Because I'm sick of MySpace's blog interface (and pretty much MySpace in general), I've started posting on another site. Check it out, if you want.

http://dystopium.wordpress.com/

Enjoy.

In a spoiler-free nutshell, Burn After Reading had the tone of Fargo, but the nihilist, "anti-movie" bent of Big Lebowski. It has people getting killed and losers trying to extort money from others (staples in a Coen Brothers film), but it constantly tries to subvert your expectations and make you realize how unimportant it all is.

As a friend of mine pointed out (Hi, Rory!), this was basically a satire of the espionage genre, and I think the film plays better if you see it as such. All the ominous music and secret government trappings of Washington D.C. are basically there to make you think that all of this is of great importance, only to reveal a few scenes later that whatever notion of urgency or gravity you thought a certain plot point had was completely meaningless. Case in point: George Clooney's "secret device" subplot.

Personally, I laughed my ass off at some points, namely the "wrap-up" scenes with J.K. Simmons. But I found it funny simply because I could see that the Coen Brothers were intentionally trying to make a movie that wanted to fuck over the audience. I mean really put the screws to them. If the "non-ending" of No Country for Old Men was a slap in the face, then Burn After Reading's ending is a full-on blanket party.

Despite my tone regarding what you've read here, I really enjoyed the movie. However, I don't know how it would hold to repeat viewings simply because a lot of the humor and purpose of the movie comes from watching the non-events unfold in an inconsequential manner. And then conclude... sort of. It's complicated.

Fargo is to noir crime drama as Burn After Reading is to government spy thriller.
8.5/10

I saw Pineapple Express recently and I must say, it's not bad. It's not insanely funny or full of non-stop laughs like some of the other Apatow films, however, it does have a very Midnight Run and Hot Fuzz vibe to it, right down to the quickly cut montage of people loading and cocking guns. It's a very conventional action-comedy plot of two guys on the run from bad guys, but the film always breaks from convention the second it feels like it's starting to become cliché.

I wouldn't call Pineapple Express a stoner comedy like how a lot of other people are describing it. I consider "stoner comedies" to be movies that are ONLY funny while under the influence of something; films like Dude, Where's My Car? or every goddamn Cheech and Chong movie ever made. Pineapple Express, on the other hand, is just an action-comedy that happens to focus on two characters who are stoned all the time, which, surprisingly, makes it feel more original than it should be. Their bad (and sometimes good) decision making is fueled by their pot usage and subsequent paranoia, so sometimes things don't go like they would in another action-comedy film. For example, the fight scenes in the movie involve characters who are stoned off their asses, which makes for some of the most hilarious and intentionally inept action choreography ever.

The main thing I want to say in this review is that James Franco is freaking hilarious in this. His character is full of funny one-liners and easily could have been a one-dimensional stereotype, but with how Franco plays him, he comes off as disarmingly naive and completely likable. I would recommend watching this for his performance alone. Honestly.

Pineapple Express is not the best film ever, although it did entertain the hell out of me. It's funny and filled with action, but the violence might take some people aback (especially in the third act). If you can handle, say, Die Hard, you'll probably be okay. I'd recommend Pineapple Express as a definite rent, but watching it in the theater is a matter of taste. If you feel that action-comedy films like Midnight Run or Hot Fuzz lose something by not seeing it in the theater, then by all means, get your ticket for Pineapple Express.

FINAL SYNOPSIS: 8/10 -- Pineapple Express is really fun and enjoyable, despite a few missteps in the plot department.

Sure, this is fan-fic and no, there's no way it's going to happen as it has no grounding in reality. And sure, I'm kind of pulling stuff out of my ass as I'm writing it. But dammit, this is what I would like to see happen in the next installment of Christopher Nolan's take on the Batman franchise.....

*CONTAINS DARK KNIGHT AND BATMAN BEGINS SPOILERS*




Two years after the events of The Dark Knight, Batman is still on the lam for the crimes perpetrated by the late District Attorney Harvey Dent. Believing that Batman is responsible for Dent's five murders--two of which were cops--members of the Gotham City police force are getting desperate in their manhunt of the Caped Crusader. In a final attempt at catching Batman, investigators have called on Edward Nygma, a thief who was captured by Batman between the events of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, to assist the police in exchange for a full pardon of his crimes. With his incomparable intellect and rationalizing skills, Nygma can decipher clues and think in abstract ways to find the evidence necessary to lead the police straight to Batman. In other words, he's virtually impossible to out-smart. Besides, who better to think like a criminal than another criminal?

Unlike previous interpretations of the Riddler, this one would not be a svelte, goofy man wearing garishly green tights covered in question marks. This Riddler is collected and controlled, pristine in appearance, and calculating and unblinking in his every move. He's an obsessive compulsive egoist, both meticulous and mysophobic. To put it succinctly, this Riddler is more like Hannibal Lector than Screwy Squirrel.

While Commissioner Gordon and the rest of the police force have their hands full with the Riddler, Batman carries on as usual, catching crooks and undermining the criminal element in Gotham. Just as Batman has a handle on things, Talia Al Ghul, daughter of the fallen Ra's Al Ghul from Batman Begins, comes to Gotham City with the last members of The League of Shadows to exact revenge on the man who killed her father. While she sends her minions to do her bidding and fight Batman, Talia investigates Gotham's high society by posing as a rich CEO to learn more about who could've killed her father. As she mingles with the prestige class of Gotham, she becomes interested in a Mr. Bruce Wayne.

Bruce sees in Talia something that he had never seen in any other woman since the passing of Rachel Dawes. As Bruce and Talia both draw closer to each other--romantically and physically--they begin to question the reason for their alternate lives. Is the past really worth clinging on to if it means losing your potential future? What would happen if you simply stopped fighting? Would anyone notice or care?

Just as Bruce Wayne begins to contemplate hanging up the cape and cowl, The Riddler starts to close in on his investigation. While rummaging through the police files concerning Batman, Nygma discovers that Gordon has been covering for Harvey Dent this whole time, and that Batman is innocent of the murders. Seeing an opportunity for blackmail, Nygma turns the screws on Gordon in order to get leverage. Now that he has the upper hand, The Riddler will stop at nothing to seek revenge on the only person who has ever caught him--Batman.

Will the Riddler get the Gotham Police force under his thumb and amass a platoon of Gotham's best boys in blue to take down the Batman once and for all? Will Bruce Wayne give up being Batman, or will he rise up and fight in his darkest hour? Will Talia discover that Bruce Wayne and Batman are one in the same? Stay tuned! Same bat-time, same bat-channel!

If this were to happen--any of it--the main thing I'd like to see is Crispin Glover play The Riddler. As far as I'm concerned, there's no one else. Fuck Johnny Depp. Seriously. Just take Crispin Glover, dress him in a dark green, three piece suit, dye his hair a dark shade of red... presto.
Given Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker, the last thing you want in your sequel is for a very similar, but less interesting, villain. So instead of an extroverted loud-mouth, go for someone quiet and introverted. That's why I want my version of The Riddler and why I want Crispin to play him.

As for Talia, get any pretty, exotic-looking woman (Ra's Al Ghul's reach was global, so her mom could be anyone) who is a decent actor. Aishwarya Rai, maybe? I don't know. I'd actually rather see a newcomer be given the chance to show up and just wow everybody. Whoever it'd be, it would have to be someone who could go toe to toe with Christian Bale and have some chemistry with him.

Well, that's my thoughts. What are yours? What do you want to see in a sequel?

I'm famous! Sort of. Okay, not at all.



Could you see me when they cut to Chicago? No? I was standing right behind the famous Dancing Matt.

Dammit.

I didn't see me either. Oh well. Maybe when it becomes available for download you can go frame by frame and try and find Waldo -- er, I mean, me. If you want to try and spot me, I'm in the back row, right side, in the initial rush at the beginning and standing just behind Dancing Matt when the video showcases Chicago. Just look for the fat blob wearing a grey t-shirt.

Even if I'm not visible, at least I have the pictures and memories though, right?
It was pretty sweet, actually. All those people gathered together for one purpose: to dance badly. And I'd like to think that he came to Chicago based on the e-mail I wrote to him two years ago.... I'd LIKE to think that, although I probably wasn't the only one to suggest dancing in front of Chicago's famous Cloud Gate, a.k.a. the Bean. *sigh* Oh well.

Whenever I'm asked, "What's your favorite scene from The Sixth Sense?" I would usually answer by punching the questioner in the throat because I didn't like that movie.* Then I would tell them that it was this scene...



If you've truly given up on life and/or don't understand the reference, click [here] and feel the pain.

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*Bruce Willis' character walked around for a whole fucking year and never noticed that he was dead? Are you telling me that his wife ignoring him at the restaurant was the first AND ONLY time he ever tried to talk to someone and got brushed off? Seriously? Please.

At my work, we institute what we call Half Day Fridays. (I call them TGI Half-Day Fridays, but that's just me.) Because business gets slow during the summer months, our office takes turns on having half days; half leave at noon on Friday one week and then the others go the next week and we rotate throughout the summer.

This week is my turn to leave. So how am I going to spend my half day? How else?

PARTY!


EDIT: Truthfully, I spent my half day going to a movie. What movie? Kung Fu Panda, of course. Wanna know what I thought about it? Then click [here]. Given my love of animation and kung fu films and how much I hate to see them bastardized (and/or combined), I think you will be pleasantly surprised to hear what I have to say.

Pop Quiz: What is the funniest thing about this video?




A) Him talking about the lightsaber.
B) His nosebleed.
C) His reaction to his mom.
D) The fact that this guy got all of these props (including the outfit), did tons of research and made this video for the sole purpose of trolling for Star Trek fans on message boards and pissing them off by intentionally getting the Enterprise's NCC number wrong.

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And now, because I don't care what fills my ear holes and eye sockets and neither do you, here's two absolutely awful videos from Public Access Hell. Hold on to your ankles because these are going to sting.

Lil' Markie: The Singing Child-Like Pastor

Lil' Markie? Please tell me that name's supposed to be ironic, like short guys named Stretch?
Seriously though, it's a carnival of horrors.
In case you couldn't get all the way through, Lil' Markie is a character/voice that Pastor Mark Fox created to represent a younger version of himself in order to bring out our child-like wonder in God, or some horse shit nonsense like that. Think a religiously slanted version of Bobby from Bobby's World, except instead of Howie Mandell voicing him, it's a fat douchebag in a yellow sweater and stretch pants.
Actually, come to think of it, Life With Louie might be a better example.


Sondra Prill, the Tampa Bay Sensation, sings "Nasty Boys"

I don't know what's funnier, her "singing" ("...thinkin' nasty thoughts! HUNH! HAH!")
or the fact that she got many of the lyrics wrong.
There's several Sondra Prill videos on YouTube, should you feel masochistic enough to look for them. May I suggest her re-envisioning of the Technotronic classic "Pump Up The Jam"? God only knows what got into her head to punish the world by making those videos, but my guess is it was one of the brain leeches from Wrath of Kahn.

Hey, Star Trek reference! I've come full circle! HIGH-FIVE!