Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 42
Sign: Pisces
Country: GS
Signup Date: 12/6/2006
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07 Nov 09 Saturday 9:17 PM
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Moving clockwise,
If house or room is properly angled at the upright position (with the ceiling at the 12 o'clock position when the little hand is pointing to the 12 and the floor at the six o'clock position when the little hand is pointing to the six), then
0 or 360 degrees  from 12 o'clock = 12:00
350 degrees from 12 o'clock = 11:40
345 degrees from 12 o'clock = 11:23
330 degrees from 12 o'clock = 11:00
300 degrees from 12 o'clock = 10:00
270 degrees from 12 o'clock = 9:00
245 degrees from 12 o'clock = 8:10
Going clockwise, if house or room is tipped over side-ways by 90 degrees to the right (the 3 o'clock pm position), then:
0 or 360 degrees from 3 o'clock = 3:00
350 degrees from 3 o'clock = 2:40
345 degrees from 3 o'clock = 2:23
330 degrees from 3 o'clock = 2:00
300 degrees from 3 o'clock = 1:00
270 degrees from 3 o'clock = 12:00
245 degrees from 3 o'clock = 11:10
Essentially, everything is 3 hours later when that happens.
When spread out over a 360 degree circle, each hour is separated by 30 degrees. Therefore,
60 minutes = 30 degrees; 40 minutes = 20 degrees; 20 minutes = 10 degrees; 10 minutes = 5 degrees; 5 minutes = 2.5 degrees; 1 minute = 0.5 degrees;
360 degrees = 1 hour. Therefore,
12 o'clock = 0 degrees 1 o'clock = 30 degrees 2 o'clock = 60 degrees 3 o'clock = 90 degrees 4 o'clock = 120 degrees 5 o'clock = 150 degrees 6 o'clock = 180 degrees 7 o'clock = 210 degrees 8 o'clock = 240 degrees 9 o'clock = 270 degrees 10 o'clock = 300 degrees 11 o'clock = 330 degrees 12 o'clock = 360 degrees.
The room has been rotated inadvertently to the right by 90 degrees such that the three o'clock position is now pointing to the ceiling rather than the 12 o'clock position; resulting in the floor being mistaken for the left wall and the right wall being mistaken for the floor. This is not an entirely far-fetched situation to find oneself in given that my walls (which are actually supposed to be transparent in colour since every wall in that room (with the exception of the right-facing wall) is occupied by windows all around and nothing but windows, thereby offering a spectacular panoramic view of the natural world outside fron an essentially glass or transparent house whenever the exterior world is not entirely closed off by those dirty green drapes as they were then, when I lived there, and as they continue to be now, now that the house is closed off.
Gebser writes that the architectural style of the newest mutation of consciousness differs from that of previous structures in that there is no longer a clear demarcation between "interior" and "exterior" space. The most striking characteristics found in 20th and 21st century architecture are open floor plans and "walls" whose use is no longer intended to serve to compartmentalize, divide, enclose, or conceal space but rather, to "open up" space instead by the use of very large windows and glass ceilings that open out to the world and merge with the exterior space surrounding the home or structure. Very often, such windows are left open and unadorned and without window treatments or blinds so as to permit the natural world (or cityscape) become a part of the interior decor. All of these trends in 20th and 21st century architecture reflect an ever-growing impulse or urgency of consciousness to break free from the confines of spatial limitations via dissolving or freedom of movement, and to become transparent and diaphanous to the world around us in every manner, form, or ..There are limitations to this tranparency, of course: we cannot, for instance, strip down naked and run around the neighborhood or city streets in space-time-freedom for the sake of becoming naked or transparent to the world unless we are prepared to face the consequences, such as being caught by security and then being treated like an animal, and then locked away in an asylum or rehab somewhere and coming back and being treated somewhat the same by relatives and friends of relatives).
But aside from the more noticeable themes that define the newest mutation of consciousness in architecture, there are some of use who, for whatever reason, have never truly acquired the basic life skills that are necessary to survive in the three dimensional world of space let alone, go onto to "conquer" the four-dimensional integral world of space-time-freedom.
In defining what is "integral," however, it is necessary to exclude those characteristics which define the previous structures, such as goal-orientation, defeating or conquering things or people into submission, acquiring material possessions or in winning and being "successful" or ambitious in one's career (whatever that means). By most people'standards I am not a winner in that regard. I have given up all hope in finding true love. I am tired of all this rejection. I just want to go "home."
So what is "home"? All I know is this sheltered "space" of the nocturnal underworld.
I suspect that the left-facing stairs leading "down" in my prison cell (images to be inserted) are meant to be symbolic of the matriarchal world representing darkness, the feminine, mystery, and the nocturnal. However, in my particular case, the stair-well is neither left-facing nor a stairwell leading "down" to the nocturnal cavern, womb, or tomb to the safety and shelter of mother. On the contrary, the stairwell was an optical illusion created by the Universe in order to call to attention that that which is conventionally defined as "evil"as something "down there" in the Underworld is no longer valid. "Down there" is the ancient matriarchal realm of the underworld. It is two-dimensional and mythical and virtually divested of all power and energy since the irruption of the three-dimensional, which is patriarchal, and will remain underground.
But returning to my story, as a consequence of these social and spatial impediments, I was forced to take refuge in an existence far removed from the the spatial world of space in the safety of and shelter of the nocturnal mother in the underworld. The meaning of "out of space," perhaps.
We therefore find it interesting to discover that within the tiny confines of a jail cell in my formerliving quarters was a stairwell leading down to an "underworld" although in this particular case, it was not the underworld representing the safety of the cave or womb, childhood innocence, or nocturnal mystery and femininity but rather, was a surface-space above ground architectural design representing patriarchy or some phallic thing above ground.
To return the room to its proper angle, we must no longer confuse the floor with the wall or confuse the green carpet on the floor with the green draperies closed permanently over all the windows to my former residence (which could have been avoided perhaps by opening the curtains more often to view the outside: not simply allow the green curtains to "act" or serve as a shield or "wall"). Apparently, too much enclosure from exterior space or from the natural world can turn perceptions up-side down or sideways without even knowing it...._.
To return to the room to its proper angle, however, is not as simple as it seems. What will have to be done is rotate the entire room clockwise to the 12 o'clock position. This is because although there is a feature for rotating images by 90 degrees with a left or right arrow, "left-directionality" is not a "true" direction involving mentality or thinking: only right-directionality is. But this is not to say that movement itself must be right-directional in order be valid or meaningful, since the natural periodicities may move in spirals both clockwise and counterclockwise without the aid of mentality or thinking. When consciousness is left to its own accord without the aid of mentality or thinking, it move along the periodicities or cycles found in nature (such as dreaming). However, the only way to address a problem this collosal (i.e., a room turned completely over on its side), is via mental clarity and wakefulness of mentality and thinking.
After such a huge mess (represented by the room above), mentality or thinking will have to be utilized to set it "aright" by moving not counter-clockwise, but clockwise by 270 degrees from its current position of 3 o'clock. Otherwise, the table on the right will be mistaken for a wooden entrance door, the wooden drawers to a computer desk will be mistaken for a shiny hardwood floor, and the stairway leading into the depths of a pit or a dungeon inside the prison cell will appear to be going "down" when, in fact--it is NOT going "down" as in "vertically" but rather, going off horizontally to the "far right" instead and is not a stairwell at all but rather, a vault or an arch above head facing right.
There are no hardwood floors over there (nor tiles for that matter)--just a dirty old carpet (and linoleum); and a door that is not made of natural wood tone but painted an off-white colour instead.
This was confirmed by the Universe when a scene containing three gummy bears hopping merrily (or sadly) down the stairwell to the "prison cell" (two of them to have "Gummy Bear Sex" while standing with their heads together and one of them, the "odd man out" (the yellow yummy bear--who is somehow "connected" to those two gummy bears but for some reason but have no clue who they are), to put my ear to the ground in search of clues on who the hell the other two are and what they have to do with me, how to have sex too and not simply be "walked on" or "stood on" by the other two bummy bears all the time, and how to get out of this prison cell once and for all to go home)--the scene turned unexpectedly into a fire pit all by the Itself by the Universe, with the entire floor (or rather what appeared to be the floor, but in reality, the right wall) bursting into flames just when the gummy bears were about to hit the floor or right wall after bouncing to the bottom stair.
Having noticed already by that point that the angle of the room was off by 90 degrees to the right and that the room was sideways, my intentions were to rotate the room clockwise by 300 degrees (my calculations were off at the time) in order to return the room to its proper upright position prior to the gummy bears arriving at the bottom stair and hitting the floor or wall. In the midst of all this the Universe intervened, and the moment the "floor" became the "right wall" again, the entire right wall burst into flames.
When rotated to its proper angle with the ceiling at the 12 o'clock position rather than at Eastern Standard Time of 3 o'clock, we find that nearly everything that previously existed in that room was something "else" that was created by optical illusion. If not via optical illusion--then consciously by me via creativity and imaginative thinking (the jumbled-up wires and cables on the floor, for example, were already like that to begin with but were superimposed many more times by me via cut-copy/paste in order to emphasize my deep frustration, feeling of hopelessness, and sense of confinement to an area of space in front of the computer and then getting somehow "jumbled up" into the wires themselves and forever "stuck" here.
Metallic bars made of steel were initially selected for this scene but were abandoned when I began to intuit that although the metallic bars were more "stylish" and "looked better," the black prison bars had a symbolic significance of some kind to the Universe as did the stairwell going "down"; but couldn't figure out what they "meant" until I began piecing all of this together. Suggesting that there is consciousness at w ork besides just "this one" in this participatory act of co-creation.
For example: although the metallic bars would have had greater visual impact, the black cables and wires matched the black prison bars: both of which--the cables on the floor and the prison bars--represent confinement or incarceration at my parents' home in front of a computer immediately upon my release from incarceration from an insane asylum after stripping down naked and going out into nature to free the kangaroos (j/k--the kangaroo part). The prison bars and the prison cell, in turn, is symbolic of my separation from human contact or more specifically, from true love (for I can do without the human contact (actually am annoyed by it) and don't require much; just one person; but cannot do without love for more than a period of 4 or 5 years or else I begin to wither away and die).
Hidden from the scene are Jack Nicholson and the Girl who is asleep (both of them symbolic of me). Interestingly, what led me to post this separately as a separate item was to offer a quick demonstration of something really obvious that had manifested Itself arationally for the sake of presentiation.
As mentioned above, I superimposed the jumbled-up wires and cables in order to cover up Jack Nicholson's Joker or Poker-out face with wires and cables after easily being able bury the Girl who was asleep in a fetal position in one single "stroke" or fell swoop below the hardwood floor in her coffin, tomb, or underworld underground, which was not planned that way but merely "turned out" that way that by coincidence that I was able to immediately bury the dead or asleep girl the first time around. In Jack Nicholson's case, however (in his role in the movie, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), I had a tough time because each and every time I tried to bury his face with the wires, the Universe would make them disappear behind his head leaving his face fully exposed. It took me a full 8 attempts to finally bury his face behind that huge mess of wires and cables all over the floor. One would think that given horrific mess I had created down there with all the cables and wires on the floor, that this particular task could have been easily achieved with the first attempt. I even made sure to place the cables and wires directly on top of his face each time to completely bury his face from view prior to saving the edit. And during the edit, his face was confirmed to be hidden from view completely during edit. Yet each time, upon pressing "enter" or whatever to save the edit, the cables and wires would disappear before my eyes behind his head, to the twilight zone, or simply vanish into thin air or become transparent or invisible from view. Until my 8th attempt. Then he finally disappeared. Video coming soon or I may include these scenes later on a later revision of this post.
When I initially included the Jack Nicholson and Indian Chief scene in my video, the "But you did wear cowboy boots" it was actually in reference to the Indian Chief and not to Jack Nicholson to make a contrast between the "cowboy" (me) and the "Indian" (the Indian Chief). However, after considering it for a while, I began to think that I have more in common with the Jack Nicholson character than with the Indian Chief, who unlike myself was strong enough to throw something through a prison cell window to make his escape from the asylum. This was after the Jack Nicholson character tried unsuccessfully to escape several times until the doctors and Nurse Ratchett decided to give him a lobotomy. The Indian Chief on the other hand never attempted to escape. In fact, he was the model inmate and volunteer janitor, if I recall (it's been many years since I've seen the film). However, after befriending Jack Nicholson and then witnessing his friend turn into a vegetable following the surgery, the Indian Chief could not bare to see his friend so dehumanized and institutionalized and wanted to free his spirit so that it could go "home." So he took a pillow and smothered his friend quietly to death to release his friend's spirit so that it too could go home, prior to his own escape.
I am almost at the point of Jack, I feel. I'm thinking that the cryptic message at the end of the video, which appeared by the Itself while working on a totally unrelated image on lunapic.com, and speaks forebodingly of "yellow," "murder" and "shiver," may be in reference to me for the sake of freeing my spirit or soul. Because I don't want to stay here any more. I don't want to keep on requesting true love if it isn't there; and I just want the Universe to take me now. It will not until I provide enough presentiation for the sake of concretion of the spiritual.
This life is not a life of dignity. I'd rather go home; and this isn't home. I'm thinking that my home is in Heaven. For some reason also, I've had repetetive visions of Satan or some other angelic or being of divinity flying in and crashing through the window in the kitchen when they finally come to my rescue over the past three years. I've never made the connection of that vision to the final scene of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or to Goodburger (which does a spin-off of that scene).
But to wrap this up for now, when the clock is turned three hours back and returned upright to the 12 o'clock position, the floor is once again a floor, the table is once again a table, the drawer to my computer desk is once again a drawer. And what previously appeared to be a shiny "hardwood floor" is found to be fictitious: they were computer drawers, which are made of fake compressed wood chips but not of hard wood. And the door, likewise: of compressed wood: not of hardwood; and painted off-white; and the floor is nothing but a filthy old carpet that is green; and the walls are fake green from the curtains: not the natural green from outdoors. Aside from those things, a bunch of jumbled up wires, and trash.
But I cannot go out into the world of space: I am from out-of-space. But I can't stay in the underworld forever, neither. The only thing I can do is ask for the Universe to take me. If true love existed, they would have found me and rescued me; and I am tired of trying and being constantly rejected.
 While rotating my room clockwise, I felt compelled to stop and comment on a few of the angles.
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05 Nov 09 Thursday 4:00 AM
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Current mood:  imaginative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Current time/date: November 1, 2009 10:35 PM Posted time/date: November 4, 2009 11:00 PM
The Time is no longer moving forward, but was moved back one hour from November 5, 2009 at 12AM to to November 4 2009 11PM; but is no longer moving forward nor backwards on this particular post although it is moving backwards by the hour with each update on another post.
I hope that this means that consciousness has intervened and has disrupted sequential time so that my new order will arrive at 11 PM on November 4, 2009.
I hope that the new time/date of November 4, 2009 at 11PM means something. Because if it doesn't, there is no point in the Universe changing the time/dates any more because I will no longer be able to rely on changes by the Universe, what without the proper observations of rites.
19 October 12:16 AM
The time above got stuck on the preview screen of 19 November 2009 at 12:00 PM.
Possibly, to reflect on the comments below:
7 We yearn to creep out of the primordial and embryonic darkness and into Light and into Diurnal Brightness of daylight... It is only there that we will have the clarity of mind and spirit to claim this particular birthright.*7..
I am not sure about this "birthright" business (unless "divinity" is our "birthright"). Perhaps when the time is ripe, something will strike me with an idea to make it more meaningful. Moderation is key, of course.
please see W. Henry's blog entitled "Birthright" for more information... I add the link... Please do not pay atention to my response there as it was a ruough draft and didn't realize that I cannot edit a comment to a friend's blog
 *careful not to get sunburned--carry SPF 35 sunscreen wear sunglasses if out for too long during daylight hours... PLEASE READ CAREFULLY SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS for this product listing located beneath credits/acknowledgements
We have already done the diurnal brightness of mental brilliance thing and it is time now to move on to clarity. High noon of mental brilliance burns a hole right through the fabric of the universe and utterly destroys the magical somnolence, mythical twilight of dreaming, and eventually its own diurnal brightness of day via global warming or nuclear destruction. Only in clarity is it possible to allow the somnolence of magic, the dreaming of twilight myth, and the mental brilliance of diurnal brightness of the day to be experienced, lived out, conceived, or a-wared according to their own intrinsic values without destroying or negating them.
I suppose, then--there is truth to the statement below:
Perhaps when the time is ripe, something will strike me with an idea to make it more meaningful.
19 October 12:09 AM
It was then that the fox appeared."Good morning," said the fox. "Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing. "I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree." "Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at." "I am a fox," said the fox. "Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy." "I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed." "Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added: "What does that mean-- 'tame'?" "You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?" "I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean-- 'tame'?" "Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?" "No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean-- 'tame'?" "It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties." "'To establish ties'?" "Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..." "I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."  "It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things." "Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince. The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious. "On another planet?" "Yes." "Are there hunters on this planet?" "No." "Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?" "No." "Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please-- tame me!" he said. "I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand." "One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..." "What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince. "You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."  The next day the little prince came back. "It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the morning, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock AM, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..." "What is a rite?" asked the little prince. "Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."  So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry." "It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..." "Yes, that is so," said the fox. "But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince. "Yes, that is so," said the fox. "Then it has done you no good at all!" "It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret." The little prince went away, to look again at the roses."You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose. And he went back to meet the fox."Goodbye," he said. "Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." "What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember. "It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important." "It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember. "Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..." "I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
18 October 11:28 PM
Don't mind me... This is just an experiment by clicking "enter" to post about 10 or 20 times to see how much longer the time-stamp will continue to go forward in time all by the Itself. This is exhausting going round the clock like this. This could go on and on forever.
18 October 11:23 PM
Sorry, I can not think of a good reason to update this post other than to check on the time. Everything below is still the same as before.
18 October 10:31 PM
This video is a fuller and larger version for comparison. I noticed that the sheep baa-ahh more loudly in this scene although it's the same scene as below. In addition, the one above goes on to describe what is worth living for by asking the dude directly, and he says, true love. I had forgotten about that portion of the movie. What gave me the idea of looking it up on Youtube was a CNN thing I was watching tonight about people who were almost dead, but were saved by cpr using chest compressions alone or either by hybernating their body temperatures to below 90 degrees F to slow the process of death. Nothing at all was mentioned of true love. Leading me to suspect that true love is being sent to me by the universe.
Something strange is happening as I am typing because this aahh thing in front of me keeps on changing the screen when I get to the end of a line. But it's not like aha! or anything so maybe just aahh. I expect the time to change from 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM, after posting this.
(a previous update)
This is just an experiment to see if the time changes and whether people are dead, or only mostly dead. I contend that they are not "all dead"; only mostly dead. Not sure however if this is in reference to me, or to something else instead.
The current time/date on the post edit screen reads Nov 18 2009 1:00 AM. When I click "preview" and "post," I expected to see either the same time or a different time/date instead.
Needless to say, this in and of itself does not provide the veracity that is needed to prove whether people or my Pop are alive or dead. Yet a change in time/date does suggest that intelligent life-forms or almost-dead forms do exist somewhere out there--who ever they are.
Update 17.10.09 09:00 PM:
I find it bizarre that the time/date that I updated the blog to this date, Saturday, 17.10.09 at 09:00 PM was changed to Tuesday, 17 November 2009 at 11 PM.
Also, upon last update, the time/date changed by the Itself to: Wednesday, 18 November at 12 AM.
Selections from Art of Noise, "The Seduction of Claude Debussy." "Dreaming In Colour" suddenly started playing when I typed today's date. Remember: when she (Blue tha Blue) claps her hands, it is no longer a dream but made present shortly.
In addition, I've updated below with important comments to footnotes 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 as promised.
On Being Blue When U
R Down By The Sea Or Floating On Oceans From The Rain Under Clear Blue Skies..
Originally posted on 17.10.06 09:51 PM
It would be truly surprising if sound were not capable of suggesting colour. If colour could not give the idea of the melody. If sounds and colours were not adequate to express ideas.
From out of the sea
The deep, blue sea
Debussy
..♥ --from "On Being Blue" - The Art Of Noise, The Seduction Of Claude Debussy (1999)
-----------------------------------
The colour blue is typically associated with.. melancholy or of sadness...♥ However, these descriptions alone do not exhaust the vastness, complexity, depth, breadth, and latent possibilities of this very cool and versatile tone--especially when worn in conjunction with the deep blue sea when it is raining under clear blue skies....♥ The sea or the ocean can be described as a vast or liimitless space encompassing the entire Earth and encircling it and thereby creating a circle...♥ The sea predates every life form on Earth so is by nature mysterious because it is primordial... etc., ♥ It has silently witnessed the rise and fall of many different civilizations that had sunk to its bottom floor or disperse elsewhere on the oceans... It contains the totality of everything that the collective inhabitants of earth have experienced or may ever experience... Whether in terms of the ocean or of the colour of deep blue--we are ultimately speaking of matters pertaining to the soul and to collective World-Soul.....The sea, therefore,..in relative terms and worldviews,² is limitless and inexhaustible in scope and is symbolic of..soul..3 or World-Soul,..which is limitless or vast in..latent possibilites and inexhaustible.
Because of so many memories as well as hope there is correspondingly so many dreams to process these things: whether of past memories, present memories, or of future memories to come. What else are we to..4 do with all the images, artifacts, assorted scrap metal or aluminum parts and emotional baggage..that had once belonged to some prototypical humanoid or robotic-type5 who is now locked away forever and calcified or rusted-out ..at the sea bottom...and awaiting emergence in the afterlife?.. So deep is the sea because it holds and.. guards the secrets and renmants to every thing or creature..that may arise from it or ultimately sink back in...
The calcified..remains of rusted junkyard parts..and other mineral deposits of course are completely forgotten many ages ago from the conscious memory of land dwellers who had crawled out of it... Yet not completely forgotten from collective consciousness because this memory is erased only from waking, or conscious memory and not from the Unconscious portion of memory that is associated with dreaming and twilight stages of sleep.....These dreams may..oftentimes appear to the awakened mind to be nonsensical or pointless6... This is because it is a circle and not triangular in shape... The origin of these dreams began prior to rationality and prior to "forward motion" (triangular/three dimensional thinking/pyramidal/"must have a "point")6--It is difficult if not impossible to fully understand or comprehend.. the myriad symbols and images that exist in dreams that are swirling on the surface or awaiting emergence from deep within or swirling deep below, going not only forward in motion but backward as well (if below the equator) in a cyclical pattern to reflect the circular and two-dimensional aspects of a circle... All of these things, artifacts, baggage, disgusting debris from train wrecks and vile contrufines, et.c.,..represent all memories, all sadness or joy locked away and buried deep within the soul.. and swirling... The conscious memory of it at best--only cloudy.
The colour blue is the colour of the sea which reflects the blue sky and is a mirror-image of sky or reflection of sky... Thus, if the deep blue sea is symbolic for soul and for a primordial soupy past that is cloaked away from line of vision..and hidden in a dreamy twilight--the clear blue sky above, in contrast, must be symbolic to that of divinity.
We yearn to creep out of the primordial and embryonic darkness and into Light and into Diurnal Brightness of daylight... It is only there that we will have the clarity of mind and spirit to claim this particular birthright.*7 (see revised footnote...we've already done that. A new symbol besides the sun may be necessary to convey the clarity of transparency..but will leave the rest "as is" for documentational purposes until I know better what to do with it): It is none other than the Godhead or the Divine Light itself that is bursting outward from within to manifestation into a higher dimension... A 'coming-out' event as it were for the soul to meet its 'maker' and to see the fruition of its dreams...♥ Debussy himself was an atheist but could not possibly reject or object to the verity of these words--even if DI VI NI TY is included. ----------------------------------- Notes
¹ The word ocean, in fact or I believe,..has its origin in the mythical river Oceanus from ancient Greek legends, which is a flowing river that encircles the earth on a two-dimensional plane... The ancients..envisioned a..world..in which the earth is an island at the center of this river, on a circular disk. ² to comment; here is a related post for you to read in the meantime:
The sea, therefore,..in relative terms and worldviews,²
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=136278781&blogId=5133103213 to comment:
.The sea, therefore,..in relative terms and worldviews,² is limitless and inexhaustible in scope and is symbolic of..soul..3 or World-Soul,..which is limitless or vast in..latent possibilites and inexhaustible.
The wheel of analytics meditation of van monk has many good uses for the mind and body. However, considering that we are discussing the definition of "soul" and "world soul" above, it is unreasonable for anyone to attempt to apply this meditation technique of negation to soul itself.
Space is nothing but vacuity. The soul is full of content. The soul does not refer to the gross body but to the astral body.
This is not to say that this meditation practice cannot be used at other times of the day as a preparatory ritual to optimize the mind or body for the benefit of arational manifestations of creativity. I would advise strongly against doing it in conjunction with exercise into creativity involving soul or world. Perhaps there is something I am missing out on in this monologue (once dialogue) on the wheel of analytics meditation. The grown-ups are strange indeed.
The three dimensional mental-rational structure is a structure of negation and abstraction. While definitely useful and applicable in some situations to purify the mind and body, it is not good for use simply to negate the previous structures or to attempt to negate the present structure of arational-aperspectival.
The soul by nature is comprised of imagery from the imaginatory realm of memories, premonitions, imaginations, and dreams. It is furthermore limitless, boundless, and inexhaustible in its scope and potentialities. Therefore, to apply this analytical meditation technique to an arational manifestation and to something, furthermore, that is inexhaustible in scope would be ultimately futile if not foolhardy.
at best--if not altogether tragic.
This is because the potentiality and manifestations of higher structures beyond the three dimensional mental-rational structure require the fruitions (manifestations) of potentialities (latencies) lying dormant, yet still present in the the previous structures (such as the psyche or soul, which is two-dimensional).
The localization of the soul varies depending on structure: for the two dimensional mythical structure it is heart and mouth. Three dimensional mental-rational, I believe the brain and spinal cord. For the four-dimensional structure, the localization of the soul is the cerebral cortex and the "humorous" (glands? possibly thyroid gland or maybe not, according to definition from a medical website).
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4 to comment:
..4 do with all theo images, artifacts, assorted scrap metal or aluminum parts and emotional baggage..that had once belonged to some prototypical humanoid or robotic-type5 who is now locked away forever and calcified or rusted-out ..at the sea bottom...and awaiting emergence in the near-death or after-life experience?.. So deep is the sea because it holds and.. guards the
To offer an example:
My gray wool-synthetic blend skort has long ago been converted to scrap material and metal (some of it was metallic, such as the metallic hoop) parts. It then emerged out of the sea as Satan. I connect the skort's conversion to Satan because my feeling of being demonic spell began around the time of posting that message in May 2005 to Aspergian Island, prior to knowing of Myspace. Possibly--even further back in time to the time when the skort was created in late 2002.
5 prototypes or variants of humanoid..species or operating systems are the..neo-sapiens, robo-sapiens, and one other (must check)
Checked my operating system just now and according to it, the third species (not mentioned previously) refers to robotron-tron, who is my Pop.
6 A circle cannot have a point because it is round... Without a point, it is irrational and confuses many causal relationships.....
..In gebserian terms, dimensions are structures of consciousness ranging from 0-dimensionality to 4-dimensionality... Each dimension possesses a corresponding geometrical shape and several other attributes that Gebser has identified... This is where a scanner that I can connect to would come in handy to show you on a diagram... Each structure possesses an efficient and deficient stage... In addition, old structures are not discarded but remain as an integral part of the overall structure; nothng is 'discarded,' in other words... These structures havea back-and forth pendulum quality making every other dimension a counter-part to each other.
Whereas the magical structure is complimentary to the mental structure due to its vanishing point-like awaredness and external-relatedness in the form of sophisticated technology and machines, pre-temporal origin (the source of creativity) and the mythical structure are complimentarities to the arational-aperspectival structure. This is not to say that arational excludes non-complimentarity principles or structures but simply to point out that certain shared values and capacities are emphasized at every other structure.
0-dimensional - embryionic (no shape assigned but must check) prior to respiration
1-dimensional - magical efficient state (represented by a dot .]..for its point-like and magical characteristics, breathing in
1-dimensional-magical deficient stage (represented by a line segment [_____________] for its..wand-like capacity to connect the "dots" to form a cause-effect relationship between various events, resulting in polarity or polar opposites and differentiation.... correct. brething out
2-dimensional - mythical is represented by a circle [o] which is essentially a line segment that meets together from both ends to form a circle... Thus it is flat and two-dimensional... It is a self-enclosed and self-contained system breathing in
3-dimensional.. rational -.. (represented by a triangle or a pyramid [cannot display properly here] in which there..is triangular or pyramidal vision [will get back to this one....but oh, conceptions of the trinity arises during the efficient stage of this structure--eg, the father, the son, and the holy ghost] breathing out
4-dimensional spherical (represented by a sphere which for obvious reasons I cannot duplicate on a two-dimensional screen... Imagine a glass globe--except as a moving transparent sphericity rather than as a still flower stuck under a glass globe.).. During this stage many aspects of 20th century physics is incorporated, must read up and get back with you/breathing in
7 Please see revision above.
♥ I would like to say that the ellipses or dots scattered randomly throughout the page have not been my style of writing since the 9th grade. Those were inserted by some other party during time of post.
I've gone back and added comments to notes 2, 3, 4, five, and 6, which I noticed had been left blank as "to comment" or with words omitted three years ago.
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04 Nov 09 Wednesday 6:46 PM
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[here are the lyrics in the meantime]
No Name Number 4
For a change she got out before they hurt her bad Took her record and clothes And pictures of her boy It really made her sad Packed it up and didn't look back I'm okay let's just forget all about them
The car was cold and it smelled like old cigarettes and pine In her bag I saw things she drew when she was 9 Like this one here Her alone nobody near What a shame let's just not talk about it
No, it doesn't look like you But you did wear cowboy boots That's your fame There's no question about it
Once we got back inside With one ear to the ground I was ready to hide 'Cause I don't know who's around And you look scared It's our secret do not te-hell, okay Let's just not talk about it
Don't tell okay Let's just let's just forget all about it
 "At the Arch"
This artwork, entitled "At the Arch," was located on my new computer when it arrived. The previous owner had a few things left behind, but to my knowledge did not have need to place this image in the extra hard drive as the computer is virtually empty of content.
This is why i found it strange to discover not one, but TWO images or listings on my extra hard drive, drive M:
BARBI OLD PC At the Arch
BARBI OLD PC is a listing that was created by my son and transferred by my boy when he came over to set up my new computer and
"At the Arch," the image above, was I think already on the new computer when it arrived. I assumed it to be a sample image that came with the computer but had intuited that I was to somehow incorporate the image above into some work of art that is yet to be completed. I will therefore attempt to include it in this video. Only problem, I do not understand the meaning of "At the Arch" nor the meaning of the video. When I looked up "arch" on Wikipedia, I happened to notice that the image above is a famous one called "The Delicate Arch" located in Utah. My impression is that its significance has to do with not necessarily this arch in particular, but some is symbolic for a religious-ritual connotation to indicate a rite of passage, perhaps a wedding arch, since my layout that was put on by the Universe all by the Itself looks like a girl in a wedding dress (of course, this image looks like a negative of something. In which case, it could be the negative of a girl in a funeral dress, since her skin and hair appear to be unnaturally reverse or inversed from their original colour).
 Homing Device: But as we well know, "Home" need not refer to a house on a hill but can also refer to death, as in the Tibetan monk who died in Little Buddha but kept referring to his own death as going "Home."
And you look scared.
 ('Cause I don't know who's around).
 "Yar a liar"
 This image, created for a screen shot for my latest video, was rejected by the Universe.
Consequently, my previous map and directions on how to get where I am is no longer valid:
Consequently, my previous map and directions to the Universe on how to get where I am is no longer valid.
 New map and directions on how to get where I am (note: map is turned side-ways, but is clearer than the diamond one below which is turned the correct way but is less clear than the above).
 The map turned correctly in a diamond shape, which came out smaller and less clear than the one turned sideways. Whereas the image of a Jupiter midnight robot gardener watering a flower on Mars was rejected by the Universe as "corrupted," according to the Windows Movie Maker, the alternative images were accepted:
 What a shame let's just not talk about it.
 Naked Pirate Girl running naked down the street is ironically also of all things, a Modest Mouse.
Here's another Modest Mouse:
 "Ima Pirate Mouse Drunk but Ima Liar," since I rarely ever drink since quitting GHB some time ago and hardly ever go robo-tripping on Robotussin Cough Syrup (a truth serum to prevent unnecessary coughs in flower). But this is certainly not to say that I require Robotussin Cough Suppressant to be in truth, but rather to point out the opposite issue: that the image above--as are the images pertaining to drinking--are perceived as a lie.
 Whereas the screen shot for a midnight robot gardener on Jupiter flowering a flower on a different planet, Mars, was rejected by the Universe as "corrupted" on Windows Movie Maker, the image above without labels and without the planet Jupiter was accepted. My impression is that the image above is acceptable because they are on the same world or planet and also because the image is not already appended with labels and words (i.e., "No Name Number 4"). Therefore without labels or names to affix it to any thing in particular, we are free to make associations with whatever, whenever, or wherever this is occurring, if not in Jupiter or Mars.
In any event, the song which inspired the image above, "Age of Aquarius" that goes, "When the moon is in the seventh house/and Jupiter aligns with Mars/then peace will guide the planets/and love will steer the stars" is in reference to a past planetary alignment that already occurred on February 14, 2009, accordion to an astrology expert. Additionally, according to this astrologer, the moon is in the seventh house at certain times of the day or night for a very brief period every day so is not in and of itself unique or significant. I also noticed that my playlist that included the songs, something by Bjork, the Age of Aquarius, and Signs and labled as "Test 1. Rush Limbaugh Hearing Test" was deleted by the Universe, which really pissed me off.
And finally, some explanations are in order for the following two screen shots:
 "Packed it up and didn't look back," time number 1: 1986-1990
"Packed it up and didn't look back," time number 2: 2009
Originally, the song represented my ordeal with an abusive psychotic ex-husband who had broken my nose, gave me stitches, and physically abused me daily (whenever not neglecting me to be with his friends in a bar, and would never invite me even after putting on make-up and getting all ready to go with him). The physical abuse occurred over a span of 4 years, from 1986-1990. But I erroneously entered the wrong dates by entering "1986-2000" by mistake.
Therefore, the "nine years later" is not necessarily "accurate" unless the year 2000 marks the end of another chapter in my life which I am failing to perceive at the moment. The only thing that stands out with me insofar as the year 2000 is my actual introduction to the Internet (I was sort of "late in the game") after buying a computer and connections to those of like mind at entheogen.com. I also looked up information for Little Buddha and found that my inital memory of when I saw this film was correct: the early 90s, or 1993 or 1994 to be more precise rather than the year 2000 as listed in the credits. "2000" may be in reference to when the movie became available on VHS, but not necessarily in reference to the release date of the movie itself...
Whereas initially, the song represented my sad ordeal of having to go to live in a shelter for battered women and children and becoming separated from my son, whom I was breastfeeding at the time, today the song represents to me my ordeal with my parents, relatives, and townspeople in Quitman, GA and son who is now grown and studying abroad in Japan, so it is a song that is representing two different departures and rebirths in my life: the first time, when I departed from my ex-husband to get my baby away from him and to go to college and then the second departure, after my son had gone off to college and life becoming unbearable in the current place of residence immediately following a spiritual crisis. Although to be fair, the pictures that were selected and the people in it do care and love me to the extent that they are capable (as did my ex-husband, who has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder so did care, but could not truly "care" for me responsibly, in a manner in which I deserve). It is therefore inaccurate and unfair to isolate and demonize via name, picture, or identity of any one in particular, whether my ex-husband or my relatives in Quitman. Incidentally, my "whited out relatives" are chosen as scapegoats for demonizing me and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my spiritual crisis and my new healthy lifestyle of quitting smoking, who who forced me to stay perpetually under constant supervision by my parents in their house, with no privacy any more nor keys to car or house.
Therefore, the following dates and pictures "representing" the lyric, "he really hurt her bad" and "Okay, let's just forget about it" are simply metaphorical of killing my elan vital or life force but are not necessarily to be interpreted as people to blame or name. After all, it is altogether futile to blame those who do not have the depth of consciousness or are otherwise incapable to become transparent to the whole to perceive that my ordeal is best understood in spiritual terms rather than in the most vulgar or dehumanizing ways in which they are currently being understood and described by parents, et. al. Who do not see any changes in me but only see my trashing my place, taking drugs, going crazy and then running around naked in my very small town where everybody knows me (according to their perspective) and therefore shaming my parents.
 Interestingly, the image of little prince and flower that I superimposed upon the artwork, "At the arch," reveals that whereas the red rose is the exact dimension or size of the solitary lady depicted in the original photo so as to cover her completely, the little prince, on the other hand, does not have a male equivalent counterpart in the original photo but an any rate is too tall to fit underneath the Delicate Arch. Therefore, changes will have to be made in this particular scene. I personally do not like red roses myself and think that I'm another flower, one which blooms at night, possibly, if there are any that do. Or maybe forsythia, which is yellow.
 Car was old and also cold and smells of cigarettes (and pine, which is symbolic for the pine air freshener that is currently dangling on my rearview mirror to get rid of the cigarette smoke. Pine is also symbolic for the deep south and in particular, Georgia), although now I no longer smoke. In fact, I have finished washing all clothes to get the cigarette smell out, but the car is now off limits for my personal use. Therefore, unlike the song above, the Universe will have to intervene and send someone to me to get me out of here.
 Teddy Bears from the album, Soft Machine, was also villified initially and used as a whipping boy for simply disguising itself in a bear mask and being a soft machine.
The nude pirate girl reminded me of me, until I began associating the parrot on her back with the Parrot Bay rum. Which was then perceived to me as a falsehood for the fact that i was not drunk at the time, nor ever hardly drunk.
 Original image for naked pirate.
Finally, I plan to include additional music with related themes and will post a copy of the playlist to my post. I will leave to the listener to sort out "what is new" on the list since the list itself will include everything ever uploaded over there.
 The diary of Alicia Keys refers to my note to the Universe and to racier parts of the video, which are to be kept a secret until further notice.
Something I find most difficult and embarrassing yet very necessary to do if I am to receive my new order is to ignore all protests of my ego-self whenever I go into known "enemy site" (sites or profiles maintained by people who have cut off all communications with me for some strange reason). It seems that the Universe requires that I get my ideas or inspiration from enemies for my various projects. It is a thankless task--that of acknowledging "enemies" by giving exposure to their work or ideas without ever so much as getting a thanks or acknowledgment of any kind in return. Yet I find that avoiding such things for the sake of ego or pride is ultimately self-defeating. For as it happens, everything I do here is paralleled over there. It does not even appear to be necessary for me to follow it to be echoed over there. Thus, in trying to piece together various clues that I gather here and there, there is nowhere to go but there.
It doesn't even seem fair that I have to continue doing this, given that the user is so cold and unfriendly and that the site(s) appear to no longer be maintained any more by that user. Yet I am still required to follow it because everything I do here--whether intentionally or unintentionally--has a correspondence over there.
Take the following image, from the enemy profile:
 After noticing that one of my images, a yellow yummy bear, had been mysteriously "hollowed out" by the Universe as if I did not exist,
Here are the individual frames for better viewing (the hollowed-out image was not originally a part of the gif animation on my computer; so evidently, someone had gone in behind me and "doctored" the image with a frame of a hollowed-out yellow yummy bear):
 Individual frame 1. Once we got back inside
 Individual frame 2. With one ear to the ground
I was ready to hide,
 'Cause I don't know who's around
And you look scared.
They just so "happened" to "fit" the lyrics eerily to No name number 4. When I typed "Cause I don't know who's around," I was merely using the various gummy bears metaphorically to represent various people who were not me. I wasn't even aware that the yellow image had been hollowed out by the Universe.
I went back to the profile of the enemy and ran its image of gummy bears through on Lunapics.com, a photo editor, because I had noticed that some colours were missing in the hollowed-out gummy bear flower which was in need of being filled. And lo and behold: the yellow gummy bear hollowed out once again without my input whatsoever.
Here's another freaky thing that happened too:
Every time I kept trying to work on a different image, this black image appeared. So I decided to use the black image as a black background for a scene.
When I opened the image above on MS Paint, the following appeared, I noticed that words were typed in the background of the image:
Dammit. It didn't show up here. I'll upload it to Photobucket instead:
  Is this not odd or what? The image above is from my old PC, but I did not upload it to Lunapics. It uploaded by the Itself every time I tried to put a mouse head on that naked pirate girl.
 I had to see what the words said behind the gummy bear. I just so happened to have saved the blank image that was uploaded to Lunapics by the Itself. I find it interesting that I was discussing an enemy that was cold and unpleasant, and then here is a song listing for the band Coldplay, which also looks cold and unpleasant.
 | Currently listening:
Roman Candle
By Elliott Smith
Release date: 1995-07-14 |
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31 Oct 09 Saturday 12:01 PM
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I saw the movie, "Little Buddha," in the early 1990s while in college although I had noticed on the credits that the film was not released until the year 2000, some nine years later. Whatever the case, it has always been among my favorites films of all times which makes me wonder why I had never thought to look it up again until the current year, 2009, which just so happens to be exactly nine years since the last time seeing the film if going by the film's release date of 2000.
In it are square root(9) = 3 children, two little boys and a little girl, all of them age 9 with the exception of the smaller one who was born some later year and time but is probably 6 because 6 is the upside-down version of 9. A Tibetan astrologer was foretold in a dream that one of these children is the reincarnation of Lama Thunder Bolt, which means "Dorje" in Tibetan. Lama Thunder Bolt had died 9 years ago, accordion to the Tibetan astrologer. His visions of a hill and dreams of a house on a hill began around that time, approximately one month after the Lama Thunder Bolt died. Accordion to the astrologer, this was the location where the reincarnated Lama Thunder Bolt was reborn 9 years ago. Making his current age 9.
The astrologer and monks set out to find their spiritual teacher in his current life and discover that a little American boy in Seattle is Lama Thunder Bolt's reincarnation. Later in the film, the monks are surprised to find that the little American boy is not the only reincarnation of Lama Thunder Bolt, who had reincarnated into not one--but square root(9) = 3 people instead, or the square root of 9.
This is not unexpected given that the number 9 is symbolic for "new" whereas the number 8 is symbolic for "old, SPENT, washed-up, complete."
For instance: the average human lifespan is approximately 8 decades long. A major scale of do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do consists not of 9 or 7 notes, but 8 for a sense of finality and closure. Therefore the number 8 represents "completion, finality, closure" to mark when everything is OVER
By contrast, the number 9 denotes "beginning." 9 months is the gestational period for humans from conception to birth. And birth is not an end, but a beginning. What else... there were more; I'll come back to this
The little girl and the youngest boy remind me of me at first but then I started thinking that since there were three characters, I should not be greedy and take up "two" but should give like, one of them to Patrick/BRBRB. The think or thing that got me thinking of this was the following email that I received from Patrick/BRBRB, then called "BRB" and my reply back to BRBRB at 04:20 exactly AM this morning. I think I should include the entire message for context:
..BRBRB (/Patrick):
I am currently working on a blog which will benefit many. I am convinced that you are one of the three children portrayed in Little Buddha. I do not know which one, however. Possibly, the the little Kat boy from Katmandu. I think that I am the little girl from India who is very arrogant because she has a Secret Garden and she dances around trees, and has the audacity to be a man and furthermore, the REAL Slim Shady or whateva. I think the blond boy is someone else who resembles some one else. Of course, I could have every body mixed up as I always do. What are your thoughts.
That in mind, I wanted to get your permission to include the following TOP SECRET INFORMATION labeled, "CONFIDENTIAL" in that blog. I think I am onto somethign:
Patrick/BRBRB (BRB) wrote:
"As for you...I have determined that you and I equate to ONE MIND. It would seem we are the thoughts of one mind's process (as opposed to one brain or one ego-construct). The commerce and exchange and architecture of THIS thought process. THIS process, OUR process...we complete each other's gestalt, answer each others questions, delight in each others successes and accomplishments, have concern for one another, etc. We are not only cosmic brother & sister (which we've known for years) but would appear to be COSMIC TWINS, cosmically "twined together". This is not an attempt to convince you or me, this is a simple statement of fact I believe.
I've instinctively known this for years but didn't know exactly how to express it. Timing WOULD APPEAR to be all, no?
After being able to expound at length upon a number of bizarrely and eerily similar (if not identical) traits and oddities shared between the little American boy's Halloween mask and someone else that it reminded me of, I felt compelled to apply the same rigorous standards and careful attention to detail toward the development of my two other characters--the little rich girl from India and the little poor Kat boy from Katmandu--without which my case is neither "solid" nor convincing in the sense of being "whole" or "concrete," should none of the other characters be capable of being brought to life and a-wared arationally besides the American boy or his Halloween mask.
I feel that at present, compared to the American boy character, the two other children seem very hollow, flat, and uninteresting by comparison. One reason for this is because while I do wholeheartedly agree that Patrick/BRBRB is a cosmic twin in the sense of possibly sharing a common past life, I cannot "locate" him in the characters that I've "got.' I'm sure I could in some other story; just not in this one.
I don't know; perhaps I am wrong... but the girl character is poorly developed in the movie such that there is not a lot to "work with" insofar as squeezing the full nature and complexity and SPLENDOUR of my being into such an itty-bitty coquettish self, shell, or character such as she. What I have noted already--she's got a Secret Garden, is somewhat arrogant, feels she's a male in a previous life and that, morover, she thinks that she's the REAL Slim Shady while all the other slim shadys are just imitating, and that she dances in front of trees--about "wraps it up" for her. In a very real sense, I feel that I have more in common with little Kat boy from Katmandu than with her. That's why I feel that I need to have both of them to myself.
Is that being stingy? I realize that I claimed that this would be beneficial for many people but maybe I was wrong.
The other child reminds me of other people, too, and/or animals. This film, along with recent encounters with angelic or divine beings who take on the form of humans I have seen or have yet to see, raises the interesting question of the meaning of the concept of personal identity, the singularity or multiplicity of souls or consciousnesses, and of rebirth, that is, reincarnation and or afterlife, from both a Buddhist and Christian (early Christian: Gnostic) perspective.
At first, I was disappointed for not being able to locate any Little Buddha videos that were enlarged to the dimensions that would indicate that they were selected by the Universe. Then I came across this unassuming one subtitled in Pali or Maly, but still in English. I instantly recognized it to be the one chosen by the Universe for me to feature on my blog.
The first video, 1/13, could not be heard due to poor sound quality of my computer. It is a story told by a Tibetan monk to children at a monastery about a little goat and his sacrificial death by the village priest, but could not hear the rest of the story. After death, the little goat went on to be reborn in the next several hundreds of lifetimes as a human. I wish I could have heard it and did not hear the moral of the story. I think it was to not kill animals for sacrifice or to beCOME a vegetarian.
In one of the segments below, I think 2/13, the Old Lama foreshadows his own death when a beggar man approaches him with a begging bowl and places it on the ground, offering it to the Old Lama as a gift from Lama Thunder Bolt.
O yeah. I am noticing that I had foreshadowed my saying, "O" by typing it as a mistake without the h. I do not know what that means but see it printed that way in hymnals and in earlier poetry so left it that way. But typed it again as a mistake each time. None of them were intentional. Oooh oh o o Forsythia is playing as I type this.
What else.... The time keeps moving backward by one hour each time I update this post. I do not know how long this has been going on but began noticing it around 7:01 PM. The time now is 5:01 PM. I predict that the current update will move backward in time by one hour to 11:01 am. Why is that? The directionality of time going backwards, rather than forward?
The East did not experience a Rennaissance. Therefore, perspectival thinking and the rightward-orientation of the mental-rational structure (which is three-dimensional and hence, future-oriented and spatially-oriented on objects and self) did not become so dominant in the East as it did in the Western world. Permitting thus more ancient time-forms based on rhythmic time to remain valid, which is not the abstract temporal "clock" time of the West but rather those time-forms that follow the natural cosmological periodicities found in nature. Such natural periodicities are the constellations in the sky, the phases of the moon, the sleep/wake cycles, life/death or birth/death cycles (reincarnation), monthly cycles, and the seasons of the year: none of which are right-directional or linear in motion with an arrow going from past to future but are circular and repeating and hence, "backwards" in directionality in the minds of most Westerners in that the two-dimensional mythical structure is still valid and far more prevalent in the East. Thus, rather than being right-directional, dual-oppositional, future-oriented and linear, the East tends to be past-oriented, circular, left-"directional," and polar-ambivalent. I'm only making an educated guess here since the Europeans and Westerners appear to be the ones more concerned about clock time and the quantification, spatialization, and hence, falsification of time, which is that abstract clock time that moves only forward but is never in the present nor ever experienced as a quality.
2/13: The little boy in the mask, he reminds me of some one else. O I know who that mask reminds me of: Pinocchio or that mask displayed as that vulgar phallic symbol on a documentary (video below. I think he is practicing witchcraft or possessed by the Devil...something "strange" going on down there...BURN HIM!) of the film, A Clockwork Orange, which discusses phallic worship and drinking cow's milk. The little boy claims that it is a mask of a rat (Likely story, that). Looks more like an appotomus if you ask me than a rat. I've never seen a rat with a long, pointed nose like that so it must be lying. And a rat with a head that is red? Come on, what is up widat? Is it Satan? The ears are pointy like Satan and the head is red.
Good thing today is still Halloween just like it was yesterday so as to have an "excuse" to wear such a mask and get away with it and not come across as "strange" to other people. Any other day, it would seem rather "strange" to wear a mask. Luckily for that American boy, today is Halloween based on the time-stamp of today. Probably, it'll be Halloween tomorrow, too. Weird how things happen like that without any conscious memory that the movie even involves a boy in a mask and today of all days, just like yesterday, and probably tomorrow and the next, is the days that ever buddy wears a mask becau it is Halloween or Ground Hog's Day
The little boy's mother begins reading the story of Little Buddha to the little boy, a book presented by the Tibetan monks to the little boy for his training as their spiritual guide.
..
3/13: The birth of Prince Siddartha reveals that Ma Maya Maya need not refer to "illusion" necessarily nor exclusively. The name could also be in reference to my self or the ego-self, which in and of itself is illusory or to my mother, Queen Maya, mother of Prince Siddartha. Or to the Mayan civilization, for example.
..
4/13: Gautama Siddhartha, the Prince of Kapilavastu, was born into a life of great luxury and wealth. ...and his father protected him from exposure to the ills of the world, including old age, sickness, and death. At age 16 he married the princess Yashodhara, who would eventually bear him a son. At 29, however, the prince had a profound experience when he first observed the suffering of the world while on chariot rides outside the palace. He..., much like the little prince, was innocent, pure, and ignorant while in tiny paradise and was never aware of the world beyond the walls of his own small kingdom.
He married his fairytale Princess, Yashodara. A son, Rahul, was born and his life continued; one of love, peace and contentment.
"The charm of those days was like music to their souls, and each day drew her and Siddhartha closer together. Yashodara's beauty seemed to increased daily and the Prince's personality was intensified and sweetened."
But this contentment was to be destroyed by the realities of the life outside, which Siddhartha chanced to encounter. Gone was his tranquillity and peace of mind. He wanted to see the world beyond his own planet, Asteroid B-612. A new path and a searching for a more lasting contentment did Siddhartha seek. Yashodara was smitten with grief when Siddhartha left, a life of love shattered. She became reclusive and led a life devoted to her son, but always with the pain of separation. The little prince Siddartha then goes out into his kingdom and chances upon two old men. He asks his servant, Channa, what they were, having never seen old people in his life. He is astonished to learn that old age happens to everyone.
The hand movements displayed by the monk at the Dharma Center reminded me of my hand movements during my spiritual encounter while walking out into nature in the nude.
5/13: Hmm. "An error occurred: please try again later."
6/13: A mist of sleep falls over the kingdom shrouding everyone in it in a deep sleep or dream. Prince Siddhartha at once recognizes that their sleep reflected the state of the world-at-large and the people in it, all of whom are asleep in a dream. Waking his servant, Siddhartha bids him to get the horse ready for their departure from the kingdom. They then begin their long journey into a process of awakening.
Their first encounter is a group of skinny ascetics wandering naked in a forest. Upon hearing his servant's Channa's description of these strange men, who are said to be on a quest toward freedom and enlightenment, Prince Siddhartha is immediately inspired to adopt a life of asceticism, and cuts off his long lock of hair to join them. The servant Channa watches on helplessly, reacting with sadness over his lord's fallen hair.
While meditating with the group, rain begins to fall. A giant snake slithers across the ground and then hovers over the head of Siddartha, thus shielding his body from the elements as rain continues to pour down heavily, drenching all the other meditators.
7/13: After the unexpected death of a close family friend, the American boy's parents decide to allow their son to go on a pilgrimage to a Bhutan monastery with his dad for further training to compete with the other candidates vying for the position of being Lama Thunder Bolt's reincarnation: among them, a little girl in India and a little poor boy from Katmandu.
Meanwhile, six years pass and Siddhartha discovers that he is on the wrong path. His life of renunciation and suffering, which involved years of deprivation by wandering in a forest and subsisting on one grain of rice per day, had led him to severe malnutrition and weakness. At one point he became so weak, haggard, and skinny that falls into a river. Unable to pull himself out, he is rescued by a little village girl, who pulls him out with one hand. The girl then offers him a bowl of rice which he accepts, which leads the other ascetics to question Siddhartha's search for enlightenment. They decide unanimously to no longer follow Siddhartha any more for breaking his vow.
8/13: As the ascetics are walking off, Siddhartha pleads with them that the Middle Way is the line between all opposite extremes. They are unimpressed and offended by his new path and part company with Siddhartha.
The American boy and his dad arrive in Katmandu, Nepal. The background noise prevents me from hearing much of the dialogue. What I caught was that the monks are surprised to discover that on a very busy street full of children, two candidates vying for Lama Thunder Bolt's reincarnation, the American boy and a little poor boy from Katmandu, find each other and befriend each other immediately.
The American boy shares his Game Boy with his new friend, who announces exitedly while striking a musclehead pose that he is "the Game Boy champion of Katmandu." Suddenly a young thief appears on the scene and snatches it out of the little friend's hands, which sets the small Katmandu boy off running after the thief. The American boy attempts to follow his new friend but then loses track of him in defeat. However, the little Kat boy returns to his new American friend triumphantly with the Game Boy recovered from the thief, and the two little boys skip away hand-in-hand.
The Lama then bids the two boys to come forward. He informs the two boys that they are both candidates for the Lama Thunder Bolt's reincarnation and are to be in competition with each other. At this, the little Kat boy appears shocked and withdraws away from his new American friend. Something is then mentioned about "impermanence" as the Lama carries on, informing the two boys that there is yet a third candidate they are considering as well; and that all three of them are to be in competition with each other as the reincarnation of Lama Thunder Bolt.
To offer some concrete example:
i think that i actually had an experience that was very similar to the one above: where two extremely rare individuals who never knew each other but had something in common that was very rare had somehow found each other in a very crowded and unlikely place, out of billions of people. I cannot say for sure because no one ever talks to me.
Patrick/BRBRB is my friend, but I have no clue whether Patrick/BRBRB is friends with the other boy. It didn't seem realistic for them to be trotting down the street hand-in-hand like that. But even if they were, what joy would I derive from simply watching other children make friends all the time? Especially if they were my friend first, and then, became Patrick's/BRBRB's friend instead, and then left me out?
Used to happen to me all the time.
That girl seemed really stuck-up to me. She did not befriend the two boys, but most likely had her own set of friends who were girls.
She would never want to be my friend even though I am a girl.
Were she to invite me to come and play in the Secret Garden with her, I would react EXACTLY THE SAME AS the the little Kat boy from Katmandu. I would have to make sure and go, "Me?"
because I never know when people are talking to me.
However, if I did have a friend and my friend were ignored or not invited, I would be exactly the same as the little Kat boy and turn around and wave to my friend and say, "Come on," because I would need for them to come with me.
9/13: In this scene, the little Kat boy is wearing the American boy's baseball cap, which is too large for him and worn backwards (for children, unlike the hardened and bitter grown-ups, quickly forget their suspicions and fears of enemies or rivals and befriend each other the very next minute). The two boys travel with the Lama to meet the third candidate, a little rich girl from a well-to-do family in India (?) who in her introduction to the two boys boasts pridefully that she is the REAL Lama Thunder Bolt whereas the little one doesn't go to school and the other one is an alien. She then announces that she has a Secret Garden, and invites the two boys to come and play.
The remaining portion of 9/13 could not be heard. For some reason my final sentence typed to Notepad, "I will attempt to play it again to offer a brief synopsis but would welcome any input from readers since the audio is poor on my computer," failed to copy/paste on this post along with the snippet above, suggesting perhaps that the Universe considers this portion less relevant and/or that I am to simply improvise to offer a synopsis based on what I see, without the aid of audio. So here goes:
As the children are walking into the Secret Garden, the narration for the life of Little Buddha resumes once again. It is told in a story-book or holographic format to the children in the garden, who are the audience. They approach a Bo tree whereupon the little girl begins to dance before the tree. Siddhartha then appears in holographic form sitting in a lotus position under this tree engaged in deep meditation, while the Prince of Darkness, Mara (?), disguised as five village girls or prostitutes, try to tempt Siddhartha or break his meditation as he is meditating under the Bo tree. Siddhartha is nonreactive. Then a reflection of Siddartha's face appears in the pond in front of him, which turns into the face of Mara, an ugly and frightful being. I believe that this Mara is symbolic for the ego-self which the Buddha (Siddhartha) is struggling against while meditating under the Bo tree. However, this is only an educated guess.
10/13: Mara continues in his efforts to break or overtake the spirit or mind of Siddhartha, who continues meditating serenely under a Bo tree and is completely nonreactive to Mara's frightful illusions as he transforms from one illusory form to the next. The sky darkens as fierce, howling winds blow at Siddhartha Buddha. An army of demons appear before him, hurling arrows and torpedoes of fire at their sitting target. The children, looking on, become frightened and take cover behind a giant tree for protection, peeking around the tree to witness the raging battle between Siddhartha, who is sitting nonreactively and serenely under a Bo tree and illusion, that is, Mara, as he transforms from one illusory form to the next in an effort to overtake Siddhartha Buddha.
Finally, before Mara is finally defeated, he transforms into a reflection of the Buddha himself (told out of sequence above) in a pond. This illusion, the Buddha's ego-self or Mara, is the final battle between Buddha and his self. The ego-self, that is, Mara, claims to Buddha in a face-to-face confrontation or battle of reflections that HE is the architect and/or the house of Buddha (or vice-versa). The Buddha casts him out, thereby forcing Mara to transform from the once-beautiful image or reflection of Siddhartha Buddha to his former ugly ego-self, which is revealed to be far punier, hunch-backed, and in every way inferior to the majestic beauty of Siddhartha Buddha. Then Mara fizzles away in defeat.
As Siddhartha Buddha continues sitting serenely under a tree in meditation, red and white rose petals sprinkle down from the Universe. The children emerge from the tree as the rose petals shower down over the garden. They jump and capture rose petals floating in the air. Then the Buddha disappears.
I will have to verify this, but I believe that Siddhartha Buddha sat in isolation for 40 days and 40 nights under the Bo tree prior to his enlightenment, during which time Mara attempted to overtake his mind and tempt him with illusions. A similar motif occurs in Christianity 500 years later in the battle between Satan and Jesus of Nazareth, who spends 40 days and 40 nights in isolation in avoidance of Satan's temptations, does it not?
11/13: The Lama is nearly finished making a Mandala created out of an intricate pattern of different coloured sands, a project which he began when he arrived to the Monastery. After it is completed, it will be destroyed in one sweeping gesture to symbolize the impermanence of all things before returning to his home, Tibet.
A ritual, attended by several monks in secrecy, is held to allow the Oracle of Delphi to decide which of the three children is the true reincarnation of Lama Thunder Bolt. The monks gather around the Oracle possibly a Buddhist priest, high monk, or the Oracle from the Matrix, who is dressed in elaborate ceremonial robes. He is flailing his body about in a deep trance. It is very intense.
This scene is followed by a ceremony to announce the candidate who was found to be the true reincarnation of Lama Thunder Bolt by the Oracle. Tension fills the air as silence falls across the room with three little children standing nervously side-by-side and the littlest one, little Kat boy, held in the arms of his parent.
The Lama appears and announces that his spiritual teacher, Lama Thunder Bolt, has been found at long last.
Then the Lama approaches little Kat boy and with hands clasped together in reverence, bowing to the child as he very loudly across the room for all to hearken, "O my teacher, I am so happy to have found you again," then gets on the floor and bows to the Lama Thunder Bolt as the two other children bow their heads in defeat, visibly saddened to have not been chosen.
Then the Lama approaches the little girl from India with hands clasped together in reverence, bowing to the child while saying, "O my teacher, I am so happy to have found you again," then gets on the floor and bows to the Lama Thunder Bolt, her face lighting up and beaming as one child looks on in defeat, visibly shaken and saddened to have not been chosen.
Then the Lama approaches the last child, the little American boy, with hands clasped together and whispering softly, in prayer, "O my teacher, I am so happy to have found you again, at last." He then gets on the floor and bows to the Lama Thunder Bolt, [Violins begin to play.] Lama Thunder Bolt in turn gets on the floor and bows to the old Lama, their heads touching head-to-head on the floor.
After going before each child one-by-one to announce his happiness to have found his teacher once again, at long last, the American boy asks:
"But how can we ALL be the Lama Thunder Bolt?"
The old Lama responds, "It is very rare. But it has happened before: several different manifestations of the body, the speech, and the light. None of this three exists without the others...."
"....All of us are attached like a robe to the Universe. But remember this: The most important of all is to feel compassion for all beings. To give of one's self. But above all, to pass on knowledge, enlighten."
After the ceremony, the Lama meets privately with the American boy's father to say his fare-wells, and presents a bowl as a final parting gift for the American boy. Then hands the father a watch that he removes from his wrist as a gift to the dad.
An error occurred, please try again later.
13/13: AS THE SUN SETS-UP, UP, AND AWAY-LITTLE ACORNS
The final scene is sad. I had totally forgotten about it. The Old Lama who goes home has gone home to die. His ashes are placed in the care of Lama Thunder Bolt, who is responsible for his ashes. His dad asks, "Is it time?" and Lama Thunder Bolt nods his head yes, carefully placing the bowl of the Old Lama's ashes on the ocean's surface from the family speedboat for a final fare-well and hello (final round of this "hellogoodbye" series, which goes on indefinitely) As The Sun Sets and the bowl floats away into the sunset (NOT "Hiss Last Voyage," although I do agree it is a beautiful song). Simultaneously, in a different location, Lama Thunder Bolt sends the Old Lama's ashes Up, Up, and Away in 3 beautiful balloons, so we can fly! while simultaneously climbing up a tree like a Super Furry Animal or Squirrel Boy in order to scatter the Old Lama's ashes over all the Little Acorns in her Secret Garden.
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31 Oct 09 Saturday 8:47 AM
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His body was gone after being bitten by the snake, so I thought that he left the Earth alive. Now, I am confused:
The snake represents several things in "The Little Prince". From a Biblical perspective, the snake represents the evils of the world, which are unknown to the Little Prince. The Little Prince had not been on the Earth long enough to experience the evils of man; he landed in a desert where these evils would not exist. The pilot was the only human he encountered on Earth, and the pilot displayed no evil towards the Little Prince.The snake was also very persuasive, and upon learning of The Little Prince's desire to return to his asteroid to see his rose, and alleviate his being homesick, the snake offered him a way to return home. The snake was the only means for The Little Prince to return to his asteroid, according to the snake. The snake was The Little Prince's "transportation" to his little asteroid and his beloved rose.The snake also represents death. Because of the Little Prince's desire to return to his beloved rose, he makes the decision to allow the snake to take him there. The Little Prince did not understand the explanation of the snake's means of transportation, and as a trusting little child would do, he allowed the snake to bite him, not knowing that the snake would take his life in the process.
The SnakeEven though the snake the little prince encounters in the desert speaks in riddles, he demands less interpretation than the other symbolic figures in the novel. The snake also has less to learn than many of the other characters. The grown-ups on the various planets are too narrow-minded for their own good, and the prince and the narrator edge closer to enlightenment, but the serpent does not require answers or even ask questions. In fact, the snake is so confident he has mastered life’s mysteries that he tells the prince he speaks only in riddles because he can solve all riddles. In a story about mysteries, the snake is the only absolute. His poisonous bite and biblical allusion indicate that he represents the unavoidable phenomenon of death.Climax
The climax of the plot occurs when the Little Prince decides to return to his planet and care for his special flower. He has learned from the fox that the important things in life cannot be seen with the eye, only felt with the heart. This lesson eventually makes the Little Prince realize that the flower from which he has fled is really very special. After meeting the narrator and explaining all that he has learned since he left his planet, the Prince accepts that he really loves the flower because she is his responsibility, and he has invested time and trouble in her survival. As a result, he decides that he must go back to his star to take care of his special rose.
Outcome
The story ends in comedy. The Little Prince finds the answers to his questions about what is important in life. When he realizes his love for the flower, he accepts that he must return to his star to care for the rose. He makes arrangements with the poisonous snake to bite him, which will insure his safe passage back home. Before he departs, the Little Prince makes a profound impression on the narrator. Clearly, de Saint-Exupery was raised as a Christian as evidenced by his Christian beliefs in heaven, the afterlife, and even the association of the snake (serpent) with death. The disappearance of the little prince’s body after his death is reminiscent of the resurrection and acension to heaven of Jesus. His biases, however, do not detract from the wisdom of the story itself. It is a beautiful story. And the best thing about it is that as one rereads it, one finds new meanings in the story and depths in the characters. It was a charming story when I first read it as a child. It was inspiring when I was a teenager. As an adult, I find it teeming with the simplest and most honest form of wisdom. That lesson that the little prince learned from the fox became the theme of the last part of the story. A desert was lovely because it hid a well. The stars are special because in one of those stars was the rose he left behind. When the hour of his departure arrived, the little prince found it burdensome to take his body on the trip back to his planet. With the help of a poisonous snake, he departed. But not before consoling the pilot who was pained with the thought of not seeing him again. There is nothing sad about old shells, said the little prince. He told the pilot that when he has gone, he (the pilot) should look up at the stars because in one of those stars he would be laughing. Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s The Little Prince is a story of a man’s journey through life, from birth until death. Even with apparent perfection of his planet (Christian heaven?) where he was his own man, so to speak, he felt discontent with the lack of wisdom to deal with a character as complex as a coquettish rose. He wanted to understand. He wanted to know more than what his little planet offered him. And so began his journey.
Snake
The snake is a symbol of humanity's fear of the unknown. The snake is initially no threat to the little prince, but after a year on Earth, he asks the snake to bite him.
Sources:
Beside the well there was the ruin of an old stone wall. When I came back from my work, the next evening, I saw from some distance away my little price sitting on top of a wall, with his feet dangling. And I heard him say:
"Then you don't remember. This is not the exact spot."
Another voice must have answered him, for he replied to it:
"Yes, yes! It is the right day, but this is not the place."
I continued my walk toward the wall. At no time did I see or hear anyone. The little prince, however, replied once again:
"--Exactly. You will see where my track begins, in the sand. You have nothing to do but wait for me there. I shall be there tonight."
I was only twenty metres from the wall, and I still saw nothing.
After a silence the little prince spoke again:
"You have good poison? You are sure that it will not make me suffer too long?"
I stopped in my tracks, my heart torn asunder; but still I did not understand.
"Now go away," said the little prince. "I want to get down from the wall."
I dropped my eyes, then, to the foot of the wall-- and I leaped into the air. There before me, facing the little prince, was one of those yellow snakes that take just thirty seconds to bring your life to an end. Even as I was digging into my pocked to get out my revolver I made a running step back. But, at the noise I made, the snake let himself flow easily across the sand like the dying spray of a fountain, and, in no apparent hurry, disappeared, with a light metallic sound, among the stones. I reached the wall just in time to catch my little man in my arms; his face was white as snow.
"What does this mean?" I demanded. "Why are you talking with snakes?"
I had loosened the golden muffler that he always wore. I had moistened his temples, and had given him some water to drink. And now I did not dare ask him any more questions. He looked at me very gravely, and put his arms around my neck. I felt his heart beating like the heart of a dying bird, shot with someone's rifle...
"I am glad that you have found what was the matter with your engine," he said.
"Now you can go back home--"
"How do you know about that?"
I was just coming to tell him that my work had been successful, beyond anything that I had dared to hope.
He made no answer to my question, but he added:
"I, too, am going back home today..."
Then, sadly-- "It is much farther... it is much more difficult..."
I realised clearly that something extraordinary was happening. I was holding him close in my arms as if he were a little child; and yet it seemed to me that he was rushing headlong toward an abyss from which I could do nothing to restrain him... His look was very serious, like some one lost far away.
"I have your sheep. And I have the sheep's box. And I have the muzzle..." And he gave me a sad smile.
I waited a long time. I could see that he was reviving little by little.
"Dear little man," I said to him, "you are afraid..."
He was afraid, there was no doubt about that. But he laughed lightly.
"I shall be much more afraid this evening..."
Once again I felt myself frozen by the sense of something irreparable. And I knew that I could not bear the thought of never hearing that laughter any more. For me, it was like a spring of fresh water in the desert.
"Little man," I said, "I want to hear you laugh again."
But he said to me: "Tonight, it will be a year... my star, then, can be found right above the place where I came to the Earth, a year ago..."
"Little man," I said, "tell me that it is only a bad dream-- this affair of the snake, and the meeting-place, and the star..."
But he did not answer my plea. He said to me, instead: "The thing that is important is the thing that is not seen..."
"Yes, I know..."
"It is just as it is with the flower. If you love a flower that lives on a star, it is sweet to look at the sky at night. All the stars are a-bloom with flowers..."
"Yes, I know..."
"It is just as it is with the water. Because of the pulley, and the rope, what you gave me to drink was like music. You remember-- how good it was."
"Yes, I know..."
"And at night you will look up at the stars. Where I live everything is so small that I cannot show you where my star is to be found. It is better, like that. My star will just be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch all the stars in the heavens... they will all be your friends. And, besides, I am going to make you a present..."
He laughed again.
"Ah, little prince, dear little prince! I love to hear that laughter!"
"That is my present. Just that. It will be as it was when we drank the water..."
"What are you trying to say?"
"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-- you alone-- will have the stars as no one else has them--"
"What are you trying to say?"
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you-- only you-- will have stars that can laugh!"
And he laughed again.
"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... and your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you..." And he laughed again.
"It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh..."
And he laughed again. Then he quickly became serious:
"Tonight-- you know... do not come," said the little prince.
"I shall not leave you," I said.
"I shall look as if I were suffering. I shall look a little as if I were dying. It is like that. Do not come to see that. It is not worth the trouble..."
"I shall not leave you."
But he was worried.
"I tell you-- it is also because of the snake. He must not bite you. Snakes-- they are malicious creatures. This one might bite you just for fun..."
"I shall not leave you."
But a thought came to reassure him:
"It is true that they have no more poison for a second bite."
 
That night I did not see him set out on his way. He got away from me without making a sound. When I succeeded in catching up with him he was walking along with a quick and resolute step. He said to me merely:
"Ah! You are there..."
And he took me by the hand. But he was still worrying.
"It was wrong of you to come. You will suffer. I shall look as if I were dead; and that will not be true..."
I said nothing.
"You understand... it is too far. I cannot carry this body with me. It is too heavy." I said nothing.
"But it will be like an old abandoned shell. There is nothing sad about old shells..." I said nothing.
He was a little discouraged. But he made one more effort:
"You know, it will be very nice. I, too, shall look at the stars. All the stars will be wells with a rusty pulley. All the stars will pour out fresh water for me to drink..."
I said nothing.
"That will be so amusing! You will have five hundred million little bells, and I shall have five hundred million springs of fresh water..."
And he too said nothing more, becuase he was crying...
"Here it is. Let me go on by myself."
And he sat down, because he was afraid. Then he said, again:
"You know-- my flower... I am responsible for her. And she is so weak! She is so naïve! She has four thorns, of no use at all, to protect herself against all the world..."
I too sat down, because I was not able to stand up any longer.
"There now-- that is all..."
He still hesitated a little; then he got up. He took one step. I could not move.
There was nothing but a flash of yellow close to his ankle. He remained motionless for an instant. He did not cry out. He fell as gently as a tree falls. There was not even any sound, because of the sand.
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31 Oct 09 Saturday 3:24 AM
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Hi Barbi-
Thats an intense few days there that you had...
I myself in late 2004 had a spiritual crisis that included some of the aspects of your story. I had a terrible feeling of the presence of evil in my apartment, and couldn't go to sleep. At the end of the next day I felt that I needed to go to the river and jump in naked. It was a baptism of sorts. In November. Near Canada. Cold.
I thought good Lord protect me from evil and my own evil ways. I asked for Jesus to enter in my heart. I prayed. After getting out of the water I slapped my clothes back on feeling really fresh and brisk. A woman approached not a moment later through the woods. (I knew she was an angel) She talked with me about my life and what I was doing. I asked about her and what she was doing. She drove me back to my apartment and we parted ways.
I saw her months later at the video rental store and I did not recognize her because she looked "human."
God works in mysterious ways! -S
--
--
Scott,
Thank you for acknowledging my experience as a spiritual crisis and not simply dismissing it as being crazy or as a drug-induced experience. Nearly everyone I have told seems to dismiss it as a misperception of some kind, as a sign of insanity or as an episode that was drug-induced (whether via legal or illegal drugs). I still do not have a rational explanation for walking around naked in public. There is no rational explanation. But as we know, simply because something is nonrational, or rather arational, does not make it irrational or pre-rational (the "pre-trans fallacy"). What I find is that whereas those who are mythical in their center of gravity may interpret such an experience as "evil" or "Satanic" yet "real," those who are rational will attempt to dismiss it as "insane" or "drug-induced" and "unreal." Those who cannot except anything but rational are mental-rational which is now deficient. These are the ones who are becoming demonically possessed by space, self, and material things at the expense of their souls.
Even now, both of my parents are still thoroughly convinced that it was caused by being "high on drugs (to be fair, however, they had good reason to assume it initially because of my history of drug use in the past). But I wasn't on drugs at the time. And they have had nothing positive whatsoever to say about the healthy habits I've adopted since going into rehab. To me, it is a miracle that I have stopped smoking. Streaking out in public was a small price to pay to get me to stop.
Prior to that experience, I would have never dreamed of stripping down naked and going streaking in my very small town where everybody knows me. I am normally shy and have body dysmorphic disorder.
I have been smoking since the age of 17 and was up to a pack and a half a day and have never contemplated quitting until the moment that I did after the experience. However, I do not do enough "drugs" to concern myself with "quitting drugs" and will continue to smoke marijuana occasionally for recreational or spiritual purposes.
It is also good to know that others can validate my experience as authentically "spiritual" by relating details of their own. I too felt the need to cleanse my body and spirit in presence of "evil" by getting naked and purifying my body with water. And the need to feel my heart.
(Mind you, by "evil," I do not mean "evil" in the traditional sense of duality such as "Satan" vs. "God" or "evil" vs. "good," but rather evil in the form of people who become demonically possessed by material possessions, quantity, self, and objects in the spatial realm to the point of valuing self and objects over and above what is essential but invisible to the eye: such as love, imagination, poetry, music, and immaterial things in the spiritual realm, for example)..
As you, the angel or divinity who appeared before me took on the form of another human I have seen in the past or future except "better" and more divine in appearance than that human whose form it took on (unless it was that person...who am I to know or say who or what it was, other than divine?). It is sad that such things are so readily dismissed by others as insane or drug-induced.
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30 Oct 09 Friday 10:21 PM
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For some weeks I have been attempting to understand the meaning of the Universe post-dating a post from three years ago to a future time and date and placing this particular post at the top of my blog without my input whatsoever. At first I interpreted the new time and date as a delivery notice of some kind regarding the order I had placed and when it would arrive. But when I began to notice that the time and date continued to change by the hour with each new update that I made to that particular post, I began to doubt my ability to interpret "signs" from the Universe, to distinguish "sings" or "signs" from "typos," and the significance of such dates altogether, since the post underneath it was also post-dated to a time and date that came and went uneventfully--12:02 pm today. In fact, I was so discouraged in the arrival and departure of nothing that I took a sleeping pill about an hour prior to 12:02 pm so that I could be sure to be asleep when nothing arrived to save myself the worry and anticipation of jumping around and waiting anxiously or excitedly for nothing
Then Van Monk made an interesting comment concerning Terrence McKenna's theory concerning singularity and timewave zero. It got me thinking. Here is a snippet of the conversation:
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please-- tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."
The next day the little prince came back.
"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."
"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.
"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all." .
In addition, 2012 is the wrong year. Each time I attempted to include the years which were spent in captivity by Satan and/or consciously awaiting my new order, the following year was repeatedly rejected:
Image above, selected as pictorial representation for another full year held in captivity (2009) by Satan, kept being deleted from my video in spite of my repeated efforts to include it.
The month December appears to be wrong as well, based on my records of the original date post-dated to top blogging entry to November prior to its reversion into abstract hourly time and the image that was randomly selected by Youtube as the cover for the following video:
And finally,
What happens if nothing should happen, and 2009 passes by uneventfully with me still alone in the same pitiable situation, neglected and alone like the flower who was left by the little prince?
It makes me very sad to think. I only have enough energy for a little hope and that is all after spending so much time alone here and now losing will to live.
I cannot say that I have tamed any one although I feel that I have been tamed. We will see soon enough for the fact that "taming," as pointed out by the fox, involves being responsible for the one who is tamed. This means spending time with them one-on-one and not telepathically from a distance, in visions, or in dreams. Or in the mind. It also involves the observation of rituals or rites which were given to me in advance in the signs up above by the Universe for the sake of presentiation. Ultimately, however, it is still remains the case that to love is to risk not even being loved in return. This is the part that makes me sad.
Yet even so, this love, at least I can say for my self--transcends time and space so that, as I gaze out at the stars, the moon, the ocean, or even at the dismal box below of blog views for today,
I can be happy simply knowing or, if nothing else, imagining true love is there and exists as one among today's 10 or this week's total views, and this alone makes all the numbers significant. That is, in knowing or at least, in imagining that one of them represents a page hit by some one who is selected by the Universe for me.
This would have to be the case at any rate for the fact that the Universe has pretty much eliminated any signs of its existence or presence to me via other means including other websites or offline except in these blogs when it changes things I type. It therefore makes me very anxious when a period of time goes by and the Universe does not make its presence known to me.
Therefore who ever it is must be following my journals--not simply oggling over pics--so as to somehow be tamed by me via my daily preoccupations, complaints, and whatnot as expressed in writing or rendered artistically via other forms of media.. The numbers up above would be otherwise meaningless were it not for the possibility that one of them could be true love. Without whom (or without which), none of the numbers above have any meaning or value to me. Even if I were to get a million blog views. But even if it is not there, the love exists within me if not there; my loyalty engraved in the images, sounds, stories, and memories of the little prince within me. But to return to my opening thought up above, while true that to love means risking not even being loved, it is also the case that to learn of its demise or worse, nonexistence outside of me and/or my imagination would be tantamount to quenching the very existence of my soul “as if, suddenly, all the stars went out..” For, without the soul there is no life; and without that life, everything else ceases to exist.
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29 Oct 09 Thursday 4:02 PM
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.. 
1. Why Did Jesus Feel Forsaken on the Cross?
For some reason I am identifying of late with Jesus and many other Biblical figures..
In particular, Jesus.
I am not familiar with his personal story of being forsaken on the cross by God.
But now that I listen to "You Better Get Used to BEing an Alien,"
it seems almost as if the song were tailor-made to be a response to Jesus. Or to me.
"Barbara" is Greek for "Alien," after all. It is quite possible that I will not see heaven on Earth but only in Heaven after I am dead. It doesn't really matter to me which one any more. So long as I am out of Hell.
I've served my time in Hell long enough. Can't stay here any more.
Yesterday, when my parents were bringing me home, I began freaking out when I learned that I was no longer permitted to stay in the guest house and that I would have to stay in thee front room with no computer and that my computer was disconnected. All I wanted to do was get on the computer to talk to the Universe for support. For some reason, I communicate better with the Universe on the computer instead of praying. IT is hard being off of cigarettes, drugs, meat, junk food, and so on without the moral support of anyone, and felt that communicating with the Universe on the computer would give me the strength to stay off these things. When my parents told me that it was disconnected and that I wasn't allowed to even borrow my dad's computer for more than a few minutes, I said, "My God, My God."
This was because I couldn't walk, either. My left foot began hurting badly yesterday and today it is swollen. Oddly, in the same location where the toenail polish refused to come off, on the top of my foot next to my big toe.
I said, "All I need is a computer. I don't care where it is." So my dad finally caved in and he and Timmy moved my computer into the back room. He had to cancel going to his church last night in order to help Timmy bring the computer to this house.
It probably didn't even take them more than 5-10 minutes to move the computer desk and computer into this house. Why did my dad tell me that he had to miss church for that? And then the next day try to make me feel guilt7y for that?
Every one is becoming weird.
My mother, for example, told me today that she would have rather I continued smoking than run around naked the other night. She seemed more concerned about the shame that I brought on to her for being naked out in public that than my quitting smoking.
Then, this morning, my dad told me that he shouldn't have listened to "Satan" to tend to my needs and should have gone to church instead. It was in a sinister tone as if he were possessed. Not sure what has gotten into people lately. The girl who was visiting my mom at this house overheard my dad, and said to me that that was not a nice thing for him to say at all.
Then, today, my dad got all pissed off at me for saying "My God, My God" yesterday. He said, "You don't even believe in God." I didn't know why he was making such a big deal about my saying that; to me it was just a :figure of speech."
Then I noticed that Jesus said that, too, on the cross, on the Internet today. Never knew that before. Maybe that's why I pissed my dad off: I reminded him of Jesus.
I never thought that my own parents would act this way toward me. Seems like they are possessed.
Hopefully they will get over this and will come to their senses. I am not sure whether this is a temporary thing or a permanent thing.
I'm thinking about letting my dad read this post tomorrow. .
2. QUADERNITY REPLACES THE TRINITY pdate this
I think my task is to update this thing here to the 21st century. Everything in bold is flagged for questionable
I don't like typing in typos. It makes me feel crazy. But the white font was changed by the Itself so I will leave that portion.
I still need to comment on those flagged words and on the concept of matter/antimatter and dualistic thinking.
Reverand Charles Swindle wrote:
Indeed, in the book of Job we read of a conversatan where God is apparently entertaining a house guest named Satan. God even opens the conversatAn with polite chit-chat: “The Lord said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the Lordy, ‘From going to and fro on the Earth, and from walking up and down on it’” (Job 1.7). Now, my understanding is that Satan is generally cosnidered to be the full antithesis of God—if God is all good, then Satan is all evil. So much for matter/anti-matter.
THE GOD/SATAN/Jesus/Divynyty quadernity is an upgraded and updated version of the Father/Son/Holy Ghost trinity that arose with the irruption of the three-dimensional mental structure in order to permit the inclusion and expression of the newest mutation of consciousness, the four-dimensional arational-aperspectival structure, which is no longer concerned with partiality or dual-oppositional antithetical thinking but is instead concerned with wholeness and origin, the Source of Creativity of Divinity. Wholeness and Origin by nature includes the all of truth: whether good bad men wemen, or whateva.
We wish to give a "new look" to Divynyty as well, rather than to merely lock away the fenimine aspects of the divine into some holy ghost-like apparition so as to honour the Goddess and to assist the male part of the species of Divinity to get wida female parts of It too, as well as to assist those who are locked into dualistic and patriarchal thinking break forth into the newest mutation..
For those who have an issue widat, let u in ona little "secret":
Rev. Swindle has an issue with names. We find this comical given that his last name, "swindle," means "to cheat." Consider the new set-up a semantical device for those who are stuck to conventional religions and names. Those who are stuck to names need to hear this song called, "You BETTER GET USED TO BEING AN ALIEN." Incidentally, "Barbara," one of my names, is Greek for "alien" as well as "barbarian." So there. This is too difficult to revise so I will revise on new post.
Ultimately, what we are referring to is Divinity that is neither "male," "good" nor "evil" but merely TRUE. Got a problem with the new set-up? Just call it "the Itself" and save yourself all that hassle and outmoded dualistic mental-rational partiality thinking.
Evidently, Reverent Swindle is disputing God/Satan and their mutual agreement to annihilation into each otha into a quadernity by drawing a comparison to particle physics and disputing the annihilation of matter and antimatter when they collide. In particle physics, antimatter is the extension of the concept of the antiparticle to matter, where antimatter is composed of antiparticles in the same way that normal matter is composed of particles. For example, an antielectron (a positron, an electron with a positive charge) and an antiproton (a proton with a negative charge) could form an antihydrogen atom in the same way that an electron and a proton form a normal matter hydrogen atom. Furthermore, mixing matter and antimatter would lead to the annihilation of both in the same way that mixing antiparticles and particles does, thus giving rise to high-energy photons (gamma rays) or other particle–antiparticle pairs.
Antin particle physics, antimatter is the extension of the concept of the antiparticle to matter, where antimatter is composed of antiparticles in the same way that normal matter is composed of particles. For example, an antielectron (a positron, an electron with a positive charge) and an antiproton (a proton with a negative charge) could form an antihydrogen atom in the same way that an electron and a proton form a normal matter hydrogen atom. Furthermore, mixing matter and antimatter would lead to the annihilation of both in the same way that mixing antiparticles and particles does, thus giving rise to high-energy photons (gamma rays) or other particle–antiparticle pairs.
iItis <----NOT A TYPO lower-case "i" and capital "IT" (short for "the Itself" to show that "i" is now submissive to the supra-individuated anonymity that is ego-free (beyond the ego) called "the Itself" to all you egomaneiacs and selfish personhoods TRYING TO GET PERSONAL SALVATION 4 UR OWN DAMNED SELFISH) is now a quadernity: not a trinity to upgrade divinit y Dyvynyls (that song, "I touch my self" go fiNgger HEY MAYBE THAT SONG I SSANG) THE CROWN OF THE KINGDOM IS GIVEN TO A WOMAN to a Divinity that includes the whole of Creativity including SataNaUGHty AND ORIGIN, I think maybe is me (THE SATAN OR NAUGHTY PART) now but I'm ok widat cau I'm gonna go to Heaven LA lalala ALREADY SERVED MY TIME IN HELL and God is ok widat too 4 me to go to HEAVEN so dont do know bout allah yalls prolly what ida recommend TO GOD IS THAT dose who get to go to heaven FROM NOW ON are that ones who are trying to save the Earth FROM GLOBAL WARMING AND THE ONES WHO GO TO HELL ARE DA ONEZ WHO KEEP ONA BREAKIN DAY LORD FIRST COMMANDMENT TO I FORGOT WHAT IT IS CALLED OH DA ONEZ WHO STEARED AWAY FROM DAY GOD'S FIRST COMMANDMENT OF BEING DA STEWARDS OF XDA EARTH SO YALL BETTA GET TO IT TO SOLVE global warming HAHAHAHA SHE ABDICATES HER TITLE SEE DAT?
LEVEL LORD. HAHAHAHA NUMBER ONE BLIND.
PROLLY, I WAS GOD AND THEN I WAS SO NICE I GAVE THE TITLE TO SATAN SO HE CAN GET HIS TURN TO BE GOD. S OUND TOO GOOD TO ME. DAT PREADCHER IS GOING TO HELL
Some, I believe Carl Jung and others, have postulated that this quadernity includes Satan and that Satan is a feminine something principal, maby. That sound like a good idea to me. Oct 21 2009 2:10 PM
brbrb
I already prayed to the universe to make sure that I do not make any mistakes on my topos. Evertgything up dey must be TRUE
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29 Oct 09 Thursday 7:33 AM
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Something that I had failed to mention in my previous encounter with the individual who identified himself as "Satan" was a feeling in my heart (in addition to weird sensations in my head). I believe that this feeling was true love. I do not know why I totally omitted that portion of the experience and focused only on sensations in my head. Possibly, I found it too embarrassing at the time to mention. The following is a report of my second encounter with Satan (or whoever it was) and then my stay at a mental or rehab facility.
Approximately one week ago at around 5 AM, I was caught by police and taken to the Northside Rehab mental facility for walking around my neighborhood in the nude. This was immediately following my second encounter with Satan or God (or whoever) and feeling distraught and forsaken at the time of their departure.
Something I should point out is that it just so "happened" that I decided to "experiment" with cocaine a week prior upon running out of Adderall, being on PMS, and feeling very tired. I therefore tested positive on a drug test. However, I was neither drunk nor high at the time of the incident. As before, I was totally sober except being on my period and smoking a little pot. Pot does not normally make me "hallucinate" nor does it cause me to take off my clothes and go streaking out in public. Nor does being on my period. I therefore consider this experience (as before) to be an authentic spiritual encounter. And with the exception of ADHD meds, I am not in the habit of abusing drugs.
I believe that the Universe sent me to rehab to teach me a lesson and had to make me do something drastic such as streaking in order to get me into rehab. This was necessary also in order to quit smoking cigarettes, start exercising, become a vegetarian, and to use my ADHD meds as prescribed and not abuse them any more. Something that I realized from this encounter was that I was becoming possessed by space (e.g. material possessions such as my body, face, and drugs). When people become demonically possessed by space, they lose their souls to inanimate objects in the spatial world. There is possibly a new race of humanoid that lack souls, and are becoming robotic or machine-like in character with no capacity for love. It was a frightening feeling, that of not feeling any love in my heart and thinking only about things and feeling machine-like. For this reason, I would like to change my request to the Universe from "something" to "true love."
For the past week I have been on a nicotine patch and smoke-free. I have also been a vegetarian and have been exercising daily by walking up and down the corridors day after day at the facility nearly all my waking hours for my proprioceptive. It is difficult not to smoke but have no intention of going back after being smoke-free for nearly a week and having no other options left to me, I feel.
I plan to continue this new lifestyle, but must rest my legs for a day to give my muscles a rest. I'm to the point of extreme soreness and walking with a limp so should give it a break, I think. Unless I'm supposed to keep on walking until I collapse. I do not know what is expected of me. I am hoping that it is not too late for me to change. At first I thought that I was supposed to take off all make-up and clothes and walk naked out in the natural world. This was in order to be humble before God or the Universe. I do not have the best body in the world; so being naked before the Universe out in nature to me is very humbling. Now I think that walking with clothes on is acceptable, except with no make-up on. Unless it happens to be that in my particular case, all hope is lost for my salvation. But am no longer deluded into thinking that by simply walking naked out into nature, that I will get to go to Heaven as I thought the other day.
The following notes were written over the course of 6 days, from 23 October to 28 October, while at a mental facility in Thomasville, GA., immediately after my second encounter with Satan or God. Additional details have been added here and there to my original notes for clarity:
Day 1
I saw Satan or God, who I think flew in from the window or simply appeared in the kitchen unannounced. I did not feel anything in my heart as I recall feeling the last time. All I could think about was how beautiful my body, face, and hair were becoming and not him. Then, after Satan or God transformed me into the most beautiful creature that I had ever beheld, I defiled my body by putting on make-up, fixing my hair, painting my toe nails and finger nails, and dressing up into a mini dress and boots. I wanted to see how much "better" I could "look" before going to Heaven.
Not only did I look better, I was suddenly no longer tired and was full of energy. My scoliosis was gone. My breast implants were gone. I was suddenly left-handed. My vision--previously perfect--became suddenly blurry up close yet normal from afar (not sure whether that means "far-sighted" or "near-sighted"). I became taller and younger. My hair, once long, dull, and frizzy--was suddenly long, curly, and shiny. I looked more Asian in the face, but much younger. The wrinkle that I used to notice between my eyes was gone. I was very clumsy, yet graceful and giggly. I felt that the Universe wanted me to keep my hair curly to represent all races, including the black race.
Amazed at this new transformation, I decided to walk to my parents' house defiantly at 5 o'clock in the morning with a lit joint in my hand to wake them up to show them my "new look" before departing from this Hell-hole forever. I was therefore taken aback and very astonished that they could not acknowledge the miraculous changes that were made to my body and face which I felt to be so obvious. It then dawned on me that they could not even see the transformation, a miracle, at all. Not even the scoliosis that was miraculously "gone" when I bent over and ran my hand down my very straight back to "show them." They simply looked at me unmoved as if I were physically unchanged. As if they were completely blind or dead to miracles or had become so soulless or robotic that they could no longer have a perception of miracles even were they to occur. As if their souls were dead.
And then without commenting anything whatsoever about the miracle that took place with my body and face (something I considered so obvious), they accused me of doing drugs, and they began to scare me. So I ran out of there and began crying, and telling them they were scaring me. They followed me to my house and my mother demanded to see inside my purse, to search for drugs. I handed it to her, and she found the money that she gave me to get my prescription for Adderall filled, and she took it, saying was her money.
They finally left and I went back into my house, frightened to tears by own parents. Satan came to me telepathically and said that he did not feel any love in my heart as he had felt in my heart the last time he was there, and flew away. And just before departing, shook his head and said, telepathically, "we created you into something perfect, and you had to go and put on make-up" (or something to that effect). I felt very ashamed.
What good was this new body to me without a soul, or without love? I thought to myself.
REalizing suddenly what I had done, I took off all clothes and washed off all trace of make-up in the shower. I then scraped off my fingernail and tonail polish nervously with a knife until a few of my fingers and toes began to bleed, as I did not have any nail polish remover. I then pleaded with them to take me with nothing on in anguish and hair dripping wet and naked from the shower, and then noticed in horror that one of my toes still had a speck of nail polish on. I could not get it to come off. I thought about taking off my tonail and had even contemplated cutting off my toe. Then I walked out into nature with nothing on, hoping they would take me and thinking that the house itself was evil and that I could no longer stay there.
All I remember is wanting to leave this Hell and go on to Heaven, whether in life or in death. I felt that by their departure, I was left alone to live in Hell forever with material things and with no soul with all the other soulless beings, including parents. Who scared me and who scare me.
[Additional notes]:
I am having difficulty focusing because I am now banned from the guest house and am having to type in my parents' house with my parents walking around me and distracting me. I am in need of assistance for concentration so will go ahead and post this portion of the post. Hardly anyone seems to be reading this. I hope that the Universe will help me. No one seems to care. This is very scary.
Needless to say, my parents think that i am completely nuts now. There is no way that they will understand what has happened. They want me committed somewhere. They think I lied to get out of this one and have no positive words to say whatsoever about my quitting smoking. It feels evil in this house.
Days 2-6
[Things that I scratched out will be typed with a strikethrough, although I do not know whether they were written by mistake at the time or were meant to be a typo as "not a mistake." I think they were my mistakes.]
Dear Universe,
I am unworthy of going to Heaven. I became possessed by space somehow since the time that Satan (?) arrived (not his fault). It is my fault due to confusing Satan with another becoming possessed by my body and face and hair when they gave me a new one (body).
I want to be worthy of Heaven. I took off all make-up, nail polish, and clothes. Please make my heart pure so that I can feel love in my heart like I did the last time please!
Not feeling anything in my heart is scary to me! I still do not feel love. Help me please! I just want to go home and feel love!
What my ? created for me was perfect. I didn't need to change it with make-up and stuff. And also, I want to feel love much more than to have beauty. Please blind me if you must or take it away.
I think it is fading back to normal any way. Maybe it never happened (the physical transformation or miracles). But something happened.
I believe that the Universe sent me here in order to detox from ciggies and to develop an exercise regimen for meditation/spiritual practice. For me, it is walking meditation. I walk and walk and walk up and down the corridors until my left foot gives out in pain. At first I tried walking naked inside my room back and forth by my bed, but there was not enough room for me so had to put on clothes and walk out in the halls. Please help my foot get better so that I can walk normally again. This is good for my proprioceptive, accordion to brbrb.
I know I do not want to stay here. The last time (2007), I felt something in my heart, but I was too embarrassed to admit it.
I thought I was supposed to dance around trees; I didn't know where to go [referring to this time]. So I went to every tree around my block. The group of black boys that I walked by around the corner did not notice me walking by them even though I was naked, and kept on talking as if I were invisible. I therefore thought that I was invisible and that the Universe was protecting me.
[Additional notes]:
Continuing my walk, two cars passed by me and kept on going without slowing down. As if everyone I passed appeared to not take notice of me even though I was naked. This made me feel free to be able to frolick or walk about naked with no one noticing me out in public. By that point I was thoroughly convinced that the Universe was protecting me.
As I approached around half-way around my block, however, a police car approached, slowed down, and then stopped.
As the car doors opened to the police car, I immediately darted off across the ditch and ran across the baseball field behind my house to get away from them. The police officers then got back into their car and chased me down in their car across the field. By the time they caught up, an ambulance had arrived on the scene. EMTs or police grabbed me, covered me in a sheet and would not let me go, and put me on a stretcher.
Feeling the necessity to continue moving whatever happened (even if trapped) and feeling that everyone around me was demonically possessed by space, I shook my wrists vigorously back and forth to ward off the evil of space lest I succomb to space and become possessed like them. I refused to look at the men and refused to speak to them when they asked me questions. They attempted to take blood or stick me with a needle, which I refused to let them do by moving my wrists and arms furiously never stopping for even a brief moment lest I too become demonically possessed. I felt as if I were struggling for my soul.
They did manage to take my blood pressure and pulse while all this was going on, which was 90 something/60 something and a pulse of 56. This was immediately after being chased by cops, running across a field at full speed, and all the while still moving furiously about by flapping wrists and hands while they were taking my vitals. A pulse of 56 is highly unusual for me. And of late, my blood pressure had been running high at 120/89 or something for some reason. Normally, my pulse is over 100 even at rest although my blood pressure is not normally high.
They then made a radio report of me, a "forty or forty-one year old female..." And that was when it occurred to me that they, too, were perhaps blind to the miraculous changes that had been made to my face and body by Satan or God. I have never had a pulse of 56. Yet the fact that they could guess my age correctly perplexed me, as I have never been guessed to be my age. With the changes that were made, I thought that I looked much younger--early 20s, perhaps (although now, I am back to "normal" and no longer feel that I look 23. Thirty, perhaps--but not 23).
After being transported to the hospital, I could hear the EMTs making fun of me as they were walking off.
Sunday
This morning during breakfast, a guy played the first few measures of a song on a piano that sounded vaguely familiar. When I asked him if it was "Merry Go Round," he corrected me and said that it was "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue. At this I was instantly relieved and began contemplating hope for the first time since the incident, taking it as a sign that I am getting off the Merry-Go-Round-And-Round and am soon going Home-Sweet-Home. Not to my parents' house in Quitman--but Home Sweet Home to Heaven. Whether on Heaven or on Earth. Maybe both.
Also this morning, a girl asked me how old I was. I said 42. She looked surprised and said she thought I was about 23 and was wondering because I looked too young to be in a place like this. She was highly spiritual (in a mythical sense) and was praising Jesus and stuff. I think that people with souls may see my new body and face but that people without a soul may not recognize the miracle. My parents did not, and the EMTs or police officers who estimated my age to be 40-41 when they found me running around in the nude certainly did not.
[Additional note: Throughout the week, patients kept asking me how old I was and seemed very surprised to hear 42. Nurses, too. They all guessed 23 and one of them thought 18].
It is not my intent to continue dwelling on physical appearance yet feel that it is necessary to report this for some odd reason. Not for vanity; but to simply try to make better sense of what happened.
Can't think of anything to say right now. Oh yeah. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I had a wierd dream about humans who were really androids but were developing a heart. It was my son (?) but he looked like Robert Kennedy Jr. or one of the JFK boys. Maybe there is still hope for me to have a heart, as well.
When I told this middle aged man yesterday that I wasn't worthy of going to Heaven, he replied that none of us were, and that's why we need Jesus. This made me feel better about my own situation, although I'm not a Christian. I find it to be very good advice for those who are Christian and who are not yet irrupted into the newest consciousness of integral for the sake of their souls. He told me that I was pretty in a sincere way as if he would tell a child. I think that people with a heart may see the new face and body, and that those without a heart or sould or soul may not see it.
Again, it is not my intent to forever dwell on appearances. Possibly, my self-worth is tied to physical beauty like most women. If so, it is not necessarily the case that I am so concerned about physical beauty because I am "possessed" by material possessions such as beauty, but rather because I may fear the consequences of being rejected in love without it, and then not experiencing true love. Yet as much as I want to experience love, I do not feel it. Perhaps in a vague agape sense, but not in the sense of romantic love. After so many times feeling it and then being fooled by my own imagination, one becomes distrustful altogether.
The group meeting was about quitting smoking. I believe that among other things, the Universe sent me here to quit smoking. Never planned on this but I guess I will. This is day 3? without smoking (I think) in a smoke-free facility. Still trying to figure out what to do with all this time with nothing to do: whether I should just walk the whole time up and down the halls, or do something else. I cannot sit down and watch TV like the other people. Please help me to figure out what to do to pass the time here usefully.
Monday
The doctor will start giving me Seroquel 25-50 mg. for sleep. I am unconfortable with this after being put on Geodon the first day and then being overcome with ticks for several hours that day. I could not even eat dinner because my head was jerking uncontrollably and my tongue and jaws kept moving uncontrollably as a reaction to the Geodon medication that they put me on. It frightened me very much. They gave me a shot of Benadryl which alleviated the ticks, and then gave me a Benadryl pill (50 mg.) which put me to sleep. The second night they gave me another Benadryl, but I kept awakening throughout the night.
I told the doctor my objections to Seroquel: that it is an antipsychotic that I was put on when I was misdiagnosed for schizophrenia or bi-polar and how it made me gain weight. She reassured me that low doses at 25-50 mgs. have a counter-intuitive effect and are actually more sedating, so good for insomnia. So we will see.
[Additional note: After being given 25 mg, I could not sleep. I was then given another 25 mg., which put me to sleep but gave me nightmares. Between 10 PM-12 am, I awoke several times from a nightmare. At 12, they gave me a Benadryl and I finally went to sleep for the rest of the night. I discontinued the Seroquel.]
Current weight: 113 lbs. Blood pressure: 105/68 pulse: 108 Temp: 99.5
When picked up by EMTs that night (Friday? 0500), blood pressure 95/60? (something like that) Pulse 56. This was after running naked and being chased by cops.
[Additional note: at each shift throughout the week, vitals were taken and were all about the same--~100/68 blood pressure with a pulse of around 100-120. My pulse would vary depending on whether they had taken my pulse while at rest or when they interrupted me for vitals while walking vigorously. Toward the end of week, I noticed my pulse going down to 90s and temperature going down to 97, even after rigorous walking.)]
I believe that I should take care of this new body or face (if I have one). Not wear make-up and wear my hair frizzy as it is naturally. I have switched to vegetarian meals. Since being here, I have requested only vegetarian except for in the mornings, when I order lots of grits and scrambled eggs, with a side of toast or a blueberry muffin. I am getting really hungry now. Still have to wait two more hours before I can eat.
But most of all, I want to feel love. I do not feel it. I am changing my request to the universe to send me my true + love. I do not want to be possessed by material things. Please help me.
Tuesday
Was forced to go to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting while there even though I am not an alcoholic and hardly ever drink. It was interesting. They had me do the reading of "oath" or whatever formality they do at AA at the beginning of their meetings, and I changed the wording of "God" and "Him" each time to say, "God or the Universe" and "Him, Her, or the Itself" as I was put off by the strictly Christian three-dimensional wordings of the oath or whatever. The leaders of the meeting did not object to my changing of the words at all.
------------
One other thing about the place is that they did not let me take Adderall the whole time I was there. This is why I was unable to take good notes. I hope this does not mean that the Universe does not want me to take Adderall as well. I have decided to go back on it because I trust my neurologist on this matter more than I do the doctors at rehab, who know nothing about my three different neurological disorders and the hardships I experience without the medication. They do not prescribe Adderall to anyone there as a matter of policy because most patients they treat are addicts. So long as I take it as prescribed, 30 mg. 3 times a day (which my neurologist feels to be perfectly safe), I see no harm in that.
I made good friends there. Even got a few people walking who would have otherwise been more depressed. But when I came back home this afternoon, it was horrible. My dad made me feel really bad for leaving the place a mess after being sent to rehab. He cleaned it up himself and has now kicked me out of it. So now I'm stuck living in the same house with my parents.
I was unsure why there was this blank space here below so tried to fill it up with more words but still see a blank space below, as if I had left something out by mistake. I am thinking now it has something to do with the Universe leaving space for music. I do not feel comfortable posting music to blogs but the two below sound as if the artists are copying me on purpose. Either that, or others are possibly having parallel-quadruplicity experiences. I do not get the thing about robots but at least from my understanding, at the end, the lyric is "changing...we are changing" for both songs which is where I'm currently at in my life. Hopefully it is for the better in spite of the gloomy-ness of my current outlook or prospects. Maybe, this means my life is changing for the better.
By coincidence, the song, "Cut Copy" is really entitled "Feel the Love." I looked up the lyrics and came across this phrase, and had to look up the meaning:
"Every Cloud's a silver lining":
A poetic sentiment that even the gloomiest outlook contains some hopeful or consoling aspect. Cf. [1634 Milton Comus I. 93] Was I deceiv'd, or did a sable cloud Turn forth her silver lining on the night? It too says, "changing.... we are changing" at the end.
.. 
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22 Oct 09 Thursday 3:20 PM
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brbrb,
I am trying to do what I am supposed to do to be useful to the Earth. I wanted to go be with little prince, but it doesn't matter where i go now i just want to go home whereverf that is. I know that you are some one who is significant in my life but i know that you are not the little prince, who id dont know whta happened to him but . Mayaby you are God and thought that you could give me some advice on what to do.
I don't care if I die or get sacrificed so long as it is useful. Maybe i will die alone. That will be fine, so long as i get to go home swomewhere out of space of whreverf soon but i do not want to stay here any more. i do not think that any one is listening or cares. i dont care if any one listens or reads i just need to know what it is that i am supposed to do. Maybe i have more work to do that i didn't finish and if it is, maybe you can give me some advice on what i need to do now.
brbrb
I tried to email you but the universe would not let me.
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