hmmm.

I called my friend Kevin the other day to have a conversation, as we do because he lives up in the land of colder than here. During our catch up conversation we started talking about fleeting relationships. I brought up that I had recently became friends.. .(I think) with someone and I had started to feel as though it was some odd sort of fleeting flakey thing. He replied with sort the same instance. SO I'm going to lay it out for you. There are people among us that don't knowingly do this but maybe they need to be reminded that WE NOTICE.

Example.

You become friends with someone new. Henceforth an effort must be now utilized in order to maintain the relationship that you've requested to develop. Understanding it is hard with people having separate lives with all the nuances that are needed to keep your life going. But, we make an effort because we want new friends in our lives. We all want to grow as people. With that in mind. . . there's a bit of an unsaid respect that you should honor being on the other side of this relationship. NOW. dating I understand is a bit of a different story. People are afraid of rejection, afraid of getting hurt. . yeah we've all been there. But when you put your friendship finger forward and expect for them to pull the inaugural appendage to obtain the desired reaction and nothing happens. . . .what do you do? If you are trying to keep in touch, trying to keep in contact, maybe even lightly suggesting things to do one should expect some notation of response. Instead, you get the blow off. This is different because if it were dating you could just "FLUSH" him/her and be done. No worries they get put into the flake file and no more thoughts or flashes of electrical synapses are needed in your nervous system. Yet as friends we try to treat people all the same. All with the general consent that each of us has some shred of respect for one another and we would recognize when we're. ... being flaky. So here is the truth for the flaky people of the world. GUYS, GIRLS... .. are you listening. .? We just prefer to hear the truth. I would rather hear that you are dickin' some guy in the backseat of an Escalade at Kroger parking lot, that you had to take your great grandmother to get her hernia put back in and she needed to have you sanitize the area before surgery, maybe that you actually dress up like Scooby Doo and like to get your rocks off in costume. .. (shout to all the furries in the house), whatever your secret issue may be. . .just tell the truth. YOU KNOW WHY?

Because if you just let the rest of us think you're being flaky. . .then that's the file you're going in. I would rather put you in my COOL CRAZY friend file then in the flaky file. I want to know that you prefer diet coke to coke because you have some intestinal disease that causes you to dance like a naked monkey if you drink the caffeine. But you have to make time to tell me this kind of stuff. Otherwise. .where ya gonna go? C'mon everyone together. . ..that's right. ."FLAKE FILE". I'm not in any way mad. .I just wanted to explain what happens when you don't realize your FLAKING OUT and what it does to the people on the other end of it. Ok. .I'm done. Class dismissed.

Sitting on the second floor of Denny Hall (English building) on campus and I'm waiting for my first class that doesn't start for another hour and it's hot up here. I felt like I was stripping my clothes off in front of strangers as I laid out my coat, bookbag, laptop, and ipod. The crappy frozen rain outside made the roads very bad to drive on this morning. That included I turned in my entrance exam for my degree today. I've been busy.

For the past two-three week Christmas break I've been working on this exam for the Visual Communications program at OSU. Here's how this works. First I got accepted into the Adult Transfer program for Fall quarter. Not being able to have enough funding (loans) I had to drop to part time at school because of the cost. So I also dropped part time at work. Because I was not in a degree seeking program I couldn't get health insurance and ended up buying it for 6 months to cover my ass in case I broke a bone or slipped on a banana peel. Then it turns out that I had to run my ass off to actually apply to the College of Arts.

What that turned out to mean is I had to apply to it for Winter quarter which is easier to get into and hope that I would be accepted in time before fall quarter ended so I could download the exam for the degree program and take it. Well that worked but not before I had to take out another loan from OSU this year to pay for more stuff. The things that you forget when you are 19 and in college. I took out a loan from Wright State for $500 and never paid it back. So in order for them to release my transcripts I had to pay off the loan. BAM. ..more money. But I did it. DONE. . .GOT the transcripts and filled out the forms, ran to the departments and had the advisors sign everything. and. ... I GOT IN. SO,

Now I am actually considered a Pre-Design student in the College of arts. However, I am still not in my program. This entrance exam consists of the following:

Questionaire about your interest in the field and why?
Basic informational background paperwork
And then the hard stuff comes. ...

I must pick an industrial object, kitchen utensil or garden utensil, and match it up with some form of an organic object, vegetable or fruit, and hand draw it from two different perspectives on 8.5 x 11 paper yet also putting my name and if I do a personal logo on the page. So. . . I made a logo, printed the paper and drew my two perspective images.

Then I had to create a brochure of for a first time voter. All the artwork had to be hand drawn but the text could be computer generated. So I had to create the layout of my work, decide what was where, then make the files and size them correctly. Next I printed all the panels and I hand drew all the art onto them. Lastly. .. I was only allowed to use one 8.5 x 11 white paper. .so I used both sides. So I had to copy my work back to back in the right order, then cut it out, fold it, and booklet staple it. Damn I'm glad I worked for Kinko's for so long.

The next two things needed is a statement of a logo design that I really liked. And then one of one I really didn't like and why. I also had to redo the bad logo. So, I picked the Cincinnati zoo to redo. I'll try to post some of the images on my page here. Once that is all done then I added 20 pieces of my personal artwork and that's it.

I had to turn it in by noon today and I dropped it off an hour ago. So. .wish me luck. They only accept 18 people a year into this program. I want to be number 1. I won't find out for at least three to four weeks. But. . .in the mean time with all my hustle and bustle my first digital photography class is todayand I forgot my camera. Oh Poop. lol. I think I will be ok. Love to the world and BOY is it hot up here.

I worry too much.

But it pays off.

I have a 3.88 GPA currently. I have A's in my classes. I'm pushing myself to work on the entrance project and I may have some seriously helpful information come from just random people. I'm not going to jinx it by playing it out too much but we'll see. The world isn't perfect but it doesn't need to be perfect for me to be Golden. It just has to be. I'm growing closer to feeling more comfortable in my skin and being open again. I used to dance without remorse or worry. After years of oppressive behaviors and negative thinking I am pulling out of my shell slowly. For some it may be that joy that comes from religious contentment, harmonious marriage, giving to others, perfect satisfaction, kind of like a warm hot cocoa drink that just bursts slowly inside to keep you warm and uplifted. Eh. .. I'm not a Jesus boy but Golden is about the closest I can come to the description of where I am. What's the quote. .Stay Gold Pony Boy? Yeah. ..I'm Golden. I may get upset at traffic tomorrow, I may have a flat tire, a bill to pay, a class that I can't afford but you know what? I'm still Golden. Use everything you have and everything you are to be where you want to be. I'm in a bit of an uplifted mood today. My hard work at school paid off. The oddest thing is I know I can even do better. Golden.

Pooh. Winnie the Pooh took everything with small stride and realized that the good times will come. But only did he know that the good times would be so good when he was in the midst of the bad times. So, while my buddhist history tells me that it's gonna be fine I just wanted to take a moment and voice. . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

One day everything is fine and then the next it's opposite day. I stepped out of my 2004 car and went to lock the door by putting my key in the lock and turning it as I do every day. ..2-4 times a day. When I put my key to the hole there was no metal on metal action. I bent down as cars are flying behind me down the street and I took a look at the hole that went into my car door. My lock fell into my door. WHAT? How does that happen. What the hell!

I had never voted before yesterday. I had never made the connection to learn the issues and make my voice heard. I had never been hopeful for any election before. Yesterday I walked into the polling location and stood in front of the touch screen. . . It was strange. One green check mark and a print out. Five minutes later I walked out with a sticker and my boyfriend and I headed to the bar. Not many people came out to Score bar last night but it was just enough of people to make it amazing. As Obama is giving his speech and talking about making it a better America, naming off all the minorities and citizens of this country, my boyfriend is whispering "and the gays".. . ."and the gays" and then he said it. "the gays and the straights". It was the first time anyone acknowledge our community in that speech. And we applauded. Cheered. As he spoke people were talking, chatting, laughing, and my boyfriend and I were in this state of AWE. When the speech was over we hugged and looked around to find that the bar had cleared out. Maybe it was just me and my boyfriend who get sucked in when he speaks but I think it was well needed.

We came home and couldn't help but keep watching. Finally I found the election results on Prop 8 in California. It wasn't doing so well. So while we may have gotten the President of the United States elected last night, we let California take away a right that was given to the gay community. I also noticed how many other states had gay rights issues on the ballot. Slowly we're coming around. All I can say is that at least we're getting noticed. We're being seen and heard.

I'm excited about the next 4 years. It was a good thing. We needed to find our happy place and so far. ..we're in it.

I awoke early this morning in darkness. The sun had not yet opened up the morning yet I needed to get up. As I stood in the bathroom letting my previous nights endeavors become vanquished inside the porcelain bowl I realized the red glare from the mechanized alarm clock rang out 7:30 am. Which meant that in one hour I would be in need of cleansing myself for another day of labor. As I drove off from my gentle and sublime abode I realized quickly how the rest of the world was not yet into this great state of nirvana I had been in. I wasn't hung over yet I was tired and awake. I was very mellow. As cars started to ride my bumper on the highway, people seemed as though 70mph was just not enough, every person on the road seemed to be in rush. Did I miss something? There was tension in the air. At work I received a brief amount of conversation from the customers I had on the phone. There was one very upset woman who after a little patience and effort we both worked out a solution and had a better weekend because of it. Yet, as I was let off work early today still the cars and people seemed to have a sense of urgency in their travels. What was going on?

Do you ever feel like your not getting the joke? As if you missed the news caster coming on and announcing world domination by aliens within the hour and you all must run home and find a blue pair of underwear to stay alive. I just didn't get it. Then I understood. It's not them it was me. I was so mellow and calm today that everyone else seemed to be rushed. So I let the lady turn in front of me first, Yes, I can stop and give you directions even though I might be late to work, no it's fine, I'll park five blocks from my house so you can unload your groceries. I don't care. For some reason today I am just very Buddha. I like it. It's not just about having patience with everyone else out there it's having patience with yourself. Things will happen as they do and I can roll with it or fight it. Rolling with it seems to have a better ring to it. So, I learned quickly that today is a day of patience. No matter where I go, what I do today, tonight everything will surround it around me being patient with others and myself. I guess I'm getting too buddhisty on everyone but it happens. It's me. I know the election is coming and November has started which means the only things left we can celebrate are holidays with family and then New years. Maybe everyone had such a great Halloween that today sucked all the positive energy from the air and people were rushing and running with attitude. I don't know. But. . . I'm gonna enjoy today. I'm gonna enjoy this weekend. And hopefully I'll get some time to work on some homework during all my mellowness.

Have you noticed how the great state of California is now emblazoned with electric cars, gay marriage, no smoking, cars that run on hydrogen and emit H2O? What's going on here? I love the idea that there is a state out there that is pushing ahead. Trailing through the rough traditionalists and the far right republicans to come to a better technological understanding of fuel alternatives and civil rights. But, what about the rest of us? California is like our big brother and we're all wanting to tag along. Mom and Dad won't let us. Today there is a story on Yahoo about the electric car that's spewed all over California and how people are pushing for charging stations to be built. When's it gonna spread to us? A few weeks ago they released a car that runs on Hydrogen and makes water for emissions. They need their own fueling stations. I think that it's great that companies can test these items out in such a beautiful state. But, for $300,000 I don't think middle america is gonna deal with a water car well. They need to be testing these things out on the part of the US that actually uses the most waste to the environment. Test them in L.A., NY, Chicago, and they should get the lower middle class to try them out. We're the ones that work two jobs and try to get an education. Do you think I'm gonna have time to pull over and ask a BP if I can plug in? Or if I'm late for class that I'm gonna call my teacher and say I can't make it, I've got to find some Hydrogen? LOL. My point is that while movie stars are out in Hollywood enjoying the great new technologies of our time, they are also the test market for these products. Middle America isn't going to be so kind to these things. They need to be tested in the small farm towns in Indiana were it takes 20-25 miles if not more to go to the grocery store. Places that you have to sit in idle in your car for an hour through traffic. And places where people's time is more precious to them then drinking water. I know the environment is important. Tell that to the guy who makes a living feeding his family and his elderly parents driving a semi-truck across the land. I'm for changing our environment to better serve our planet. But you need to test this stuff out on the majority in America, not the minority. These products are going to come out and they are going to need some major updates. I'm just saying.

Yesterday, at 7:00 pm in the evening, I was sprawled across my living room floor sketching out the final contour drawing of my left hand using a tape measure when I had a thought. My brain was trying to tell me something and I wasn't quite understanding the concept. I had one of those days where you were full of life and energy all day, spring in your step, a hop in your walk, maybe a little sugar in your patter, whatever. Anyway, I kept falling short. I was a little off at work, bouncier perhaps than before had led my ego into a higher altitude and I ended up teaching a trainer a little bit. In class we were given a "POP" quiz of which I was unprepared for and had not studied. I maybe got 3 out of the ten questions right. So, now back at home, again, sprawled out on the wooden floor with my sketches and my left hand I felt off. I had all of this pent up energy and then it finally came to me. I want to go dancing. My outlet use to be going out to the bar and dancing till 2-3am. Just dancing. But, lately because of school I had left my irresponsibility and joined up with the(I don't want a hangover the next day) group. I texted my drinking buddy group my interest. With Chris out of town for the night and just me all stressed out this was a good night to go. No work the next day, just my drawing class and we were turning in our work.

I got Robby to meet me out. It turns out his day was exactly the same. He was thinking the same thing when I sent the message. So, we decided to relive our years as late teen, early twenties boys and dance. The quick impromptu night added four more people, and then at the dance club it became ten. It was so great just to drink and get my booty shaken for a few hours. I left when they closed down and I was sweating up a storm. Me and the few friends dancing along. I did want to mention that a friend told me he was very proud of my accomplishments in school. He said that I seemed to have more self-confidence in myself and it showed. That was really cool to hear. I'm still getting used to the constant running, going, doing, reading, working, moving, walking, driving, getting, finishing, studying routine. I know that I'll get the hang of it. Only taking two classes this quarter was a GREAT idea. I know I need to be going full time but with the time I have, this works out well.

So, my story ends with a fun twist. After making sure that I had everything done and ready for when I awoke the next morning with only 5 hours of sleep I could just shower, eat, poop, and go to class, I thought I was good. After making in time to my building I reached back in my pocket and realized that I had not brought my chapstick. Then noticed my eyedrops were not there, too. I had also forgotten my wallet. Fiddlestix! Well, I didn't need them, I was just going to go home and relax anyway. So, I headed into class feeling good. We all placed our drawings on the wall for class critique and went down the line. Mine was first. Not bad, good composition, line weight, blah blah, and so on. When they got down to close to the last one the guy sitting next to me leaned over and whispered that he just noticed I had six fingers on one of my hands. I look up and there it was. A small part of the hand where the pinky knuckle was. Apparently in finalizing the drawing, I thought it was a finger that I forgot to put a nail on and I just added one in. It was not a finger but part of the hand. So it added another finger to my hand. No one but him seemed to notice and once done, I quickly erased my unneeded fingernail and turned it in. Needless to say after commenting on a few of the other drawings and giving criticism, I felt VERY sheepish when I was erasing my sixth finger. Nothing like a sixth finger to bring you back to humble.

See if you know what each of these words means without looking it up on anything, anywhere. Just off the top of your head. GO! (below the list I have provided a paragraph using all of these words)

Banal

Ephemeral

Esoteric

Canon

Cohered

Proliferation

Immutable

Aggregated

Enmesh

Engender

Enquiry

Codified

Intrinsic

Billy had an done a film festival last summer when he was in this ephemeral phase and made me sit through this banal showing of old time films. These kind of films were so esoteric it was a wonder how they made any money. I know there had to be some form of canons for this kind of film making.
To add to this Billy had only one summer of practise at his skill as a host and his audience cohered together from around the neighborhood in hesitation. After only an hour of this you could feel the proliferation of boredom filling the air at watching the immutable acting that was so very aggregated between the actors and actresses that it was hard to understand any emotion at all.
Enmeshed in all of the wonder of Billy's first attempt at a film festival I had began to engender further painful weekends of this over in my head. I should have done a more careful enquiry about this event before committing to it. Needless to say the next event I will codify a collection of prerequisites for Billy and his ventures that will hopefully rectify this continuing intrinsic bond with boredom and the arts.

*** All of these words are spelled correctly and do exist in language somewhere. These words were all found in my John Heskett's book on design. Just the first three chapters. Think about the fact that I haven't been in school in ten years and you'll understand. I have this ongoing list of words that I have started and every time I don't know what it means I write it down and then look it up, copy the definition and add it to my list. This is my list so far. Where's yours?