in light of my transitory state of the past few months, i've been poring over volumes  purporting to be manuals--guides to the developing process--with lists, statistics, charts & diagrams.  most of them aren't worth the cost of the paper on which they're printed, i might add.  the first one i purchased was so fear-based & ridiculous, i threw it across the room a few pages in & insisted the store take it back.  how is it that the origins of all human life, occurring multitudes of times daily for zillions of years, got relegated to medical crisis? 

but i believe this one truth about the situation may capture the significance of the problem  (& many others) most succinctly:  even amongst the useful and conscious books i eventually unearthed, the diagrams of the human body (the female human body, that is) are not anatomically correct.  they're like short-hand children's illlustrations, missing parts & leaving out crucial information.  i have searched & searched & finally found 2 depictions that seem mostly complete.  now, if this "condition" were one which occured with equal frequency to another group--men, black folk only, the disabled--and literally thousands of books had been written on the topic, i'm going to bet that accurate diagrams would be the norm, not the exception.  what year is this anyway?  and if i were a martian (& i could be) looking in all this, i'd say humans have a glaring psychological complex with their very own essence, in addition to huge delusions that such doesn't exist.

a few of the helpful ones:
Birthing From Within
Spiritual Midwifery
The Secret Life of the Unborn Child
Lisa Goldstein's Childbirth Classes (& accompanying book)

goddesst


as in, are we ready to start being our goddesst selves? or what?

some new terms i've coined for our mutual benefit & usage:

withstrain--as in, 'please withstrain yourself.'

entermuse--if u can do it alone & have fun, it's entermuse. if it requires a friend, it's intermuse.

i pull them back to me, those threads of myself i'd sent out into the world to explore & express. i reel them in and look over their collected dust & shimmers, noting how much farther some traveled than i'd ever anticipated. i send out the next waves in smaller circles: loving with my love & nowhere important to be, using my fingers to bridge paper & color or studying the underappreciated art of holding them perfectly still, sprouting inadvertant garlic midst the unwashed dishes, working up the earth sans machinery, avec gratitude, placing sproutlings and seeds in their spots to be sprinkled & shined, and remembering that, sometimes, all i have in the world to do is love myself & fall asleep.

i pause here to ponder my place in the big picture, peer over my shoulder to see how much ground i've covered, gaze out over the horizons i choose to move toward, and consider the effectiveness of my continued endeavors to align body, mind & spirit.

i feel now a growing sense of flow & resonance, ever-present gratitude in the moment and the moment and the moment. like lifetimes, they fill me. i feel the mortal meeting the eternal. i feel differences set aside. i feel futures i can't yet see. i feel love, expanding beneath my feet, above my brow.

i dream for strength, remembrance, signs i can read, well-lit paths, wakefulness, the "impossible" & the highly unlikely, and to find the snake finding me friendly in her pool.

i find my road stretching far beyond my comprehension, arduous, with responsibilities to be met. but my load and mood are light, as are my feet & heart. and i find i'm not alone.

and i release: the questioning, all that falls by the wayside, all that may never be, assumptions and limits and fears into the night's starry arms.

my days amaze in

such wide & wonderous ways

how could i contain?

uggh.  just witnessed a most disturbing event in an area parking lot--a very unconscious man, who punched his poor sweet plotthound in the face for looking at the open window. 

i know he was unconscious by the utterings that next fell out his mouth: '...bust that ass wide open...'--almost certainly a repetition of something he heard as a child and is now unconsciously spewing at a creature left in his care.  there was little constructive i felt i could contribute to the situation--a pointed glare had to suffice, aware as i was of how friendly my philosophies on consciousness & presumed human superiority would be received by this man.  i can only hope no one intends to actually breed with him--at least until he becomes aware of himself. 

i also soothed the dog as i passed.  it took no more than a kind word to end her anxious barking. le sigh.  let those of us with eyes to see remember how to remain conscious of ourselves & those creatures in our keep.  and for the record, even the bible never issued humankind 'dominion' over the other creatures--the word prior to the many & varied mistranslations was much closer to the english 'stewardship'.

alright, then. it's time to announce the winner. here's the correct answers:

DA CRE8RIX QUIZ

1. While gesturing at his wrist, passing pedestrian asks: 'Do you have any sort of sharp object?' Followed up by: 'I just want to cut this hospital bracelet off.'

b. Uh...no...



2. Bedraggled mumbling woman at 2 am: 'Is there anybody down there under the bridge?'

c. No



3. Slightly scattered-seeming dude on the corner: 'So...where do you do your laundry?'

a. This is cat litter


and the winner is...bean si!  with 2 out of 3 correct.  (however, i have also been known to just turn my outfit inside out, so that one was almost a trick question...)

and your prize is...one hawaiian nut bracelet, made by moi, and with the curse removed!

thanks for playing, all.  twas really fun.

while rest of the world
lies waiting to wake, i've yet
to begin my dreams...