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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars.)

Bet_bar (www.newshole.info) bitched about his political-blog idea being stolen. Lame McCain...brilliant wasn't it?

AND NOW.....what a fucking idiot he's been.

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Like many no-name freelancers I have been bottom feeding, with dignity I like to think. In the big fish tank of writing, I'm that little gray cat-fish that attaches his big mouth to the side of the glass panel. I think they eat the other fish's shit, or dead scales; something like that seems to ring true. That's what it feels like when you are trying to break into a new market.

You get the material the prized fish think are waste. That's what I've been working with the past couple of months. I've written for a giant in the community, and an obscure paper; same old shit assignments. It doesn't matter the size of the publication, for a freelancer the process is the same: you have to become the Rumpelstiltskin of shit assignments, and turn them into gold. Once you gain their trust, you get to keep their first born. (If they double cross you, use your troll powers for some revenge of the decapitating nature.)

I don't mean to hash out tired common sense. I do mean to find the whole propose of being a freelancer.

Is it to be your own boss, and answer to no one's whims but your own? Or is it a temporary position while you find a steady staff job?

Lets exclude the freelance superstars: the well established names that can write their own ticket. And lets exclude the top 50 % of word smiths that dedication, and hard work have made their freelance careers viable and profitable.

The focus will be on the bottom half, the bottom dwellers, the cat-fish if you will. A handful of bills here, a heart full of hope there, these are the dreamer types that can't make it on freelance work alone, but wish to make it work. Why do they do what they do? Is it to be one's own boss, or to have temp-work while something concrete comes along that drives these people?

I must admit I don't even know where I stand. In the short time I have been collecting clips in a market I haunt, I was given an opportunity to not only be on staff, but to be an editor. An unheard of opportunity for a steady paying job, with a nice title for a newcomer to the scene.

I purposely fucked up the interview, then got balls-drunk to celebrate. When I mean by purposely, is that in the middle of the interview I pointed out how bad some of my answers were, and how I didn't really have any interest in the position(s), but “I could do it well, if I had to.”

And after a victorious two-night bender of whiskey and beer, I woke up with terrible dread that had nothing to do with possibly impregnating a leach of a woman. I let go of a fancy job that tons of people like me would want, and I did it in the middle of a recession that might turn into a depression.

I threw away, not one, but two positions that I could have filled if I hadn't constantly complained, TO MY INTERVIEWER, that this editorial job would have gotten in the way of my collecting clips.

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!,” is all my sober brain keeps telling me. What is it about a sauced brain that keeps telling you everything is a good idea?

I have been so gun-ho about writing, and collecting clips in this work sabbatical that I lost track of what a tremendous foot in the door those editorial jobs were.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

For those of you accidental readers (since most of you are accidental than regulars) this blog advocated that if you were serious about a career in writing but were toiling away in a distant field that you take six months out of your life to go after your dreams. My personal six months turned into a year and change. My savings were decimated, now I'm poor as fuck, and I'm turning down jobs in my field of choice.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

And this is despite the fact that in that year and change sabbatical I have applied to Video stores, and Movie theaters for mindless work to get some cash.

Here were two jobs, that I didn't have to share with pimple-faced teenyboppers as my bosses, that weren't mindless, and if I couldn't be a writer I could still work in my field.

YOU FUCKING......ah....what's the point?
The point stems that my mildly medicated brain said that I was a writer, and that job didn't offer writing, it just offered byline-less stress. I needed clips because I am looking to break into this field. LOL Yes this is an advertisement for sobriety. That Alanis chick should have used this for her song Ironic instead of those imperfect examples.

So when your sober, why are you a freelance writer?

Are you a rolling-stone of a mercenary writer, going from one pub to the next delivering the fresh corpse of content for a fee? Or are you more of a bus-boy writer, collecting the scraps off tables and putting them into your tray of clips, waiting for your big break?

Judging by the grimace on my face, the bank account that everyday inches closer to zero, and the sickness in my stomach that didn't clear after the numerous vomit purges, I think I'm a bus-boy with a mercenary complex.

I'm not sure what others may think of themselves. Just like Janitors call themselves Sanitary Engineers, out-of-work writers might call themselves freelance writers.

So find out what kind you are, and plan accordingly, you fucking assholes.


---BET_BAR
www.NEWSHOLE.info

From the dead McLame blog:







Well there you have it. If McLame was playing poker he would be on TILT. Ooooh, one can just feel it. He had a nice little applause break on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't quite get it out. He's looking more and more like W.

OUTRAGE, BETRYAL , and MURDEROUS HOSTILITY! :
A brief, and calm notice from the ministry of blogsformation.

Dateline: Whenever you read this.

It seems that the glorious BetBar blog "LAME MCCAIN" has been high jacked by a thief. A fake half-assed imitation is running rampant on the net.






LAME MCCAIN was a blog carried on the ULR www.LameMCcain.blogspot.com dedicated to the honest, and unbiased slamming of candidate for American president John McCain. It was started a handful of months ago when the ULR www.insanemccain.blogspot.com had already been taken.

With his second choice at his arm (per usual), BetBar carried on to create a viable news source that would challenge the the lies of the Republican hate machine. Independent from the democratic god-praising, LAME MCCAIN would produce original investigative content, as well as childishly editorials and criticism.

About two months AFTER THE GLORIOUS BETBAR BLOG BLAZED THE TRAIL, an impostor set up a similar blog with the same name of Lame McCain. He went the extra step and bought the domain name lamemccain.com.

The Fake Lame McCain blog features only a handful of pictures, and no written content. The much superior BetBar blog now runs the risk of having it's superb content attributed to another person.

"Yes that is a very real possibility, " said BetBar in a recent interview. "As my previous blog made clear: the reason to get into the venture was for the recognition. There is no money in it, in fact I'm losing money by not working on something else. "

Asked about the similar stances of the two blogs BetBar said that on one hand he liked the hostility towards the old fascist, but that financially, and promotion wise it was not viable anymore. "Any enemy of my enemy is my friend, but I don't see how I would benefit from having my material wrongfully attributed to another."






When asked if this would be his exit from the political clutter BetBar was surprisingly coy. "Well I wouldn't say that. In fact I'm not saying anything at the moment. I will have to re-imagine my presence in the race. Let this be a lesson to all you freelancers out there. I will just re write my current material to fit another publication. I'll give it up to that thief though, he beat me to the six dollar domain name. "

The official stance of the blog is to wish much bad luck to our similar competitor. No matter your goal: FAIL!!!!!


---Ministry of Blogsformation.

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)



Atheism should guide you in freelance as in life. Also George Carlin ruled.

Previous blogs


And NOW...Cashing in on time.
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The most important thing a freelance writer needs to keep in mind, more than any other type of writer, is time. More to the point: timeliness. Being timely is a kin to being paid. Magazines that print holiday themed articles don't wait for a couple of weeks before said holiday to find such a piece. Their search start at least six months in advance. So if you have some brilliant Thanksgiving story(fuck only knows what that could be), don't bother sending it a week before the day; send it well ahead.

Rookie logic will make you believe that people become interested as the date approaches; hence giving them what they want, when they want it. Very good my little capitalist pig! People work like that...yet publications do not. Some post their deadline for holiday stuff. (Six months and up.)

Currently we have a big holiday coming up in America: The 2008 election. Usually the general election doesn't hit full stride until after the conventions, and the veeps have been selected. The balloons fall, and all the mid-westerners show their intelligence by inundating their red, white and blue costumes with as many pins and bumper stickers as the good lord Jesus can allow.

This "historic" election however, has white washed all the regular time lines. One should have started "covering" the election quite some time again, but there is still time to get in on the fun.
That is why I am so shamelessly happy to announce the creation of an INDEPENDENT election coverage blog: LAME McCAIN.





WWW.LAMEmccain.BLOGSPOT.COM




Now I am aware that cheap little ad leaves me open to the fun description:(a) LAME....McCain blog. But fuck it...it wasn't my first choice. That would have been INSANE MCCAIN....but that was taken...so I had to go with www.LAMEmccain.BLOGSPOT.com.

This little enterprise is not about the possible money a freelancer could rack up; it's about the possible perks. Blogging about the election makes you about as common as a virgin in an ANIME convention. Or really ANY convention. Every loser and their friends on newscorp-Space is typing away on the subject. Unless your insanely lucky...you will not get a dime from the political blog. Well...not directly.

Here is how this little get-published-for-money-QUICK scheme works: with a public hungry for election news they'll turn to the Internet. That's where you'll be (and about a hundred million more idiots) waiting to force feed them your unique coverage. Fill up your news-site with a lot of plugs and ads for your other works. There you go. You just capitalized on the election trend.




WWW.LAMEmccain.BLOGSPOT.COM




On the off chance your coverage strikes a chord somewhere; your plugs will double as other blogs will link to you or -gasp- the mainstream media might cite you. That's the hope anyway.
You have to bring the A-, B+ game.

There is also a possibility you might land some work out of this exposer, just like there is a chance Scientology is the right path. (Christianity has no such possibility.)

Another perk: If your in the game long enough, you might even get enough Cred to gain press credentials at election rallies. (Kind of like Grand Thef Auto.) Obama has a very liberal policy towards the media. The more the merrier. If you apply at his site, one of his goons will check you out. If you seem legit enough, your in the press pool. McCain is much harder to get in because he shows favor to those that write good things about him. Maybe he'll change his tune when he's down in the polls. Remember they need you for exposer, no matter how minimal it is. (SHOUT OUT TO THE ACCIDENTAL READERS: Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)

You'll get to ask your questions, wear a nifty press pass, and maybe...if your lucky...some free food.

Wow all that for a crappy blog? Maybe.



WWW.LAMEmccain.BLOGSPOT.COM



If you have a chance... why not shoot for it? You'll get a lot of good practice. Oh and don't use the word "shoot" around the presidential candidates. Or "bomb," "assassination." Hmmm none of that is good. Do use the phrase "yoo hoo...good looking!" That might get their attention.

__BetBar



Editors note: A NOTE TO THE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS READING THIS BLOG.:Betbar does not condone nor is calling for the actions mentioned above. As the writer for a blog hailed all around the world; he is merely telling his MASS AUDIENCE not to use these words around the candidates in order to make your jobs a lot easier. Also...could we have press passes?



















WWW.LAMEmccain.BLOGSPOT.COM

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)


The HOUSE CLEANING ISSUE? More like the house cleaning flier.
Previous blogs

AND NOW... some regret.

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One of the major obstacles in the way of a freelance writer and a paycheck, is creditability. You need to have it, or be good enough to fake it. Many newbies will have their fate out of their hands. It is up to an editor to make a judgment call based on your past work. Hope for bad judgment! Especially if your the type that waits for McDonald's .49-cent-burger Wednesdays for your weekly sustenance.

Your lack of control should not lead you to the path of praying to an invented God for help. Even the supposed creator of a very inefficiently populated universe can't help you when your slim portfolio includes clips from your high school newspaper. In your time of need, don't seek an old man in the clouds for a miracle; do something more productive. In reality you do have some control. SCIENCE BE PRAISED! A newbie can't add to his image in the eyes of an editor, but he can subtract from it. So don't do it.

Neatness can be a wonderful illusion of professionalism. It doesn't matter if you spent your weekend, and better part of the week, watching bootlegged movies with your unemployed friends at the apartment of your only friend with a job. When that Thursday comes around and your pitching a story idea, looking like you have your stuff together might mask the fact that many others are terribly more qualified for the assignment.

This one election cycle the usual flier ads flooded my mailbox. One of them was from my districts state representative. It was the usual crap about their accomplishments, and how he was working for his constituency. (I never hear from the asshole until it's reelection time.) I noticed his party affiliation was oddly missing from the pamphlet. I didn't remember if he was a democrat or republican, so I looked it up on the state site. While I was there I glanced through his record. It was a mass graveyard of bills he had sponsored that had died. One of them he had cited on his advertisement flier as a successful bill that had passed both houses.

A lie? A tiny one albeit, but see if you can come up with a nice angle.

"Politician running for re-election lies to his constituency."

Tasty.

For such a low-profile race, this is hardly front page material. (Then again, maybe I can ask Allah for help...when he's not busy freaking out about drawings.) Still, it's good enough for printing a blurb in the metro section and a paycheck. Who knows, maybe it might have created a little controversy. A poor man's Watergate, and a slice of creditability.

So I go and fuck up the professionalism by absentmindedly circling the text in question, and scribbling in barely readable print- "Follow up on the lie." I can't read it and I scribble on top of the original with worse handwriting. I toss it aside with the intention to work on it when I have some time. Then I realize that there is nothing else I have going on, so I start doing a little research.

I start to hear some scratching noises, and look down. My cat started to use the flier to sharpen his claws, and then took a piss on it.

So my evidence at the heart of my story(and lets face it: Paycheck) is scratched to shreds, crudely written on, and smelling of cat urine.

How professional did that look?

So now I needed either a new copy, or the biggest set of balls this side of Janet Reno to make it fly.

When dealing with a race of such low visibility- it is harder to get these new copies. The candidate does not have a campaign site. Your neighbors all trashed their copies without reading it, and the shoelace campaign that does exist is distrustful of snoopy writers looking for a specific pamphlet that may be revised with your tip off.

Though the news agencies in your area do cover these small races, they don't catch everything and rather use their resources on bigger better things.

That's when us freelancers come into play. (And Pay!)
So I had a possible 300 to 500 word undiscovered controversy fall on my lap, and I placed it in my cats' litter tray.

Neatness. Like Atheist Woody Allen said 90% of life is just showing up. Show up in control of your neatness.

__BET BAR


ATHEISTS ARE NUMBER ONE!



May his words live on longer than the bible. _betbar

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS’ BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)


KUCINICH WAS STILL IN THE RACE....UNTILL HE PISSED OFF BETBAR!
Previous blogs

AND NOW... The house cleaning issue.

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Well hopefully there are no hard feelings from the Dennis Kucinich campaign. Their presidential ship seemed to sink, after they offended this blog by not recognizing the role it played in getting the campaign to participate in the capitalist media’s farcical debates. Previous blogs

As a sign of good will here is a plug.
GET YOUR DENNIS KUCINICH FOR PRESIDENT GEAR AT 50% OFF! THE PROCEEDS WILL HELP KUCINICH FIGHT OFF THE EVIL CORPORATIONS THAT LOOK TO TAKE HIS SEAT IN CONGRESS. HELP THE GOOD FIGHT, AND LOOK GOOD IN YOU 50% OFF GEAR! DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION.







Anyway it’s our house cleaning issue here at the blog. For those of you new readers.
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EDITORS CORRECTION: "For ALL you new readers."
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The house cleaning issue means that I have been on vacation for the last two months, and the un-posted blogs ideas have built up. So in one post we will shoot our entire load! On the napkin tonight, 11 topics!

Obviously it would be better advised if we just took the time to develop these 11 topics into their own 11 blog posts. BUT FUCK IT! WE AREN’T GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT. We’re doing this for free for MOTHERFUCKING NEWSCORP. Fuck Rupert Murdock. PAY ME YOU AUZZIE KANGAROO FUCK FACE!



As all you freelance writers should know, never put in more time to a job that pays you less than another.
Your time is your product, and only give more of it to those that actually pay for it.
I have received some emails on my advice to leave your job for six months; they contend that a non-writing job pays better for your time, than the pipe dream of writing.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: In the interest of full discloser, it should be noted that these emails were received in an imaginary world where this blog stirs discussion.
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AN URGENT message from the MINSTRY OF BLOGSFORMATION: Despite previous reports from a soon to be fired EDITOR: the emails discussed in this blog ARE REAL, and were received in the REAL world where this blog COMANDS GREAT DISCUSSION, RELAVENCE, AND INFLUENCE.
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To them I say that there will always be those willing to pay you, to use you up. And we as workers need to make the decision on how we will be used up. My advice is geared towards those that wish to be used up as writers. Hence leaving better paying situations for lower ones is justified.

Hmmm lots of whorish undertones. Which brings me to another pet project....whoring.
These days the whore industry has taken it on the chin....um...more so then usual. The Governor of New York, a true patriot and watchdog for the common worker, was politically targeted to be tarnished by a sex scandal involving an on-line prostitute website. This has brought undue attention to the world of on-line whore shopping.

For those of you not initiated with the world of "Hobbing"...today will be no different. I don’t know how this blog about freelance writing always gets into prostitute buying, but nevertheless get your jollys in now. Before the Fuzz start cracking down on websites, this is the best time in American history to buy a "companion." No more must you cruise down the roads looking for your pot-luck choice....right now you could see exactly what you get through updated pictures. Plus a "service providers" website may list ,to the T, what she will or will not do. No more Surprises, or arguments.

That age is coming to a close as police departments search to curb the hobbing world.
As reported on this blog...um that the NEW YORK TIMES reported, Police departments had begun to use Craig’s LIST to crack down on JOHNS. Stay away...unless your looking for another type of job...as in writing.

Craig’s List is actually a pretty decent place to find a job. You may have had the impression that your weekly freebie (the rags that pass themselves as weekly newspapers) might have had a little more class than to advertise on Craig’s list...well your wrong. They give Bare back BJs , CG rides, COB, and the ever elusive, yet horribly fun COF!....as well as hiring full-time, and freelance writers. Of course I’m talking about respectable rags that actually exist outside of the Internet. Not just start-up websites.

Coming SOON to the BETBAR blog: A LOOK AT THE JOBS FOUND ON CRAIG’S LIST.

Next on the house cleaning list... The Catholics have re-written the will of God, without the credited help, of God. They’ve given his will a more populist, anti-capitalist spin to resonate as red meat to their generally poor base. The Catholics have taken a lot flack over re-writing their rules to living as prescribed by doctor God. Yet US writers can learn something from this. No matter how old your dogma is , or other written work, it is never too late to be re-written. Re-writing is the essence of good writing....when it comes to everything except free blogs on a NEWSCORP website.

The Catholics new rules to life have a bit of a socialist spin to them; attacking the ultra wealthy for their hording riches. Which of course brings us to ACTUAL SOCIALISTS.

Something interesting is happening in the 2008 presidential elections. The Socialist Workers Party is hoping that their candidates for U.S. President and Vice President get elected solely on the coverage provided by a newspaper. Not newspaperS, but A newspaper. They don’t have a website, they aren’t visibly collecting donations, and they aren’t printing t-shirts nor bumper stickers; but they do have The MILITANT.



The Militant of course is the long time standard for Commi-Pinko-Leftist Rags of newspapers.
Except that in the last Few decades it has come into the control of the SOCIALISTS WORKERS PARTY....don’t bother trying to find this secretive group on myspace. :( SADLY, THEY HAVE NO FRIENDS.

So the socialist newspaper standard has become the small party’s own google group. A sad little newsletter that only covers their own groups activities—kinda like the many pathetic google groups out there where small groups of friends try to make themselves feel more important than they actually are by creating a self-indulgent site or newspaper in their case.


By the way, to MY group of google losers... a fun new article is up.

Still Self propaganda is always a great way to promote yourself, and career. Freelancers should certainly donate some time for a worthy cause: YOURSELF.

Well....we didn’t quite make it to all the topics in this issue of the HOUSE CLEANING ISSUE....but about how much NEWSCORP paid for. Call it an april fools joke.........hmmmm April fools........wasn’t that something??? Oh yes...the day that freelance writers should celebrate their fools’ devotion to a pipe dream....it’s all detail in last years’ April fools post. Previous blogs ....just don’t read it so attentively ....there was some project that I’ve totally spaced on....good luck and.

Fuck NEWSCORP! **Space

___BET BAR

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A SPECIAL EDITORIAL FROM THE MINISTRY OF BLOGFORMATION
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From the BetBar Editorial board,
January 14, 2008

LAS VEGAS-Hours after Betbar sent a cranky letter in opposition to MSNBC's plot to exclude Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich from a Nevada debate, Senior Clark County District Court Judge Charles Thompson was forced to rule in favor of the congressman from Ohio.

"This is a great day for me." said Betbar, the bitter blogger who pontificates on the hardships of being an unsuccessful freelance writer - read exclusively on a free networking site. "I always knew my letters had monumental sway with men and women of reason."

Dennis Kucinich could not be reached for comment. It is still unclear how Mr. Kucinich will show his gratitude towards the bloger who single-handedly saved the obscure campaign.

"It would be nice if Dennis, or Denny how I call him, would acknowledge the central role my blog and letter writing played in his being allowed to debate in Nevada." said BetBar.

The campaign's official website, Dennis4president.com, had no mention of BetBar and his last second heroics.

"This is unfortunate" said the occasional bloger when told of his ironic exclusion from the campaign's website. Asked if the snub would curb any future help Betbar answered with a surprising "no comment."

That help might come in handy later as the Associate Press reported earlier that MSNBC lawyers will file for an appeal to the Nevada Supreme Court.

"I will not comment on my future plans." BetBar said in a press conference held in front of the computer where he types his blogs. " Today is a day of celebration when the nation can finally take notice to the power of the Unsuccessful Freelance Writers Blog. Let freedom ring, and let it ring from http://blog.myspace.com/betbar "


_the BetBar Editorial board


IF YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THIS PRESS RELEASE IS ABOUT--- READ THE PRVIOUS BLOGS

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)



Natural ICE is better than GURU

Previous blogs


And NOW...advice for cranky loners
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So your sitting around in your six month hiatus from work, and you say you need a little structure. A little something to do-WITHOUT GOING CRAZY AND GETTING A JOB. Have you tried bitching?

The great American angry letter. Easier, and much more satisfying than the Great American Novel. The angry letter can not only provide you with direction, an opportunity to practice writing, and an outlet to vent your frustrations; it may also change something you have been wishing would.

That's pretty much the pay scale. Although if you've read my previous blogs there's a way to make a chunk of change in the frozen food section.

Write an angry letter about candy bars , TV shows, government regulations. Finally an excuse to write your congressman or Hersey's. Beer, Newspaper editors, religious leaders, there's got to be someone you want to tell off. As an unsuccessful freelance writer that abyss of anger is limitless. Nows your opportunity, and in the process better your craft.

Here is a sample of an angry letter I sent to MSNBC because of their censorship of the presidential debates.

To -letters@msnbc.com

Subject: CENSORSHIP OF THE HIGHEST LEVEL.

It is appalling that NBC would censor the presidential debates by excluding Dennis Kucinich. The media plays an important role in preserving democracy by freely disseminating the different views in its country. To let their viewers make an informed decision by allowing all planks to be fairly aired is the fundamental function of a news organization involved in hosting debates. Yet it seems GE-the parent company of NBC- has bastardized that concept by presenting a farce of a debate. NBC has endorsed only one view, and therefore has shut out any conflicting stance. A move that resembles one taken by a state ran media outlet in a fascist state than one in a free state. Just because three people are in a "debate" does not mean they saying anything different than the GE approved company line.

Let Dennis Kucinich debate, and perhaps restore the illusion that NBC is not a compromised outlet for corporate propaganda. The Kucinich campaign had fully met the NBC criteria to be included in the debate. An invitation to the debates was even sent to the Kucinich camp. Yet seeing how Dennis would not goose step to GE's tune, the criteria all of a sudden changed. An arbitrary change of caprice seen exclusively in despot states.

Fulfill your obligations to a free state and allow all views running for the highest position in the country to be heard.

For the sake of integrity, freedom, and democracy, allow Dennis Kucinich to be a part of the debates!

__BetBar

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EDITORS NOTE: Dennis Kucinich and any presidential candidates are welcome to debate on this blog. Natural ICE is also invited to sponsor the debate entitled -PRICE AND THE QUALITY OF AMERICAN BEER
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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)



Learning to swim with infants?Just who exactly is Mr. Nerd?
Previous blogs


And NOW...150 dollars
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150 bucks.

Go to a Marilyn Manson concert with two of your buds.
Or
Go to Guru for a year of freelance opportunities with two guaranteed bids.*

Relive your 8th grade year(s) or pay someone to read you a list of job listings?

Replace Manson with any other act you'd spend a couple of hours awkwardly dancing in place to, and I believe you have the same option. A brief period of entertainment sans 150 bucks.

I don't even want to give Guru any undeserved plugs. This blog after all is nothing but integrity.
As I sit here enjoying the refined, filling, and smooth taste of a cold Natural ICE, and listening to the hilarious, and uncensored masterpiece radio that is the Howard Stern show on SIRIUS SATALITE RADIO available at any fine Circuit City...the last thing I want to do is whore out this sanctuary of integrity and righteousness with undeserving plugs.

Yet Guru is one of those pieces of shit cannibals that feed on the flesh of the aspiring FREELANCE WRITER.

I have no choice but to briefly explain what Guru is—thereby possibly damning another unsuspecting no-soul into their evil clutches.
During the gold rush it is commonly said, more money was made selling services and merchandise to the miners than was ever made from the gold.
The aspiring Freelancers' drive is such a gold rush. The dogs of capitalism have pounced on the throat of the would be freelancer.

Here we have a service that mimics Ebay. Vendors post up freelance gigs, and "professionals" bid on them. The winner (the one that will degrade himself the most with the lowest price) then finishes the project, and is paid by a 'secure' Escrow account. Guru gets a cut of your pay -up to 10%. Who knew they were managing you?

On a positive note, you might say, it's a small price to pay for the listing of gigs, and you won't get ripped off?

Except, unless you pay a yearly fee, you shouldn't have any worries of being ripped off because you'll never get a job to begin with. All of the job postings are restricted to paying members only. The site does offer a "basic/free" service, but there are no jobs listed for basic members.

The help page offers a solution to find work for *Shivers* free members. Find them by refining you search to individual cities. Even doing that there are no job postings. Going city by city, as I did, I only found ONE POSTING for about three cities. There are no jobs in A through F states except for a few in California-but those were mistakenly posted as they were only accessible to the paying members.

Here is just another wolf in sheep's clothing (to use a cliché that should be publishable by death-WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN) that offers safety and promises of riches on the par of Slot Machines.

If your Rolodex of clients is razor slim, I could see why you might be tempted to fill it up in a slave auction where the slaves come to the master. How low can you crawl? Maybe, depending on their caprice...mA_SA will take you home.

Trust me I know about a slim Rolodex....My biggest clients are students that don't want to write essays, and letters to managers of retail employees accused of stealing four dollars worth of merchandise...not exactly glamorous...or high paying....or ethical...or......maybe legal.

Still don't let your circumstances let you get talked into giving up your money with the promise of getting work as a freelance writer. Maybe you think it's worth a try....THEN keep in mind that it is the roll of a die, a pull of a slot machine lever....it's for entertainment purposes only: not meant to bring in a living. And like a casino if you walk away with a little money, then you had a good day...not a career.

Hell...maybe it's better to go to that MARILYN MANSON show.....because your "not a slave to a God that doesn't exist...or a world that doesn't give a shit."

dont forget....
DRINK UP with Jager, and READ UP with all the fine newspapers from the Journal Register company.

__BetBaR


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EDITORS NOTE: BetBar and the blog are available for any appearances and or ads.
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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)


It's been months since BETBAR blogged you to quit your jobs, and try to make yourselves into true writers...
Previous blogs

But for you, the accidental reader, it has only been seconds since you mistakenly happened upon this bitter, bitter blog.

And NOW....a conspiracy theory: BETBAR has not written a blog in so long because of the writer guild strike. You may now all discuss this in your respective BETBAR forums, and fan-club message boards.
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"A sentence has a Subject (What or whom the sentence is about) and a Predicate."

"Now lower your infant into the water so that they are hip deep."

"The predicate tells what the subject does or what is done to the subject. (for example, the books 'were left' outside)"

"Let your baby kick the water. Let them begin to feel comfortable with their new surroundings."

"The simple subject is a noun or pronoun."

"Sir...Please stop . You don't have to kick- just the infants."

Imagine your an adult at a public pool learning how to swim along side some infants. They have a valid reason for not knowing how to swim; you on the other hand....

Well, just enter whatever reason will help cover the shame. I recently had to experience such a situation when I was forced to take a Saturday grammar class. I took the message from my last blog , which was written approximately 400 years ago, and set off to improve my writing skills. If it was up to me, I would have said I had reached writer's nirvana in under 2 weeks, and was ready to move on. Yet my Christ-like accusations had to be proven true. (unlike the actual Christ)

Therefore I sought a test. It was a an entrance test for a university's school of print Journalism. Entrance exams are a great way to test your chops even if you have no intention of attending that particular school. Stick to the Journalism/Communications entrance exams because if you try to enter a creative writing school the evaluation is very arbitrary and based on the caprice of the resident know-nothing semi-professional writers on staff. Fuck their elitist bullshit! What you need is a no nonsense regulated test.
The way this particular school worked was, you paid the fee, and you could take the test twice. One hundred questions with multiple choice answers. Within an hour you needed to answer at least 68 of them correct to pass.

I walk in the first time humming the Beetle-juice song.
"Beeeetle...is the man...and he knows...he's the one"

I start going through the questions.....and I have no fucking idea what their talking about. There are names for verbs, and nouns, and sentence fragments that I had never run into. The basics may have been thought in school, but never...never what was covered on that test. Which brings an awful light to the deficiencies of our countries school systems. For a person that was interested in the craft even from a young age and yet never before see these terms is shocking. Yet what was even worse was the thought this was the level of someone passionate in the area of text. Just imagine the majority that have no interest whatsoever in reading and writing.

Regardless the level of my interest ,as opposed to the majority, according to the test I was no better than them. I failed the first time with a 61- just 7 more answers away from passing. The second time I attempted the test I failed with a 52. Not the right direction. The school had a strict policy for those that failed twice. One last opportunity for redemption; a six week grammar boot camp-followed by a final test. If at the end of that test one fails, they are forever banned from entering the school- no exceptions.

PERFECT

This was it. Not just a sink or swim for entering a school, but for the whole notion of being a writer. What business did I have in the business if I did not even know what the test was asking?


College campuses are empty on Saturday mornings, except for its' dimmest. Which are constantly stared at distrustfully by the janitorial, and security staff.

Professors are also absent, as these gigs are outsourced to local ESOL teachers from near by high schools. Their method is exclusively reading from photo copies of a basic English guide.

I wasn't the only asshole in the class that thought him or herself above the mother goose curriculum.

The mostly female roster was filled with arrogant dean listers that never let an opportunity pass to bitch about the ineptitudes of the ESOL teacher, and the ridiculous nature of the test. They said what a pity it would be when some of the people in the room would fail the test, everyone but themselves.

Women after my own heart!

Normally ole BetBar does well with Angry She-writers, but I sat quite; hoping someone how this elementary teacher could pull it together and give us enough to pass the test. Mostly I sat there scared - all my bullshit had finally been called, and I was now asked to produce. It wasn't just a school I would be banned from entering...it was a life, an existence, a dream to be melodramatic.

About the third week in I realize this teacher was not that at all. And I picked up the Cliff notes on Grammar. I took it everywhere an unemployed man might go. That bright yellow and black cliff notes design attracted everyone's eye to the title of my book. It also drew their pity, and laughter when they saw it was a cliff notes on grammar.

I created devices to remember terms.

To INFINITIVE and beyond.

I DEMONSTRATE by pointing TO THESE (demonstrative pronouns)

I REFLECT on mySELF (reflexive pronouns)

Sometimes they fit sometimes they didn't. They were arbitrary, but useful. Use them when navigating through the occult world of grammar terms.

I took the matter into my own hands is the point to all this drivel. Your deficiencies as a writer can't be filled by anyone else. Spending six Saturdays in some room with a "professional" spoon feeding you information won't get you anywhere. One can't buy what one lacks in writing. Or expect that interest alone in writing will carry you forward.

The angry dean listers found that out as they failed their final chance to get into writer world. They screamed the test was unfair, and that their credentials and passion for the field more than qualified them to enter this world/school. They were denied. Like you will be if you let your Jesus like arrogance blind you.


I passed with an 81. Not because I was smarter than the dean listers. It was because I was not afraid to learn how to swim with infants. I ignored the stares from the soccer moms, and I journeyed on for six weeks. This being the beauty of taking this time off from capitalist slavery.

Had I passed the first time with 7 extra points- I would have never learned my grammar.


Editors note: just because BETBAR has learned his grammar does not mean he will be employing it.

However long it takes you, and whatever it is you need to do.....well if it isn't obvious, forget it.
The less people that make it, the better for me.

Hopefully I won't see any of you on the other side.

ADDITIONAL: some good porno at the hun.

__BetBar

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)


IS CAPITALISM LIKE AN AIDS INFESTED WHORE?

YES

Previous blogs

AND NOW... A love letter to horror.......just one letter. "B"

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I should shave. I need to find a woman that isn't a man. (Good first line.)

I should shave. One must keep a routine, even when out of work. Take a long weekend as a reward for leaving the rat race. When those nine days are finally chugged down, it's time to get to work. Here is where you don't keep the routine. The reason your writing career hasn't worked out is because your routine is limiting. If betting on the horse with the cool name hasn't gotten you anywhere, you need to stop it. (Sorry Godzilla, your 30-1 odds won't entice me anymore. Unless I'm up on the day...then I'd be stupid not to. I mean 30-1 PLUS his name is fucking GODZILLA. BRING IT!)

Sure it may seem remedial, but that's exactly what I'm talking about. You need to go deep into your make up, and build up your retarded self. Evaluate your skills honestly, and don't gloss over you're your big forehead. This is meant to bruise your ego.

No matter how good you think you are, you obviously aren't good enough to get paid for it consistently. So cut the bullshit. On the off chance that you might still think your perfect, well then your perfect ass is missing something, you should take the time to find out what.

Grammar, spelling, not being sure what a paragraph is; there are a lot of reasons why you're sitting in your underwear at 3:30 in the afternoon smelling cat urine. Actively hunt them down. Use some of that cat urine for whatever reason. (The cartoon sitcoms weren't clear why hunters use urine at time of publication.)

You need to break yourself down, violently, while the Doors play in the background. You could go for the melodramatic "This is the end….my only ….," but L.A. Woman would do just fine. The soundtrack can be upbeat while you're dismembering yourself. A pile of limbs here, a puddle of blood there, a longer than necessary keyboard solo; it can be fun sorting out your bits and pieces of talent. Once you have identified your needs sew yourself back up. Here is where you might be missing a leg to stand on, or an arm, an eyeball, some kind of vital piece that would make you a whole writer. So you grab a hack saw, and go get you some organs.

This step might not be as Horror-romantic as a chainsaw wheeling cannibal going to get him some grub. It actually might be as pedestrian as going to a book store and getting you a copy of The Dummies guide on Grammar or Vocabulary building. In a way you are like a zombie going out to get you some sweet brain. At least to me that's a comforting thought.

This time you have made for yourself was not meant for business as usual. You need to confront why you're a total failure in the writing biz. While at the same time you should be fully aware that you can change your course. For instance there are thousands of bylines in magazines, and newspapers citing some loser you've never heard of. YOU COULD BE THAT LOSER. You're just missing a piece he has. You know what to do.

Get the hack saw and go get you some.

__BET BAR


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EDITOR'S NOTE: BETBAR does not endorse any murders that can be traced back to him.
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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)


QUIT YOUR JOB, AND BLOW YOUR SAVINGS FORCING YOURSELF TO BE A FULLTIME WRITER.
Previous blogs

AND NOW... more advice from the unemployed.

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Old hooker hypothetical situations have a way of explaining everything in life.
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IF for the rest of your life you only had the choice of sleeping with a [woman] that had AIDS, or no one at all , which would you chose? (sub the word "partner" where desired. i.e. "If for the rest of your partner of your partner you only partner the choice of partner with partner partner partner partner.")
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For the sake of argument lets follow the theory that you would rather live a long healthy life than fornicate with a loaded gun.[Editors' note: the last statement is not necessarily the opinion of this blogs' management or its' lone writer.] You could control your basic urges, and satisfy yourself with substitutes. At an advanced age your lust will be extinguished,and finally clear headed you could look back at all your life accomplishments. But in the meantime the days pass by slowly, the months slower, and the years at a perpetual crawl. That's when you surcease to the spell of rationalization.

You can wrap it up can't you? You could limit the dangerous interaction. You can manipulate the situation to some-kind of untraditional relationship where you can be satisfied yet safe. It can work out can't it? Then one day, in the middle of your foot-job, you realize how this isn't doing anything for you. Fuck it! You suit up, and go into Iraq. Then after a plundering occupation you come out with a broken jimi , and a short lifetime of cocktail medicine.

GOING BACK TO WORK IS LIKE GOING TO AN AIDS INFECTED WHORE!

We already discussed why you shouldn't. Previous blogs

You must fight your 'institutionalized need' to be a small nut in the machine of capitalism. As time goes on in this experiment of ours, your nerves will be shaken. You will have the urge to run back to the security blanket of a slaves' paycheck, and get a job. You'll start to believe that society itself is berating you for not contributing to it. As the time free from a day job accrues, and your bank account funds decrease, your going to lose your cool. Your lust for that AIDS-INFESTED JOB will rise. You'll crave it, and start to rationalize ways to USE IT responsibly, and safe. In this type of Russian roulette there are only so many chambers you can safely pull before you splatter your dreams, and goals on the wall.

You need to overcome the 'last woman on the island' mentality. You will feel your alone on an island of uselessness. That is when you hunker down, and write your wares. For the time your alone on the island there will be no one there to sell them to, maybe the occasional native at a tiny rate. Just keep working on your wares, and live frugally. In six months or so the rescue team will take you back to society. There you can pedal your wares, and bang plenty of clean [partners] for tiny rates.

The hope of course is that when the rescue team comes you'll tell 'em to fuck off! You've learned to survive in your new home, and there is no where else you rather be.

__BET BAR


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FUN WITH BET BAR!
How many life inspiring cliche's were used in this particular blog?
For more information on WHAT THE FUCK THIS BLOG WAS ALL ABOUT?
Get more information by reading the Previous blogs.

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Every hack with a dream (to borrow a line from Lisa Lampineli) has a day job. Some hacks are doing a lot better than must of US. Nevertheless I believe the principle still applies; YOU ARE YOUR DAY JOB.
If your not spending the majority of your day trying to figure out how to crank out a chunk of text that an editor will think is new and worth paying you for; then your not a writer. You could get paid occasionally , or even sell that novel you've said you've been working on all this time, but being paid for your writing doesn't make you a writer. Not in the romantic sense that most dreamers have in mind.

An ideal day would be doing nothing all day...but writing. Breaking up your "work day" to hang out at a coffee shop...not the Star bucks across from any corner...but the cool one...the one not many people know about. Then off to the Independent bookstore (Barnes and nobles are too corporate for your tastes) to scope out where your going to do your reading next month.....

....Well enough about the day in the life of a douchebag!

(MY Ideal Writers' day would be to wake up early in the mourning. I'll read the assignment I should have started to write in the past week, then go back to sleep while listening to Howard Stern on SIRIUS. Then when I arise at a healthy 3:48pm, I'll go out and catch a flick. Later I would see if one of my loser friends wanted to go to a racetrack casino, and about 2am when they close I'll buy a hand full of energy shots at a 7-11. I'll teak out on the shots, and begin working on my assignment around 4:30am for my 11am deadline. )

It really doesn't matter how you waste your day, the important bit is that writing would be the center of your day. There is a difference between it being the center of your thoughts, desires, wishes, and being the center of your day. No matter how much you crave it, or how much satisfaction your receive from putting pen to paper; if you have to wait after work to get going...then it's not going anywhere.
That is a generalization. That is one generalization I'll bet the entirety of my student loan to back. We all here the stories of the J.K. chicks that wrote the Potter dreck on a bus to work, and now they live in an actual castle because of their stamina. Those are the exceptions. The one in a billion. The rule? The rule is simple: YOU ARE YOUR DAY JOB!

IT TAKES YOUR LIFE. It literally does. Literally and literary.

If your lucky enough to have a good day job, one that lends itself to a career. Than take solace in that as your consolation prize for not quite becoming a writer. And you will take it as a consolation prize. You will slowly begin to try to build on your career or maintain the place you have carved out for yourself. The writing will become secondary, or UNRESPONSIBLE to work on when you have more pressing issues. It will never get done.

If your NOT lucky to have a good day job. If it will never become a career aside from the ironic career of failure; then you have a much tougher road to go. The "writing" will take longer for it to die on you. You will start to crave it more; it will become a lifesaver float. Your savior. Your Jesus you can never pray to or worship because your too tired after work. Because you need to get up early to go back to the dungeon that numbs your creative mind. It's your one way "out" , but your still not going to work on it more than your good career counter part. You work longer to make less, but you need it to live on. Your way "out", writing, seems like a pipe dream to anyone you share it with that doesn't share your faithful dream. Then that mentality starts to creep into you. Then your writing will also become secondary, or UNRESPONSIBLE to work on when you have to work hard to make so little.

Wah WAH WAH right?

Those are the breaks. That's the reality of the rule. Many of us have tried to "write on the side."
"Freelance part-time." Hell that's what I've been doing most of the time I've been away from this blog. Good thing most of you are accidental readers rather than regulars or someone might have noticed.

Never the less accidental reader- this is how the life of a wannabe writer dies.

Some might say it's REALITY finally catching up with you.
NO.........NO IT'S NOT TRUE.

It's just physics. You can't be at two places at once. I know it sounds stupid, but here is one some don't notice; your mind ALSO can't be in two places at once.
I know we like to think of ourselves as dynamic beings that can think many different thoughts at once.

However, your brain is set up for survival. And if doing whatever else except writing means the survival of yourself, your home, and your family- that is what your going to be prone to do. What that is-whatever it is- is not writing.

So that's it you can never be one?

NO.

Here is what you do. Save up an nestegg of 6 months to a year's pay. Quit your job, and try to be a writer for six months. (Six months for you to live as a writer, and up to six months pay to find another job.) You don't have to sell anything in those months, just write sellable material. Be free to write well.

THAT'S YOUR ONE SHOT!

Don't go through your life bitter that you never had THE TIME! This is it...maybe you figure out that you dont' really have what it takes. Like you want to be a rock star, but you can't really play the guitar.

Remember you don't have to sell anything. Your business doesn't have to be profitable right away, you just have to start it! Besides most markets wouldn't pay you right away. They might pay on publication which could take up to six months. This period is to become a writer, the real one; not to live on.

That what I'm doing in a week. I've quit my job, and am going to live on my savings for a bit.

Going to try my hand at being a "real" one, instead of a part time one.

If you tell yourself you can't walk away from your position to put yourself to the test....then you really don't want it. That is fine, I'm not putting down anyone. Just one suggestion; don't lie to yourself about your goals. It will save you a lot of heartache.


NEXT UP: HOW TO KEEP YOURSELF MOTIVATED WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A PAYCHECK COMMING IN....AND YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR HACKY SELF!

___BET BAR

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)
BetBar financed a totally crappy animated ad for the blog.
Previous blogs

projects going well eh?......
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The thirst for publication is like the thirst for pussy. (Or penis I've been told.) There are a lot of scams out there to rip off the needful writer. We are going to ignore all the software, gadgets, books, services, and magazines that claim to "help" you get some...credits. There are entities that actually publish you, yet still screw you.

"GET ALL THE CREDIT" "GET FAMOUS" "GET PUBLISHED" .....get shit.

There are predatory web-sites out there that scam writers into providing content for them, yet leave the victims without any kind of compensation. Here are some signs your dealing with some shady fucks:

*You'll get a cut of the sites advertising revenue after costs. The more you write the more you get. Sure at the moment your only getting 13cents or so, but imagine what you'll get after your work brings more random readers/traffic to the site and they can afford to pay you more! (bullshit! Don't work your ass off for some other idiots site, and not get your cut.)

*The next scam is a web-site that looks like a local freebie paper. In fact they say they are new, and are about to get into scene. You get to be a columnist, with no pay, and get your name in the byline. The way you move up in the organization or get the front page slot is if people VOTE for you. (So these people are creating a shity American Article(IDOL) Where they swear people will get into this voting frenzy over articles pumped out by unknowns. (Mostly because the articles are credited to nicknames) The unpaid writers do all the work to get people to come to the page and vote for them, while the shady businessmen sit back and charge for the POTENTIAL advertisement. FUCK THEM TOO.)

* T-SHIRTS T-SHIRTS T-SHIRTS! Get a possible T-SHIRT if you contribute to "A Random" Magazine. Doesn't matter what the name is. They call themselves a magazine (not a zine or ezine), and they have and "advertise with us" page. Yet they can only afford to POSSIBLY give you some free crap for your work. This is the equivalent of hiring illegal immigrants to fill out their contents.

* Most ads at the Craig Lists writing "gigs" section.
------------end of volume 3------------
POINT?:
Never give it away to a site that you could just as easily trow up yourself. Most of these "publications" will be laughed at on a resume or while presented as clips. If your going to give it away for free, which you should avoid, only give it up to a paper publication. That's on a different level respect wise. That should be the only exception, fuck the rest.

_BETbar


DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN WHILE DISTRACTED BY THE HOWARD STERN SHOW ON SIRIUS RADIO CH.100.

It looks like Ed Wood directed this cartoon. It's all shaky and an obvious cheap creation. ....fitting?
Plus myspace shrunk it.