I am so sick and tired of being alone.  I don't know what happened to me along the way.  There was a time when I was a bit younger than I am now that I had them coming and going (no pun intended).  Now it's definitely not that way anymore and I get so fucking lonesome I could just die.  I don't even have a Goddamn dog.  I float through my days kind of listlessly, not making real connections with anyone, it seems.  There are certainly the superficial people I meet out and about.  I mean, they are everywhere.  After all, this is L.A.  Everyone pretends to be so fantastic, so well-to-do, on the up and up.  It's been so long since I have spent some time anyplace else that I wonder if this is just the way people are.  Or is this just the way people are in L.A.?  I don't know the answer to that anymore, and I think I used to know.  Like, when I first moved to the west coast, I remember being astounded by central dumbness that surrounded most of the people I met.  I've since met some really wonderful people that I truly value in my life and am very grateful to have friendshps with today, but those people are few and far between.  Maybe I'm just in one of those awkward phases like when you are going through puberty and your voice changes or that uneven growth phase when you have really big feet and skinny legs and a big head but an underdeveloped body.  Maybe that's exactly what's happening in my life today, maybe I'm chANging again and I don't know yet what the changes are going to be, and so I can't decide if what I do is for the better or for the worse.  This is just what i have been thinking about today.













 


 

Breathe in, breathe out
I say a little prayer
How the gods above
Could be so unfair

I know there's someone out there
Waiting for me
There must be someone out there
There just has to be

I should be glad that I'm alive
It could have been much worse
I might have never loved at all
And never known what I am worth

for a second tonight while i was dancing in my chicken costume, it felt like everything was good.  it's the first time i can remember having a feeling like that in the longest time ... it's been many years since the last time everything just seemed okay.  what a relief it was!  all the components were there: great music, fun people, dancing, i was in the rhythm of the moment.... and then it was gone.  i'm home now, laying on my bed ... still in my chicken costume... i have to remember to remember that everything is okay

i'm not allowed to make a mistake or slip and fall
you've got to stay on the up and up is what they tell me
or else... or else... or else.... or else...

or else what?
what happens when i make a bad decision?
in all the years i have left to live, i am fairly certain that i will
make at least one or two of them.
and who are you to tell me that i have crossed a finish line?