This weekend Domino finished his 20 week session of obedience and his last day of agility camp. We both learned a lot about each other. It has been a great bonding experience and Domino has developed a devotion which is always humbling to me. But today he was such a joy to work with and such a great partner. He is one great dog and I am so pleased with what a pleasure he is to just share my life with.

After a morning of obedience with Domino where we both worked very hard, this afternoon we decided to take a hike with the camera and get some fresh air. Still feeling a little rough, it was still good to be outdoors.

Though lightheadedness was a major obstacle and the puppies didn't want to settle down for a bit...but we took it slow and took our time.

Eventually all of us were in some sort of sync.

We ran into dogs and neither Charm or Domino liked that for some reason. Domino had spent the whole morning with a ring full of dogs and suddenly he was not very happy with meeting new dogs.

It was good for the whole psyche to be able to get out and about again, even if it was an effort. Being sick has wiped me out. But we made it the entire distance we set out to go and the dogs were so happy to be moving forward.

I haven't had too much of a chance to use my new camera so that was a learning process as well. We made lots of excursions off the trail.

The fall colors have not hit this part of the valley yet.

And the flowers are getting their last shot at sunshine.

Just splashes of color amidst the fading greens.

Summer has not lost its hold completely.

Wild roses are still scattered along the trail.

And some things seem to be in a chaotic state with all stages happening at once.

Some things wilting though the temperatures were perfect.

Beetles and bugs still out everywhere.

And the Box Elder Beetles appearing in herds.

Grasshoppers of all shapes and sizes.

A pleasant walk, a pleasant day. But a frown settled in when passersby inquired as to the breed of the dogs with looks of concern. "Pitbulls?" "Are those pit bulls?" I sometimes wish there was a place, just one place where that word did not exist. Where we could just be a person and their dogs. For now, that place only exists when we get home and I breathe a sigh of relief to close the door. I think the Vick hype has made it a bigger topic and not a good one. They are just dogs, just very good dogs.

You all may want to skip today's blog. Its not too exciting. Its the nuts and bolts of trying to clear out a 10,000 square foot building alone. I've lived here for over 15 years and I have spent the last 10 years sorting and tossing all the things my packrat ex dragged home every weekend from auctions and garage sales. I have filled the dumpster too many times to mention over that period of time in some effort to get things down to the bare essentials. Being somewhat a person who repurposes things pretty successfully...its a strange process because you never know when that box of hinges might come in handy someday. But overall I don't like clutter so if it can't find a place, out it goes.

It took me around two years to clean out the basements alone...my ex never threw away a box or package that anything came in, he just tossed them down the basement steps hoping the box fairies might haul them away. Add to that boxes and boxes of things like old business cards, discarded tennis shoes and what not...its been a lot of weekends of hauling things. Eventually it all seemed pretty liveable though the process is unending. I was just beginning to feel that life was a lot easier without all the clutter. And here I am sorting and tossing in a second wave of activity.

I sort of wonder sometimes why he is always after me for some item left behind and I'd like to send him all those hours I've spent dealing with the junk he didn't bother to take when he went. The old computers, the highschool photos, the stacks and stacks of magazines, the endless boxes of used lightbulbs. All of that I would have gladly turned over rather than having to rent a dumpster month after month.

These days the process is a little more emotional. Its sorting through the things I thought of value enough to me to keep. Momentoes and memories delegated to the trash. And walking that fine line between having things done and keeping everything in some shape for the realtor to show if someone might be inclined to come look.

So this is just a blog about one room. One inconsequential room that I seldom use. Once a child's room it serves as a guestroom these days. But yesterday I tackled it with as much gusto as I could and though I took many trips up and down the stairs...when I was done I couldn't tell too much difference.

It just ended up looking clean and that is about the extent of it.

It disturbs me that the throw I looked for forever is now packed away and not draped in its usual spot. And the garden chair I was meaning to paint forever is now gone.

And I wonder what I will do with things like the dollhouse I made for my daughter when she was little. Or her school projects. Of course the puppies helped a lot with the whole project.

They have no idea what I am up to but they help as much as they can with much discussion between them.

They sniff and wag their tails at everything I haul away as though wondering where I am taking their things. But they make me feel better anyway, because they are a counterpoint to the distress I feel. Afterall, they are the things that are important.

I put a lot of love into the little things in my house. I've refinished and painted the furniture and made a lot of things out of nothing. Its just hard to dismantle it all. But it is what it is.

I spent many months before this decorating someone else's house never thinking that as a reward I would be taking mine apart. There is just something so wrong with that whole thing that I can't fathom it. While one person was settling for nothing but the best of everything, I was just treasuring the things I had no matter how modest their beginnings. I would never have dreamed that anyone would envy me that. Never. Back to work, there are still trips to make up and down the stairs and these days it is not as easy as it used to be. One trip at a time. One day at a time. Through it all the puppies are still there, wagging their tails and making me smile in spite of myself.

All I can say is that the truth about people is they'll let you down every time. Trust your longtime friends, trust your family, but when it comes to anyone else, keep one hand on the door, one eye on them and always question their agendas. Keep an open heart to possibilities, but if you know it walks like a skunk, and smells like a skunk, its probably a skunk.

I may have an affinity for black and white critters...but skunks not so much. At least not the two-legged kind.

"The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk."

That goes for some other people as well.

Facing homelessness is not funny. Its less funny still when you have pitbulls in your life. The list of places that don't allow pitbulls is growing. You can't move into a trailer park. You can't rent an apartment. You can't even fly off to stay with relatives since most airlines do not allow pitbulls over 6 months of age or over 20 pounds. And most of those places don't allow them either.

You can't take them abroad, most countries have an import embargo or an actual nationwide ban.

I keep looking at those faces and the wagging tails and wondering what to do, what to do? It seems that even if a place allows them, if you look close enough there are laws being considered to ban them. I am running into walls wherever I turn.

Today I feel like I hit the wall. Point C's glib observations that I need to just go home make me smile in that sick sort of way. There is no transport for the pits to that point. And considering they're my life, I'm not going down that road of going anywhere without them. I know Point B is looking to disconnect me from all the things that have meaning in my life...but that is a boundary that will not be crossed, no matter how hard he tries to make it so.

Today I am motionless, stuck in the crosshairs of an impossible situation and trying to take a step in some direction. Angry at the fact that in my entire life I have never been able to decide where I am going to live. Angry at being driven out of my own home. I don't know what to do with anger. My inquiries into situations for me and my dogs have resulted in scores of hate mail wishing me ill and them dead. Why are they so hated? I look at them and ask it outloud. They lay down on the floor with their heads on their paws, knowing that somehow they have displeased me and not knowing why.

At the same time I am bound by the knowledge that I am their only hope to make it in this world. And I can not let them down. People have let me down and I know how it feels. People pass by, they avoid, they look away, they make excuses...it leaves that sinking feeling behind. I never want those dogs to feel that. But today I stand alone and it is just me to make things right and I don't have the strength today to figure out how to do that. It is a bad day. The truth is I would already have given up if it weren't for the dogs, I keep going because of them. They save me every day just by being here.

It is so hard to take that deep breath and keep fighting for me. It is ingrained to keep fighting for them. A friend told me this is not the final hour yet and I know that's true. It just feels like it today. I never cry for myself, but the past few weeks the tears are sitting in readiness all the time.

Would I have made the decision to take them on knowing how they would impact all decisions? Yes. But I never dreamed we would be in such dire straits and that the people we counted on would disappear so quickly and thoroughly. All I know is that we will live in a car before we give up. I just wish I could explain to the dogs why their mommy is so sad. Its not you, guys. You have never made me sad a day in your lives. You're the one bright thing in the whole thing.

I know somewhere there's people wondering if they can get a good workout in today, or what to have for dinner, or whether or not they should watch a movie...but there's a lot of people out there like me, in survival mode wondering just when the roof is going to fall in. And we all share some things in common, one of them is that on some days...you feel frozen, unable to move. That's uncertainty speaking at its finest. That comes from not knowing anything that is going to happen so everything you normally do you begin to question. Do you water a plant, do you straighten up a closet? Or do you just toss everything out in the garbage and admit to the futility? I have done both so far and its time to make  decision about which one is best.

The only thing that seems right is happy, well fed dogs with shiny coats because it makes me feel good about something. My shine faded sometime back. I am sorry but this is honesty at its most stripped down level. Today there are people I hate, today there are things that make me angry. Today I am not the best person I could be. I can forgive people who kick me, I've never been able to forgive people who kick dogs. I have known two of those in my life and both of them are responsible for me being where I am now. I should have known if you can kick a dog, you're totally able to kick a person and keep kicking them when they're down. Like, I said, I have been a very stupid person thinking that just minding my own business and doing my job would keep me out of harm's way. Those people just like kicking things regardless.

Today we started the fall session of agility camp. Imagine my pleasant surprise at getting the day of training as a freebie! Every little bit helps.

So today it was about training me to the finer points of dog handling. Working with both Domino and Charm to fine tune all their positioning during auto sits, to begin working on being able to send them from across the field to the bench so the time on their long downs or sits could begin well before I made the trek to join them and learning other short cuts which sent them ahead to complete a section of the course without me running the whole way. Which was good, because my endurance is at a minimum right now and it was a struggle to run both dogs.

After some preliminaries, Charm and Domino were able to take a break while we worked with the search and rescue dogs. It was so educational watching these dogs work off leash in perfect tune with handler, Steve. And also to see such serious working dogs fully capable of lots of slobbery kisses and tennis ball chasing when released. Domino and Charm looked on.

Domino, who recently learned the speak command, was thrilled to transition this command to a bark when asked if he was "READY". So I put him in a sit at the beginning of the course and ask...are you ready? WOOF! Too cute.

He made it up the A Frame, once with help, the second time on his own, which was a big improvement.

The only down side for the day was discussing the fact that I may not be back next year to continue.  I have put so much time into training, it is really hard to think that we won't be able to enjoy the rewards. I have never missed a class in two years. Its harder yet not knowing what sort of future faces the dogs and I. Its not a friendly world out there for pit bulls.

Steve said that its obvious my dogs love me to death. He said there's all sorts of dog owners, but you can tell the ones who their dogs just love and respect. They'd do anything for me. I'd do anything for them, too.

There are not many days that go by that I don't stop and think about how grateful I am that fate guided me to these two. I may not have known what I wanted exactly when searching, but I certainly got what I needed. Two very different dogs that I love just the same. They have taught me a lot about life.

I think that is the major thing about agility. It is going back to our beginnings when man and dog first began working together. Somewhere along the way there is a quiet communication that happens and both species feel a primal rightness in being a team.

"No matter how little money and how few possesions you own, having a dog makes you rich." - Louis Sabin

All I know is I gotta get me one of those tennis ball chuckers...those things are awesome!

I'm still feeling a bit dragged out and haven't totally thrown off pneumonia. Its been two weeks of basically being able to do nothing, especially if it involves climbing stairs. That's the bad part about living on the third floor.

However, today was the beginning of obedience classes for Domino. He gets his 8 week refresher for free as part of his spring session. So today we were back in class with a whole new group of untrained dogs. Domino will be doing some other work to prepare to take his CGC at the end of class. But today we were just about getting into the swing of things.

First there were those horrified looks when big mouthed, big headed Domino walked in and wanted to sniff noses with puppies and poodles. The trainer made an announcement to class that Domino was a very good boy who had done the session previously and was active all summer in their agility program and to look to him to see what their dogs would be doing by the end of class. People relaxed a bit but there's still that pit bull paranoia that goes on. And he was a very good boy, heeling nicely and sitting when I stopped and gluing his eyes to mine in between. By the end of class people were letting their dogs sniff noses and getting the point that pit bulls are not all bad.

I was a little exhausted and had to kneel down a few times and use Domino for support...but we did it. Driving home we stopped along the way to snap a few pictures. Its such a beautiful part of Wisconsin and it tears at my heart to think I won't be moving there anytime soon.

I just always feel so at home along its winding roads.

I even stopped to take a look at the lot I fell in love with and it made me feel better it was still for sale.

And then there's the creek that rambles through the entire area. Its the first time there haven't been fisherman there. It must mean its fall, fishing season is over.

Well anyway, it made me sad I had to return to my tower and so unfair it seemed. I am stuck here until it sells or I can't afford it and either way I am very tired of living here. Its always hard to drive home after a day of dog school. On the way there my heart lightens and on the way home it grows heavier with every mile.

But I have a great gratitude for the people at dog school, from the access to a beautiful property to the smiling dog friendly people. It is wonderful to have a place to go which is free to use and so far away from everything. We were both so exhausted though that we came home and slept the afternoon away...I am definitely not at 100% yet. Domino is still wagging his tail though, he feels very important having been a role model. Dogs are very competitive and they know when they did good.

Happy to be on his way to school this morning, he never gave a second look back at Charm. But when he came home, he couldn't wait to get up the stairs to see her, standing by the door, furiously wagging his tail and then wrestling and playing. Those two dogs are the best of friends.

But I must say one thing...listening to the unending list of complaints people had about their dogs this morning...I am so grateful for my dogs. Their dogs had to be crated, they barked, they chewed, they bit, they dug holes, they bolted...I think I have some pretty good dogs. Everytime they are in the car with me I feel like I am carrying my whole world with me....all that matters anyway. (Sorry cats, don't mean to short change you). At least I can tell my dogs I am off to rescue a "no home dog" and they both sit at the top of the stairs with serious expressions and make no effort to come with me, and I know when I come home they will be waiting and all the cats are in one piece and all my furniture too. You have to talk to dogs. They are a lot smarter than people give them credit for.

They restore my faith.

I think an explanation is in order as to why I have embarked on a blog to dispel the negative energy surrounding me. Its not because I sit around contemplating things, or that I am having an ongoing pity party. It is a defense against an ongoing onslaught.

Perhaps we might discuss the fact that no one in my former office had the maturity to give me formal notice with best wishes and an offer of a reference and that I found out I didn't have a job from a trouble ticket advising the web hosting service to deny me access as I had been terminated. No formal explanation, no formal anything.

Perhaps we might discuss the day my realtor called me and said my former boss had said that I had informed him that she was my agent in dispersing the contents of my home and he wanted to arrange a time for her to come in and do that...well, hmm. That almost constitutes attempted robbery. I'm not sure, but it comes close. Just to be clear, as far as I know, I am still my own agent. I don't think I was declared incompetent while I wasn't looking.

Perhaps we might discuss a recent attempt to return my belongings which involved me leaving my car unlocked so Point B could drop them off. OK? Now wait. Are you beginning to see a very odd trend? There seems to be a very strange and disturbing trend towards avoidance.

Maybe I spend too much time on dog behavior, but avoidance is sometimes as disturbing as aggression. A friend suggested that perhaps this was an attempt to avoid putting a human face to a situation and I feel that is a very fair assessment. Its easier to put a blindfold on someone standing in front of a firing squad afterall. As long as you don't have to look them in the eyes, they're not a person. Dehumanization is a powerful thing.

But my main point is I have just gone about my business. I haven't talked anyone into contacting anyone to find out what they're up to. I haven't lied to get information. I just said "Oh crap, my life is screwed" and went through the damage control process and kept my disappointment to myself. Every week or so I am poked and prodded to see if I still have any jump in me and finally I got poked and prodded enough to say enough already!

I mean, seriously. Point B and Point C put me through this same scenario ten years ago...I know how they operate. This time around I don't have to carry the burden for their actions. There's no humiliation. There's no ownership on my part. I've gotten wiser. The real situation that being out of it, I shed the rules of engagement overnight and stepped away from the highschool games. As time passes I am somewhat amazed to realize that world is still revolving in its own warped orbit and these people think its normal.

I'm sorry if Point C has to live in fear of leaving her house because Point B might drop in to pick up a few things, but that's the point she set up her boundaries at. My boundaries are a little more serious. I'm not C.

I know they have to live with themselves. And I'm smart enough to know that means nothing. Those compasses are so far off that dysfunction has become somehow comforting.

Things may be uncertain and scary and stressful and all of the things that come with the territory. That's normal. Normal I can deal with. But to be out of the dizzying loop I was navigating...it brings a little piece of sanity. Its a huge thing to be steering your own boat towards the horizon even in stormy seas.

Somewhere people are living in waterfront mansions and hopelessness settles on some of them like a cloak. The horizon is unreachable when you are afraid to set sail. And no life is much worth living when the ability to say no is taken away. We all deserve respect and freedom of self. Any job that takes that away is not worth having.

Anyway, I'm hoping a good breeze comes up soon and that the sails begin to waft a little more steadily, because that horizon is looking pretty good and there's a little slip of sunlight peeking through the clouds. I left my cloak on the beach. And honestly, I'm a little tired of even discussing that cloak.

I'll just make it all clear so there is no mistake. I got ripped off. I did jobs with a certain set of promises which were broken. The reasons for doing so were bogus. I was thrown under the bus and it was premeditated. I deserved a thank you and got a push. And I have rolled it around in my head and bounced it around and no matter which way I look at it...of everyone involved, I am the one who deserved to have my dream come true. My dream was so small it was just scraps in the scheme of things. The total amount of my dream was a blip. I can only surmise that the real problem with my dream is it smelled a little of freedom.

So now I have covered just about all I care to cover. I have put it out there in the universe to stand on its own. There are more important things to write about. More important things to think about. I used to always ask Point B what thing of importance I had done with my life and he said well you wrote that page that helped all those people. And so I did. I'm just not happy that the person it helped most was Point B. I hope I can find more meaningful things to spend the rest of my life on. Hopefully then the kudos I receive won't be via second person saying look they wrote to me saying they love our work and have to settle for being anonymous. That's a lot like painting a painting and having someone else sign their name....I never liked that either.

When life gives you lemons, make umbrella drinks. Obscure, but highly meaningful.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think about something and then all these pieces sort of slide into place and everything you've been listening to for the past five years suddenly has significance? It always reminds of me of that big mechanical contraption in The Dark Crystal showing how everything is heading for this alignment.

So it has been for the past 48 hours with plans forming and ideas flashing in the air like fireflies. So much so that I've lost interest in Point B with his eyes that dart like eels in oil, never standing still long enough to make contact. His inane blogs are still auto forwarded to me and I can't even begin to wade through the inanity. There are just no hip waders tall enough for that trek.

So for the moment I will leave him to go about his daily adventures in humiliating wait staff and service people, sending back record numbers of meals to show he is powerful enough to do so and demanding the best of everyone while delivering nothing in return. I have bigger fish to fry at the moment and they don't include big-mouthed carp shoveling everything into their bellies that they find along the bottom. I'm just determined not to continue living in the muck and murk with the thought of being scooped up looming.

I mention that because it is a reoccurring image for me. The steak delivered by a friendly waiter only to be cut into and pronounced unsuitable. He explains this in tactless terms never looking up and as he speaks he cuts pieces and chews them so that by the time the waiter has agreed to return it to the kitchen it is half consumed and another portion is soon on its way. Its a scene so often repeated that as a spouse I was often stuck ingratiating myself to said wait staff and as an employee, I just pretended I wasn't there. At some point I should have had the cajones to exclaim..."Don't worry, he sends them all back, everywhere, its what he does." I never could see why someone would eat a damn cow anyway. I just thought in view of this blog being a catharsis...I could erase that image for good.

Personally, I am in a different zone and not thinking so much about my situation as a bad thing but rather as a catalyst towards something. They say sometimes that total chaos is required to make substantial changes and it takes a storm to blow away everything in order to start fresh. For in fact we are hard wired to hang onto things if we can and when they are gone, then sometimes that is what is needed for a new perspective.

Suffice to say that whatever I have been doing to clear the air has helped provide some clarity and rather than being stuck in the box of my present reality, I am beginning to see that life is a great adventure and no matter what, a lot of us end up in situations in which we are not brave enough to embark on it. Free spirits get bogged down with real estate and taxes and bills and pretty soon freedom is a concept and not a reality. We delegate freedom to the young and unencumbered.

Looking at my situation as a chance to be free once and for all of the encumbrances that  have kept me from embarking on new adventures has opened doors and created possibilities which have left me bemused and even a bit excited. For months I have been listening to the input of friends and family and feeling a bit defeated about how one goes about reconstructing their life after crisis. It takes a leap to realize that 1) you don't have to reconstruct it, 2) you don't even have to downsize it, and 3) you don't even need to change it...there are other options that are much more exciting. You have to take some words out of your vocabulary and add new ones in.

I won't get into details, but what I can say is those days walking in the forest, and everything that has occurred in the past several years has combined to create a great air of excitement around here. I may not be heading into the wild so to speak but I am headed into an adventure. Adventures can be good or bad, but its a good thing to have them. My mind may grind on in mysterious ways but eventually I crank out a jewel.

I know I have been rambling off the subject of a lawyer who survives on referrals but has a very poor track record in a courtroom. Referrals generated by the webpages designed by yours truly. You'd think that somewhere along the line prospective clients might inquire as to success rate in the courtroom, but they never do. The glitz and glamour of the internet reels them in and there they flounder. Point B is not so likeable in real life. Its a long list of disappointed clients out there, and I suppose luckily for some people, they buy into the story about the fickle nature of juries. Thank goodness for referrals I always used to say. Used to being operative here.

So referrals pay the way, they build the mansions and failed trials just fade into an unpleasant murmer in the background. Those people survive I guess.

As for me, at least once a week I am searching the internet for real estate. Oh no, not in the where is my dream home sort of way, but in a steadily falling level of expectations kind of way. Tossed by the wayside are the blueprints for that little country house and I don't drive by that land anymore for fear of seeing the For Sale sign gone. Instead I am scouring the bottom of the barrel and spending hours trying to decide if this or that little cabin might serve me well.

My expectations have dropped and even the most humble of abodes seems so far out of reach. Last week I spotted a very tiny cabin on a good-sized piece of land and I spent a great deal of time weighing out the possibilities. It had living space and even a spot that I might paint and a detached garage perfect for storing my things and a woodstove for heat and lots and lots of room for the puppies to play. Barely big enough to turn around in, it occupied my thoughts for several days. Each week, my list of what I can do without drops as homelessness looms.

It doesn't depress me. At this point less is more. The less you have, the easier it is to hang onto. The fewer people are likely to envy your hapiness and you can fly under the radar. Just a  place to eat and sleep and work and subsist. And not worry about the puppies anymore. A small thing to ask. But so far out of reach I might as well be wishing for a villa in the south of France.

I've scoped the mobile home sales and the rentals and neither sports the Dogs Allowed option. So options they're not.

I've lived in fixer upper places before and they always turned out cozy and inviting and not so bad. When you use sweat equity there is a certain satisfaction that you don't get otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I am partial to drywall and hardwood, but that's like ordering off the menu at a restaurant you can't afford and these days I can't afford going through a drive through.

The house options get lost in the land for me. I don't really care what it looks like as long as there are pine trees overhead and the soft scent of the forest. My dreams beyond that have been so thoroughly squashed as to be irrelevant. I try not to think of the millions passing through hands or of my part in them...I stay level and make the best of things. Or at least I try to.

No matter how many times I nod my head and say yes, that place could work, a couple of days later I am realizing that I'd be extremely lucky to get that. That is when I get depressed. Living out of your car can't be too much fun. So everything looks like a step up from that. When you have turned a problem around and around and you can't figure out how to take that step, it gets a little hard.

That's why I lay awake at night. Patting the puppies and knowing that somehow, someway I have to figure something out. I can't even think about the cats. They are all counting on me and I can't let them down. I don't let anyone or anything down that is counting on me.

You don't rescue an animal and justify that you gave it a good time while you could and then send it back. You don't do that to people either. We all live in the moment and when that moment comes, all the good intentions of before are wiped out if in that moment life simply sucks. You don't do noone like that.

Point B has always believed that was OK though. He'd cheat and say well I was a good companion when I was with you so that should make up for it... I bought you roses afterwards. To this day, I hate roses so much, you have no idea.  A month of good behavior doesn't erase betrayal. Nor does stringing someone along with promises of rewards for work done lessen the blow of broken promises. Either way, you find yourself on a playing field where only one part knows the rules and if you had known them, you might have played a very different game.

I guess I should of been aware that Point B always uses the word "we" when referring to anything. But what he really always means is "me". It throws people off because they take him literally. We are going to be all set when this thing goes to trial, we are going to have a great future, we are going to live happily ever after. People who don't know him well buy into it, those of us who know him, know its more in the line of the royal "we".

My brother noted that on a spring business trip. He said, you know, its odd, Point B is always saying we need to do this or we need to do that. We need to think about getting your roof fixed. We need to think about getting that job done. He asked does he mean we or does he mean him or does he mean you? It got me thinking. Point B always says we. It implies some sort of team in play when in his mind that team only exists as a quarterback.

Which seems very fitting when I consider a recent blog when he tried to make an analogy between football and brain injury. I was sort of left feeling that while that brain injured person was sitting there feeling smug that they might indeed be part of a team with "we" thrown all over like confetti...the truth is the only star on the field was smugly firming up the roots of his ego and if anything, giddy over his own cleverness. Compassion and empathy probably never crossed his mind. I know, I was once one of those brain injured people that believed that my insurance money was much better spent on we, than on me.

So again I drift as life has become a sort of rampaging river that carries me from this rock to that. I use we very literally as it is me and the fur kids battling the torrent and believe me, that means what it means. We are a team and I never forget that. Every moment they have waited with patience or given me a moment of sympathy will never be forgotten. Not one dark moment they have been there or one smile they gave me will ever be dismissed.

Tomorrow I will scan the listings again and rack my brain for solutions and I will turn my nose up at nothing. I can do nothing less for to prosper at their expense would be unthinkable and life a great failure not worth much. We don't work that way and never will. Some people do. They have to live with that.

Ayn Rand always preached that we had to be more than ourselves, strive for some ideal always out of reach and keep striving for human excellence. To be the best humans we could be. She despised those who were in everything for the money. She called them looters. I used to think I could spot a looter. But then I have a very bad habit of assuming the best in people and deciding because I think its so, its so. Very bad habit.

And just a word of advice, never judge something on the surface, get the actual track record. You'll find there is a huge gap between ability and ability to make money. Appearances are very deceiving. When its your life which is affected, make sure you're putting it into capable hands, the kind that can till their own gardens and not rely on others to do it for them.