"Dude, you look just like Salmon Rushdie!" This little snippet o' love came from the cashier at my first meal at Moe's in several months. I was sort of half paying attention...which has been kind of an issue for me over the last few weeks..., so it was only the weird juxtaposition of place, person and reference that made my ears perk up to confront this little gift from the realm of randomness. Given my state of mind, I was actually seriously calling to mind all I could remember of what Mr. Satanic Verses looks like, and thinking, jeez...I can't look that old..., when my eyes focused on this person. Über nerd. Kind of like myself, I guess, but more of the comic book variety than the purely musical. And he meant it as a compliment. Sincerely.

I assented to it as a compliment, albeit a tad grudgingly, but still had not collected my wits enough when he said, "At least you don't get Silent Bob." No sooner had I agreed than it hit me...this guy is the spitting image of Silent Bob...

Krista had let a (fairly cute...) girl in line in front of her so as she saddled up to the cash register, Silent Bob's doppelgänger draws her into the conversation...or well attempts to... She has no clue who Salmon Rushdie is, was, or could be, and just wants her burrito...

Back at work and a google image search later, the consensus is eeehh, sort of...and that Rushdie's ex-wife is quite attractive...

And so, at least one person in this universe thinks I look like an author living under a religiously prescribed death threat.

I can live with that.

Better than a thousand useless words is one single word that gives peace.
Better than a thousand useless verses is one single verse that gives peace.
Better than a thousand useless poems is one single poem that gives peace.
If a man should conquer in battle a thousand and a thousand more, and another man conquer himself, his would be the greater victory, because the greatest of victories is the victory over oneself; and neither the gods in heaven above nor the demons down below can turn into defeat the victory of such a man.

--The Dhammapada

May all beings know peace.

I've just emerged from a session of sitting, so if words are more clear or more foggy, there may be a cause. And a gentle fog (although it may actually be a drizzle...) is slightly obscuring the lamp over the walkway beside my building. The lamp's normal radiance takes on a softer yet no less direct quality in these conditions, although the reach of its light is nowhere near what it must be when the weather is clear. I see not only the lamp, but also its reflection in the window through which I look. The reflection only makes the lamp's light that much foggier. Hmm...

Balance and acceptance have been sort of the themes du jour for me over the last few days. Whatever corner I am turning, some part of me is resisting mightily... I can accept that that resistance is there, but sitting with it and allowing it to turn has so far eluded me...on a conscious level at least. If it's that so much has gotten so far out of balance, well, that's a no brainer... And I'm grateful that it's not some "perfect" balance that I'm seeking. Things are always going to be a bit wonky in one way or another, but I can find the counter move in the fall. Most of the time... Apply! Apply! Apply!

I end each sitting session by dedicating the merit of my practice to the enlightenment of all beings, and finding a few asanas to bring myself back into the world of motion. I end with sirsasana, always a good reminder to look at things differently..., and have begun...well, attempting to throw more of a balance issue in the mix by bringing my legs horizontal with the floor. (also adding not a small bit of core work...) So far, so good.

Whatever the outcome of my percieved lack of balance and resistance may be, it has given me this.

Acceptance Is a Doorway

When we accept--
--acknowledging the existence of something in our life whether we like and approve of it or not,
--acknowledging that it exists because we are creating it and holding its existence in place,
--acknowledging that we are protecting it--
then we are in a position to respond to it rather than reacting to it from our preconceived beliefs and assumptions about how life should be.

--Cheri Huber

May all beings know peace.

And I still haven't finished that confounded bridge! Ah well, it'll come in its own time, I'm sure.

So, I went to check out a new group which has sprouted up here in Charleston. Charleston Vegetarians/Vegans can be found on Facebook, and the first non-virtual meeting took place on Sunday. About 12? 15? of us showed up at Hampton Park for a pot luck meal, fellowship, and a wonderfully organic planning session. Those who showed up for our rather chilly repast had quite a good meal... And what luck for yours truly...everything (minus the cookies...) was vegan! Much thanks to Robin and Jenny for forming the group...and for getting me out of the house for an actual social event. Lol.

I'm beginning to feel that I've turned a corner of sorts. Not quite sure where, why, or how, and have even less of a clue about what's next...but there has been much less clutter in my sitting practice. I've been using the increase in my yoga practice (which I've expanded to include home practice...) as a catalyst, I guess, and the Christmas gift of a gym membership hasn't hurt any, that's for sure... I'm not getting as lost in the turmoil of the oh, so very real obstacles in my path. I have no clue how to deal with them, but that's all right. The answers will come when they are supposed to come.

And so, I start this week with a touch of confidence. Now I just need to NOT work myself to death...

All of life comes down to
this moment,
right here,
right now,
either resisting or accepting.
Suffering or Freedom
Choose.

--Cheri Huber

May all beings know peace.

I've attempted to watch the movie Once a few times. I never get past the first fifteen or so minutes before something happens. A trickle of words or the bare outline of a chord progression bubble up from wherever the bitch goddess of song hides like a celestial thief, taunting me with the prospect that this one will be a keeper. I wouldn't mind it so much if more of them were keepers.

So, I brought the movie home early last week and it happened again. I got to the scene where she drags her vacuum cleaner up to where he's busking and a chord progression popped up. Heavy sigh... Stop. Eject. Snap, snap. Off. Off.

I glanced at my guitars, but it was still too formless and meandering. Something was telling me that while this song was supposed to be thick and rich, something a bit beyond just major and minor triads (and hopefully a touch of the truth...), there was also supposed to be a single cohesive element to it which was eluding me. I decided to take a shower.

A melody came to me in the shower that sort of screamed, "Hey! I'm the chorus!" So I went with that for a while. And then it came. Pedal point. A drone! For those of you not conversant in musicianese, listen to the song Blackbird on The Beatles White Album, and notice how on every off beat Paul is playing exactly the same note, no matter the chord. That's a pedal point.

The chorus wrote itself quite quickly after I'd dried off and found a pen.

Verses are sometimes an issue for me. As you've probably noticed in these posts I can tend towards a straightforwardness which either creates a flatness in song, or cops out on too personal a metaphor. Don't know why I worry about that...I've only performed in public once in the last...well, in a very long time.

But a verse came, and I went to bed.

The next evening another verse came fairly quickly. Now the question was, another verse or a bridge? I slept on it.

When I picked up the guitar the next evening another chord progression bubbled up without warning. A bridge it is, then.

And that's where it stands. Two solid verses, a good chorus, and a chord progression for a bridge I can't find the words for...

If I had to guess, I've written (or well, started...) around six hundred songs since 1990. Of that number, I've kept around ten. Something tells me that this one will be a keeper once it finishes letting me know what it is.

Where's that confounded bridge?

The quest of real followers of the path is just to oppose birth and death; they do not look for it in the sayings found in various sources in ancient and modern books. They just step back into themselves and bring it to mind, coolly yet keenly, at the very root and stem.

Suddenly their hands slip, they lose their footing, and they're lost: this is graduation from the study of a lifetime. Perceiving independently, like a solitary lamp, for the first time they are manifestly empowered.

They are like mountains; how could the fears of life and death shake them anymore?

--Ying-an

May all beings know peace.

The warning label on my "biokleen" dish wash liquid states: "In case of ingestion, do not induce vomiting; drink plenty of water to dilute." I guess what they're leaving unsaid would go something like this: "Oh, and don't be surprised if you pee bubbles for a few days..."

Warning labels and such have been on my mind a good bit lately. I was sick over the holidays. Like my father, I'm not prone to stopping and letting healing take place until I'm flat on my back and can't move. A little head cold the week before Christmas took a nasty dive into sinus infection territory the day before Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve found me at a wonderful dinner with the family at one of Charleston's finest dining establishments. Mom had called to make sure that my being vegan could be accommodated, and my only misgiving was that I wouldn't really be able to taste at a level on par with the cooking.

The plate set before me looked delicious. Mixed vegetables cooked in olive oil topped with a portabello cap. Though I didn't taste a single bite, I scarfed every last bit up...I was quite hungry...and had a blast being with the family. We parted as they made their way to church, and I wended my weary way home.

A dear friend had given me a burned dvd to watch, so I popped it in the player. It was Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life." Powerful stuff. And appropriate, given not only the recurring states of depression where I seem to find myself; but also the physical state my body...well, had been in prior to the meal.

And then it hit me.

My suspicion is that the mushroom had been soaking in a bath of...something...which I do not consider a food item.

Boy, did it hit me.

The next four or five hours were not pleasant.

But I was determined to get through this movie, so I trudged the road of happy destiny, balling my eyes out over the emotionally heady portrait of transformation between the onslaughts of gut wrenching. Not gut wrenching pain, or what have you...just gut wrenching...

And so, practice has expanded for me once again... Isn't it funny how that seems to happen? It never contracts, only expands. Is there any limit?

Sixth Grave Precept

See the perfection. Do not speak of others' errors and faults.

In his teachings, Master Dogen points out, "In the midst of the Buddhadharma, we are the same Way, the same dharma, the same realization, and the same practice. Do not speak of others' errors and faults. Do not destroy the Way." How incredibly true that statement is. Ultimately, you can not destroy the Way. It has always been here. It will always be here It reaches everywhere. It cannot be created or destroyed. And yet when we attack each other, causing conflict and turmoil, we cloud the beauty of this life. We cover it with opinions and veil it with confusion.

Bodhidharma taught, "Self-nature is inconceivably wondrous. In the faultless dharma, not speaking of others' faults is called the precept of refraining from speaking of others' errors and faults." The whole universe is this wondrous self-nature. Not a particle is outside of it. It is the true self, the original, bare form of all sentient beings.

Nevertheless, out of reverence for life and compassion, sometimes it is necessary to speak of someone's errors and faults. When you witness a murder and the investigators ask, "Did you see anything?" If you say, "No, I did not. I don't want to speak of anybody's transgressions and imperfections," that violates the precept of not speaking of others' errors and faults.

If you speak of others to inflate and elevate your sense of self, you break this precept. To point out what is wrong with someone else is to place the person below you and create separation. But from the absolute point of view, who is the other? Where is the other? This very body and mind fills the universe. There is no outside, nor other.

--John Daido Loori

May all beings know peace.

K. So, I've not posted anything in a while... It's partly been a timing thing...partly a laziness thing...and partly a lack of blog-worthy happenings in my life since the accident. Oh, I know...the election... There's another good excuse for my silence. I still wish they'd gone for my slogan last November: Barak Obama - It's About Damn Time!

So what makes this weekend different? Well, I've spent the last three days in a cold remedy induced coma-like state, a wondrous fun-land of somnambulistic fuzziness where my voice seems to move at its own pace between a hoarse rasp and Barry White approved basso profondo, while once again I feel like a character in a Pink Floyd song. While I'm normally one to cling to natural methods of alleviating the ravages of any given bug, this one's getting the full arsenal of modern over-the-counter remedies.

Oddly enough, the lack of coherent thought hasn't seemed to slow me down too much. I get up. I eat. I go to work. I sleep.

I did get to a concert last week. And I got to review it for the City Paper. So, yay for stuffed up me! Scroll down to Fretboard Fire if you're interested...

And now the medicine is really kicking in... If the medicine doesn't stun you... Think I'm gonna fill up a nice hot tub o' water and just soak.

Okay... so I've been shocked and saddened at my reactions to situations lately; as well as angered by the lack of taking actions of which I'm perfectly capable. I'm not going to complain about it...just cut to the chase...

The purpose of zazen is to find great satisfaction in every moment, down to the smallest detail of your everyday life.

Simply to be able to abide peacefully in the law of cause and effect can be said to be the end result of zazen. To serenely accept and live with your condition right now as the result of cause and effect means that the need for any kind of apology or excuse on your part disappears. Most people live their lives constantly apologizing or making excuses for the state in which they find themselves. This is because the ego-self is perceived to exist in opposition to the law of cause and effect. Not to make excuses means, for example, that if you feel anxious you don't seek for peace of mind. By becoming anxiety itself, as-it-is, all things are resolved. If we had to find satisfaction in opposition to a condition of dissatisfaction, we couldn't say that it is as-it-is. Satisfaction created in this way will give rise to the next dissatisfaction.

At this point I would like to touch on the subject of believing and not believing, a matter that often creates confusion. I am not referring to the simple faith or belief in Buddha or God by which people come to complacently accept their dissatisfaction, or by which people rationalize their condition in terms of cause and effect. This type of believing is of no use to us in our Zen life and practice.

Things that we can see and hear do not exist because we believe they do. And regardless of whether we believe in things or not, satisfaction does exist. It exists apart from a person's thought. That which exists separately from the thought of the ego-self and with which there is no room for interference on the part of the ego-self is called "the Dharma."

Belief and non-belief are also like this. If something is truly believed in, the object of belief disappears. True belief must go so far that the object of that belief must be discarded, must be released. This also applies to liberation. If something has been truly liberated, then actually there is no object that has been liberated. Neither should there be a distinction between those who are liberated and those who are not, nor between before and after liberation.

In essence, the Buddhist teaching, the object of Zen practice, is that you liberate yourself. It isn't as if we come to Buddha with blind faith and are saved by some efficacious means. Zazen is the practice of liberating yourself. It is nothing other than awakening to the true Self. Since you don't know the true Self, for some reason or another you find something lacking in a part of your daily life. There is some dissatisfaction. When life is the life of the true Self, all dissatisfaction, anxiety, confusion, and irritation disappear.

--Sekkei Harada Roshi

May all beings know peace.

All things change. Time was, I could be the social butterfly with the best of them. Given the insanely wide range of circles I've moved in over the years, it's not too strange that I've been able to find a way to relate to those I find myself around no matter the supposed differences or barriers that appeared. I even prided myself on that fact, and an ability to switch gears in radical fashion back when I worked a retail floor. It made sense, and allowed me to be helpful in ways I might not otherwise have been able to be had I chose to relate to others on solely my own terms.

While I am still able to relate with others in this fashion, I'm finding myself increasingly sensitive to something I can't quite put a finger on, and find annoying at best, embarrassing at worst.

Last night I...well, attempted to attend a function where one would expect to find people of like minds gathered for a good cause. And I balked. What is it?

When people are asked to give proof that they are living, they often cite the fact that they can hear and feel things. But this is not proof that you are living. It is merely a description of living. You perceive your self, the ego, "me," and then simply describe your present condition by saying that because you can see and hear and feel you are living. Someone who is dead cannot, obviously, describe what the condition of death is like. The reason is that it is already their reality. There is a problem of how to demonstrate the reality of living without description.

Even if you are aware of minute changes within the flux of events, you must understand that it is ego that knows it and not the true Self. This means that with regard to our whole life, as long as the thing we call "me" does not stop intervening, it is not possible to lead a life that is truly free and peaceful. You are already free, but since you want freedom, you lose it. Consequently, it is necessary to free yourself from thinking that things must be this way or that way. This too is the meaning of the first teaching, "all things are impermanent."

--Sekkei Harada Roshi

May all beings know peace.

Well, all righty then... This post puts me over the 100 posts mark. Don't know if there's any meaning to that other than having been at this for a while now... Don't know if there needs to be... I haven't gone back through them in a while; nostalgia being something I've not gravitated towards in quite a while (music non-withstanding...). I can imagine that I'm still whining about the same things, making the same decisions, and falling into the same holes as I was over two years ago.

While all that's true, growth has occurred...a sense of stability in the nothingness that pervades interaction, a recognition of the power inherent in me, and well, I am living on my own now. The openness and honesty with which I've at least attempted to approach everything has brought a sense of clarity and a lack of worry (well, maybe not to my finances...lol...), and has allowed me to trust more fully (and one would hope more intelligently...) once again. Yet, here I am, whining again! What is it?

The rut involves a combined lack of excitement and direction. I'm pouring all this "good" stuff in, yet still find myself stammering at the gate when it comes to getting myself out there in even the slightest fashion. I am enfolded in chaotic, absolute beauty; utterly dumbfounded at the fact that it was only by sheer force of will I could make a trip to the grocery store...a trip that has been the only highlight of my past few weekends.

Sitting with this has been hell. The 800 lb. gorilla grabs my throat and either sweetly suggests I just zone out or throttles me with a "Detach from this, sucka!" And yet, I sit. The path is the goal...and the goal is the path.

What is it?

Now, when you seek the Way, you find it to be universal and complete. How, then, can it be contingent upon practices and enlightenment? The Dharma vehicle is free and unrestricted. What need is there for concentrated effort? Indeed, the whole body of reality is far beyond the world's dust. Who can believe in a means to brush it clean?

The Way is complete and present right where you are. What is the use, then, of practice? And yet, if there is the slightest difference between you and the Way, the separation will be greater than that between heaven and earth. If the least like or dislike arises, the mind is lost in confusion.

Even if you are proud of your understanding and think you are richly endowed with enlightenment and have glimpsed the wisdom that pervades all things; even if you think you have attained the Way, clarified the mind, and gained the power to touch the heavens, you are still only wandering about the frontiers of enlightenment. In fact, you have almost lost the Way of total liberation.

You must take note of the fact that even Shakyamuni Buddha had to sit in zazen for six years. The influence of those six years of upright sitting is still apparent. Also, Bodhidharma's transmission of the Buddhadharma and the fame of his nine years of practicing zazen facing a wall are celebrated to this day. The ancient sages were this diligent in their practice, so how can people today dispense with the practice of zazen?

You should therefore cease from practice based on intellectual understanding and the pursuit of words and letters. Learn the backward step that turns the light inward to illuminate the Self. Body and mind will drop away by themselves, and the essential Self will be manifest. If you wish to attain "suchness," practice "suchness" immediately.

--Dogen

May all beings know peace.

I know, I know... It ain't Sunday... Thought I'd do something different. Or, well, I was so lazy on Saturday that by the time I got everything done on Sunday, there was no time for blogging. So here I sit, pounding keys, awaiting that glimmer of thought that bubbles up occasionally letting me know that it's not just a thousand inebriated simian miscreants guiding my fingers in the same way they fumble over the fretboard.

Several hands went up in our company meeting on Friday when we were asked who would be interested in showing up early Monday for a short (30-45 min.) yoga class taught by none other than one of the bossmen. So four of us (including the other bossman...) showed up this morning. I've never taken a studio class taught by him, but have always heard very good things about him as a teacher. Given the novelty of the setting...it's amazing how I can attach meanings to just a place...and the fact that I've never done yoga in the morning...and the fact that...and there I go, spiraling off into who knows what... It was truly the best start of a Monday morning I've had in a good long while.

We've also got a haiku contest going on in the company blog. I've submitted two; off the cuff observations without rhyme (of course..), but hopefully at least a touch of reason.

These outward things are judged good. There are a few outward things which I judge bad right now as well. What is it?

Although I was extremely lazy Saturday, I was given the best compliment I've received in a long time.

This is what should be done
By those who are skilled in goodness,
And who know the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: in gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born--
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another,
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upward to the skies,
And downward to the depths;
Outward and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down,
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

--The Buddha (Metta Sutta)

May all beings know peace.