I have never been more scared to death in my whole entire life.  I hate what I am about to say but I would be better off if I were just about anyone else except for who I am (not including all of the starving children in Africa or homeless orphans in Siberia or refugees in Pakistan).  I wish I were anyone else I know.  I am jealous of all my friends, and I am so embarrassed by how bad my life has become that I have to avoid them because I would burst into tears if I ever had to hear someone ask me a question as simple as, "What are you up to these days?"  It's not like telling someone that you are homeless, you can't find a job, you are hungry but eating hurts because you are missing two fillings, recently discovered you are HIV positive, some asshole stole a suitcase with all of your clothes in it, your old used car broke down after your newer more reliable one was reposessed because it was stolen and the police put it in the impound when it was recovered.  That impound bill was too big and the lien holder took it back.  You just ran out of food stamps, your family not only refuses to help you but goes so far as to send you names of people to contact to get a bed in a shelter.  Your brother came to town for work and didn't call you because his wife hates you and forbade him.  You do not even have the $1.25 it takes to get on the subway to attempt accomplishing your growing list of things to do.  Your shameless therapist seems greedier than ever, which is why she is the rapist. Your former best friend/cousin got married and turned into a pussy-whipped stranger (the leash called love is attached to his wife's vagina) so you have spent lots of time alone.  If one more person tells you what you have to be grateful for you will kill them.  I guess, yes you are grateful for the automatic functions of your body's central nervous system because it would really suck having to wheel a respirator with you as you carry your luggage through dirty Koreatown.  If you could make yourself stop breathing you would ... you are sick of apologizing for your ever-present suicide.  And it seems like these days, when ever you need someone to be there for you, there ain't nobody else aroud ... and your mother sends you straight to voicemail and only communicates with you through text messages. 
All of this upsets me very much and I try not to think about it as much as I do, but I have to think about it just about all the time because it's constantly right up in my face or hovering above me or waiting for me wherever I'm about to go.  And it sucks, and nobody really understands what being homeless is like until they have been homeless. The vapid people here think they know what the solution is, they say such ignorant things like, well the go and get a job without remembering that to get a job interview to go successfully, it is important to start to by deciding what you are wearig the night belore, brushing your teeth, showering, having enough money in your pocket to get there without having to walk from Vermont Ave. to Fairfax and dripping with sweat by the time you sit down at the guy's desk, essentially getting fired from a job before you even have a chance to work it. 

Little did I know that I would be so WILDLY unsuccessful by the time I reached the age of 32.  It is my hope to find others that can infuse just the right amount of bad decision making, shitty fucking luck, mashochism, unsupportive, wicked peers that chose to be critical in a mean way instead of a contstructive one and a string of jobs they not only find loathesome but that are completely unrelated to their passion in life ... I want to find all of my like minded, misunderstood black sheep and see just how useless we can be.  We'll make a holiday of it ... The world's first completely useless observance day.

I would have hung out at home tonight if I had a home to hang out in.
I would have showered and brushed my teeth and shit and shaved and put on clean clothes and felt normal again.
I would have made it to my really important job interview this morning.
I would have been able to buy a carton of milk or a pound of ground beef.
I would have used the gas burning stove to prepare a healthy meal in a perfect world.
I would have put my leftovers into the refridgerator.
I would have had someone over and maybe we would have had safe sex.
I would have gone to bed late and woken up early and still felt rested.
I would have and I should have if I only could have.