Her smile brightens my soul, and send shivers through me I've felt before, but forgotten. I wonder, "has she forgotten me? Does she still see me? Does she know how my heart cries for her?".

The forbidden fruit. That's what she is, but no matter how satisfied I am, I can't resist my urge to want to take a bite. My hunger is gone, but still I long to feed on that fruit. Sin. Adultery. Coveting. Stealing, and its killing me being without her. I love her.

Her body only an image my mind forms from memory, and I find it weird how a feeling can take over me completly. Defenseless. The pit of my stomach gets queasy of butterflies just from the sound of her name.

I need what I can't have and know what I shouldn't want and I torture myself by continuing this path, but its necessary. The pain is worth it, if I can only hear her voice, albeit once. The only thing I hear that echoes endlessly is "goodbye" for that means its over, and when you don't know when the next time is, you feel empty.

For a touch I can't feel, the pain is too real.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night. She told me she wanted a man that was truly in love with her. I told her I loved her and she retorted with "...but you love everyone". Why's it such a big deal that I care for a lot of females if I care about them equally? Why would it matter if I chose to give all of me to one person despite being friends with so many others? So,asking those questions, I'm starting somewhat of a case study of sorts. If I was dishonest with every woman I met or ever will meet in the future and just not tell them that I have other friends I care about, would it matter? She'll be happy, never the wiser, never knowing I have other friends, but that would mean I would have to stop talking to my other friends.

I remember Haileigh saying to me that one day I was going to find a girl and that I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She said that's fine, but she would at least like an occasional e-mail to see how we're doing. I always told her she was wrong, that I wouldn't stop talking to my friends because of a female, but I think she knew better. They'll do anything to try to control you. I'm I willing to be controlled? I think any of you who truly know me knows the answer to that.

There it is. That's the question. Do ladies really want a man to truly love them and only them, or do they want a man to just show it, so long as they believe it? A lot of you will probably say the former, but my point is, if you're none the wiser, why would you even fucking care? You're getting what you want. Be the fuck happy.

Dear Leigh,

Not a day goes by when you're not on my mind. So many things I regret in my life, but one of the main ones is the fact I never got to meet you face to face. We never got to do all the things we talked about. Riding around Texas, introducing me to your way AND the highway. I never got to see the "I don't give a shit" smirk I know so well just from the sound of your voice.

I miss your rants and raves of reality. I miss you telling me I'm being stupid for feeling certain ways about certain things and snapping me instantly back to reality.

Never a day goes by where I don't wish I could take half your illnesses from you just so you can live longer, just so I can hear your beautiful laugh again.

I always feel like I never told you enough about how I really felt, but a lot of that was because I feel you always really knew. I know you never want to hear me say I loved you, and I know that it wouldn't matter if I did so I often just stayed quiet.

I wished I was a more significant part of your life, but I'm grateful to be your best friend...or one of them. I will always hold you near and dear to my heart, despite being unable to see you personally, or talk to you or even hear your dulcet voice anymore.

Love you with all my heart, always and forever...

Me

I know its been a while since I've posted anything. Honestly, since everyone is on Facebook now there's almost no point. However, I still come here to write about my feelings and events in my life to those who care enough to want to know.

As some of you know, I been talking about and anticipating my trip to Tampa to see Stephanie and to get away from Rockaway. It isn't the first time its been scheduled that we'd meet each other. I think its the 4th or 5th. Once again, it didn't happen. She told me she got the Swine Flu. Well, I hope she feels better.

Needless to say, I stayed in Rockaway with my family. All I know is I wanted to go out. I really wanted to be with someone though. I didn't want to be alone. Unfortunately, I have NOBODY. So, I stuck with my family. Mark. Dess and I hung out. Dess didn't want to be cooped up in the house, so we kidnapped Mark and went to the mall. Anytime we go out we have fun, and that was no exception. That was Friday.

Saturday, my friend Joe invited me with him and his wife to the Comic Con in Manhattan. I should have taken more pics, but my phone was acting up so I didn't. I'll post some when I get them from Joe. Comic Con was a lot of fun. It made me wish I was dressed up. I wanted to be Juggernaut for Halloween, but I really have no idea how to get such a costume so...maybe next time. Oh yeah, I'm going to Comic Con next year with the hopes of having a costume.

Saturday night when I got home, me, Dess, Mark and his girlfriend went out to Applebees for dinner. Once again, we had a lot of fun. Saturday was a good day, but still, I just feel...alone. The bottom line is, I'm not getting my hopes up to go somewhere any more where I have to rely on someone else. If I can take matters more into my own hands then I'll do it that way. Otherwise, there's no place like home.

Today is my first day back to work, going in early cause my boss isn't feeling that well. I don't mind helping out. I just hope she feels better. She's going through a lot.

Well, anyway, I'll be in touch. Take care all.

I don't mind working the weekends. Granted, I like my football on Sundays, but so long as I can wake up the next morning and catch my Gameday on the NFL network, I'm fine. Rich Eisen, Steve Mariucci, and of course Deion Sanders makes the show entertaining whether you know anything about football or not.

This Sunday my schedule is ALL jacked up. I open tomorrow. Sundays we open at 11, and I think I'm scheduled til 2:30. 4 hours, then I'm also scheduled from 6 - 8. Mandatory meeting. I got a 4 hour period of nothingness. I guess I can go in Sears and watch whatever game they're showing.

My trip is already this Wednesday. I can't wait. I just gotta find out what to bring as far as clothes are concerned. I'm also thinking about taking PTO during my trip. We'll see. I scheduled my trip so that I'd doesn't conflict my working schedule really. I hope it goes well.

I'm on the LIRR omw to the mall, so I will holler later people. I'd love to watch the Florida Gators play LSU. Should be an interesting game to watch.

The funeral is tomorrow. As it is, I have no idea how we're getting there yet. I'm on my way to work and I guess I gotta pack clothes or whatever. Just something to wear to the service. My mind is a potpourri of thoughts right now. The sadness of John's sudden death, bills catching up with me, my trip to Florida coming up and everyone telling me "maybe I shouldn't go". There's more to that, but I'm not getting into that right now.

I'm currently on my way to work. I might try to leave early to get home in time to get my things together. I need to get myself together. I feel like I'm slowly coming unglued.

"Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down" as said in Linkin' Park's "Pushing Me Away". I wouldn't say I never frown, but I do smile less lately. What's wrong with me? Too many things.

Cutting this short. Just made it to work. Have a good day everyone

I told Amanda yesterday that I was drained. Physically and emotionally. No, nothing that bad, I just feel like I'm nearing my wit's end I guess. Physically, my feet are hurting but I'm used to the pain by now. Only hurts when I first get out of bed and anymore I don't know how noticeable my limping is. Working 9+ hours at Queens Center Mall, 8 and a half closing last night and opening today is tiresome, but necessary. Its something I'm used to by now but just hard on the feet. Other than that and a lack of a good nights sleep, I'm fine. The latter also ties into my emotions.

Emotionally there's just a lot of stuff. John's death is among the things atop the list. I called mom yesterday while I was at work because I wanted information to engrave on Dess' frame I got her for her baby shower. Mom asked me if I wanted to write something for John's obituary. I told her I would and I wrote down a few things. Sad to do when I'm at work, but ah well. I caught myself reminiscing about him. I was sad, but no tears.

Yesterday was a really slow day. The few customers that came in though were couples. Holding hands, kissing, hugging and whatnot. I had a lady come in. She's actually a regular customer and everytime she comes its usually a problem. Her getting something for her man. And I'm sure she's somewhat dishonest or thinks my memory is suspect, but that's another story. This time she needs a gift that's discreet she tells me. Automatically, I know she's cheating on her boyfriend, but I don't question anything. When I go to engrave her item I decided to go in a bit deeper. She pretty much told me she was fooling around with a married man and how all men are the same and how single men always promise to give her the world but never want her to give her attention when she needs it, but married men do...or at least this one does. She pissed me off with that, but I just chilled. The whole "men are the same" thing kills me for 2 reasons. 1, its usually followed by "I'm not talking about you, Scott" which automatically voids out the statement, or doesn't make me a man. 2, if all men are the same, why the fuck are you complaining? You should already know what to expect. In her case was the whole "attention" thing. She's getting attention now I'm sure, but when it comes down to it, his wife comes first I'm sure...at least I'd hope. If you're gonna open your legs, most guys married or not are probably gonna jump in. Anyway, I didn't finish schooling the homewrecking hore because some annoying russian couple came in being needy. They were annoying. The woman I was talking to was kinda cute. My type of woman. Short, thick (heavy side) long hair, probably latin, maybe white, and stupid, but she'll figure that out on her own.

On my way to work now. Found out I may not be able to make it to the funeral. Dad told me its gonna be $200 per person. Oil bill, financial aid, and cell phone bill is due and my check this friday was covering it. I'm tapped out. I might as well be in the Crippler's Crossface. Well, we'll see what happens though. Have a good day. I'll try to do the same.

...Queens Center that is. I'm currently on my way to the Queens Center Mall to cover an opening shift for their Things Remembered store. I'm on one of these stupid ass new buses that I hate so much. The back is elevated for whatever reason and it makes it slightly hard to see your stop. Maybe its just the fact I'm not too certain on where I'm going, or the fact this man sitting next to me has a tremendously large head I can't see past, but either way I'm none too sure where I'm going, just trusting the path of the bus.

I did check it out online, and Dess told me that this bus goes to the mall, but everytime I go to a new place I've never been, I have a twinge of doubt. I'm nervous to travel to the unknown I guess, but I found a number of ways to get there so getting home shouldn't be a problem. I prefer the Long Island bus. At least they say every stop when you get there.

Anyway, imma get off here and focus on where I'm at. I'll holla later. :)

As I've told some of you, my cousin John died a few days ago. Its messed up, man. I've posted a few blogs about him in the past, mostly about my annoyances with him. I choose not to remember him for those annoyances. I remember the first time I saw him way so many years ago. We went to Unk Unk's house as we did for every Christmas back in the day. Him, and his brothers Tommy and Robbie. Wow...that was so many years ago that its but a vague memory. Heh, I remember they hooked up an Intellivision console at the house that we got to keep. I had to be but 3 or 4. Anyway, I came upstairs today and I could tell mom was a bit sad. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek and asked how she was doing. She said she has her good and bad moments. Then she told me that John had gotten the wish he wanted. That was when he died, he'd be clean, and he was as far as we know. Dess told mom that he has another wish and that was that he'd die before mom. Hell, that brought a tear to MY eyes. Its just crazy to me how he called us just this past Saturday. I answered the phone and everything. He wanted to place a bet with mom that his New England Patriots would beat Mom's New York Jets. Pats lost 16 - 9. Jets beat the big, bad Patriots. That was the last I heard from him. He was fine. For his heart just to stop like that...that's just crazy to me. Far as I know, the funeral is on October 3rd in North Carolina. I plan on going with my family.

I'm also thinking about Unk Unk. This has to be hard on him. He's John's father for those who don't know, also Mama Dru's brother. Losing both Mama Dru and his wife in the span of a couple years, as well as a son has to make him feel...I don't know. Can't even imagine.

As for me, I'm just cruisin right now. I'm currently on my way to work. I'm on the bus watching a teacher grade test papers. Its kinda interesting. All of those years of going to school I never watched it. She just Xed MAD stuff on some kids paper. What can I say, I'm easily amused.

Okay. My friends, I love you all dearly. I can be distant, but don't take it to mean something it isn't. October is gonna be an interesting month I think. Me going to Florida...*smiles* I can't wait. I want to get away, and my hostess is excited to have me. Ooh...I'm tingling to get away. Its long overdue.

I'll be in touch peoples. :). Later

Top of the morning to all of you. Just another day. Trying to get my mind right. It might be a long day today. Just a buncha crap I have to do at work and yet, not really sure with how to do it. When it comes to visual, I'm never really happy with it. I don't know when something looks right, but I can always tell when it looks wrong. Its kinda like eating food, knowing something is missing...a taste, a flavor, so you add salt, pepper and whatever else and it doesn't make it better. Still needs it. It gets to the point where I'm like "good enough" and move on to my next project. My boss always says "look at the picture" as they always give us pictures to how certain areas of the store should look. The only problem is, our store is a lot smaller than the visual book allows. So, we have to improvise. Its annoying.

Other than work, things aren't that bad. Dess had the baby a couple days ago. Her name is Aaliyah Dru. They're supposed to be getting out of the hospital today sometime. I still don't know exactly how the transition is going to work with her getting my room, but whatever. I guess it'll be done.

I made my plans final. I'm going to Florida on the 14th of October. I'm excited for it. I can't wait. Its only for a few days, but still I need to get away and have some fun. I deserve it, don't I? I hope she's as excited to have me as I am to going there. Heh, maybe even more.

I don't know how many of you still read my blogs. Facebook is/has taken over. Yes, I use Facebook a lot more now too, but my blogs remain here. I find it hard to have over 800 blogs archived and start from scratch on a new site. I got friends deleting their myspace because they don't need it anymore. If my blog goes private, well...who cares? It doesn't matter who reads it anymore anyway. Its where I vent and sometimes display the goings on in my life and sometimes sort out the problems I encounter.

I wonder if Leigh still reads them...