Now for the record everyone is a nerd at something: cooking, parenting, drilling holes...whatever. They used to call it "being a hobbiest" but with the development of technology and evolution of said "Generation X", this term has taken on a more general meaning.

I'm writing this simply because I'm a movie, comic, art and design nerd. I'm sure there's something else but I'm not gonna say it in public forum. Now because of this, I'm pretty much at a point that I can see, most of the time, the ebb and flow of the entertainment industry. I guess you could say I'm at that point where everything is white noise.

Now that even Jesus himself is blogging, I've especially grown an interest in peoples commentary on movies. The astounding arrogance of people that don't have a general understanding of the critiquing process, or just mere common sense makes me laugh and at the same time bores me. It's like I want to get that 12 year old LCD tanned kid and repeatedly say, "ok you make it." seasoned with a healthy dose of "black rage".

No doubt some will be up to the challenge of Nerdness. Especially these days, with the technology the way it is and moments of ignorance posted on the internet. The current aesthetic has broadened to the point of meaning, talent is a necessary dividing point between "sweet and sucky".

All that said, I've made a personal analysis of nerd development. I can only go with the development of nerd from 80what to now, but the core development more or less stays the same:

Nerd stage 1: Extreme infatuation.

Now this is with anything and everyone. That point where you find that new discovery or grow an affinity for something that's always been there or a love within self you didn't think possible. It's a good feeling. Like finding that one for the first time or having your first "moment" with someone you've grown to love. Depending on the dedication though, it may or may not pass.

Nerd stage 2: Study

This is where people start to fall off. The initial "wow that's cool!" may start to fade off with the introduction of alcohol, frat parties or dad's Lexus. However, those that really want it may even feed through that. Take the Lexus to Comicon with pimpled and farting friends, show the stereotypical frat kid comics to improve his/her reading level, do a drinking game for a movie. Whatever gets you through socially while you secretly stay at home and study the true inner workings of the love you desire.

Of course there's the monk kid, but this can be potentially dangerous without friends or collegues that either A) are down with the love also B)tolerate it because they respect and or love you still or C) because you can find that balance*

*selection C tends to take longer due to split timeframes.

Nerd Stage 3: Mastery.

This is where the true and ridiculed really get through. Carrying TSR games out of development, stacks of gaming books, XBox overheating after 32 hours of constant play time, drawing until carpal tunnel feels as natural as belching.

This is where the screwfaces of the "fallen off" come in:
"Dude you're still doing that?"
"I used to do that but..."
"Bitch grow up!"

Eventually though the love for what you have will flow through that in three forms: True love, vengance or a combination of both. Ultimately though, like all things, love drives it the most with a residual and recuring "when I make it big..." potentially coming in. That, however, is dependent on the psyche.

Like all of these though be wary. With mastery comes the potential of obliviousness. Where nothing matters BUT this. You may need balance introduced into your life in some form: nights out, boyfriends/girlfriend/wife/husband/family. In the beginning these become a burden more than an asset for some. Some need to fight through more than others, but eventually you gain understanding or just pause here and live in what you know. Which leads to the next stage.

Nerd stage 4: The Point.

This is the nexus where a decision is made. After mastery an assortment of things can happen: You can decide you're done with it, but with a greater and more comprehensive view. You can keep on, but it's either for mere sport, you know nothing else or your skills are now profitable. This is usually where the "vengance" idea becomes pointless.

Like Neo you can see the inner workings like code in the Matrix. You can seperate the posers from those with experience, the cosmetically and trendy quirky from those that were always skewed. An assortment of followers may start to gel around you, but most importantly, that which was "Nerd" is "Nerd no more." Even with the greatest you're able to see the techniques applied and all that stands between you and that greatness is a little bit of practice to understand the medium while applying your own unique aesthetic.

Nerd Stage 5: Teacher

This point varies depending on the topic of nerdity. This is where you go back and inform the fledgling with the teachings that you might not have had. This could be Coach, Parent, Producer, Director whatever gets the point across to the people. Ultimately this is what it's all about. This one is also the toughest. To be a teacher means sacrifice and that means sacrificing all or part of what you've grown to love for the sake of others. Something unavoidable may keep you from what you want or the circumstances force you into that position. After a while though you're able to go and do what you've always wanted and what drove you in the first place: Have fun with quality.

Epilogue:

All of these stages mean nothing really without expanding your horizon. Inspiration comes from anywhere for whatever you're doing. Sometimes it's inevitable to be confined, and sometimes you may even have to force yourself out of the house or wherever you are. But when you get back your element is much stronger.

Or this could all be bullshit.

I'm too idealistic.

There are some things, points in idealism that keep me going. The desire for success and attention to the details of the problem. Those I'm cool with.

I try to apply this to other things in life, but it seems I'm behind. The sad thing is I'm complacent when it comes to that now. If you were to go by the horoscopic definition of who I am in both the traditional and Chinese charts this is what you'd find:

Virgo

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac and is symbolized by the virgin. The symbol of the virgin may be used for Virgos in part becauseit shows their cool and disciplined ways. Virgos are rational,practical, intelligent people who are able to think clearly thanks tothe ruler of their Earth sign, Mercury. If you ever decide to question a Virgo, make sure you know your stuff because it will be hard to convince them they are wrong. A Virgo's thought is so precise that theyare not very tolerant of other people's procrastination or lack of common sense. They simply cannot understand why other people cannot function at the same level as they do. Virgos also pride themselves on their excellent memories.

Because Virgos have such clear thought, they may be critical of others.They are perfectionists who despise carelessness and incoherence in others. However, as critical as they are of others, they usually turn that criticism inwards on themselves. They dislike being criticized by others because they already know their own faults.

Most Virgos have an intensity that makes them both industrious and efficient. Sticklers for detail, they are very organized (psych). They are also hard workers as they are driven to do, not daydream. They are weary of making decisions until they know all the facts. Virgos are shy by nature and function better in one-on-one situations rather than in large social gatherings.

Year of the Ox

Those born under the influence of the Ox are fortunate to be stable and persevering. The typical Ox is a tolerant person with strong character. Not many people could equal the resolution and fearlessness the Ox exhibits when deciding to accomplish a task or an objective. As we used this great creature long ago to plow the soil day after day, so do Ox people labor through their daily responsibilities either at work or at home without complaint or gripe. Oxen know they will succeed through hard work and sustained effort and find no truth or benefit in concocting get-rich-quick schemes.

Specifically (apparently):

THE WATER OX 1913 AND 1973

The Water element gives the Ox a flexibility and liberty. Water Oxen are as hard-working as anyone, and particularly systematic, and are probably the quickest-thinking of the other elemental Oxen. They are much more prepared than the other Oxen to recognize the points of view of others and to think about their ideas and suggestions, making them easy to work with in a business environment. They generally consider the feelings of others which makes them good roommates or partners. In addition, their sincerity and patience ensures their popularity with friends, peers and family.

In the end though what does all that mean? Not a damn thing really other than a tendency or a box to place you in. So I often ask myself what I'm really looking for. Probably too much. The irony is this blog is pretty apparent to the signs exhibited. Being critical of one's self.

Thing is where has all of this idealism and desire for some form of order through religion or work or doing the right thing gotten me? As idiotic as that sounds there are deeper questions at hand when thinking of this.

Relationship wise I'm pretty critical, sometimes over thinking it. The women I can talk to are usually already in a relationship or talk to me about some other cat while I get the "you're a good friend/example/person I can talk to" speech. I'm fine with that and I like conversation, but I often wonder, if I like this person, if I'm even considered an option or taken seriously? I'm kinda tired of that.

Being a "possible example" (as egotistical as that sounds)  for a world that doesn't seem to give a shit. Being the person women seem to want AFTER all the life drama because they want to "settle down" or "settle for" while I'm still trying to figure out how to get started (aka "good guys finish last"). Being the cat coworkers and clients seem to take advantage of "because he's a good soldier!", but at who's cost I wonder?.

I don't want to be an asshole but at some point I need to do like Indy in the Last Crusade and take that step I'm unsure of. Maybe that will kill a lot more of these feelings, help me realize the truth or at least bring my apprehensions down some.

I haven't experienced too much compared to others. At 35 I'm supposed to know a lot more than I do or at least have experienced it on some level. But here I am with a stack of comic books from 1987. I like the gift, don't get me wrong. I can see it create opportunities. Especially now. But I got a lot of shit to get over.

God willing I'll have what it takes if it comes to pass.

Yeah so I lost my job, I guess about 5 weeks ago. I got laid off.

I can't say I was too distraught.I didn't really dig the job all that much anyway after 3 years. Which in the advertising realm is a while. So I fall into a position which could potentially put me in a good place if I keep moving and play it right. I'll be indoors most of the time but I'll keep it going, figure out what to do and make it happen.

Thing is I have a pretty astute plan in position. And like this freelance thing, if I play it right, it'll work well. However in the process of all of this you start to see a pattern. I don't know if it's a work thing and I might have been a part of it as well, but you start to wonder how seriously people see you if you aren't part of a workforce.

I'm not too worried if I will or won't be in a gig in the future because I know my plan, succeed or fail. Either way I'll come out wiser and with more skills to apply.

But I wonder how I'm viewed for no current consistent 401k. Not "moving up" the ladder. It's like only when you "make it" when the people go "I knew you always would!" all the while all you did was get a good deal, project, logo design, whatever for the moment.

At any rate, it really doesn't matter and tomorrow still comes. Time to make the doughnuts.

So I just got this movie back I lent out: Charlie Wilson's War.
I recommend it if you haven't seen it already.
It's pretty political and like a lot of movies lately I don't fully take in a movie I dig until around the 2nd or 3rd viewing. This one was on while I was doing some work so I was catching snippets in the dialog a bit better. Yeah don't ask. Anyway it was about America and how they supplied the Afghanistan guerillas with weapons to fight the russians. Like any hollywood production I have a give or take on what's being presented to me, but there was an overall theme that presented a compelling thought to me: Is the American ideal getting us in trouble?

Now like plenty of people out there I voted for Obama. First black president, young, his ideas on energy conservation and how to take on problems honestly, at least seemingly, I applaud. But also like a lot of people I've had the "to be continued" mentality. That comes not from a doubt as president but a general speculation of humans. Even the best of us will eventually screw up. The question in this case is how big of a screw up?

I think the first time I saw that ideal manifested in my lifetime was when Obama was voted as Presidential Elect.

That said, have we generated an ideal too superhuman for us to live up to, Is it just my personal perception of this ideal that's unrealistic or is it this ideal that has given us the mentality of being "overseers" ,to some extent, of this world?

I'm a pretty God fearing cat, much to the chagrin of some of my compatriots. But hey I don't tell them how to live if they don't tell me how I don't need prayer. Like many I don't like seeing the suffering of others either, but I'm often left wondering, what is the purpose of all of this that America is doing at times? Is it to bring balance to this pendulum or control the swinging?

There were some people I had to let go of today to get something else done. Kinda pissed me off. I don't like giving up because this was a friend, or someone I perceived as "friend".

Trying to tell your engineer pops stuff like that sucks though. He'll tell you the solution to your problem in a way that makes you look like you fucked up again. And I did. But I had to make a choice and I let some things go.

The messed up thing about my perception of business is it deems you good only up to a point of failure and yet I still seek salvation in it because at least there's some level of specific clarity: You get paid when the job is done. Job is done and you don't get paid you can go to court. You screw up on the job you go to court, get sued or get fired. So do the job.

But having to let something go for something you know you can do but don't have the time for stresses me. Even when you KNOW the project you dropped was screwing you out of time and money. Must be a pride thing.

And then there's the factor of what you really want to do versus what you regularly do. The closer you are to what you really want to do the easier the choice is. Especially when you're getting paid for it.

Regardless, I have work to do.

I hate that phrase or any variation of it.

There are a select few that know better, but whenever I hear that the first thing that comes in my head is,"yeah they just want something free or not to pay as requested."

As an artist sometimes your contracts aren't taken seriously, the "client" in question gives you the "Can't you just draw/design it?" face, and if you don't go with it you tend to get bad mouthed at times.

So why do I agree to it so much?

Well it's because a lot of the time that request comes from friends or people at the time I thought were friends. Being the cat I'm trying to be often times I mistake good deeds for being taken advantage of. I think part of that is due to staying in a lot and not getting where people are coming from as a result. That or they're just good at hustling.

Well I get it now and I'm kinda done with it.

Yeah I'm a fool about it, but I think now I see what I'm capable of versus the motives of others. This isn't a statement of hate but, like I said, I'm tired of being hustled. I only have one "squad" or "crew" I want to be down with as well as a select few that show respect for the process. A true friend or client recognizes your rules and will follow them out of respect, to which it is YOU'RE choice whether you bend them or not. Being nice gets you so far and people get in where they can I see.

Once you learn to take a chance on yourself though confidence grows and you can see the sales pitch a little better and realize your own motives and work towards them. I don't need to make it big, just do what I love to do for a living and continue to learn it.

God willing I'll get better at reading the hustle. Criticisms are inevitable, but at least now I know where I want to go. My real friends tend to recognize that also.

So one day I treked out to my friend Samax's house in one of my "I wonder if I can get this right?" moods and basically he said this to me:

"If you took everything you had on your floor, put it in a book and sold it, see what would happen."

So I'm seeing what will happen:

http://www.lulu.com/browse/preview.php?fCID=3351447

Also on August 21 @ Zubar there will be a regular hip hop show that they usually do...but with ART, some come out and help support and listen to good music.

Check the folders for the flyers and the preview art. CHEERS!!

I don't get it. Really I don't get it.

You might spend...I don't know...days, months or years not doing what you're supposed to or are thinking about doing. Then one day you say to yourself,"Ok, I think I'm going through with this." and that's when things want to sweep kick you.

I've never felt this much of a trip up in my life.

"Hey I know you're busy but can you do this?"
"You know you owe this in two weeks right?"
"Oh by the way you need to go here."

Where the hell did you guys come from !? All I said was I wanted to do something for myself!

I suppose that's the test though. It's like feeling the burn when you're working out I guess. You don't want to do this shit but you need to learn how to handle yourself at some point and be civil about it.

I suppose that's what's called "successful adult".

Technology is weird.

I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just weird.
I watch a lot of people get lost in it a lot of the time and want to become symbols of innovation. I'm one of them, but only because I want to be less of a burden to anyone as much as possible.

Thing is programing, like drawing or playing the piano, takes time to get into and be good at so right now I can only go so far and there are things that need to be caught up on. That said once you understand the principal a lot makes sense, it's the syntax you don't really want to deal with.

I was told my father wanted to be a fashion designer.

"what?"

At first that made NO sense considering dad is an electrical engineer. Then I remembered him making a dress for my stepmother back in '87.
I was like "where the hell did that come from !?", but apparently this 6'9" basketball player has it like that.

For a while the context of technology and art residing in the same place seemed like oil and water to me, but the more intimate I got with the creative process the more it all made sense. From comic books to computers the development of something just takes a plan, a process and a pencil and paper. Technology always changes, but the process stays the same.

So it gets odd when you see creative or developmental companies fail due to misallocation, poor management, no understanding or simple impatience. At the end of it all you would think that common sense would come in and say "Hey! Relax. Take some time and let's get the right people and think of a plan." But I'm one to talk. Panic kicks in like cops.

Whatever the case, I'd say I've become more accustomed to this process. Now I need to see how I can apply it to other things, accept what I don't know, ask for help and build on the ideas and suggestions of others instead of those that desire the glory or quick buck all the time.

Anyway, it's whatever.

Once you've established what you're capable of there's always a risk I suppose. That of the overdose. Granted I'm probably too soon in the process to worry about it too much but I've seen the downfall of some great people due to overdose, overconfidence, ego tripping, whatever you want to call it. That's another point of fear that kicks in and you start to see this fear thing as a regulator. But even that needs regulation or you're back where you started.

So what to do? Well the prior mistake I made was the assumption of what the definition of "courage" was. It was too general and I had no understanding of what it yielded until I immersed myself in it more. That's when things started to make sense. It gave me more of an understanding of what I needed to listen to, apologize for, correct, work on, build and ultimately get to. So now there's more competence on what to listen for and what not let get to you. It'll take a bit of practice like keeping consistent with productivity and building on skill sets, but patience is the key and the mastering of all of these factors is the purpose until you're given the right to pass it on I believe. One day I'll be able to apply it to other aspects of life.

So until then, I'll deal with the BS remarks of what I didn't do or should be doing and keep my mouth shut. Apparently that seems to work best because people get a hard on for throwing things in your face when something is at your pace and not theirs. It's cool though. Tomorrow's a new day, people gotta eat and bills gotta get paid. Love what you do and you'll find a way.