I know I haven't posted a blog in a long time...and there is a reason for that.  I lost my dearest April Dawn Laythe to cancer on August 26th 2008.  I have an April shaped hole in my life and it bleeds constantly.  For a long time, I have just limped along, barely functioning. 
Recently, I returned to doing stand up as it makes me feel alive and I got a job at the local comedy club as their Marketing Director...which is effectively like having a scholarship to do stand up...and that's a good thing.  Between that and me and April's 2 year old daughter...I am slowly starting to heal...but I am sick of being alone.
I can't stand having no one in my life to share movies or the other discoveries I make in life with...no one to take to dinner...and not to be crude or blunt...but I desperately need to get laid.
My life is all about keeping busy.  Any time I stop to think, I break down.  And while I have been on a few dates and met one or two people...they all either want to 'fix' me or want more than I am capable of giving.
So here I am, listening to the Cure (April's favorite band) and bawling like a little bitch with a skinned knee, because now that my house is clean...I have nothing to do today...and wondering why I can't find one god damn woman in this benighted fucking city that can be content with what I have to give and maybe share a movie and give me a reason to smile.
Those who know me will I am sure tell me that I am stepping out too soon...and to them I say...thank you for being my friends...but you have no idea how much I fucking hurt right now.  Those who don't know me will have some well-meaning advice...and I have no idea what to do with that.
I just know that I want to stop feeling so god damn broken, empty and alone.

So, I've been thinking about things and have come to some conclusions that I want to share with all of you.

First off, I figured out how to end the homeless problem!  Yup!  We just give 'em the golf courses, I'm not talking about public ones, I'm talking about private ones where they play like the U. S. Open on!  This does two things.  First, it puts the homeless situation in the view of those who have the money to really fix it.  And I guarantee you it will be fixed.  The first time some conservative white banker can't sink his putt because some one took a shit in the hole, he will sign a pretty big fucking check to get the homeless in a home.  The other thing it does is make golf interesting to watch.  I think golf is boring, like watching cars rust.  But I will tune in every week to see Tiger Woods try to sink a putt from the ass of a homeless guy!  Yup, I will turn in every week to hear the screams as some golfer loses his mind after the 5th hole because at every hole there is a horde of guys working the crowd saying 'Got any change!'  Shit, I might even learn to play!

Secondly, i have to go see my doctor tomorrow so I hope he tells me I've got six months to live.  I hear some you right now moaning.  Why?  Look if I know I'm going to die in six months, I'm not afraid of death, I am fucking free!  First off, fuck my bills!  I am applying for every credit card I can get and buying everything I can with checks.  I'm not worried about paying shit off, I got six months left!  I ain't paying off shit!  I mean, I don't know if you can buy a Maseratti with a check, but I'm certainly gonna fuckin' try!  Secondly, I can do what I want, drug-wise.  Who's gonna tell a guy with six months to live he can't smoke weed or do mushrooms.  No one.  Even the cops would be like, 'Don't worry about it, in six months, the problem will take care of itself!'  Furthermore I will drive as fast as I want.  What cop will give me a ticket?  I may not live to see the inside of the court room!  And I am getting laid.  In fact, I am getting laid more in that last six months than I ever did my entire life!  Who's gonna say no, I got six months left to live!  Shit, even Julie Andrews would throw me a pity fuck! (Oh yeah bitch, who's my Mary Poppins!)  Hell with six months left to live, I might even serve my country!  How, you ask?  Simple.  Here's the deal, the government sends me to Vegas for 72 hours with all the booze pot and pussy I can handle.  Then put me into one of those crop duster prop job fuck planes and load it with TNT because I don't wanna limp away and I will fly into any fucking thing you want!  You name it, I will fuck it up; Terrorist training camp, goat shed, French Embassy, you name it and I will take it the fuck down!

Of couse, that's just my opinion.  And who am I?  Still Kansas City's only fat male stripper!

Later!

Why, my I ask, are we so enamored of Britney Spears? I mean if she wasn't such a no talent hack who was jiggling her ass all the time, we'd nenver know about her.

Not that she and Kevin wouldn't be doing the same divorce dance, they'd just be doing it in a fucking trailer park. And if they were living in a trailer park, most likely somewhere in Deerlick, Alabama, we'd never hear about the rehab, the shaved head, the uncovered muff, the nights on the town or the fact that she and celebrity hanger on K-fuckin'-Fed had finally managed their fucking divorce agreement.

Jesus, can we please get some less whiny, white trash fucking celebrities? I don't think that's asking a lot.

Just a little anti-fucking BS (Britney Spears, Bull Shit, you make the call) bitching from Kansas City's only fat male stripper!

 

Well it's a week after the Who wants to be a superhero auditions and the excitement hasn't faded quite yet. I look back on last weekend fondly and with a smile, thinking more about the people I met than the spot I'm trying to get. I am truly amazed and awed at how wonderful a cross section of humanity I got to meet and make friends with.

And something else occurs to me. This was one of the largest gatherings of geeks I've ever seen. And most of them were married or had girlfriends and they were all hot. Not as hot as April, but hot none the less which means that geeks are doing pretty well these days. Way to go guys! (As for the female geeks that were there, they were all pretty hot too and they all had boyfriends, but that isn't as odd, women so have the upper hand in relationships.)

Having talked to some of these people online since then, I feel almost a familial connection with them. I truly cannot believe my luck. I mean this was an audition and it turned into a party.

So I have gone back to reading comic books, and several other geek things I have missed out on for a while, just to strengthen my hopes and my dreams. And I tell you what, if I should get chosen for the show, then I am going to be fighting to win, not just for myself, not just for my family, but for every single person at those auditions, because in my heart of hearts I believe we all deserve to win.

Oh and a side note. At the auditions, I met 'The Mouth of the South' Jimmy Hart. I signed an autograph gave it to him and walked away. How Vega$ is that?

Just another little piece of where I'm at from Kansas City's only fat male stripper.

So, sleet storm here yesterday, ice coming today and snow tomorrow. Here in Missouri, if you dont like the weather, wait five minutes, it'll change. But the one constant is whenever we get bad weather, people turn into idiots driving on the road. They either go waaaaaay too slow for the conditions at hand therebay turning themselves into slow rolling brake checks on already busy highways, or they are over confident and speeding around changing lanes like the weather is perfect. Between the two, any normal driver becomes a moving target trapped between these two polar driving opposites. Makes you wish that rocket launchers were legal.

These are the same idiots who spend all christmas talking about peace on earth and good will towards men. Yeah, well go fuck yourself. Live it or don't but don't pretend that you live it and then drive like an asshole.

Listen folks, it ain't that hard. On the side streets, give it a test. Drive up to the speed limit and if you begin to skid, let the car slow down by itself (don't step on the brakes) and that gives you a decent guideline for how to drive on the highway. Thus you know if you can hit 20 on the unplowed side streets, you can probably do at least forty on the plowed and salted fucking highway! DUH! The other rule is try to keep your distance from other drivers, leave yourself some breathing room in case the unexpected occurs. Failing that, get off the dam roads and stay off!

Just a little winter driving help from Kansas City's only fat male stripper!

Tonight, is WWE's Pay-Per-View, New Year's Revolution, being broadcast live from Kemper Arena here in Kansas City. And just a word of warning to the WWE and K-Fed about appearing in KC tonight. Guys, if K-Fed appears at any time during the show, I will kick his ass. This is not an idle threat. I will find him and I will kick his ass. I will beat him like a red headed fucking stepchild. Because I am a Comedy Degenerate and it is my duty to stop bad entertainment wherever I see it. So K-Fed, if I see you tonight, it could be bad for both of us. The rest of ya, see ya monday!

Just a taste of things to come from Kansas City's only fat male stripper!