I had such a long day today, really, it started yesterday.  I woke up especially early so that I could hang out with my BF.  He said he was going to pick me up around noon or one, but I should have known better, he always has a plan.

I spent the morning getting ready.  I washed my hair, shaved my legs, etc., so that we could try to experience sensuality, it's different than sexuality.  After I got ready, I tried to stay as calm as I possibly could... I don't like waiting, and I don't like to be late.  He had business to take care of, so I tried to not kill the battery on his phone by calling him to tell him how annoyed I was, rather, I just was assured in knowing that he has a plan.  That makes me comfortable. 

Anyway, by the time he got here, it was almost sunset.  YaY!!  We went for a ride on the bike, in traffic.  I have a playlist that I listen to, I love it!  I never really paid much attention to Kanye West, I just kinda listen to him, but when I'm in traffic, I listen.  The lights of the candy-striped road flickered as we sky-rocketed our way through, and I was so entranced that I almost forgot to look at the sky.  The sky was a warm, not too flashy, not too mute, pink, that matched the color of my choice, low-cut hiking boots. 

I don't want to give all of it away, but it all was just for me.  I like when traffic is slow and then Beyonce comes on singing "Green Light," and then suddenly traffic clears the way for us to "Go! Go! Go!"  My "Moto" playlist helps program, or rather, re-program, the way I think.

I had a great night, but when I awoke this morning, life had changed a little more, and things felt a little more personal.  I happened to see the news today of all days to watch, and there's a massacre at Ft. Hood.  I don't know why after I've written my words about not being afraid or scared, there has to be a massacre in a place that would shout its name out to me.  I'm not here for play, it's on me to change the world... Kanye, "Stronger."  Sounds like they're calling me out.  I felt emotional.  I felt overwhelmed with anger, despair, sorrow, and fear for what's to come.  People are not prepared, not mentally, not phyiscally. 

I have to do something.  "I'm doing a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY,"  sings Ludacris.  If I'm going to be the one who leads the revolt, then I have to be strong, and fearless.  I can't worry about what people will say of me, I've already deduced that that will kill me the fastest.  I have a mission to re-write, or add-on, to the new  "Revisionist History." --Aaron Joseph Hopson.  If we want the world to know what our time is like right now, then we have to document it right now.  Am I the only one who gets that?  Everyone needs to get it through their think ass skulls that the fight is not over.  The saying goes "it's always darkest before dawn," we have yet to see the dark, why do we think we're entitled to dawn?  And anyway, the book is not going to write itself.  ;-)

If I've ever had anything I have always had a plan... now it's time to work on execution.  I got this.  This is the biggest challenge yet... I'm so up for it.

I'm out for now, I haven't slept.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I wake up tomorrow, if I even wake up at all.  I don't know where my head is right now, I feel manic, but I know for sure that I'm ready to disappear.  "Poof." and I'm out. 

I swear I have dreams of living where no person can find me, except for my son.  I just want my own private utopia.  I don't like people.  LoL.  I would like for instead of my place without people being in my head, I would like it to be in my reality.  I just need some place that I can go to, to escape the World.   

I have to keep telling myself to take deep breaths.  I get so caught up in it that I forget to breathe.  I don't worry... it makes my hair fall out and my nose bleed.  I'm tired of that.  I want to go to my private sanctuary where no person causes me stress.  Stress will kill me. 

On an unrelated note, I can feel my brain functioning.  I don't really care if people think I'm crazy, opinions don't matter to me anymore.  People are pissed off.  LoL.  SAY WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOTTA SAY!!!  ...say it loud, and to my face...  It's really that simple, if it isn't important enough for you to discuss with me, then it isn't important enough for me to discuss with you.  I'm not going to allow myself to get caught up on the emotional bullshit anymore. 

ONE muthafuckin' person out of many asked me about my health, we haven't spoken in six years or so.  I was touched, because when I'm at the hospital, half of the time, nobody even knows.  I don't tell anybody usually.  I don't want attachments... I want people who know me enough, to know that I can take care of myself, but will call every hospital to find me, when they haven't heard from me.

I'm not insincere, wish some people could look at it from my perspective, but I'm okay with the person that I am... whoever has a problem with it, has the problem, not me.  If I've tried to give you an apology, but you won't even speak to me to accept it, then well, I'm supposed to do... what? 

I'm getting so sick of people thinking that I don't care because I don't ask how they're doing, or how they're kids are doing... if you want me to know, JUST FUCKING TELL ME... don't wait for me to ask.  When I want you to know what's going on with me, I tell you... I blog about it, I call you up, respond to a photo, leave a comment, send an email, write you a song, YouTube a video about it, if I had a car I'd probably show up at your door.... just because I'm not talking about what you want to hear right now, doesn't mean that I won't ever. 

I bounce back and forth, it's confusing to me.  I was in the place that I write about in my blogs, between the Sun and the Moon... so fuck everybody who has a problem with me.  Take me or leave me the fuck alone, it's really that simple.  A good portion of my alters don't care.  LoL.  WE DON'T CARE!!  I find myself trying to edit them sometimes. 

I was between the Sun and the Moon, bouncing back and forth between them, one a place of extreme warmth and the other cold, and not in my mind or manner, in my reality.  That was HUGE to me.  It was truly breathtaking, I was happy that I had my BF, and Jill Scott singing "Breathe," reminding that I actually had forgotten to breathe... I really do forget to breathe sometimes... that will kill you too, they call that one "cardio arrest... heart attack."

I could have been travelling through time for all anybody knows...  LoL.  The pictures that I took of me, with myself, in a mirror, are lost on a non-working hard drive, and now I'm living in the picture that once hung on my bedroom wall.  I'm starting to feel like since my dreams are becoming reality, working in my sleep is the right idea.  I don't know how long this will last, but I fully intend on enjoying every moment, if people around me don't want to figure out how to enjoy it with me... then, BYE!!!  LoL.  Seriously.

I don't think I will be holding my breath anymore... other people shouldn't either.  Either enjoy it for what it is, or don't enjoy it at all... it's a choice.  I had such a good weekend, that I have to ease myself back into communication.  LoL. 

I'm out.

I'm in a good place.  People keep getting mad at me because I keep trying to tell them that Heaven is on Earth.  I was losing a friend because she thought I was getting too preachy.   Yes, I get that sometimes, but I can't care about that.  Many people close to me are getting too caught up in the way the message is delivered, rather than just listening to the message.

I had it out with Trina, but we're both glad we had it out... that's how we know we're good friends.  We talk about what's bothering us about the relationship we have.  She is the most thoughtful person, she wrote down a list of things that was bothering her about the friendship.  That let me know that she cares about it too, makes me feel like she's in my corner, because she knows I'm in hers. 

It was dramatic, but I don't mind... we just cleared the way for us to have an even longer friendship.  I'm happy that we're growing together, rather than growing apart.  I'm happy about that.  She called me out.  I'm happy that she's keeping it real with me, and allowing me to keep it real with her.  We're "Road Dawgs," my son calls her "Aunt."

Anyway, I hadn't intended on blogging today, but since I am, I'll give you further proof of Heaven being on Earth.  My parents think that I'm crazy because I tell them that the birds communicate with me.  Well, yesterday after I finished blogging, I went outside and sat on the deck, eating a bowl of cereal, and a white dove flew overhead.

Now, I had started painting an image for my company last week, and I had left the background yellow.  I leave the paintings outside... some finches perched themselves on the railing to show me their orange feathers, as if to suggest that's the color missing from the picture.  I had been waiting on the BF to take me to get an unobstructed view of the Sunset, before I painted in the orange. 

I need to see color... the birds somehow know that.  I just think that even the birds are in my corner, and that feels like Heaven.

I'm enjoying my life, and I'm not going to worry about the rest.  For once, I am worried about seeing myself succeed, and not focusing as much attention on whether or not other people succeed.  This feels good to me.  We can all work together or we don't have to...  "I reach for the Stars, not for just what is right in front of me."  Quote me.

Latas.

What did I do for Halloween... wouldn't everyone like to know??  Not really?  Well, I didn't take pictures, and I didn't dress up... well, mostly, I was normal.  I went out for a ride on the bike with my BF, and we had a good time.  I'm glad he discouraged the wings this year.  I think this was the best Halloween ever.  LoL.  I don't need anything extra to remember the occasion.  And besides, the wings are already tattooed on my back.  ;-)

I feel like a fairy who's finally getting the opportunity to fly.  Y'all don't understand that this is what I was born to do, take "this" as whatever you want, but specifically, "flying." 

I mean, besides being on the back of the bike, zooming down the highway... which is in itself exhilarating, we had an aviation, "Fly Like A Bird" filled weekend.  On Saturday, we went to the model airplane park.  Seriously, the guy flying this one helicopter was ridiculous.  These were not like miniature model planes that you get from Radio Shack... just YouTube, or google or something...  STILL a girl and was only interested in it for about five minutes, but seeing it Live was definitely better than watching it on the internet.

We rode the curves between the Sun and the Moon.  I kept trying to see them both in the sky together, without having to look to either my left or my right.  It was as if the colors of day and night shared the same canvas, but not really at the same time, an optical illusion of sort... and I was in the middle.  I felt like we were on a mission, chasing the Sunset... I'm content with not catching it for a while.

By the end of the day, I was soooo exhausted that I thought to myself that I would probably benefit myself if I start doing Yoga on the Wii again.  My body was in so much pain.  I think I was asleep by ten thirty.

The next day, which I hadn't planned on, was just as great.  I went on one of my impulsive shopping sprees at Wal-Mart, but at least now I know that Kimora Lee Simmons does affordable.  She should pay me for that... and Wal-Mart too...

Anyway, we went to Santa Paula to an Airplane Museum.  I can see myself flying a plane.  LoL.  Amelia Earhart did...  My BF/tour guide was trying to tell me all of the intersting facts about the airplanes, but that part is difficult for me to grasp, I enjoy them for different reasons.  I don't have anything to relate the facts to, so they kinda go in one ear and out the other, however, I think I'm suppose to remember about the Piper.  :-) 

After the museum, we drove on a rode where I saw the Easth rise above the Sky, and they met right above the water.  It was the most beautiful thing ever.  I didn't take any pictures, so you'll just have to take my word for it.  ;-) 

Then we drove down the coast of Malibu, making our way back to my house.  We watched Zombieland online, but I somehow think he'd already seen it without me.  It's cool though, I was falling asleep.  It reminded me too much of my dream about the Valley of the Dead, even thought I heard a little bit of "Random Monday" in there, but it could just be my imagination...  I write this shit in my sleep, so I've decided to change the what on my to do list from writer, because I'm alredy that, to publiser... props to Stephanie Hicks, she has the right idea. 

I know who I am... I'm a businesswoman, I mean, if Miley Cyrus can do it...

Anyway, I'm tired... and bleeding, soooo...  I think I'm going to put on some movies and sleep for the rest of the day.  I can work in my sleep... I'm kick ass like that. 

Today I had an interesting conversation with one of my closest friends.  I was slightly disappointed to find out that she has no ambition whatsoever.  When I think about my future, I try to figure out how she'll fit in, maybe she won't.  This isn't one of my "friends," she's more like a family member, my son calls her "aunt."  I understand the Valley of the Dead now.  I love when my dreams become more clear to me.

I tried to be social today, my comp wasn't having it... sometimes I still don't know how I've come to be the Hermit, and coming out of it is ever so challenging.  I have no clue as to what to say to anybody anymore.  I live at home, and I barely even speak to the people that live here.  I'm just always in my head, and mostly I don't care for small talk.

I'm trying to reconnect with people, and I'm finding that I have to be the one who makes all of the effort.  I'm a little upset by that because no one goes out of their way to check on me.  Relationships take two people, yet I always seem to be carrying the weight.  Every time I relocate, I make new friends, sometimes I even bring along one or two of the old friends, but this time I'm thinking to myself that I should probably just let it all go.  I cry because I feel like I'm reaching out to people to help me figure out who I am, but really it just feels like I'm reaching into air.

I spend my days alone, even more so than I did when I lived in Long Beach.  I think I'm getting used to it, I complain less, I write in my business journal whenever I get new ideas, and since I'm not giving them away to other people...

I just keep telling myself that this is a phase, it has to be, because it's all new to me.  I'm content with thinking of all the possibilities life has to offer me, this isn't new, but I suppose it's been dormant in me for a while.  At this point, my dreams are so grandiose that they keep me awake at night.  I'm really just not sure how the people that I know, and am trying to reconnect with, fit in... maybe this is one I have to go alone.  I'm okay with that... most of the time.

I just feel extremely conflicted right now.  At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision about what I want.  I know what I don't want... I don't want to chase people around trying to get them to be on my team.  THAT AIN'T GON' HAPPEN.  I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone's negative energy, and I don't want to always have to be the first one to reach out.  I really think forgiveness is lost... seems like I'm the only one who knows what it means.  I know that can't be true, but it feels that way.

This situation that I'm in makes me miss P.  He truly cared about my well-being.  I could always count on him with his old-man wisdom for advice that would help me along with my sanity, even when he was giving me advice about my feelings for him.  LoL.  He just always made sure that I was okay, that's what I loved about him.  Sometimes I wish I could go back into time...

Anyway, I feel like I'm wallowing.  I'm always on some emotional roller coaster, it's actually called a biorhythm, but some times I feel like I linger at the bottom for a little longer than what is called for. 

All I need is me, and the belief that I can do anything... which I can, so I'm not going to waste much more time trying to figure out who's going to be a part of my life, the future will let me know when it gets here.

Latas.

Because I'm attempting to get my son's mind college bound and oriented for business, I have to make my mind the same way, because I lead by example.

I've had such a long run at LBCC, beginning from the time my son was ten months old, he's going to be sixteen next month.  We used to call him the community baby because all of my friends would watch him while I went to class, taking Business Law and Human Sexuality... remember that Christina???  Trina too.  LoL.  Trina and I would stay on the bus and head straight to the mall on some days.

Going to school and raising a child at the same time has been difficult, but I've managed.  Mostly, he's a good kid, he canread... so I'm proud of that, but I want him to leave his name on the world in a positive way, so that others may read about him even when he is gone.  Going to school, getting an education, and being intelligent are all things that are important to me... okay well, I don't really like school, but having paper means making paper.

I have a plan, it just gets modified a lot.  Let's just say it like this:  Which one of our favorite American composer's was a D average student?  And I'm not even that, although, that's the only grade I could ever seem to get in musicianship.  LoL.

Anyway, I'm still in the process, it's sloooooooooooowwwwww... it's been sixteen years in the making, and I still have more to do.  BUT I only have one more semester at LBCC!!  Yes, I will be complete... for real, for real, and moving on.  I'm SOOOOOOOO happy!  LoL.  I wonder if I can walk again??????

I will be one year into University life by the time my son gets there... that's all the time I need to make it look fun.  LoL.  Plus I need to go network.  ;-)

The point of this whole thing was because I was viewing my "unofficial transcripts," and it thought about how my grades mirrored my life.  Starting with young mother, when P left, and until now.  There's one more chapter.  I want EVERYONE to know about me, so here are my stats (with commentary... this goes out to my LBCC lifers.  ;-} ):



Unofficial Transcript
 
 
Long Beach City College
 
4901 East Carson Street
 
Long Beach, CA 90808
 
United States
 
Name      :  Shalena Hood
 
Student ID: 
 
Birthdate :  1976-06-21
 
Print Date   :  2009-10-26
 
                  - - - - -   Academic Program History   - - - - -
 
Program     :  Undergraduate
 
               1984-01-01 : Undecided Plan Concentration  (What?)
 

 
              - - - - -   Beginning of Undergraduate Record   - - - - -
 
                                      1994 Fall
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                         0.00 W (writing the new history)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
INDIS      10       Human Sexuality                   3.00     0.00 F (can you believe it??)
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
LAW        18A      Business Law                               0.00 W (this would've been useful)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000 (didn't try hard enough)
 

 
                                     1996 Spring
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                3.00     0.00 F (I guess I still didn't like it)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 (still not trying hard enough)
 

 
                                      1996 Fall
 
ENGL        1       Read & Composition                         0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH      110       1St Course Algebra                         0.00 W
 
PSYCH       1       Intro To Psychology               3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 ("Just raise the baby." Decided to go to cosmetology school)
 
                    Progress Probation 1
 

 
                                      2002 Fall
 
MUSIC       7AB     Elementary Voice                  2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      51A      Beginning Piano 1                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      84AD     Commercial Songwrit               2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      97AD     Tools Music Trade                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      8.50     8.50         34.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.957      CUM  TOTALS :     11.50     8.50         34.000 (and voila! I have work to do)
 
                    Progress Probation 2
 

 
                                     2003 Spring
 
COUNS       1       ORIENT FOR COLL SUC                        0.50 CR
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
HIST       10       HIST/EARLY AMERICA                3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (lazy, slacker... just some keywords)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G1
 
HLED        2       INTRO TO HEALTH ED                2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
MUSIC       1       MUSIC THEORY                      3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     MUSICIANSHIP 1                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000 Musicianshit.
 
MUSIC       8AD     ADVANCED VOICE                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC VIKING CHORALE               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      17AD     APPLIED MUSIC                     1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
MUSIC      51B      BEGINNING PIANO 2                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     DANCE AEROBICS                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     3.212      TERM TOTALS :     16.50    17.00         53.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.107      CUM  TOTALS :     28.00    25.50         87.000 (Look at my GPA now!!! LoL.)
 

 
                                     2003 Summer
 
PSYCH      10       HUMAN SEXUALITY                   3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted) (I even repeat classes in the summer. :-/)
 
SP         10       ELEM/PUBLIC SPEAKIN               3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A1
 
SP         60       ARGUMENT & DEBATE                 3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (one slacker class per semester)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : X2
 
         TERM GPA :     2.667      TERM TOTALS :      9.00     9.00         24.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.000      CUM  TOTALS :     37.00    34.50        111.000
 

 
                                      2003 Fall
 
LEARN      11       College Learnig Skill Workshop             2.00 CR
 
MUSIC       2       Music Theory                      3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
MUSIC       8AD     Advanced Voice                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
POLSC       1       Introduction to Government        3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G2
 
PSYCH       1       Introduction to Psychology        3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.833      TERM TOTALS :     18.00    20.00         51.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.945      CUM  TOTALS :     55.00    54.50        162.000 (WHO??? takes NINE classes in one semester????)
 

 
                                     2004 Spring
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra                      0.00 W (I had to slow it down)
 
MUSIC       4       Music Theory 3                    3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     Musicianship                      2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
SPAN        1       Elementary Spanish                5.00     5.00 A       20.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
         TERM GPA :     3.857      TERM TOTALS :     14.00    14.00         54.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.130      CUM  TOTALS :     69.00    68.50        216.000
 
                    Dean's Distinction (...it was ALL worth it. :-))
 

 
                                     2004 Summer
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra             4.00     4.00 B       12.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
         TERM GPA :     3.000      TERM TOTALS :      6.00     6.00         18.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.120      CUM  TOTALS :     75.00    74.50        234.000
 

 
                                      2004 Fall
 
ENGL      105       Fundamentals of Writing           4.00     4.00 A       16.000
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra                       0.00 W (I REALLY don't like math...)
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30A      Music Hist Antiquty to 1800       3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      40       Appreciation of Music             3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
SOCIO       1       Introduction to Sociology         3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D0
 
         TERM GPA :     3.235      TERM TOTALS :     17.00    17.00         55.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.141      CUM  TOTALS :     92.00    91.50        289.000
 

 
                                     2005 Spring
 
ANTHR      10       Magic, Witchcraft and Religion    3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D1
 
BIO        41       Contemprary Biology               3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B2
 
BIO        41L      Contemporary Biology Lab          1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B3
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition                      0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30B      Music History and  Literature     3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 C        2.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000 (ELEVEN COURSES!!! My ass is psycho...  LoL)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.800      TERM TOTALS :     15.00    15.00         42.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.093      CUM  TOTALS :    107.00   106.50        331.000 (Oh yeah... I graduated)
 

 
                                     2005 Summer
 
CBIS      206A      Navigating the Internet           1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.102      CUM  TOTALS :    108.00   107.50        335.000
 

 
                                      2005 Fall
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra              4.00     4.00 C        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     0.00 A
 
     Repeated     : 03 Illegal Repeat (Grade/Units Denied)
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      21AD     LBCC Viking Women's Choir         1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     2.727      TERM TOTALS :     11.00    11.00         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    119.00   118.50        365.000
 

 
                                     2006 Spring
 
ASTR        1       Elementary Astronomy                       0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B1
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition             3.00     3.00 D        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                            0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                             0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     1.750      TERM TOTALS :      4.00     5.00          7.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.024      CUM  TOTALS :    123.00   123.50        372.000 (I think this was when P left)
 

 
                                     2006 Summer
 
ART        35AD     Jewelry/Metalsmithing 1                    0.00 W
 
ART        15       Beginning Drawing                 3.00     0.00 F
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.952      CUM  TOTALS :    126.00   123.50        372.000
 

 
                                      2006 Fall
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.961      CUM  TOTALS :    127.00   124.50        376.000
 

 
                                     2007 Spring
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      2.00     3.00          8.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.977      CUM  TOTALS :    129.00   127.50        384.000
 

 
                                     2009 Spring
 
ART        23       Beginning Painting                3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
ENGL       26       Creative Writing 1                         3.00 CR <--why I didn't have to do as much work as everyone else. ;-)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
MUSIC      50AD     Perform Showcase Ensemb Wrksh     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
TART        1       Acting 1-Intro to Acting          3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
TART       51AD     Theatre Forum                     0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      7.50    10.50         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.033      CUM  TOTALS :    136.50   138.00        414.000 (after all is said and done, I'm STILL weighing in with a B average.)
 

 
                                     2009 Summer
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   4.00     4.00 A       16.000 (AND I passed math WITH an A!!)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
MUSIC      80AD     City Jazz Big Band                1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      5.00     5.00         20.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
Undergraduate Career Totals
 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
                    - - - - -   Non-Course Milestones   - - - - -
 
Certificate of Accomplishment - Applied Music Instructor <--The paper says I can do it... so bite me.
 
    Milestone Status: Not Completed <---This is why I'm STILL there... that's all.
 
            12/2004
Unofficial Transcript


I'm proud of myself after reviewing this.  Not that I didn't already know what I'm capable of, seeing it in writing puts it into perspective.

Anyway, I'm tired... gonna go try to make some red velvet cupcakes.  Yum.

Latas, hatas...

The two games that I need to be playing right now are Bejeweled Blitz and Mobsters.  Perhaps YoVille as well, since I'm trying to connect/reconnect.  Bejeweled Blitz gets my brain into sorting/organizing and think fast mode, I try to make sure I'm at or above the $150,00 per week.  Mobsters gives me that "ride or die" attitude... something that I need right now.  My class on Mobster is "Mogul," that's about right, my income is $3,000,000 per hour, and I up until about ten minutes ago, I had under a hundred mob members.  My stats are pretty impressive for the size of my mob... all that let's me know is that I can do it all by myself.

Anyway, since I've laid my foundation, now it's time to start building my empire.  I've never been more serious about anything in my life.  I'm taking into consideration who people are to me.  I want everyone to come to terms with who they think I am right now, because I refuse to carry around anybody's negative baggage.  It's not going to happen.  If you don't like me... STEP!  Everyone is fooled... thinking that I'm desperate for friends.  I'm not, I'm figuring out who I'm taking with me on my journey and which people I will cut loose.  Some of the cuts will be hurtful, but I'll get over it,  I'm not the one severing the ties.  I need to find out who I can trust, who's gonna be down for me... as I have been for them, and who would put a knife in my back at the first moment they received.

I'm not tolerating anyone not mentally strong enough to handle the whispers, because where I'm going, they don't whisper.  That's why I'm here, in L.A., to regain my strength, while maintaining my dignity. 

I just remembered... I have no respect for the weak (Mobsters mentality).  Long Beach refined my rough edge, but I let myself get too soft.  I have so much to get off of my chest.  BLAH.  I see things clearly, I know where I'm going.  I don't want to find myself surrounded by disbelievers when I get there, those people turn into, if they aren't already, haters... backstabbers.  I need to know how to sort and organize the people in my life, everyone needs to go into a category, and I need to find out where people belong in my life, if at all.  I'm usually looking for people to fit into the family category, but half of the time, I don't even want family in the family category.  LoL.  I have friends, I think, but I'm finding that out right now.  I need to know, because when it comes down to it, I've already given people what I have to offer... my love and support, and some get it far beyond the scope of what others are given. 

I think I just lost another one.  The friend that I stayed with for two months, whose daughter I helped heal when she was sick, whose food I would buy just because she's a single mother with two children... oh, it's emotional, don't misunderstand, but it doesn't make or break me.  Clearly, I've ever only been her hairstylist, not her friend... sooooo.  LoL.  Yeah, it's emotional because, I've only ever served my purpose, and then when I learn that I've served my purpose for someone who doesn't even appreciate it, well I just kinda feel let down.  I guess that part that I did wasn't good enough. 

This reminds me of the other friend who let me down a couple of months ago at her daughter's party.  Same thing, me serving my purpose, helping her with food her children, spent $1,000 on her now 5yr old daughter's baby shower, other things that need not be mentioned... she didn't need my help with anything financial, she has a big family who support one another.  She turned on me too.  Whatever.  These are people that I met in Long Beach, not that that has everything to do with it, but I can't discount the Long Beach part.

This is why I always say I don't have any friends.  Did I go far off topic???  I can't tell anymore.  My mentality has changed... I LOVE those!!  Right now, all I can think about is my mogul status.  I'm not really looking for fame, that'll come by default... that's why all of the alias.  I do a lot for people, some who don't even know my real name, but that's how you know.  "Ain't nobody raised no fool up ova here."

It isn't just me and the people that I want/don't want in my life that are being tested, the whole world is being tested.  No, I don't believe that the world is coming to an end, but the world as we know it, is ending.  The way to get into the new society is by charitable works... and not for show, or for the belief that you'll end up in a better place in the next life, but because you end up in a better place in this life, within yourself.  I think I say this all the time, but no one listens.  I lose my voice when no one listens, it's all good though, I'm not going to lose me.  This stuff is in the Bible, there are just tons of people misinterpreting it.  It's really pretty basic, but as I've been finding out lately, people are dumb.

Anyway, I've cried and now I'm letting it go.  I have no time to worry about people, I'm now trying to concern myself with making my money.  This gonna be so much fun.

I'm out SLITCHES!!

Sometimes I just get so fed up with all these negative people surrounding me.  I can't grocery shop in peace for people spewing their negativity at me.  I'm like, "really, how old do have to be before you get a clue??"  My grandmother has been here since she was nine years old, she's seventy-five now, and I'm not sure if she gets it yet, so I don't know...

I can feel the negativity seeping its way into me.  At first I would never say anything to people who talked shit to me, and I'd still carry it with me, but now, I have words of my own.  I just feel like I'm turning into one of them... someone who is negative, someone who is so unhappy with herself that she resorts to trying to make other people unhappy as well.  I'm actually good at talking shit... too good.  It isn't fun to me anymore, but I'm not going to hold my tongue anymore either.

Anyway, this is too much energy given to it, but I had to get it out of my system.

Latas.

...that all that paper, i.e. diplomas, certificates, and awards... translates to paper, as in dollars.  It's time to put it all to use.

...it's been difficult because I've always considered myself a part of the "Loner Collective," I would just rather be alone... or have perhaps, one or two, really close friends who understand that I really just want to be left alone, except for when I don't.

Mostly, I'm not needy.  I'm usually trying to get people to work together as a team so that everyone can benefit.  I'm not afraid to be a group leader, but you can only lead horses to water...  As much as I love telling people what they can do to ameliorate themselves, it's time for me to focus on me.

It's test time, for everybody.  It's time to re-evaluate how I fit into people's lives, and how I allow people to fit into mine, as well.  I've spent soooo much time trying to be a help to everyone I know, in some way or another, that I've forgotten to help myself.  I've finally been gifted with the help that I need to help make me a success... so if y'all don't mind, I would like to spend time worrying about that, rather than what other people are doing.  However, I'm not egocentric, merely eccentric, and I hope you understand.

I've been having such a difficult time keeping it to myself... I swear, but when you don't really have anyone to talk to...  LoL.  I've resorted to using good old fashioned pen and paper.  I use it as a business journal. 

I had so many frustrations piled on me all in one day, the other day, that I nearly broke down, well I did, but I recovered... and now I'm good.  Nothing, as usual, went my way.  I ended up walking up the hill to get home because I didn't have busfare to get back (that's another misadventure in itself)... and let me tell you, that heffa is arduous.  I nearly broke down in tears half way up, and since I don't really know all of the streets here, I didn't know which way I was supposed to go.  Fortunately, I have a GREAT sense of direction.  I didn't turn down any streets that would have caused me to walk any farther than I already had to. 

I was proud of myself, I didn't give up.  Anyway, who would I have called to come get me from down the street from my house?  Uhmmm... no one.  When I was in the midst of my breakdown, some guy jogged by.  I was encouraged to not give up, and anyway, what was I going to do... spend the night on the sidewalk in front of someone's house because I was too lazy to walk up a hill?  Uhmmmm... no.  I just think of it as exercise, my ass look great for a reason.

The thing that pissed me off the most this week was that everywhere I went, people kept treating my like I couldn't fill out a fucking application.  At first I thought it was me, but at some point, it occurred to me that this is what society is becoming.  The new generation is too caught up in text to even know how to read, and the generation when my parents grew up, left scars that we all are trying to overcome. 

I want my son to not only learn to read, but learn to read in other languages.  I want him to learn value and self-worth, they don't teach those things in school.  I want my son to lead his generation, not follow it... because y'all are kinda slow.  This goes for my niece as well.  As a matter of fact, this goes to everyone I know.  And we all should know that there isn't one single person on this planet with perfect wiring because it's all subjective.

Anywho... I'm in a good place.  The Holidays are coming, and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to them.  I'm with my real family, not the extend family I've created with all of my friends.  They annoy me, but... truthfully, sometimes it just feels good to reconnect.

The End.

P.S.  If you have a problem with me, get over it, you aren't the only one.  LoL.

...still.  I am, for some reason, still not happy.  I know I say that I am.  I'm very grateful for everything that I've been given, but there's a difference between gratitude and happiness.

I have this HUGE void in me that I can't seem to fill.  I want to shop because I know that'll for sure make me happy... I don't even think it matters what I buy.  I feel like I"m lonelier than I've ever been in life... and I kinda just accept that that's the way things are supposed to be for me.  Why should I feel that way?  I'm not sure.

I know that I'm the type of person who says she wants people around, but in all actuality, not really.  I just get soooo tired of disappointment.  I always feel like I want to connect with people, but when I do, I always seem to be let down, so why even bother to begin with?

I'm ANNOYED!!!... out of my skull.  Something has to change... probably my mentality... again.  I have to go play Bejeweled Blitz so I can figure it out... or something.

I woke up early this morning and I went shopping.  First I bought a $34,000 car that I customized myself, then I a bought a vacation package to Nassau, got a teeth whitening certificate, a certificate to Dolce restaurant, tickets to a Renaissance fair in Texas, a remote controlled helicopter and plane, twelve bottles of wine (six red and six white), and a telescope.  Too bad it was all virtual.

Some of the items I can get, and plan on getting, hopefully this weekend... probably everything except for the car, the vacation package and the Texas thing... I sooooooooooooo need a car!!!!!  I need to try to start saving up for a down payment, or something.  My dad told me I need to find some sponsors, but who??  Anyone want to sponsor me for a down payment on my new car???  I'm not even asking for the entire amount of the car... just $5,000 for the down payment.

Anyway, I need to get it figured out.  I feel like I'm trapped here on this hill.  it means absolutely nothing to have luxuries if I don't have anyone to enjoy them with.  I haven't been swimming in my pool yet, I got in about halfway to my knee, but that's it.  It was seventy-five degrees out at 8:30am, I should have gotten in then.  Oh well.

Nothing special has really been going on with me.  I chill all day, I practice my guitar, write songs, and watch the birds.  Playing the guitar isn't as difficult as I initially thought, not playing chords at least.  I'm trying to learn... still.

I guess that's it for now.  My neck hurts, I slept on it wrong.  Blah.

Latas.

There are sooo many different types of birds, I suppose because there are so many types of trees, and they all have different songs.  Some of them even get close enough for me to admire.  They started coming out when I was painting the green landscaping, but I started getting sick to death of all of that green... none of which I could spend or smoke.

Anyway, life is good... still.

I don't guess it's never not going to be that way.  I'm strong though, even when I feel I'm not.  I'll endure.

I guess that's all that really needs to be said...

I have such a blessed life.  I almost don't even know what I did to deserve it, but really I do.  However, we won't discuss that. 

My dad had a party for his friends that he's know for fifty years, he's only fifty-three, so... these people knew me before I even knew me.  I cooked sooooo much food, it was like "Like Water For Chocolate," I had a mini breakdown when I peeled the potatoes, but everyone really enjoyed the food.  There were beef ribs and spare ribs.. that I seasoned two days prior, chicken, hot links, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, green beans, roasted white corn on the cob, veggie and turkey beans, deviled eggs, pecan pie, apple pie, key lime pie, ice cream, and what I saved for last... red velvet cake.  They were calling me "Chef," since everyone watches "Hell's Kitchen."  I felt so honored, plus I put out my "2009 Kate Stephens Volunteer of the Year" award.  I felt like it was my party, well it was.  I've claimed the kitchen as my domain... officially.  This place has absolutely no furniture, but it is definitely a home.

All of my dad friends are musicians!!  We don't have furniture, but what we do have is a make-shift studio with two wireless mics, my favorite part, and many other, make-shift features.  They all work though... and well, I might add.  So we had a PARTY!!  Let me tell you the most exciting part about the whole night... I walked away with a new voice teacher.  YaY!!!  We had an accompanist playing songs for whoever wanted to sing, then my dad got on guitar... and guess what the hell we ended up singing???  "Unforgiveable."  I mean, I'm still petrified of performing in front of people, but when no other person in the room knew the song, or acted as though they didn't... I'm not sure, I yelled from the kitchen that I did.  So I felt like choir wasn't all for nothing.

I got something else out of it too.  Y'all know that I've always struggled with the decision of whether or not I want to be in school, but the accompanist guy, Steve, encouraged me to go for at least the B.A.  It was interesting because they all started out in music, but life has taken them all down different paths, some of them have stayed with the music, some of them have not, and the ones who didn't, said they regret it.  Remember, me going back in the first place was about me not wanting to feel the regret.  And I guess life happened so that I ended up with this semester off because I was doing things the same way, I guess, but I really wasn't about to go back to school, now I know I have to.

Anyway, I'm starting to get sick, I need to rest.  The pool is finally complete, and I am so trying to be in it... but after I heat it up.