here:



here:



here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/15/cnns-kyra-phillips-cunt-s_n_134946.html

Goddamn.. i just stumble up on it.. totally by acciden. I know it is foul.. but jeez.. i laugh so hard.. been hurting my ribs..

no write in a while. sorry ppl's new job is bothering me. Dramarey.. you are right.. i spend a lot of time checking out personal ads..Why? Me so horny... and no women out here in PGH .. of like mind... and body.. Sad.


realized.. my novel is actually almost done. doing the rewrite stage.. will be murderation.. but i think another 15 pages andmy nutty handwritten 500 page project will be finito.. not sure what to do next.. time to start shopping it. query letters and the like.. figure out the purpose of my life... to discover my divinity. my work has suffered a bit.. b/c i'm an atheist leaning guy. cannot do that. i can maintain my skepticism.. but i do need a more cosmic view of the worild.. otherwise the quality and direction of whatever i do is pointless.. it may all be pointless anyway.. but if that is the case.. it will only be as meaningful as i choose.. that is cool. i'm am less fearful of the coming winters.. there is a man pacing in the window across the street. green shirt. ...wtf is he doing up.. like me..

oh yeah.. sad sad days..

So, figured out.. i will actually need to work out to lose weight. it has come to a head. in my defense.. i have been walking alot of miles. 1st from work to Squirrel Hilll, then from there to Friendship.. down the deadly Negley avenue hill.

Notice, there are alot of freaks in Sq. Hill. I like it. I hate the Job Corps kids hanging out cattycorner from drugstore. Just on GP. Loud. Ghetto. But, when I was younger, me and some other kids got assaulted by a bunch of those fucktards. OK.. maybe not hating them, specifically, just their tribe.

Fuck "OOM YUNG DOE" or whatever the hell they call that bloody martial fusion art. 17 arts in one.. so you Get the power of ALLThey are everything you should avoid. Here, bring your kids, they will learn "discipline." Sign up for a long term contract. Read this pamphlet about how the founder laid on a bed of nails with 15 concrete blocks on his chest, leapt from a 3 story building uninjured, and splits 2-ton diamond boulders with his dick. In the storefront you see all these guys posing with rocks and bonsai trees behind him. Such stereotypes. Swords flashing, crane stance. Any martial art is just a lot of hardwork, confusion, doubt, and pain. Alot of it. Still, a business, so I guess they have to emphasize the inimitable ass-kicking prowess you will earn in exchange for your monthly debit. meh.

so, time to consider career changes. IT.. is killing me. It could be the environment I am in. I'm gaining confidence and I'm not as stupid as I was last month. I guess I just needed knowledge. It is just frustrating when you work and you literally have no idea what needs to be done or how. Still, as the O Sensei said, you get an opportunity to test yourself in adversity. getting shot at in Manchuria does that to ya, me guess.

once i have half a brain, i'll coredump a big list of things that i might be interested in, parse, then decide what to do next. One thing a job gives you is $$$. $$$== options... rather unfortunate to think that though. But.. we will see. in teh meantime, time for Wine, Halo, and the dreams to follow.

I've started dreaming again, which is tres cool. it gives me the best damn poems in teh world. so, if you cannot sing, in your mind, you cannot really write poems. i hate these old retarded men talking about what poems are, when they cannot even move. all they are doing is permutations on a dirge, their own.

strange stuff happned last night. burned myself. aerosol can near a candle. FWOOOOSH. it enveloped my entire palm. What is that smell? my hair got singed.. ran to bathroom, flushed hand in cool water preventatively. no burns or tingle. i'm guessing it flowed out, got around my hand.. then caught on. lost some length on back of my pink, ends curled up like candle wick. hilarious...

figured out that artificial lighting is what keeps me up. not the internet or gaming. cut all teh light off.. i get sleepier earlier. Nice. cannot think of much else now....

today.. not one of my best days.. in the beginning. woke up at noon. did nothing but play halo. realized.. there is nothing that i really *want* to do. Nothing that consumes me in hunger. if not, then what? i have lost passion for doing anything but sitting around the house.

went to coffeehouse. finally saw vice grip after some weeks, caught up with her, she gets cooler by the minute . hung out with ppl in south side. like the south side. realize, that when ppl say they hate the bar scene.. they just been going to the wrong fucking bars.. plus... they probably are just not good at dealing with the scene. had a good time.. came home. almost. drove some girls home in the zipcar. they thought i was a cab. duquesne girls. don't car, drove them home... they were cool. they thought i was a jitney.. arguing about what they were going to eat. funny.. getting into a car with a stranger. they called a cab.. waited for an hour. fuck pittsburgh, that is why this town is not going anywhere. gave me 8 dollars. realized.. i probably could rent zipcars.. ride them late at night.. when no one has them reserved.. get paid.. and come out with a profit. that was officially my first jitney job.. girls have me directions.. boom dropped them off in front of their dorm.

i did not like south side b4.. i like it now... hidden reasons... strange fun.. duquenes girl said i look mid 20s.. oh yeah.. good thing i left the house today..

so omitted alot of things from last posting. what is *up* with me lately. Bad decisions, but not really bad. Just bad situations that i end up in when i forget that i am black.

Used to like an east end bar whose name i will not mention. None too far from my house. Usually, am the only black dude in there, but not always. Go in. Place is loud b/c of jukebox. Asked to sit down next to a rather hyper irish girl. turns out she works in shadyside law firm. Cool, a bit talkative. told me she dated a guy for 6 years, they move in, she leaves the house in two days and never speaks to the guy again. Wow. Thought she was actually with the guy sitting next to her. then i saw what was going down.

turns out she came to the bar solo, probably looking for a hookup. I don't knock anybody for that, but i don't pursue that sort of thing with a woman too drunk. i chatted her up a bit. she showed me photos of her friends daughter. she had a snaggle tooth, she was cool, but probably would be better sober. I am not going to get into a competition for her attention with her and other dude, but i'm not going to freeze her out totally. over the course of the night, she dropped a whole bunch of thingso ut of her purse without knowing. mmm not that attractive. i ask her if she will catch a cab home, she says yeah. cool. next thing i know, one of the guys i seen at Novum with me shows up, starts talking to her, leaves with her15 min afterwards.Kind of ghetto, but could be likable. He pays for a budweiser with a wrinkled 20 dollar buill and takes all the change back. He was looking at me funny, as if he was checking to see if i would get jealous or something. it was just weird. i also figured she was fidgeting around and not leaving because she wanted me to "make my move."


Even if my mind was on that tip, it would be impossible. the jukebox is deafening. two old italian couples came in. Old men piss me off. Too much damn cologne and shirts tucked in at the waist in dress pants. Give it a rest already... i don't want to sniff you 15 feet away. dude comes in. bartender, can be a jerk @ times. i guess you get that being in one place too long. En route to the bar that will not be named, i came upon a drunk guy. he handed me a beer. i put it down elsewhere. whatever.. so, after irish girl, with a rather forlorn look on her face, goes home with Mr. Novum. drunk guy comes in the bar. no one can understand a word he says. bartender refuses to serve him. she's gracious, ad nice. i ignore the cat, while she is speaking to him. he taps me, i tell him she is right, cannot get served. he incredulously asks if i am shitting him. No good sir, i shit thou not.

Bartender comes up, and in retrospect was giving me shit. she was asking me why i was talking to him after she cut him off. i did not really understand what she meant, i told her i was telling him that it is against the law to serve him. When i look back on it, she was saying that i should literally have not said anything to him, as if I sparked up a conversation with him and neglected any consideration. Fuck that, drunk dude taps you on the arm at a bar, you address him. No telling what he might do if you don't. WTF, i'm supposed to be all quiet and stonewall the guy? i was backing her up and explaining to the guy that he legally cannot be served, and I get shit about it. all of 15-30 seconds to tell the guy, and then he leaves anyways. bartender is an ignorant asshole whose been working in the same place so long i guess she thinks it is her house or something. it could be the area though. stupid ghetto guys asking for 40 ounces.

Had bad shit happen at harris. Went there, wild on a saturday night. girls, drunk guys with too much money. walk over to the jukebox, black cocaine head starts to talk to this girl, she grabs me and hides behind me... close keeping my body between herself and dude. he was just saying hi, i thought they were friends, playing around. turns out she was seriously afraid of the guy. being on coke, might make you overly hyper, but i got more of a playful vibe, being used as a shield. then it got weird. went back to jukebox later, dude standing near girl says some shit.. "Blab Blah .. ask Lamar." while looking at me. Iniitially, i thought he was just mistaking me for a dude named Lamar, till I realized he might as well as said "Demetrius" or "Lebron." I was not even mad, just bemused. Same girl who used me as a shield apologized, grabbed my arm with both of her hands while saying this. mmmmkay. she was sincere about it, but i was just in awe.....

later on, you knew shit would get wild. saw that same group of jokers dropping their pants while dancing to the music. stupid. Then, unspecified dudes start screaming. I get the impression that dude calling me "Lamar" and some other creepy cat were about to get into it. Crack harris grill staff go to work and get them out of the place. Actually had some good convo later on in the night. bunch of girls from Fucking Penn State going to grad school @ pitt. Nice, but strange @ times. Guys are weird, when they want to get in a girls drawers. One guy did that freaky norweigan shit, rapidly slapping a girl on the thigh a few times in quick succession. yeah... that is a bit creepy, especially when she is sitting down, you are standing up, and she is surrounded by her girls... you should probably not do that and put all this pressure on her, even if she is digging you. take that shit outside....

same as before. some dude asked me to move so he could sit next to some darkhaired blue collar looking girl. then he goes.. blah blah.. i'm this, i'm that.. my dad has website .. he sells bottlecaps, i produce films.. blah blah... men are so fucking boring. then, he gets all jealous in shit. girl had some issues.. she kept looking around the place alot. initially, i thought it was because she wanted the dude to take the hint and take a hike.. he, like a dumbass, actually says "Ummm.... Do you want me to leave? I see you looking all around." So... what the fuck do you want dude? If you get that vibe, bounce and leave her alone. Why stand around there all day and ask for her to stop looking around. you know fuck all about her, spent the past 20 min. running down your dating resume, whatever. that is why you don't be getting no pussy, don't know how to SHUT THE FUCK UP for five minutes and find out what she is about. so bloody desperate..

so, then, on monday night. walked up to squirrel hill coffeeshop. in their typing my last blog entry. had convo with barista. politicians are fucked up, how they see the world, we are sheep. voting does not change too too much, and all the drama is just drama to make ppl think they live a democracy when we are living in a "monarchy by purported consent." etc. go back to my table. asian girl, looking strangely like my ex comes in, took table near my own. i go to sit down, she was opening her books up and stuff, we meet eyes, she packs up her stuff immediately and goes to the far side of the coffeeshop. mmmmkay. i was just looking at her not looking at her. that kind of fucked me up a bit. it would be one thing, if she set up... then pretended she wanted a different table... and moved there.. even integrating the getting of coffee with that. no, she was like a soldier. i just laughed b/c i did not know how to take it.

i was into the blog typing, but since i have peripheral vision, she kept seeming to look over at me while she was waiting in line to order her drink after she moved. i don't know if that implies some sort of guilt or she just wanted to gauge my reaction, or whatever.

i'm not screaming bloody murder or racism in her regard. one time i was up at quiet storm cafe, asian girl studying, ghetto dudes come in, start talking, hugs her without her permission, she shoves him off, etc. if she felt like i might be distracting her from her work or be that kind of guy to be gawking at her, she had better make the move. it is just... fucked up.. when it happens. i'd like to think better of it, and that maybe getting the drink, she was seeing if the move did something to me. if she was totally bigoted, i figured she would not even want to lay eyes on me. i dunno. since she saw me talking to barista coming in, i would think she would believe i was "ok." ++ seeing me with the 17 inch apple powerbook should ensure you I got smarts n' stuff. dunno. it could be since she favored my ex... that kind of would play with my mind as well. if i see her again, i wil be neutral and smiley...

all in all, all the drama of my goings-out and throw in the velvet underground token i became... i feel funny. I liked SF, because I felt i could disappear and no one seemed to make my presence a big deal. a curiousity, maybe, but not a whispering "wtf..." i am tired of being someplace where everyone seems so afraid of me. i don't know if i am what i am because i'm weirdly goodly innate in that way or because i have found myself crafting the "i" out of all the things that refract off me. when ppl say or do things to you, they affect your identity. so i wonder if i feel an outsider b/c i naturally am inward seeking.. or because, given my unconventional interests and predilections, i have let them subconsciously "make" me. I don't want to split the difference and think there is something in between. that would be too easy, and contemplating this is not driving. little things make a difference..

at work, i happened upon this woman. totally hot. totally married. beautiful and smart and talented and totally oblivious to what i may think of her. or may be not. women probably know more than men do, so unless specified otherwise, probably reasonably assume that any guy who talks to them longer than normal probably harbors the occasional thought of fucking them. so, i'm probably already "outed." as always, down the same sad road to heartbreak. mormon girl txted me.. asking if i got her email. she says she wants to see me again. i don't say no to women, so i will probably say yeah, even though we may not have compatibility. i won't say "let's be friends" to anyone ever, so i'll probably be fishing around, hanging out with her, till my mind and hormones get the better of me, or until she issues ultimatums to me. i don't mind that, but it always becomes adrenalin soaked and teeth grinding. i wonder if married girl thinks i smell good. i wonder if mormon can be good in the sack and is a closeted nymph. i wonder in a perfect world if the woman who moved to a different table will stop me one day and apologize and say she is in med school, and i could scope her left hand for rings and find the skin bare. i wonder when my next monthly weeping session will occur. hopefully soon...

is back.. i saw her do the last show at the beehive years ago. Off the Hizzy.

been a real fucked up set of weeks. i've got opinions i cannot share, but would make great book material years down the road. i had tried to check out the dojo @ work. it was wack. two big sweaty older guys and one young 18 year old in a fresh, oversized "gi." I removed my shoes, bowed on entering the training area, and asked to speak to the instructor... that was after like a long minute or two where those guys were too busy dragging mats out to prepare for class. no etiquette. Told me the instructor would be arriving soon.

If anything, you can be a suck ass martial artist, but at minimum, etiquette is vital. Introduce yourself, bowing, it shows an amount of consideration to detail, consideration of your training partners, and consideration for the tradition of the art you are practicing. I cannot imagine what an elder in the art would think of these guys finding more time to drag mats out and arrange them on the floor than they are to speak to a prospective training partner. disgusting. and while i'm not billy bad ass in the art, it speaks very poorly of the teacher if this is indicative of the students he has under his wing.senseis are ultimately responsible for everything that happens in a dojo, mentality and approach aside. so, all my weeks of waiting were a waste. i looked forward to training again, but throw that on the rocks.


so, time to find a new art. kendo? kyudo? aikijutsu? hmmm judo? Not sure how much my body can take, but still. i liked the way the training settled my mind, even in amongst the malestrom that was my world, in and out of the dojo

==

job is one set of challenges after another. i like it. though higher stress and more money == getting fat. well fat for me is being 160, with no clear explanation where the fat is. It should be mostly around my belly. when i chink of fat, i think of 5 pound sugar bags. my normal weight is 147. so, about 3 bags of sugars split open and spread around my body in strange areas and proportions. fucking disgrace. other ppl tell me that 160 is ok for my frame. i know, but i feel i could do better with it. start yoga, find a martial art, be more active, less excuses, whole nine.


my mind is drifting. i've become amorous in fits and starts. given my mostly vegetarian status, i'm more sensitive in my moods and to scents. hanging out in bars, talking to women, might explain alot. could also be what men do when things are fucked in their lives. always trying to bury their problems in the reptilian brain. i like being reptilian.


when i think about it, i've spent the majority of my life sitting at a desk in one form or another. other primates are out, eating, fucking, picking fake termites out of their friends hair. it is like we spend our world imagining what productive and thoughtful creatures men are. i have a feeling maybe my mind has burned enough energy being intellectual and that i am now flipping my cancerian nature for more dionysian pursuits, wine, women, song, dance. i thought i was getting stupid, going through a phase, and that eventually things would return to "normalcy" in time or with a couple of "wins" in my world. new job, motorcycle, dates, etc. ..No, i think maybe i am finished with the intellectual world, but not finished with intellectualism. i wanted to be "the best." i was so jealous, so hungry. am i less hungry? no. just hungry for more things. i watch the elderly strutting around, withered, fat, dreadful. i don't want to be that person, though i have little choice in the matter. i want to live in the now, and commit to the now.


i want my mind aflame. kind of like when you visit a new city and everything is fresh, unknown. you go for whatever it is, since you got no choice. jump on the bus, call that person, protect your place in line. go go go.... because no one is going to do nothing for you. you have a bite to you. in pgh, you get smaller... and it cannot be helped. i realized that unless i find someone of like mind and body, i will have to make modifications in my interactions, often unseemly, if you want to talk to anybody. talk about the stillers, reduce convo topics, avoid the big words......mmmmmm... nah... think i won't do that. i cannot take the easy out.... but given that, i'll find that maintaining my standards will mean the circles i drift in are distinct...

for example, hit the warhol last night. another "date night." i am officially the only black person who listens to "Velvet Underground" cover bands. No, the only black person. Weird though, i did not think anything of it. Yeah, stares, etc. etc. whatever. i think it was good for me. no matter what i do, i'm always an outsider, so i say fuck it. embrace it, do whatever is in your mind. i think alot of ppl might not have gone since they would literally say to themselves. "gee, i don't belong here." as if you owed anything to anybody else. you paid your money, just go on in. dunno. i think i may be fucking with ppl's brains and expectations, all unwittingly. nothing wrong with belonging in any place but where you are.


even when it came to a "black" crowd. went to global beats in shadow lounge. my body language, seemed to work, girl came up started talking to me. congolese girl. told her i liked soukous. she lost her breath in shock. told her i think nigerians have that post-colonia revenge fetish that makes them say they know everythnig........woman initiating convo...that is the *best* thing, when a woman initiates, so much easier. it takes balls, you got me right there. then.. her 250 pound, 6'5" boyfriend walks over to us and hovers. He's chromed out. Belt buckles, chains, wristbands, rings, glitter, diamonds. think he had a belt buckle with a shining skull and shit. maybe his name was Babatunde Crystal Olembe or something. peacocking to the MAXXX! he didn't say much, i think he just grunted, put a hand on his hat to adjust, and grabbed his south african stolen diamond belt. weird body language, as if he was both trying to intimidate me a but also just stand there...... so everyone knows.... that this is his woman. primordially lame. then again, i'll give him BOTD, since it is likely how thing works. it may simply be patterns of interaction i don't understand culturally... to the point, it may be expected, by the girl, that he stands there. mmmmmm



the girl introduced us. he did say nothing i could hear over the music. girl seemed cool. introduced me, told me about the global beats night. i was not sweating it. she got up to talk with him a little afterwards.... meh. guess he went to take her outside and cuss her out, blah blah. next night i came, she did not speak to me as before, though i did say high later on in teh evening. bf of hers was up on stage, helping dj.. and glaring out over the bar to check on his woman.


weird though. african music, actual africans, very bad dancing. or little dancing at all. alot of standing around. posing. look at me, look at what i got. i got on the floor later, showed them how its done. got a bit of attention. still. i guess it is very territorial vibe out there. it was my fave music though, they had jb mpiana blowing out on the wall above the bartender.





it should have been an amazing night, especially for music i don't hear *ever* in this city outside my apartment. but it turned into "meh." kind of disappointed in the girl. not that i was super super interested, but if you got to play around and be less of yourself because your rhinoceroses boyfriend gets jealous and wants to stake his claim, then you are stupid and small. but, dating anyone regularly usually involves a certain amount of being sprayed in male/female funk and having those weird mind games being played upon you... (if you are conventional)... probably told her about he didn't appreciate her disrespecting him, how he was disappointed in her, and did she really care about him. if you make it an identity crisis for a woman, you can keep her around apparently. how long will it last? as long as she wants it to. meh.

==

speaking of my love life. actually kind of had a date last weekend. met a pitt prof on the website whose name will not be spoken of openly. i was eating dinner, she dropped in for coffee after i ate. friendly, but not really matching my energies. another woman from the website whose name will not be spoken of openly. gives birth to babies @ local hospital. she cannot wrap around her head the idea that pittsburghers can be bigoted but will *always* cheer for the Stillers. I told her it is just weird like that here. She tried to draw parallels to her hometown. All the staff members are black, but all the managers are white.. she was saying that prejudiced ppl were ok with Stiller cheering so long as it was a black man "working" for them. I disagreed. i said ppl here bleed black and gold. It is serious business, and usually athletes get respect and acceptance, since they are perceived as having "earned their place." she just didn't get it. that, talking to me on speakerphone + backing out on a sunday dinner date...meh.. thought she was a contender for the butter love I be giving. she is not worthy.

Up in coffee house watching the new guy get cussed out by the owners. mwhahahah.. do not burn the skim milk and listen to what the boss says. easy rules, yeah yeah, you are from NYC, just STFU for five minutes. he is young, so give him a pass. Working for people is hard to do.

==

160 pounds.. where the hell is all this? My legs? More tea, flush the weight out quickly. WTF! I keep doing the special k pinch an inch. that is probably bullshite. think i will grab a bite and turn in early.. once i figure out how to get out of Sq. Hill via bus. funny.. i do ghetto stuff in the coffeehouse. hide my laptop, so no passerby crackfiends walk past and see the Apple icon blaziing through the window with not a soul nearby sitting near it. yes, it can happen to you! But will not happen to the Don Dadda... never never never.


==
Power outages suck. had to move around at work to all kinds of random places to find a place to work. went to one room with ppl.. looked like the Star Chamber, all scary, full of furrow-browed ppl. realize, i really do like having an office to myself. alot. i should do something different in the coming years. tons of money, and being left to my own devices... or marry rich, kerry/mcain style. like them old, with botox to spare.

met a cool guy. says he wants to read pound. i warned him, rather unconvincingly. he does art exhibits where it allows the spectator to see freaky after-images. whatever you want. one person saw skulls, another birds. what would i see out of that, i wonder... time to go home and play rock band. i like david bowie... i can't sing for shit. but i like "We can Be Heroes" alot. .....

back from harris... inebriated. ran into submarine and friends. heard good stories, irritated ppl, wondered about the world.


wrote 4 pages in the novel. i'm getting towards a plain spoken and rather bitter end, as it is for all and many other things. everything is spinning, spinning. i wrote down what i was a afraid of for so many years. it will come to that at the end. there is a choice, a life defined by principle or a life defined by fear.


saw the psychologist. think she is preggers, by the look of her dress. not sure if it is the math professor she used me to make jealous or not. kind of hoping it was, so the glorious betrayal would have some tangible fruit. she was trying to do that.. " i don't see you stuff." screw that, i waved in the moment, and she had to wave back, because of her herself. it was big of her, no matter what happened before. but i breathed a sigh of relief. the desperation that consumes people now seems infectious, like i could grab it from the air like a spider's web, or a bit of that thick cigarette smoke on a fall night. it is all around. pple wanteing to know they can be hungry and vulnerable. as furious as i was, i won't fault anyone for trying to break out of the bubble they are wrapped up in from birth. still, i did that enough not to lose my sensiitivity, to know where the "other" is, even if i am not that person. everyone hase their lines, and drawing them is needed and necessary.

i was thinking of the penutb butter narcissist girl who crushed on me some years ago. she's married and never bothered to tell me. too ashamed, she used to like me and i made fun of her for it. yeah, she is an ass, a dick, etc., but i should not have been so jovial in hurting her feelings because of who she was. we are all animals. the elections rely on this. i watched john mccain speak tonight. i got ill, no talk of iraq, trying to imply that dems were at the trough like repubs, ridiculous, offshore oil drilling, environmentalists. msnbc, sure to get a shot of all 3 black ppl at the convention, so you think it was "diverse." utter bullshit. same for obama's speech. we are watching a king made alive.... nothing happens by accident and politics, and given what i know, it could all be the elaborate mind-fuck by a cabal of a secret brotherhood.. to actually make you think super duper "change" is happening.


the election is a chance to absolve us of guilt. no. you get no pass fro me. you vote either way, no matter. you will eventually end up dead up with no real idea of what happens next, though you would imagine you have a cosmic nature and a cosmic understanding of the world now and the world to come. children, what utter products of vanity. elections.. you actually think they will change things? if we are the emotionally fickle sheep i know we are, mccain will win and we will be vindicated.. why? we will feel he is our penance. if obama wins, he will be our redemption, messianic, et. al.


i had thought of a house and a motorcycle, now, i don't know. i want more adventure, save cash, go on a round the world trip. leave everything behind, like i did weeks ago. no care for money or life. just in the moment, waiting for the next thing to occur. there was nothing more i wanted. i have a few friends here i may miss, but i forget all about them. fresh, fresh, fresh...


hung out with the submarine.... her gay protective friend is quite cool... and too jaded to be 22. wtf.. i thought i was bad. all the failures are "learning experiences".. i'd rather be actually living than learning.. it gets old. "learning" a salve...

drunk.. yeungling. and 'grandma' == grand mariner.. i like how that shit tastes...
wonder if i have left my intellectual youth to a feeling future.. i've never been so stupid as of lately... and not really minding that at all. i should change careers soon.... i want to brainstorm over the weekend, if i can sleep. ......

i keep ending up with a divorced intimacy from ppl, even those i would call "friend." i cannot help it, even though my bull in the china shop worldview.. lends itself to that. what am i to think when their words are pinging around in my mind...listening is not equal to "do what i say, not as i do"... and communication does not solve everything... but laying down a framework explicitly.. might have saved me a lot of trouble... for a lot of years. ....


you get to a point.. where you know your boundaries, an d you respect them, since ppl will run all over you if you don't... but if you are so huddled in a ball.. what then. I missed my SF adventuruer.. nothing to lose, and all to gain.... talk talk, talk, and let the chips fall.. here .. it is the starvation arena..., so i fall down.. and i feel numb... work smells like curl activator.. and moisturizer... it remins me of the past. bitter.. i can smell it in the window now.. th ecold is coming.. none too soon. drunk. huge pimple on my temple. fuck.


over in shadyside.. writing longhand.. i keep forgetting that i a back.. and ppl are afraid of me.. i put things in my notes... i write the novel.. then put notes on the side margins.. anything i think.. novel related or not... funnyf as shit... i wonder how i appear to them all... are we all free or just pretending...

to be.....

OK.. ppl thought I was joking before, but I am dead serious. FUCK OBAMA AS AN IDEAL? Why? First, i have been down and out all day. Figured, take a trip, do what americans do when their lives are miserable and meaningless. Shop. Went to Shadyside crepes place. People keep staring at me. Not the regular "Oh, there is a black guy, looks friendly, unclutch the purse." I'm getting the 3-5 second "OMG, it is an Ostrich, I think, walking down the street" stare. ENOUGH People thought I was joking about this. I understand it nominally. People getting acquainted with a black guy as president, scrutinize black guys more closely. Like, assuming you are black, if your mom said a white guy might be a boarder next week. You have no idea what the border is like, but you check out the white folk you see more closely.


Two of the open secrets I've been hearing lately 1) Black men will start acting more and more "uppity" and entitled. Meh. May be true, but most black men think they know every damn thing as it is already. 2) If you are black and your manager is white, expect to get taxed since a black man may run the country, but I run this office you darkie motherfucker. I can expect reasonable bits of both, since stupidity is not tied to race, as I have fast learned and appreciated.


The city is racially charged, it is hot too. Today was bad. Everyone driving like a dickhead. went to squirrel hill. those idiots you see hanging around catty corner to the rite aid are with Job Corps. Loud, ignorant, running through traffic, cussing. Sunlight make ppl dickish in general. read a paper. Really tired all day. Think i'm fighting off sickness. maybe I have allergies, so time to start chugging down my claritin generic pills.

Bought two video games, ate dinner at Sakura. It was ok, but I order stuff i may not have liked. Should have gotten udon or tempura. the sushi was OK, but I order bland stuff. The unagi was good, the shrimp and yellowtail. meh. think i have some strange issues. Tip of my tongue is metallic tasting, like when i was fasting. figure i must be fighting off an illness or something.


New job is hell this week. no idea what i am doing or who to talk to. Still have not lost confidence, but i hate not being as capable as I could be. sad to say, I just don't have the time to be as omnipotent as i used. everything there is like "La Cosa Nostra." That literally translates into "The thing that is ours" or "Our thing." Meh.


Think i should be less timid and do what i want. Teach english in japan, buy a motorcycle,scooter, and bike, become a bellydancer. one place in sq. hill was having a going out of business sale. I bought one of those tinkly hip scarves and finger bells. FUCK THE NEIGHBORS.


Woke up realizing i have to more carefully cultivate my social circles. I want a woman too... not "THE ONE." Just really need some companionship. All that take about phermones is true. That is why men get all stupid and happy when they get a GF. Spraying that "woman-funk" all over her. Makes a man happy and content, but he loses his edge. You need a bit of aggression to get anything done. That is why football players stop doing their girls the week before a game. "Cock Diesel.".... just mad.


Been mad all week. Funny shit. Password hungry hungarian mother fucker, from my old job, almost got his ass kicked by two black women. bus was rolling down, driver had issues with the machine taking money, he's smacking at it and banging on it. Two black women in the white line area waiting to hear it is ok to walk past, since they can't put money in. PHHMF, comes running in behind them like a bull in a china shop, probably not realizing that the cannot go past. he's all caffinated too, so he has little restraint. Don't know what was said in front of bus. two women sit in the back. PHHMF comes in bus behind them, dropping his head, standing in the middle aisle. I thought at first it was because he could not face me. Then the two women, ghetto as hell, just start talking. "Fuck the driver, he's a dick, stop banging on the machine, he making us late for work. fuck that dude with glasses. he thinks having glasses means i won't steal his ass. he'll get fucked up."


I'm in the back dying of schadenfreude. I've never felt such palpable tension all over the place. it is maddening. it my not help with my advancing age, i have designs on doing as much as i can before i become more dependent on others, necessarily. it make me wonder. it makes me think of the hours. i think my head has been messed up not hearing anything on. no music, no tv, no radio, no internet. nada.. it may, as a positive consequence for me to go out and actually talk to people .

After japanese food tonight. went and saw "Joy Ike". Best name ever, her sis name is "Peace Ike." Moms had a motif apparently. Check her out here :

http://www.myspace.com/joyike

Her and two other singer/songwriter. They rock, never knew i could like that folky sound shit. but, live crowd in arefa's. it is cool. The couple that own the place works hard as shit. I really hope they make it. i remember how it is like gambling. if i stayed home like a loser, nothing happens, being out on the street, you make your chances. i heard good music, started my late night off ok. came home, went to shadow, "global beats" night. Tons of brazilians. Not my music. Same non-male serving bartender. meh. i don't even get upset anymore, it is just how he is. Saw this girl, she was clocking me. Too damned old and ugly. Talked to her friend. Watching fucked up movie called "Sex and Lucia." Good flick, just fucked up. Asked the girl if she had a bald spot. she was all dance-sweaty, and i figured she had to have a reason to have the hat on. she was cool. old. had a 10 year old son. works downtown at the court office, Family division. Fucked up shit happens when she dated. Dude got mad she was not interested, slashed all four of her tires.....mmm yeah.. now she will know how much you care . If you are risking jail, then she is not the one fucktard.. chatted, went home. saw nothing there i wanted to do, no dancing, just wanted the energy...


Eyes getting blurry now. must take allergy pill or something. it might explain a few things. found out at job, the agent they use to clean whiteboards, too strong for me. i thought i was dizzy and passing out in meetings because i was an asshole, but turns out it is environmental. TA-DOW! anyhooo.. passing out soon....


PS. Non-Black people please stop staring at me

Let me announce officially that the COLOMBIAN NUT HUGGERS did not pass muster. They were ok sitting in the cube, but when I actually started to walk campus, they began riding up my legs, when I finally took them off in the house, I had dirt mark streaks where the hit the edges of my thighs. Meh. Back to boxers. aaaaaa... room to breathe. If I worried so much about erections w/o having a gf, imagine the drama if I did have one. stabbing her allll night long.

I figured out my problems. 1) not enough water. Drink alot of water, since you are dehydrated after getting up. good for concentration and for arthritis relief. it may be, literally being bloated is good for ya. 2) not enough vitamins. I forgot to take my One A Day, so maybe i compensate for that and a lack of exercise with tons and tons of stress-reliving food....

==

back on the prowl. see a hostess I like she's from another country. I know a few words in her language. Got to scheme. Best thing, probably to ask for an actual table, and pretend I'm waiting for someone. That way, A) a reason to lurk @ the front, B) curiousity as to whom exactly I'm waiting on. No, I'm not Sun Tzu, and shit, but I have no choice but to scheme. Girls get all shook with direct approaches, so I have to resurrect my Pitt experiences and find excuses to talk to women.

aaaa women, so pillow soft. even the sweat smells nice. salty. I get Pumice flashbacks. meh. I emailed like 3 girls on match. If one of them is not a loser, they may actually write me back. If not, oh well... i don't expect much out of the city. Nada to lose...

Took trips around work exercise facilities. Swimming pools, running bikes, spa, steamroom, weight room (with roid raging idiots)... All too familiar. But pleasant. I know a strong woman or two. Wished they would lay hands on me. Like the girl, with the burning hand. Drunk at a party, depressed, she helped me up, asked me if I was OK. Even drunk, this is as close as you will *ever* be to her, wit the purest amount of concern. You are too drunk to have the clarity of that insipid desire. Like if you are drunk, and you just want to go to bed. Or you are drunk and you just want to tell someone how much you appreciate them; they know you are all idiotic and shit but it is as honest as it gets. The filters are reduced. Like getting drunk, laying out in the street, scream at the moon, fuck the oncoming cars, run my black ass over NOW!. That hand, burned a hole in my chest.

I am abusive of her and myself in those ways. I had hidden away in a room, trying not to be found. No, please find me. Leave me alone, ask me if I am all right. I'm so fucking coy, I become a myth in my own mind as well as that of the women I desired. I keep saying how little they know of me and how "honest" I am in my hunger. maybe they do "know" what that is. Yeah, we think differently, but I wonder if at the intersection of the talk and the touching, we do have the ability to find a common ground. It is like the Lion.. if it spoke english. Our frames of reference too different to even comprehend each other. Talk is overrated . sex is not. or so i'd like to think. At times, I wonder how you women feel what it is to you. A burdensome, but occasionally pleasant thing, or something else. I wonder if the violence and the threatening nature of men make it easier to cast it in more analog terms. For men, it is good or it is bad. That may not be indicative of the full depth of experience. Yeah, I am the shit, so my empathic nature would make it it easier for me to find more pebbles in amongst the river, but still.

i wonder if anything matters anymore. i came back to pittsburgh and watched my heart and mind shrink. shrink shrink. but when I look at the moon and think of the age of stars, when I wonder at how easily bloodlines can be snuffed out irreparably, the mountains, when i think in a cosmic sense, i really don't worry much about anything anymore, even my hungers...... anything becomes a world all into itself, reflecting amongst its somber and luminous moods... everything becomes an environment for me to learn from. i should have been someone else thousands of years ago. Now, I become a 30 something, girl-crazy, verbose, blogging, teeth gnashing, and hoping for a spiritual world because the existence of such a world may be the only thing to give me any solace, to think that whatever pangs my heart is such earnest and recurrent forms would be able to resonate beyond these walls and surmount my frivolous mind..... that at some level, people would know my true self and that would salvage me in their inner lives if only in small parcels. It may not even matter, I could make it all up, like anyone else.

I IRRITATE PEOPLE. like dudes who play their music too loud or who talk to you on the street w/o you asking. It is all control. Anything you read hear or see, an attempt to control your mind and influence your thoughts. Even these drunken words, are my attempt to carve a curse onto your synaptic foil. tell me to go to hell next time you see me in person.. time to brush teeth, go to bed, jack off, and floss....

i've donefuck all over the weekend. i've got wrist problems, pinched a nerve in my shoulder fucking with grand theft auto. ran into submarine @ harris. she gave me her number again. hung out with her today, realized that what she said to me was right: i am too good for her. same shit, just delayed by a few years.


job stress, meh. not bad, i'm managing it well, but tomorrow may be pure muderation. done no yoga, gaining weight. knees hurt wrist hurt. fuck. praying I have some alcohol in the fridge. drawing an epsom salt bath, burning some incense. 20 min. in the heat, then under my ceiling fan should relax. me.

went out to get new boxers and to retry boxer briefs. was smart. buy one pair, test tomorrow, bring along an emergency pair of boxers just in case. from the store, tried them on.. felt good. washed, will see if they shrunk up too bad. scared. I've called boxer briefs COLOMBIAN NUT HUGGERS. pincy, constrictive, hot. Still, i hear that they will help you keep your erection better, since the dick is pointing up all day. (no, seriously.) Not that i have been using my dick any time soon.

Even if job is great, if I can't get any pussy in Pittsburgh, I really have to leave. Seriously. I'm just quite irritated by all of this. Throw that in, plus job stress. it may explain my eating habits as well. No exercise, i probably eat to take my stress down, since you get that eating rush. Disgusting. i'm going to see about yoga classes @ work tomorrow, and will perpetually block out that time as "unavailable" on my calender in perpetuity. maybe i'll meet some folk there. that may be cool.


really fucked up . last week, went to a bar, got hit on by gay professor that i know has hiv. he bought me two tequila shots, told me that yes, black men really are bigger... and that he knows this since he's fucked around 600 men total, even said he sucked our bartender's dick too. Said not necessarily length, but girth. said he sucked straight guys too, they come back for 2nds, since he does it better than their girlfriends. I know that is true. Women are not committed to cocksucking, so they do that ice cream cone shit, with is pretty pathetic.

This professor says he's all up in that. Says he trained his throat to suspend gag reflex, he takes in the dick and the balls, even does two dicks at a time. Imagine hearing this if you are straight and drunk. He got a little touchy feely. I'm not about to hit him or anything, but i was a little icky. After he touched my hands, they started itching a bit. I thought it was my mind fucking with me, so run to the bathroom to wash the AIDS off my hands. Thought I was being weird, then realized that this cat does coke too.. so it probably was watever he was into earlier in the night. came back from bathroom, he was sweating a ton. talked about how his mother made hominy grits, though she was scandinavian, how he wanted to be my friend and invite me to his house for indian food cooked by him. said his best friend taught him. asked who that was, said it was a woman who played him out once she got her arranged marriage. figured as much.


Weird thing, submarine's ex-bf was know for doing freaky shit for coke, so in aweird 3 degree separation thing, i used to like submarine, who date ex-bf loser, who fooled around with professor for cocaine. what a waste.


professor said I was good for a straight guy, not getting all emotional with his rambling. I figured, eh, he's hitting on me, I know he must be totally fucked. His friend came by and got him, took him home... or tried to. Friend came back and said he almost dropped professor into a ditch till one of the wait staff gave them a ride home. time to go. buzzkill.

Other shit has happened to me as well. met a girl on match. she's a loser. told i'm straightforward, gave her my number, she asked me "why are you on match?" well duh, same reason you are. if my profile didn't answer the question, what gives? she's 34, so her bio-clock is ticking.. blah blah, she's on a schedule and timid. No time for that bullshit. Erotica is one of her turn-offs, so i guess another woman, if i sold my self short to mess with, that i may have to engage in bi-monthly sex with. How utterly boring. Probe and probe and test, and ask. Does anybody have any guts anymore? Meh.

Going to tub now, will return later this week with more griping etc. Cannot wait to see how well the COLOMBIAN NUT HUGGERS work out tomorrow. I'm a boxer man.. or i am a man who wears nothing at all, Mel-Gibson Style......

well.. new job.. damned good.. so far. i realize, i can leave my baggage at the door. no, no work place is perfect, but the new job, seems as good as it gets. only stress may seem to come from work, little else. i actually wrote in my novel last night. i guess the job has done teh work of making my brain useful again. i get up at 730am normally, not at like 830.. then a rush to get in by 9. I actually give a fuck and i am hungry. thing i feel sad about , is not being able to contribute immediately, but it is not a bank or the one-man army show like i've had in teh past. ppl actually will help you and not expect you to know diddly... and that is cool.

it is funny though, i did not realize how much my work must be stabilised in order for my private creative life not to suffer. it has been months since i've written in my novel, boom, picked it up and started on it. it could also be related to my SF trip. I told my friend out there about my little "key" beating episode. so just sharing may have done a number on my head. it could also be the lack of dread. even at my previous incarnation at pitt. i had good work/life balance. yoga in the cubicle, flexblie work hours, lunch, ability to look into stuff, research, freedom, etc, i had the brain cycles left over to do my other things. now, i guess the initial stimulus is good for me.

still, not perfect. i'm working with grand geniuses, eccentricities and all. then again, i have been walking around oakland, periodically raising my hands up and down. i'm thinking of going to the "local education facilities" dojo to train again. so I was running through attacks and defenses in my mind... on the street like a weirdo... like how talk out the side of your head... i have to watch my mouth... women.. with "ridiculous breasts" walk past me.. and I have to consciously remember not to say that out loud.

it has been a perfect summer... none too hot. my cieling fan is enough. the id in me, wish i was able to bury myself in a woman.. it is the night for primal things like that. went to my coffeehouse, got a big cup of tea. tea was drank, but cup was so large, the warmth permeated the broad surface. i put it against my face, like a lunatic, and enjoyed how it felt... did it on the other cheek, just to check. realized, this was why me and the ex would never work out. she thought things would be fine... with roles and ownership of me... tacit ownership... while i am more dionysian. a woman can get anything out of a man with some groping, grabbing, hugging. it was the warmth i missed, not her in particular. it is weird to admitting to melancholy over a sensation, but it is the truth. that tea cup was the key, the thing she missed.

it is much easier to intellectualize about your compatibility and all that stuff, when you don't touch each other. probably why all these "bad" couples stay together, since that sort of primal chemical connection is not seen or immediately apparent. what a loser you would have to be not to know this, and I have seen a few. i'd like a woman to lay hands on me evangelically... she could be the worst person in the world, but i'd forgive it all.

i'm wrapped up in my mind. reading books for work, hungry again. hungry hungry again. but nothing to lose. stay at the job, great experience... get fired.. will have (prospectively) large checks to live on.. and reassess my life... SF made me hunger for simple "time." time to do all the things i've wanted to do.. even if that is nothing.. or riding a scooter.. or dreaming about teh people i encounter on a bus. i woke up this morning disturbed.. i saw my first long gray hair.. on my right arm.. atop my wrist. i thought it was a trick of the morning light. no.. gray ass hair. so i guess my stress is in my elbows... that sucks balls. will try to photo it tomorrow.. hard to see.. so slight. ... flash obscures it.

a lower stress job should be in my future. one dude at new job said he knew somebody tired of IT... went to SF to ride a cab.. sounds cool.. but might suck, since i like night life.. not necesarilly picking up people after they had their fun. dancer? knees and age... martial artist.. black belt and grasp of japanese would be nice...writer.. if i ever finish a project or get a proposal letter together.. or other stuff...sex worker... don't know how much of a life that would be, if sex was a chore....yoga teacher.. that might work out best.. like i had planned years ago. so hungry.. hungry.. but i may finally have the resources at my disposal.. and that will totally kick ass.. help my friends, be able to actually travel to visit my friends... save money for emergencies... buy a scooter and motorcycle... study bellydancing... or just do west african.. till my knees blow out totally.......i can be american playboy babay.... dunno dunno...