Which is not damn likely, trust me, but here are my potential nicknames. And explanations. These are in order, most likely to be used to least likely.
1. Bill “Too Cute” Wetzel.
Outside of guaranteeing that I would get my ass kicked, this name came about when after one of my many sweet and flirtatious statements, a female friend of mine said that I was “Too Cute.” Not exactly a formidable nickname, but still, it works. Actually it probably doesn’t.
2. Bill “Nite Cat” Wetzel
This is a play on a few things. I got this from taking an LOLCat quiz on Facebook that said if I were an LOLCat, I would be a Nite Cat. Nite in this case means like a “Knight” as in shining armor or of the round table. In real life, I am a bit of a Knight or I try to be sometimes anyway. But the name also conjures up images of an bruising lightning fast alley cat who goes out and night and wreaks havoc. In reality, I lost what little speed I had years ago, but still, it’s a solid name.
3. Bill “The Blackfeet Badass” Wetzel
This is pretty much self explanatory. I am Blackfeet and I am a badass. Or kind of was once one. A little bit.
4. Bill “Shnookums” Wetzel.
Yes this one was cast upon me by the same friend who said I was Too Cute. It’s part of the general theme indicative of just how smooth I am, but also how bad I would get walloped in the octagon. Unfortunately, adorable works with my female friends, but it would probably make me fresh meat in both a fight and /or prison.
5. Bill “El Loro Malo” Wetzel
I don’t really know what this means. I think it’s something like The Bad Parrot, but I remember my brother had a skateboard when we were kids and on the back of it the words “El Loro Malo” were written. I thought that was pretty cool. Then again I thought neon spandex and photo gray lenses were pretty cool back then too.
Bonus: Bill “Mr. Perfect” Wetzel
This is an oldie but goodie. From the time I was in 8th grade until a few years out of high school I patterned myself after the pro wrestler Curt “Mr. Perfect” Hennig. I even adapted his finishing move a Fishermen’s Suplex called the Perfect Plex, into a modified duck under to cradle combination that I used in middle school and later high school wrestling. I used to sign everything with the name “Mr. Perfect” on it. It grew wildly out of control after a few years though, and I eventually gave it up. I can tell you this though, somewhere in Bulgaria and in a few places in Montana, there are kids who have wrestling programs that are actually signed Bill “Mr. Perfect” Wetzel. When the time comes, that probably won’t be worth any money, but still, they will have them. It’s better than a poke in the eye. I think.