As 2010 nears, changes will be made.  I don't know what they'll be yet, but I know which direction I WANT them to go.  With Things Remembered, I'm not sure what's going to happen with that.  Will I make it to my 5th year?  I don't know.  Do I want to?  I don't know.  I need a relevant raise.  I'm not sure how much they think I'm worth, but as things are right now, I'm not going anywhere.  I'm thinking about seeking other options, but first I want to see exactly what's going to happen this year.  I'm pretty sure this is going to be my boss' last year with our store, Amanda begins her externship this year, so she's not going to be there, and I don't know what's in store for me. 


As things are now, currently, I worked today 11 hours and I'm off the next 3 days.  I work New Years Eve and New Years, both opening shifts.  I kinda feel bad in a way, because I've never worked both days in a row, but I've never had both days off either.  I understand everyone has plans, probably gonna be out drinking and be too hungover to work.  Well, lucky for them, I don't drink, smoke, or party.  Don't get me wrong, it's not sour grapes, my availability to my job is open.  Always has been, and I try to work every day I'm scheduled.  I hate it when things are complicated, so I try to be as manageable and as easy as possible.  Shanna tries to give me whatever I ask for if she can.  She's been great to me over the years.  It's hard for me to see anyone coming into Valley Stream and running our store that's not her.  I'd say make Tara the manager and me the assistant.  I know Tara got her sights set on something higher than TR, so I guess that'd make ME the manager by default.  I don't think I want to be the manager of my own store.  Scares the hell out of me what Shanna goes through with her bosses and making schedules and having to answer to other people when something ain't right.  My patience is still long, but I don't know how long it would stay there with people breathing down our neck all the time.  I'd have to live up to the expectation of the store Shanna pretty much made a success from day 1.


I told someone this is the last holiday I'm spending alone.  I'mma get me a good woman, maybe a wife this next year coming.  Okay, too soon to start takling about marriage now, but I'd like to have someone to kiss under a mistletoe, or to give special things to for February 14th or something like that.  Taht's a work in progress...and we still await the outcome.  As for now, I'm tired.  Falling asleep as I post, so goodnight everyone.  :D

Its 1:30am. I'm on the 'A' train waiting for it to go. Home is only 4 stops away and I have no idea what time this train leaves. Could be 2 minutes, or could be 15. I've already been sitting here for about 10 minutes, so I really don't know. Anyway, I'm just glad to be almost home. This is what taking life one step at a time is. All I'm thinking now is for this train to be moving, walking through the icy path from the train station to my block, up the 11 stairs that's my house saying hi to everyone, then back down the same stairs to my room and bed. I'm thinking about literally every step I have to take because each one is one step closer to the next day.


Today is that day. Christmas Eve. I'm excited for it. I can't wait for the time to come when I can have someone to spend the holidays with all my own. Create my own traditions with my own family, but respecting the ones I've always known. This year, has been a confusing and painful one. This decade has. 2010 is soon. *Closes my eyes* so close. We pray to God and thank him for each day He gives us. I know I am. He's made me such a durable person. I usually question what my purpose is, but I look around and I can smile. My job is to make everyone else happy.


When my time comes, all my posessions go to my brothers and sisters...not that I have anything worth giving. At my funeral, I just want someone to say "if Scott were still alive, he'd probably say "Scleep! I ain't dead, cockface!". So many tears, and yet so many laughs.


No matter how angry or stressed we all get sometimes, we have to realize that its a long road we all have to travel to get to our final destination. Some of us never reach it, but most enough never stop walking. All I know is my feet hurt like hell, but as long as they support my weight, forward is where I'll be moving.


Much love to you all. :)

Its the time of year again where I sit and reflect on the things that means a lot to me. My family is always there for me, but lately all that has been on my mind is leaving. There's a couple of things going on with me which I won't talk about here cause its not the time or place to, but that's another story.


I'm thinking about Christmases past and future. This Christmas, I'm hoping will be pretty good. Times are rough for everyone, me included. Stephanie actually helped me out a lot. A little for her maybe, but a lot for me. I guess through the years I kind of let slip from my mind the true meaning of Christmas.


I'm a firm believer in karma and that it works both ways. Stephanie's gift to me made me nervous. Anything good that happens usually follows something bad and vice versa. I don't take the time weighing every little thing as good and bad so I have no way of knowing which side of karma I'll always be on. For Christmas, karma doesn't count. Its a holiday for giving. All these years, I've given my all and my last so I suppose its not such a bad thing to receive every now and then. As spoiled as mom always made me, I'm not really spoiled at all. Hell, I always feel undeserving of anything I get and that probably won't change.


Also, there's a close friend who I feel is really interested in me, and the feeling is mutual. I don't know how or when we'll meet each other but I can really see it working out. Its just gonna be difficult at first. We're still in stages of feeling each other out but all I know is I want it to work. Every time I feel this way about someone though, something goes wrong. This is different. So many possibilities of bad things that can happen, but if its meant to be, then...fuck it. Wow. I don't believe I said that. I don't believe in "meant to be". Perhaps I should say "WANT to be".


I'm thankful to still have all of you as my friends, in my life and in my heart. Leigh, if you're still around and you read this, I love you forever and I wish I could be by your side right now, just to see you. To my family, I'm nothing without any of you. You are who I am. To Nicole, *smiles* anytime. ;)

I can break out into a crap load of complaints about my day today, but I'm not.  My day was actually pretty decent, considering I was scheduled to be at work by 5am.  It's not the first holiday season I was scheduled at least once that early.  I think I was a couple times last year also.  The mall doesn't open til 7, but I got a text from my boss telling me that I could come in at 6 because everything was under control.  I checked the LIRR schedule the night before and it turns out there's one train that gets to Valley Stream before 5, and that one leaves from Far Rockaway at I think 3:23 AM and gets there at 3:43.  I'd get to the mall at 4-ish, and do nothing but twiddle my thumbs while I wait for something to open up so I can get some breakfast or something.  The train after that one departs at 5:23 and gets to V.S. at 5:43, obviously, later than I'm scheduled, but still earlier than 6 so not too bad.  That's what I thought I'd have to do today.


I set my alarm for 3:45am, figuring it'd give me plenty of time to shower, get dress and make that 5:23 train.  I was out the door by around 4:30.  Now, it only takes me about 7 - 20 minutes to get to Mott Ave from here, that includes the time spent waiting on a van or bus to come, but this early in the morning, neither runs.  Actually, they both don't start running til around 5.  We just had probably (and hopefully) the biggest snow storm of the year, so it's really cold out, there's snow all over the place, and taxi services won't answer the phone.  The only way to get to Mott Avenue that early is by taking the 'A' train.  Well, the train station I'm closest to is currently under construction on one side of the platform, which happens to be the side I need to get on to get to where I need to go.  I didn't think of this until I was half way up the block and saw the train going to Manhattan.  At this point I thought, well, maybe the vans are running.  So there I stood, waiting for ANYTHING that was going in that direction, and true to my word, no vans or buses ran until 5, but they start running from Far Rockaway first, so I had to wait for one to go to the last stop and come back.


I was standing in front of a corner store.  I saw cabs going back and forth, so I grabbed my phone and dialed every cab number I could think of, and they all either rang busy or they didn't pick up.  All the cab services in Far Rockaway are 24 hours, but I guess they were all busy.  A cab driver stopped at the corner store I was standing in front of, so I checked my pockets scraping change to see if I had $5 so I could see if he wasn't too busy to take me to the LIRR station while I still had time to make the train.  I got my money together, then I walked to him.  Called to him.  "Sir.  Sir?  Hello SIR!" ...nigga kept walking away.  Now I'm YELLING.  "SIIIIRRRR!!!!" following him to his car like a deranged stalker or something.  He got in his cab, and I knocked on his window.  He had a passenger in the back seat, whom I ignored.  He glanced at me and pulled off...fuckin bitch.  I'm assuming he thought I was gonna ask him for change or try to rob him.  All I was trying to do was get some aid, which is out of character for me enough as it is.  That is the reason why.

Van finally came at around 5:20.  I got to Mott Ave by around 5:25.  Just missed my train, so I went to the bank to take money for a cab out.  Homeless guy in there both keeping himself warm, and keeping me from breathing while I made my transaction.  $25 for a cab from there to a mall.  Well worth it so I don't be late, I say.  The cab driver I've ridden with before.  He's cool.  We chatted during the ride.  Most of the roads were clear, so I got to the mall in about 15 - 20 minutes, well before 6.  I cleaned the store, and started my day at work. 

Work was....usual.  It was dead however until 5 minutes to 9, when we got our first customer.  As the next hour came, it got busy, then it got nonstop.  Wasn't frustrating today at all.  I was on top of most of the engraving.  T had everything else.  It was flowing well.  Couple re-dos here and there, but far under control.  I don't think we ever went over a half-hour for pickup time.  2 o'clock was coming, store was busy.  I kinda didn't want to leave.  When it's busy I usually want to stay and help out, and today is no exception, but I just wanted to relax for a while.  Right now is pretty much my only enjoyment.  I open, get off early and enjoy, and I have 2 more days like this.  I just gotta find an easier, less expensive way to get to work in the morning.  Tomorrow, I'm setting my alarm earlier and I'm just going to have to suck it up and take the 'A' train minus one stop, so I can go forward and hope to catch the 5:23 train. 

The only thing nagging at my soul right now is, I'm hoping that it doesn't get TOO crazy tonight where they leave for me a shit load of engraving to do.  I have a feeling tomorrow I won't be so lucky as to deal with a dead store for the first couple hours I was there.  Each day closer Christmas looms and the snow melts means more customers earlier AND later.  Nothing I can't handle though...I hope.


As for right now, I'm chillaxin, and I'm about to go eat.  Home sweet home.  Everything is fine, and will be fine.  :)  My energy level is low, but I'm glad for that because I'm hoping it means I'll be able to get to bed early and sleep long enough.  Later people.

Good evening all, or perhaps I should say good morning. The time is currently 2:20 Antemeridian. I'm on the train on my way back to Far Rockaway now. I have a lot on my mind. What else is new, right?

Today wasn't a bad day overall, but as the time passes by I see my patience isn't what it used to be. I feel myself getting quick tempered and frustrated when I shouldn't be. That's primarily work though. A lot of customers piss me off, although I have some usuals who comes in who I love to see. A couple of them came at the same time and I could only help them both minimally. It was a little too busy. It wasn't chaotic though, which is good because we kept the engraving time under an hour. Thank goodness for Cheyenne. That's all I can say.

Other than work, I'm not happy with my Christmas shopping this year. Mom, Dad, and my brothers and sisters I gotta get things for and I don't know where to begin. That's something that I'll figure out soon enough.

I have one more stop to go, so I'll make this brief. I'm sorry if I haven't been around or seem different. I have tons of things on my mind and I'm being worked like crazy. Tomorrow I get off at 2:30 am and I have to be back Sunday at 9. Hopefully, I'll leave early enough to catch the same train I just got off of, but even if I do, that leaves me with maybe 4 hours of sleep and that's if I'm lucky enough to have someone take me to work at 8:30. Maybe I'll take a cab tomorrow.

On top of all that, we're getting a blizzard. Oh boy can't wait for that. This isn't like Christmases past where I had someone who would or could drive me home or even to the trainstation. Nope. I'm solo this year. I'm not looking for sympathy. I never do. That's life. That's the life I live. Never asking for help but always doing what I can, when I can.

Let's face it. We've all played it before at one point or another. I'm wondering if its different for guys than for gals. I'd say it depends on the person I suppose. What it is, whenever you meet someone and are in the process of getting to know them and even getting to the point of starting to really like the person, one of them will say "I love you" at the end of the conversation.

I swear, this is like getting hit with a jab in boxing. Always feel like you're getting set up for a right cross. I have love for everyone. Its easy for me to say it because of it, but when someone is getting feelings for me and they say it, obviously I'm going to say it back. That's how you work the jab. I hope I get knocked out soon. :)

Now don't get me wrong, I've had the best time of my life in California. Christine is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I tell her that all the time. True indeed, I didn't want to leave and would love to go back there and chill with her. I still miss her smile and her hugs, but I remember them through our pics and memories.

Other than that, I await some of you to come see me also. I don't mind traveling the globe to see whomever. There's a certain female I've been talking to for a few months now I'd love to visit. I feel like I have to know what it would be like to see her in person. I don't have the slightest clue, but I'm aching to find out. She knows who she is, and I hope she feels the same way. ;)

Anyway, I'm away from home now, but on my way home on the LI double R. It was a long fucking day today and I don't feel like talking about it. Just a lot of BS, and I have to turn around and do it again tomorrow. I love you guys. Take care.

Just like in any major sport, you have people who are the home team and the away, or visiting team. For me, the meaning is the same in life. The reason the home team plays better at home than on the road is because people are more comfortable at home. They have more people who support them, even at their worst times.

I've been out of New York City probably a dozen times in my life as far as staying somewhere overnight is concerned and yes, I've had fun, but there's no place like home. I think about people wanting me to move in with them or to move somewhere so we could be closer as it might be easier for me to do that than for them, but I don't know if I can. Eventually, I'll have to, I know. It won't be easy, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

The Internet is a fascinating thing. Its easy to get absorbed into it and hard to become detach yourself from. I remember the days of 56k all too well, but because it was new for us, we didn't mind. All up until I tried to play half-life online for the first time and the download took 8 hours and if we were disconnected from the Internet we'd have to start from scratch. Then, we got Road Runner and never looked back. Meep, meep.

Since, I've made some pretty amazing friends, found love for the first time, got my heart broken, and even lost my virginity. The only thing that's messed up with the Internet is because you don't have the voice interactions or personal face-to-face conversations, its hard to tell what kinda mood the person you're talking to is in.

I say that to say this. Its easy to draw your own conclusions by what you see and follow your own opinions, be it based on what I might write here in my blogs, but I guess only a select few who actually get to know me really understand where I'm coming from.

When I created this blog on Myspace in '05 it wasn't about getting attention. I've used it to talk about good times, bad times, random things on my mind, thoughts, poetry, politics, etc, although probably the most memorable ones are about what bothers me. What I think happens is, because I write so many blogs, people skim through the ones of my random thoughts but reads more word for word when its about something bothering me. Nothing really wrong with that; it means you guys care about me. Your comments reflect that. I think there are probably 4 of you who'll read and comment on my blog now. I appreciate and love you all.

Just want to make one thing clear. I've never been an attention whore. Oh, I like attention probably as much as anyone else, but its not what I crave. That's not the purpose for my blogs, contrary for what one might believe. I try to avoid saying Sonya's name here, and I don't know why I get so mad at her. The truth, I've loved her for a long time. Mostly it was I loved our friendship. There was a moment where she probably loved me too, but at that time, I think I had it set in my mind we'd be better as friends only. We talked about kids. She'd probably make a great mother. I used to listen to how she raised her niece or god daughter or whatever and it made me want to have one of my own. Something I knew wouldn't happen, but always nice to dream. I'll never deny having feelings for her.
I loved our friendship, but at times I felt I was the only one trying to maintain it. Yes, I'm speaking in terms of past tense. Its happened before, 2 or 3 other times and each time we wound up talking again somehow, even if I thought it improbable to happen. I had to delete the last blog apologizing to her because the comments were getting outrageous. She commented back in retaliation to Amber and Christine's comments, and accused me of deleting it because I was afraid of them reading what she said. Lol. Amber, Christine, Courtney...and the rest of you guys, I don't think I'm saying anything new here today that I haven't said before. Sonya, if you're reading this and have something you want to add, by all means, go ahead. It won't do anything. My friends are my friends. They defend me if they feel they have to, or even if they don't. I don't know what change you thought you were going to bring, but if I would have left that comment you posted, all 3 of them would have commented back attacking you, and you would have just got more mad at me. Everything was cool, until you read a comment from one of my friends feeling free to speak their mind on my blog...which is what I created it for in the first place...and I'm writing because "I need attention"? ...c'mon, son.

I think I know the type of person I am by now. I know what the people who are my friends see in me or want from me, and I will admit, I don't know what I expected or wanted from you but I'm sorry it ended the way it did. You're a sweet and wonderful person and maybe things will clear again. But for now, goodbye.

Before I left for work today, I watched most of The View with mom. It was really interesting. They were talking about the trial that the terrorists are supposed to undergo and about how they want to represent themselves because they don't trust the U.S. To appoint them with any lawyers. Joy Behar asked if it was going to be televised because it was something America would probably watch, but not really want to watch. Sadly, I know a bunch of people who would love to see the trial. I don't think I would. The people did what they did because they wanted to strike fear into the U.S. Through national TV and they got what they wanted. To give them more exposure is unnecessary. Elisabeth and Joy got into a very heated discussion over this topic and it was fascinating seeing their views.

Robin Williams was a guest host on The View today. I've always found him funny and thought he was a good actor despite the fact he's crazy as hell. Maybe that's why he's so good. One of the things he talked about was his open heart surgery he had and said some of the side effects to some of the medications they prescribed was rectal ventriloquism. That shit was FUNNY. "Hey, how are YOU doin?" And the ass replies "HEEEEY. We're GOOOD NOW!"

Last night was pretty good too. First of all, I'm not feeling too well. I'll tell you all that now. I have a cold that seems to be getting progressively worse. Had it for a week which started with a sore throat, then sneezing, then a mild runny nose, then a congested throat, then a scratchy throat making it hard to speak, and now a combination of all of the above. I really wasn't feeling well yesterday at all. I didn't want to be bothered at all, but people are always on their stupid shit. I probably rubbed a customer or 2 the wrong way, but I did what I could. One of our machines broke down and I made it worse by trying to install software onto it. Didn't work too good. We have an extra engraver in the back room, but its slow as ass fuck. We also had more shipment with no room for it so we improvised with a lot of stuff. We're supposed to be getting visited by the regional manager today. I don't know if she's really gonna come or not yet, but we'll see. I gotta call tech support to see if they'll fix that machine for us AGAIN. The 3rd time in over a month it broke down. Tiring.

On the good side, our weekly bets we make on the NFL finally made me the solitary victor. It came down to the Tennessee Titans @ the Houston Texans. If the Titans won, I win all the money. If the Texans won, Kev and Nay would split. Texans won by 3. YESSS. Good shit, C.J.!! It wasn't but 9 bucks, but its 9 bucks I so desperately needed. :)

Well, I'm at the mall now, so I'll holla later. Love you all.