The air was cold, and he just felt compelled to go on.

He had this deep sense of regret inside, knowing that something was amiss, but instead ignored his gut feeling and pushed past his mothers house.  His name was Jeff, and he was a heroin addict.  For so many years, he'd felt like he was slowly losing himself, and it was true.  His family all but ignored his existence, he lost all he had.  His mother was the only thing that kept him sane.  And for some reason, he felt something was off...

He had promised her that he would change himself, that he would get clean.  This got harder, day by day, as he hadn't really had the urge to stop.  His skin was pale, and his health was fragile.  His mother knew whenever he came, he either wanted money, food, or just a safe place to sleep at night.  She gladly obliged, just happy to see her son alive still.  He knew she loved him, and he was her world.  She was the same to him.  But he had bigger priorities--getting high.

As he prepared to walk up to her, he had this sinking feeling that something was wrong, and turned around.  "No, I can't go in..." he quietly uttered to himself.  Just then, a cloaked figure across the street spoke up, "why don't you just walk in there?"

As he glared at the unknown figure, he was instantly taken back.  He gave off this eerie aura.  "Who are you??" Jeff said, almost yelling.

"Oh, I'm not anyone important," he replied, now moving towards Jeff, "but you really should go see your mother.."

Jeff now stood face-to-face with the cloaked man, who now appeared to be familiar, but no so much.  He wore around his neck, a gold chain, with a half of a broken heart.

"What do you know about my mom?" Jeff asked.

"I know she's heart-broken."

"And how do you know that?"

"These are things that some people can just observe.." he replied, now pointing at his mothers house.  "Go, she needs you."

Jeff turned and looked at his moms house, and spoke, "but wait--"

The man was gone.

Jeff knew that was too odd to be just mere coincidence, but he instead walked to his mothers door.

Before he could even knocked, a familiar face opened the door.  It was his older sister.  She had a grim look on her face.

"Where's mom??" Jeff inquired.

"Jeff..." his sister began, "I'm came here to gather a few things.."

"For what?" he spoke louder, "why aren't you telling me??!"

"Everyone else is at the hospital...with mom."

Jeff's heart sunk.  He knew something was wrong.  It had been bugging him for days.  It had been a few weeks since he had last actually had contact with her.  His heroin addiction reaching a new high.  He found himself using dirtier and dirtier needles.  He was committing crimes just to get high enough to last him through the night.  He noticed that he was getting sick, which was odd.  No matter how big of benders Jeff typically went on, he was as healthy as an ox.  He was a fairly big man, beforehand.  Standing at 6'4" and 240 pounds before his addiction, he looked to be some kind of famous athlete.  This, of course all changed after his father passed.

Jeff's father was the guiding force in his childrens lives.  He was strong, wise, warm, stern, and above all else, loving.  Jeff had grew up a troubled child.  His father constantly found himself going to school to get his son out of the principals office.  Jeff always walked sideways from the stern hand that his dad planted on his behind because of that.  As he got older, Jeff got better.  He began playing football, and his grades were consistently good.  But he wasn't a real standout amongst his siblings.  His older sister was going to be valedictorian of her class, along with getting several scholarships for prestigious colleges offered to her.  His younger brother was a child prodigy.  At 12, he was a 2nd degree blackbelt.  He was already being scouted for the future olympics.  The oldest sybling, his brother, was preparing a thesis for his chemists convention.  After only a year in college, he was being prepped for advanced courses.  He was also being prepped for doctorate school.  So this left Jeff.  Poor above, but not so much, average Jeff.  He always felt inadequate.  His dad noted this.  He always showed Jeff the most attention.  He and Jeff were inseperable.  This caused a rift with the other children.  But his father did his best.  That's why life is so cruel...

Shortly after Jeff turned 25, his father got a brain tumor.  This shook Jeff unlike anything had ever done him.  Jeff was distraught.  His dad reassured him that he would be okay.  As much as Jeff wanted to believe it, the hope gradually faded dimmer and even more dim.  One night, while Jeff and his mother were visiting this father, at the hospital, he suddenly flatlined.  Jeff panicked and cried out for help.  His father died shortly after, due to 'complications'.  His youngest brother, having just turned 21, was out partying.  While his overachiever brother and sisters were in their lab and office, respectively.  Jeff angrily called and left them all news of their fathers demise.  The he disappeared.

This was 2 years ago.  Since then, Jeff had picked up a really bad drug addiction.  He had lost his good job.  He went from driving a gas hog SUV to wearing worn out shoes that his mom gave him out of pity.  From being an investment banker to strongly considering robbing a bank, his life did a complete 180.

Snapping back to reality, Jeff quickly replied, "please take me there!"

As they all drove in silence, Jeff began to silently weep.  He knew this would happen.  He knew what was killing his mom.

She was dying from a broken heart.

As they arrived, his siblings sat out in the hallway, as he stepped inside.

"Mom?"

"Jeff? Honey?" his mother weakly spoke, "I missed you...."

"Mom..."

"Jeff," she began, "Don't regret your life.... You, your sister, and your brother have made me happier than I've ever been."

Jeff began to cry.

"I spent so many years clinging desperately to the hope that you'd change, that you'd clean yourself up.  Not only for me and the family, but for yourself.."

"Mom...I'm so sorry..." Jeff whimpered, "I never meant to hurt you, mom..."

"No...you gave me the will to keep fighting.  After your dad died..."

Just then, Jeff noticed his mothers necklace.  It was the other half...

"Mom!" Jeff nearly yelled, "Your necklace!"

"I know...Jeff..."

"Mom...I'm so sorry...."

"Don't...please....I...love.......you......"

With that, his mom quietly passed away.

Jeffs heart sunk to the deepest depths...and he felt lost.  But suddenly, he heard his mothers voice calling him.

"Jeff...please wake up.." he heard her, almost crying.

As he opened his eyes, for the second time, he saw his mother and siblings standing over him.

"Jeff, your sister found you half-dead on my doorstep.  She ran you to the emergency room as fast as she could."

"I saw him mom..." Jeff interrupted, "I saw dad..."  His mom, under normal circumstances would've thought his being sick would've brought about dementia.  Somehow, this seemed different.

"Mom...." Jeff spoke weakly, now realizing what was actually happening, "I'm sorry for leading you down this beaten path with me.  I won't regret my life.  I want to change mom.  I want to see you happy...."

Just as she spoke up, Jeff flat-lined.

He had been dying from HIV for 1 year now.  It turned to AIDS a few weeks earlier, and his health rapidly began to fail.  His time was limited.  The heavy drug usage accelerated this.

As quickly as he decided to change, his life quickly ended.  And with that, his mom held her sons hand for what seemed to be an eternity...

I've been thinking a lot, lately.

I'm about to turn 22, Marcus is soon to turn 1, and generally...life isn't winning.  This election, my job situation.  I'm supposed to be in management training.  It seems like I'm another lackey, working for barely shit, while I progress no where.  Hell, I called her (being the mother) phone, asking why I couldn't see Marcus.  Her boyfriend picks up.

Ok.

I talk to him really nicely for a second, but, he quickly developed brass balls.  He doesn't like the way I talk about Tiffany.  Now, before I continue, let's do a quick breakdown of her current life.

* She has no job.  Last I heard, she was working nights at a Krogers nearby.  So, I took it upon myself to confront her.  Come to find out, she quit 5 months ago.
* Her boyfriend who's brave through her prepaid cellular device, 'takes care of' Chloe, Marcus and the lazy bitch who calls herself a mom.
* I'm a bad dad, because I don't take care of my son, though I haven't been allowed to be around him to do so.
* She won't get her GED OR a job, as she'd rather live off of her mom and that idiot that's taking care of an adult who should be doing it.

Anyways, I ask, why can't I see Marcus, and HE tells me (yes, the man who had nothing to do with my son being created), "You'll have to take her to court."

Uh, ok.

And there I stand.  I'm about 4 grand in debt right now.  And I stand to be even worse off.  Lawyers cost money, and my job situation isn't working out quite as well as I had once hoped it would've.  Things happen for a reason.  Hopefully, my things happen to get better soon.

On top of a jerk-off that thinks supporting a 21 year old and her two kids, I've been watching the media lately.  Has everyone noticed how RACIST America is?  It's not just white folks.  It's everyone.

Yes, everyone.

Black, white, brown, yellow, red, fuchsia, magenta, checkered, etc.  All of them, just so ignorant.  I've been reading all of these anti-Obama/McCain ads.  The majority of the time, a negative is pointed out by Obama's being black.  Or McCain generally being a 'typical evil white republican'.

I mean seriously shut the fuck up.

IT'S OUR NEXT LEADER. Not a fucking popularity contest.  Base votes off of who appeals more, not the color of their skin.  Not what they look like.  Not by what religion they practice.  If I were to think as narrow-minded as those who post so much propagandist bullshit, my son wouldn't exist.  And I'd probably be partially ostracized from my family.  We all bleed red, we all die when the end comes.  We all breathe air, and we all need food to sustain ourselves.  We all wear clothes to hide our shame (I wear clothes to contain the beast. ;D), and we all live the same way as everyone else; one day at a time.  It's been preached over and over, but honestly.  Racism is bullshit.  We're all gonna die eventually anyways, why not love each other?  I like most people until they prove they're not worth the air they breathe.

I'm rambling, mainly because I've been up all night again.  My sleep pattern is turbofucked.  I just...

Well, that's my problem, I ramble in my head too.

R.I.P. Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes.

Now, about that whole, 'needing change' dealie.

Oh, wait.  That's another randomly, poorly edited blog.  Until then, my loyal readers that get a blog every month or two.

Also, Justice wins.

I have a really bad habit of using Batman as a pro-noun.  I've been calling everyone and everything Batman lately.  Is that bad?

Other than that, I'm still fairly pooptacular.

Hoping that some things come through, and waiting for others...

Eh, I'm unbearably bored.  Life isn't moving at the brisk pace that so many promised me it would eventually go.  I'm weird, too.  I've found the courage to want another relationship, but it's been so long.  I'm not sure where to start. I was thinking that I should put a Craigslist ad out.

"Blk male looking 4 ltr, any race, female, big boobs, cooks, cleans, etc.."

Probably won't work, so I won't waste my time.  But alas, I feel asleep holding my pillow last night.  I don't know if I was cuddling or choking it.

Boy...I really need to get out more.  I think I'm going to give up on my PC gaming too.  Too time-consuming.  Plus I'm using too many MMO terms in my daily life.  I have EVERYONE saying failboat now.

Other than that, I'm pretty much the same as usual.  Moody and stuff.

Cheers, sez Batman.

Wow.....it's been a while, huh?

I haven't felt the need to express myself through writing in weeks -- months even.  I've just been out of tune, so to speak.

I'm currently getting ready to TRY and get back at my old job and leave the current extra-shitty one I'm at.  It sucks, instead of barely keeping me afloat, it's not helping at all.  So, that's one negative.  I'd name off the others, but I'm totally not about to start a pity party here @ my blog.

I haven't seen my son in over a month now, but this time it's because I want to punch his grandmother in her fat face.  I'm trying to AVOID bad things and negativity, so I tend to stay away.  At least until I have a vehicle.  My mom claims that she's finally leaving Gary, so I have that to look forward to.

I haven't mentioned the fact that my 17 year old brother might be living with me here soon as well.  Granted, there's a lot of new and exciting things happening in my life, but yet, I still feel like I'm somehow being cheated.  I watch my friends change and gain these valuable experiences, while I sit in my apartment.  I'm so anti-social.

I guess I don't like to force people to be around my negativity.  Ah, oh well.  Not like they HAVE to be around me.  Only the ones that care (you all know who you are).  So, in order to get my life back on track, I have a few things I need to do.

1.) Get a vehicle, and the proper documentation to be using said vehicle.  Nothing like going to jail over a 600 dollar rust bucket.

2.) Be more involved in my sons life, while simultaneously avoiding that fat fuck he'll one day call a grandmom.  I fucking hate her, sorry.  Internet-bashing is wrong, but WOW I fucking hate her.

3.) Get back into school.  Yeah, I'm thinking that going back might be my best option at the moment.  Instead of whining about only being able to get shitty jobs.  Ivy Tech, here I come!

4.) Be more hateful.  Things were a lot smoother when everyone thought I was an asshole and avoided me.  Maybe I could revert a bit....

Anyways, that's enough of that thing I do when words randomly pour from my fat fingers.  I'll probably have something else to write about again here soon....

I was wondering this whole time, "Is she really hiding?"

Well, I found out today.  I went to figure this shit out.  And I knocked on the door.  The knocking turned to beating.  And that turned to kicking.

No answer.

I haven't seen my son in 5 weeks.  She doesn't return calls.  She didn't bother calling me or stopping by.

 

I'm done.  I'm taking her to court.  I'm taking my son.