ever will be again.

This is the worst kind of writer's block.

Have you ever had so many things swirling around in your head, so many thoughts and epiphanies and genius ideas that sound so perfect and powerful... and then you sit down and try to verbalize it, and it all sounds stupid and obvious and you think "Why in the world did that seem so amazing before?" So instead you just... don't write anything?

Even writing this is a big leap of faith for me, and will probably just turn into a random rambling, but I felt like writing something. As my friend Brooke would say, "I want to write something amazing."

I wonder if there's a simple connection between this, and the people in my life. There are certain people who, when I've finished interacting with them, my mind is calmly going a million miles an hour because their attitude, aura, personality, everything about them inspires me to THINK. Of course it happens more often with people who are relatively new to my life, but even some old acquaintances spur the machinery in my mind to life. What is it about them? Are they really that deep and soulful that I thirst to figure out something about life so that I can understand them better - or vice-versa? I'd like to think so.

You know, it's hard to find a balance sometimes, in my thoughts and judgments of people. I've always believed that everyone has the same capacities anyone else does, for anything - in essence, everyone is capable of doing anything they desire to do, they just have to discover the mental process that works for them. I even believe that someone with no musical talent whatsoever can learn to sing, or that someone with no coordination can learn to dance. But then I run into cases where people will look at me, or someone else, and say "You're special. Different. There is something that definitely sets you apart from everyone else, in a specific way." And that confuses me. Sure, I'm probably better at being me than anyone else would be, but if someone tried hard enough, I'm sure they could be just like me (though I'm not sure I'd think they were totally sane if they attempted it.) So how is it both that all people have the same degree of potential overall, and somehow a different degree at the same time? What of those people with no real "talents" to speak of, who also don't seem to excel at anything at all? I'm sure there's someone in the world who, no matter how hard they try, they're nothing more than mediocre at everything they attempt in life and relationships. Yet I still believe that that person has incredible potential that just somehow needs to be unlocked. My question that I pose to the universe is... is that true? Were we all born with the inherent ability to do great things? Feel free to speculate all you want on this, I'm curious to know what people think. Because as much as I love hearing that my parents have always believed I was born with some immensely important purpose to my existence, it's always tempered by the thought that comes immediately after: "Maybe so, but chances are, so was that guy, or that guy, or that girl over there."

On a completely unrelated note, it's difficult saying goodbye. Even if it's for the third or fourth time. It's just difficult in different ways. Recently I've said goodbye to two people who were very important to me, and come close to saying goodbye to a couple of others. I'm never eager to push those people out of my life, even though sometimes I know it seems I am. And sometimes I think I should say goodbye, only to realize that I just needed to fix something inside myself and thought I needed to get away from them in order to do it. It's hard to tell the difference, and I know that once goodbye is said, it changes things forever. I hold fast to the belief that even though a goodbye might part our roads completely, paths may cross and even align and intertwine again in the future. I've never had an easy time letting go of things or people, and I still struggle with the idea that some people who enter our lives might leave and never re-enter again - that thought disappoints me and sometimes even brings despair. I've always wanted to hold on to everyone who enters my life, because no matter what happens, they brought something to my life and taught me something. Maybe my belief that we'll be reunited in the future is simply that part of me that won't let go, refusing to believe that sometimes, people never come back. I hope not, but I'm learning to accept that possibility as just that - possible.

People, lives, experiences, emotions, thoughts, it's all valuable. Protect yours, so that you can help protect others. The hardest thing to learn is how to be okay when you're completely alone. Inner strength is the strongest because it takes the most work to acquire. Take some time for yourself, step outside yourself, and look at what's going on inside you. Build a powerful, capable self-image, and BE it. It might - no, it WILL change your life completely, and sometimes painfully, but even the journey brings its own reward.

Those of you who've been wondering about my headline quote, they're the first line of this song, "Fall To You" by Dave Tate. It's... amazing.

What will you say when I go?
Some things will fade... some will grow.
I took my time... but then time was taking me.
Had to leave you behind and set myself free.

I fall to you.

Courage, it takes to the road.
She told me, "Pack up your bags boy, and go."
If I had to choose between you and pain you know just what I'd do,
'cause in my mind, you are so holy, I fall to you.

I fall to you.

And if there's a chance we have it now,
Then there's a chance we'll have it then,
When the winding of my road
Brings me close to you again.
All that I know is there's a purpose
Much larger than the pain.

I fall to you.

Like this, for instance.

Better than sexual.

Okay, that Ferris Gerrard guy didn't know what the heck he was talking about. "There are no girls in Dublin." YEAH RIGHT!

I've spent the past few hours sending out messages to people in Dublin, girls and guys, but let me tell you, there is no shortage of beautiful girls in and around Dublin. I'm sure some of them are going to check out my profile, and maybe even my blogs, to make sure I'm a real person... so if you're reading this, and you're a girl I sent a message to, you're probably beautiful. But I still need advice more than anything, so don't worry, I'm not going to beg to meet you. I just need to know where to go, where not to go, et cetera.

Yeah, so I just got back from an impromptu 5-day vacation in Vegas. Why? Just cause. I had the time, had the means, and wanted to get away for a bit. My friends called me, I said "yep, sure! I'll come down, hang out, maybe stay the night in the hotel room, sounds fun!" I didn't intend on staying 5 days. It just kind of worked out that way.

I've never been the kind of guy to go to a strip club or look for hookers (even though there was a strip club right across the street from my hotel, and every once in a while one of the girls would come out and swing on the swingset and I really just wanted to go up and try to strike up an intelligent conversation just for kicks ) So what did I do in Vegas? Well what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, you know that, so I'm totally going to tell you.

I talked.

Seriously, no joke, I went around to bars and clubs and TALKED. I met so many interesting people! The chances of me running into them again in this lifetime are pretty slim, but the time I had with them was well-spent. I especially remember two people in particular: a black man, probably in his late 40s, outside the Walgreens near our hotel. He was so positive about everything, but all he had for dinner was two ten-cent packages of ramen noodles. I gave him $5 (cause that's basically all the cash I had on me) and he started walking with me back to my hotel, talking to me about music - jazz, soul, everything. He was ecstatic to meet me. It was awesome.
The other person was a lady, probably mid-30s, working in the Glacier Bar on the strip. I talked to her for almost two hours straight, like we were best friends, and despite how weary of "the life" she seemed, she also injected an energy into the night that was fun to be around. One of those really REAL people you meet every so often.

The biggest highlight of my trip, of course, was seeing my friend Sean after a year and a half. Finally getting a chance after so long, to hang out and be around a guy who's always understood me on every level, who's always been one of the most insightful and talented people I knew, was awesome. We had time to catch up on life, reminisce, philosophize, and just be best friends again. We even went and sang karaoke, which I've never done before in my life, and I had a blast - up until the karaoke dude decided he was going to ignore anyone who wasn't a regular, so I only got to sing 2 songs to everyone else's 5 or 6, but hey, it was rad. It was just cause I was so much better than everyone else. Yeah, that was it.

All in all, I'm really glad I went, even though I can't stand being in that environment more than a few hours usually, because after about the third day my clothes were marinated in cigarette smoke.

Oh and I still suck at pool. I will kick your butt at air hockey and almost any other game, but if you want to humiliate me, challenge me to a game of pool. Guarantee no matter how bad you are, you are not as bad as me.

Completely unrelated note: We're like, halfway into National Novel Writing Month, which I signed up for, and I haven't written a single thing. That changes tomorrow. If you want to see my stuff while I write it, let me know here, and I'll post it here.

I'd just embed them, but it's not working right for some reason. So you'll have to follow the links.

Just wait. It's semi-disturbing until ten seconds before the end. Then it's HILARIOUS.
http://www.youtube.com/v/W-qJaow1Kf0

And here's the remix:
http://www.youtube.com/v/zgUy2pjH_Cc

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I didn't write this, but I agree with EVERYTHING it has to say, and I thought it should be shared with anyone who wants to bother to read it. It's long.

Because we haven't had a civil war in the past fourteen decades, people think we can't have one now. Where is the geographic clarity of the Mason-Dixon line? When you look at the red-state blue-state division in the past few elections, you get a false impression. The real division is urban, academic, and high-tech counties versus sub-urban, rural, and conservative Christian counties. How could such widely scattered "blue" centers and such centerless "red" populations ever act in concert?

Geography aside, however, we have never been so evenly divided with hateful rhetoric since the years leading up to the Civil War of the 1860s. Because the national media elite are so uniformly progressive, we keep hearing (in the elite media) about the rhetorical excesses of the "extreme right." To hear the same media, there is no "extreme left," just the occasional progressive who says things he or she shouldn't.

But any rational observer has to see the Left and Right in America are screaming the most vile accusations at each other all the time. We are fully polarized - if you accept one idea that sounds like it belongs to either the blue or the red, you are asssumed-no, required-to espouse the entire rest of the package, even though there is no reason why supporting war against terrorism should imply you're in favor of banning all abortions and against restricting the availability of firearms; no reason why being in favor of keeping government-imposed limits on the free market should imply you are also in favor of giving legal status to homosexual couples and against building nuclear reactors. These issues are not remotely related, and yet if you hold any of one group's views, you are hated by the other group as if you believed them all; and if you hold most of one group's views, but not all, you are treated as if you were a traitor for deviating even slightly from the party line.

It goes deeper than this, however. A good working definition of fanaticism is that you are so convinced of your views and policies that you are sure anyone who opposes them must either be stupid and deceived or have some ulterior motive. We are today a nation where almost everyone in the public eye displays fanaticism with every utterance.

It is part of human nature to regard as sane those people who share the worldview of the majority of society. Somehow, though, we have managed to divide ourselves into two different, mutually exclusive sanities. The people in each society reinforce each other in madness, believing unsubstantiated ideas that are often contradicted not only by each other but also by whatever objective evidence exists on the subject. Instead of having an ever-adapting civilization-wide consensus reality, we have become a nation of insane people able to see the madness only in the other side.

Does this lead, inevitably, to civil war? Of course not - though it's hardly conducive to stable government or the long-term continuation of democracy. What inevitably arises from such division is the attempt by one group, utterly convinced of its rectitude, to use all coercive forces available to stamp out the opposing views.

Such and effort is, of course, a confession of madness. Suppression of other people's beliefs by force only comes about when you are deeply afraid that your own beliefs are wrong and you are desperate to keep anyone from challenging them. Oh, you may come up with rhetoric about how you are suppressing them for their own good or for the good of others, but people who are confident of their beliefs are content merely to offer and teach, not compel.

The impulse toward coercion takes whatever forms are available. In academia, it consists of the denial of degrees, jobs, or tenure to people with nonconformist opinions. Ironically, the people who are most relentless in eliminating competing ideas congratulate themselves on their tolerance and diversity. In most situations, it is less formal, consisting of shunning - but the shunning usually has teeth in it. Did Mel Gibson, when in his cups, say something that reflects his upbringing in an anti-Semitic household? Then he is to be shunned - which in Hollywood will mean he can never be considered for an Oscar and will have a much harder time getting prestige, as opposed to money, roles.

So virulent are these responses - again, from both the Left and the Right - that I believe it is only a short step to the attempt to use the power of the state to enforce one's views. On the right we have attempts to use the government to punish flag burners and to enforce state-sponsored praying. On the left, we have a ban on free speech and peaceable public assembly in front of abortion clinics and the attempt to use the power of the state to force the acceptance of homosexual relationships as equal to marriages. Each side feels absolutely justified in compelling others to accept their views.

It is puritanism, not in its separatist form, desiring to live by themselves by their own rules, but in its Cromwellian form, using the power of the state to enforce the dicta of one group throughout the wider society, by force rather than persuasion.

This despite the historical fact that the civilization that has created more prosperity and freedom for more people than ever before is one based on tolerance and pluralism, and that attempts to force one religion (theistic or atheistic) on the rest of a nation or the world inevitably leads to misery, poverty, and, usually, conflict.

Yet we seem only able to see the negative effects of coercion caused by the other team. Progressives see the danger of allowing fanatical religions (which, by some definitions, means "all of them") to have control of the government - they need only point to Iran, Saudi Arabia, the Taliban, or, in a more general and milder sense, the entire Muslim world, which is oppressed precisely to the degree that Islam is enforced as the state religion.

Conservatives, on the other hand, see the danger of allowing fanatical atheistic religions to have control of government, pointing to Nazi Germany and all Communist nations as obvious examples of political utopianism run amok.

Yet neither side can see any connection between their own fanaticism and the historical examples that might apply to them. People insisting on a Christian America simply cannot comprehend that others view them as Taliban-in-waiting; those who insist on progressive exclusivism in America are outraged at any comparison between them and Communist totalitarianism. Even as they shun or fire or deny tenure to those who disagree with them, everybody thinks it's the other guy who would be the oppressor, while our side would simply "set things to rights."

Rarely do people set out to start a civil war. Invariably, when such wars break out both sides consider themselves to be the aggrieved ones. Right now in America, even though the Left has control of all the institutions of cultural power and prestige - universities, movies, literary publishing, mainstream journalism - as well as the federal courts, they feel themselves oppressed and threatened by traditional religion and conservatism. And even though the Right controls both houses of Congress and the presidency, as well as having ample outlets for their views in nontraditional media and an ever-increasing dominance over American religious and economic life, they feel themselves oppressed and threatened by the cultural dominance of the Left.

And they are threatened, just as they are also threatening, because nobody is willing to accept the simple idea that someone can disagree with their group and still be a decent human being worthy of respect.

Can it lead to war?

Very simply, yes. The moment one group feels itself so aggrieved that it uses either its own weapons or the weapons of the state to "prevent" the other side from bringing about its supposed "evil" designs, then that other side will have no choice but to take up arms against them. Both sides will believe the other to be the instigator.

The vast majority of people will be horrified - but they will also be mobilized whether they like it or not.

It's the lesson of Yugoslavia and Rwanda. If you were a Tutsi just before the Rwandan holocaust who did not hate Hutus, who married a Hutu, who hired Hutus or taught school to Hutu students, it would not have stopped Hutus from taking machetes to you and your family. You would have had only two choices: to die or to take up arms against Hutus, whether you had previously hated them or not.

But it went further. Knowing they were doing a great evil, the Hutus who conducted the pogroms also killed any Hutus who were "disloyal" enough to try to oppose taking up arms.

Likewise in Yugoslavia. For political gain, Serbian leaders in the post-Tito government maintained a drumbeat of Serbian manifest-destiny propaganda, which openly demonized Croatian and Muslim people as a threat to good Serbs. When Serbs in Bosnia took up arms to "protect themselves" from being ruled by a Muslim majority - and were sponsored and backed by the Serbian government - what choice did a Bosnian Muslim have but to take up arms in self-defense? Thus both sides calmied to be acting in self-defense, and in short order, they were.

And as both Rwanda and Bosnia proved, clear geographical divisions are not required in order to have brutal, bloody civil wars. All that is required is that both sides come to blieve that if they do not take up arms, the other side will destroy them.

In America today, we are complacent in our belief that it can't happen here. We forget that America is not an ethnic nation, where ancient ties of blood can bind people together despite differences. We are created by ideology; ideas are our only connection. And because today we have discarded the free marketplace of ideas and have polarized ourselves into two equally insane ideologies, so that each side can, with perfect accuracy, brand the other side as madmen, we are ripe for that next step, to take preventive action to keep the other side from seizing power and oppressing our side.

The examples are - or should be - obvious. That we are generally oblivious to the excesses of our own side merely demonstrates how close we already are to a paroxysm of self-destruction.

We live in a time when people like me, who do not wish to choose either camp's ridiculous, inconsistent, unrelated ideology, are being forced to choose - and to take one whole absurd package or the other.

We live in a time when moderates are treated worse than extremists, being punished as if they were more fanatical than the actual fanatics.

We live in a time when lies are preferred to the truth and truths are called lies, when opponents are assumed to have the worst conceivable motives and treated accordingly, and when we reach immediately for coercion without even bothering to find out what those who disagree with us are actually saying.

In short, we are creating for ourselves a new dark age - the darkness of blinders we voluntarily wear, and which, if we do not take them off and see each other as human beings with legitimate, virtuous concerns, will lead us to tragedies whose cost we will bear for generations.

Or, maybe, we can just calm down and stop thinking that our own ideas are so precious that we must never give an inch to accommodate the heartfelt beliefs of others.

How can we accomplish that? It begins by scorning the voices of extremism from the camp we are aligned with. Democrats and Republicans must renounce the screamers and haters from their own side, instead of continuing to embrace them and denouncing only the screamers from the opposing camp. We must moderate ourselves instead of insisting on moderating the other guys while keeping our own fanaticism alive.

In the long run, the great mass of people who simply want to get on with their lives can shape a peaceful future. But it requires that they actively pursue moderation and reject extremism on every side, and not just on one. Because it is precisely those ordinary people, who don't even care all that much about the issues, who will end up suffering the most from any conflict that might arise.

--Orson Scott Card, Empire

I've never felt so affected by the death of someone I didn't even know personally. I guess I finally realize how much I idolized this man and his works. In my mind, the author of the greatest fantasy books of our time. I guess Ronnie Day said it right. "Sometimes we watch our heroes die... and we don't know why they left us so young."

Light illumine you, Robert Jordan. Suravye asa taishite.

One of their new songs is on my profile. Two more are on my band page that you can get to through the player link. Idiot Pilot has actually SUPERCEDED their last album. As in, sophomore slump does not apply. As in, the sequel is better than the original. As in, YOU SHOULD OWN THIS ALBUM. (It doesn't appear til October 2nd, but you all know that's never stopped me before. You want it, I DO still have my FTP up.)

Also, September 13th. Everyone buy me cheap presents, no expensive stuff. What's more important to me is that I see you either that day, or the Saturday immediately after (aka September 15th.) There are some specific things I want for my birthday, almost none of which are material possessions. If you ABSOLUTELY want a wish list, I'll give you one, but you won't be able to afford anything on it, so you may as well just use your imagination and pick out something that you think would amuse or please me. Do not buy me alcohol, stuffed animals, condoms, or sex toys, unless you have an extremely good reason for it that would make me laugh hysterically.

I expect to see you all on 15 Saturday. Specifics will be given as the day approaches, if you bother to keep in touch with me. If you don't, you're a loser and I hate you. Unless you're family, because I didn't really do much for my family's birthdays this past little while (Faith, I really am going to make it up to you, especially if you participate in my birthday festivities :) )

After August 10th, you can no longer see me in shows in Springdale. After August 11th, you can no longer see shows such as Twist the Night Away, It's Showtime!, Christmas Treasures, or I Fall To Pieces in Springdale AT ALL.

It's all over that week, folks. You have very few days remaining. After that, there will be no shows this year, or next year, or the year after.

If you've been putting off coming to see me, don't do so any longer. Unless I don't want to see you there, in which case, buzz off! :P

Who: ME (and Faith and a few others)
What: It's Showtime! (Best of Broadway)
When: 8 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays
Where: Bumbleberry Theatre, Springdale.

Also, if you missed me in Twist, including the day that I covered for Travis unexpectedly when I was supposed to hang out with you but couldn't get ahold of you cause you're retarded and think it's fun to bail out on me *coughdevincoughcough* so you could have come to see me if you'd kept your word... too bad. I don't think I'll be doing it again, at least not here. Maybe if it gets set up somewhere else. Maybe I'll produce and direct my own version in Ireland.

Anyway, the point is, come before August 10th. That is all.

Enough with the emo blogs, right? Heh. Well, all I can say is, I KNEW this would happen. I knew it. As much as you said it wouldn't, as sure as you were that nothing serious would happen, I KNEW.

You've helped to show me again that TRYING gets me nowhere, and simply not caring is the best policy. No matter what I do, you'll always have your own agenda, and I'm supposed to consider myself lucky if it includes me.

Well now it doesn't, but somehow, I'm not feeling unlucky. I'm just angry at myself for being so right, and angry at you for being exactly what I hoped you weren't. You'd get along with her. I'm sure of it.

But then again, it's like you said. I don't measure up. I am not good enough. You said it yourself. Too bad you're the only one who believes it. I just wish you hadn't disappointed me.